Friday, December 30, 2005

how there's always something on (or, how the unintentional always tops the intentional)

i was flipping through the telly tonight at 12:30 - and with this being the week between christmas and new year's, well, there was even more nothing on than usual. everything a repeat. nothing intriguing. movies unwatchable.

so i found my way to community access tv, and a program called "staten island comedy show". i had nothing to lose.

my god.

okay, so i'll set the scene: there were six people, a dummy and a sock puppet sitting around a table. in theory, they were comedians and one singer. and they would get up, do their bit and then sit down for an uncomfortable conversation.

think carson, except crap.

i flipped to the show as a woman was doing her bit - a horribly unfunny joke about a man with a lisp which didn't have a punchline other than the woman talking with a lisp. it was, in a word, offensive. and in more words, unfunny and cruel. she also told a joke about how her friend wanted to go to hell's kitchen, and she replied that she wasn't hungry. is there an older joke about new york? is there? seriously, let me know.

anyways, she finally sat down, and it was the ventriloquist's turn, and his big bit was that his dummy couldn't add 5 and 5 together. somehow, when he wrote that, he expected laughter. somehow, that was supposed to be funny.

what was funny, by the way, was how much in hysterics the panel was at every joke told at that point - and how much i was in hysterics at how much they were in hysterics.

and then, the musical guest - and by musical guest, i mean a singer wearing a short sleeved sequined shirt - stood up and asked for track #3 on his karaoke machine, which was "this magic moment" by jay black and the americans. and, i'm gonna be honest with you - he sucked. and trust me, i know about sucky singers. i am one. and this guy sucked shit. think neil diamond, except nothing like neil diamond at all.

okay, he really wasn't all that terrible. he had a couple of lame attempts for jokes - including the one joke that might be older than the hell's kitchen gag, saying that staten island should be pronounced "is that an island?" you know, they usual you hear before the age of five when you grow up here. what was funny about him, however, was how he got feedback every time he sang the words "this magic moment". i laughed my ass off.

did i mention the graphic? they misspelled his last name.


how do i shut this off? why would i?

the next comedienne was a survivor of colon cancer - and as we all know, colon cancer survivors are a laugh riot. of course, you give her the benefit of the doubt. but she was completely awful. there just weren't jokes anywhere in her routine. i mean, i really wanted to laugh, really wanted to support her - she's been through enough - but there was nothing. nothing! but what made me laugh was the panel, who laughed aloud at the jokes at the wrong time, confusing her throughout.

but she's a cancer survivor. god bless her.

so as she's doing her bit, we all of a sudden hear a crinkling sound. and, behind this inspiration of a woman, we see that the host of the show is crumpling up a piece of paper - but he's doing it right by the mic on his chest, so the sound is deafening. so now i'm watching this guy, 'cuz i have to now, and as the cancer survivor is doing her routine, he throws his crumpled up piece of paper at someone on the panel.

and as she continues her bit, the paper flies back at the host.

seriously, could i make this up?

then they announce that the host (who at this point has added nothing at all to the conversations) and the singer actually have a sports show, and they cut to a clip from it. they were both wearing rastafarian wigs (why?) and they were breaking down the houston-indianopolis football game (and i'm only spelling indianopolis that way because that's how they spelled it on their chalkboard). the host gave his assessment of the texans with this amazing piece of scrutinizing analysis - brace for it, here it comes - "there are more holes in houston than in the grand canyon".


they came back to the panel, and the singer says, "boy we were winners!" - he was talking about the pick but it was so unintentionally sarcastic. could not be funnier.

did i mention that i couldn't breathe by now from laughter?

the host then asked the dummy why the pony couldn't talk. the answer? 'cuz it was a little horse. everyone erupted. what?

the host and the sock puppet then showed a pre-taped clip of their adventures in a cockpit. but the audio was all messed up and you couldn't understand a thing they said. it was awful, awful, awful stuff. why air it? did they check it out beforehand? didn't they know? then they came back to the panel and he had to explain the joke and the bit which wasn't worth it to begin with.

seriously, i can't make this up.

at this point, i shut it off. i didn't want to ruin the show. i mean, seriously, it was the best hour of television i could have asked for - all completely unintentional, everyone taking it seriously, all the worst jokes you can ask for. if they had tried to had make this exact show on purpose, it would have been even worse. it was far too amazing for people none too clever.

