Monday, February 27, 2006

how it has to be a word

you always hear of someone being unflappable, but you never hear of someone being flappable. they might say unstable or unsteady, but never flappable. but it has to be a word, if unflappable is the opposite of it.

that being said, ctu boss lynn mcgill on "24" is flappable.

how i love this show.

Friday, February 24, 2006

how nothing's shocking anymore

the headline of this article is "Microwaved Penis Turns Out to Be Fake".

try not reading it. go ahead.

how i thought he was getting - dare i say - a little stale

i was worried about espn2's the sports guy. i thought his once always hilarious articles were getting a little tamed and hackneyed. in fact, i know they were. i read them religiously. don't get me wrong; they were still among the best writing around.

but i was getting a little worried.

no more.

this article about the first annual atrocious nba general manager summit is the funniest thing i've read this year, and his best work in years. i can't stop laughing - especially as they all try to explain the steve francis deal by isiah thomas.

here it is:

Simmons: So you like what Isiah has done?

Layden: Hell, yeah. Take the Francis trade, if it happens: Logically, it makes no sense because Francis and Marbury are the same player -- expensive, shoot-first point guards with huge entourages and attitude problems who have never won anything. Even if you're getting Francis for nothing, it still makes no sense on paper.

For example, let's say you spent $3,000 on a living room sofa two years ago that you didn't really like. To make the sofa stand out a little less, you bought a leather chair for $2,200 that doesn't match --.

Simmons: Marbury is the sofa and Jamal Crawford is the chair in this case?

Layden: Precisely. And the room still looks bad. So now, you're on Craigslist and you see that someone is selling another $3,000 sofa for $900 that's almost exactly like the sofa you have. And there's no way you would ever want two big, ugly sofas in the same room. It would just look ridiculous. But your mind-set is, "Hey, how can I turn down a $3,000 sofa for $900?" So you buy the sofa and stick it in the room, which is now cluttered with stuff since you also spent another $10,000 on some crummy art, a coffee table with support problems, two giant bookcases that have to be turned sideways, some wobbly end tables and a smashed sculpture that was patched back together with duck tape. But since it's too late to go back, you spend another $5,000 on an interior decorator to make the room work. Well, you know what would happen? He wouldn't be able to make it work. You bought too much crap.

See, this is why Isiah is a genius: He's assembling the basketball version of that nightmare living room, and he has the fans convinced that either the expensive interior decorator -- in this case, Larry Brown -- will be able to make everything work, or he can somehow swap some of that furniture to one of his neighbors for a first-class piece of art. And he's spending an ungodly amount of money! And you never hear rumors that he might get fired! I think it's a tribute to him and his staff. He's the best-ever at being an atrocious GM. He really is.

Thomas: Thank you, Scott, that means a lot.

awesome. read the whole thing.

nba gm mockery. it's fan-tastic.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

how someone needs to be swinging a folding chair

i don't know all the details of the UAE taking over our ports. honestly, i really don't, and although it sounds terrible with all the ties to terrorism, you have to believe that our government isn't that incompetent or greedy to put us in that much risk.

hopefully, that is. our administration hasn't really proven otherwise, but c'mon, that's common sense, ain't it?

ain't it?

anyone else with me?


anyways, what really disturbes me is that the president wasn't made aware of it.

and that got me thinking that this whole thing, our country, is somewhat like professional wrestling.

just follow me on this.

you have the current administration, which is elected into office under very nefarious and questionable means. that establishes their role as heels, the people you love to hate. but we still don't know much about them, awaiting for their characters to build, so we just hang back and see.

but then 9/11 happens, and bush takes control and everyone loves him. ah, he goes from a heel to a babyface. and we follow him as he invades afghanistan and then iraq. we cheer - at least, most of us do. some still harbor anger from his days as a heel and, to their credit, iraq does sound fishy.

we begin to question him again. our loyalty is lessening.

then information eventually comes out about the lies of iraq and the torture in abu gharib and before you know it, he turns. he's a full-fledged heel. he's not even hiding it anymore, he's shoving it in our faces, not even trying to play babyface and we're angry at ourselves. how did we not see this coming? his act after 9/11 was a swerve. we were duped into following him. he's no good. his cronies are no good.

and for the next couple of years, their reign of terror continues, much like any effective heel stable. i can go over all the dastardly and incompetent things they've done like katrina and all that, but you know them. you live here. you know. they're now operating on the level of rowdy roddy piper, throwing coconuts in the face of all their opponents and then laughing at them. or the four horsemen, breaking the legs of anyone in their way. all with the arrogance of vince mcmahon.

but then, things slightly unravel. the second in command shoots someone in the face and tries to cover it up - so much so that he doesn't tell the president. and then, the adminstration doesn't tell the president about the whole UAE guarding our ports. that always happened with hulk hogan. he would befriend someone (like paul orndorff), and they would begin subordinating and then, eventually, they would turn on hulk.

so, if the script holds, the president has to break, right? this can't happen, right? ain't this insubordination at the highest levels?

if this were wrestling, we'd be expecting cheney to hit bush with a chair. or for bush to come to his senses and suddenly attack his adminstration, beating them one by one until he's the only man left standing in the ring - and we embrace the president again as a babyface. he sees the light. we cheer.

but those are pipe dreams, aren't they? i mean, asking our government to behave like professional wrestling seems like a task way too big for them.

and that, my friends, is such a sad state of affairs.

'cause, if you ask me, someone really deserves a folding chair to the back of the head.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

how it's about time for the best movie ever to be made

how this film about this special night had gone almost 20 years without being made is beyond my imagination. but now it has, and they better not screw it up.

by the way, i was downstairs in my living room for most of it and, for the ninth, i sat on my parent's bed with my hands over my eyes but i was peeking through.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

how the cold war really set them back

according to vanilla ice, he just played a show in russia in front of 35,000 people.

what year is russia in?

i really would like to know, because you can't be down with 2006 when you rock the mic like a vandal.

how i hope this series will never die

you can bid on e-bay for the dust cover for tobias funke's book "the man inside me" from "arrested development".

seriously, how much would you bid for buster's fake hand? or tobais' gopher outfit when he attacked tiny town?

