Wednesday, June 29, 2005

how irony can be so ironic

isn't it funny how someone who hates psychiatric drugs so much comes across as someone who desperately needs them?

but whether he gets through it himself or with the use of drugs, one day he's gonna have to come to realize that goose's death was not his fault.

you gotta let him go. you gotta let him go.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

how it's never gonna get better

don't get me wrong: i'm completely against the president's "plan" in iraq and how he's changed his goals four times while we're there, and how he basically lied to the country to fulfill his personal agenda, and how he's sacrificed so many american lives to be killed because of a non-existant war strategy and a lack of equipment, and how we're actually no safer now than when we were right after 9/11 - in fact, we've probably tripled the amount of terrorists in the world, and we've given them more of a reason to hate us.

i'm there on all that. i don't believe a word my president says, and that saddens me to no end.

but then i get an e-mail from in my inbox about tonight's speech, and it goes like this:

One good first step is letters to the editor. Bush's speech tonight will be one of the major "tipping point" moments since the war began, and we can help make sure that no one buys his "stay the course" rhetoric. Politicians will be watching the letter-to-the-editor pages closely, and newspapers are likely to print letters on what will be the major story of the week. If we're able to push back hard enough, we can build a drumbeat for a real exit plan.

okay, look, what was written will probably be true. PROBABLY. i don't see bush and his cronies changing their ways anytime soon. but my point is why is there a reaction to something that hasn't happened yet? isn't it more beneficial and fair to read his bullshit, analyze it, see if any of it makes sense, and then react? what if he surprises you? i know that's not gonna happen, but this country foolishly re-elected him. he is our president. he deserves to be listened to, not automatically rebelled against.

but that's not the way today. the bush administration makes a decision and ignores any evidence or facts that may argue against it. and their opposition is doing no better.

they're all the same pieces of shit. they just cheer for different teams.

Monday, June 27, 2005

how the fake can feel so real

so i was flipping through the channels on monday and i came to "wwe raw". i usually stay on it for a minute, maybe two, and then i'm on my way to a third viewing of sportscenter. but john cena and shawn michaels were in the ring, and the crowd rose to their feet, and i heard the opening bars to a song that made my heart race as a child. and when the lyrics hit - "i am a real american, fight for the rights of every man" - i put the clicker down.

and the hulkster hit the ring, and the crowd went nuts, and even though he's now well into his fifties, he's still tan, and even though his muscles aren't solid tight, they're still muscles, and even when it seemed like he struggled to rip off his hulkamania shirt, it was still ripped and my pulse still pulsed.

and the match went on and the drama was built until the hulkster was finally tagged in and it's the scene we all know: blocked punch, punch, blocked punch, punch, whip into the ropes and a clothesline, bait the crowd for a reaction, whip into the ropes and his opponent eats the big boot, the crowd rises, and into the ropes and the hulkster drops the big leg for the one, two, three - and the crowd is in a frenzy and the hulkster clears the ring of his opponents and it's time to celebrate as he cups his ears to one section of the crowd, and another, and another and another, and then the hulkster pose - his right arm flexing as his left points upward to the sky at two o'clock, and then the two armed flex, and then the chest flex, once, twice, three times...

and there i am, no longer thirty-one but now eleven again, and instead of beating chris jericho, christian and some other dude, he just beat the iron sheik, or paul orndorff or even big john studd, and all is well in the world because hulkamania's running wild no matter the age and there sure ain't no cure, even twenty years later.

is wrestling real? of course not. but my goosebumps sure are.

by the way, speaking of things larger than life, check this out.

how to break down the broken down

disclaimer: nothing makes me happier than writing this column.

the yankees team payroll (as of may 1) is $208,000,000. their record on june 27 is 38-37. considering they've played half a year and paid half their salaries, the math says they've spent $2.7 million per victory. the lowly kansas city royals pay $720,000 per victory. or, if you will, $2,160,000 for their recent sweep of the yanks.

the tampa bay devil rays just took 3 out of 4 from them. their payroll is $29 million, or just $3 more than the yankees' third baseman.