i can't wait for the next episode.

how it's like obvious, butt wipe

i haven't watched "beavis and butthead" in about 15 years, but there it was, on something called mtv2. and it's still the best written show on television.

seriously, i forgot how funny it was, and such a completely original show. plus, it had the first appearance of hank hill, even though i don't think it took place in arlen and i'm not sure if he had a name.

anyways, the yellow starbursted b&bh logo is in the corner, but it's kinda cut off by the obnoxiously large mtv2 logo. no big deal. but three times during the half-hour show, a bar came over the screen that read "you are currently watching 'beavis and butthead' on mtv2."

yeah, no shit, asswipe.

not only do i see those logos on the bottom right, but it's the only reason i'm watching this channel, and who else do i think those two animated characters are? and seriously, if i'm here, and if you're already telling me what i'm watching in the bottom right, then why do you need to tell me again? for reinforcement?

it's why i'm here, buttmongers.

yeah, yeah, yeah, buttmongers.


yeah, huh, cool.

yeah. yeah.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

how it wasn't beauty that killed the beast

i just saw peter jackson's "king kong", and far be it for me to comment on his work, but i have some issues. then again, keep in mind that i loved the film and that you really can't remake a film that much better.

for me, the fight scenes on the island were too long and that the beginning of the film was a little too cheesy, but all that is up for people's own interpretation and tastes. those are opinions.

but there's something glaring.

in the original, the beast formed a bond with fay wray. she wasn't necessarily courting him or attached to him. in fact, she was terrified of him. and it was kong escaping with her to the top of the empire state building that lead to his eventual death. 'twas beauty that killed the beast. no truer words ever ended a movie.

in this one, however, the beast and naomi watts form a bond with each other. she becomes almost loyal to him, thankful with how he protected her. and that bond matters on top of the empire state building, where she tries to protect him from the oncoming helicopters. it's like she's repaying him with her form of protection. i like this part of it. the actual storytelling might not be all that realistic, but there's a human side to it that just tugs at you.

but then he falls to his death, and jack black says, "'twas beauty that killed the beast".

but it didn't. it was beauty that tried to save the beast. it was beauty that protected him. it was beauty that cried when he fell.

greed, fame, prestige, money, fear...those were the things killed the beast in this movie.

peter jackson got that wrong.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

how to emasculate myself unintentionally

because of my cold/flu, i've been breathing from my mouth for the past five days. and because of that, my lips are chapped.

so i had to buy chapstick.

i hate chapstix. not that i don't like the idea of it or how it tastes, but i hate that it looks like i'm applying lipstick on my mouth.

i'm a guy. i don't do lipstick on myself.

but i had to. and i am completely emasculated.

so i've been wondering what other somewhat innocent things i can do to make myself look and feel like someone who has his balls in a jar.

here's an incomplete list:
- share an umbrella with another man
- drink from a straw
- fall gracefully
- order a mohito

more to come.

how it's no longer time to make the donuts or to creep people out

farewell, my hitler-stached friend. a crueller will never be the same.

also, actor vincent schiavelli died. you might not know his name, but he played the creepy teacher in "fast times at ridgemont high" and the creepy ghost from "ghost". and he was married to miss dipesto from "moonlighting".

and if you're wondering what the child of miss dipesto and vincent schiavelli would look like, here ya go. and, amazingly, he's exactly what i would have imagined.

funny how life works out like that.

how to find a reason for insanity

just a scant three months after splitting from her first husband (and with their divorce papers not even finalized), tori spelling is getting married again, this time to 39-year-old actor nobody dean mcdermott.

it's obvious that she's careening out of control. and i wonder, probably regretfully now, how different her life would be if she had only eaten anything - like a little garden salad or a snickers bar - on the day of her famous beverly hills high prom, before she drank way too much and way before she fainted in front of mrs. teasley.

and if that weren't traumatic enough, to be suspended the day before she graduates, sentenced to summer school - summer school! - only for it to be lifted at the very last moment with the help of a chanting student body, well, those incidents can jar even the most grounded person.

i understand, tori. you're lost. but it's not your fault.

it's not your fault.