Monday, February 20, 2006

how i weep for my lost muse

everyone assumes that with me being a huge sports nut that my dream account would be nike. and trust me, working on nike would be a dream. but it's not my biggest dream.

it's always been volkswagon.

i loved the humanity in those spots. it was never about the car; it's about the drivers. that's so damn true. without people, cars are just tin cans on wheels. think about how you are with your car. your car says so much about you. that's why there's such a big connection with people and their cars. there's such a strong truth in that.

that spot with the four college kids in a cabriolet driving to a party with the top down and the night sky above them as nick drake sings "pink moon" and then deciding to keep on driving? about as heartwarming as a commercial can get.

and that spot where the guy rushes to the wedding, and you realize that he's not the groom but rather he's there to break the whole thing up? about as dramatic as a commercial can get.

but now vw changed agencies and, essentially, changed their brand.

they're now all about getting in touch to your "fast" - which sounds like a thing that other car companies would say.

did i mention that "fast" is some sort of thing in a car? hey, i know it's metaphorical, but it comes across as forced and creepy.

this from a client who never forced a thing.

hey, crispin porter bogusky obviously knows what they're doing, and they're usually way ahead of the curve, but i'm not sure about this. if there were one brand that held a bastion of integrity and humanity above others, it was volkswagon, but now it seems like all the others.

here's to hoping there's a bright light at the end of this campaign.

we'll see.

how to return to your childhood

here's another in a long series of different ways for you to waste time at work:

practice playing "connect four".

it's actually mind numbing. i just spent thirty minutes playing it.

once you get a confident, set it to "difficult".

you can thank me later.

how i'm just giving it all away


as some of you may know, i'm moving from a 3 BR in the inner sunset to a 1BR in the inner richmond. why is this important? because in the past four years, i have had four different roommates. and when they all moved out, they all left random shit.

i know this because i just had to clean it up.

anyways, everything they left is superfluous, and i want none of it and i don't have the time to sell any of it. so, if you're in san francisco and if you want anything from the following list, call me and pick it up. it's yours for free. and if you want to in turn around and sell it, go ahead. i couldn't care less.

here's the list. the first one to pick it up takes it.

2 egg crates
2 file stands
1 toaster
1 mr. coffee
2 ironing boards
1 a bevelled mirror (in original packaging)
2 computer cases
1 suitcase
1 keyboard for imac
1 concert poster for the doors at the isle of wight
1 concert poster for springsteen at the nassau coliseum
1 vcr
1 some sort of weightlifting bar (still in original packaging)

you could probably get $10 for the vcr on ebay.

if you don't pick it up, it goes in the garbage. i don't want to be bothered with any of it past my move - and i have no space for me, if i could do an actual yard sale and make $30, i would, but i don't have the time, effort or patience.

i feel like fred sanford but with a slightly better gait.

let me know.

how you should read this before you judge me on the following

i beseech each and every one of you to please understand that i found both of the following carrot top images from different websites that seemingly have nothing to do with him. it's not like i did a google search on him. i'm sure if i did, i would have been taken down by someone from the federal government - probably from the trigger finger of the vice president himself - and it would have been completely justified in the eyes of the entire nation.

but, after i realized that i had just posted both of them just hours apart, i noticed that in each photo he's wearing the same shirt and, in what sends shivers up and down my spine, lip gloss and eyeliner. so they probably were taken on the same day. where? i don't know. why? who can tell.

what's the point? none, other than seeing carrot top makes me feel better about myself.


how you can't really tell the difference

which one is wax?

it's really too close to call.

how god wasn't able to bring us warmer weather but the fact that this photo exists proves his existance

how i can be conflicted at times

saw a man on the n-judah train this morning wearing a new york mets baseball cap and a san francisco 49ers winter jacket.

i didn't know whether to hug him or slap him.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

how this achievement should be celebrated by almost everyone

you would think that the first african american to qualify for the US olympic short track speedskating team would be a big story before the olympics. you know, a purely tangible and compelling storyline for us to follow and to care about.

and you would think that when he won the gold, making him the first black athlete to win a gold medal in the winter olympics for the united states, well, isn't that a story up there with jesse owens?

think about it: he's the first black athlete to win a gold medal at the winter olympics for the US.

that's a huge story.

by the way, do you know his name?

me neither. i had to look it up.

shani davis.

the thing that i love most about this story, however, is that bryant gumbel can't justify shani davis' achievement. no matter how much of a great achievement it is, gumbel has already belittled it with his idiotic statements. because, in bryant gumbel's world, shani davis defeated lesser athletes.

but that's the hole that bryant gumbel dug for himself. but that's his problem.

for the rest of us, let's honor shani davis. let's pull that blowhard bode miller's commercials off the air. and, while we're at it, let's take that showboat lindsey jacobellis' visa spot away too.

and let's learn more about a story worth hearing about.

how shopping for a couch sucks

so, along with a new apartment, i figured it'd be great if i also bought a new couch. that's a pretty big thing. the couch is the focal point of a room. i mean, usually it's the biggest thing, and it's where your eyes immediately goes to. your couch is your first impression, so you better get it right.

big pressure. and i'm not spending more than $800 for it.

i've been doing some research, and i realized that modernism is in. and what modernism means is squares and rectangles. everything is angular. and, to be honest, everything kinda looks the same. i don't know why one couch costs $1500 and the other costs $1800, but that's really what i was looking at.

here's a quick aside: i was researching couches and where to go to buy one. it's not like there's a furniture district. so i found a place in the marina where their corporate motto was "affordable luxury" - which in the marina meant that the couches cost between $3500 and $5000 - and i don't know what the difference was other than the name on the tag. but that's what the marina is all about. that's why i don't live there.

anyways, i went all around, from soma to van ness to geary to union square to the castro and eventually to hayes valley, which is an up-and-coming hip part of town with a bunch of boutiques. and that's where i saw a sign that completely blew me away on so many levels: on a nice couch were three pillows beside a sign that said, and i'm paraphrasing, "buy the debut of these pillows - never before seen - $125 each".

i need to break this down.

1. pillows costing $125 aren't pillows. i don't know what you would call them, but they ain't pillows. not for $125.
2. how do you chronicle the world debut of a pillow? is there a ceremony? is there a centerfold in "pillow monthly"?
3. is the idea that these pillows are debuting supposed to impress someone? who, exactly? and why would it? would you brag about it? when would that luster wear off?

that's the world i've been dealing with in the past two days. couple that with my opinion that modernism is really plain and characterless, well, it became clear that whole movement really wasn't for me - and i'm sure as hell not gonna overpay for it.

anyways, i think i found a couch. it's hand crafted from egypt and it looks a little antiquey. it's definitely gots some personality - and i found it on valencia in the mission, which has definitely loads of character to spare. and for $699, it ain't gonna kill me.

but we'll see. let me sleep on it for something i plan on sleeping on.

how this shooting from the lip was actually very good

i'll usually read mike lupica's sunday column in the new york daily news and be struck at how similar all his articles sound each week. he has one voice, and that's it. oh, he's smart, but i even read one of his books, and it's that same voice. it almost feels like he has the verbs already set up, and all he has to do is mad libs the nouns.

still, i enjoy him.

but this week's article, where he compares james dolan to george w. bush, is really outstanding and worth a read.

just sayin'.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

how this whole city is in a foxhole

well, i can honestly say that i cannot and will not take another day in this city with this chilling forty degree weather.

no, i will not.

but since i do not have an "in" with mother nature and since i can't run fast enough to stop the pressure systems from coming in, i've decided to invoke a little-used notion in my life, but completely overused and overdone in today's world.

yes, i'm talkin' 'bout god.

you see, most people in this country pray to god every day, asking him to do things for them instead of actually doing it themselves. but those same people are also annoying whiners, so you gotta believe that the big guy upstairs is tired of hearing their crap. but since i don't normally talk to god, much less even acknowledge his presence, i'm thinking that this upcoming plea would be a sound for sore ears.

after all, we're in a forty degree foxhole. maybe even thirty-nine degree foxhole.

oh lord, help us.

okay, here goes it. twelve years of catholic school, don't fail me now.

