Friday, December 30, 2005

how there's always something on (or, how the unintentional always tops the intentional)

i was flipping through the telly tonight at 12:30 - and with this being the week between christmas and new year's, well, there was even more nothing on than usual. everything a repeat. nothing intriguing. movies unwatchable.

so i found my way to community access tv, and a program called "staten island comedy show". i had nothing to lose.

my god.

okay, so i'll set the scene: there were six people, a dummy and a sock puppet sitting around a table. in theory, they were comedians and one singer. and they would get up, do their bit and then sit down for an uncomfortable conversation.

think carson, except crap.

i flipped to the show as a woman was doing her bit - a horribly unfunny joke about a man with a lisp which didn't have a punchline other than the woman talking with a lisp. it was, in a word, offensive. and in more words, unfunny and cruel. she also told a joke about how her friend wanted to go to hell's kitchen, and she replied that she wasn't hungry. is there an older joke about new york? is there? seriously, let me know.

anyways, she finally sat down, and it was the ventriloquist's turn, and his big bit was that his dummy couldn't add 5 and 5 together. somehow, when he wrote that, he expected laughter. somehow, that was supposed to be funny.

what was funny, by the way, was how much in hysterics the panel was at every joke told at that point - and how much i was in hysterics at how much they were in hysterics.

and then, the musical guest - and by musical guest, i mean a singer wearing a short sleeved sequined shirt - stood up and asked for track #3 on his karaoke machine, which was "this magic moment" by jay black and the americans. and, i'm gonna be honest with you - he sucked. and trust me, i know about sucky singers. i am one. and this guy sucked shit. think neil diamond, except nothing like neil diamond at all.

okay, he really wasn't all that terrible. he had a couple of lame attempts for jokes - including the one joke that might be older than the hell's kitchen gag, saying that staten island should be pronounced "is that an island?" you know, they usual you hear before the age of five when you grow up here. what was funny about him, however, was how he got feedback every time he sang the words "this magic moment". i laughed my ass off.

did i mention the graphic? they misspelled his last name.


how do i shut this off? why would i?

the next comedienne was a survivor of colon cancer - and as we all know, colon cancer survivors are a laugh riot. of course, you give her the benefit of the doubt. but she was completely awful. there just weren't jokes anywhere in her routine. i mean, i really wanted to laugh, really wanted to support her - she's been through enough - but there was nothing. nothing! but what made me laugh was the panel, who laughed aloud at the jokes at the wrong time, confusing her throughout.

but she's a cancer survivor. god bless her.

so as she's doing her bit, we all of a sudden hear a crinkling sound. and, behind this inspiration of a woman, we see that the host of the show is crumpling up a piece of paper - but he's doing it right by the mic on his chest, so the sound is deafening. so now i'm watching this guy, 'cuz i have to now, and as the cancer survivor is doing her routine, he throws his crumpled up piece of paper at someone on the panel.

and as she continues her bit, the paper flies back at the host.

seriously, could i make this up?

then they announce that the host (who at this point has added nothing at all to the conversations) and the singer actually have a sports show, and they cut to a clip from it. they were both wearing rastafarian wigs (why?) and they were breaking down the houston-indianopolis football game (and i'm only spelling indianopolis that way because that's how they spelled it on their chalkboard). the host gave his assessment of the texans with this amazing piece of scrutinizing analysis - brace for it, here it comes - "there are more holes in houston than in the grand canyon".


they came back to the panel, and the singer says, "boy we were winners!" - he was talking about the pick but it was so unintentionally sarcastic. could not be funnier.

did i mention that i couldn't breathe by now from laughter?

the host then asked the dummy why the pony couldn't talk. the answer? 'cuz it was a little horse. everyone erupted. what?

the host and the sock puppet then showed a pre-taped clip of their adventures in a cockpit. but the audio was all messed up and you couldn't understand a thing they said. it was awful, awful, awful stuff. why air it? did they check it out beforehand? didn't they know? then they came back to the panel and he had to explain the joke and the bit which wasn't worth it to begin with.

seriously, i can't make this up.

at this point, i shut it off. i didn't want to ruin the show. i mean, seriously, it was the best hour of television i could have asked for - all completely unintentional, everyone taking it seriously, all the worst jokes you can ask for. if they had tried to had make this exact show on purpose, it would have been even worse. it was far too amazing for people none too clever.

i can't wait for the next episode.

how it's like obvious, butt wipe

i haven't watched "beavis and butthead" in about 15 years, but there it was, on something called mtv2. and it's still the best written show on television.

seriously, i forgot how funny it was, and such a completely original show. plus, it had the first appearance of hank hill, even though i don't think it took place in arlen and i'm not sure if he had a name.

anyways, the yellow starbursted b&bh logo is in the corner, but it's kinda cut off by the obnoxiously large mtv2 logo. no big deal. but three times during the half-hour show, a bar came over the screen that read "you are currently watching 'beavis and butthead' on mtv2."

yeah, no shit, asswipe.

not only do i see those logos on the bottom right, but it's the only reason i'm watching this channel, and who else do i think those two animated characters are? and seriously, if i'm here, and if you're already telling me what i'm watching in the bottom right, then why do you need to tell me again? for reinforcement?

it's why i'm here, buttmongers.

yeah, yeah, yeah, buttmongers.


yeah, huh, cool.

yeah. yeah.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

how it wasn't beauty that killed the beast

i just saw peter jackson's "king kong", and far be it for me to comment on his work, but i have some issues. then again, keep in mind that i loved the film and that you really can't remake a film that much better.

for me, the fight scenes on the island were too long and that the beginning of the film was a little too cheesy, but all that is up for people's own interpretation and tastes. those are opinions.

but there's something glaring.

in the original, the beast formed a bond with fay wray. she wasn't necessarily courting him or attached to him. in fact, she was terrified of him. and it was kong escaping with her to the top of the empire state building that lead to his eventual death. 'twas beauty that killed the beast. no truer words ever ended a movie.

in this one, however, the beast and naomi watts form a bond with each other. she becomes almost loyal to him, thankful with how he protected her. and that bond matters on top of the empire state building, where she tries to protect him from the oncoming helicopters. it's like she's repaying him with her form of protection. i like this part of it. the actual storytelling might not be all that realistic, but there's a human side to it that just tugs at you.

but then he falls to his death, and jack black says, "'twas beauty that killed the beast".

but it didn't. it was beauty that tried to save the beast. it was beauty that protected him. it was beauty that cried when he fell.

greed, fame, prestige, money, fear...those were the things killed the beast in this movie.

peter jackson got that wrong.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

how to emasculate myself unintentionally

because of my cold/flu, i've been breathing from my mouth for the past five days. and because of that, my lips are chapped.

so i had to buy chapstick.

i hate chapstix. not that i don't like the idea of it or how it tastes, but i hate that it looks like i'm applying lipstick on my mouth.

i'm a guy. i don't do lipstick on myself.

but i had to. and i am completely emasculated.

so i've been wondering what other somewhat innocent things i can do to make myself look and feel like someone who has his balls in a jar.

here's an incomplete list:
- share an umbrella with another man
- drink from a straw
- fall gracefully
- order a mohito

more to come.

how it's no longer time to make the donuts or to creep people out

farewell, my hitler-stached friend. a crueller will never be the same.

also, actor vincent schiavelli died. you might not know his name, but he played the creepy teacher in "fast times at ridgemont high" and the creepy ghost from "ghost". and he was married to miss dipesto from "moonlighting".

and if you're wondering what the child of miss dipesto and vincent schiavelli would look like, here ya go. and, amazingly, he's exactly what i would have imagined.

funny how life works out like that.

how to find a reason for insanity

just a scant three months after splitting from her first husband (and with their divorce papers not even finalized), tori spelling is getting married again, this time to 39-year-old actor nobody dean mcdermott.

it's obvious that she's careening out of control. and i wonder, probably regretfully now, how different her life would be if she had only eaten anything - like a little garden salad or a snickers bar - on the day of her famous beverly hills high prom, before she drank way too much and way before she fainted in front of mrs. teasley.

and if that weren't traumatic enough, to be suspended the day before she graduates, sentenced to summer school - summer school! - only for it to be lifted at the very last moment with the help of a chanting student body, well, those incidents can jar even the most grounded person.

i understand, tori. you're lost. but it's not your fault.

it's not your fault.

Monday, December 26, 2005

how to find the best christmas card ever

this is the christmas card that i gave my uncle for christmas, knowing that he would find it funnier than most.

and he did.

hope all y'all had a happy holiday.

i'm talking to all seven of you.

how to hate holiday advertising

the two things i hate about the holidays are the complementary chest cold i get when i travel to new york and, more disgustingly, all the terrible advertising.

to begin with, there's gross superficiality stereotypes of people, especially women. in fact, if i were a woman in this country, i'd be outraged at how superficial and shallow i'm made out to be in these spots. just watch any jewelry commercial. the one that i hate the most is where the woman waits up for her husband (i guess) and a snow plow drops him off (i think) or maybe he stole it to get home and they hug outside as snow falls on them and then he gives her a ring and she hugs him even harder. seriously, wtf? is that ring worth more?

seriously, that's the template for every single jewelry spot. insulting.

but what really sets me off are the horrifyingly bad car commercials with their unconvincing winter/christmas/holiday sales specials (valid until the spring sales begin, by the way). they're usually punny or completely ridiculous.

here's the two i hate the most. i've converted them into scripts. and i hope those who wrote them and approved them see this and feel great shame.


we open on a board meeting. a bunch of executives are debating vociferously. there are charts and graphs scattered around the room. and, at the tensest moment, they all stop at once, and their eyes move to a chorus suddenly appearing in the doorway.

and as they begin to sing, we cut back to the busy executives, now caught up in the festive moment.

chorus: we wish you a happy honda day. we wish you a happy honda day. we wish you a happy honda day, for a happy new year.

cut to a quick montage of all the special deals a consumer can buy if they act now.

i hate that spot on so many levels. allow me to break it down.