Monday, December 26, 2005

how to find the best christmas card ever

this is the christmas card that i gave my uncle for christmas, knowing that he would find it funnier than most.

and he did.

hope all y'all had a happy holiday.

i'm talking to all seven of you.

how to hate holiday advertising

the two things i hate about the holidays are the complementary chest cold i get when i travel to new york and, more disgustingly, all the terrible advertising.

to begin with, there's gross superficiality stereotypes of people, especially women. in fact, if i were a woman in this country, i'd be outraged at how superficial and shallow i'm made out to be in these spots. just watch any jewelry commercial. the one that i hate the most is where the woman waits up for her husband (i guess) and a snow plow drops him off (i think) or maybe he stole it to get home and they hug outside as snow falls on them and then he gives her a ring and she hugs him even harder. seriously, wtf? is that ring worth more?

seriously, that's the template for every single jewelry spot. insulting.

but what really sets me off are the horrifyingly bad car commercials with their unconvincing winter/christmas/holiday sales specials (valid until the spring sales begin, by the way). they're usually punny or completely ridiculous.

here's the two i hate the most. i've converted them into scripts. and i hope those who wrote them and approved them see this and feel great shame.


we open on a board meeting. a bunch of executives are debating vociferously. there are charts and graphs scattered around the room. and, at the tensest moment, they all stop at once, and their eyes move to a chorus suddenly appearing in the doorway.

and as they begin to sing, we cut back to the busy executives, now caught up in the festive moment.

chorus: we wish you a happy honda day. we wish you a happy honda day. we wish you a happy honda day, for a happy new year.

cut to a quick montage of all the special deals a consumer can buy if they act now.

i hate that spot on so many levels. allow me to break it down.

1. how did the carolers even get inside the building?
2. why are they singing about hondas?
3. why do the executives give a shit? they haven't heard the deal yet.
4. was that pun the best they can do?
5. and that song is poorly written.

i don't want to talk about this anymore. so here's another.


we open on a woman on the internet. she's trying to decide what to buy her husband for christmas.

she's on a golfing website. maybe she'll buy him a driver. maybe she'll get him a new golf bag.

no. that won't do. she looks outside the window, and she sees a lexus with a bow on top of it. her eyes open. aha! and then the car pulls away, revealing that the bow was actually on top of a gate.

cut to a quick montage of all the special deals a consumer can buy if they act now.

end with the husband seeing the new lexus bought for him. he hugs his wife.

i have many gripes about this, but i'll focus on these two.

1. okay, she's looking on a golfing website. maybe a driver. maybe a bag. at the very most, we're looking at a purchase of a couple of hundred dollars. if she gets both, maybe she's spending $750 - and that's very extremely high-end. for most people, think $300. so her budget is less than a thousand. so she goes off and buys a car for somewhere around $60,000, blowing her budget by, oh, $59,000. makes complete sense.

2. how many "december to remembers" can you have? it's like the fifth year straight, and i don't remember any of them specifically. why is this december worth remembering over last year's what was worth remembering? huh? who? what?

this is how i roll when i'm sick.

how to steal from a better website

okay, it's not really stealing, but i don't really know how to link from my blog to another that is constantly updating as much as the ultrafantastic so i copy and paste and then put all of it into italics. that's how i roll.

anyways, here's an article they posted about johnny damon singing with the yankees and how they statistically showed that they overpaid. enjoy.

and check them out sometimes. it's an amazing blog.

What Did a Win Cost?

Via the USA Today Salary Database, I calculate the total salary paid in 2005 was $2.135 billion. With that number in hand, we can calculate how much a win cost in 2005. Since there are 15 *162 games, there are 15*162 wins. That makes the cost per win about $880,000 dollars.

We can calculate win shares for each player. Each win share is worth 1/3 of a win, or approximately $293,000 per win share.

I bring this up because I wonder just how much the Yankees are overpaying for Johnny Damon. Damon posted 25 win shares in 2005. That was worth 7.3 million (the Red Sox paid 8.2 million). Damon would need to post 44 win shares in 2006 for his contract to be worth the money in terms of win shares.

Of course, everything balances. Damon is getting over paid now for above average past performances. Jason Bay put up 30 win shares last year, worth 8.8 million but only received $660,000. At some point, he'll be over payed for this season, too.

