Tuesday, January 31, 2006

how you really can't tell the difference until you hear the words "monkey vagina"

here's the audio clip of the fake arnold schwarzenegger arguing about gay marriage and internment camps with guest announcer george takei on the howard stern show.

it's fantastic. "fake arnold" is spot-on perfect, and you can't really blame george takei. that is, until arnold says "monkey vagina" and "reacharound". you would think, like the rest of us, he would catch on, but then again, most of us weren't on the u.s.s. enterprise for our entire careers.

poor sulu. in his own words, he was "bamboozled".

how to pass the time in the jfk jet blue terminal while operating on very little sleep

by posting on my blog, of course.

item 1: a very stupid woman in front of me on the metal detector line woke up this morning and thought it would be a great idea to wear as much jewelry as humanly possible. seriously, you're going to a friggin' airport. do you think they're gonna give you a pass through security? "oh, well, she's wearing tons of jewelry. surely, she's not armed." being in new york and still being a new yorker, i just stared at her with this look that basically said, "are you friggin' kidding me, lady?" even mr. t would tone it down if he had enough money to fly.

item 2: i've given up on the knicks this year. but let the record show that they gave up first. so enough about them and onto a team worth my effort - mainly because they actually give some. even after last night's heartbreaker against the flyers, i can't believe how great the rangers look this year. this hendrik lundquist is just fantastic for a rookie goaltender. scratch that - for any goaltender. i can't believe i'm actually gonna have a rooting interest in this year's playoffs. fancy that.

item 3: if anyone believed the armageddon was going to happen after david hasselhoff covered steeler's wheel, then buckle up.

item 4: just seconds before the oscar nominations are announced, so here's mine for best picture: "brokeback mountain", "crash", "capote", "munich" and "good night and good luck". and, for the record, my choice is "good night and good luck".

item 5: it's still real to him, dammit. the crying wrestling fan defends himself and the world offers him its shoulder.

item 6: i need to catch my plane. hopefully i'm not sitting next to jewelryoverloadwoman. see you on the flip side.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

how letterman is making a comeback, but he still trails

david letterman hasn't really been funny in awhile, but this clip of him with bill o'reilly is the funniest (and scathing) thing he's said in years. hopefully he'll become angry again. npbpdy beats dave when he's surly.

but he's still way behind stephen colbert and conan o'brien, though.

how this is real to me

this video from a wrestling talk show has been flying around the internet, and it is completely fantastic in its patheticness.

god bless this man. and let happiness dry his tears.

how to make you laugh a little differently

i'm working with this female comedian on my freelance gig, and she's very smart, human and funny.

and, for all my new york reader, she's bringing her one woman show to new york. to see her comedy and to learn more about heather gold, check out her website.

here's the details:

Heather Gold's hit interactive baking comedy "I Look Like An Egg, but I Identify As A Cookie" comes to NY

2 nights only

Feb 21st+22nd
Ars Nova
511 West 54th (west of 10th)
tix $15: www.smarttix.com 1.212.868.4444

here's the direct link for tickets.
tix also available at the theatre a half hour before the show

But these shows are likely to sell out, so I'd recommend purchasing in advance.

Comedian Heather Gold mixes sexuality, the Left, and other tasty 1980s tunes as she bakes for her audience in I LOOK LIKE AN EGG BUT I IDENTIFY AS A COOKIE. In this hilarious and touching hit show, Gold addresses life's hardest questions with baking's simple truths, and in the end, everyone gets cookies.

Gold baked over 19,000 cookies with San Francisco audiences where the show ran over a year and won Best of the Bay from the Oakland tribune and Curve magazine's National Theatre Award.

Ars Nova was featured recently in the New York Times as one of the hot new Off-Broadway venues and has developed and presented great performers like Julia Sweeney, Sarah Silverman, Sandra Bernhard and Seth Rudetsky. Producer Jenny Wiener is also the brains and kishkas behind Jewcy which has been tummeling hipster NY.

email pr at subvert dot com for a press kit. Call Candi Adams at (917) 776-1170 for press comps.