1. how did the carolers even get inside the building?
2. why are they singing about hondas?
3. why do the executives give a shit? they haven't heard the deal yet.
4. was that pun the best they can do?
5. and that song is poorly written.

i don't want to talk about this anymore. so here's another.


we open on a woman on the internet. she's trying to decide what to buy her husband for christmas.

she's on a golfing website. maybe she'll buy him a driver. maybe she'll get him a new golf bag.

no. that won't do. she looks outside the window, and she sees a lexus with a bow on top of it. her eyes open. aha! and then the car pulls away, revealing that the bow was actually on top of a gate.

cut to a quick montage of all the special deals a consumer can buy if they act now.

end with the husband seeing the new lexus bought for him. he hugs his wife.

i have many gripes about this, but i'll focus on these two.

1. okay, she's looking on a golfing website. maybe a driver. maybe a bag. at the very most, we're looking at a purchase of a couple of hundred dollars. if she gets both, maybe she's spending $750 - and that's very extremely high-end. for most people, think $300. so her budget is less than a thousand. so she goes off and buys a car for somewhere around $60,000, blowing her budget by, oh, $59,000. makes complete sense.

2. how many "december to remembers" can you have? it's like the fifth year straight, and i don't remember any of them specifically. why is this december worth remembering over last year's what was worth remembering? huh? who? what?

this is how i roll when i'm sick.

how to steal from a better website

okay, it's not really stealing, but i don't really know how to link from my blog to another that is constantly updating as much as the ultrafantastic so i copy and paste and then put all of it into italics. that's how i roll.

anyways, here's an article they posted about johnny damon singing with the yankees and how they statistically showed that they overpaid. enjoy.

and check them out sometimes. it's an amazing blog.

What Did a Win Cost?

Via the USA Today Salary Database, I calculate the total salary paid in 2005 was $2.135 billion. With that number in hand, we can calculate how much a win cost in 2005. Since there are 15 *162 games, there are 15*162 wins. That makes the cost per win about $880,000 dollars.

We can calculate win shares for each player. Each win share is worth 1/3 of a win, or approximately $293,000 per win share.

I bring this up because I wonder just how much the Yankees are overpaying for Johnny Damon. Damon posted 25 win shares in 2005. That was worth 7.3 million (the Red Sox paid 8.2 million). Damon would need to post 44 win shares in 2006 for his contract to be worth the money in terms of win shares.

Of course, everything balances. Damon is getting over paid now for above average past performances. Jason Bay put up 30 win shares last year, worth 8.8 million but only received $660,000. At some point, he'll be over payed for this season, too.

Friday, December 23, 2005

how to have my own highlight

yeah, steve (staten island, ny) is me.

and if you can't access the chat about mid-major basketball:

steve (staten island, ny): how about some love for the wagner seahawks?

Kyle Whelliston: Here's some. Third-best three-point shooting team in the country, almost took down UCLA, and they have an awesome coach in Mike "The Ice Man" Deane. I want to see them play some conference games against the other NEC three-point bombers, though. If Durell Vinson (their big guy) has a great year, they win that conference.


how to back up my claim

here's the "chronicles of narnia" rap from last week's "saturday night live" that was seriously the funniest bit they've done this season.

enjoy, yo.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

how to be disappointed by the chinese

i had chinese food tonight with my parents from the same chinese food place i've been eating from since birth. after the usual good dinner, i was handed a fortune cookie, and after the ceremonial shatter, my paper read "god will lead you to wealth and prosperity".

god will lead me to wealth and prosperity.

that is not a fortune. it's a prophesy.

and i'm distraught.

i expect my fortune cookies to give me little hints on life, giving me little pointers on how to live a better life. you know, if you do this, this will happen.

but saying that god will lead me is vague.

what about god? accept him? worship him? live like him? it's vague. do i do nothing and wait for god to drop a treasure map onto me? or maybe god himself will cut me a check. is that what it means?

maybe it means that i act like a man of god? then again, that would only lead me to lawsuits and a transfer of parishes.

if for the rare occurance i'm bound and gagged into a church, should i not put money in the collection basket? is that what it means.

shit, i dunno.

but what i do know is that this ain't a fortune. it's propoganda.

a proper fortune would read "wisdom and patience will lead me to wealth and prosperity". yeah, that makes sense. there's a guideline there, and it's something i can easily follow.

instead, i got a homily.

i expected more from lum chin chinese restaurant, and that makes me wonder.

has the fear of the george w. administration rankled the previously undeterred shield of the chinese fortune cookie wisdom makers? has dubya found another route to pound in his born-again christian ethics?

i ask, where are your backbones, chinese men of fortune?

then again, maybe it's just the way the cookie crumbles nowadays.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

how to pay proper homage or else

i got this link of chuck norris facts from a friend today, and there might not be a funnier list ever compiled.

my favorites:

chuck norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

chuck norris counted to infinity - twice.

and chuck norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. as oswald shot, chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

makes you rethnk the genius of "walker: texas ranger".

how to punch a hole in the yankee balloon

today, the yankees signed octavio dotel and, more importantly, johnny damon.

first, about dotel: it's only costing them $2 million this year, so relatively speaking, he's coming cheap. but he's also coming injured, just barely nine months off tommy john surgery. and, as everyone knows, it takes 18 months to fully come back. so the yanks will be paying $2 million for a subpar octavio dotel. i guess he's better than a supercharged scott proctor.

then they went and signed johnny damon to play centerfield.

that's a huge blow to their rival. that cannot be questioned.

and their lineup is now, possibly, the most feared lineup ever: damon, jeter, a-rod, sheffield, giambi, matsui, bernie, posada and cano. that would put a crap in my cleats.

then again, cano is the only one under thirty in the lineup. (jeter's 32 and a-rod is 30). so, if you consider that a ballplayer's prime is between the ages of 28-32, you can really expect only cano and a-rod to improve and jeter to stabilize and the rest to decrease. (damon is 32, but with all the pounding he's taken, he's gotta be an old 32). but, to be fair, let's say his production stablizes.

so that fearsome line-up just got younger (damon replacing sierra), but they're still older than dirt.

but here's the funny thing: the lineup wasn't the problem last year.

johnny damon has somewhat better range than bernie williams, but he's got the absolute worst outfield arm in the majors. so, amazingly, they replaced a weak-armed outfielder with an even weaker-armed outfielder.

sheffield and matsui are helpless out there, so they still have a terrible defensive outfield - so they haven't solved their problem at all.

a-rod is great at third, but jeter's been statistically proven to be mediocre (although my eyes say differently) and cano's no gold glove. and when you throw tin-gloved giambi at first - uh oh.

and they've all gotten older.

unless their pitching staff strikes everyone out, then they're looking at more problems. you see, carl pavano doesn't strike anyone out. neither does chacon, and his numbers belie a very lucky pitcher. wang's not a flamethrower either. and aaron small throws in the 80s.

randy johnson is turning 43, and his velocity is down.

so they basically have a pitching staff that needs to rely on the defense behind them.

are you at ease, yankee fans?

so they still have the best lineup in the majors that will do a lot with the 27 outs given to them in a game, but their defense will make their pitchers work even harder, giving their opponents more than 27 outs.

i wouldn't be digging it, if i were a yankee fan - especially since you got damon through his 37th year.

but that's just me. it ain't my money.

how some things still suck

i haven't been to a new york rangers game at madison square garden in, i dunno, 15-20 years (tickets were very hard to come by during the messier years). so yeah, it's been awhile.

the seat colors have changed. the team has changed many times over. there's no more music being played from the pipe organ. the home jerseys have changed too.

so everything is different, you know, except for the "potvin sucks" chant.

in 1979, during a heated islanders-rangers playoff game, islander defenseman (and all-time great) denis potvin injured ranger ulf nilsson. and thus, the chant began.

it's been 26 years.

and when you consider that potvin's been retired since 1988, well, it's been 17 years since it might have even been relevant.

and i still heard it tonight, oh, i dunno, thirty times or so.


by the way, if you like a "potvin sucks" t-shirt, you can get one here.


how a dream might come true

i overheard something in new york that i deemed worthy to make

it said it will be posted in a couple of weeks, so be on the lookout for this:

on the corner of 48th and madison, two twenty-something women were walking down the block when one says to the other, "and he be speakin' so proper."

god bless ears.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

how to fix a late night fixture

there's no lying in this statement: "saturday night live" has been absolutely brutal this year. in fact, they should change the start to "live from new york, it's saturday suck!'

but that's to be expected. the show goes through stretches. after the not-ready-for-prime-time players, it sucked (and lorne michaels was temporarily replaced). after eddie murphy, it sucked. after adam sandler, it sucked. and now, after will ferrell, it sucks again. they just need to find that big star.

until then, though, it might help if they just reverse the order of sketches.

i tivo'd last night's episode, and the first half hour was absolutely terrible. i mean, the opening sketch was about a sbarro's and an open door that delivered a huge gust of wind. c'mon now. there's no idea there. and that's supposed to be the best? michael o'donoghue turned over in his grave. horrible writing.

but the end had some interesting stuff, like a video of two guys rapping dr. dre style about going to see "the chronicles of narnia". funny. and they had a very uncomfortable spelling bee bit that, admittedly, didn't suck. and another debbie downer segment, which is getting stale but still works for me.

they were all hidden at the end, after everyone had been bored asleep.

still, they need a lot of help. but if you have insomnia on a saturday night, it ain't nauseating after 12:30.

so it's got that going for it, which is nice.

how to be shocked

the biggest upset during the colts-chargers game yesterday wasn't that san diego won.

oh no.

it was that, throughout the entire game, commentator dan dierdorf never once mentioned the phrase "this is classic martyball".
not once.

sometimes i think that the announcers record their commentary in a machine, and the producer just selects what's to be said as the plays go on. if you don't think that's true, then watch "saunday night football" on espn with theisman and maguire.

anways, kudos to dick enberg and dan dierdorf for resisting the obvious catchcall.

oh my.