Friday, December 23, 2005

how to have my own highlight

yeah, steve (staten island, ny) is me.

and if you can't access the chat about mid-major basketball:

steve (staten island, ny): how about some love for the wagner seahawks?

Kyle Whelliston: Here's some. Third-best three-point shooting team in the country, almost took down UCLA, and they have an awesome coach in Mike "The Ice Man" Deane. I want to see them play some conference games against the other NEC three-point bombers, though. If Durell Vinson (their big guy) has a great year, they win that conference.


how to back up my claim

here's the "chronicles of narnia" rap from last week's "saturday night live" that was seriously the funniest bit they've done this season.

enjoy, yo.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

how to be disappointed by the chinese

i had chinese food tonight with my parents from the same chinese food place i've been eating from since birth. after the usual good dinner, i was handed a fortune cookie, and after the ceremonial shatter, my paper read "god will lead you to wealth and prosperity".

god will lead me to wealth and prosperity.

that is not a fortune. it's a prophesy.

and i'm distraught.

i expect my fortune cookies to give me little hints on life, giving me little pointers on how to live a better life. you know, if you do this, this will happen.

but saying that god will lead me is vague.

what about god? accept him? worship him? live like him? it's vague. do i do nothing and wait for god to drop a treasure map onto me? or maybe god himself will cut me a check. is that what it means?

maybe it means that i act like a man of god? then again, that would only lead me to lawsuits and a transfer of parishes.

if for the rare occurance i'm bound and gagged into a church, should i not put money in the collection basket? is that what it means.

shit, i dunno.

but what i do know is that this ain't a fortune. it's propoganda.

a proper fortune would read "wisdom and patience will lead me to wealth and prosperity". yeah, that makes sense. there's a guideline there, and it's something i can easily follow.

instead, i got a homily.

i expected more from lum chin chinese restaurant, and that makes me wonder.

has the fear of the george w. administration rankled the previously undeterred shield of the chinese fortune cookie wisdom makers? has dubya found another route to pound in his born-again christian ethics?

i ask, where are your backbones, chinese men of fortune?

then again, maybe it's just the way the cookie crumbles nowadays.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

how to pay proper homage or else

i got this link of chuck norris facts from a friend today, and there might not be a funnier list ever compiled.

my favorites:

chuck norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

chuck norris counted to infinity - twice.

and chuck norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. as oswald shot, chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

makes you rethnk the genius of "walker: texas ranger".

how to punch a hole in the yankee balloon

today, the yankees signed octavio dotel and, more importantly, johnny damon.

first, about dotel: it's only costing them $2 million this year, so relatively speaking, he's coming cheap. but he's also coming injured, just barely nine months off tommy john surgery. and, as everyone knows, it takes 18 months to fully come back. so the yanks will be paying $2 million for a subpar octavio dotel. i guess he's better than a supercharged scott proctor.

then they went and signed johnny damon to play centerfield.

that's a huge blow to their rival. that cannot be questioned.

and their lineup is now, possibly, the most feared lineup ever: damon, jeter, a-rod, sheffield, giambi, matsui, bernie, posada and cano. that would put a crap in my cleats.

then again, cano is the only one under thirty in the lineup. (jeter's 32 and a-rod is 30). so, if you consider that a ballplayer's prime is between the ages of 28-32, you can really expect only cano and a-rod to improve and jeter to stabilize and the rest to decrease. (damon is 32, but with all the pounding he's taken, he's gotta be an old 32). but, to be fair, let's say his production stablizes.

so that fearsome line-up just got younger (damon replacing sierra), but they're still older than dirt.

but here's the funny thing: the lineup wasn't the problem last year.

johnny damon has somewhat better range than bernie williams, but he's got the absolute worst outfield arm in the majors. so, amazingly, they replaced a weak-armed outfielder with an even weaker-armed outfielder.

sheffield and matsui are helpless out there, so they still have a terrible defensive outfield - so they haven't solved their problem at all.

a-rod is great at third, but jeter's been statistically proven to be mediocre (although my eyes say differently) and cano's no gold glove. and when you throw tin-gloved giambi at first - uh oh.

and they've all gotten older.

