how i am happy that i procrastinated (or, how the italian panini shop below me is going crazy right now)

the italy-germany world cup game was the best soccer game i've ever seen.

keep in mind that the list is short, but still, it was great, with italy scoring two goals with three minutes remaining in overtime to win. wow. great stuff, really fantastic stuff.

my favorite part was after the game, when they showed the italian players hugging their wives and girlfriends, and then when they released, you realized that they were actually hugging their teammate. classic.

seriously, stop the ponytails.

and seriously again, they're going crazy right now right below me at caffe i don't remember the name. horns are being honked. meatballs are being eaten. people are cheering italia! italia! italia! the way things are going here, you figure they're gonna set up another corrupt government. it's been a year. it's about time.

(and before anyone complains, i'm sicilian).

how i am the second best tornello

only tornello nurseries comes up above my name when you google "tornello". and that's just because they're "america's largest wholesale bamboo nursery".

eat some of that, namesakes.

how i have a new word (i guess)

this was posted on the sign in front of the first unitarian universalist church on franklin and geary:

seminar: july 2. 11am.
"in our refulgent summer".

refulgent.

i have no idea what it means either.

i have a good idea what it feels like it means. don't you?

eventually, i went home and looked up the actual definition.

and yeah, i'm just as surprised as you are.

what an odd word for a church bulletin.

how to pimp out my homies

two shows, two great people, two different coasts:

my friend mandy will be performing at the laugh lounge in soho on saturday, august 12 at 7pm. so, if you happen to be in new york and want to see a funny comedienne and one of the finest people around, check her out.

she didn't give me any more info than that. but when i get more, the more i'll post.

and my friend heather will be performing again with "the heather gold show" at the jcc on friday, july 21 at 8pm.

the theme is being self-made. how do you move from wanting something to make it happen? how do you stretch your comfort zone in any area of your life?

her guests are:

one of time magazine’s 100 most influential people, caterina fake (the co-founder of flickr); comedian w. kamau bell (comedy central, dave chappelle opener); and psychologist dr. lillian rubin.

also, heather hired a young upstart director to put it all together and film the whole thing.

let's hope he doesn't screw it all up.

please don't let me screw it up.

how coco crisp can kiss gary matthews' superhuman ass

i thought coco's catch was unreal.

check this one out, by texas centerfielder gary matthews.

superhuman.

honestly superhuman.

how this is the most disturbing local commercial ever

first off, wait for this spot to load and watch it.

it takes a while to load because you're also waiting for the lawsuit.

there's no way that gmc would allow a mulleted lunatic with a cocked shotgun to say "gmc. we are professional grade" on something that airs. i'm sure they have no idea that's been made or is being seen by their customer base - or, worse yet, prospective customer base. that's fantastic on so many levels. i love subversive stuff like that, even when it borders on the criminal.

second, he's threatening to blow away his competition. while holding a shotgun. that he cocks. and he lets everyone in the bay area know about his intentions.

third, you would think someone with a gun would have two hotter models by his side.

fourth, 1-800-not-so-fresh-start? nice zinger. chuckles all around.

fifth, he COCKS A SHOTGUN in a commercial!

awesome awesomeness.

how it all made sense after the fact

while at my friends' going away party in a dive bar in potrero hill, i went to the bathroom and found this sign taped above the toilet.



what an odd sign, huh? what guy would flush a tampon down the toilet? i mean, i know i live in san francisco, and we have more than our fair share of trannies, but c'mon, tampons? that wouldn't matter. if it did, it would be a medical miracle.

this sign is talking to the wrong audience.

when i left, and saw my friends laughing at me, i realized that the sign wasn't in the wrong place.

idiot.

how goodbyes could also mean hello

and i'm not talking about aloha or ciao.

i went to my friends sue and dylan's goodbye party as they're moving to portland. dylan runs badman records, and he promised that one of his artists would play at his shinding in this little dive bar in potrero hill. (and no, it wasn't his biggest find - my morning jacket. they're too busy opening for pearl jam).

anyways, although i went there just to wish them good luck in one of my favorite cities, i became privy to a live performance by mark mallman, who is 1/3 ben folds, 1/3 the darkness and 1/3 marc bolan, which adds up to 100% fantastic.

if you ever get a chance to see him perform live (and he mostly plays in the midwest), then do so. you don't need to know his songs to follow along. he's more comedy than anything else. i mean, he's talented and a good singer and piano player, but he played the hell out of his set - jumping around, cracking jokes, talking to the crowd, gyrating. good stuff, really good stuff.

znyways, i just ordered his cd.

so from a goodbye comes a hello.

funny how things work out like that.

how there's no hope for this country

this is an actual quote from paris hilton, who is currently admired by today's youth (from thesuperficial.com):

"I bought, like, a monkey, a tiger and some ferrets. I tried to bring them on a commercial flight and they wouldn't let me fly with all the animals. They said it wasn't a travelling circus. So I had to drive all the way home from Vegas in the limo with all these animals, there was like six. It was a lot."

i fear for the future.

how i've just been offered a lucrative part-time position overseas

these people just don't let up.

from the deepest recesses of my junk mail folder:

We are pleased to inform that there are vacancies for the position of offshore payment and receiving agent, first and foremost let me start by introducing our company to you. We own a company in the United Kingdom, we are into importation and exportation of Textile Materials to other companies especially in a few parts of Asia, Europe, and North America.

We are therefore pleased to inform you that vacancies exist in our foreign department as offshore representatives, and we will be very glad if you accept to be appointed as our representative in your country and earn 10% of every payment received by you on behalf of our company. We normally encounter problems when been paid, because it takes a while for American cheques to clear here in the United Kingdom.

Presently, we are been owed lots of money and some of the company's in question has agreed to begin installmental payment, if you are willing to assist, you will receive 10% of the total sum you collect on behalf of my company.All you have to do is to send the information below to:garrysmith_112@yahoo.com

my reputation as a worldly man of payment and receiving solutions has obviously preceded me.

i might be able to parlay this into a full-time gig as a drug mule.

how the almighty can write up a storm

there's a great editorial this week written by jesus christ in "the onion" that's absolutely worth reading.

i especially like how he capitalizes Himself.

how you don't have to be a baseball fan

to be amazed by this superhuman catch by red sox centerfielder coco crisp against my beloved mets.

and who said baseball players aren't athletic?

how this public service announcement needs its own public service announcement

just saw a "the more you know" public service announcement from nbc that makes no sense.

some dude from "lost" says: "surfing the net is just like riding a wave in open water. you gotta look out for sharks. be careful out there".

and then we hear a woman VO that says, "brought to you by sleep train mattress centers."

okay, what?

why is a mattress store so concerned with online pedophiles? or identity theft? or computer viruses?

and second - can you be more cryptic with your advice? what are you alluding to, nbc? who are you concerned for? or are you really concerned about our welfare? maybe what they're saying is "watch out! make sure when you surf the net that you don't watch pirated clips from our shows on outlaw websites like youtube. only watch it on tv or our website, http://www.nbc.com. that's nbc.com."

i'm dumbfounded. i don't know what to think and now i fear that the shark's gonna get me.

how i usually keep a modicum of decorum

but there's something really funny about watching a nascar driver doing a stage dive and seeing him fall flat on his face.

in case you're wondering, it's the second dive that does it.

and for everyone who's been complaining that i've been blogging too much about sports, well, you're right. i have. and i'll keep it to a minimum.

but this isn't as much about sports as it is about gravity.

and, as newton found out under the apple tree, gravity is funny.

how james dolan is still an idiot

so the head of the knicks, james dolan, makes a public statement that isiah thomas has one year to right the ship or he's gone.

ugh.

okay, i get that he's finally waking up to the fact that isiah is the worst man for the job. thank the lord on that. he's only three years too late. there's no argument there.

but by giving isiah an ultimatum, he's forcing his hand, which is to:

1. trade away all young assets for debilitating contracts in an effort to win now.
2. force more pieces that don't fit to play together.
3. take chances on players that you normally wouldn't.

yep. expect channing frye and david lee, two young, useful and cheap pieces to the puzzle, as good as gone. expect kenyon martin and his balky knee in. expect steve francis and stephon marbury to chuck up shots at a vomitous rate. expect desperate trades. expect our draft picks kaput.

expect the future - and the hopes of a forgiving salary cap, the only way to win a championship - gone because of a stupid ultimatum and a desperate grasp for the 8th seed in the eastern conference playoffs.

hey, who among us wouldn't react that way to keep a job they love?

so, in a vain grab at making the 2006-2007 somewhat useful, james dolan, our fearless leader, is getting the soil ready for digging a bigger grave.

again, idiot.

how there's comedy in reality

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. (AP) - Rush Limbaugh was detained for more than three hours Monday at Palm Beach International Airport after authorities said they found a bottle of Viagra in his possession without a prescription.

thanks, god.

how they've never been seen together in public

in case you're wondering, that's boy george on the left, and on the right, darth vader unmasked from "return of the jedi".

yeah. eerie.

how chinatown never disappoints

you know how you see a dj in the club, and he's got one of his headphones pressed in his ear to get the next song queued up, and he's kinda mouthing the beat to himself as he's doing this.

okay, get that image in your head. got it? good.

now today, while walking in chinatown, this is what i saw.

replace the dj with a rather odd older man, probably still living with his mother, with five long hairs emanating from his lucky mole.

replace the headphone pressed to his ear with a hot cup of coffee.

and replace the mouthing of a beat with a hummed rendition of "when the saints go marching in".

yep. there you have it. that's what i saw.

forget it, steve. it's chinatown.

how i was a gentleman in the early morning

as usual, i woke up, got dressed, brushed my teeth, picked up my pre-packed bags and ran for the 7:10am bus that takes me to the gym. since i'm getting off in a couple of stops, i usually sit in the front - and there was an empty seat waiting for me. my ass took it, and i plunked my laptop back and gym backpack on the floor, pressed against my seat. i am courteous like that.

a very large russian woman sat across from me. she was fanning herself like a geisha, and she had one of those small wheeling carts that old people use to carry their stuff.

she looks at me and says in harsh tones, "you must pick your bags up. there is no space."

