Friday, June 30, 2006

how there's no hope for this country

this is an actual quote from paris hilton, who is currently admired by today's youth (from

"I bought, like, a monkey, a tiger and some ferrets. I tried to bring them on a commercial flight and they wouldn't let me fly with all the animals. They said it wasn't a travelling circus. So I had to drive all the way home from Vegas in the limo with all these animals, there was like six. It was a lot."

i fear for the future.

how i've just been offered a lucrative part-time position overseas

these people just don't let up.

from the deepest recesses of my junk mail folder:

We are pleased to inform that there are vacancies for the position of offshore payment and receiving agent, first and foremost let me start by introducing our company to you. We own a company in the United Kingdom, we are into importation and exportation of Textile Materials to other companies especially in a few parts of Asia, Europe, and North America.

We are therefore pleased to inform you that vacancies exist in our foreign department as offshore representatives, and we will be very glad if you accept to be appointed as our representative in your country and earn 10% of every payment received by you on behalf of our company. We normally encounter problems when been paid, because it takes a while for American cheques to clear here in the United Kingdom.

Presently, we are been owed lots of money and some of the company's in question has agreed to begin installmental payment, if you are willing to assist, you will receive 10% of the total sum you collect on behalf of my company.All you have to do is to send the information below

my reputation as a worldly man of payment and receiving solutions has obviously preceded me.

i might be able to parlay this into a full-time gig as a drug mule.

how the almighty can write up a storm

there's a great editorial this week written by jesus christ in "the onion" that's absolutely worth reading.

i especially like how he capitalizes Himself.

how you don't have to be a baseball fan

to be amazed by this superhuman catch by red sox centerfielder coco crisp against my beloved mets.

and who said baseball players aren't athletic?

Thursday, June 29, 2006

how this public service announcement needs its own public service announcement

just saw a "the more you know" public service announcement from nbc that makes no sense.

some dude from "lost" says: "surfing the net is just like riding a wave in open water. you gotta look out for sharks. be careful out there".

and then we hear a woman VO that says, "brought to you by sleep train mattress centers."

okay, what?

why is a mattress store so concerned with online pedophiles? or identity theft? or computer viruses?

and second - can you be more cryptic with your advice? what are you alluding to, nbc? who are you concerned for? or are you really concerned about our welfare? maybe what they're saying is "watch out! make sure when you surf the net that you don't watch pirated clips from our shows on outlaw websites like youtube. only watch it on tv or our website, that's"

i'm dumbfounded. i don't know what to think and now i fear that the shark's gonna get me.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

how i usually keep a modicum of decorum

but there's something really funny about watching a nascar driver doing a stage dive and seeing him fall flat on his face.

in case you're wondering, it's the second dive that does it.

and for everyone who's been complaining that i've been blogging too much about sports, well, you're right. i have. and i'll keep it to a minimum.

but this isn't as much about sports as it is about gravity.

and, as newton found out under the apple tree, gravity is funny.

Monday, June 26, 2006

how james dolan is still an idiot

so the head of the knicks, james dolan, makes a public statement that isiah thomas has one year to right the ship or he's gone.


okay, i get that he's finally waking up to the fact that isiah is the worst man for the job. thank the lord on that. he's only three years too late. there's no argument there.

but by giving isiah an ultimatum, he's forcing his hand, which is to:

1. trade away all young assets for debilitating contracts in an effort to win now.
2. force more pieces that don't fit to play together.
3. take chances on players that you normally wouldn't.

yep. expect channing frye and david lee, two young, useful and cheap pieces to the puzzle, as good as gone. expect kenyon martin and his balky knee in. expect steve francis and stephon marbury to chuck up shots at a vomitous rate. expect desperate trades. expect our draft picks kaput.

expect the future - and the hopes of a forgiving salary cap, the only way to win a championship - gone because of a stupid ultimatum and a desperate grasp for the 8th seed in the eastern conference playoffs.

hey, who among us wouldn't react that way to keep a job they love?

so, in a vain grab at making the 2006-2007 somewhat useful, james dolan, our fearless leader, is getting the soil ready for digging a bigger grave.

again, idiot.

how there's comedy in reality

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. (AP) - Rush Limbaugh was detained for more than three hours Monday at Palm Beach International Airport after authorities said they found a bottle of Viagra in his possession without a prescription.

thanks, god.

how they've never been seen together in public

in case you're wondering, that's boy george on the left, and on the right, darth vader unmasked from "return of the jedi".

yeah. eerie.

how chinatown never disappoints

you know how you see a dj in the club, and he's got one of his headphones pressed in his ear to get the next song queued up, and he's kinda mouthing the beat to himself as he's doing this.

okay, get that image in your head. got it? good.

now today, while walking in chinatown, this is what i saw.

replace the dj with a rather odd older man, probably still living with his mother, with five long hairs emanating from his lucky mole.

replace the headphone pressed to his ear with a hot cup of coffee.

and replace the mouthing of a beat with a hummed rendition of "when the saints go marching in".

yep. there you have it. that's what i saw.

forget it, steve. it's chinatown.

how i was a gentleman in the early morning

as usual, i woke up, got dressed, brushed my teeth, picked up my pre-packed bags and ran for the 7:10am bus that takes me to the gym. since i'm getting off in a couple of stops, i usually sit in the front - and there was an empty seat waiting for me. my ass took it, and i plunked my laptop back and gym backpack on the floor, pressed against my seat. i am courteous like that.

a very large russian woman sat across from me. she was fanning herself like a geisha, and she had one of those small wheeling carts that old people use to carry their stuff.

she looks at me and says in harsh tones, "you must pick your bags up. there is no space."