More info and video trailer at www.subvert.com/cookie

how this was always on my mind

i was able to buy this limited edition (only 200) hatch show print for the willie nelson concert last night at the fillmore.

he put on a great show. began with "whiskey river take my mind" and ended on that too. in between he sang every great song he wrote for him or for someone else, and a couple of waylon, hank and kris covers on top of that. no opening act, no encore, no bullshit. just willie and his band.

if you ever get a chance to see him, i couldn't endorse him any more.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

how i wish i knew how to quit me

i'll come out of the closet and say it: "brokeback mountain" is a very good movie.

but, i'll out myself and say that i really don't think it's the best movie i saw this year.

i know that might be hard to swallow.

hey, i'm not gonna keep secrets. it's a ballsy movie to make. but if the lead actors were will mccormack and jm j. bullock, i don't think it would have been as much of an achievement (and a crappier movie).

then again, bad actors like that would have pulled something out of their asses.

i don't think i can keep these gay innuendos going, so i'll come out and just say it: the movie could have been better. but it'll sweep the oscars, not as much for the actual movie but for the ballsiness of it.

still, it's a very very good movie.

how all the answers are here

if you've ever wondered what jimmie "j.j." walker thinks about such hot topics like bill cosby, reparations and mikhail gorbachev, then check out his website, complete with dyn-o-mite sticks.

this is not a fake.

how to capitalize on absolute brilliance

as of right now, bidding on the liquid form of kobe bryant's 81 points is up to over $2,000.

this is quite possibly the most clever thing ever posted on ebay.

update: it was pulled by ebay. basically, it said that if you ever wondered where nba points went beyond the scoreboard and box score, well, it forms into a liquid base in this guy's basement. and he bottled kobe's 81 points of liquid into a jar along with a smaller jar filled with his teammates' 41 points. really great stuff. too bad it got pulled. must have been the $400,000 that the bidding got up to.

Monday, January 23, 2006

how to make me laugh

"mayor ray nagin has promised to make new orleans a chocolate city again. and when it does, we'll at least know who the delicious nut in the middle is."

- tina fey, saturday night live "weekend update"

Sunday, January 22, 2006

how we can summarize the next two weeks in this posting

guaranteed, these are the quotes you'll be hearing from the steelers and the seahawks in the next two weeks leading up to super bowl xl.

"nobody expected us to be here."

"we've been underestimated all year."

"they're a good football team, no doubt".

"the pressure's off. this is the fun part."

they'll each be said by numerous players, believe me.

and someone will spout off at some point, giving the other team some material for the locker room. it's completely unpredictable what's going to be said, but as for whom, my money's on joey porter.

how i would give anything to know what that must feel like

kobe bryant just scored 81 points against the raptors.

yep. 81 points. in one game.

to really wrap your head around it, that's averaging 20 points each quarter.

let's break it down: in 42 minutes, he shot 28 for 46 from the field, 7-13 from downtown and 18-20 from the line. so that's 46 shots in 42 minutes. yep, that's basically shooting every time down the court. but he also had 20 free throws, so figure that there were around 56 attempts.

here's something even more impressive: they were behind most of the night, and they needed every shot from him just to stay in it. after halftime, he scored 55 points. that's completely insane. but it's good solid basketball to keep on feeding the hot hand. and he surely was hot.

still, 46 shots is an impressive amount of shots to take.

i mean, iverson shoots a lot, and he rarely tops 35. and even that seems like a ton. seriously, even when kobe shoots a lot, when he's chucking it up off one leg fadaway each time down the court (you know, like in every game), you still look at the boxscore and he still had only shot 33 times or so.

here's some more context: the most reggie miller ever shot in a game was 29 times.

at some point, kobe's arm has to fall off, but there's nothing to complain about on this night, though. he had to. he's great.