unless their pitching staff strikes everyone out, then they're looking at more problems. you see, carl pavano doesn't strike anyone out. neither does chacon, and his numbers belie a very lucky pitcher. wang's not a flamethrower either. and aaron small throws in the 80s.

randy johnson is turning 43, and his velocity is down.

so they basically have a pitching staff that needs to rely on the defense behind them.

are you at ease, yankee fans?

so they still have the best lineup in the majors that will do a lot with the 27 outs given to them in a game, but their defense will make their pitchers work even harder, giving their opponents more than 27 outs.

i wouldn't be digging it, if i were a yankee fan - especially since you got damon through his 37th year.

but that's just me. it ain't my money.

how some things still suck

i haven't been to a new york rangers game at madison square garden in, i dunno, 15-20 years (tickets were very hard to come by during the messier years). so yeah, it's been awhile.

the seat colors have changed. the team has changed many times over. there's no more music being played from the pipe organ. the home jerseys have changed too.

so everything is different, you know, except for the "potvin sucks" chant.

in 1979, during a heated islanders-rangers playoff game, islander defenseman (and all-time great) denis potvin injured ranger ulf nilsson. and thus, the chant began.

it's been 26 years.

and when you consider that potvin's been retired since 1988, well, it's been 17 years since it might have even been relevant.

and i still heard it tonight, oh, i dunno, thirty times or so.


by the way, if you like a "potvin sucks" t-shirt, you can get one here.


how a dream might come true

i overheard something in new york that i deemed worthy to make

it said it will be posted in a couple of weeks, so be on the lookout for this:

on the corner of 48th and madison, two twenty-something women were walking down the block when one says to the other, "and he be speakin' so proper."

god bless ears.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

how to fix a late night fixture

there's no lying in this statement: "saturday night live" has been absolutely brutal this year. in fact, they should change the start to "live from new york, it's saturday suck!'

but that's to be expected. the show goes through stretches. after the not-ready-for-prime-time players, it sucked (and lorne michaels was temporarily replaced). after eddie murphy, it sucked. after adam sandler, it sucked. and now, after will ferrell, it sucks again. they just need to find that big star.

until then, though, it might help if they just reverse the order of sketches.

i tivo'd last night's episode, and the first half hour was absolutely terrible. i mean, the opening sketch was about a sbarro's and an open door that delivered a huge gust of wind. c'mon now. there's no idea there. and that's supposed to be the best? michael o'donoghue turned over in his grave. horrible writing.

but the end had some interesting stuff, like a video of two guys rapping dr. dre style about going to see "the chronicles of narnia". funny. and they had a very uncomfortable spelling bee bit that, admittedly, didn't suck. and another debbie downer segment, which is getting stale but still works for me.

they were all hidden at the end, after everyone had been bored asleep.

still, they need a lot of help. but if you have insomnia on a saturday night, it ain't nauseating after 12:30.

so it's got that going for it, which is nice.

how to be shocked

the biggest upset during the colts-chargers game yesterday wasn't that san diego won.

oh no.

it was that, throughout the entire game, commentator dan dierdorf never once mentioned the phrase "this is classic martyball".
not once.

sometimes i think that the announcers record their commentary in a machine, and the producer just selects what's to be said as the plays go on. if you don't think that's true, then watch "saunday night football" on espn with theisman and maguire.

anways, kudos to dick enberg and dan dierdorf for resisting the obvious catchcall.

oh my.

Friday, December 16, 2005

how to make me laugh

from the brilliant "pardon this interruption" show on espn:

wilbon: tony, are you gonna go see the movie about the kissin' cowboys?
kornheiser: sure. i heard parcells is really good with his tongue.

and from the equally brilliant "late night with conan o'brien":

president george w. bush admitted to listening to faulty intelligence about the iraq war. he also admitted to listening to faulty intelligence since first grade.

also on conan, he had a performance by charles ross, who can be currently seen off-broadway in a one-man show called "one man's star wars trilogy", which is exactly what it sounds like. he performed the opening scenes to episode four, from the opening credits to luke staring into the sunset on tattoine after getting leia's halogram message. and it was absolutely brilliant. here's a video of it. enjoy it, obi wan. you're our only hope.

how all i want for christmas is out of my hands

i have a christmas list, and it's all full of things that can be easily bought in stores or online.