"excuse me? sorry, didn't catch that."

"there is no space for walk. you must pick your bags up."

there was plenty of space for walk. "i'll be off in five stops. it's fine."

"no, it is not".

calmly. "ma'am, there's plenty of space."

"you must pick up your purse and put it in the seat next to you."


first off, i do not have a purse.

second, calm down, lady, it's 7:10 in the morning.

thirdly, she's got a shopping cart blocking most of the walkway. if she's so concerned about internal bus traffic moderation, why couldn't she pick it up and put it in the seat next to her?

fourthly, again, i do not have a purse.

so what did i say? nothing. that's right. i let it slide. yep. i said nothing. i did nothing.

at that moment, another man asked the bus driver, "sir, do you have a stop for locust?"

"no, there's a stop at maple and spruce. locust is in the middle."

"which one do you recommend?"

"doesn't matter."

the man sits down. and, at each stop, he asks, "is it this one?"

"no. i'll let you know."

again, he sits. and at the next stop.

"is it this one?'

"sir, i'll let you know."

so i've got the fanning russian woman across from me, and the naive and paranoid bus rookie to my right. finally, they get to maple, and the man gets off, walks down the steps and stops, gets back on and stops again. and now the russian woman who just gave me a dirty look is trying to get off - two stops before mine, might i add, so much ado about nothing - and she's barking "i need to get off. you must let me go" and she's right about that, which sucks, so finally the man lets her off and then he debates whether he should get off at this stop and walk a block, or get off at the next stop and walk a block.

finally, he decides to get off. or, rather, the bus driver shuts the door on him.

this is why i take the bus in the morning.

i could never make this shit up.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

how radiohead just threw down the gauntlet

there's a great article about radiohead in this week's new yorker. it said that they are basically an instrumental band, with their strongest instrument simply a voice.

well, their show last night was one of the best shows i've ever seen. and yeah, there's just something hypnotic about thom yorke's voice live. it echoes. it penetratres. it pierces. it's dreamlike in quality, and with the incoming fog from the city into berkeley, well, yeah, it was a nice place to be.

and the lighting and stage presence by the rest of the band just completely grips you. if you haven't seen them live, stop depriving yourself. i heard they were great. now i know.

here's the greek theater, by the way:

and here's radiohead playing live (seriously, that's them):

raconteurs, pearl jam and chili peppers - you're on notice. the stakes have been raised this summer.

how i love classic espn

i worked my ass off today, so i've earned a night of doing nothing.

and doing nothing tonight means watching a repeat of the 1981 NBA draft on espn classic - complete with poor lighting, bad graphics, crappy music over terrible highlights and commentators louie carnesecca and jim korvallis sitting way too close to each other. uncomfortably close. louie's wearing a face that says that there's a hand on his leg, and it doesn't belong to him.

the only things missing are david stern's mid-1980s mustache and craig sager wearing a neon orange suit.

oh. i caught on at the end. carnesecca just said that franklin edwards of cleveland state (future career stats: 36 total starts, 6.1 points per game) is in the class of tiny archibald.

yes, tiny archibald!

no "upsides". nobody is "long". but the players do have "big bodies". how times have changed.

okay, now i'm about to watch the 1982 draft.

and we're off. they just started off with a tron-like montage featuring seventeen different sports, one of them was basketball. and then, in crappy futura font, they typed in "1982 nba draft", just shoehorned in there. good job, USA network. way to make the nba feel special.

this season has louie returning for another uncomfortable go-around, and this time he's sharing his space with al albert. i guess louie called some people and had jim korvallis offed.

their levels are all off. the crappy musak - and it is musak - is waaay too loud, and louie is waaay too low. then again, after his franklin edwards comment, maybe it's for the better.

nba president larry o'brien obviously stopped by the blarney stone before the draft. he's tanked and muttering to himself. god knows what he smelled like at that point.

the lakers just picked james worthy. that worked out well. one of the smoothest players to ever lace up a pair of converses. lakers owner dr. jerry buss is being interviewed while wearing a mustache and members only jacket. is upper lip hair the entry into that club? maybe. maybe.

terry cummings just came to the main stage wearing a polo shirt. 1994 jalen rose just turned in his grave.

which is more shocking: the fact that utah originally drafted dominique wilkens, or louie carnesecca proclaiming that there's tremendous amount of action going around in salt lake city? obviously, 'nique didn't believe louie. i just did some reading up, and he was so upset at playing in that hotbed of action that he forced a trade to atlanta before the season began for john drew, freeman williams and cash. so he pulled an elway right before elway.