i guess what i'm trying to get across is that it's amazing that he scored 81.

but it's almost as amazing that he was able to shoot 46 times in a game. that's a ton of shots. that's basically like being alone in a gym.

but the most amazing thing that happened, BAR NONE, is that the raptors didn't tackle him each time down the court or, god forbid, double-teamed him.

by the way, in the ten games he's played in 2006, he's scored 81, 37, 51, 37, 38, 27, 41, 45, 50 and 48. to save you the effort of calculating, that's an average of 45.5 points a game, and he's doing it while shooting 48% from the field.

that's completely superhuman.

yep, kobe's got a future in this game. he's gonna be famous.

how they'll be no mistaken

michael schiavo, the husband of terri schiavo, has married his longtime girlfriend after a long (and understandable) courtship.

the most interesting part was the wedding vows:

PRIEST: "jodi, do you promise to love michael, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?"

JODI: "i do."

MICHAEL: "did everyone hear that?"

you see, i'm already burning in hell, so i might as well pile it on.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

how to make your homes look nicer

my buddy jay has a website selling his photography. he's got some really great prints and, even if you're not up for buying anything, it's still worth a look and a stroll.

help a brother out. he's a great guy and an old friend.

how i hope this isn't a tease

i just read this on miamiherald.com:

Liguori said that ''it is highly unlikely'' that the comedy Arrested Development will return to the network after the final four episodes of the season air in February.

''It is regrettable that we could not find the audience that that show deserved,'' Liguori said, noting that the network kept the dysfunctional-family sitcom -- a favorite with critics but a pariah for audiences -- around for three seasons of abominable ratings before pulling the plug.

Two other networks are negotiating to pick up Arrested Development. ABC is mulling over a single-season deal for 13 episodes, while the premium-cable channel Showtime is talking about a two-year commitment. Liguori said there has been some discussion of moving the show to Fox's cable cousin FX, but it's too expensive to be profitable there.

firstly, i am ecstatic that there are four more episodes. with the brilliance of the last episode, i thought they were done for good and in a most fitting fashion. but there's more bluths for us. sweet.

and, even more importantly, i couldn't be any more ecstatic that they've got two offers on the table, even though ABC kinda scares me. they really don't seem to be like a network that understands high-concept humor (or humor, for that matter). i mean, it could be worse, like CBS. still, sweet.

saveourbluths.com must be working.

how you should never underestimate the bargain bin

found and purchased at the "4 vinyl records for $10" pile at open mind music on divisadero:

"ghost in the machine" by the police
"the stranger" by billy joel
"business at usual" by men at work
"beck-ola" by jeff beck
"dylan" by bob dylan
"santana's greatest hits"

in total? $15.

i got to say, though, "the stranger" isn't sounding so well, but whatever. it's hard to complain when it's just the price of a bagel with cream cheese.

how you see and hear strange things

while walking to the store this morning, i walked past a bum on the corner who said to his friend, and i quote, "you see, i think terrorism is a bad thing."

good to know.

later, i'm taking the 71-haight bus back home, and i find myself sitting across from an old man, in his seventies, sporting a hearing aid. none of that is odd.

the fact that he had his mouth dropped open while reading a playboy in full view for everyone to see was, well, there are no words.

that was my saturday.

how you need a statement to make a statement

the one thing that bothers me about espn college basketball analyst digger phelps' fashion statement of matching the color of his highlighter to his tie is not that he's matching his highlighter to his tie.

it's that what the hell is he using a highlighter for? he's a basketball analyst, not a biology student. what could he be possibly highlighting? he's reading off a teleprompter, ain't he?

makes no sense.

how you've got to be kidding me

i just watched letterman, and he had actress/hot-piece-of-ass jordana brewster on as his guest. she's appearing/starring in a movie called "annapolis" with james franco.

anyways, it's about a hot shot cadet who falls in love with his beautiful instructor.