Friday, December 16, 2005

how to make me laugh

from the brilliant "pardon this interruption" show on espn:

wilbon: tony, are you gonna go see the movie about the kissin' cowboys?
kornheiser: sure. i heard parcells is really good with his tongue.

and from the equally brilliant "late night with conan o'brien":

president george w. bush admitted to listening to faulty intelligence about the iraq war. he also admitted to listening to faulty intelligence since first grade.

also on conan, he had a performance by charles ross, who can be currently seen off-broadway in a one-man show called "one man's star wars trilogy", which is exactly what it sounds like. he performed the opening scenes to episode four, from the opening credits to luke staring into the sunset on tattoine after getting leia's halogram message. and it was absolutely brilliant. here's a video of it. enjoy it, obi wan. you're our only hope.

how all i want for christmas is out of my hands

i have a christmas list, and it's all full of things that can be easily bought in stores or online.

but the one thing i want, the one thing i really want, is currently in negotiations, and i'm praying to st. nick that they're able to figure it out. i can't imagine life without the bluth family in it.

i hope this isn't one of gob's illusions.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

how to be proud

unlike the extended families of the noltes, buseys, sizemores or bushes, i think it's a great thing when my cousins make the news - especially for something as honorable as this.

congrats alana, marisa and alyssa. i'm proud of you.

how to not make fun of someone

there's a very fine line between making fun of someone and just stating facts.

so i am just going to state the facts about someone who i always see at my coffeehouse and who sat in front of me today while i worked.

as always, he wore spandex pants that glorify his package which, considering his outfit is skin tight, could have used a zucchini.

shit, i just made fun of him. let me start over, without the commentary. i promise, i'll just state the facts, and leave it up to you to form your own opinions. okay, here goes it. the theater of the mind.

- as always, he wore spandex pants that glorify his package.
- a fanny pack dangled around his neck. yes, i said around his neck.
- his sweater had a drawing of a pony on it.
- and his biking helmet stayed on his head while inside the cafe.


Sunday, December 11, 2005

how to redirect a movement

okay, i wholeheartedly agree that ladanian tomlinson needs a nickname.

but LT is already taken. and it's not like it was taken by someone anonymous. i mean, it's friggin' lawrence taylor, the best (and most notorious) linebacker ever - and you would think that a running back as glorious as tomlinson would deserve his own new identity.

so i propose a new nickname for ladanian tomlinson, not much unlike the one he's known as:


LaDanian Tomlinson.

that's so much better than LT anyways. i mean, anybody can be an LT - how about kansas city chiefs kicker lawrence tynes? - but there's only one LDT.

and he plays for the san diego chargers.

follow me on this one.

how to find a silver lining in a dismal giants victory

hey, we might not have a defense to depend on, but at least we have our kicker back.

how i escaped this dire destiny

in high school, casting agents scoured all the catholic schools for an italian kid to play the son of robert deniro in "a bronx tale". there were announcements made - if you were italian and you had some acting training, come on down.

well, considering that i am sicilian (which is italian+) and that i was in the improv group (which is somewhat related to acting), i figured i'd at least offer my irresistable services to the casting agents, who would see my brilliance immediately.

instead, they didn't believe that i was italian. they thought i looked irish.

oh well.

anyways, they wound up casting not an italian, but a colombian kid adopted by italian parents from yonkers who attended iona prep. that's their loss, really. and since his turn as "colungino", he's had a productive career, both on-screen and now off, where he'll be playing the role of "bitch" in prison.

holyshit, that could've been me, you know.

what, you talkin' to me?

Friday, December 09, 2005

how vanity has no ends

thank you, mariah carey, for showing the world that the phrase "is there anything i can do for you?" is far-reaching.

and thank the lord that there's photographic proof.

that makes my world go round.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

how to be adventurous

after a lean cuisine microwaveable dinner (don't laugh; they're actually pretty good), i decided to go to the corner store for a quick dessert. y'know, nothing that's gonna damage me, but something a little more dangerous than the banana i had hours beforehand. i didn't have anything in mind when i arrived.

but then, i saw it.

i'm talkin' about chedder beer kettle chips.


yeah, i was confused too. what the hell does cheddar have to do with beer? how did they know that they are both among my favorite things? how do you mix the two and which one takes the majority? and how did they coerce the kettle chip to join them in their dastardly plans?

how could i resist?

five minutes later, my tastebuds spoke with a resounding "eh. no big deal". and i'm as disappointed as you are.

how to make me laugh

on "late night with conan o'brien", he had a segment called "celebrity surveys" where he sent out a questionnaire to celebrities and asked them to finish incomplete sentences.

for example: "one city that's not as fun as it sounds is..."

penn gillette wrote "las vegas",
natalie portman wrote "hollywood",
and michael jackson wrote "boise".


Wednesday, December 07, 2005

how to reminisce on a stairmaster

while doing my workout on the stairmaster this morning, the gym played "this old heart of mine" by the isley brothers.

and, while stepping continuously on this sedentary machine, my mind travelled to a classic episode of "moonlighting" where maddie met david's brother - serious, mature, everything david tried not to be - and they begin a whirlwind romance, and it's at that exact point where all the buried feelings that david had for maddie began to bubble up. i mean, we all knew they were there, and obvious to all of us watching, but between their bickering and trying to solve crimes, maybe it wasn't evident to them until then.

i remember the look on david's face when he saw them together, maddie and his brother cozied up at the bar, shoulders touching, lips not too far apart, all this happening as that song played.

this old heart of mine been broke a thousand times
each time you break away I feel you're gone to stay
lonely nights that come, memories that flow
bringin' ya back again, hurting me more and more

and there wasn't a person in america who didn't want david to do something, say anything, try everything to get her to see him as she was seeing his brother. god, it was electric and emotional and scalding. it was everything television and storytelling should be. go to her, david, go to her.

it was everything "moonlighting" was, which is still one of my favorites and always will be, even down to me always wanting to be david addison when i grew up.

and i'm doing my best to fulfill that promise.

who said a stairmaster doesn't take you places?

how to mock random people silently until now

these are people i saw within the past 48 hours:

a woman on the bus with a beer gut that unfortunately was located in her right shin.

an older chinese man wearing a david byrne blazer.

two men working in the greek restaurant sporting saddam hussein mustaches.

a really enormously fat woman at a basketball game having a bit of trouble holding onto her three hot dogs and diet coke.

i like to thank each and every one of these people for the obnoxiously snide internal laughter you gave me within the past two days. seriously, you make my world go round. and i know that i'm a terrible person making fun of these unfortunates, but i kept it all internal, so that's got to add up for something in my favor, right?


how to revisit an old joke

you know your favorite joke as a kid that you told everyone in your class, but when everyone heard it, you couldn't use it again, and you were sad because you knew you were gonna forget it?

well, here's seventh grade revisited on a t-shirt.


how to unintentionally indict yourself

new york knicks coach larry brown recently critiqued his team by bemoaning their selfishness, which caused center jerome james to respond with, "i don't even know what he is talking about, i just worry about jerome."


Tuesday, December 06, 2005

how to continue the venom

if i gave it to josh groban, then i gotta give it to r. kelly.

i'll watch the whole clip this weekend when HBO replays the taylor-hopkins II fight, but i did see some of it on "sportscenter". the "it" i am talking about is r. kelly's interpretation of the national anthem, complete with dancers steppin' to the music and the words "put your hands together", which ironically, was eventually deleted from francis scott key's original poem.

and, like almost every other interpretation of the national anthem, it looked and sounded like crap.

but it's r. kelly's right to make it sound and look like crap. just like it's josh groban's right.

and they both did their best with it, to crap all over it.

between this and peeing on fourteen-year-old girls and the "trapped in the closet" performance monstrosity during the mtv music awards, r. kelly seems to be blazin' a new trail for r&b singers.

so i say to him, with all due respect, kudos on your new crapfest. i can't wait for what's next from you.

how you can't underestimate the lure of the mullet

this story is so completely ridiculous and creepy that i give thanks to god that it's true and actually happened.

never doubt the mullet. ever.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

how to keep a log during the giants-cowboys game

a simple record of phone conversations between my father, my brother and me during the good guys vs. bad guys game sunday morning.

10:13 - my father and i agree that the giants need to bench frank walker after his second consecutive penalty on third down. also, first utterance of the "f word".

10:45 - the word "asshole" is used to describe announcer and former cowboy troy aikman. note that i didn't say that it wasn't the first time that word was used to describe him or last week's announcer daryl "moose" johnson. i hate them both. what assholes. i'm glad thier former teammate michael irvin is doing them proud. they all can go "f word" themselves.