first big white guy stiff just drafted - bill garnett, who really looks out of place even at a time where nobody looks like an athlete. career stats: 4 seasons, 5.5 points a game. duh. don't worry, bill. we'll keep your "dungeons and dragons" game warm.

larry o'brien just went to the blarney stone for a quick one and now he's back. he said "lasalle thompson" correctly. impressive.

the knicks are now drafting. who was it in 1982? was it michael ray richardson? bill cartwright? sly williams? was sly a knick originally? ewing was in 1985. it wasn't gerald wilkins, 'cause 'nique just got drafted. bernard king maybe? did he really go sixth in this draft? trent tucker? not sixth. he was a late draft pick, right?

awesome. they just ran a commercial for nba cares about unicef featuring sue bird, lebron james, pau gasol, elton brand and...wait for it, wait for it...yes! dikembe mutombo. brrbrrbrrgrrgrrgrr. mumblebumblestumble. thank you, god.

they're talking about the knicks making a possible trade for truck robinson. wow. i remember that being a huge deal that really wasn't.

here's larry o'brien wearing a party hat. the knicks select...trent tucker. wow. really? i thought he was taken later.

well, that bombed. who else was available? actually, not much. fat lever. ricky pierce. paul pressey. not so bad considering the draft. bad quality for a sixth pick, though. hey, if bad luck was paid back for patrick ewing, i'd take it.

al albert just put his arm on the back of louie's chair. louie's now wearing a "do i have to call someone to handle this guy, too?" face.

okay, now that i've seen who else is in this draft, well, i've had enough.

larry o'brien, i'll meet you at the b-stone.

Friday, June 23, 2006

how to beautify an envelope

this has gotta be the coolest stamp ever - not just for subject, but also for layout, design and color. great job, united states postal service. ben franklin would be proud.

how i was badly mistaken

chewbacca's blog is not the best website around.

this one is.

and it's gonna take the best website ever to knock it off its perch.

how there's so much wrong with this

from the AP newswire:

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Selma Blair has filed for divorce from actor-writer Ahmet Zappa after two years of marriage.

Blair, 34, filed her petition Wednesday in Superior Court. The couple have no children.

Her screen credits include roles in "Cruel Intentions," "Legally Blonde" and "The Sweetest Thing." She stars in the upcoming "Purple Violets," directed by Ed Burns.

Zappa, 32, is the son of the late musician Frank Zappa.

okay, this leads me to many questions:

1. why was this even reported?
2. did it really need four paragraphs?
3. does the phrase "directed by ed burns" really mean anything other than it's probably gonna be quite boring and pretentious, and that he's gonna be starring in it because he's the only one who would hire himself? honestly, the guy's only made one halfway decent film. why not just say "set decoration by mila khalevich"?
4. since when does ed burns not need "writer and director of 'the brothers macmullen'" after his name to give credence to him? how about, "writer and director of 'she's the one'"? or 'sidewalks of new york'?
5. how much longer does ahmet zappa have to live for him to add something to "Zappa, 32, is the son of the late musician Frank Zappa"?
6. why did i read this?

how i wish i wrote this


Britney Spears was spotted in New York today with newly dyed black hair. I guess she was sick of all the jokes and felt it was time to change her image. Although somebody should point out people didn't think she was stupid because she was blonde, they thought she was stupid because she was really fucking stupid. You can put a donkey in a lab coat and tape a diploma to its back, but I'm pretty sure at the end of the day it still has no idea how to work a Bunsen burner.

how adam sandler made me laugh

he was on "the daily show" pimping his new movie "click", which is a great idea that is sure to be eroded by the complementary movie cliches that taint summer flicks.

anyways, he was talking about fatherhood, and he said, "you know, before my daughter was born, all i thought about was me. but now that my daughter's in my life, all i think about is the nanny".


how i'm going to see radiohead tomorrow night at the greek theater in berkeley

there's nothing more to add.

i mean, i'm gonna see one of the greatest bands of our generation live at one of the most gorgeous venues to see anything.

envy me. go ahead.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

how victories are wherever you find them

i just picked a long hair out of my right nostril.

it was black and not white.

it's usually white.

again, this one was black.


how this could be the best blog ever

no, i'm not talking about mine.

i'm talking about this.


how we should stop pretending

that americans really care about the world cup.

i mean, we want to see them do well, but we don't really care.

this means stop with the cutaways to times square to see the throng of american fans watching the game on the jumbrotron.

and by throng, i mean 15 or 16. and to be honest, they're waiting to cross the street.

enough already.

how it was hard for me to be a knicks fan with isiah thomas as general manager

it's gonna be downright excruciating for me now that larry brown is out and isiah thomas has also taken on the coaching reins.

so we took the one qualified guy in the organization, the genius coach, the championship coach, the guy who had one way of playing ball - the right way - which is also a winning way, the guy who is renown for completely turning around a team in his second season - and fired him after one year.

and we took the one guy who shouldn't be running a thing - who ran the CBA into the ground, who proved himself by crapping up the toronto raptors, who coached the indiana pacers to a couple of underachieving seasons - and gave him full control.