---(deep breath)---

dear god, lord of all.

we don't know what the fine people of northern california have done to incur your wrath. we do not understand why you have smite us so much with this weather. perhaps we have angered you so. if that is the case, we beseech you to take whatever you want from us in order to give us our paradise back (which is somewhere around 60 degrees everyday).

what do you want, o glorious one? is it the gays? well, they're funny, but if that's what you want to give us our weather back, then i'm sure they would understand with flair. is it our governor? take him too. nobody would bitch about that. did i say bitch in a prayer? my bad, oh magnificent diety, my bad. how about the hippies? hey, if you want to stink up your joint, go ahead. in fact, you don't have to give us the weather back. just take them.

o lord above, master of all that is good, we ask of you to bring back the san francisco weather that allows us to leave our winter jackets hidden in our closets. o lord above, king of kings, we ask you to allow us to be san franciscans again, to leave our houses wearing two layers or less and without scarves and gloves. o lord above, dominion of the earth and heavens, we ask you to give us what makes the rest of the country jealous of us, which allows us to thumb our noses at them.

we ask this in good faith.

have a nice day.

and, while you're at it, can you do something about britney spears? she's annoying the shit out of us.


Friday, February 17, 2006

how you can emote without being understood

i just watched "hustle and flow" with best actor nominee terrence howard as a memphis pimp in a mid-life crisis who decides to chase his dream to become a rapper. okay, it's a much deeper story than that, and most of that is because of the complexity of the character provided by howard, who is just fantastic. in fact, i thought he was just as amazing in "crash" playing a completely different character (a well-to-do executive), but that was a supporting role. he completely carried this film. he's absolutely deserving of the nomination, the first of what will be many.

the thing is that i really didn't understand half of what he said. he spoke with such a deep memphis accent and so quickly that i got the jist of it after awhile but, honestly, the first fifteen minutes were lost on me. but i was able to understand completely. he was that good.

i'm sure i'm not alone in admitting that.

the funny thing is that heath ledger was just as completely incomprehensible in "brokeback mountain", and his performance was just as strong. you felt the restraint and conflict in ledger just as you felt the determination and sometimes disarray in howard. their characters spoke that way because it was true to them. sometimes, the audience has to do a little work too.

so two of the five best acting nominees i really couldn't understand but completely were amazed by.

that, my friends, is acting.

how it's hard to find a good role model even when there's one in our midst

the american athletes are leaving very little to like in the olympics so far - and i'm not talking about their disappointing performances during their events.

first, you've got the overly hyped bode miller, who screwed the pooch during his first two events. but that's okay. nobody's perfect. but when you try to come across as being "too cool" and saying that you just don't really care about medals and such, well, it starts sounding more of a buil-in excuse than anything else.

and then you've got johnny weir, who also screwed the pooch during his figure skating routine. but again, that's okay. but what's not okay is blaming it on a bus that didn't arrive on time and not being able to find his "aura". grow up. you had a bad day. that makes you human.

and then you've got lindsay jacobellis, who instead of playing it safe and winning the gold, decided to showboat and wound up losing. well, that's what you get when you showboat. but then trying to cover it up afterwards and saying that she did it for "balance", well, look, i've never been on a snowboard, but people who have been are calling her out for that comment. she showboated. she made a mistake. own up to it.


but then we have linday kildow, who survived a terrifying crash and a hospital stay to come in eighth in an event she was favored to win. she battled through excruciating pain and with very little motion. did i mention the inflammatories and painkillers?

now, you don't have to win to have a fantastic story. that's a nice brave role model.

here's the crappy part. i had to google her name.

come on, americans. we're pulling for you. show a little class. that's all we ask.

how someone as smart as that should know better

bryant gumbel is in the center of a controversy that he brought up himself. here's a quote from his fantastic HBO show, "real sports" (transcribed by some dude named seth frelich):

"Finally, tonight, the Winter Games. Count me among those who don’t like them and won’t watch them ... Because they’re so trying, maybe over the next three weeks we should all try too. Like, try not to be incredulous when someone attempts to link these games to those of the ancient Greeks who never heard of skating or skiing. So try not to laugh when someone says these are the world’s greatest athletes, despite a paucity of blacks that makes the Winter Games look like a GOP convention. Try not to point out that something’s not really a sport if a pseudo-athlete waits in what’s called a kiss-and-cry area, while some panel of subjective judges decides who won ... So if only to hasten the arrival of the day they’re done, when we can move on to March Madness — for God’s sake, let the games begin."

the thing that's been getting everyone is this line: "So try not to laugh when someone says these are the world’s greatest athletes, despite a paucity of blacks that makes the Winter Games look like a GOP convention."

there's a lot wrong about that statement (although the GOP convention is dead-on).

first off, i agree with most of what he said besides that. i have serious issues over whether figure skating is indeed a sport. but they're fantastic athletes. in fact, everybody participating in the olympics are world class athletes. just qualifying for the olympics ensures that. it's not their fault, or the olympics fault, that there aren't many blacks that are snowboarders or figure skaters or skeletoners. it's a numbers game, and when the competitors are 90% white or whatever it is, the odds say that the athletes are going to be as white as the snow around them.

but he said black, so he's assuming that a black skiier would be better than a white skiier, that a black luger would be better than a white luger, that a black figure skater would be better than a white one. and there just aren't right now, for whatever reason. and that's nobody's fault.

pointing that out is a racist remark because there's no basis for it. we don't know. we just don't know. there's only been two really great black hockey players (grant fuhr and jarome iginla), and they are fantastic athletes.

is he saying that hockey players aren't great athletes because there aren't many blacks playing in that sport? he can't be serious about that.

but i don't think that's what he's getting at. i think what he's trying to say is that a true athlete is someone who performs while trying to stop the performance of others - and it just so happens that those athletes are black.

he's saying, i believe, that the best athletes in the world are football players, soccer players, basketballers and boxers. and you would have to think hockey players, but that's not the point here.

and, if you're gonna get into a subculture within those i mentioned, the best athletes are wide receivers, cornerbacks, linebackers, running backs, attackers, defenders, point guards, shooting guards, small forwards and boxers like middleweights, welterweights, cruiserweights and lightweights (among others - and of course there are exceptions to this).

and, if you look at the list, most of those athletes would be black.

but by saying black, he's not including john lynch, dan morgan, brian urlacher, david beckham, jason kidd (who's half black), ricky hatton, steve nash, oscar de la hoya and so many countless other fantastic non-black athletes who also fit within that category.

if he didn't say black, he would have been fine, and a point would have been made.

but he said black.

which is shocking, considering that gumbel's a renown golf fanatic. which means you can bet that he's probably gonna be watching the nissan open this weekend, whether tiger woods is in it or not.

how there's brilliance, and then there's friggin' brilliance

here's a stage adaptation of "point break" that's being performed in brooklyn.

the fantastic part is that the role of johnny utah (keanu reeves) is being played by random people from the audience reading off cue cards.