but the one thing i want, the one thing i really want, is currently in negotiations, and i'm praying to st. nick that they're able to figure it out. i can't imagine life without the bluth family in it.

i hope this isn't one of gob's illusions.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

how to be proud

unlike the extended families of the noltes, buseys, sizemores or bushes, i think it's a great thing when my cousins make the news - especially for something as honorable as this.

congrats alana, marisa and alyssa. i'm proud of you.

how to not make fun of someone

there's a very fine line between making fun of someone and just stating facts.

so i am just going to state the facts about someone who i always see at my coffeehouse and who sat in front of me today while i worked.

as always, he wore spandex pants that glorify his package which, considering his outfit is skin tight, could have used a zucchini.

shit, i just made fun of him. let me start over, without the commentary. i promise, i'll just state the facts, and leave it up to you to form your own opinions. okay, here goes it. the theater of the mind.

- as always, he wore spandex pants that glorify his package.
- a fanny pack dangled around his neck. yes, i said around his neck.
- his sweater had a drawing of a pony on it.
- and his biking helmet stayed on his head while inside the cafe.


Sunday, December 11, 2005

how to redirect a movement

okay, i wholeheartedly agree that ladanian tomlinson needs a nickname.

but LT is already taken. and it's not like it was taken by someone anonymous. i mean, it's friggin' lawrence taylor, the best (and most notorious) linebacker ever - and you would think that a running back as glorious as tomlinson would deserve his own new identity.

so i propose a new nickname for ladanian tomlinson, not much unlike the one he's known as:


LaDanian Tomlinson.

that's so much better than LT anyways. i mean, anybody can be an LT - how about kansas city chiefs kicker lawrence tynes? - but there's only one LDT.

and he plays for the san diego chargers.

follow me on this one.

how to find a silver lining in a dismal giants victory

hey, we might not have a defense to depend on, but at least we have our kicker back.

how i escaped this dire destiny

in high school, casting agents scoured all the catholic schools for an italian kid to play the son of robert deniro in "a bronx tale". there were announcements made - if you were italian and you had some acting training, come on down.

well, considering that i am sicilian (which is italian+) and that i was in the improv group (which is somewhat related to acting), i figured i'd at least offer my irresistable services to the casting agents, who would see my brilliance immediately.

instead, they didn't believe that i was italian. they thought i looked irish.

oh well.

anyways, they wound up casting not an italian, but a colombian kid adopted by italian parents from yonkers who attended iona prep. that's their loss, really. and since his turn as "colungino", he's had a productive career, both on-screen and now off, where he'll be playing the role of "bitch" in prison.

holyshit, that could've been me, you know.

what, you talkin' to me?

Friday, December 09, 2005

how vanity has no ends

thank you, mariah carey, for showing the world that the phrase "is there anything i can do for you?" is far-reaching.

and thank the lord that there's photographic proof.

that makes my world go round.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

how to be adventurous

after a lean cuisine microwaveable dinner (don't laugh; they're actually pretty good), i decided to go to the corner store for a quick dessert. y'know, nothing that's gonna damage me, but something a little more dangerous than the banana i had hours beforehand. i didn't have anything in mind when i arrived.

but then, i saw it.

i'm talkin' about chedder beer kettle chips.


yeah, i was confused too. what the hell does cheddar have to do with beer? how did they know that they are both among my favorite things? how do you mix the two and which one takes the majority? and how did they coerce the kettle chip to join them in their dastardly plans?

how could i resist?

five minutes later, my tastebuds spoke with a resounding "eh. no big deal". and i'm as disappointed as you are.

how to make me laugh

on "late night with conan o'brien", he had a segment called "celebrity surveys" where he sent out a questionnaire to celebrities and asked them to finish incomplete sentences.

for example: "one city that's not as fun as it sounds is..."

penn gillette wrote "las vegas",
natalie portman wrote "hollywood",
and michael jackson wrote "boise".