and by doing this, we empower stephon marbury, a guy who's won nothing his entire career and has inspired nothing but contempt from his teammates, to run the show.

great. the grave has been dug deeper.

of course, the guy who hired and fired these guys is the biggest fool of them all. he's the guy who has the loudest voice in the sports bar who doesn't know a damn thing about basketball but he thinks he does. and, since he knows he's loud and everyone has to hear him, he doesn't shut up. and every time he opens his mouth, you realize he's just an ignorant blowhard and he just makes a bigger ass of himself. but in this case, he's the owner, he's the guy we can't fire.

i hope these guys make a dent, because i'm at the end of my rope.

step in, david stern. step in. the city of new york needs your intervention.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

how you should never doubt richard dean anderson

here's a list of problems solved by macguyver. (thanks, tony)

if only i could solve my own problems using a rocket-propelled flare out of bamboo, fertilizer, matches, a strip of cloth, a small tin can, a thin metal rod, a funnel, and a wooden spoon.

how if duane allman knew about this idiot, he would have changed the lyrics to this

I woke up this morning, I had them Statesboro blues,
I woke up this morning, had them Statesboro blues.
Well, I looked over in the corner,
and grandpa seemed to have them too.

Well, my momma died and left me,
my poppa died and left me,
I ain't good looking baby,
want someone sweet and kind.

I'm goin to the country, baby do you wanna go?
I got the bartender's checkbook.
I'm a-gonna forge us some free beer
until he catches me

how i've noticed things while working in chinatown

and here's a list of them:

1. seriously, enough with the retro 80s vans slip-on shoes. enough. i would wear them at 80s parties because i was making fun of the 80s. they were ironic because, at one point, we thought they looked good, and then time proved those tastes wrong. but now, they look good? c'mon. they don't. you're just wearing them because they're in. stop it.

2. i might get ripped a new one for this, but i'll say it: if you're walking on a tight sidewalk in a tourist part of the city, and you're among a group of people who are abnormally overweight and it causes you to walk at an abnormally slow pace, please, for the love of god, keep in a single file. there are people behind you that want to get by. i know it sounds mean, but if i were seven feet tall, i would be so aware of my size that i would sit in the back of a movie theater. single file. that's all i ask.

3. under "occupation" in their tax forms, do vendors in chinatown put "trinket salesman"?

4. if there is no chinese word for "schedule", then why are elderly chinese women always in a rush? and why do they have to take out my knees to get to where they're going?

5. no city is as glorious as san francisco when the temperature is in the 70s.

that's all i got. it's all off my chest.

i feel emancipated.

how i'm waking up a half hour early tomorrow

and i'm gonna put my glasses on, trudge to the living room, maybe stretch my arms and legs out, turn on the telly, flick through the channels and then watch the united states play ghana in the world cup.

maybe have a beer or two.

yep. i'm talking 6:30 in the morning. before work.

just how our forefathers intended it to be.



Tuesday, June 20, 2006

how it's a bad day for good vibes

well, the bad guys won the nba championship.

in the fourth quarter, they had a pretaped interview with shaquille o'neal, and he said that he wanted to get a ring for coach riley, alonzo mourning, gary payton and dwyane wade.

now, for all intents and purposes, shaq comes across as a good guy. and it's cool he got his title before kobe did.

but pat riley, however, is the king of bad vibes. from the way he ditched the knicks (yeah, i'm still bitter) to the way he dumped stan van gundy this year, well, he reeks of it.

then he mentioned alonzo mourning, who signed a huge contract with the nets, then unfortunately contracted kidney disease, then watched as the nets still paid him and supported him through therapy, then demanded a trade the moment he was able to come back, and then refused to report to toronto when he was. yeah, no good vibes there.

and then there's gary payton, who achieved the virtually impossible task of being the least likeable nba superstar ever, someone who pouts at any available moment, someone who complained to the ref DURING GAME SIX and had a pass from his teammate bounce off his back. yeah, no good vibes there.

dwyane wade? he deserves everything good. what a ballplayer.

but riles, zo and payton?

your 2005-2006 nba champion, the miami heat. satan's wet dream.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

how to try to spend father's day while being 3000 miles away

obviously, i couldn't make it home to spend time with my father during his day. but here's a story about how i did spend it, and it's all relevant.

after i purchased my fourth couch (and hopefully my last), i walked over to borders bookstore and bought "from the streets to the ring: a son's struggle to become a man" by teddy atlas. in short, atlas is a boxing trainer who is known for training mike tyson as a teenager and michael moorer when he became heavyweight champion. he is best known for giving these insanely inspirational speeches between rounds to the mercurial moorer that have become boxing lore. he's now a commentator for "thursday night fights" on espn.

he's also a staten islander, and the son of a locally famous doctor, who in his case, was known for his generosity and philanthropy.

a quick aside: about ten years ago, my dad and i were in schaffer's bar in staten island when atlas came in for a beer. we're both big fight fans, and we were kinda star-struck when he walked in. my dad urged me to go shake his hand, and i did. my hand hurt from the moorer championship ring he had on his finger. but that's besides the point.