"excuse me? sorry, didn't catch that."

"there is no space for walk. you must pick your bags up."

there was plenty of space for walk. "i'll be off in five stops. it's fine."

"no, it is not".

calmly. "ma'am, there's plenty of space."

"you must pick up your purse and put it in the seat next to you."

okay.

first off, i do not have a purse.

second, calm down, lady, it's 7:10 in the morning.

thirdly, she's got a shopping cart blocking most of the walkway. if she's so concerned about internal bus traffic moderation, why couldn't she pick it up and put it in the seat next to her?

fourthly, again, i do not have a purse.

so what did i say? nothing. that's right. i let it slide. yep. i said nothing. i did nothing.

at that moment, another man asked the bus driver, "sir, do you have a stop for locust?"

"no, there's a stop at maple and spruce. locust is in the middle."

"which one do you recommend?"

"doesn't matter."

the man sits down. and, at each stop, he asks, "is it this one?"

"no. i'll let you know."

again, he sits. and at the next stop.

"is it this one?'

"sir, i'll let you know."

so i've got the fanning russian woman across from me, and the naive and paranoid bus rookie to my right. finally, they get to maple, and the man gets off, walks down the steps and stops, gets back on and stops again. and now the russian woman who just gave me a dirty look is trying to get off - two stops before mine, might i add, so much ado about nothing - and she's barking "i need to get off. you must let me go" and she's right about that, which sucks, so finally the man lets her off and then he debates whether he should get off at this stop and walk a block, or get off at the next stop and walk a block.

finally, he decides to get off. or, rather, the bus driver shuts the door on him.

this is why i take the bus in the morning.

i could never make this shit up.

how radiohead just threw down the gauntlet

there's a great article about radiohead in this week's new yorker. it said that they are basically an instrumental band, with their strongest instrument simply a voice.

well, their show last night was one of the best shows i've ever seen. and yeah, there's just something hypnotic about thom yorke's voice live. it echoes. it penetratres. it pierces. it's dreamlike in quality, and with the incoming fog from the city into berkeley, well, yeah, it was a nice place to be.

and the lighting and stage presence by the rest of the band just completely grips you. if you haven't seen them live, stop depriving yourself. i heard they were great. now i know.

here's the greek theater, by the way:


and here's radiohead playing live (seriously, that's them):


raconteurs, pearl jam and chili peppers - you're on notice. the stakes have been raised this summer.

how i love classic espn

i worked my ass off today, so i've earned a night of doing nothing.

and doing nothing tonight means watching a repeat of the 1981 NBA draft on espn classic - complete with poor lighting, bad graphics, crappy music over terrible highlights and commentators louie carnesecca and jim korvallis sitting way too close to each other. uncomfortably close. louie's wearing a face that says that there's a hand on his leg, and it doesn't belong to him.

the only things missing are david stern's mid-1980s mustache and craig sager wearing a neon orange suit.

oh. i caught on at the end. carnesecca just said that franklin edwards of cleveland state (future career stats: 36 total starts, 6.1 points per game) is in the class of tiny archibald.

yes, tiny archibald!

no "upsides". nobody is "long". but the players do have "big bodies". how times have changed.

okay, now i'm about to watch the 1982 draft.

and we're off. they just started off with a tron-like montage featuring seventeen different sports, one of them was basketball. and then, in crappy futura font, they typed in "1982 nba draft", just shoehorned in there. good job, USA network. way to make the nba feel special.

this season has louie returning for another uncomfortable go-around, and this time he's sharing his space with al albert. i guess louie called some people and had jim korvallis offed.

their levels are all off. the crappy musak - and it is musak - is waaay too loud, and louie is waaay too low. then again, after his franklin edwards comment, maybe it's for the better.

nba president larry o'brien obviously stopped by the blarney stone before the draft. he's tanked and muttering to himself. god knows what he smelled like at that point.

the lakers just picked james worthy. that worked out well. one of the smoothest players to ever lace up a pair of converses. lakers owner dr. jerry buss is being interviewed while wearing a mustache and members only jacket. is upper lip hair the entry into that club? maybe. maybe.

terry cummings just came to the main stage wearing a polo shirt. 1994 jalen rose just turned in his grave.

which is more shocking: the fact that utah originally drafted dominique wilkens, or louie carnesecca proclaiming that there's tremendous amount of action going around in salt lake city? obviously, 'nique didn't believe louie. i just did some reading up, and he was so upset at playing in that hotbed of action that he forced a trade to atlanta before the season began for john drew, freeman williams and cash. so he pulled an elway right before elway.

first big white guy stiff just drafted - bill garnett, who really looks out of place even at a time where nobody looks like an athlete. career stats: 4 seasons, 5.5 points a game. duh. don't worry, bill. we'll keep your "dungeons and dragons" game warm.

larry o'brien just went to the blarney stone for a quick one and now he's back. he said "lasalle thompson" correctly. impressive.

the knicks are now drafting. who was it in 1982? was it michael ray richardson? bill cartwright? sly williams? was sly a knick originally? ewing was in 1985. it wasn't gerald wilkins, 'cause 'nique just got drafted. bernard king maybe? did he really go sixth in this draft? trent tucker? not sixth. he was a late draft pick, right?

awesome. they just ran a commercial for nba cares about unicef featuring sue bird, lebron james, pau gasol, elton brand and...wait for it, wait for it...yes! dikembe mutombo. brrbrrbrrgrrgrrgrr. mumblebumblestumble. thank you, god.

they're talking about the knicks making a possible trade for truck robinson. wow. i remember that being a huge deal that really wasn't.

here's larry o'brien wearing a party hat. the knicks select...trent tucker. wow. really? i thought he was taken later.

well, that bombed. who else was available? actually, not much. fat lever. ricky pierce. paul pressey. not so bad considering the draft. bad quality for a sixth pick, though. hey, if bad luck was paid back for patrick ewing, i'd take it.

al albert just put his arm on the back of louie's chair. louie's now wearing a "do i have to call someone to handle this guy, too?" face.

okay, now that i've seen who else is in this draft, well, i've had enough.

larry o'brien, i'll meet you at the b-stone.

how to beautify an envelope

this has gotta be the coolest stamp ever - not just for subject, but also for layout, design and color. great job, united states postal service. ben franklin would be proud.

how i was badly mistaken

chewbacca's blog is not the best website around.

this one is.

and it's gonna take the best website ever to knock it off its perch.

how there's so much wrong with this

from the AP newswire:

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Selma Blair has filed for divorce from actor-writer Ahmet Zappa after two years of marriage.

Blair, 34, filed her petition Wednesday in Superior Court. The couple have no children.

Her screen credits include roles in "Cruel Intentions," "Legally Blonde" and "The Sweetest Thing." She stars in the upcoming "Purple Violets," directed by Ed Burns.

Zappa, 32, is the son of the late musician Frank Zappa.

okay, this leads me to many questions:

1. why was this even reported?
2. did it really need four paragraphs?
3. does the phrase "directed by ed burns" really mean anything other than it's probably gonna be quite boring and pretentious, and that he's gonna be starring in it because he's the only one who would hire himself? honestly, the guy's only made one halfway decent film. why not just say "set decoration by mila khalevich"?
4. since when does ed burns not need "writer and director of 'the brothers macmullen'" after his name to give credence to him? how about, "writer and director of 'she's the one'"? or 'sidewalks of new york'?
5. how much longer does ahmet zappa have to live for him to add something to "Zappa, 32, is the son of the late musician Frank Zappa"?
6. why did i read this?

how i wish i wrote this

from thesuperficial.com:

Britney Spears was spotted in New York today with newly dyed black hair. I guess she was sick of all the jokes and felt it was time to change her image. Although somebody should point out people didn't think she was stupid because she was blonde, they thought she was stupid because she was really fucking stupid. You can put a donkey in a lab coat and tape a diploma to its back, but I'm pretty sure at the end of the day it still has no idea how to work a Bunsen burner.

how adam sandler made me laugh

he was on "the daily show" pimping his new movie "click", which is a great idea that is sure to be eroded by the complementary movie cliches that taint summer flicks.

anyways, he was talking about fatherhood, and he said, "you know, before my daughter was born, all i thought about was me. but now that my daughter's in my life, all i think about is the nanny".

funny.

how i'm going to see radiohead tomorrow night at the greek theater in berkeley

there's nothing more to add.

i mean, i'm gonna see one of the greatest bands of our generation live at one of the most gorgeous venues to see anything.

envy me. go ahead.

how victories are wherever you find them

i just picked a long hair out of my right nostril.

it was black and not white.

it's usually white.

again, this one was black.

score.

how this could be the best blog ever

no, i'm not talking about mine.

i'm talking about this.

chewy.

how we should stop pretending

that americans really care about the world cup.

i mean, we want to see them do well, but we don't really care.

this means stop with the cutaways to times square to see the throng of american fans watching the game on the jumbrotron.

and by throng, i mean 15 or 16. and to be honest, they're waiting to cross the street.

enough already.