the yankees' starting rotation, currently 26-25 with an era of 4.75. they make $64.5 million, or more than the whole team salaries of the minnesota twins, cleveland indians, san diego padres and the florida marlins, who all have better records and better ERAs.

the yankees will spend around $143,000 every inning they play. 60 games played at that rate will give them the salary of the baltimore orioles, who currently lead them by four games in the american league east. unfortunately, there are 102 other games that need to be played.

and i pay nothing to watch this house of cards crumble.

how awesome is that?

how a little can go a long way

many of you remember that i ran a marathon last year in the name of my friend christine, who is currently beating the crap out of the leukemia she had. many of you gave some money. many of you offered prayers. they both worked wonders.

now my buddy jean-louis coquillot from high school is running a triathalon in her name, and if anyone has any extra cashflow laying around, please help us take on this daunting disease. think about it: to help defeat leukemia, he's gonna swim the hudson river (final burial home of countless mafia victims), bike the henry hudson parkway (home of the most ruthless drivers in the country) and run the west side of central park (and you don't want to know what goes on there). so, if you're feelin' a little charitable and willing to do just a little in our ongoing battle, please help out in our rousing defeat over leukemia.


Friday, June 24, 2005

how we are the lord of the flies

what is it about politics that attracts the most childish and immature people in our country?

what is it about politics that removes these people so far away from the world we're living in, no matter what party they belong to?

what is it about politics that all we hear nowadays is "i know you are but what am i?" and "sticks and stones may break my bones" instead of calm intelligent debate where people actually listen to each other?

why can't we move past "liar liar pants on fire"?

because we're the biggest idiots who keep on electing these assholes.

well, we get what we pay for.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

how easy it is to get your fifteen

is anyone else perturbed over all the attention that the so-called "runaway bride" is getting? what exactly did she do? she took a bus ride. she irked some responsibilities. she was found. she lied. she confessed. she came home.

seriously, that's it. that's all she did. and now she's being interviewed by katie couric and she just signed a $500,000 book deal.

so, to break it down into mathematical terms:

bus ride + irresponsibility + lie + confession + return home = $500,000 book deal + katie couric interview.

i can do that.

today i took the 71 bus from my house to the haight. i was supposed to go to the art store, but i got some cold feet and i left the art store employees waiting for my arrival. when i was spotted in the haight, i concocted a story about how a mangled-tooth hippie kidnapped me and led me to the ben & jerry's on ashbury. but there was no mangled-toothed hippie (i mean, there are plenty of them in the world, but none of them that were guilty). i then confessed, saying that i went to the haight because i didn't want to deal with the pressure of buying the right type of paper for a portfolio i'm making. i returned home to my place, and eventually the art store employees forgave me, because they are idiots.


please make the check out to the runaway artist.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

how a simple threat can fool anything

my buddy once told me that the only way to fix a computer is to unplug it, cradle it in your arms, hold it out a window, release it for a half second and then catch it before it falls. you know, scare the living shit out of it and watch how nicely it'll behave.

i took that to heart. i think it makes a whole lotta sense.

anyway, my shins have been killing me more on than off for the past three months. i'll have good runs for a week until, one day, i feel like my shin muscles are pulling out a half-mile ahead from my bones. it's a horrible physical feeling and an even worse emotional one, knowing that i woke up early for naught and that i'm about to endure a different kind of walk of shame back home, one that doesn't come with a good story.

despite the amount of ice and rest i've applied to my lower half during my ordeal, i finally took stock in all my options and realized i'm out of them. that is, until i remembered my buddy's advice.

so i joined a gym.

it wasn't a subtle gesture. in fact, when i went in, i glared at the stairmaster. "look at that machine. you see it? yeah? well, it's got your name on it, shins. this is what you've brought me to. if you're gonna take away running from me, well, you're gonna walk me to this." i knew it heard me. i made sure of it.

so when inanimate objects begin to wreck your life, is threatening them your only recourse?

you bet your ass. and if you don't believe me, i've got 18 miles behind me to prove it to you.

how the sonic can be lost

i just bought the new album from the white stripes. most of you know how much i admire jack and meg - her restraint on the drums, his mastery of the guitar, and most especially, how well they listen to each other when playing. a white stripes concert is a master's class of everything that's right about live music.