anyways, i just read the whole book, from page 1 to 273, in about five hours. it's a great book, centering not only on his career, but on all the small pieces of advice he learned from his dad, who was never around much due to his work. he became a wayward son, and his father never realized it because he just wasn't around that much. but he was learning these lessons, and how he really didn't realize what he was learning until he had to apply it. his father was a great man that he learned from. he just wasn't much of a dad.

but my dad has always been a great dad who always found time for me, and to this day, i'm still applying everything i learned from him. he attended all my games. we always ate dinner together. he made sure i became the man i am today, which is about half the man my dad is.

i guess what i'm saying is that i've never trained a heavyweight champion, i don't have a gig as an espn commentator, i don't have strange people walking up to me shaking my hand in a bar, but i'm about as lucky as anyone can be.

thanks, dad.

how one thing is perfectly clear from watching just one game of the nba finals

dirk nowitski < dwayne wade.

in fact, i'll take it one deeper:

the world < dwyane wade.

and it's not even close.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

how hockey could still be the coolest sport on earth

just watched the opening of game six of the stanley cup playoffs in edmonton.

they had an opera singer come out to sing the american and canadian national anthems. he's the same guy who's sung most of the year at oiler games.

anyways, he begins to sing the american national anthem, and the whole crowd - the whole canadian crowd - sings along, drowning him out. it's not even their anthem, and they were as vociferous as any american crowd.

then he began to sing the canadian national anthem (which is, for my money, the most gorgeous of all national anthems). and he sings about three or four lines, and then, he stops - and the crowd takes over and finishes.

c'mon, hockey. you've got the goods. you're gonna have to meet way more than halfway, but i'm pulling for you to come back to us.

how the world cup needs to be put into perspective

funny, as i was typing the title, the commentator just said "put into perspective".

anyways, i'm watching ghana take on the czech republic. ghana scored early. it's now the 24th minute, and the commentators are wondering if the czechs can "come back". you see, this is what i don't get about soccer - the overdramatizations. they're down by a goal. a goal is what you aim to do. if they do it once, they tie. i could see if they were down two. but they're down one, and anything can happen. stop with the "comeback".

someone just tripped and is carrying around like they were shot. that's the other overdramatic thing that bugs me: players acting like little girls after they're fouled. it's like i'm watching a field full of vlade divacs playing soccer.

which gets me thinking.

you know, after the US got blown out, everybody was mocking our soccer program nonstop. how could we lose to the czechs? we'll never be a worldwide power. how can a country this large play this small?

but what everyone doesn't realize - and again, the overdramatization - is that our top athletes are not playing soccer. i'm not saying they're not athletic or debating what type of sport is the most athletic. i'm just saying that our top athletes are not playing soccer. but, in other countries, they are.

but what if we did?

here's just one man's US soccer team, if our country's best athletes were in the program:

GOALIE - lebron james
DEFENDER - terrell owens
DEFENDER - kevin garnett
DEFENDER - ladanian tomlinson
MIDFIELDER - derek jeter
MIDFIELDER - lance armstrong
MIDFIELDER - dwyane wade
MIDFIELDER - oscar de la hoya
STRIKER - allen iverson
STRIKER - floyd mayweather, jr.
STRIKER - reggie bush

yeah, i'd think this team would dominate.

Friday, June 16, 2006

how macy's and others can kiss my big fat white ass

let's recap the last 48 hours of my life:

1. strange pain on my quad above my right knee caused by who knows what.
2. two months of work crapped up by my client.
3. five weeks of work ruined by a bad brief.
4. all my possessions at work - notebooks, art books, creative briefs - mysteriously moved or thrown away. has yet to be found. probably will not.

and, last but definitely not least...

5. for the second time in ten weeks, macy's fails to deliver a couch i ordered. last time, it arrived with a shattered leg. this time, i get a call that it's "missing a leg" and "has a cracked frame". ladies and gentlemen, i give you macy's department store, a company that sells stuff it cannot deliver.

like i said before, ladies and gentlemen, macy's can kiss my big fat white ass.

i type this post, by the way, from an inflatable bed that i've bent in half to act like my temporary couch. it's rather comfortable, actually. too bad i am not in college.

did i mention that my cabdriver almost got into a fistfight with a man that he almost cut off? did i mention that?

and did i mention that none of the items i have listed are my fault?

there's no way to miss the point of all this. i am painting on progress.

stay far away from me.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

how dogs beat cats

unlike a cat, a dog will never resemble hitler.

that's why dogs rule.

how we all relected this guy

my friend paal sent me this e-mail. it's worth copying-and-pastying.