how it was hard for me to be a knicks fan with isiah thomas as general manager

it's gonna be downright excruciating for me now that larry brown is out and isiah thomas has also taken on the coaching reins.

so we took the one qualified guy in the organization, the genius coach, the championship coach, the guy who had one way of playing ball - the right way - which is also a winning way, the guy who is renown for completely turning around a team in his second season - and fired him after one year.

and we took the one guy who shouldn't be running a thing - who ran the CBA into the ground, who proved himself by crapping up the toronto raptors, who coached the indiana pacers to a couple of underachieving seasons - and gave him full control.

and by doing this, we empower stephon marbury, a guy who's won nothing his entire career and has inspired nothing but contempt from his teammates, to run the show.

great. the grave has been dug deeper.

of course, the guy who hired and fired these guys is the biggest fool of them all. he's the guy who has the loudest voice in the sports bar who doesn't know a damn thing about basketball but he thinks he does. and, since he knows he's loud and everyone has to hear him, he doesn't shut up. and every time he opens his mouth, you realize he's just an ignorant blowhard and he just makes a bigger ass of himself. but in this case, he's the owner, he's the guy we can't fire.

i hope these guys make a dent, because i'm at the end of my rope.

step in, david stern. step in. the city of new york needs your intervention.

how you should never doubt richard dean anderson

here's a list of problems solved by macguyver. (thanks, tony)

if only i could solve my own problems using a rocket-propelled flare out of bamboo, fertilizer, matches, a strip of cloth, a small tin can, a thin metal rod, a funnel, and a wooden spoon.

how if duane allman knew about this idiot, he would have changed the lyrics to this

I woke up this morning, I had them Statesboro blues,
I woke up this morning, had them Statesboro blues.
Well, I looked over in the corner,
and grandpa seemed to have them too.

Well, my momma died and left me,
my poppa died and left me,
I ain't good looking baby,
want someone sweet and kind.

I'm goin to the country, baby do you wanna go?
I got the bartender's checkbook.
I'm a-gonna forge us some free beer
until he catches me.

how i've noticed things while working in chinatown

and here's a list of them:

1. seriously, enough with the retro 80s vans slip-on shoes. enough. i would wear them at 80s parties because i was making fun of the 80s. they were ironic because, at one point, we thought they looked good, and then time proved those tastes wrong. but now, they look good? c'mon. they don't. you're just wearing them because they're in. stop it.

2. i might get ripped a new one for this, but i'll say it: if you're walking on a tight sidewalk in a tourist part of the city, and you're among a group of people who are abnormally overweight and it causes you to walk at an abnormally slow pace, please, for the love of god, keep in a single file. there are people behind you that want to get by. i know it sounds mean, but if i were seven feet tall, i would be so aware of my size that i would sit in the back of a movie theater. single file. that's all i ask.

3. under "occupation" in their tax forms, do vendors in chinatown put "trinket salesman"?

4. if there is no chinese word for "schedule", then why are elderly chinese women always in a rush? and why do they have to take out my knees to get to where they're going?

5. no city is as glorious as san francisco when the temperature is in the 70s.

that's all i got. it's all off my chest.

i feel emancipated.

how i'm waking up a half hour early tomorrow

and i'm gonna put my glasses on, trudge to the living room, maybe stretch my arms and legs out, turn on the telly, flick through the channels and then watch the united states play ghana in the world cup.

maybe have a beer or two.

yep. i'm talking 6:30 in the morning. before work.

just how our forefathers intended it to be.

U-S-A!

U-S-A!

how it's a bad day for good vibes

well, the bad guys won the nba championship.

in the fourth quarter, they had a pretaped interview with shaquille o'neal, and he said that he wanted to get a ring for coach riley, alonzo mourning, gary payton and dwyane wade.

now, for all intents and purposes, shaq comes across as a good guy. and it's cool he got his title before kobe did.

but pat riley, however, is the king of bad vibes. from the way he ditched the knicks (yeah, i'm still bitter) to the way he dumped stan van gundy this year, well, he reeks of it.

then he mentioned alonzo mourning, who signed a huge contract with the nets, then unfortunately contracted kidney disease, then watched as the nets still paid him and supported him through therapy, then demanded a trade the moment he was able to come back, and then refused to report to toronto when he was. yeah, no good vibes there.

and then there's gary payton, who achieved the virtually impossible task of being the least likeable nba superstar ever, someone who pouts at any available moment, someone who complained to the ref DURING GAME SIX and had a pass from his teammate bounce off his back. yeah, no good vibes there.

dwyane wade? he deserves everything good. what a ballplayer.

but riles, zo and payton?

your 2005-2006 nba champion, the miami heat. satan's wet dream.

how to try to spend father's day while being 3000 miles away

obviously, i couldn't make it home to spend time with my father during his day. but here's a story about how i did spend it, and it's all relevant.

after i purchased my fourth couch (and hopefully my last), i walked over to borders bookstore and bought "from the streets to the ring: a son's struggle to become a man" by teddy atlas. in short, atlas is a boxing trainer who is known for training mike tyson as a teenager and michael moorer when he became heavyweight champion. he is best known for giving these insanely inspirational speeches between rounds to the mercurial moorer that have become boxing lore. he's now a commentator for "thursday night fights" on espn.

he's also a staten islander, and the son of a locally famous doctor, who in his case, was known for his generosity and philanthropy.

a quick aside: about ten years ago, my dad and i were in schaffer's bar in staten island when atlas came in for a beer. we're both big fight fans, and we were kinda star-struck when he walked in. my dad urged me to go shake his hand, and i did. my hand hurt from the moorer championship ring he had on his finger. but that's besides the point.

anyways, i just read the whole book, from page 1 to 273, in about five hours. it's a great book, centering not only on his career, but on all the small pieces of advice he learned from his dad, who was never around much due to his work. he became a wayward son, and his father never realized it because he just wasn't around that much. but he was learning these lessons, and how he really didn't realize what he was learning until he had to apply it. his father was a great man that he learned from. he just wasn't much of a dad.

but my dad has always been a great dad who always found time for me, and to this day, i'm still applying everything i learned from him. he attended all my games. we always ate dinner together. he made sure i became the man i am today, which is about half the man my dad is.

i guess what i'm saying is that i've never trained a heavyweight champion, i don't have a gig as an espn commentator, i don't have strange people walking up to me shaking my hand in a bar, but i'm about as lucky as anyone can be.

thanks, dad.

how one thing is perfectly clear from watching just one game of the nba finals

dirk nowitski < dwayne wade.

in fact, i'll take it one deeper:

the world < dwyane wade.

and it's not even close.

how hockey could still be the coolest sport on earth

just watched the opening of game six of the stanley cup playoffs in edmonton.

they had an opera singer come out to sing the american and canadian national anthems. he's the same guy who's sung most of the year at oiler games.

anyways, he begins to sing the american national anthem, and the whole crowd - the whole canadian crowd - sings along, drowning him out. it's not even their anthem, and they were as vociferous as any american crowd.

then he began to sing the canadian national anthem (which is, for my money, the most gorgeous of all national anthems). and he sings about three or four lines, and then, he stops - and the crowd takes over and finishes.

c'mon, hockey. you've got the goods. you're gonna have to meet way more than halfway, but i'm pulling for you to come back to us.

how the world cup needs to be put into perspective

funny, as i was typing the title, the commentator just said "put into perspective".

anyways, i'm watching ghana take on the czech republic. ghana scored early. it's now the 24th minute, and the commentators are wondering if the czechs can "come back". you see, this is what i don't get about soccer - the overdramatizations. they're down by a goal. a goal is what you aim to do. if they do it once, they tie. i could see if they were down two. but they're down one, and anything can happen. stop with the "comeback".

someone just tripped and is carrying around like they were shot. that's the other overdramatic thing that bugs me: players acting like little girls after they're fouled. it's like i'm watching a field full of vlade divacs playing soccer.

which gets me thinking.

you know, after the US got blown out, everybody was mocking our soccer program nonstop. how could we lose to the czechs? we'll never be a worldwide power. how can a country this large play this small?

but what everyone doesn't realize - and again, the overdramatization - is that our top athletes are not playing soccer. i'm not saying they're not athletic or debating what type of sport is the most athletic. i'm just saying that our top athletes are not playing soccer. but, in other countries, they are.

but what if we did?

here's just one man's US soccer team, if our country's best athletes were in the program:

GOALIE - lebron james
DEFENDER - terrell owens
DEFENDER - kevin garnett
DEFENDER - ladanian tomlinson
MIDFIELDER - derek jeter
MIDFIELDER - lance armstrong
MIDFIELDER - dwyane wade
MIDFIELDER - oscar de la hoya
STRIKER - allen iverson
STRIKER - floyd mayweather, jr.
STRIKER - reggie bush

yeah, i'd think this team would dominate.

how macy's and others can kiss my big fat white ass

let's recap the last 48 hours of my life:

1. strange pain on my quad above my right knee caused by who knows what.
2. two months of work crapped up by my client.
3. five weeks of work ruined by a bad brief.
4. all my possessions at work - notebooks, art books, creative briefs - mysteriously moved or thrown away. has yet to be found. probably will not.

and, last but definitely not least...