Wednesday, December 07, 2005

how to reminisce on a stairmaster

while doing my workout on the stairmaster this morning, the gym played "this old heart of mine" by the isley brothers.

and, while stepping continuously on this sedentary machine, my mind travelled to a classic episode of "moonlighting" where maddie met david's brother - serious, mature, everything david tried not to be - and they begin a whirlwind romance, and it's at that exact point where all the buried feelings that david had for maddie began to bubble up. i mean, we all knew they were there, and obvious to all of us watching, but between their bickering and trying to solve crimes, maybe it wasn't evident to them until then.

i remember the look on david's face when he saw them together, maddie and his brother cozied up at the bar, shoulders touching, lips not too far apart, all this happening as that song played.

this old heart of mine been broke a thousand times
each time you break away I feel you're gone to stay
lonely nights that come, memories that flow
bringin' ya back again, hurting me more and more

and there wasn't a person in america who didn't want david to do something, say anything, try everything to get her to see him as she was seeing his brother. god, it was electric and emotional and scalding. it was everything television and storytelling should be. go to her, david, go to her.

it was everything "moonlighting" was, which is still one of my favorites and always will be, even down to me always wanting to be david addison when i grew up.

and i'm doing my best to fulfill that promise.

who said a stairmaster doesn't take you places?

how to mock random people silently until now

these are people i saw within the past 48 hours:

a woman on the bus with a beer gut that unfortunately was located in her right shin.

an older chinese man wearing a david byrne blazer.

two men working in the greek restaurant sporting saddam hussein mustaches.

a really enormously fat woman at a basketball game having a bit of trouble holding onto her three hot dogs and diet coke.

i like to thank each and every one of these people for the obnoxiously snide internal laughter you gave me within the past two days. seriously, you make my world go round. and i know that i'm a terrible person making fun of these unfortunates, but i kept it all internal, so that's got to add up for something in my favor, right?


how to revisit an old joke

you know your favorite joke as a kid that you told everyone in your class, but when everyone heard it, you couldn't use it again, and you were sad because you knew you were gonna forget it?

well, here's seventh grade revisited on a t-shirt.


how to unintentionally indict yourself

new york knicks coach larry brown recently critiqued his team by bemoaning their selfishness, which caused center jerome james to respond with, "i don't even know what he is talking about, i just worry about jerome."


Tuesday, December 06, 2005

how to continue the venom

if i gave it to josh groban, then i gotta give it to r. kelly.

i'll watch the whole clip this weekend when HBO replays the taylor-hopkins II fight, but i did see some of it on "sportscenter". the "it" i am talking about is r. kelly's interpretation of the national anthem, complete with dancers steppin' to the music and the words "put your hands together", which ironically, was eventually deleted from francis scott key's original poem.

and, like almost every other interpretation of the national anthem, it looked and sounded like crap.

but it's r. kelly's right to make it sound and look like crap. just like it's josh groban's right.

and they both did their best with it, to crap all over it.

between this and peeing on fourteen-year-old girls and the "trapped in the closet" performance monstrosity during the mtv music awards, r. kelly seems to be blazin' a new trail for r&b singers.

so i say to him, with all due respect, kudos on your new crapfest. i can't wait for what's next from you.

how you can't underestimate the lure of the mullet

this story is so completely ridiculous and creepy that i give thanks to god that it's true and actually happened.

never doubt the mullet. ever.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

how to keep a log during the giants-cowboys game

a simple record of phone conversations between my father, my brother and me during the good guys vs. bad guys game sunday morning.

10:13 - my father and i agree that the giants need to bench frank walker after his second consecutive penalty on third down. also, first utterance of the "f word".

10:45 - the word "asshole" is used to describe announcer and former cowboy troy aikman. note that i didn't say that it wasn't the first time that word was used to describe him or last week's announcer daryl "moose" johnson. i hate them both. what assholes. i'm glad thier former teammate michael irvin is doing them proud. they all can go "f word" themselves.

10:48 - touchdown, brandon jacobs - the human bulldozer. quick discussion over his usage at the goal line. i think they should use him more at the goal-line for play-actions. but that's just me.

10:54 - when strahan and umenyiora rush him, drew bledsoe shuffles around in the pocket like a drunk figure skater. and when he fumbles, he looks like a christmas shopper with one too many gifts in her arms. awesome.

11:25 - 10-0 giants at half. dad and i agree that's it's good to see jay feely actually playing for our team this week.