10:48 - touchdown, brandon jacobs - the human bulldozer. quick discussion over his usage at the goal line. i think they should use him more at the goal-line for play-actions. but that's just me.

10:54 - when strahan and umenyiora rush him, drew bledsoe shuffles around in the pocket like a drunk figure skater. and when he fumbles, he looks like a christmas shopper with one too many gifts in her arms. awesome.

11:25 - 10-0 giants at half. dad and i agree that's it's good to see jay feely actually playing for our team this week.

11:39 - dad calls after my mad sprint back from the corner store for a bottle of horseradish. touchdown giants. huh? thankfully, god is a football fan who also invented tivo, and i play it backwards. fumble on the hand-off, antonio pierce in the end zone. 17-0 good guys. this shrimp cocktail sauce is gonna taste amazing.

12:10 - 17-10. officially scared. we're looking like absolute crap right now.

12:27 - "i can't tell if aaron glenn was holding plaxico burress, or if burress is holding glenn". troy aikman actually said that on a play where glenn raped burress on a crossing pattern, as if burress would impede his own route. it's such an obvious pass interference penalty, that even the refs were able to see it and call it. yep, everyone knew it was, that is except for the jackass in the announcer's booth. aikman? asshole. asshole? aikman. if he's gonna call a cowboys game against the giants, you gotta counteract him with phil mcconkey. or, better yet, LT. that would scare the shit out of him.

12:46 - jay feely is killing me. that's 12 points he's left on the board in the past two weeks. jesus christ. is it that hard to find a competent kicker nowadays?

12:51 - luke petitgout is killing me. enough with the penalties.

12:56 - our defense is killing their offense. god bless them. just 1:47 to go. run, tiki, run.

1:01 - well, that possession sucked. ball downed at the four. god bless you, jeff feagles. at least he gives us one good foot on our team. yes, i'm talking about you, jay feely.

1:09 - exhale. first place. need new kicker and left tackle. exhale.

how i can hardly imagine

i never saw gale sayers play. i've seen highlights, but those are just highlights. and i've heard about his exploits, from commentators to my dad. i've even read about him. and when the best running backs in football history are discussed, his name always comes up.

all week long up to the big game, i've heard how usc running back reggie bush reminds many of gale sayers.

but after 225 yards rushing in the first half against the 12th ranked team in the country with a rose bowl invite on the line, i can't imagine that gale sayers was this good.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

how believers will believe in anything

somewhere in this world, there's a grilled cheese jesus that's jealously weeping, begging for attention.

run to him.

but make sure you stop off in sacramento first.

Friday, December 02, 2005

how if this were a script, you'd call bullshit on it

tom clancy said that the difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense.

that couldn't be proven any more than by the day-to-day existance of tom cruise.

at this point, he is quickly becoming a parody. of what, i don't know, but it sure as hell ain't of someone from this planet.

take this new item from his crazyhouse: "don't question me about the history of sonograms. only i know the history of sonograms. you don't."

okay, he didn't say that.

but you know he was thinking it.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

how to make me laugh

from one of the funniest shows on television, "inside the nba" (and that's not a joke. charles barkley, kenny smith and ernie johnson are seriously one of the funniest casts on television):

after a terrible lakers-jazz game, charles is missing. he walks back to the set, saying, "sorry i'm late. i was busy throwing up".

when talking about the jazz, charles says "if stockton and malone saw them play tonight, they'd be turning over in their graves".

while giving a review of kobe's night, his seventh 30-shot night this season, most of which were terrible (in comparison, charles only had three in his 16-year career), charles said "the only comparison you make with jordan and kobe is that they're both black".

how jesus must cringe at jesus freaks

i never liked the cristian rock band creed - which means i have no good will towards scott stapp, their incredibly annoying lead singer. from going out of his way to mimicking eddie vedder's voice to his incomprehensibly terrible christian-centric music, the guy just seems to be a walking horror story. and, to be honest, he always seemed to be a hypocrite and overly holier-than-thou.

you know, like most people of his ilk who claim that "personal relationship" crap.

and now he seems to be all the way in the deep end.

i laughed my ass off this summer when i read this account of someone duping him into thinking he would be getting laid at a denny's in gainesville, florida. and i asked myself what would jesus do? well, he probably wouldn't be looking for pootytang there. you would think that the almighty has better taste.

but now superjesus seems to be taking the water into wine thing to an extreme. he's currently in the midst of drunken rampage which has led to fights with beth ostrosky and some chump from the band 311.

yep, somewhere up there, jesus is cringing at yet another embarrassing episode delivered by one of his employees. you would think he would hire better people to spread his word, don't you think? i mean, what i'm trying to get across is that jesus needs a better HR department. these people claim to represent jesus. that's important. you can't go bottom of the barrel on this.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

how every met victory comes with a punch in the gut

i'm a lifelong mets fan, through mostly bad and good, and i could not be any more excited about the prospects of 2006. not only did we get carlos delgado and billy wagner - thereby significantly upgrading our two weak areas - but we did so without touching our young nucleus of david wright, jose reyes and lastings milledge - and aaron heilman, if you want to include him, too.

that's so important and valuable, to have a plan and to follow through with it. plans elicit hope.

so i'm geeked about all this and i've even kept my schedule for next october completely free.

and then i read that our co-owner, jeff wilpon, who is widely considered to be a jackass, basically told delgado that he will not be able to continue with his personal protest against the war in iraq (and other things) by forcing him to stand during the national anthem.

by the way, i would say that forcing someone to do something just sounds so completely unamerican and against everything what we're fighting for over there, but then again, someone please explain to me again what the hell are we fighting for?

i don't disagree with having to follow the rules of your employee when they're paying you. but as long as you don't embarass yourself or the team, what harm is there in this? he's been nothing but classy and thoughful about it.

still, delgado replied with ""i'm employee no. 21. i'm not going to put myself in front of the team. i'm here to follow orders." well played, carlos. classy.

so that problem has been diverted.

what truly irks me, however, is that wilpon is saying these team rules have come down from manager willie randolph and general manager omar minaya.

but that's not really true, according to newsday.

"I'd rather have a man who's going to stand up and say what he believes," manager Willie Randolph said. "We have a right as Americans to voice that opinion."

So why would the Mets cite some unwritten team rule that nobody would claim as his? Wilpon said it was Randolph's and Omar Minaya's rule, though neither the manager nor the GM were around Shea for the post-9/11 playing of the song. Minaya said, "This is from ownership."

so wilpon, a white man, doesn't want to tell his puerto rican employee what to do or what to think, so he lies and tells that the order instead comes from a dominican general manager and his african-american manager.

now that's classy.

how you really should expect this sort of behavior

sometimes, children are just bad and there's nothing anyone can do to change them. and then, in some instances, the finger should be pointed squarely at their parents because their offspring just didn't have a chance.

like this charming chap. what else did you expect him to do? win a nobel prize? cure cancer?

even though it's not an exact match, the parents who named this child should be arrested and put in a cell with the parents of LA dodger outfielder and famous hothead milton bradley.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

how to be the best around

you know how when you love a movie as a kid, and then when you see it as an adult, you're ashamed of how shitty your tastes were in your youth?

if you don't, watch "flash gordon" again.

but there's like a handful of movies that are still great. and almost everybody i know laughs at me when i claim that "the karate kid" is one of them.

anyways, the sports guy agrees with me in this fantastic review of the trilogy. it's one of the funniest things i've read in a long time.

and always remember: strike first strike hard no mercy.

how to defy gravity and perceptions

here's a video of nate robinson's first dunk in the nba. just click on "Nov. 28: Nate Robinson rocks the rim".

you might be asking me why you should give a crap. there's tons of dunks in an average nba game.

but i ask, how many of them are done by a player listed at 5'8"?

Monday, November 28, 2005

how to lose a game you won three times

jay feely.

seriously, as much as i'm angry with him is how confident i am with my giants. going into seattle where they don't lose, playing basically 11-on-12 against an impossibly loud crowd, and still manhandling them and basically beating them three times, well, i'd rather have the W, but there's no doubt who'd win if we played them again.

go eli.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

how some species need to be extinct

on my plane ride back up to seattle yesterday, i sat in an aisle next to an older gent who wore shorts and pennyloafers - no socks.

yes, i said shorts and bare feet into pennyloafers.

i'm as shocked as you are. i thought we strangled all of them.

i must alert the authorities.

Friday, November 25, 2005

how resembles does not mean exactly

when someone says "you resemble someone", it doesn't mean that you're an exact match. it just means that there's something about you that reminds them of that person.

but when someone says "you're like a twin", well, that says everything.

the reason i bring this up is because i found this website with celebrity lookalikes, except most of them look nothing like who they're imitating, and it made me laugh at how some people want to believe anything.

at the very least, self-delusion can get you onto this website. good for them.

i didn't look through all, but here are some of my favorite people who insanely think they look like this celebrity:
pamela anderson
halle berry
mariah carey
penelope cruz
paris hilton
angelina jolie
another angelina jolie
patrick swayze
howard stern

at least the tom cruise one was accurate.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

how to get excited for something four months away

1. jose reyes, SS.
2. carlos beltran, CF.
3. david wright, 3B.
4. carlos delgado, 1B.
5. cliff floyd, LF.
6. (xavier nady), RF.
7. (catcher)
8. (second baseman).
9. pedro martinez, P.

and we're not done yet.

let's go mets.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

how to pass time on alaska airlines

things i saw or noticed during my alaska airlines flight from san francisco to seattle on tuesday morning:

1. everyone should fly north to seattle or vancouver at least once. you know when you fly over the rockies, and you're kinda amazed by the unending mountains with jagged edges? well, you get that, along with these huge mountains and volcanoes that suspensefully shoot up from the already raised ground. i'm talking about mount hood and the three sisters and mount saint helena and on and on and on. it really feels like one of them is gonna trip the plane.