The Stupidest Things President George W. Bush Has Ever Said

10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

9) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000

8) "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

7) "You work three jobs? Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb.4, 2005

6) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

5) "There's an old saying in Tennessee I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee that says, fool me once, shame on shame on you. Fool me you can't get fooled again." Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

4) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

3) "They misunderestimated me." Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

2) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

1) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

how this poorly written sign might have just nailed life as we know it

damn you, progress! i glossy on you and your forward thinking! long live the status quo! long live the status quo!

actually, i think that ill-grammared painter might be onto something deep. i mean, it's progress. what is it good for? absolutely nothing. say it again.

or maybe it was a deep philosophical cry-for-help from a man whose life has relegated him to painting a car garage on bush street in san francisco, and he knows that with each brush stroke, he further buries himself under another job that's taking him nowhere, so, in effect, he is painting on the progress of his own life. and this, this three word opus, is how this glossied shakespeare reaches out for someone to save him from the abyss of his destiny.


how the oldest language on the planet is incomplete

i was walking behind two chinese gentlemen yesterday in chinatown. they were having either a loud intimate conversation or a loud disagreement. it's very difficult to figure out which. anyways, they're talking to each other in chinese, except for one word in english: schedule.

so it's like: djojw fioejnfowd dmeidnewon cndndfc schedule didweifcnw eiwjn dmewdfno schedule njsdnc.

there's no way that there's no chinese word for "schedule".

luckily enough, my cabdriver last night was chinese. so, of course, i asked him. and, after a nice pause, he answered, "no. there is no chinese word for schedule. at least, not quite".

that language is like 4000 years old. i can't believe that culture has gone on that long without schedules.

anyways, when i got out, my cabbie told me i should google "hong kong bus uncle". so i did. and it's fantastic.

which makes me wonder: is there a chinese word for lunatic?

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

how i ignore these rich, pompous, overrated coinslots until it involves my boys


June 14, 2006 -- PARIS Hilton is so upset that Lindsay Lohan has been seeing her ex, Greek playboy Stavros Niarchos, she screamed insults at Lohan at Butter on Monday night. Witnesses report Hilton went up to Lohan and shouted, "I can't believe you and Stavros! You are ridiculous!" After taking more insults and curses, Lohan said, "That's how you say hello? I don't need to respond to you." Lohan promptly left. A rep for Lohan said, "Correct. Paris tried to pick a fight with her and started screaming at her, but Lindsay took the high road." After Lohan left, Hilton did a striptease for N.Y. Knick David Lee, Eli Manning and a bunch of other N.Y. Giants.


Tuesday, June 13, 2006

how to follow up on the born again

so they actually wrote a full article with photos detailing stephen baldwin's appearance in staten island. and i was there to steal it.

here's the born again baldwin, in all his glory (or at least what passes for glory when your career is now at c-level):

and here's the insides of his born again mobile:

and here you go if you want to read the truly enthralling article about this momentous occasion that will surely be talked about for decades and passed along generations.

Monday, June 12, 2006

how only the brilliant writing on "the daily show"

can put the phrases "virgin wrangler", "cherry orchid's gonna have some bruised fruit" and the best al-zarqawi death video ever into a tight two very funny minutes.

welcome back, samantha bee.

how this might be the funniest movie in the whole u. s. and a.

borat's got a movie coming out, yes? and here's the trailer, yes?

how this has been distributed without my expressed written consent

here's a video of me when i went to surf camp in costa rica a couple of years ago. i was hoping this wouldn't get out. it's embarrassing what happens to me at the end in the whitewater. i clearly misread the ocean floor at that point, and the energy overwhelmed me. i got wet.

again, it's embarrassing. i'm a much better surfer than this.

how it was twelve years ago today

happy anniversary, orenthal james simpson, for the 12th year anniversary of the night you made every jealous and violent ex-husband very proud.

for what it's worth, i remember exactly where i was when i heard the news, when the white bronco chase happened and when the verdict was reached.

i can only wonder where i'll be when he finds the real killers.

how there's big news, and then there's this

from, the online source for the staten island advance.

Monday, June 12, 2006

11:36 a.m. - Actor Stephen Baldwin will be visiting Staten Island later today to pick up his newly customized car at Wheel Concepts, Midland Beach.

As a born-again Christian, Baldwin is planning to take his new wheels on a nationwide tour to preach about God.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

how TO is always old school

in case you can't get enough terrell owens in your life, you can now order his vintage collectible special edition 2004 wall calendar at a discounted rate of $5. and yes, in case you're wondering, there is a photo of a barechested TO standing next to a tiger. act now before supplies run out.

my favorite part of this is at the bottom: "this product was added to our catalog on wednesday, 19 october, 2005."

yes, a full ten months after there was no use for the calendar.

i don't know how or why JR found this and sent this to me, but god bless you, my man. you indeed do god's work.

as always, TO + JR = ha.

how to catch up on netflix this weekend

two reviews from dvds that have been sitting on my table for at least a month:

starring jake gyllenhall, peter sarsgaard and jamie foxx
directed by sam mendes

this movie didn't get the highest of reviews when it premiered. maybe that was because so much was expected of mendes but also of editor walter murch and the cast. but i really dug it, i really did. i thought it was a really interesting war story to tell - of going mad by waiting for war, and then not being able to do your job when it begins. gyllenhall was good, but as usual, sarsgaard stole the show, this time in a completely non-creepy way. it's beautifully shot - mendes can sure pick his color pallette and cinematographers - and, well, i never lost interest. i was totally into it from start to finish. isn't that all you can ask from a movie?

a history of violence
starring viggo mortensen and maria bello
directed by davis cronenberg

it's funny how i just wrote that all you can ask from a movie is that you be into it from start to finish. right now, i'm writing this review as the movie plays. it completely lost me in the first twenty minutes by being so slow moving. i paid attention to the major parts, but the storyline was/is just to scarce for me to give a shit. nothing happens at all between the main plot points. of course, it's beautifully shot by cronenberg - i mean, that's why he's chosen to direct it too - and it's a good idea. it just did nothing for me.