and they showed a clip of the bar scene where he introduces himself to her.

did i mention that this is the first installment of "how you've got to be kidding me?"

honestly, if you're gonna remake "top gun", at least let it be known instead of trying to slip under the radar. she mentioned that she's his boxing instructor, but have you seen what jordana brewster looks like? and on top of that, what's the difference between a boxing instructor or engagement instructor? oooh, is it that one's in a ring, the other's in the sky? is that really enough?

sadly, i guess so.

if james franco describes how a MiG 28 does a 4g negative dive, i'm calling for reinforcements on hollywood.

by the way, did you know that kelly mcgillis is three inches taller than tom cruise? me neither. but i love shit like that.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

how there's hope for the rest of us

if a snake and a hamster can make it in today's world, then there's no reason we all can't get along.

who's with me?

how graham chapman's legacy lives

check out dictionary.com's reference for the word "merely".

it's a loony.

how a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do

during the knicks-bulls game last night. knicks forward antonio davis ran into the stands to protect his wife from a drunk.

said davis: ""i witnessed my wife being threatened by a man that i learned later to be intoxicated. iI saw him touch her, and i know i should not have acted the way i did, but i would have felt terrible if i didn't react. there was no time to call security. it happened too quickly."

i know that davis is the head of the player's union, and he had to say "i know i should not have acted the way i did" because he can't give any justification for going into the stands, but i don't think there's any doubt he acted completely appropriately. he did nothing wrong. in fact, he did everything he should have. he has to protect his wife and famliy.

he is not a man if he doesn't.

unfortunately, with the whole ron artest thing last year, he's probably gonna get suspended.

and if i'm antonio davis, i'd just accept it - with pride.

man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. and i don't know of anyone who should have a problem with that.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

how i might have been wrong

i just watched the season premiere of "american idol", and i have to say that i laughed my ass off. seriously, simon is golden. just absolutely brutal and biting. without him, this show is nothing.

i don't think i'll like the actual competition, but i'll give it a shot. actually, tivo will give it a shot, and i'll follow.

just don't expect a miracle.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

how i wish i saw this live

i wish i watched the golden globes last night, if only for when dennis quaid presented "brokeback mountain".

transcription from defamer.com:

QUAID: “Our last nominated drama tells the story of two young cowboys who met in the summer if 1963 and forge an unexpected, lifelong connection that proves the endurance and power of love. It’s a controversial film. It’s…let’s just say it rhymes with ‘chick flick.’”

[SFX: CRICKETS too confused to muster much chirping.]

[SFX: Barely audible, grudging LAUGHTER.]

CUT TO: Heath Ledger REACTS with a sliver of a smile, wishing he could swallow down his shame like his Brokeback character, Ennis Del Mar.

how i can't believe jay leno just made me laugh

"texas quarterback vince young has decided to go pro, and virginia tech quarterback marcus vick has decided to go con.''

yeah, a witticism from jay leno.

who knew?

Sunday, January 15, 2006

how, even years later, i can't comprehend it

An older version of me
Is she perverted like me?
Would she go down on you in a theater?
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby?
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother...
Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity?
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face
How quickly I was replaced
And are you thinking of me when you fuck her?...
And every time I scratch my nails
Down someone else's back I hope you feel it.

of course, that's "you oughta know" by alanis morrisette. and yeah, i'm man enough to admit that i love those lyrics. there's no doubt about how she feels about the guy who did this to her.

and that makes me sad because it's ruined for me.

the reason i bring this up is because all weekend long i've been seeing promos for "skating with celebrities", one of which is "full house" star dave coulier.

he's also the reason alanis morrisette wrote that song.

yeah, that schmuck.

now the song is ruined for you, too.