that is the best idea i have ever heard. seriously.


how even god has a blog

but, like with all deitys - even a baseball one, it'll cost you.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

how they'll never learn

vice president dick cheney accidentally shoots a fellow hunter.

okay, that's the story. it's an accident.

now, if the vp faced the music at the start and was forthcoming over what seems to be an accident, then it would have been over now. it's an accident. nothing more.

but the first reaction, not only in government but in corporate america and our society as a whole, is to cover it up - as if the truth won't be found out. or, in another tactic, they'll give out false leads or not commenting at all. or, in what is becoming even more popular, they'll give out what stephen colbert calls "truthiness", which is portraying whatever version of the truth you want people to believe and making it sound like the absolute truth.

but, no matter what the tactic, the vp decided that, instead of being forthcoming and being honest about what is an accident, his best recourse would be to divvy out as little information as he can to whomever he cherrypicks.

and when that happens, imaginations run wild and conspiracy theorys sprout up. so, since there's so little information out there, people question why because there has to be a reason why.

and that makes the original story a lot more interesting, even if it isn't.

and i hope it isn't.

so what's my point here? a little honesty and being forthcoming and upfront would have ended it, and he wouldn't look as bad as he does right now.

but nobody nowadays ever seems to realize this. everybody's all about the spin. but when you keep on spinning, you dig a hole for youself.

why is it that i'm the only one who understands this?

by the way, here's a damn funny cartoon from the san francisco chronicle about this whole mess.

how i've changed the name of my blog

i was thinking about how "the steveohville tribune" just didn't fit with what this blog was about. "tribune" gives the appearance of a newspaper, of facts being unearthed and researched and put forth, as a beacon of respectability and responsibility.

that's not really what this blog is. you see, i'm a clown.

i take the news - big or obscure - and then riff on it or, when i feel like it, i just gab about myself. it's kind of like me sitting in a bar with a couple of friends, drinking sierra nevadas and just having a four hour conversation about many different things, but really trying to make each other laugh.

that's exactly what this blog is. but i can't serve any beer here. technology hasn't advanced that far.

so, until that glorious day arrives, welcome to the steveohville speakeasy. grab a seat. your wiseass will be with you in a moment.

how there's a very fine line

i saw an infomercial for memoprove, which is a pill you take to improve your memory. they had a bunch of testimonials talking about all their memory problems - you know, the usual, like i forgot a number as soon as i heard it, i coudn't remember what i just said, etc.

then they had a lady who said, "more than once, i typed a fax number into my microwave."


"more than once, i typed a fax number into my microwave."

sorry, lady, that's not a memory problem, unless you consider the "more than once" part of it. but that's the most incriminating part of it.

more than once, i mistook a microwave for a fax machine.

yeah, go take a pill for that.

how it's hard to take it seriously

american men's figure skater johnny weir was on the "today" show this morning (i was up. don't ask me why).

katie couric asked him who his idol was. now, considering he is a figure skater, you would think he would say scott hamilton or brian boitano or dick buttons.


he said christina aguilera.

and there you have it.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

how it never fails to be funny

a guy on "cops" got arrested while wearing a kobe bryant jersey. seriously, it's stuff like that which spins my world.

here's a transcript of how it went down:

kobe: "yo, don't impound my ve-hickle. i worked hard for it."

cop: "well, the guy whose tires you stole worked hard for them too. you take his tires, we take your car. what do you think about that?"

kobe: "oh snap".

you couldn't write stuff like that. god bless you, pierce country (wa) police department and criminals.

how to sneak a peek inside my viewing habits

as if anyone cares or if anyone's actually heard of these great films, here's what's on my queue in my netflix account:

in the mail:
Hustle and Flow
The Constant Gardener

in queue:
North Country
Lord of War
A History of Violence
The Machinist
The Station Agent
The Woodsman
Marathon Man
Kung Fu Hustle
The Corporation
Lipstick & Dynamite
Grizzly Man
The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill
Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room
Born Into Brothels

go ahead, call me a film snob for not having any vin diesel on my list. but that's not how i roll.

yeah, i'm down with documentaries about wheelchair athletes and midgets in train stations and strange karate flicks.

that's how i roll.

how february just got much more exciting

pitchers and catchers report to port st. lucie on thursday.

that's tomorrow if you're reading this on wednesday.

and that makes for one anxious writer you're reading right now.

so pedro, tommy and billy - see you on thursday, where you'll be greeted by david wright, who is ALREADY at camp.

i believe the proper term to be chanted is "let's go mets".


how i'm gonna make a stand about this

okay, it's easy to make dick cheney jokes right now. i did. scroll down.

but the sickening thing about this - AGAIN - is how democrats see this as another indictment of a corrupt administration, and republicans see this as nothing more than a personal issue.

and, AGAIN, they're both full of shit. as usual.

you see, democrats see this as another indictment of a corrupt administration - and that's only because dick cheney is not a democrat. and republicans see this as nothing more than a personal issue - and that's only because dick cheney is a republican.

if this were bill clinton, the sides would have been reversed.

in fact, they were.

when clinton shot all over monica lewinsky's dress, republicans saw it as another indictment of a corrupt administration, and democrats saw it as nothing more of a personal issue.

clinton was impeached for what i believed was a personal issue (and if you think it's about perjury, then you're completely blind about it). let's see what happens to cheney for what i think is basically the same thing - something happens, there's a cover-up, the politician is allowed liberties not given to a common citizen, more lies are put out, there's a ton of spin, some fumbling because that never works and, overall, the whole thing is overblown for more than what it's worth. and then people make snap judgements based on political affiliations.

a logical person would say that cheney's accident was just a personal issue, just like clinton.

at least i hope it is for cheney. but the more i hear about this, the more i'm getting leery.

but what is clear, as usual, is that both parties are full of shit.


and so are the media. they've at least been ballsier about this, standing up to the administration by people on both sides of the coin, but it's more about how the government has handled divvying out the information instead of the information. but that's just the media making the story about them. i'm not saying it ain't a story; it's just not the big one. the government covers-up and lies. shocker.

idiots all around.

how it's not a sport, no matter how you twirl it

figure skating has always been a rigged exhibition performed by talented athletes - but it is a performance based upon opinion, much like the academy awards.

alas, it's beautiful to watch.

but, to make it more of a sporting event, new rules were developed to help legitimize it - and already, they don't work.

last night (or morning - i forget how it works), chinese figure skating couple zhang dan and zhang hao punctuated their routine by trying something unprecedented called the quadruple salchow throw (yes, i copy-and-pasted it).

zhang dan wasn't able to land. in fact, she splattered, horribly injuring her knee.

five minutes later, they continued their routine and won the silver medal.

okay, what?

first off, they were credited for trying the move. it didn't matter that they weren't able to do it; they got credit for trying. does that sound wrong to anyone else? i mean, if i were to try to throw a fastball past a-rod and he hits it out of the park, i don't get credit for an out, do i? i mean, if you're gonna get credit for the quadruple salchow throw, you better land it. if i twirl in the air while walking to the deli, do i get credit for it too?

that doesn't make sense. you shouldn't get credit for failing.

and then they're able to finish their routine five minutes later? i mean, that's valiant and brave, but does anyone else think that's wrong too? i mean, if you try the quadruple salchow throw and you fail and hurt yourself, well, thank you for trying. that's the risk in trying it.

jim caple from espn wrote that if michelle kwan knew those were the rules, she should re-enter the competition and do her routine one jump at a time. it's in the rules. might as well take advantage of it.

and he's right about that.

so yeah, that's my rant on this subject. i'll watch it, i guess, 'cause it is beautiful and graceful and sasha cohen is kinda smoking.

but not the guys. i ain't watching the guys.

how i'm sure NBC will cringe when they read this

when do the olympics start?

oh, they did? which events?

so, let me rephrase the question. when does olympic hockey start?

okay, that's all i needed to know. thanks.