5. for the second time in ten weeks, macy's fails to deliver a couch i ordered. last time, it arrived with a shattered leg. this time, i get a call that it's "missing a leg" and "has a cracked frame". ladies and gentlemen, i give you macy's department store, a company that sells stuff it cannot deliver.

like i said before, ladies and gentlemen, macy's can kiss my big fat white ass.

i type this post, by the way, from an inflatable bed that i've bent in half to act like my temporary couch. it's rather comfortable, actually. too bad i am not in college.

did i mention that my cabdriver almost got into a fistfight with a man that he almost cut off? did i mention that?

and did i mention that none of the items i have listed are my fault?

there's no way to miss the point of all this. i am painting on progress.

stay far away from me.

how dogs beat cats

unlike a cat, a dog will never resemble hitler.

that's why dogs rule.

how we all relected this guy

my friend paal sent me this e-mail. it's worth copying-and-pastying.

The Stupidest Things President George W. Bush Has Ever Said

10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

9) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000

8) "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

7) "You work three jobs? Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb.4, 2005

6) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

5) "There's an old saying in Tennessee I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee that says, fool me once, shame on shame on you. Fool me you can't get fooled again." Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

4) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

3) "They misunderestimated me." Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

2) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

1) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

how this poorly written sign might have just nailed life as we know it

damn you, progress! i glossy on you and your forward thinking! long live the status quo! long live the status quo!

actually, i think that ill-grammared painter might be onto something deep. i mean, it's progress. what is it good for? absolutely nothing. say it again.

or maybe it was a deep philosophical cry-for-help from a man whose life has relegated him to painting a car garage on bush street in san francisco, and he knows that with each brush stroke, he further buries himself under another job that's taking him nowhere, so, in effect, he is painting on the progress of his own life. and this, this three word opus, is how this glossied shakespeare reaches out for someone to save him from the abyss of his destiny.

nah.

how the oldest language on the planet is incomplete

i was walking behind two chinese gentlemen yesterday in chinatown. they were having either a loud intimate conversation or a loud disagreement. it's very difficult to figure out which. anyways, they're talking to each other in chinese, except for one word in english: schedule.

so it's like: djojw fioejnfowd dmeidnewon cndndfc schedule didweifcnw eiwjn dmewdfno schedule njsdnc.

there's no way that there's no chinese word for "schedule".

luckily enough, my cabdriver last night was chinese. so, of course, i asked him. and, after a nice pause, he answered, "no. there is no chinese word for schedule. at least, not quite".

that language is like 4000 years old. i can't believe that culture has gone on that long without schedules.

anyways, when i got out, my cabbie told me i should google "hong kong bus uncle". so i did. and it's fantastic.

which makes me wonder: is there a chinese word for lunatic?

how i ignore these rich, pompous, overrated coinslots until it involves my boys

from nypost.com:

June 14, 2006 -- PARIS Hilton is so upset that Lindsay Lohan has been seeing her ex, Greek playboy Stavros Niarchos, she screamed insults at Lohan at Butter on Monday night. Witnesses report Hilton went up to Lohan and shouted, "I can't believe you and Stavros! You are ridiculous!" After taking more insults and curses, Lohan said, "That's how you say hello? I don't need to respond to you." Lohan promptly left. A rep for Lohan said, "Correct. Paris tried to pick a fight with her and started screaming at her, but Lindsay took the high road." After Lohan left, Hilton did a striptease for N.Y. Knick David Lee, Eli Manning and a bunch of other N.Y. Giants.

score.

how to follow up on the born again

so they actually wrote a full article with photos detailing stephen baldwin's appearance in staten island. and i was there to steal it.

here's the born again baldwin, in all his glory (or at least what passes for glory when your career is now at c-level):



and here's the insides of his born again mobile:



and here you go if you want to read the truly enthralling article about this momentous occasion that will surely be talked about for decades and passed along generations.

how only the brilliant writing on "the daily show"

can put the phrases "virgin wrangler", "cherry orchid's gonna have some bruised fruit" and the best al-zarqawi death video ever into a tight two very funny minutes.

welcome back, samantha bee.

how this might be the funniest movie in the whole u. s. and a.

borat's got a movie coming out, yes? and here's the trailer, yes?

how this has been distributed without my expressed written consent

here's a video of me when i went to surf camp in costa rica a couple of years ago. i was hoping this wouldn't get out. it's embarrassing what happens to me at the end in the whitewater. i clearly misread the ocean floor at that point, and the energy overwhelmed me. i got wet.

again, it's embarrassing. i'm a much better surfer than this.

how it was twelve years ago today

happy anniversary, orenthal james simpson, for the 12th year anniversary of the night you made every jealous and violent ex-husband very proud.

for what it's worth, i remember exactly where i was when i heard the news, when the white bronco chase happened and when the verdict was reached.

i can only wonder where i'll be when he finds the real killers.

how there's big news, and then there's this

from silive.com, the online source for the staten island advance.

Monday, June 12, 2006

11:36 a.m. - Actor Stephen Baldwin will be visiting Staten Island later today to pick up his newly customized car at Wheel Concepts, Midland Beach.

As a born-again Christian, Baldwin is planning to take his new wheels on a nationwide tour to preach about God.

how TO is always old school

in case you can't get enough terrell owens in your life, you can now order his vintage collectible special edition 2004 wall calendar at a discounted rate of $5. and yes, in case you're wondering, there is a photo of a barechested TO standing next to a tiger. act now before supplies run out.

my favorite part of this is at the bottom: "this product was added to our catalog on wednesday, 19 october, 2005."

yes, a full ten months after there was no use for the calendar.

i don't know how or why JR found this and sent this to me, but god bless you, my man. you indeed do god's work.

as always, TO + JR = ha.

how to catch up on netflix this weekend

two reviews from dvds that have been sitting on my table for at least a month:

jarhead
starring jake gyllenhall, peter sarsgaard and jamie foxx
directed by sam mendes
this movie didn't get the highest of reviews when it premiered. maybe that was because so much was expected of mendes but also of editor walter murch and the cast. but i really dug it, i really did. i thought it was a really interesting war story to tell - of going mad by waiting for war, and then not being able to do your job when it begins. gyllenhall was good, but as usual, sarsgaard stole the show, this time in a completely non-creepy way. it's beautifully shot - mendes can sure pick his color pallette and cinematographers - and, well, i never lost interest. i was totally into it from start to finish. isn't that all you can ask from a movie?

a history of violence
starring viggo mortensen and maria bello
directed by davis cronenberg
it's funny how i just wrote that all you can ask from a movie is that you be into it from start to finish. right now, i'm writing this review as the movie plays. it completely lost me in the first twenty minutes by being so slow moving. i paid attention to the major parts, but the storyline was/is just to scarce for me to give a shit. nothing happens at all between the main plot points. of course, it's beautifully shot by cronenberg - i mean, that's why he's chosen to direct it too - and it's a good idea. it just did nothing for me.

how every steak i've ever eaten in my life just got knocked down a notch

so, during last night's monthly "steak night" extravaganza, i just ate the most amazing piece of meat ever.

it's at this place in town called boboquivari's the steak.

a little background: they age their steaks 6-8 weeks before it hits your mouth. that's what peter luger's does, too. and, because of that, it was just, well, juicy, and rich, a little buttery (but natural tasting), and smooth and soft and just...well, i wept internally when i finished my last piece. even the fat was delicious.

it was otherwordly good. in fact, this is what the heavens must taste like.

we debated whether or not to order another steak between the three of us to share.

but we decided to wait another month for it.

my mouth waters.

how i say hooray for soccer

i'm actually looking forward to this year's world cup. i hear it's a big deal overseas.

there's been enough advertising to go around championing it - and i 'm kinda digging most of it and i think it's a good thing we get to know ronaldhino and thierry henry. i am torn, however, with that gatorade ad that plays an instrumental version of "take me out to the ballgame" while showing soccer clips. then again, it pissed me off, and it got my attention, and i think that was the point.

point taken.

speaking of, this is the coolest outdoor ad i've seen in such a long time:



okay, back to the games. i'm actually going to go out of my way to see the american team play in the next couple of weeks. i'll download the games. maybe hit a bar. maybe listen on the radio. whatever's clever, really. it's as much about national pride as it is being a part of a tidal wive. other countries are all about their national team. why can't i?

the difference is that it's not life-and-death out here. it's not like the teams we grew up with. what i'm saying is that, when we lose, i won't cry or stab somebody with a broken bottle. this whole thing almost feels like a hobby, really. but that's okay. it'll be a three-week hobby. and even if we don't make it to the round of 16, well, that's okay too.

that's when i pull for italy.

how let's not get ahead of ourselves

but i like that 21-year-old mets phenom lastings milledge is now in the same class as chuck norris and jack bauer.

from milledgefacts.blogspot.com:

Lastings Milledge Facts:

1. Lastings Milledge isn't a 5 tool player. Lastings Milledge has more than 100 tools, many of which are unknown to most baseball scouts.

2. Lastings Milledge wasn’t slapping fives with fans after his first big league homerun. He was healing lepers and cripples.

3. Keith Hernandez thinks a girl’s place is in the dugout as long as they're on the arm of Lastings Milledge.

4. Lastings Milledge doesn’t hit 8th. Those seven other guys are just warming up the pitcher for the first real at bat of the game.

5. Shea Stadium is no longer known as a pitcher’s park now that Lastings Milledge hits there.

6. Lastings Milledge can fix Victor Zambrano in ten minutes.

7. Lastings Milledge has taught Willie Randolph how to execute a double switch.

8. Johnny Damon wishes he can have Lastings Milledge’s hair.

9. When Steve Trachsel deliberates on the mound, he’s thinking of all the ways Lastings Milledge will help the Mets win.

10. Light has to kick it into high gear just to try and keep up with Lastings Milledge’s bat speed.

11. Lastings Milledge’s three children will be named Turner, Citizen’s Bank and the House That Ruth Built.

12. Lastings Milledge also has an illegitimate child. He was born in 1895 and his name is Babe Ruth.

13. Billy Wagner likes to warm up just to watch Lastings Milledge play right field.

14. Alex Ochoa and Alex Escobar carry pictures of Lastings Milledge in their wallet to remind them of the players they should have become.