Friday, June 09, 2006

how every steak i've ever eaten in my life just got knocked down a notch

so, during last night's monthly "steak night" extravaganza, i just ate the most amazing piece of meat ever.

it's at this place in town called boboquivari's the steak.

a little background: they age their steaks 6-8 weeks before it hits your mouth. that's what peter luger's does, too. and, because of that, it was just, well, juicy, and rich, a little buttery (but natural tasting), and smooth and soft and just...well, i wept internally when i finished my last piece. even the fat was delicious.

it was otherwordly good. in fact, this is what the heavens must taste like.

we debated whether or not to order another steak between the three of us to share.

but we decided to wait another month for it.

my mouth waters.

how i say hooray for soccer

i'm actually looking forward to this year's world cup. i hear it's a big deal overseas.

there's been enough advertising to go around championing it - and i 'm kinda digging most of it and i think it's a good thing we get to know ronaldhino and thierry henry. i am torn, however, with that gatorade ad that plays an instrumental version of "take me out to the ballgame" while showing soccer clips. then again, it pissed me off, and it got my attention, and i think that was the point.

point taken.

speaking of, this is the coolest outdoor ad i've seen in such a long time:

okay, back to the games. i'm actually going to go out of my way to see the american team play in the next couple of weeks. i'll download the games. maybe hit a bar. maybe listen on the radio. whatever's clever, really. it's as much about national pride as it is being a part of a tidal wive. other countries are all about their national team. why can't i?

the difference is that it's not life-and-death out here. it's not like the teams we grew up with. what i'm saying is that, when we lose, i won't cry or stab somebody with a broken bottle. this whole thing almost feels like a hobby, really. but that's okay. it'll be a three-week hobby. and even if we don't make it to the round of 16, well, that's okay too.

that's when i pull for italy.

how let's not get ahead of ourselves

but i like that 21-year-old mets phenom lastings milledge is now in the same class as chuck norris and jack bauer.


Lastings Milledge Facts:

1. Lastings Milledge isn't a 5 tool player. Lastings Milledge has more than 100 tools, many of which are unknown to most baseball scouts.

2. Lastings Milledge wasn’t slapping fives with fans after his first big league homerun. He was healing lepers and cripples.

3. Keith Hernandez thinks a girl’s place is in the dugout as long as they're on the arm of Lastings Milledge.

4. Lastings Milledge doesn’t hit 8th. Those seven other guys are just warming up the pitcher for the first real at bat of the game.

5. Shea Stadium is no longer known as a pitcher’s park now that Lastings Milledge hits there.

6. Lastings Milledge can fix Victor Zambrano in ten minutes.

7. Lastings Milledge has taught Willie Randolph how to execute a double switch.

8. Johnny Damon wishes he can have Lastings Milledge’s hair.

9. When Steve Trachsel deliberates on the mound, he’s thinking of all the ways Lastings Milledge will help the Mets win.

10. Light has to kick it into high gear just to try and keep up with Lastings Milledge’s bat speed.

11. Lastings Milledge’s three children will be named Turner, Citizen’s Bank and the House That Ruth Built.

12. Lastings Milledge also has an illegitimate child. He was born in 1895 and his name is Babe Ruth.

13. Billy Wagner likes to warm up just to watch Lastings Milledge play right field.

14. Alex Ochoa and Alex Escobar carry pictures of Lastings Milledge in their wallet to remind them of the players they should have become.

15. Confucius quotes Lastings Milledge.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

how the best pick-up line ever is going international

from, in honor of the world cup:

• English: You’re with me, leather.
• Dutch: U bent met me, Leer.
• French: Vous etes avec moi, cuir.
• German: Sie sind mit mir, Leder.
• Italian: Siete con me, cuoio.
• Portuguese: Voce e com mim, couro.
• Spanish: Usted esta con mi, cuero.
• Pig Latin: You’reay ithway emay, Eatherlay.
• Swedish Chef: Yuoo’re-a veet me-a, Leezeer. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp!

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

how a german will hold the gold

in every other part of the world, people would assume that this post is about the world cup.

but i'm talking about dirk nowitski.

i'm picking the mavs to beat the heat for the nba championship in what has been a fantastic nba playoff season - and i'm someone who generally loathes the nba style of play.

let me break it down.

the heat have two big stars - shaq and dwyane wade. and they're both playing fantastic ball right now. just fantastic.

the mavs have big dirk, who has been superhuman. but what they have and the heat don't are defensive options.

the mavs are the deepest team in the nba. and they actually match up very well against the heat's stars. dwyane wade will be covered by adrian griffin, marquise daniels and josh howard. i'm not saying they're gonna stop him; nobody can. but avery johnson is smart enough to keep a fresh body on wade at all times. he'll be playing 1-on-3.

and shaq's gonna have to contend with erick dampier and desagana diop. not that those two players can even be mentioned in the same sentence as him, but they each offer the same thing: size and fouls. dampier and diop are big boys. and shaq's a horrible foul shooter. they'll make him work for it. that's all you can ask.

and, at some points but not for long, the mavs will go small. and shaq's gonna have to guard dirk. and that will be the biggest mismatch of them all.

and that's my point. who's gonna guard dirk? posey and walker are too small. haslem's too slow. mourning and shaq will be embarrassingly exploited.

not that the mavs have answers to shaq and wade, but they've got options.

the heat have none of that for dirk.

and, at this point of the game, it's all about matchups.

advantage: mavs in six.