Monday, February 13, 2006

how i'm sure enough about this to make a solid prediction

one thing that i've noticed about college basketball: there's a ton of parity. with the reduction of scholarships coupled with the increase of good ballplayers and the exodus of star underclassmen to the nba, it's easier for a mid-major team to keep up with the big boys. and most of the big upsets during march madness happen when a senior-laden lower seed takes down a favorite led by a big scorer or scorers.

what makes that happen is that usually the mid-major does something very well, and on that night, they do it great. and the favorite does not.

it's only one game. anything can happen.

that being said, i find it hard to believe that either uconn or villanova will be upset this year.

you see, uconn is huge. and no matter how good a mid-major might be, they're gonna have trouble keeping athletic big men off the boards. and even if one of the bigs gets in foul trouble, they've got subs coming in that are just as good. there's very little drop off. it's gonna be a big problem to deal with; mid-majors aren't blessed with size.

and because mid-majors aren't blessed with size, they're gonna have a ton of trouble against villanova. no matter who they put out there, they're gonna be nowhere near as good as allen ray, randy foye, kyle lowry or mike nardi. in fact, they'll be outquicked and outshot and outdefended. that scrappiness that mid-majors rely upon will be negated. those guys are too good, and even if one or two have an off-day, the other will pick it up.

and that's it. i can see j.j. redick having an off-day and duke losing. i can see the freshman on memphis getting caught up in the moment. i can see adam morrison having an off-day and nobody else on gonzaga picking him up.

but uconn and 'nova? no way.

how i hope this is not a sign for things to come

tonight, i busted my fourth lightbulb in threee days.

by that, i mean that i turn on a lightswitch, and the bulb flickers once and then it doesn't work.

it's a completely random thing that has happened four times in three days.

i don't know what this means.

hopefully it's good, like when a bird shits on your shoulder. at least that's what i tell myself whenever that happens, which isn't often. but if it is a good thing, then maybe i should try to make that happen by wearing a david byrne blazer with shoulderpads.

okay, i'll stop typing now.

how there's a silver lining in every day

i'm trying to figure out which event was worse for tommy lee recently:

1. getting beat up by eminem's posse after he made fun of their detroit homeboy kid rock or
2. finding out later on that the woman he was flirting with all night is a transsexual.

the fact that both things happened in the same night means that he couldn't even feel good about having a giant shlong.

i mean, he could, but he probably didn't.

on second thought, he probably did.


how you can't blame him

a lot has been made about white sox manager ozzie guillen's decision to miss his team's invitation at the white house.

but can you really blame the guy? he kinda looks like a quail.

someone would have to restrain the vice president.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

how i'm sure there's a meaning

there's nothing on except for bonnie raitt in concert on vh1. i dig her. she's a good writer and singer - although she's way too political in her ramblings for my sake.

but that's not for here or there.

anyways, between songs, she said that "religion is for people who want to avoid hell, and spirituality is for people who've been there."

i don't know what that means, but i like it.

how it must be a rule

i just happened to click onto the pro bowl from honolulu, hawaii, and this thought came into my mind:

is there a rule in hawaii that forces everyone to wear hawaiian shirts - especially if you're gonna be on television?

seriously, have you ever watched anyone wear anything else during a telecast from the islands?

and what do hawaiians think of this?

if anyone out there reading this is from the rainbow state, please shed some light on this revelation.

i'm hoping it's not true.

how there are exceptions

it's never funny when someone gets shot.

okay, it's somewhat ironically funny when the someone who gets shot is a hunter.

okay, it's quite funny when the someone who gets shot is a hunter, and the bullets come from the gun of vice president dick cheney.

okay, it's hilariously funny when the someone who gets shot is a hunter, and the bullets come from the gun of vice president dick cheney, and it takes THAT for him finally admit a mistake and apologize.

oh wait, that's sad.

how you should allow me to indulge myself just this once

here's some photos of my new apartment that i just signed a lease for a scant two hours ago. i used my cellphone camera, so pardon the haziness - unless it's from the tears in your eyes. that i can do nothing about.

okay, here they are.

this is the view from california st:

and from 6th avenue:

enter the hallway. exciting, ain't it:

witness the fireplace in the living room:

and the hutch which will hold my turntable and receiver:

my bedroom, otherwise known as "the lair":

and, most importantly, here's a photo of the KFC on geary. that's a huge bucket of chicken on top of the building with a bunch of birds shitting in it.

how we are who we think we are

here's a quote from tara reid:

"I work really hard. I don't just party. I work with charities and I'm a huge family girl. I'm with my family every Sunday. I just bought my parents a house on the beach, three houses from mine. I'm sensitive and I care what people write about me. I don't like that they make me look like an idiot. I'm not an idiot. I'm smart. I'm a lot smarter than people realize. I just want to act again. I'm more than they're letting me be. I need a chance. If I get that chance, people will see."

self-justification is the new breathing.

Friday, February 10, 2006

how i have a voice and i will be heard

as many of you know, i've been looking for a new apartment. in fact, i'm outta my place on march 1, so i've been intesifying my efforts in the past week - during which i found a great apartment on arguello and clement, a one bedroom with a family room and large living room. it's a really cool set-up and, for $1350, it's a steal (okay, in san francisco it's a deal).

i dug it.

so i called the rental agent - they're called, and i'm bolding them for effect, the american realty & construction inc. - and told him that i want to come by and sign up for an application. he said no problem, to come on by and i'll fill it out and they'll run a credit report and it shouldn't be a problem.

i've done this before. it's no big deal.

anyways, i showed up, and they put me in a conference room. the guy i was dealing with, jimmy lau, also bolded for effect, wasn't around but he left me the paperwork. his sweet assistant handed me to them with a pen. she told me that jimmy left these for me to sign.

usually, most people would just go ahead and fill it out.

but, you see, i'm a writer. and i know that life is all about the details.

so the first thing that struck me was that the application had a carbon copy. why would i need a copy? it's usually just a photocopied form you fill out.

the next thing i realized was that the paper had the words "prorated" on it. this has nothing to do with rent.

and the last thing i noticed was the words "OFFER TO LEASE".

yep, it was a lease i was signing.