15. Confucius quotes Lastings Milledge.

how the best pick-up line ever is going international

from deadspin.com, in honor of the world cup:

• English: You’re with me, leather.
• Dutch: U bent met me, Leer.
• French: Vous etes avec moi, cuir.
• German: Sie sind mit mir, Leder.
• Italian: Siete con me, cuoio.
• Portuguese: Voce e com mim, couro.
• Spanish: Usted esta con mi, cuero.
• Pig Latin: You’reay ithway emay, Eatherlay.
• Swedish Chef: Yuoo’re-a veet me-a, Leezeer. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp!

how a german will hold the gold

in every other part of the world, people would assume that this post is about the world cup.

but i'm talking about dirk nowitski.

i'm picking the mavs to beat the heat for the nba championship in what has been a fantastic nba playoff season - and i'm someone who generally loathes the nba style of play.

let me break it down.

the heat have two big stars - shaq and dwyane wade. and they're both playing fantastic ball right now. just fantastic.

the mavs have big dirk, who has been superhuman. but what they have and the heat don't are defensive options.

the mavs are the deepest team in the nba. and they actually match up very well against the heat's stars. dwyane wade will be covered by adrian griffin, marquise daniels and josh howard. i'm not saying they're gonna stop him; nobody can. but avery johnson is smart enough to keep a fresh body on wade at all times. he'll be playing 1-on-3.

and shaq's gonna have to contend with erick dampier and desagana diop. not that those two players can even be mentioned in the same sentence as him, but they each offer the same thing: size and fouls. dampier and diop are big boys. and shaq's a horrible foul shooter. they'll make him work for it. that's all you can ask.

and, at some points but not for long, the mavs will go small. and shaq's gonna have to guard dirk. and that will be the biggest mismatch of them all.

and that's my point. who's gonna guard dirk? posey and walker are too small. haslem's too slow. mourning and shaq will be embarrassingly exploited.

not that the mavs have answers to shaq and wade, but they've got options.

the heat have none of that for dirk.

and, at this point of the game, it's all about matchups.

advantage: mavs in six.

POINT OF DISCLOSURE: the writer would like to point out that his feelings of contempt for pat riley had in no way tainted his preview and prediction for this series. although he still firmly believes that pat riley is indeed a scumbag.

how all crazy people have a new measuring stick to aim for

here's a video of the craziest person on the planet. i know that's a large claim to make. i know there's a lot of firm competition out there for that title. but i firmly believe this statement, and this is coming from someone who relies completely on public transportation.

once again: this moron is far and away the biggest lunatic on the planet.

for the record, i'm not referring to either hannity or colmes.

somewhere in heaven, jesus is wearing fake glasses and a mustache and claiming ignorance on this matter.

IMMEDIATE UPDATE: perennial craziest person contender ann coulter has responded to the abdication of her crown with this coldhearted attack on the widows of 9/11. we hear you loud and clear, ann coulter. you one crazy bitch.

i can't wait to see how tom cruise reacts.

how if you happen to be in either los angeles, houston, miami, atlanta or atlantic city

you might want to drop on by and say "happy 45th birthday" to noted international sprinter/long jumper/first pitch thrower/music video star carl lewis. the celebration lasts for sixteen days over five different states. and the less you wear, the more. it says so in the invitation.

you know, i just watched his video for "break it up" again, and i feel like i just had the best 45th birthday gift ever, and i still have 13 more birthdays to get there. thanks, carl!

cue the bubbles.

how to bring you a blast from the past

ladies and gentlemen, the one and only afro ninja.

stay down, stay down, stay down, don't try to get up.

how the obvious still isn't obvious to everyone

i'm britney spears.

i have gajillions of dollars.

i meet a wigger with no talent and a sketchy background. he leaves his pregnant wife for me.

i marry him.

we begin a beautiful life together. i get comfortable enough that i begin to "let myself go" because this one is the one and we share more than physical attraction. eventually i get pregnant with his child. he's very good at doing that.

when my baby pops out, he begins to fade away. he spends more time with his friends. he spends all the money i made in my career. in fact, he refuses to have a career, not counting the time when he records a crappy rap album. i barely see him and, when i do, we fight in public.

things aren't going so well.

so i do what most self-respecting woman from my upbringing would do to save a relationship: get pregnant again.

but i don't think this is working either. we can't stand each other.

so now i'm forced to use my secret weapon. yep, that's right: i'm gonna wear curlers in my hair and look as sloppy as humanly possible.

if this don't work, i'll be forced to go to my extra secret weapon plan. and, to get it done just right, i happen to know the perfect tattoo artist.

how it's all about tony

everyone i've talked to has been ripping the season finale of "the sopranos".

and, i gotta tell you, for a season finale, i don't necessarily disagree. i could have done without the scene in the hospital with tony and phil leotardo. it sapped the tension away for the next six months.

but, after thinking about it, i really liked the episode, especially the ending, as what it was concepted to be - as a series finale.

we're at the sopranos house for christmas. attending are his turkeynecked nephew christapha, who sleeping with the woman tony wants. his feckless son AJ is there with his puerto rican/dominican/catholic older girlfriend and her son. meadow, his level-headed daughter, seemingly escaped to california, he has the spector of new york killing someone close to him hanging over his head.

and yet, AJ's girlfriend tells carmela, "you have a lovely house, mrs. soprano".

and when you think about it, that's exactly what the show is about: keeping up appearances. tony goes to therapy because his life is out-of-control and he's questioning everything, but as a boss, he can't show it. he needs his exterior to portray one thing although the insides are all over the place.

simply, his house is a mess, but he has to make it appear like it's in order.

which makes that last line so right for a series finale.

but for a season finale? could've been better.

how you're with me, blog

it's hard for me to put into words how psyched i am that this line got its own wikipedia page. it's my favorite line ever, and i use it each day in many different forms.

congrats to everybody.

how to turn around a pathetic franchise

the awful kansas city royals, tired of being the laughingstock of professional sports, fired their embattled GM in lieu of rising star GM drayton moore.

but they didn't stop there. they also hired hitting guru/videotape instructor/drill sergeant tom emanski, creator of the popular "teaching the mechanics of..." baseball video series.

the hiring was endorsed by fred mcgriff.

maybe, if they play baseball "the emanski way", they can one day be back-to-back-to-back AAU national champions.

okay, those last two jokes are really funny if you've seen those commercials.

how to scam a scammer

my buddy tony sent me this e-mail chain from craigslist about nigerian scammers. it's long but fantastic. read below:



DEAR SIR,

MY NAME IS MR ADAKU OGEIBRI, THE FIRST SON OF LATE MR NDIBEYA

OGEIBRI,AFORMER DIRECTOR OF ADMINISTRATION AND FINANCE IN THE ALADJA STEEL ROLLING MILL IN EFURUN NEAR WARRI, DELTA STATE OF NIGERIA WHO DIED IN AN EAS BAC11 PLANE CRASH ON MAY, 4TH 2005.I HAVE JUST RECENTLY BEEN INFORMED BY MY LATE FATHER'S BANKING OFFICER THAT THE OLD MAN OPERATED A SECRET ACCOUNT WITH THE BANK INTO WHICH A TOTAL SUM OF SEVEN MILLION EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS (US$7,800,000) WAS TRANSFERED AND CREDITED IN HIS FAVOUR. I HAVE NOW BEEN ADVICED BY THE BANKING OFFICER TO SEEK IN CONFIDENCE A FOREIGN ACCOUNT INTO WHICH THIS FUND COULD BE TRANSFERED FOR SAFE KEEPING TO AVOID A LEAK FROM THE HIS FORMER EMPLOYERS.

IT HAS BEEN RESOLVED THAT 25% WILL BE YOUR SHARE FOR NOMINATING AN ACCOUNT FOR THIS PURPOSE AND ANY OTHER ASSISTANCE YOU GIVE IN THAT REGARD, 5% HAS BEEN SLATED FOR REIMBURSEMENT OF ALL LOCAL AND INTERNATIONL EXPENSES WHICH MAY BE INCURED IN THE TRANSFER PROCESS, AND 5% HAS BEEN CONCEDED TO THE LOCAL BANKING OFFICER HERE ASSISTING AND FACILITATING THE TRANSFER. FINALLY 65% WILL COME TO MYSELF AND FAMILY AND A GOOD PART OF THIS SHALL BE DIRECTED TOWARDS EXECUTING HIS WILL, WHICH IS TO BUY SHARES AND STOCK IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES AND TO SECURE HIS CHILDREN'S FUTURE. TO FACILITATE THE CONCLUSION OF THIS TRANSACTION, IF ACCEPTED, DO SEND TO ME PROMPTLY BY E-MAILLING THE FOLLOWING:

1.NAME AND ADDRESS OF YOUR BANK. 2. TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS THROUGH WHICH YOU WILL BE CONTACTED PROMPTLY BY ME FOR THE COMPLETION OF THIS TRANSACTION.

PLEASE PROMISE ME YOU WILL ASSIST ME, AND REMEMBER TO KEEP THIS TRANSACTION VERY CONFIDENTIAL,NOTE THERE IS NO RISK INVOLVED.

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEAR FROM YOU.

THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS.

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

---

Dear Sir,

I don’t know who this other person you were writing to is , but, my name is Bo Duke. I operate a moonshine business with my brother, Luke. You might say that we are in the “distribution” business. I am interested in your proposal. I know a little about steel – as I have that album “british steel” by Judas Priest. Please tell me more.