how this is really the best time to see movies

two quick movie reviews (please note that i saw these on back-to-back nights and not in a double feature):

starring eric bana and the new james bond
directed by steven spielberg

nobody has the talent of filling up each shot with incredibly interesting visuals that speilberg has. he's truly amazing. but recently, he's made a habit of directing really great scenes in the middle of really middling stories. maybe it's the content. maybe it's just having uninspiring material in front of him. kinda makes sense that if you're gonna end a streak of bad movies, it might as well be about the assassinations of the palestinian terrorists who killed the isreali hostages during the 1972 olympics - an interesting topic well done. the performances were great - especially bana - and it's exquisitely shot and edited and professional. it did go on too long, and it went from being a movie about the assassinations to another movie about the effects of them. and that's been another of his faults - shoving too many stories to fit into a movie. but it's not as bothersome in this flick. damn worth seeing for so many reasons.

"match point"
starring jonathan rhys-meyers and the beautiful and bountiful scarlett johansson
written and directed by woody allen

i read reviews that this was the best woody allen movie in years, but that's like saying that this can of beer is better than the case of coors light i just drank. but it really is, and you can say that it's his best movie since "crimes and misdemeanors". which is ironic, considering that the two movies are cousins, maybe even first cousins. the usual woody characters and dialogue are in this film too, except portrayed by younger british actors. and it really adds something, to see and hear everything woody but not filmed in the upper west side. it does drag too long - what serious woody film doesn't? - but it's completely interesting and engaging that it's really no big deal. all the performances are damn good, but scarlett is truly fantastic. she's genuinely and abundantly talented - and that wasn't a tit joke. it's good to revel in woody's brilliance again. it's been a long time coming. anything less would have been a travesty of a mockery of a sham of two mockeries of a sham.

how ignorance is bliss for the other people on the bus

two women were on my bus, having a conversation, each with a baby stroller and their children fast asleep. they're talking about their kids, but talking about them in the current vernacular they would use for speaking about their peers.

yes, they are calling their children, and i quote, "motherfuckers".

as in, "this motherfucker won't sleep at night" with a reply "well, my motherfucker just began teething".

so, in case you are too in shock to put it all together, these are mothers calling their children "motherfuckers". so they are basically claiming that their children fuck them.

i live in the same country and planet as they do.

pray for me. pray for us all.

Friday, January 13, 2006

how anything can be made to look beautiful

thank you, cindy crawford, for giving all of us who do this a pretty face for our endeavors.

how this isn't chauvinsitic

i'm all for women playing in men's sports. i don't mind it at all - if they're good enough. hell, the top leagues in the world should command the best athletes, no matter their skin color, race or gender.

michelle wie is not good enough to play in the pga.

she's been getting embarrassed at the sony open in hawaii, shooting a seven over on the front nine of day one. what bothers me is that the only reason she's in the event is because she's an oddity - a sixteen-year-old female golfer. she's not the best female golfer - she hasn't won an lpga event yet. she hasn't proven a thing. she hasn't earned anything.

it's basically michael jordan being promoted to play major league baseball when he didn't do much for the AA level birmingham barons.

she's a gimmick. so if she's eligible to play, then why not a midget golfer? same thing, right?

now, if annika sorenstam were playing, then i'd say go for it, girl. and i think that's a major sporting event worth covering.

all i'm saying is enough with michelle wie. you know, at least until she wins something first.

how to win the gold

espn.com has posted two articles, by chris sheridan and chad ford, forecasting their picks to represent the american national basketball team in the world championships and the olympics. as we've found out, all-star teams don't work, unless your goal is to sell jerseys and merchandise (and really, when is that never the case?) but if you're serious about fielding a team, here you go.