even more clearly: they were trying to get me to sign a lease with me thinking it was an appilcation. they were, in short, trying to pull a fast one.

i instantly bolted up and found the assistant and told her that i was uncomfortable with signing this, and that i only came by to apply. you see, that's what you do: you apply, you are approved after a credit report and then you sign the lease. i had never been to this office before. i hadn't been approved for anything. why was i signing a lease?

i could tell that she really didn't know. she guessed that maybe jimmy used this for an application form - even though he filled out the terms of the lease, the rent, the move-in date and everything else. he even signed the damned thing.

i told her that if this is a respectable real estate agency, and it seems that way, considering that they're located in a business building and they've got nice offices, that i'm sure they have an appilcation form in a pile somewhere that i would use and not a lease.

she had no answer. i knew that she knew that i was onto them.

that asshole tried to get me to sign a lease.

so, again, the sneaky jackasses are called the american realty & construction inc., and the head snake is jimmy lau.

anyways, since each should become aware, i posted a version of this rant on craigslist, just because everyone should know what they're getting into.

how about me for social awareness!

how to suck and then totally redeem myself

whenever i played basketball or play softball, i can usually figure out what i'm doing wrong and correct it on the fly. athletics is nothing more than mechanics and muscle memory. someone who plies their trade will know themselves well enough.

some days, nothing's gonna work, no matter what you do.

at least, for me.

tonight, i sucked at bowling. i'm talking really sucked. the difference, however, is that i don't know what i'm doing with bowling. i don't have proper mechanics, and i don't even pretend to. so it's difficult for me to make changes on the fly because i'm not really sure if i'm changing for the better.

but i did.

you see, as each frame went by, i picked something up by watching other bowlers. and by the end, i kinda figured it out.

okay, i'm posting my discoveries, not really as much for you but for me, so i don't forget them next week. that's why they're in bold.

1. at the beginning, stay bent and compact. get low to the ground. and stay on the opposite side than i normally would (i'm a lefthanded bowler, so begin on the left side).

2. during the approach, think about attacking the pins, but do it deliberately.

3. keep my arm in during the toss.

4. bend so low that i drag my knee on the ground.

5. follow through to the pin.

i'm thinking these work. for me, being compact and simple always brings me back to basics.

and if staying basic results in something like the four straight spares that i ended on, then i'll take it.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

how there's nothing like california in february

i spent the whole day outside in the 70 degree sun, laying flat on my back in golden gate park, shirtless below the cloudless sky.

dogs barked. teenagers laughed. baseball players warmed up. sprinklers pumped.

the sun was just hot enough to make its presence known. when i wasn't absorbing its rays, i read my book.

it was that kind of day.

later, when i had enough of perfection, i decided to walk to the greek restaurant for some hummus. in front of me, waiting for the red light to turn green, was an elderly couple - i'm guessing they were in their eighties. neither was five foot tall. he had hearing aids beside both ears, and her posture wasn't the best. they spoke in the most gentlest terms to each other, the most tender small talk you'll ever hear.

he was as italian as any of my relatives. and she was as chinese as anyone on the street.

and as the light turned green, together they walked, stepping in unison, holding hands, fingers intertwined, forever in love.

like i said, it was that kind of day.

how i'm destroying every one of my yearbook photos

this is the best use of a yearbook photo ever.


i'm still laughing. make sure you have your volume on too. it adds to the flava.

how there are joy in tears

many of you ask me how my friend christine is doing as she battles leukemia. and i'm always forthright with any information i have - and since there hasn't been any news, that means great news.

anyways, tommy sent me an update that i'd like to share with you.

i dare you not to cry.

It felt like the days would never come where I would be at my desk writing about my wife’s successful fight against an invisible enemy. In the time since I have written my last update a great deal has transpired. Doctor appointments have come and gone. Medical tests have come and gone. Christine’s 2 year birthday has come and gone. Although we sit back and smile as a family at how wonderful life is compared to the days in the hospital, the scars, both mental and physical, are a constant reminder of our struggles over the last 4 years. Despite this however, life is a wonderful thing.

My wife’s last bone marrow biopsy was a remarkable achievement and another milestone in her path toward the 5 year mark where she is officially declared cured of leukemia. We held our breath for a full month after the last bone marrow biopsy, praying and pleading with God and all his Angels that the tests would come back negative. They did. With the good news came the remarkable discovery that Christine’s bone marrow biopsies would now be yearly instead of every 6 months. To think just a year ago they were a monthly event. Her doctor appointments are even spread out to every 6 months. These are things to be happy for.

November 13th 2005 was Christine’s 2nd birthday and she received a number of messages and notes from many of you wishing her a happy birthday. Thanks for those. She holds them dear and is extremely touched by everyone who remembered and/or keeps her in their prayers. We didn’t throw a big party this year, but enjoyed a more intimate celebration. The three of us, Kailey, Christine and I went to dinner at a nice little restaurant and then went back to our home to enjoy the rest of our immediate family and a few close friends. We took the time to count our blessings each and every moment of the day. It was a very special time.

I’ve looked forward to writing the next update but we found ourselves amidst the struggles of balancing life between work, play and family time. We try so hard not to get caught up in the little things that sometimes get in the way of what’s really important. But we’re human, so we make some mistakes and correct them along the way. We learn from those mistakes and use our experiences to try and keep us on the right path. It’s amazing how well it works when you have a team behind you as a constant reminder of love, faith, and support. Family and friends are such a wonderful thing.

We had a very successful year in 2005 raising support for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. When all is tallied by the end of February we should be at our $21,000 goal for the year. Thanks to all of you who have helped to make that a success and we look forward to an even better 2006 as we look to put an even bigger dent in blood related cancers!

If anyone really knows Christine, you are aware of her love of the baseball and in particular the NY Mets. Through the Leukemia Society, Christine, Kailey and I were invited to a NY Mets outing in Manhattan and got to meet the players. We took pictures, got autographs and played video and interactive games with the likes of Cliff Floyd, David Wright, and Chris Woodward. We even met Willie Randolph and Omar Minaya. I was very excited during the evening but you had to see the look on Christine’s face! Thank goodness we have pictures. You’d never believe we were hanging out with Mr. Met! It was an experience of a lifetime and in Christine’s words it was one of the most amazing experiences of her life. It was great to hear because she most definitely deserves it. It’s wonderful to see good things happening for her.

It’s difficult to forget we’re coming up on the 4 year anniversary of the first days of what has been a long and difficult journey. I continue to be proud of what my wife has accomplished. I would have her run for President of the United States if the work hours weren’t so long. I figure with what she’s accomplished so far in her life, some major political goals would be a piece of cake. Remembering back to that fateful day in the hospital reminds me of just how lucky we are. How lucky to have Christine with us here today. How lucky we were to have gone to the hospital and how lucky we are to have had the right medical staff, support, and our hero in Tampa (and his family). We’re still taking it one day at a time and remain forever thankful to so many for so much.