Cincrely,

Bo Duke
Hazzard County, USA

---

DEAR BO

MANY THANKS TO RETUNING MY E.MAIL SO QUICKLY. AS TIME IS OF URGENT MATTER – I MUST IMMEDIATELY RECEIVE YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER TELEPHONE NUMER OF YOUR HOME. AS IHAV MENTION BEFORE OGEIBRI,AFORMER DIRECTOR OF ADMINISTRATION AND FINANCE IN THE ALADJA STEEL ROLLING MILL IN EFURUN NEAR WARRI, DELTA STATE OF NIGERIA DIED RECENTLY AND IT IS ONLY THROUGH OUTSIDE HELP THAT WE WILL BE ABLE TO TRANFER THE FUNDS. FOR YOUR HELP MY COMPANY IS READY TO PART WITH 25% OF THE MONEY FOR YOUR HELP.

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

---

Dear Aduku,

Your proposal sounds pretty interesting. I want to help out. I have talked it over with Uncle Jesse and Luke and they think it is a very sound idea. Americans generally pride themselves on being knowledgeable about the outside world – but I have never heard of Nigeria. Is that in South America or something? Let me know. Also do they drive cars in South America? I have a really fucking badass car – it is called the general lee, you know after the civil war general – we fought for YOUR INDEPENDENCE. The doors don’t work that well, so I am going to use the money that you will be giving me to fix the doors. I am enclosing a picture of me and Luke – I am the pretty one.

Gotta go – Dale Earnhardt is on!

---

DEAREST BO

Thank you for being so honest and open in your e.mail. I have seen your picture and you like a man of great honest. I pledge to you my loyalty. Finally, my good friend, I will like you to honest, sincere and confidential until the funds is transferred through the bank to your own bank. Please send your home phone number, and bank account number.

You can call me on my direct number:234-8023536230 anytime of the day for further discussion. I await your response.

Yours Faithfully,

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

---

Dear Aduku,

I am sorry that it took so long to get back to you. Africa! Well – Ill be damned. I guess I should say “G’Day Mate – Throw another shrimp on the Barbie!”

Anyways, I have spend the last few days in Jail. It seems that Damn Boss Hog had Sheriff Roscoe and Cletus (with his hound dog Clyde) put a tail on me and Luke. We lost them for a while when we took that jump, but they caught us.

Daisy, my cousin, had to bail us out by doing some “favors” for the local law enforcement or should I say TO the local law enforcement. She is getting to be quite the young looker these days – I have attached a picture of her – She says that she always wanted to go to Africa because they have great skiing.

You know I don’t know why that damn Boss Hog is always busting our balls, but, we are just the good ol' boys, Never meanin' no harm, Beats all you've ever saw, been in trouble with the law since the day they was born. Makin' their way, The only way they know how,That's just a little bit more than the law will allow.

Anyways – I fixed up the General lee with more “turbo power” – NOS. They were having a run on it at the Wal-Mart. Do they have Wal Marts in Africa?

PS are you Jewish?

Your brotha from anotha motha,

Bo Duke

---

Dearest BO,

I am very sorry to hear about your boss and the recnt Jail. I hope that you are ok and that your family is ok since you have been in the Jail. Ther is not Wal Mart in Nigeria. Your Cousin is a beautiful young lady. I am not Jewish, I am tsetse. It is very important that you send $4000. I will give you the bank name when you are ready. Please call me on my direct number:234-8023536230. I will like to discuss this matter in confidence with you. There are many peoples who are trying to get this money so we must move quickly.

Yours faithfully,

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

---

Dear ADUKU,

You read the bible? Well there's this passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17.

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

I been sayin' that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never gave much thought what it meant. I just thought it was some cold-blooded shit to say to a motherfucker before I popped a cap in his ass.

I saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice. See now I'm thinkin', maybe it means you're the evil man. And I'm the righteous man. And Mr. 9 Milimeter here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness.

Or it could mean you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. Now I'd like that. But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd.

I think that I need to inform my lawyers about this. They work for Rollins, Imus, MacMahon, Johnson, Ortiz and Baker (collectively known as R.I.M.J.O.B)about my transactions.

PS I think I am starting to develop feelings for Daisy Duke…is that wrong?

I Love you,

Bo Duke

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Dear BO,

I read the bible but am very confused by this last email. I don’t know what you mean. Please call me I need to talk to you immediately and do not involve RIMJOB. It is important we keep this a secret. You can calls me anytime my direct number:234-8023536230. Also send the $4000 directly to Western Union office in Lagos Nigeria. Much time has passed and the account will closing soon, my friend.

Yours Faithfully,

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

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Dear Aduku,

Or if that is your “REAL NAME” I think that this is a scam. Uncle Jesse says that he has never heard of “Lagos, Nigeria” I would appreciate it if you used your real name and real countries not “Nigeria”. I think that you are full of shit. Also, I think that you guys “made up” Koala bears – those things aren’t “really bears”. I liked INXS, though.

Gotta go – Daisy is wearing those damn shorts again and I have a woody!

PS in my spare time, I like to build Lego models of Star Wars Episode IV - I have attached a picture of Han Solo and Greedo in the Bar on Tatooine - right before Han wastes Greedo. Is this weird?

YEEEEEHAAAAAAAW!

XOXO
Bo Duke

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Dearest BO,

Your must belive me. This is not a scam, my dearest friend. I too love you, we must take this oportuniy when the iron is hot. Nigeria is a country in Africa and I assure you it is a real country – I have a master degree in finance from the univsreity of Lagos.

Please sent the money to Lagos Nigeria in the western Union office to my name and I will take care of things from here. I am a completey trustful person of good faith and read the bible everyday. You must believe me, my brother.

I Love you too.

Yours Faithfully,

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI, M.S.

---

Dear Aduku,

I just got some really bad news. They are replacing me and luke with some fuckers named Coy and Vance. Can you believe that shit? I don’t know what I am gonna do. I think that Hardees is hiring, though – so there is that option. Someday – I could be manager.

Besides – This was a total joke on You my Nigerian Friend! Thanks for the Laughs, its been real!

Peace out.

Bo and Luke Duke

how to be eschewed by the celebrity circuit

roll call, beverly hills high, 2024.

suri cruise? here.
moses martin? here.
shiloh pitt-jolie? here.
kingston rossdale? here.
grier shields-hammond? here.
johnny sorvino-backus?

(giggles)

i mean, how could they name that poor kid "johnny"? doesn't he know that he's gonna get teased with a ridiculous name like that?

how fake deserves a fate that's fake

i think it's classic that home run #715 by barry bonds was caught by a guy on line at a concession stand.

you know. a non-baseball fan.

think about it: who on earth would go to a concession stand to get his girlfriend some peanuts when barry bonds, the famous and infamous slugger, is about to step to the plate, and you have a chance to witness firsthand a momentous home run, one that topples the sport's biggest legend?

no baseball fan i know would get peanuts.

i just think it's apropro. the biggest fake in the ballpark catching a milestone home run ball by the biggest fake in baseball.

fantastic.

how you don't mess with the bull, young man. you'll get the horns

the man who said, "now this is the thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night. that when i get older, these kids are going to take care of me" now has nothing to worry about.

rest in peace, principal richard vernon from "the breakfast club".

how parker lewis lost

it's 10pm on sunday night, and i'm watching a movie on the sci-fi channel called "mansquito" starring corin nemec.

yep, kubiak's best friend.

i'd say it's been a far drop since santo domingo high school.

especially when i just heard dialogue like this: "he's more mosquito than man right now...mosquitos don't have emotions or motivations. they're simple creatures...they want two things: to feed and to mate."

how i can't believe this mascot exists

wait a second. to start off with, i can't believe that the rhode island school of design has a hockey team.

then i can't believe that their name is "the nads".

and, to top it all off, i can't believe that this is their mascot, and that his name is "scrotie".

kinda makes "redskins" sound disneyesque.

how random is lucrative

a guy i work with has set up a website, helpmegetrandomwithladysovereign.com, in which he's attempting to raise money to secure a date with lady sovereign, who is some sort of 19-year-old british dj chick phenom.

no, i never heard of her either.

anyways, he and his wesbite have made it to the cover of spin.com and yahoo.com, and he just found out that lady sovereign will do it if he raises $10,000. that amount would cover costs for what they would do on the date.

it's completely ludicrous, but fantastic.

how this has to be the most embarrassing news expose ever

or the proudest moment in the history of mustaches.

and the best thing about this video is that it's all real.

how this has got to be the worst logo ever for the APC

or the best logo ever for nambla.

how it would do well for both contestants if nobody won "american idol"

i'm serious about that.

there's many great things about the voices and performances of katharine mcphee and taylor hicks. if left to their own devices, they're both gonna carve out really strong niches in their respective genres. katharine's going to sing some great r&b songs. taylor's gonna rock the southern blues circuit.

but in the hands of the songwriters that create the further careers of these two, well, they're just gonna be one more in a sea of pop crap.

the worst part of the finale show was the "original" songs they were given. there was absolutely no creativity or emotion or craft in any of them. they were purely cookie-cutter, with very little thought to accompaniment or arrangement. the lyrics were hokey and straightforward. the background muted. the musical storytelling nonexistant.

like i said, crap. pure crap.

it's a disservice to both of them, katharine mcphee in particular. it's not her fault. they were both bigger than their songs.

we are all bigger than those songs.

honestly, they couldn't have given them any more boring, generic and underwhelming songs for them to sing on the most important day of their lives. who's to say that their careers aren't gonna follow suit?