2. from the air mag: the city of edmonton has 900,000 residents. i seriously had no idea. i need to catch up with my relevance of canadian cities.

3. the color white of clouds is not as vivid as the color white of snow. (of course, best if viewed from above them both).

4. the soul patch that my male flight attendant grew has to be the last act of a desperate man.

Monday, November 21, 2005

how arrogance equals stupidity

i know i've blogged before at how stupid businesses and corporations are when they buy the naming rights to a venue or whatnot. they have every right to do so; they should just show a little taste and put their name after it. my point being that nobody cares about corporate sponsorship except for the corporations. to everyone else, it's another annoyance in the world. but corporations are just too arrogant to see that.

i just confused myself.

okay, try this: it shouldn't be called "the doritos tostida fiesta bowl". nobody gives a crap about doritos tostidas. if corporations had any taste, it would be named "the fiesta bowl, brought to you by doritos tostida" because doritos tostida has nothing to do with the fiesta bowl.

it should always be "this thing" presented by "this company".

the point is to leave things alone. bless you for sponsoring it, but get out of the way. it ain't about you and your branding. as is the industry standard, when you leave it to a corporation to make a decision, they can't help themselves.

but now it's gotten out of hand.

the navy midshipmen football team just won an invitation to play in the inaugural poinsettia bowl. it ain't the sugar or the rose or fiesta or orange or the cotton. it's a poinsettia bowl. unfortunately, the people who named the bowls found the most feminine name ever.

but, again, what makes it worse is that it's not just the poinsettia bowl - i shit you not, it's the san diego county credit union poinsettia bowl.

yes, the san diego county credit union poinsettia bowl.

the one and only.

just rolls off the tongue.

very natural.

makes perfect sense.



how i was late to the draw

i was gonna post something about how "the madden curse" has reared its ugly head again and, considering all my pain and suffering, how it makes me laugh hysterically, but darren rovell at espn beat me to it.

damn you, good reporters who get paid to do so.

damn you, for sucking my fun away.

how to replenish cool

when my roommate JR moved out last weekend, not only did i lose one of my best friends, but also quite possibly the best collection of vinyl records ever.

of course, i built my own collection as well, only buying records from artists that i think would sound better on the rawness and scratchiness that a needle provides. basically, albums that sound the way you hear music inside a crowded smoke-filled small theater. so i have a bunch already.

the others, i miss.

do not shed a tear. i was walking around noe valley today and found streetlight records, which has an amazing selection. i never knew this place existed. maybe they just opened up for me, knowing my plight and sudden lack of coolness.

$75 later, and i'm back being cool again somewhat.

here are my new additions which, in reality, are just replacements (except not in a few cases):

the rolling stones - "some girls" - $3.95
the rolling stones- "it's only rock and roll" - $5.95
the rolling stones - "beggars banquet" - $4.95
willie nelson - "stardust" - $3.95
u2 - "the unforgettable fire" - $2.95
fleetwood mac - "rumours" - $2.95
bruce springsteen - "darkness on the edge of town" - $1.00
the very best of hank williams - $5.95
eric clapton - "461 ocean boulevard" - $3.95
lynryd skynyrd - "gold and platinum" - $6.95

and, because no band was made for vinyl any more than them,
the white stripes - "de stijl" - $11.98
the white stripes - "elephant" - $14.98


now all i need is something to play them on.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

how when the mighty fall, they land on their faces

here's a photo of my roommate brett (in red, obviously) with a famous singer who currently looks like cold hard death.

go ahead. i dare you to name him.

and it's not robert plant.

how someone's lying somewhere

p.j.'s oyster bed, a cajun restuarant of fine repute in my neighborhood, had a special tonight on "fresh maine lobsters".

sounds delicious, until you realize that i live in san francisco. it fresh or is it maine?

you make the call. can't be both.

how promptness is kryptonite

after about a full decade of failed attempts that involved rumors attaching nicolas cage, charlie sheen, keanu reeves or brendan fraser as the star and brett ratner, j.j. abrams, mcg or wolfgang peterson behind the camera, finally, a friggin' trailer for the new "superman" movie is out, starring some unknown guy as the man of steel but directed by bryan singer (and there's no bettter choice to do this than him).

and, the coolest thing about this? jor-el.

i'll stop geeking out.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

how disappointed am i

that i can't buy "you're the best (around)" from "the karate kid" as a ringtone on my phone?

it's undoubtedly a devilsh ploy by the cobra kai.

how lawyers suck

after my recent stint as juror #1 in a sexual battery case, i have a newfounded disrespect and downright hatred for lawyers - and it's well earned. i'm not saying all lawyers should be grouped together in that ball of fire, but the ones that tried the case were horrific on so many levels, and whenever you hear about lawyers in the news, good rarely comes of it.

anyway, netflix just got sued by a customer who claimed that netflix lies when it says you can get "unlimited" rentals in a month when, if you figure in shipment times, you can really only get about 10 a month, give or take.

okay, that's semantics. i guess that makes them liable. whatever.

plus they complained that the more you rent, the longer the turnaround.

okay, that's conjecture. again, liable.

to avoid all this semantics and conjecture, netflix wound up settling out of court.

so for all of netflix's customers, everyone receives one free month of a rental upgrade - so if you get three movies at once, now you get four for a month, and after that month, you have to notify them that you don't want the upgrade. i hate when you have to do that, but okay.

that seems like a nice little pot o'gold for customes that have been "duped".

that is, until you find out that the lawyers who tried the case against netflix won $2.5 million.


okay, that's completely unacceptable and clearly indicative of how manipulative this culture and society has been made by lawyers who seek their own profit rather than finding the common good and fairness. it's capitalizing, not capitalism.

so let's get those jackasses.

check out and if you wish to join in on the formal objection to this, please do so.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

how there has to be a lawsuit coming

i don't know how trey parker and matt stone do it. they rip paris hilton and others so brutally that you would have to think that the "south park" and comedy central lawyers were contacted by other lawyers and threats were made. had to. i can't see any other way they get away with what they do - and god bless them.

anyway, they've been scot-free. but i have a feeling that's gonna change with this week's episode "trapped in the closet", which is about tom cruise and john travolta, who are...yeah, i don't have to complete that sentence.

and, to top it all off, it completely rips apart scientology purely by letting scientology rip itself apart.

then again, maybe they won't get sued. there might just be enough loopholes in the storytelling.

geniuses. they're geniuses.

godspeed, trey and matt, godspeed.

how to piss me off for five minutes minimum

in just five simple steps!

1. while waiting on line to order food, absolutely do not pay attention to the menu that's displayed right above you in clear view or to the long line standing behind you.

2. when you get to the cashier to order, take your dear sweet time deciding what you want, and also ask questions about particular items on the menu. this whole step should take up to three full minutes.

3. finally decide on an item. no wait! you want this one instead. and watch the cashier cancel the order with a new one. always fun for the next person on line.

4. stand there like an idiot as the cashier gives you the price, and then spend a good minute digging through your purse for your wallet.

5. give your credit card for a $5 purchase. if you're lucky, it won't go through the first time. then sign your full name in a perfect little script. maybe even dot your eyes with a smiley face.

yeah, trust me, that'll work.

it just did.

how T will show you the way

this amazing little company has developed a GPS system in which celebrity voices will give you directions.

i believe this is the single greatest invention of the century.

scene: you're driving down a road just west of philadelphia where the street signs are the size of dental floss. you're looking for maple, and you think you've passed elm and main, but you're not sure - your eyesight isn't 20/20, and it's dark out. so you turn on your navtones and enter "maple". and then clubber lang/bad attitude baracus tells you what to do.

my prediction: pain.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

how to quick to accuse have to defend themselves

when john mccollom shot himself while listening to "suicide solution", the media and the religious right quickly blamed ozzy osbourne. i mean, it made perfect sense. he wanted his fans to kill themselves.

when the trenchcoat mafia did the unthinkable in columbine, the religious right blamed the killers' favorite band - marilyn manson. it's very obvious from the lyrics of "freak show" that he endorsed a massacre in a high school.

and god knows that rap music has been blamed for everything in the recent years, from pimping and killing for drugs and whoring out women (okay, actually, they might actually do those things, but it's not meant to be taken literally).

the religious right knows all this, because they've got a personal relationship with jesus and he's not happy about these influences. hey, it's the music's fault and not the fact that there are stupid and crazy people in the world.

quite simply, rather than blaming people, it's easier to accuse music and the musicians who put these evil thoughts in their head.

all of which makes me proud to report that recent killer du jour david ludwig, who shot the parents of his 14-year-old girlfriend in the head, was known to quote lyrics from a christian rock band. so if you followed the religious right's train of thought throughout the years, this boy is a cold-blooded murderer because jesus told him to do so.


let's see them talk their way out of this one.

how a fool can only fool someone once

say i'm selling you a car.

i show you the car, open the hood, give you a quick rundown. you take it for a short test drive, and it runs well enough. i show you some paperwork about how it had some minor work done, some receipts, all the inspection notices, and it meets to your approval. you purchase the car as is, without a chance of returning it.

and it dies on you an hour later.

you then return to me and complain that i sold you a lemon. but i tell you that i didn't, that you saw all my paperwork and how was i supposed to know that the car was a lemon? everything pointed to it being a solidly working vehicle. and it's true. it does.

privately you fume, because you saw everything i showed you, and it all made sense. dumb luck, i guess.

you take the car into a shop to get it fixed, and the mechanic recognizes it, and begins to tell you about all the major work that was done to it, and how he never would have bought this piece of crap. you ask him if you're sure. he says hell yeah, this car had no business being on the road. you ask to see the paperwork - and there it is, all the information you wish you had when you bought it, all conveniently withheld.

so you confront me with all this paperwork that i had but didn't show you, and instead of owning up to it, i lie and say that you had all the information in my possession, and that there was unmistakeable evidence that the car was in solid working condition, and that your decision was yours to make.

but with this mountain of receipts from the mechanic, you prove that i withheld all the other paperwork about how it shouldn't be on the road and that i only showed you the information that supported my theory that the car was working.

i tell you that you had no qualms before, and that's what counts.

which clearly means that you spoke the truth then, and you're speaking politics now.

and that, my friends, is the whole bush defense against his enemies over the justification over the iraq war. bravo, lemon car salesman. bravo.