Christine has taught me a valuable lesson about escaping that which we do not want to endure. In every sense of the concept, our first desires are to escape by running away; avoidance. In so many ways this often delays the inevitable, or makes matters worse. If Christine were to have run she may not be lying in the next room at this very moment. That’s a powerful thought, and so very real. I’ve learned that in certain situations, to escape something; to truly do away with something you no longer want to endure you must take it head on. In Christine’s case her story tells of how she took on Leukemia and then a relapse; dealt with rounds of chemotherapy and radiation and all their miserable, horrible affects; to take her disease head on. She took it head on to do away with it for good. She continues to take on the stresses that come with her journey. She fights daily as she inspects her body for inexplicable bruises. She fights daily as she realizes the affects of radiation on the body and the changes she’s endured to find a cure. All these little things point back to the fact Christine was diagnosed with Leukemia 4 years ago and are a reminder that she will continue her fight each and every day. She wonders whether she will ever wake up and not ask herself if it’s back. As I continue to stand by her side with our family and friends and assist her in her battles, I will continue to use her example in my everyday life. It has made me stronger and will continue to be a driving force in the successes of our family. It’s great to have such an inspiration under the same roof and so close to my heart. Knowing Kailey has such an incredible role model makes me proud as a father and a husband. I’m one lucky guy.

All my love,

love ya too, buddy.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

how to kill a crowd and then bring them back to life and then keep them from leaving

i went to the jeff tweedy solo show last night at the fillmore.

first off, the opening act was a guy named nels cline, who plays with wilco from time to time. and, well, it was kinda weird. and by kinda weird, i mean really frigging weird, so much so that it killed the crowd - and this is already a san francisco crowd. it was just some sort of self-indulgent masturbation on stage, making noises that really didn't have much of an arc or...look, even that was way too intricate to describe.

it sounded like what a blind man would hear if he were watching "friday the 13th, part 3".

or, it sounded like r2d2 after four sacks of white castle.

if you find either of that interesting, go nuts.

nobody did.

then tweedy came out.

you know, wilco is a fantastic band. in fact, you're not gonna find one that's tighter and as explorative as they are. they do a lot of complicated shit, with plenty of songs within songs.

but when you strip it all down, when you get rid of the drums and bass and horns, when it's just jeff tweedy and his guitar, you begin to concentrate of the musical storyline, his dylan/lennon voice and, especially, the lyrics.

especially the lyrics.

and he's one talented dude.

i mean, i know the words, but they really stand out when they don't have to compete.

The ashtray says
You were up all night
When you went to bed
With your darkest mind
Your pillow wept
And covered your eyes
And you finally slept
While the sun caught fire

You've changed
Oh, you've changed.

he puts on a fantastic show. he really does. a lot of bantering with the crowd.

but it's still all about the music.

Let's forget about the tongue-tied lightning
Let's undress just like cross-eyed strangers
This is not a joke, so please stop smiling
What was I thinking when I said it didn't hurt?

if you're not a huge fan of wilco, you're really missing out.

how i'd crap my pants in the ocean

here's a link to some photos of the 2006 mavericks surf contest that went on yesterday down the road in half moon bay.

ballsy stuff.

Monday, February 06, 2006

how jack bauer would be impressed

the only thing more impossible than jack bauer being able to figure out a way to revive a dead man so he could get the coordinates of centeal asian terrorists with the possession of nerve gas is finding episode recaps for "24" online.

seriously, i was throwing things. it shouldn't have been that hard to find.

stupidly, i didn't think about wikipedia until 37 minutes later, but i eventually went there, and sho' enuff, 'twas there.

is there anything wikipedia doesn't have an entry for? and why does it all have the same voice?

seriously, one day i'm gonna wikipedia myself and someone will have written something clinically that would begin like:

Steven Tornello
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Steven Tornello (born in 1974 in Staten Island, New York) is an American advertising copywriter and short film director who gained a degree of fame amongst his friends and closest relatives for his brand of sarcastic humor juxtaposed with an absudist yet smart observational mindset. Most importantly, however, he is also renown for dating starlet Scarlett Johannsen upon her 21st birthday until her conviction for stalking him months later.

that's when i'll know that i'll have made it.

how to make predictions

seriously, i wrote this about the super bowl. scroll down and check it out:

prediction #1: there will be a very bad pass interference call that will eventually lead to a touchdown.

and prediction #2: another touchdown will be called back due to a phantom holding call.

those two are indisputable.

this following prediction is 50/50: a play will not be overturned on instant replay, even though there's enough conclusive visual evidence to do so.

so, prediction #1 didn't come true unless you're a whiny seahawks fan who thought that the pass interference call on darrell jackson in the end zone was unfair (and that would really be pushing it - no pun intended).

but on #2, the holding call on sean locklear when clark haggans caught a touchdown was definitely a terrible call. absolutely.

and the 50/50 prediction came true on ben roethlisberger's disputed touchdown fall that didn't appear to cross the plane, even though i still think it was too close to overturn. the crime in that, however, was that the line judge changed his call to touchdown.

it's just a shame that in a league blessed with parity and unpredictablility, the one thing you can rely on week in and week out is referee incompetence.

they gotta get that righted.

how to have fun with prefixes

a person who rides a horse is an equestrian.

a person who walks around outside is a pedestrian.

and a person who wildly drives an SUV with their cellphone attached to their ear is an asshole.

just wanted to clear that up.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

how everyone's gonna ask me

so i might as well answer it here.

as usual, the commercials sucked during the super bowl.

but, as for the ones i did like (or rather, didn't make me think what a waste of money that was):

- the ESPN mobile ad with the guy walking down the block checking his phone as a non-stop world of sports and athletes (like johan santana, jim edmonds, stephon marbury and baron davis, among others) happens around him. it's not the biggest idea in the world, but it's incredibly done. in fact, the production makes the idea seem bigger. and "a summer song" by chad and jeremy was the perfect choice for the music.

- my buddy will's emerald nuts ad, because it weirded me out. well done, will, well done.

- the anheuser-busch ad with the guys on the roof. funny idea. i don't really love the busch humor - it's too obvious and simple - but this made me laugh aloud. they spent enough to get me to appreciate it once.

- the ameriquest ad, where the doctors zap the fly as the mother and daughter think their father/son had died. that was difficult to type but easy to laugh at.