PG - chauncey billups
SG - richard hamilton
SF - tayshaun prince
PF - rasheed wallace
C - ben wallace

look familiar? it should. that's the starting lineup of the detroit pistons, the best basketball team i've seen in years (and also the only watchable team currently in the nba). they play like a team, and each one of them is perfectly suited for the different international style of play. chauncey runs the team. rip hits the mid-range jumpers. prince is your defensive stopper. rasheed does all the little things better than anyone in the world. and ben cleans up the boards.

wow. all the roles that you need in a basketball team have already been filled by a team that's been playing together for years - you know, exactly like our competitors.

since we need a bench, i'd take t.j. ford (change of pace) and michael redd (outside shooting) at the guards, lebron (best player in the world) , dwight howard (stud big man) and chris bosh (another stud) at the forwards, and amare stoudamire (completely unstoppable) at the pivot.

and i'd take kobe. yeah, he's a ballhog and yeah, he'd make this team all about himself. but he's an asshole, and every team needs one of them. he doesn't - and will not - lose. that's invaluable.

i'll take my chances.

how you might have to work for this one

hillary swank and her husband, chad lowe, announced that they are getting divorced after eight years of marriage.

in related news, jimmy crack corn.

how to solve insomnia

by posting, of course.

speaking of, hasn't the word gotten out that talking on your cellphone on public transportation or in any shared public space is completely obnoxious? i thought it did. i thought enough people had talked about it where not doing that has essentially become law.

maybe, just to seal the deal, the new york times, the paper of record, could have a headline on the front page that says "talking on your cellphone in a shared public space leads people to conclude that you're an obnoxious self-centered asshole" for everyone to see. you wouldn't have to read the article. it would be all self-explanatory.

or maybe there could be ads on buses or trains that say "stop talking on your cell, asshole. this peace and quiet brought to you by..." whatever company that did that would win big in public goodwill.

but i don't think we don't need all that. it's pretty much assumed, right?

which leads me to believe that maybe people just don't give a shit.

yeah, that's gotta be it.

okay, back again to trying to sleep.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

how i shouldn't have expected anything else

i went to a lecture/speech given by walter murch. he's an industry famous film editor, the one name that everybody would know if people knew the names of film editors. really quick: among others, he's edited "apocalypse now", "american graffitti", "the english patient", "cold mountain" and, most recently, "jarhead" and he's sound designed those films plus "the godfather, part 2" and "ghost". he's won oscars for both skills.

yeah. he's an important guy in film.

anyways, i got there at 6:20 for the 7pm speech, and wound up standing on a line that stretched so long that i entered the theater 40 minutes later. so i was able to overhear conversations amongst my nerdy brethren.

but this one got me.

when i showed up, i asked "is this the line for walter murch?" and some pony-tailed dude in front of me said, "yeah, and i haven't seen a line this long since the opening night of the lord of the rings - the first and last ones".

first and last "lord of the rings".

not just "lord of the rings".

the first and last one.

not the second one.

such a strange thing to say. the second one was just as good as the other two. and yet, this guy purposefully left that one out of his comparison. why? was the line just not that long? i don't know why that would be, considering how amazing the first film was. was he not there for opening night of the second film? why would he even alert me to that? was he making a statement? was he making his feelings about the second film known?

why did he not include the second film?


twenty minutes later, i heard two people arguing whether or not the balrog from those movies was supposed to have wings or not. i know this is a big deal in the "lord of the rings" community because i worked on those video games for two years. but i never thought i'd actually hear a debate about it. but i did. special stuff.

that was my night.

how i could take don flamenco or great tiger

this is a live rendition of the nintendo classic "mike tyson's punchout" and it is fantastic and troughworthy.

my favorite part is when little mac is on the bike.

yeah, i'm jealous.

how i see the world

kobe bryant became the third player in nba history to score over 45 points in four consecutive games.

which means that the last time he threw a pass was in the lobby of a colorado hotel.

thanks. i'll be here all week.

Monday, January 09, 2006

how it's too close to call

what's funnier: people wearing ugg boots in warm weather because they think it looks good, or white people wearing fubu outfits?

personally, i still think the white fubu outfit wearer wins - but it's getting closer by the minute.

how i'm going to hell for this joke

at least one thing is certain: "ethiopian idol" won't produce another ruben stoddard.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

how there's great things to be found in junk mail

in my junk mail, i got this intimate message with the subject "i want to meet a canada man".