Monday, November 14, 2005

how i would love to see this in court

the people of kazakhstan v. borat.

considering that, according to borat, the country's hobbies include "disco dancing, archery, rape and table tennis", i think this could very well be sasha baron cohen's finest moment.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

how to make me laugh

like i said before, whenever i hear something i think is funny on the telly, i'm gonna post it under a heading that says "how to make me laugh". that's the way i'm gonna roll for now on. you best believin'.

and now, for our second installment:

on "late night with conan o'brien", he mentioned during his monologue that the big christmas tree finally arrived to rockefeller center directly from new jersey. but before they can decorate it, they're gonna have to remove its giant track suit.

also on "conan", he mentioned that michael jackson said that he would like to live in the middle east one day, so take that, terrorists.

conan is funny.

how do they know what the dead are thinking

i read online today that WWE great eddie guerrero passed away this weekend in his hotel room. he was 38.

now, whatever your thoughts are about professional wrestlers, you have to admit that what they do is entertainment - much like movie stars or singers or athletes - and when a star falls, it's pretty big news. eddie guerrero was a star. it's big news. msnbc thought so.

he was great. and there aren't many pro wrestlers around you can say that about now.

anyway, WWE head honcho vince mcmahon held a press conference, where he said, "it will be tough to get over, but eddie would want the show to go on, and that's what we're going to try to do tonight."

here's my question: how does he know eddie would want the show to go on? was it written somewhere? did he mention it to his nephew over denny's one morning? why is that assumed? was it his last words? if it were, would you believe he really meant it? i mean, he's probably not thinking right at that moment.

or is the idea to find a bit of normalcy in this, to just keep things status quo? but it's not status quo. mcmcahon said that tonight's raw and smackdown will both be dedicated to eddie guerrero and that "you'll see the human beings, not so much as performers, but friends of eddie," the shows will include highlights of eddie's career. so it wouldn't be anything like the shows that normally air - so not the status qup.

oh. so he would want the show to go on, but not the show that he was expecting, but another show, one that praises him and causes everyone to cry? sure about that?

okay, i'm being a dick. but i just hate it when people assume what others are thinking, especially when the others are dead, and then act on it like it's all the justification they need. i'm sure the show will be very classy and if i watch it, i'm sure i will get teary eyed. and i'm sure it will be a fitting tribute worthy of the fallen star.

but don't say it's what he wanted. you don't know.

then again, vince mcmahon wanted the show to go on when one of his performers, owen hart, fell from the rafters and died in the middle of the ring during a pay-per-view.

just sayin'.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

how fox again refuses to acknowledge good taste


Fox may not be killing Arrested Development, but it’s stabbing it in the gut, rolling it out of the passenger side door, and leaving it for dead by the side of the road. Variety reports that Fox is pulling the show from the schedule during sweeps (along with Kitchen Confidential, but we doubt its fans will be sending any foam Hail Marys to save it), and has reduced its order from 22 to 13 episodes.

i mean, why not? getting it off the air makes perfect sense. the show has only won a trainload of emmys.

well, if it's gotta be, it's gotta be. for some odd reason, people aren't watching it enough to warrant its space on the network and the high advertising rates. but it's only to be replaced by some slop that wouldn't bring in any more than what AD carries. i can't believe there isn't a space in fox's lineup where the show's built-in audience would topple whatever's playing there at the time. i mean, this is the network of "stacked".

call me a fan, sure, and maybe i'm deluding myself that part of what is entertainment is putting shows on the air that, well, entertain. but that's a delusion; movie companies and television networks care more about advertising rates than artistic integrity. so this is just one small man looking for a reason to keep its brilliance on the air. it's so difficult to have genius writing, directing and acting at the same time, week after week. there's so few of them that earn my attention.

but then again, i'm just hoping HBO or showtime realizes how retarted fox is and picks up the show. and make fox look retarted. did i just say that it would make fox look retarted? i should, because it would.

you know, make fox look retarted.


Wednesday, November 09, 2005

how to procrastinate

i am completely unfocused right now - which is ironic, because i just did bikram yoga this morning and it's supposed to help you concentrate.

so here's a posting full of nonsense.

the penultimate scene in this week's "arrested development", where george michael flies in on a jetpak near tobias who is dressed like a godzilla-like mole as he accidentally destroys a tiny town in front of japanese investors, was one of the funniest things i have ever seen - and i've watched it three times already. hell, it was funny just to write it. if you're not on board with the show, you really need to be. they just released season #2. catch up.

if you didn't vote yesterday, you're still allowed to complain about the country, but you need to understand that since you did nothing about it when it mattered, your arguments hold less weight than someone who did. like me.

it's taken over a year for the good meaning people of the great state of california to realize that electing a bodybuilder/ action hero as governor might have been a bad idea. which reminds me of a great t-shirt i saw that read "don't blame me. i voted for gary coleman". i voted for the porn star.

okay, i didn't vote for her. but at least i made it to the polls that day.

the new rolling stones album is seriously good. it's more bluesy than what they've done recently - and that's a great thing. and it's a far departure from "bridges to babylon", which i also enjoyed but felt more like a dust brothers produced album than something from mick, keith, ron and charlie. this sounds more like "sticky fingers", which i think is their best (and not "exile on main street", which is universally acclaimed as their "abbey road"). but i digress.

now that the heavyweight champion of the world has retired from boxing with a torn ACL, can i claim that i am tougher than him? i mean, i only retired from competitive basketball after my first ACL. i still played - badly and whitely. i didn't retire for good after ACL #2. i don't think i'll see vitali klitschko boxing for fun anytime soon. so yeah, i am tougher. that's how i roll.

john stewart said that "terrell owens was suspended from the philadelphia eagles basically for being a dick." who said there's no truth and humor in blunt honesty?

how there's no crying or intelligence in baseball

rafael palmeiro finally gave his side of the steroid story today, only 100+ days after promising it, and still not owning up to anything and giving a rather implausible excuse about how it might have been in a vitamin B-12 shot even though that has been disproven. again.


and that comes on the heels of the baseball writers awarding the cy young award to bartolo colon. mind you, the cy young award goes to the best pitcher in the american league. so colon got it, even though he ranked 8th in ERA, 7th in innings, 3rd in WHiP, 8th in strikeouts and 10th in complete games.

whereas johan santana ranked 2nd in ERA, 1st in WHiP, 2nd in innings and 1st in strikeouts, among others.

so who is clearly the better pitcher?

well, bartolo colon had 22 wins, while santana had only 16. so colon is therefore better.


the reason colon had 6 more wins than santana was not based upon his pitching; rather, his bullpen never blew a save in any of his games, and his offense garned 6 runs a game for him. don't believe me? here's some more from

Colon got 6.02 runs per game of support, a figure that was seventh in the league among ERA qualifiers. Santana got 4.70 runs per game, 30th in the league. That's 1.32 runs per game of support--stuff the pitcher has no control over, that's effectively the luck of the draw--that went Colon's way rather than Santana's. That's why Colon won the Cy Young Award, and why Santana finished third: because in 2005, the voting pool for the award can't see past the "W" column to look at the actual pitching.

so they gave an award for the best pitcher in the league not based on pitching but on support and offense. smart thinking there.

and i haven't even broached that mariano rivera actually deserved to win.


plus, on top of all that, since the comissioner's office and the player's union failed to come together with a steroid plan by the end of the world series as promised, congress has quickly put together a bill to suspend steroid abusers a half year for their first offense, a year for their second and a lifetime ban for the third. good job again, baseball.

a whole damn bunch of idiots.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

how to become a laughingstock of an entire nation

congrats, kansas. you are now a state that arkansas can make fun of.

that's what i call intelligent design.

how on earth is this moron famous?