i'm just saying that, under the umbrella of "american idol", with the tepid and unoriginal craftmanship and songmaking, neither one is gonna see the success they've got the potential for.

that is, unless it's mediocrity they're aiming at. and i don't think they are.

they've got so much more than what their songwriters can give them.

and that's a shame.

how iraq is a lost cause

every day, there's something new i hear about iraq that makes my stomach coil. and, each time, i ask, "what in hell's name are we fighting for?"

and, after these new allegations about the iraqi people, savages "who do not understand a word of english but can sing an entire lionel richie song", i implore the government for an immediate pullout.

do we need any other reason?

how not all sound design is created equal

this commercial won a silver pencil at the one show two weeks ago, and it's one of the coolest ads i've ever heard.

yeah, heard.

pump up your best speakers.

how if you're a boxing fan

you should check out the replay of the marco antonio barrera vs. rocky juarez fight that was on hbo this past weekend.

then again, if you are a boxing fan, then you're probably not missing any of barrera's fights anyways.

how it's too close to call

when i was 21, i was a junior in college, studying shakespeare, trying to get some of my hops and quickness back that i lost to surgery, figuring out that advertising was what i wanted to do for the rest of my life, working for the phone company on campus and saving up for a car.

when lebron james was 21, he became the third player in nba history to average 31, 7 and 6, he led his inferior team to an almost-upset of the best team in the league, he has a fantastic ad campaign that calls out everyone as a witness to his greatness, and he's a multimillionaire many times over.

like i said, right now, it's too close to call.

but i do know that he's gonna have to work hard to top my age 22 year.

how the "da vinci code" movie is just as good as the book

then again, i thought the book sucked.

okay, let me start here for my review: "the da vinci code" is the best worst book ever written. the ideas inside completely blew my mind (even though dan brown stole them from "holy blood, holy grail"). in fact, never have i read a book that just completely shook up everything about me the way that book did.

it was just written on a fourth-grade level, with preposterous plot turns and terribly clunky dialogue. i couldn't get past that. it's embarrassing. but then again, considering the country's voting habits, i guess it's just about right for everyone.

so i went in, hoping to enjoy it.

here's how i came out.

THE DA VINCI CODE
starring tom hanks, audrey tautou and ian mckellan
directed by ron howard
viewed at the grand lake theater in lake merritt, oakland, california

well, this movie brings forth a bunch of questions not brought up in the book. i'll go through them one-by-one:

1. is ron howard overrated? yes. big-time. in fact, when you go to his imdb.com page, you begin to realize that he's got far more misses than hits, and his real amazing film, "a beautiful mind", is looking more and more caused by the brilliance of russell crowe than anything else. to wit: howard and crowe were also in "cinderella man", which was okay - the storyline was very hokey. but the movie wasn't hokey, and much - if not all - credit should be given to crowe. any other actor would have played jim braddock as a softie. but crowe was so uncompromisingly convincing, that he drew our empathy while not betraying ethics for compassion. and his amazing performance hid the vanilla supbar directing. for example, howard made the disasterous decision to move the camera inside the ring, giving no sense of perspective to the action. why would he do that? you don't know who's hitting who. i guess what i'm saying is that howard had his biggest success when tied to the finest actor of our generation. in this movie, howard again moves the camera continuously throughout the first two hours. the only reason i'm bringing this up is because the film is awful during that time. why would you move the camera? well, you move the camera to give some energy to a scene, or to let the lens do the storytelling. but, in this film, the idea should carry the story, and the lens should be locked down so that you're only concentrating on one thing: the words. but howard didn't do that. it's too much. way too much. it's as if the directing style he chose for this film was simply "i have a big budget. let's spend it all on fancy moves" instead of having an idea or a motif and sticking to it. speaking of that, if he stuck to what he does best - "parenthood", "cocoon", "splash" - i think everyone will be happy. but he's way over his head right now.

2. how bad was the book to begin with? very bad. the advantage that a book has over a film is that a book is gradual. it plays out over an extended period of time. a movie is only two hours long. and when you watch this film, you realize that dan brown's storyline (not the idea) is quite possibly among the most amatuerishly conceived ever. i'm serious. the biggest question, really, isn't just if dan brown stole his source material from "holy blood, holy grail". it's also if he stole the storyline from a soap opera or professional wrestling.

3. what about tom hanks? he also wasn't very good - and this is coming from someone who is a big tom hanks fan. he just didn't have any chemistry with amelie. and again, the camera was never really set on him to allow hanks to do what he does best - act. it was too busy. the star of the film, however, was ian mckellan. then again, when is he isn't?

4. who else can you blame? i'm not blaming anyone. when you get down to it, the book isn't very good. and you just can't turn crap into gourmet.

5. how could it have been better? first off, hire a director who knows how to handle this type of movie. and, although i'm not a big fan of his writing style, i honestly think m. night shymalan would have done a great job with this. he's spooky, and he's got a unique visual style. tom hanks would've been fine, as long as he's allowed to silently emote to the camera. then again, maybe he's not the right guy. i mean, you never get the sense that tom hanks is in trouble. there's a quality that he has that you pull for him, always, no matter what. i know he dies in "saving private ryan", but that was a war movie, and remember how touched you felt when he did pass? i guess what i'm saying is that you don't buy that robert langdon is in jeopardy because tom hanks would never die in a movie like this. maybe keifer sutherland would have pulled it off better.

then again, jack bauer is jesus christ.

on the bright side, i didn't find the movie to be boring at all.

here's what i did love about the movie: where i saw it. the grand lake theater was built in 1926, and it's about as classicly gorgeous now is it was then. in my five years out here, i can't believe i'd never been. what a shame.

anyways, here's some photos i shot of the outsides, insides and viewing rooms:

how it didn't really bother me that much

until fox ran a graphic on saturday that had photos of hank aaron, barry bonds and babe ruth - in that order.

that is when #714 struck a nerve.

how i don't want this information

look, i'm all about the drama behind finding jimmy hoffa's disintegrating remains, but i'm also about keeping the fantasy alive that he's buring under the goal posts at giants stadium. or within the cement of the verrazano-narrows bridge. or being chopped up and used as a secret sauce at the macaroni grill.

what i'm saying that i'm not really sure if i'm okay if they find his remains in what's now called "hidden dreams farm" in milford township, michigan.

in fact, i ain't.

nothin' mafioso about milford township. capisce?

how to burn in hell

paul mccartney announced that he's separating from his wife, heather mills mccartney.

he also said that rumors implying she married him for his money are unfounded.

how much would you have paid if he said that "the rumors that she married him for his money don't have a leg to stand on"?

millions, for me.

how everyone needs to stop taking everything so seriously

i just read an article on cnn that stated that christians around the world are protesting the impending release of "the da vinci code" with boycotts and hunger strikes.

fine. go ahead. be my guest.

i mean, you can get angry about any movie. southerners can protest over "gone with the wind". little people can protest over "the wizard of oz". hell, the germans can get angry about "casablanca". every movie will offend someone - or a large group of people. they should. if nobody's offended, then the movie sucks.

but then i got thinking about the muslims reaction to the cartoon of mohammed. originally, i was sensitive to them, and how everyone knew they would get incensed, and the danes published it anyways.

isn't it hypocritical for me to be sensitive to the muslims and not to the christians?

that's what i was thinking of when i was being cabbed home tonight. i always talk to my drivers, and i usually get a laugh from them at some point. and, to be honest, most of them are arab. i never had a problem with any one of them.

my driver tonight was talking on the phone with someone else speaking in arabic. this also happens a lot. but something very rare happened: the driver laughed during his phone conversation.

i gotta say, for all the times i've ever been in a cab with a driver who's arab and has talked arabic on the phone, that was the first time i heard laughter in a conversaion between two middle easterners.

now, that means either they don't laugh, or they're not funny.

like i said, i make my cabbies laugh.

i guess my point is that it's everyone's right to protest.

but, for the sake of everyone else, it might not hurt to stop taking yourself seriously, and to have a sense of humor, and that not everything is life or death.

you know, maybe save your protests for something important, and then it might mean something. movies don't mean a thing. cartoons don't mean a thing.

it just comes off as whining.

how my humor is indeed quantifiable

some people wonder aloud about where my humor sensibilities lie.

well, you just need to get to know me. like, really know me.

or you can just take a shortcut and ask one of my childhood friends, someone who knows me as long as anyone, who forwarded me this, knowing this is right up my funny bone.

thanks, tommy.

how irony rocks

sorry i didn't post this earlier, but i was in new york for the weekend, having my days and nights filled with playing with my nephew.

anyways, i was in the oakland international airport at 7am last thursday, sitting in a cafeteria, waiting patiently to board my plane, and listening to a woman scream on her cellphone to her health insurance provider about her rates. "I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY MY RATES ARE HIGH...I DON'T UNDERSTAND...THEY NEED TO COME DOWN...WHAT? THESE RATES ARE UNFAIR..." and on and on she yelled. and it was a very important conversation that couldn't wait, mind you, and everyone at the airport needed to be witnesses on this highly urgent debate on healthcare.

ugh.

at least everyone in her vicinity was laughing at her.

anyways, she finally hung up, completely exasperated, and started griping to her husband, who clearly had been in this situation before. and, when she finally took a moment to stop talking, this woman, this very large woman, took a bite from her egg, cheese and ham buttered croissant.

yes, this very large woman, who was just complaining about her high healthcare rates, took a bite from her egg, cheese and ham buttered croissant.

irony, i love you.

how i know someone not quite famous

this is from my friend todd brotze:

Tonight (Tue. 5/16) at 9:00e/8:00c on NBC, you might** see me hanging upside-down in a bat cave delivering a one-liner as "Vampire Man" on Scrubs.