Hello have a good day,
I am not sure where to begin,it is first time I try to use internet to meet the man but the thing is,that I will work abroad I can choice USA,Canada or Europe and I would like to meet the man to share free evenings and be my guide. My friends helped me to send a few letters to different address and I do hope that I am lucky to meet good and kind man.you should know that now I live in Russia and my goal is to leave this country because it is impossible to live here for young pretty woman.they tell I look well enough,I am blonde with blue eyes,I am natural blonde.I will send a few photos if you reply. if you don't have wife nor girlfriend ,maybe we could try to meet? I am free I have not children .and I have not boyfriend here. I am 25 years old ,please write to me directly to my mail- fruy1@pochta.ru See you soon ,with great hope.

so, all you canucks out there, help a russian sister out if you can, eh?

how i learn something every day

the chick who played jason melon's girlfriend in "back to school" is now married to the former sprint spokesman who dressed in a trench coat.

i don't know how that helps me, but it feels good to know that.

how to come to grips

things i learned from the carolina panthers-new york giants playoff game:

1. the panthers are a better team than the giants.

2. you don't win in the NFL playoffs without linebackers.

3. you don't win in the NFL playoffs without fire.

big blue didn't give themselves a chance, because with fire, #1 and #2 don't become all that decisive.


Saturday, January 07, 2006

how i've decided to make things easier

there's a new section called "trough o'mine" on the sidebar to the right. that's where i'll just put a link to anything brilliant that might come my way.

it's instant access to hilarity.

who says i'm not looking out for my peeps?

how there's always an escape

in a world where our own government spies on us, where people get in fights while watching a movie, where impatience has become the greatest virtue, where every night our newscasts scares us with tales of murders and rapes and potential flus and viruses, it takes two asian students lip-syncing to the backstreet boys' "i want it that way" to restore my faith in humanity.

or even the same guys doing "as long as you love me". that works for me too.

by the way, where has this been in my life? these videos have been floating around since october, and they're just getting to me now? c'mon, steveohvillagers. i can't be everywhere. i need your help on matters such as these. keep me afloat.

how they never fail to amaze me

i swear to god, after listening to each football game they announce, i come away truly believing that joe theismann and paul maguire had never watched a football game before. they are truly clueless, as if this is a new thing for them - much the same way if i announced curling.

i never played on a football team, but just from gleamimg what i've learned from watching the game, playing john madden football and playing touch tackle with my friends at the alba house playground, i know enought to get by. but let's face it; my knowledge is rudimentary.

but they make me really feel like an expert.

that's why it truly amazes me when i remember that they both played in the nfl.

and that completely blows my mind.

can't they find anyone better? or are they working for free?

Friday, January 06, 2006

how sometimes the truth is evident

i had the pleasure of sitting right by three homeless people on the train today as they argued/yelled about the title of the jim carrey movie where he had three black kids (which was "me, myself and irene" - an answer i didn't offer).

of course, they didn't modulate the volume of their voices, and of course, they cursed their heads off. and, of course, they weren't able to string together any semblence of coherent thoughts. it was a cavalcade of complete nonsense, and everyone on the train had no choice but to listen to them.

and, on top of all that, one of them had a boombox and he played his music very loudly.

here's the catch: he played "i want to sex you up" by color me badd.

yep - quite possibly the cheesiest song by the cheesiest boy band ever.

girl you make me feel real good,
we can do it till we both wake up
girl you know i'm hooked on you
and this is what i'll do.
(i wanna love you down)
i wanna sex you up,
all nite, (you make me feel good)
i want (to rub you down)
i wanna sex you up.

which makes me believe that some of the homeless are actually homeless for no other reason than bad taste.

really truly disgustingly bad taste.