"My prediction is that y'all gonna hate on the style we create, straight 2008."
-- Kevin Federline on his upcoming rap album

Monday, November 07, 2005

how media overkill needs to be mocked

you know how the media jumps on a story and then pounds it to death, non-stop, until it almost becomes a parody of itself.

anyways, here's a link to higlights of a buffalo broadcast of the pats-bills game where tedy bruschi made his triumphant return from a stroke.

it's incredibly funny.

how busey and nolte are funny

while riding the N-Judah this morning, i sat across from two men: one who looked like gary busey and another who looked like nick nolte. i'm not saying spitting images, but enough where i thought, "hey, that guy looks like..." and i did that twice.

busey and nolte. nolte and busey. i made a short film about how messed up those two are, and incidentally, how much they look alike.

can you tell the difference? me neither. does it matter? should we care?

about these two normal folk on the train, however, they were not friends, and they were not together. they just were spitting images of them.

aaaanyway, they both got off at the civic center station.

for those not in the know, people who get off at the civic center usually are:
1. working for the government.
2. attending a concert.
3. scoring some drugs.
4. selling some drugs.
5. going to rehab.

they weren't dressed for work, and it was waaaaay too early for a concert.

which means...

okay, i'm not making fun of them. people get themselves into those conditions. i just think it's very funny that they look like gary busey and nick nolte, and they're the way they are.

sometimes, the world does this for me, and i smile.

how to plan a mutiny

i don't know if any of you have noticed it, but there seems to be this e-mail advertising thing that's set up that sends a comment to my post whenever i write one. they usually begin with "hey, great blog!" and then it goes on to talk about how their blog is about condo rentals in san diego or penis enlargement or something that has nothing to do what i've written.

it's an automatic reply. and it's annoying.

so it's time to do something about it.

over the next week or so, i will write quite possibly the most offensive post i've ever written - and may have ever been written. it will be vile and disgusting and morally repulsive. it will make anyone who reads it scream with hatred and disgust.

i just want to write about something so completely abhorrent and have a comment that says "hey! i agree with you! great blog! you should check out mine about aluminum siding!"

and i will laugh.

sat tuned for the venom.

how to get a raise

by terrell owens, wide receiver, philadelphia eagles.

1. sign a contract that you feel is undervalued.
2. complain about it.
3. threaten to hold out of training camp.
4. call out your quarterback, who happens to be the franchise's cornerstone.
5. show up at training camp, but then get suspended for a week.
6. be a general nuisance in your dressing room.
7. complain about an injury that might keep you out for a couple of weeks, but then practice the next day.
8. complain about your employer in an interview by selfishly bitching about not being recognized for an individual achievement, and throw your injured-but-valiant quarterback under a bus for good measure.
9. get into a fight with the team's ambassador.
10. call out the rest of the team, including the quarterback.
11. issue a lame public apology but not for the quarterback.
12. get suspended for the season, forfeiting four weeks pay.
13. reinforce your reputation as the worst teammate in the history of organized sports.

yes, that should work.

how it's simple to find the causes of a nationwide stupidity

i'm about as open-minded as it comes, and i think that helps me be as knowledgeable as i possibly can. and i believe strongly that everyone should force themselves to see both sides of a issue in order to truly know how to judge it.

but seriously, if one side is complete bullshit and cockamamie, is it worth even considering? wouldn't that be a waste of time?

isn't that the last thing we should be wasting in our schools?

shouldn't time be spent studying things that can be proven?

what i'm saying is that it's not the theory of intelligent design that pisses me off. hell, people can delude themselves however they see fit. but don't waste time in our schools teaching unproveable heebie-jeebies unless there's a course called "unproveable heebie-jeebies". otherwise, it's a waste of time.

the scariest thing about that article is that "six of the 10 board members have previously endorsed language sought by advocates of intelligent design, a theory that says the universe is so complex it must have been created by a higher force", despite the tons of evidence - and i mean tons - for evolution and the complete lack of evidence towards "intelligent design", like "who created the creator?"

so the people charged with educating need their own educating. i weep for kansas.

but why stop there? here's some other things that should also be taught:

- rain is actually god crying.

- night happens when god turns out the lights.

- kansas is flat because god hates tits.

- electricity is made when god walks and drags his socked feet over a carpet.

- sneezes are god's way of pulling a practical joke.

why not believe that? it's just as plausible as anything else the religious right will have you believe.

Friday, November 04, 2005

how to make quick and easy NBA predictions

here's some thoughts about this year's NBA season:

- they're only playing out this season to see if tim duncan gets hurt. if he don't, the spurs are gonna win this easily. if he does, all bets are off.

- the milwaukee bucks are gonna be damn good, and everyone's gonna fall in love with t.j. ford again. that guy can run the point. he's the next jason kidd, but different.

- ron artest ain't gonna keep it together.

- rabid fans will urge that david stern install and enforce a dress code on craig sager.

- this might be a long year for the knicks, but it would be for the better. stephon marbury is not a point guard, but he might make a great two-guard. nobody gets to the hoop like he does, and obviously there's great value in that. jamal crawford, for all his wonderful gifts, doesn't add anything. under larry brown, he should be nothing more than a spot-up shooter. eddy curry's gonna be fun to watch. anyways, they're all gonna learn how to play the right way, and additions will be made, and by the end of this year, they're gonna be fun to watch. but right now, it's painful. they're not playing; they're thinking. and that's not easy on the eyes.

how the mighty have fallen hard

i'm watching "romancing the stone", and kathleen turner was smoking - and that's not even taking into consideration her voice. oh man, she was amazing.

that would be her apex, as that naive romance novelist who smoldered onscreen with michael douglas (and made all of us jealous of him).

and i'm not saying that we'll forget about those days; i'm ust saying it's a long hard fall from being joan wilder.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

how to make an big empty statement

i think i saw the best accordion player ever, and his name is corn mo.

he was great. he played songs about sandwiches and about his friend who got peed on in sixth grade. yeah, doesn't sound so great now as i type it, but he put on a great show full of realy funny ramblings and completely odd songs. he puts on a great one-man show, worth a trip if he ever comes your way. i'm glad i had the opportunity.

and, most importantly, he was a perfect opener for they might be giants, who completely rocked.

it was a really strange crowd - i mean, there were there to see they might be giants, who are just strange to begin with - but it was still kinda cool (i think) to enjoy them with a crowd full of people who don't get out much (and that's probably for the best).

you know, nerds watching nerds, which i guess, in turn, makes me a...


on a quick side note: this morning, i watched a piece of "revenge of the nerds iv: nerds in love". it was complete dreck that really couldn't get any worse. they really should have stopped right after #2 and the genius hotel coral essex scene.

but i digress. back to the nerds at hand.

anyways, they might be giants are known mostly for their song "boss of me" which is the opening theme song to "malcolm in the middle". but in my world, they're known for their really cool insightful lyrics - like these:

from "ana ng":
When I was driving once I saw this painted on a bridge:
I don’t want the world, I just want your half
They don’t need me here, and I know you’re there
Where the world goes by like the humid air
And it sticks like a broken record
Everything sticks like a broken record
Everything sticks until it goes away
And the truth is, we don’t know anything

and from "the end of the tour":
At the end of the tour
When the road disappears
If there's any more people around
When the tour runs aground
And if you're still around
Then we'll meet at the end of the tour
The engagements are booked through the end of the world
So we'll meet at the end of the tour

okay, so this posting was just an excuse to copy-and-paste these lyrics here. so sue me.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

how websites can be really cool

the team at akqa finally finished the website i was working on for "project gotham racing 3" (an xbox game) during my freelance gig there.

you can find it at buckle up and take it for a spin.

you're probably gonna have to install flash 8 and, to be honest, this website ideally works great on a fast computer. then again, why wouldn't it? it's a racing game. but once you get that all figured out, start the engine and don't look back.

i think it's damn cool.

but then again, it's my baby.

and we all think our babies are cool.

Monday, October 31, 2005

how the oldest profession on earth has grown

san francisco is gay enough without halloween. with halloween, this city is positively ecstatic, and i find it completely hysterical. the castro is the mecca of comedy. i mean, anywhere else in the world, a restaurant called "the sausage factory" isn't funny. so yeah, it's funny.

the costumes were completely out of control.

what else is funny is that i would be surprised that the oldest profession in the world had taken all forms, and today, i saw them all. i'm talking devil prostitutes, clown prostitutes, nurse prostitutes, mummy prostitutes, pirate prostitutes - you name the costume, there's a woman in this city wearing it prostitute style. i saw a bee prostitute walking into the safeway today. i didn't know there were bee prostitutes, but yeah, come to think of it, why not? there must be a market for horny and desperate bees paying for pollination.

seriously. this city has been invaded by really hot women wearing costumes of different types of prostitutes. i'm talking butterfly prostitutes, cowardly lion prostitutes, schoolgirl prostitutes, etc. they're giving new meaning to "trick or treat".

i'm thinking the former.

or they could just be wearing these slutty costumes in a vain effort to beg for attention.

either way, i'm down with it.

how to write with sarcasm

an open letter to governor arnold schwartzenegger and the higher-ups at sf muni (our beloved transportation system):

i just wanted to take this moment to state unequivicably how much i love the new reduced changes in service.

i love waiting longer for trains. really, i do. it is my belief that we san franciscans do not spend enough time outside in the near-perfect weather, and with the increased waiting time for trains, it's a breath of fresh air for my lungs - literally and metaphorically. plus, the extra ten to fifteen minutes i spend waiting can be easily used for soul-searching and for finding cures to the world's problems. clearly, a lot can be done while waiting longer for the train. and the now-standard wait of 20-25 minutes allows us not to take muni for granted, much like how we did when we only had to wait 5-10 minutes.

and when the train eventually does show up, i must admit that i do love standing as close as humanly possible to the person next to me in the now trademarked "as-crowded-as-possible" setting. i love being able to hear their whistling song of inhaling and exhaling and to smell their aromas - especially after a hard-day's work, or when they're on their way to a commune in the park. i can't help but feel that it brings me closer to mankind as a whole, to experience these different senses, and this would never have been possible had there been more trains to carry these passengers and therefore a place for me to sit. besides, by standing, i burn calories. my doctor will be thrilled to hear that!