and whenever i sit down and absorb a white stripes album, i'm amazed at the guitar riffs. most of the time, when you listen to other bands, you can hone in on certain instruments and say to yourself, "well, even though i don't know how to play any music, i could still probably learn what they just played in a couple of hours." not so with jack. there's no way in hell i can ever play anything off "white blood cells" or "elephant" or "de stijl".

but i could probably play anything off "get behind me satan", their newest album.

not that the songs aren't pretty; they are. and not that the lyrics aren't magestic; they are (any time you can mention rita hayworth twice in an album is fantastic). but it's just missing that white stripes thing, the moment in a song when all the emotion of being the best rock band in the world comes out in a hook. the moment when all get out is finally released, and your heart begins to race and the song's climax begins to erupt and it all comes down to this, it all comes down to this.

it's the moment that turn rock sounds into rock music. it's the moment that separates amazing musicians from people like me.

the sonic, as my roommate's brother described it.

i don't know what happened to their sonic. maybe loretta lynn has it. maybe they're leaving the sonic for someone else. maybe they're just trying to level the playing field between them and every other band in the world. maybe it's a new stripe.

i don't know what. i just know that i missed it.

and i'm sad that i just typed this whole thing.

Monday, June 20, 2005

how the sonic can be repetitive

speaking of the sonic, here's a couple of quick cd reviews of bands that i like but left me disappointed.

audioslave's "out of exile" - the same thing from the last album. nothing new. their sonic is regurgitated.

foo fighter's "in your honor" - repetitive. however, the acoustic cd is a step forward. their sonic is repetitive.

coldplay's "X/Y" - bland. boring. risk free. no sonic whatsoever.

queens of the stone age's "lullabies to paralyze" - unfocused. done before. sometimes bright. some sonic, just not enough of it.

Friday, June 17, 2005

how far can they go

at some point soon, the world will expect ashton kutcher to jump out and say, "you've been punk'd!"

but it's not gonna happen. so don't hold your breath.

seriously, has there ever been anything more fake and a bigger charade than this?

you know, besides this guy's teeth?

how far does he have to go to prove his masculinity? is something like this just around the corner?

DETROIT - Tom Cruise said that he ruthlessly beat his virgin fiance Katie Holmes with a tire iron and then took her from behind in front of seven truck drivers.

Cruise, speaking at a news conference with a bruised and bandaged Holmes, said: "Yes, I made her submit. And I have the seven gentlemen witnesses here to prove my virility."

"Today is a magnificent day for me," he said. "I've imposed my will on a magnificent woman."

Asked if anything new is around the corner for this superstar couple, he said, "I cannot answer that without checking with my publicist."

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

how much fun freelancing could be

my aol blogs just went live at

scroll to the bottom of the page to

and then click on them.

i wrote them and all their entries every day or so for the next couple of weeks. it's funny stuff - trust me. kudos to the client for running with them.


Monday, June 13, 2005

how you should only be a celebrity in los angeles

you would think that people in los angeles aren't as starstruck than in, say, indianapolis. but, then again, people in indianapolis may see celebrities as being famous for something that may not actually be worthwhile, but in los angeles, where everyone is basically chasing the same thing, celebrity is revered. they see how it's earned.

still, when a celebrity goes on trial, have mountains of evidence piled against him and have there be enough unsavoriness about the charges where even if the celebrity were innocent, they were guilty of putting themselves into that position, and it's all overlooked, well, you would think that something's wrong.

you know, especially when everybody outside of los angeles just assumes that the celebrity is guilty because there really can't be any way that they're not, and that being famous doesn't give them the right to break the laws, and that you can't really get away with everything, and that there just isn't a way, there just can't. but there is.

because the celebrity always walks free in los angeles.

and if you think i'm talking about this clown, you're right.

but i'm also talking about these clowns too:

and, in nine months, this clown:

and you know if it had gone to trial, this clown:

and i bring up indianapolis, because they were grounded enough to convict this clown:

or new york, which has enough of a middle finger to convict this clown too:

which just goes to prove that you can't spell "a nation laughs at you" without "LA".

how we shouldn't encourage the self-absorbed, but we still do

i can't believe this was announced, and i can't believe this was reported.

then again, i can and i can, because this is the culture we live in, and it's saddening.

and, by the way, retire from what? and can we push up the date?