how some jobs just beg for a reality show

if i don't manage to land a freelance gig during a week, i get full unemployment benefits - which manages to be about $350. that's not so bad for someone who spends most of his time writing screenplays in a coffeehouse or watching "judge judy".

but if i were just a little more ambitious and didn't care about my career, intelligence, life, self-respect, pride, legacy and what other people think of me, i could make $250 more and be steven seagal's personal assistant.

i choose being able to look myself in the mirror.

how the religious never let a chance to embarrass themselves go by

it's been awhile since we heard from pat robertson, but you know that the voicebox of god can't keep quiet for too long, especially when a chance to completely embarrass himself becomes available.

like right now, when he's given a chance to comment on ariel sharon's stroke, he says, "i am sad to see him in this condition, but i think we need to look at the bible and the book of joel. the prophet joel makes it very clear that god has enmity against those who 'divide my land.' ''

thank you, pat robertson, for clearly stating what needed to be said. it was obviously sharon dividing israel to appease the united states and the european union that caused his stroke, and definitely not his huge weight problem, old age, the hole in his heart and incredible amount of stress.

god must be very proud of your ongoing work for him.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

how to make an impassioned plea

if you're not watching "the office" on thursday nights at 9:30, then you're not watching the best show on television. and yet, as great as it is, the british version is still better, but just barely - by like a hair follicle on dwight schrute's head.

you know what? this blog is getting to be all about television.

it's such good television, though.

okay, i need to get out more.

i gotta stop now.

how to go down in flames with style (or how to recap the best finale ever)

i just watched the series finale of "arrested development", and there just could not have been a more brilliant and clever ending for such a brilliant and clever show, filled with self-referential jokes about their situation.

for example, after admitting that "the bluths are desperate. the press had them all but finished" - about as apropro as you can get - they show a headline from the paper about their lawyer: "Bob Loblaw Lobs Law Bomb".

and then, to set the template for the rest of the show and their futures, michael says, "if we want any chance of keeping this family going for a couple of weeks, we're gonna have to pull out all the stops" which allowed them, from that moment on, to take all the criticisms given to them by fox network executives on how to fix their show, and then respond to them one by one.

like, after promising a death (a noted sitcom cliche), they show an old lady and admit "OK, we'll just come out and say it -- she's the one who dies."

like when they used another sitcom cliche (3-D glasses) by pointing them out and then making fun of them by using them ridiculously - like GOB throwing a tomato for no reason and andy richter (a guest star - yet another sitcom cliche/"cheap stunt") attacking the camera.

or like when, during their party, they do yet another "cheap stunt" by planting "stars that have no connection to the family" like ben stiller, john larroquette, judge reinhold and richard belzer.

like after, to help try to make their show seem even more obvious and sitcommy, they set up their final bit with VO that said "this was a complex situation that was not easily resolved...the dinner party was a clear cut situation with a promise of comedy. tell your friends" - you know, conventional sitcom humor.

then they littered the show with their hidden pleas and agendas, like when michael noted that the home builders organization stated that the bluths won't be picked up, "well, i guess HBO won't take us, so I guess it's showtime."

and when michael was given a chance to say what he really felt - about his father and his family but really, about the show - he said that "what has happened to us has been an injustice, and that we were never really given a fair chance", but then admitted that "maybe we aren't worth saving. maybe the bluths just aren't likeable, too self-centered".

or after promoting the website saveourbluths.com throughout, they end the whole thing by celebrating - live (another sitcom cliche) - that they kept their dignity during the whole process by proclaiming "it doesn't pay to sound desperate".

and then, when you throw in tobias' very gay misquotes, lindsay making poached salmonella, buster proclaiming that "sister is my new mother" and the complementary insanely racist line spoken by the old woman who died - "you can charm the black off a telegram boy" - jesus christ, how can this show be cancelled? seriously? how idiotic can fox be?

don't answer that.

Monday, January 02, 2006