so you can clearly see how much i love the new reduced service - but increased benefits. more time outside, more time to think, getting closer to my brethren and burning calories while standing - who says muni isn't concerned for my general welfare?

and to anyone who complains about reducing in service while raising the prices, i say don't listen to them. they're only silly people who have somewhere to go.

your biggest fan ever.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

how to offer a perfect tribute

to wellington mara, from his beloved team:

shutout the hated redskins. give up just seven first downs. allow only 125 total yards. cause ten turnovers.

score 36 points. pile up 386 yards of total offense. control the ball for 39:21.

and for a personal tribute by those who loved him most:

a gritty ten yard touchdown catch. run for a career-best 206 yards with a touchdown. and continually pressure the quarterback all day long, and eventually getting a sack out of it.

bravo, big blue.

how to make me laugh

whenever i hear something i think is funny on the telly, i'm gonna post it under a heading that says "how to make me laugh". that's the way i'm gonna roll for now on. you best believin'.

and now, for our first installment:

"66% of americans recently polled believe that president bush is doing a poor job on the war in iraq. the other 34% believe adam and eve rode to church on dinosaurs."
- tina fey, "saturday night live"

Saturday, October 29, 2005

how you can't deny the accusation

oil companies have reported a record-breaking spike in profits at a time when prices are at a record-breaking high - insanely high - especially after hurricane katrina and the war in iraq.

so, i ask, is this capitalism or is it just capitalizing?

how little class and tact there is

cbs just announced that a miniseries called "category 7: the end of the world" will be premiering on november 6.

are they friggin kidding?

i just counted. it's only been 69 days from when katrina hit new orleans.

i think it might be a touch too early to capitalize on it and to make money on it. then again, i might not be the best person to comment on this, considering that i have both a heart and a soul.

now, i know it's not exactly about katrina (but i'm sure michael bay's team is working on that script right now) and i know that they started filming before the tragedy, but that doesn't give them any reason to actually air it - especially just 69 days after something so devastating in this country. i would say that it comes across as tasteless, but we're talking about television networks, so that word wouldn't really bother them.

look, i'm not claiming that i know exactly how long it should be. i just don't believe now is the right time. it reeks of capitalizing.

you do know this conversation was discussed by cbs executives.

- "well, to bring up the 'category 7' discussion, well, you do know it's only been 69 days since..."

- "yes, but i've done some research, and 65 days has been decided to be the optimal length of recovery time for viewers. we are waiting 69 days. that's four more days of healing."

- "i see, yes, and 65 days, where did that number come from?'

- "we had a focus group in utah and that's what they came up with. 65 days. it's our corporate standard. utahans don't lie. they loved 'everybody loves raymond'."

- "didn't everybody love 'everbody loves raymond'?"

- "the utahans did first. therefore, the corporate standard. 65 days. 65."

- "i see, yes, cbs' corporate standard, yes."

- "we are doing four more than the corporate standard. we go the extra mile."

- "i see, yes, but why not wait an extra couple of weeks, you know, to be just that sure."

- "i don't want to disrupt any CSI programming. now that would be a tragedy."

corporate laughter follows.

- "what about hurricane wilma?"

- "i didn't hear you."

- "i said, what about hurr..."

- "i said, i didn't hear you."

more corporate laughter.

Friday, October 28, 2005

how to simply put it

i like bill maher. i might not agree with him all the time, but he's incredibly well read and research, and everything he says has a foundation of thinking behind it - which really puts him into rare air in the world of talking heads - and that makes him well worth watching.

anyways, he had a show last week about the upcoming indictments of scooter libby, karl rove, dick cheney and eventually george w. bush, and how the republicans are calling this a "witch hunt", even though they did the same thing to bill clinton during his impeachment process. it's all hypocritical. all these politicians are completely blind to america.

the medium-sized explanation of the whole thing is that these indictments (and eventual impeachment charges) declare that the bush administration revealed the identity of a CIA agent whose husband, a writer for the new york times, was about to reveal that the claims of wmd's in iraq were fabricated to justify a war. so the administration put his wife in peril in a proactive response to the truth about an unnecessary war, which has since claimed 2000 american lives.

clinton, on the flip side, got a blowjob - and he also had monica lewinsky in the room while holding high-level security talks, which was a stupid thing to do.

to put it simply, however, maher said that bush, cheney, rove and libby are going to be impeached for leaking the name of a cia agent. clinton was impeached for leaking on a fat jewish girls' dress.


how to honor a legend

in the haste of being attacked by the grobanites, i failed to write anything about the death of wellington mara, the owner of my beloved new york giants and one of the main reasons why the NFL is what it is today.

obviously, i didn't know the man. but every giants fan knew him, truly knew him, as our surrogate grandfather, our surrogate father, our surrogate brother. he loomed over the meadowlands every sunday, and just seeing the overwhelming emotions of tiki barber, jeremy shockey and michael strahan, all 60 years his junior, all saddened by the news of his passing, speaks volumes.

anyways, i read this article, written by someone who knew him, and it got to me a little.

then i read this compilation of quotes from influential football players, coaches and executives about him, and nothing tells the true measure of a man than this, from lawrence taylor: "mr. mara was the greatest thing that ever happened to the new york giants. personally, he always treated me fairly. he was always there to help me, even when i wasn’t willing to help myself."

god bless, mr. mara. go big blue.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

how to become a michigan football fan

have your cousin sign a national letter-of-intent to play for them.

congrats, john.

from the staten island advance or newsday.

go maize and blue.

how not to shock the masses

a wnba player recently admitted that she's gay.

also in the news: alcoholics admit they like alcohol.

Monday, October 24, 2005

how grobanites need a serious dose of reality

first off, i would like to thank each and every grobanite who took the time to read my blog and then comment on it (read post below). i respect all of your opinions, and respecting my opinion means i should respect yours.

having said that, you are all out of your minds.

i never said that josh groban had a bad voice. reread my post. in fact, he's got a fantastic voice. he's a great vocalist. but instead of singing the song, he decided instead to show off his voice. and whenever a vocalist makes that decision, it results in them crapping the bed.

the best version of the star-spangled banner that i ever heard was whitney houston's version, right before super bowl xxv in 1991, mainly because she sang that song exactly how it was meant to be sang. you see, that's the beauty of it. it's arranged in a certain way for words to be accentuated, for emotions to be felt and, most importantly, for the whole song to be sold as genuine. and by singing it the way it was meant to be sung, she blew everyone away.

which is ironic, because she has made a career of showing off her voice rather than singing a song.

you see, there are vocalists and there are singers. you might not think there's a difference, but there is. the best way to explain it is with the song "i will always love you", sung by both dolly parton (who wrote it) and, again, by whitney houston.

when you hear dolly's version, you hear the desperation and the loneliness and the hurt of the words. the lyrics dictate how dolly sang it. there's genuine pain in the words and thoughts and in how dolly used her voice to sell that. granted, she wrote the song, but the template was made for future singers. she sang the shit out of it. you completely feel every nuance.

whitney's version, however, is completely devoid of pain or any sort of emotions. her voice does give you goosebumps, i agree, but that's not the point: she used the lyrics to show off her voice to the extreme where the emphasis of the song was completely lost. but that's okay for whitney; the song wasn't what she wanted to show off anyways. you see, using the musical arrangement of that song behind her, she could have read the words to the declaration of independence or the back of a cereal box and her vocalization wouldn't have changed. the lyrics were incidental. she used the song to vocalize. she used the song to show-off. the song was irrelevant.

huge difference between the two versions. listen to them both and tell me that i'm wrong. you can't.

and that's exactly what i felt about josh groban's performance, or anyone's performance when they change the singing of the star spangled banner for the mere purpose of showing off their voice. it cheapens the song, and it's never ever better.

and, most importantly, it always ends up with the vocalist crapping the bed in front of an entire nation and with a crowd full of people rolling their eyes and saying "what is this asshole doing?" but that's okay. they've all got loyal fans who will continue to buy their brand of vocalizations. and that's their right. more power to them.

kudos to all you out there for supporting him. that's admirable.

but a bed has been crapped upon.

he crapped the bed.

america's bed.

now with his crap on it.

so that's my point: a singer is able to adapt their voice to the song. a vocalist just does their thing, no matter what is warranted. he vocalized the song, and an injustice was done to it. and that's a shame.

if you think that he sang the best performance of that version of the national anthem, then go for it. i agree with you, and i would rather not hear that version ever again.

but let's be real here: it's safe to say that you also believe that if josh groban pitched for the astros, he would have pitched a no-hitter. or that if josh groban did the play-by-play, he would have predicted everything right before it happened.

so everything i've read has been taken with a mountain of salt.

i'm sure that i've now pissed you all off more. so be it. can't say i've been trembling much. then again, i've also now probably pissed off the "friends of whitney houston" group. that actually scares me more. she's craaaazy.

so, to recap and to respond to your thoughtful comments:

- yes, i would have done a better job at singing the national anthem, mostly because i would have sung the national anthem. and this is coming from someone with a horrible voice.

- i have a huge appreciation in music, mostly because it's part of my job to work with music and work with composers in coming up with original songs or adaptions of old songs. yeah, i know what i'm talking about. and i understand why some things should be left alone. i understand updating things to make them better. but there has to be a reason for it, other than showing off.

- he crapped the bed.

- you all obviously like the way that smells.