11:39 - dad calls after my mad sprint back from the corner store for a bottle of horseradish. touchdown giants. huh? thankfully, god is a football fan who also invented tivo, and i play it backwards. fumble on the hand-off, antonio pierce in the end zone. 17-0 good guys. this shrimp cocktail sauce is gonna taste amazing.

12:10 - 17-10. officially scared. we're looking like absolute crap right now.

12:27 - "i can't tell if aaron glenn was holding plaxico burress, or if burress is holding glenn". troy aikman actually said that on a play where glenn raped burress on a crossing pattern, as if burress would impede his own route. it's such an obvious pass interference penalty, that even the refs were able to see it and call it. yep, everyone knew it was, that is except for the jackass in the announcer's booth. aikman? asshole. asshole? aikman. if he's gonna call a cowboys game against the giants, you gotta counteract him with phil mcconkey. or, better yet, LT. that would scare the shit out of him.

12:46 - jay feely is killing me. that's 12 points he's left on the board in the past two weeks. jesus christ. is it that hard to find a competent kicker nowadays?

12:51 - luke petitgout is killing me. enough with the penalties.

12:56 - our defense is killing their offense. god bless them. just 1:47 to go. run, tiki, run.

1:01 - well, that possession sucked. ball downed at the four. god bless you, jeff feagles. at least he gives us one good foot on our team. yes, i'm talking about you, jay feely.

1:09 - exhale. first place. need new kicker and left tackle. exhale.

how i can hardly imagine

i never saw gale sayers play. i've seen highlights, but those are just highlights. and i've heard about his exploits, from commentators to my dad. i've even read about him. and when the best running backs in football history are discussed, his name always comes up.

all week long up to the big game, i've heard how usc running back reggie bush reminds many of gale sayers.

but after 225 yards rushing in the first half against the 12th ranked team in the country with a rose bowl invite on the line, i can't imagine that gale sayers was this good.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

how believers will believe in anything

somewhere in this world, there's a grilled cheese jesus that's jealously weeping, begging for attention.

run to him.

but make sure you stop off in sacramento first.

Friday, December 02, 2005

how if this were a script, you'd call bullshit on it

tom clancy said that the difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense.

that couldn't be proven any more than by the day-to-day existance of tom cruise.

at this point, he is quickly becoming a parody. of what, i don't know, but it sure as hell ain't of someone from this planet.

take this new item from his crazyhouse: "don't question me about the history of sonograms. only i know the history of sonograms. you don't."

okay, he didn't say that.

but you know he was thinking it.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

how to make me laugh

from one of the funniest shows on television, "inside the nba" (and that's not a joke. charles barkley, kenny smith and ernie johnson are seriously one of the funniest casts on television):

after a terrible lakers-jazz game, charles is missing. he walks back to the set, saying, "sorry i'm late. i was busy throwing up".

when talking about the jazz, charles says "if stockton and malone saw them play tonight, they'd be turning over in their graves".

while giving a review of kobe's night, his seventh 30-shot night this season, most of which were terrible (in comparison, charles only had three in his 16-year career), charles said "the only comparison you make with jordan and kobe is that they're both black".

how jesus must cringe at jesus freaks

i never liked the cristian rock band creed - which means i have no good will towards scott stapp, their incredibly annoying lead singer. from going out of his way to mimicking eddie vedder's voice to his incomprehensibly terrible christian-centric music, the guy just seems to be a walking horror story. and, to be honest, he always seemed to be a hypocrite and overly holier-than-thou.

you know, like most people of his ilk who claim that "personal relationship" crap.

and now he seems to be all the way in the deep end.

i laughed my ass off this summer when i read this account of someone duping him into thinking he would be getting laid at a denny's in gainesville, florida. and i asked myself what would jesus do? well, he probably wouldn't be looking for pootytang there. you would think that the almighty has better taste.

but now superjesus seems to be taking the water into wine thing to an extreme. he's currently in the midst of drunken rampage which has led to fights with beth ostrosky and some chump from the band 311.

yep, somewhere up there, jesus is cringing at yet another embarrassing episode delivered by one of his employees. you would think he would hire better people to spread his word, don't you think? i mean, what i'm trying to get across is that jesus needs a better HR department. these people claim to represent jesus. that's important. you can't go bottom of the barrel on this.