** - unless I ended up on the cutting room floor... in which case, those attending the viewing will receive a live reenactment at no additional charge.

so he's got that going for him, which is nice.

how i'm not feeling mcgreat right now

i just ate my first mcdonald's meal in a couple of months, and i gotta say, my mcstomach is not mchappy with my mcchoice of mcdinners.

in fact, i feel like i have to mcshit out a mcgopher. and it's gonna smurfin' hurt.

yeah, i said smurfin'.

how i think i have an admirer

i got this really nice e-mail from janine franks today:

Hi steve saw you had the last address for hotmail and I know how much you love to read e-mails and chat so I thought i'd give you my e-mail address so that you can keep in touch after your rotation is finished. Hope you are feeling better see you tomorrow in the am.

i have no idea who she is or what's she's talking about.

but she's so obviously digging the steveoh.

how this might be a sham

from the junk e-mail folder:

Attn: Sir/Madam.

We are delighted to inform you of your prize release on the 30th of April 2006 from the British International Lottery programme. Which is fully based on an electronic selection of winners using their e-mail addresses? Your e-mail address was attached to ticket number; 4706172507056490902 serial number 7741137002 this batch draws the lucky numbers as follows 5-13-33-37-42 bonus number 17, which consequently won the lottery in the second category. You here by have been approved a lump sum pay of US$2,200,000.00 (TWO MILLION TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS) in cash credit file ref: ILP/HW 47509/02 from the total cash prize shared amongst eight lucky winners in this category.

sweet! how do i claim it?

To file for your claim, please quote your reference, batch and winning number which can be found on the top left corner of this notification as well as your full name, address and telephone number to help locate your file easily. For security reasons, we advice all winners to keep this information confidential from the public until your claim is processed and your prize released to you. This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and unwarranted taking advantage of this programme by non-participant or unofficial personnel.

ANY BREACH OF CONFIDENTIALITY ON THE PART OF THE WINNERS WILL RESULT TO DISQUALIFICATION.

sweet times two! i'm on it!

and, to make it easier on them, i'll give them my social security number.

i'm a millionairre!

churros for everyone!

how this will be the summer of my content

in june:
pearl jam at the great american music hall

in july:
radiohead at the greek theater in berkeley (still to be purchased)

in august:
red hot chili peppers at the oakland coliseum

in closing: summer will not suck.

how i might be lame, or i might not

after spraining my ankle for the second time in six weeks, i've decided that my body is not long for track shoes - at least not when my ligaments are this weak. so i'm back to wearing high tops - which really means i'm back to wearing my classic run-dmc white adidas high tops, perfect for getting tricky.

i've basically worn them non-stop for six weeks anyways. but i had some spare time today, so i decided to buy another pair. hell, niketown ain't a far walk to work.

so i went, hoping to get some classic jordans to match my classic run-dmcs.

yeah, that didn't work out for me. i was told they didn't have any, that they only stock them at special moments. so i still looked around and, well, i used to joke that the reason i don't hoop anymore is because the sneakers today are ugly. that was a joke. that's not the reason.

you know what? the sneakers today are ugly.

no nikes for steve.

so i went to champs and foot locker, and nothing really hit me. it almost seems like they've gone through every sneaker design that looks good, and now they're just throwing shit to the wall and seeing what sticks. nothing's sticking for me. but i need something to protect my ankle. i'd take ugly for support.

then i saw them.

so obvious, really. so classic. in fact, they should have been top of mind. but they weren't. and i've never worn them before, but always wanted to, and now, here's my chance.

so i got them. and another for variety.

my ankles are depending on you.

can you handle it, chuck?

how it's probably worth it

i've never been inside it, but i'm thinking that $13 million is a fair price for mr. t's mansion.

i mean, how many homes comes complete with a room specifically for pitying fools?

i'd use that.

how this is the worst season ever

"saturday night live" has had many lows in its illustrious run.

this has got to be the absolute worst.

case in point: the opening skit - in theory, the best - from this week's episode featured a parody of "wheel of fortune".

the puzzle said "BY THE S-IN OF OUR TEETH".

do you want to guess how the rest of the skit went?

don't think too hard. nobody else did.

my god, it's awful and embarrassing.

how history's already not being too kind to him

george w. bush likes to say that history will judge him differently than how we do in today's time.

i agree with him on that, the idea that you can't judge a president until long after his term is over.

but here's an incredibly well-researched article from "rolling stone". it's written by a leading historian using opinions and information from a wide swatch of historians from every party, leaning and ilk who informs us that, with what we already know and have seen, we're living through a momentous era in american history - that of the worst president ever. and that's sad, very sad.

one who doesn't learn from past mistakes - like not caring about the consequences of his political appointments. like, oh i don't know, taking the guy who was in charge of one of the president's biggest political mistakes that he has been unmercifully vilified for - the wiretapping and spying on americans - and then naming him as the new cia director, as if nobody would notice.

well, we get what we vote for.

how to catch up on music reviews

well, it's not really catching up, because i finally downloaded one today and bought the other right afterwards. but i digress, and without any more delay:

"pearl jam" by pearl jam
i've given this two listens so far, and i gotta say that i'm well on my way to loving it. i'm one of those guys who actually kept on listening to pearl jam after they became "less popular". i mean, when you understand that they claim to be nothing more than a neil young cover band, and listen to their albums within that prism, well, you can't say they're back because they never went away. but after this album, i guess, they're back. there's a certain energy to this album (maybe it's the addition of an organ to the arrangement) that's been lacking recently. anyways, i never fall in love with a pearl jam album on the first listen. it takes awhile. but this energy's really accelerating the process for me. and it's no doubt where it's coming from. as green day has recently taught us, musical energy comes from anywhere, but in these days, it's in one very easy-to-find place: hatred. and there's a lot of anti-bush venom on this album. i'm well on my way to ditching the book i read on my bus for this on my ipod.

"we shall overcome: the seeger sessions" by bruce springsteen
then again, it doesn't take much for me to love the boss. and, man, i gotta tell you, this album is truly amazing. it's purely bluegrass and jazz funeral music, with banjos and brass, drums and strings, and bruce's raw and painful voice weaving us through songs about loss and hope. and it's a tremendous achievement. this is currently my second listen, and there's a cavalcade of sounds and instruments i just didn't catch the first time around - and i'm sure that my next listens will be about finding more. it's just fun, and i want to kick my legs up as i march down rue st. charles. someone toss me beads. and what's knocking me out is that it's so different than "devils and dust", which was dour yet beautiful. this is somewhat celebratory, even when singing about "his oklahoman home that blown away". go buy this album and embrace what's a triumphant return to a forgotten, truly american art form.

how even this is well thought out

the different characters on "the office" have their personal playlists charted on itunes.

for all of you still in the draconian ages who don't have itunes, well, i'm too lazy to retype everything, but here's the best:

some of michael scott's valentine day romantic picks:
- opposites attract - "who's the luckiest guy in the world? that animated cat from this video, who got to dance with paula abdul"
- pride (in the name of love) - best song about a break up he's ever heard, but he doesn't know why everyone in the office start talking about martin luther king jr.
- take on me - "i love pretty much everything a-ha ever did".
- in your eyes - "remember in 'the breakfast club' when john cusack holds up the boombox?"
- faithfully - "try to listen to this whole song without crying. i dare you."
- mambo no.5 - "this song is so true".
- baby got back - "i love hip hop. this is old skool hip-hop, before it got all commerical."

and some from dwight schrute: twelve songs that inspire and motivate me:
- wild side - "this is my favorite song ever...you cannot spell 'schrute" without 'c-r-u-e."
- the star spangled banner - "no explanation necessary".
- more than a feeling - "sometimes you feel things and you're like, 'whoa, that's a feeling', but it's so much more".
- some gave all - "a singer, an american. a simple country doctor on the pax network. nilly ray cyrus will always be cool in my book."

how she's mine, all mine

yet another in an endless line of junk e-mail i receive:

Hi ....How are you?

Probably you are surprised to receive my letter.... Who Is it? Really we are not familiar.... But in this the purpose of my letter to acquaintance to you... Well...My name is Anna... Im 28. I live in Latvia.. (If you will be interested I can send you my photo.) That save your time I wish answer at once questions which you can set me...

1. How I have received yours e-mail?
- My girlfriend has found in the Internet the announcement " The E-mails of man wishing to get acquainted with women "... she has bought 20 е-mails. 10 has given me... Thus this I has reached you.

2. Whom I search?
-not married white the man from 30-50... To Me does not interest only correspondence. And love through the Internet. To Me interest only real relations . You should understand that the meeting face to face... is necessary for development of relations.

3. can I deceive you?
- I know that on the Internet many swindlers which wish to receive only money... I consider that it very low... and my vital principles do not allow to play with feelings of people. If you are afraid that I shall deceive you... Do not answer this letter... I would not that you arranged to me checks and humiliated me naming skamer. I the real woman which really wish to find the love instead of money. I think the man should not be afraid to be deceived... Inherently... Everyone the man the hazardous player. You can consider it as game in which the main prize there can be I....

Well... I ask forgive if my letter sounds very rigidly.... Actually I kind, soft and fluffy... As a small kitten. If you really interested... I shall be glad to see your letter...

See you again...
Anna

how he was the right man for the job

here's a video of stephen colbert giving a scathingly hiliarious address at the white house correspondent's dinner.

what were they thinking?