- the fed ex ad where the caveman tries to send something by pterodactyl. i especially like the part where he kicks the baby dragon or whatever and then gets stomped on by a dinosaur. but then again, i like that type of humor.

and that's it.

of course, judging by the espn poll, i'm completely off with the rest of the country.

then again, the rest of the country thinks "my big fat greek wedding" is high art.

how i'm sure it will be of good quality

i saw this flyer on the bus shelter while waiting for the 43-marina:

for the record, she doesn't know how to spell what she's selling (jewelry) or who she's selling to (gentlemen) or where's she's selling it (broderick).


how you don't need to die to die

after being struck with that stroke of flyer genius, the 43-marina finally arrived.

i sat down.

i opened my bag and took out my book.

and then, i inhaled.

there are many smells found on buses and like most people, i like to figure out exactly what it smells like. for example, whenever i take the 1-california, the aroma that hits my nose is usually something like the worst tasting soup you'll ever have. usually the smells on the 22-fillmore are a mixture of malt liquor and vomit.

good times.

but the smell on this 43-marina was easily the most pungent and disgusting i have ever smelled in my life. easily. it was nauseating - even after everyone opened every single window.

to put it simply, it smelled like we were delivering a busload of the nastiest dogshit in the world.

i had been hanging out with two dogs, so i smelled my clothes. there weren't any incriminating stains left unwanted. i checked under my sneakers. nothing. i looked around, and there she was - the saddest homeless woman i ever saw, wrapped in tattered clothes and clutching a paper bag.

i have never smelled anyone that smelled as bad as her. she was inhuman.

i wrote and directed a short film that involved a man who dies on a subway train. i don't know how long it takes for a human body to smell like death, and the bus route just started. she couldn't, could she?

i turned and looked, and she was awake and alive.

yes, she smelled so bad that i had to check.

but then i thought about it. okay, she's not dead, but for her to smell that bad, for her to have given up on her life so completely, isn't that dying? i mean, she was breathing, but for what?

that is sadness.

i couldn't wait to get off the bus, not only just to get away from the smell but also from those thoughts.

i used to think that so many of the homeless just didn't want to put the effort out that the rest of us did. but there's something really demented about the complete lack of ability to care for oneself in even the most basic of terms. that's not an economic problem. that's a social problem.

anyways, just getting all that off my chest - unlike that scent, of which a hint is now on my clothes.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

how apartment hunting is like a hot summer night

i checked out a bunch of apartments on saturday, the last one in russian hill.

there was a group of us waiting outside, and we followed along inside as the rental agent opened the door and walked everyone up the steps. none of us knew each other and as we moved up the steps, we kinda jockeyed for position, moving slow and fast, determined and confused, up a step and suddenly stopping and then going again, too many of us for a small staircase. it was strange, but it brought me back to my front porch as a kid when i just eyed fireflies in the air in front of me - moving in small darts, up and down and left and right.

we potential renters, we were all fireflies.

and then we entered the apartment which could not have been smaller. i'm talking small living room, smaller bedroom, barely workable kitchen and a midget toilet/shower. everyone walking around, looking for something but finding nothing, in a circle, getting to know the space we're trapped in while trying not to bump into each other.

you know, like fireflies in a jar.

when the rental agent asked if anyone were interested, half of us opened the door and left.

like if that jar were suddenly opened.

i don't know what to make of it.

Friday, February 03, 2006

how i suck atr bowling

my scores last night: 89, 101 and 89.

yes, i both suck and blow at bolwing.

how i'll use this for a reaosn

i am very drunk right now.

in fact, i am very surprised i spelt that cottrectly.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

how to make super bowl predictions

i have received thousands upon thousands of e-mails from my very loyal letters asking me to reveal my predictions for the big game on sunday. and, after countless hours of research, i've come to a conclusion.

take it to the bank or to your local bookie. these are confirmed. these are can't miss locks.

okay, get your pen and paper out, because it's time for STEVE'S CAN'T MISS LOCK 100% CORRECT SUPER BOWL PREDICTIONS OF TRUTH!

drumroll please...

prediction #1: there will be a very bad pass interference call that will eventually lead to a touchdown.

and prediction #2: another touchdown will be called back due to a phantom holding call.

those two are indisputable.

this following prediction is 50/50: a play will not be overturned on instant replay, even though there's enough conclusive visual evidence to do so.

i know most of you are in shock over these predictions, but unlike most prognosticators, i will reveal my data.

like many others, i have had teams of highly-paid researchers working around the clock on this, and the numbers prove that in the 2005 season, the officials suck male sexual organs.

also, the over/under is 17 on the amount of mentions that jerome bettis is playing in his hometown.

there you have it.

oh yeah, the steelers win 27-23, but i wouldn't put any money on that.

and, most importantly, the best commercial will be my buddy will's "emerald nuts" spot. i've been told that it's completely insane. sweet.

how idiots are our nation's greatest natural resource

here's a heartwarming story from my hometown paper about a group of friends who decided to have a fundraiser for their deceased comrade who died in a drunk-driving accident.

on first glance, that's sweet and endearing.

then again, they raised money by renting out a bar and passing out flyers with advertised drink specials over her image.

yep, for all those keeping score: they thought the best way to honor the memory of a loved one who perished from a drunk-driving accident is to get hammered in a bar and to put her image on a flyer with the words "$2 soco lime shots till 12".

keep it classy, staten island.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

how some people need to get out more

world wrestling entertainment head honcho vince mcmahon has been accused of groping a booth attendant at a tanning salon in boca raton.

supposedly, he also showed naked photos of himself on his cellphone to her.

there's a bunch of disturbing things about this alleged incident - the photos, the groping, the age difference, the creepy photo of the columnist at the top of the page - and right now it's all "he says, she says", but one question for me stands out high above all:

he lives in boca raton, and he has to go to a tanning salon?

how it's too close to call

i saw a homeless man reading "the onion" today.

taking into consideration that a healthy percentage of the homeless do not walk with the same gods as the rest of us, is it fair to assume that he took the articles seriously? and afterwards, did he ask his friends if they heard any news whether "Nation's Snowmen March Against Global Warming" was a success? and how did they respond?

i kinda hope that happened. after all, i write comedy.

but i still gotta admit, it's too close to call.


how you can't expect children to be respectful when adults are not

it's one thing for kobe bryant to score 81 points in an nba game. i mean, his team was behind by 14 at halftime, and he scored 55 in the second half when his team needed all of them. you might call him a chucker, and he usually is, but not on that night. he had to take over to win. it was the right thing to do.

it's another for a high school girl to score 113 points in a 137-32 blowout.

but how can you blame her when she's left in the game?

her coach, ed grezinsky, actually said this: "We didn't start off like that to set a record], but she had 58 at halftime. At that point, I said, 'Just let her go.'"

so...since they couldn't stop her, we decided to embarrass them.

they won the game by 105 points. even if their opponent scored all their points in the first half, she still outscored them 58-32, which is a blowout.

then she scored 57 after the half.

again, they won by 105 points.

how is this supposed to be an impressive achievement again? she shot 54-60 from the field. so she basically scored 113 points against an opponent who had no business being on the same court with her, and she got it not in any pressure situations but in a glorified layup line.

basically, she scored 113 points in what seems to be an empty gym.

newsflash! any one of us can do that.

so instead of showing some class and sportsmanship, instead of being a positive role model by showing that in order to gain respect you have to give it, instead of thinking about the awful damage that can be done on their completely overwhelmed opponent, her coach decides to embarrass them further so one of his players gain some inconsequential personal glory.

what's the lesson learned here? if you're gonna beat your opponent badly, make sure you get yours.

at least her coach's name is getting some exposure to people like me. i mean, i didn't start off like that to call him an asshole, but he proved to be an asshole. at that point, i said, "just let it flow".

so coach ed grezinsky, you wanted some notoriety, you got it.

you're an asshole.

how the olsen twins can relate to this

if bob saget, john stamos and dave coulier raised you, how do you think you would end up?