Thursday, June 09, 2005

how disturbing isn't shocking anymore

ronald mcdonald, everyone's creepy fat clown, is about to go through an image makeover. supposedly, he's now slim and athletic, and he sports a metrosexual wardrobe.

seriously. i didn't make that up. here's proof.

here's some other things i didn't make up. i don't get it: is the new ronald mcdonald sarcastic or ironic? oh, neither? they're serious?

i found out about this while watching the news. i would have laughed, except it pissed me off how this was described as "funny" and "cute" when instead it should have been called "a travesty" and "a lie".

it's friggin' mcdonalds!

anyway, some other companies are introducing new characters to promote a "new leaf" in their public image. for example:

1. Clearie (from big tobacco) - in order to promote the positive side of a smoking addiction, big tobacco has introduced Clearie, a translucent lung that's made of glass designed to show how very little damage smoking does to your resperitory system.

2. Six Pack (from budweiser) - A fit man wearing skin-tight spandex will be introduced to sell the idea that drinking a six-pack of budweiser each day will give you a perfectly-sculpted six pack in your abdomen.

3. Dubya, M.D. (from our current administration) - a medical doctor with a stethoscope and a clipboard who will try to make sense of the cockamamie decisions our fearless leader in this country makes each day.

okay, now that last one was truly ridiculous.

how flying has evolved

i just booked a flight to go back home to new york in july on jet blue, the last airline i will ever take. seriously, if you haven't flown with jet blue, you're just a sadomasochist. they've reinvented flying by making it enjoyable - leather seats, bring your own food, more legroom and, of course, your own personal TV.

when you go to their website, you're able to not only book a flight, but also see what's on TV when you're in the air. basically, you can see what your in-flight entertainment could be (according to your will and viewing habits).

unfortunately, i'm flying on a sunday, otherwise known as the worst television day possible.

so my choices on that day are are as follows:

american chopper
vh1 classic all request hour
espn classic boxing
himalaya with michael palin
secret japanese aircraft of WWII
vegas do's and don'ts
celebrity justice

then again, it beats watching "house of wax" and a tepid episode of "just shoot me", followed by an episode of the "today" show filmed a month ago and en espanol for our spanish-speaking travellers.

so, then again, not so bad.

Monday, June 06, 2005

how deafness is underrated

these are among the sounds that my stomach made tonight, in no particular order:

1. an oncoming train on its way towards an earthquake
2. a trumpet played by oliver hardy
3. the boiling pot of water that cooked the rabbits in "fatal attraction"
4. the lead singer from the band "crash test dummies" on a heroin binge
5. darth vader during the second best orgasm of his life

yes, it should be an interesting night.

Friday, June 03, 2005

how eyesight is underrated

these are the things i saw in a three-hour span on thursday.

1. casket delivery at a funeral home.

2. a crazy woman fighting a shrub.

3. passing by jennifer love hewitt on kearney street by house of nanking. yep, both of her, up and down and up and down again. beautifully.

4. gawking at naomi campbell moping in the corner, and then her and her bodyguard suddenly rushing out of tosca on columbus.

it was a good day.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

how some ideas for life aren't really good ideas

god bless christian slater - hollywood bad boy, panasonic pitchman.

CHRISTIAN VO: "you're having a bad day. there's a hot chick. why not grope her ass? panasonic. ideas for life."

if only panasonic picked up on this earlier, they could have fired their agency. it practically writes itself.

2003: "be happily married. invite the happily engaged ben affleck to your house. why not also invite strippers? panasonic. ideas for life."

1997: "go to party. snort a lot of coke. why not assault your girlfriend and a police officer? panasonic. ideas for life."

1994: "have to be in new york. have a plane ticket. why not take your gun with you? panasonic. ideas for life."

it's easy. click here for other christian slater antics and write your own. it's fun for the whole family!