Sunday, June 25, 2006

how i love classic espn

i worked my ass off today, so i've earned a night of doing nothing.

and doing nothing tonight means watching a repeat of the 1981 NBA draft on espn classic - complete with poor lighting, bad graphics, crappy music over terrible highlights and commentators louie carnesecca and jim korvallis sitting way too close to each other. uncomfortably close. louie's wearing a face that says that there's a hand on his leg, and it doesn't belong to him.

the only things missing are david stern's mid-1980s mustache and craig sager wearing a neon orange suit.

oh. i caught on at the end. carnesecca just said that franklin edwards of cleveland state (future career stats: 36 total starts, 6.1 points per game) is in the class of tiny archibald.

yes, tiny archibald!

no "upsides". nobody is "long". but the players do have "big bodies". how times have changed.

okay, now i'm about to watch the 1982 draft.

and we're off. they just started off with a tron-like montage featuring seventeen different sports, one of them was basketball. and then, in crappy futura font, they typed in "1982 nba draft", just shoehorned in there. good job, USA network. way to make the nba feel special.

this season has louie returning for another uncomfortable go-around, and this time he's sharing his space with al albert. i guess louie called some people and had jim korvallis offed.

their levels are all off. the crappy musak - and it is musak - is waaay too loud, and louie is waaay too low. then again, after his franklin edwards comment, maybe it's for the better.

nba president larry o'brien obviously stopped by the blarney stone before the draft. he's tanked and muttering to himself. god knows what he smelled like at that point.

the lakers just picked james worthy. that worked out well. one of the smoothest players to ever lace up a pair of converses. lakers owner dr. jerry buss is being interviewed while wearing a mustache and members only jacket. is upper lip hair the entry into that club? maybe. maybe.

terry cummings just came to the main stage wearing a polo shirt. 1994 jalen rose just turned in his grave.

which is more shocking: the fact that utah originally drafted dominique wilkens, or louie carnesecca proclaiming that there's tremendous amount of action going around in salt lake city? obviously, 'nique didn't believe louie. i just did some reading up, and he was so upset at playing in that hotbed of action that he forced a trade to atlanta before the season began for john drew, freeman williams and cash. so he pulled an elway right before elway.

first big white guy stiff just drafted - bill garnett, who really looks out of place even at a time where nobody looks like an athlete. career stats: 4 seasons, 5.5 points a game. duh. don't worry, bill. we'll keep your "dungeons and dragons" game warm.

larry o'brien just went to the blarney stone for a quick one and now he's back. he said "lasalle thompson" correctly. impressive.

the knicks are now drafting. who was it in 1982? was it michael ray richardson? bill cartwright? sly williams? was sly a knick originally? ewing was in 1985. it wasn't gerald wilkins, 'cause 'nique just got drafted. bernard king maybe? did he really go sixth in this draft? trent tucker? not sixth. he was a late draft pick, right?

awesome. they just ran a commercial for nba cares about unicef featuring sue bird, lebron james, pau gasol, elton brand and...wait for it, wait for it...yes! dikembe mutombo. brrbrrbrrgrrgrrgrr. mumblebumblestumble. thank you, god.

they're talking about the knicks making a possible trade for truck robinson. wow. i remember that being a huge deal that really wasn't.

here's larry o'brien wearing a party hat. the knicks select...trent tucker. wow. really? i thought he was taken later.

well, that bombed. who else was available? actually, not much. fat lever. ricky pierce. paul pressey. not so bad considering the draft. bad quality for a sixth pick, though. hey, if bad luck was paid back for patrick ewing, i'd take it.

al albert just put his arm on the back of louie's chair. louie's now wearing a "do i have to call someone to handle this guy, too?" face.

okay, now that i've seen who else is in this draft, well, i've had enough.

larry o'brien, i'll meet you at the b-stone.

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