POINT OF DISCLOSURE: the writer would like to point out that his feelings of contempt for pat riley had in no way tainted his preview and prediction for this series. although he still firmly believes that pat riley is indeed a scumbag.

how all crazy people have a new measuring stick to aim for

here's a video of the craziest person on the planet. i know that's a large claim to make. i know there's a lot of firm competition out there for that title. but i firmly believe this statement, and this is coming from someone who relies completely on public transportation.

once again: this moron is far and away the biggest lunatic on the planet.

for the record, i'm not referring to either hannity or colmes.

somewhere in heaven, jesus is wearing fake glasses and a mustache and claiming ignorance on this matter.

IMMEDIATE UPDATE: perennial craziest person contender ann coulter has responded to the abdication of her crown with this coldhearted attack on the widows of 9/11. we hear you loud and clear, ann coulter. you one crazy bitch.

i can't wait to see how tom cruise reacts.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

how if you happen to be in either los angeles, houston, miami, atlanta or atlantic city

you might want to drop on by and say "happy 45th birthday" to noted international sprinter/long jumper/first pitch thrower/music video star carl lewis. the celebration lasts for sixteen days over five different states. and the less you wear, the more. it says so in the invitation.

you know, i just watched his video for "break it up" again, and i feel like i just had the best 45th birthday gift ever, and i still have 13 more birthdays to get there. thanks, carl!

cue the bubbles.

how to bring you a blast from the past

ladies and gentlemen, the one and only afro ninja.

stay down, stay down, stay down, don't try to get up.

how the obvious still isn't obvious to everyone

i'm britney spears.

i have gajillions of dollars.

i meet a wigger with no talent and a sketchy background. he leaves his pregnant wife for me.

i marry him.

we begin a beautiful life together. i get comfortable enough that i begin to "let myself go" because this one is the one and we share more than physical attraction. eventually i get pregnant with his child. he's very good at doing that.

when my baby pops out, he begins to fade away. he spends more time with his friends. he spends all the money i made in my career. in fact, he refuses to have a career, not counting the time when he records a crappy rap album. i barely see him and, when i do, we fight in public.

things aren't going so well.

so i do what most self-respecting woman from my upbringing would do to save a relationship: get pregnant again.

but i don't think this is working either. we can't stand each other.

so now i'm forced to use my secret weapon. yep, that's right: i'm gonna wear curlers in my hair and look as sloppy as humanly possible.

if this don't work, i'll be forced to go to my extra secret weapon plan. and, to get it done just right, i happen to know the perfect tattoo artist.

how it's all about tony

everyone i've talked to has been ripping the season finale of "the sopranos".

and, i gotta tell you, for a season finale, i don't necessarily disagree. i could have done without the scene in the hospital with tony and phil leotardo. it sapped the tension away for the next six months.

but, after thinking about it, i really liked the episode, especially the ending, as what it was concepted to be - as a series finale.

we're at the sopranos house for christmas. attending are his turkeynecked nephew christapha, who sleeping with the woman tony wants. his feckless son AJ is there with his puerto rican/dominican/catholic older girlfriend and her son. meadow, his level-headed daughter, seemingly escaped to california, he has the spector of new york killing someone close to him hanging over his head.

and yet, AJ's girlfriend tells carmela, "you have a lovely house, mrs. soprano".

and when you think about it, that's exactly what the show is about: keeping up appearances. tony goes to therapy because his life is out-of-control and he's questioning everything, but as a boss, he can't show it. he needs his exterior to portray one thing although the insides are all over the place.

simply, his house is a mess, but he has to make it appear like it's in order.

which makes that last line so right for a series finale.

but for a season finale? could've been better.

Monday, June 05, 2006

how you're with me, blog

it's hard for me to put into words how psyched i am that this line got its own wikipedia page. it's my favorite line ever, and i use it each day in many different forms.

congrats to everybody.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

how to turn around a pathetic franchise

the awful kansas city royals, tired of being the laughingstock of professional sports, fired their embattled GM in lieu of rising star GM drayton moore.

but they didn't stop there. they also hired hitting guru/videotape instructor/drill sergeant tom emanski, creator of the popular "teaching the mechanics of..." baseball video series.

the hiring was endorsed by fred mcgriff.

maybe, if they play baseball "the emanski way", they can one day be back-to-back-to-back AAU national champions.

okay, those last two jokes are really funny if you've seen those commercials.