Sunday, April 30, 2006

how to measure greatness

i don't like kobe bryant - and i'm not talking about the whole rape allegation thing. i think he could actually play a team game, within a team concept, but he's just too selfish.

but, you know what? maybe he shouldn't. i mean, he is the greatest player in the world. and it has nothing to do with his 81 point game, or his 35 points a game average.

no, it has everything to do with how, in game four of his best-of-seven series against the suns, when he took the driving raindrop layup to tie the game in regulation and the fadeaway foul line extended jumper to win in overtime, that i knew - and i think everyone else in the world knew - that he was gonna make them.

and he did.

there wasn't any question about it. they were going in.

and that, my friends, is greatness.

how this is the absolute coolest thing ever

and i'm not joking about that.

i was just trolling around youtube, and i found - i shit you not - someone who did a re-enactment of one of my commercials.

how cool is that?

and it's done by a little kid.

i'm so touched right now. i just had a horrible day, but this completely turned it around.


here's the spot. it's wide receiver charles rogers doing his first interview as he got drafted into the nfl. he says, "i'm charles rogers. i had 48 catches and 13 touchdowns." all of a sudden, ray lewis starts throwing footballs at him, telling him to sing it. so rogers sings it while using his hands and mouth as a boombox.

again, wow.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

how even an amateur's rendition is still great

don't ask me how, but i stumbled upon this one man remake of "planes, trains and automobiles" and i think it's absolutely brilliant, just brilliant. the same guy also "uncle buck" but it's not as good.

yeah, he is candyesque -and worthy.

great stuff.

how i'm not a football guy

but i do know that you can measure a top draft pick's size and speed and strength, but to measure their heart, you gotta watch the film.

and i watched reggie bush run circles around college players in a way not seen since gale sayers.

and i never heard of mario williams until a couple of weeks ago, and even still, ten of his 14½ sacks in 2005 came in just three games and against lesser opponents. and, on top of that, half of his six sacks in 2004 came in one outing, although, granted, the opponent was florida state - a not-top-quality seminole team.

all i'm saying is that pro athletes are all talented. it's all about who wants it more, who works harder. and all you need to do is watch the tape to figure that out. that's how you measure heart.

the houston texans will rue this day.

not choosing reggie bush is that big of a mistake.

Friday, April 28, 2006

how it's good to be the boss

springsteen, that is.

he's got a new album coming up where he's covered a bunch of pete seeger songs. i got my grubby hands on these lyrics for "how can a poor man stand such times and live?" which was written by blind alfred reed and recorded a month after the crash of '29 that heralded the great depression. anyways, the boss added a couple of lines to the song, and suddenly it's about like hurricane katrina.

anyways, sad stuff, great words.

Well, the doctor comes 'round here with his face all bright
And he says "in a little while you'll be alright"
All he gives is a humbug pill, a dose of dope and a great big bill
Tell me, how can a poor man stand such times and live?
He says "me and my old school pals
had some might high times down here
And what happened to you poor black folks,
well it just ain't fair"
He took a look around gave a little pep talk,
said "I'm with you" then he took a little walk
Tell me, how can a poor man stand such times and live?
There's bodies floatin' on Canal and the levees gone to Hell
Martha, get me my sixteen gauge and some dry shells
Them who's got got out of town
And them who ain't got left to drown
Tell me, how can a poor man stand such times and live?
I got family scattered from Texas all the way to Baltimore
And I ain't got no home in this world no more
Gonna be a judgment that's a fact,
a righteous train rollin' down this track
Tell me, how can a poor man stand such times and live?

how even when they're selling out

the white stripes still are able to do something great like this, with help from cult japanese director nagi nodu.

CORRECTION: it seems this director makes a habit of stealing her own ideas. just click on "sentimental journey".

ADDENDUM: before we all decry the white stripes as corporate whores, go back in the time machine and think snap, crackle and pop.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

how to make an ass of yourself in front of 35,000 people

i went to the first two mets-giants games at telephone company park.

the mets won the second game. mr. flaxseed oil hit home run #710. and cliff floyd deposited one into mccovey cove.

that's all i gotta say about that.

in the first game, the mets lost. that wasn't fun.

what was fun, however, was the idiot who sat in front of us. he was with his friend. for argument's sake, let's call the idiot "dungeons" and his friend "dragons". that seems to fit.

anyways, it was either their first game or their first beer. and dungeons proceeded to yell his voice off for all nine innings, with such brilliant arguments and chants, most of which were of the most creative sort.

i had to recite them to memory. feel free to copy these to a piece of paper and use them at the ballpark at your choice. you can do it too!

1. "hey umpire, get glasses!"
2. "hey lo duca, you smell like lo puke ah!"
3. "hey, matt cain, don't balk!"
4. "what are you doing? how could you not catch that?"
5. "you suck!"
6. "i think you should go back to new york!"

yes, we were very fortunate.

i especially loved how he yelled "come on, niekro, get a hit" throughout the at bat, even though pedro feliz was batting. i could see the mistake. i mean, neikro's a lefthanded hitting caucasian, while feliz is a righty dominican. it could happen to anybody.

yep, that was how we spent the first game of the series.

if only we had a camera.

oh wait, we did. here's the bottom of the ninth, and yes, he does say "you make my anus hurt".

Sunday, April 23, 2006

how advertising works when advertising is smart

i know i killed the early work that crispin porter and bogusky has done for volkswagon, and i'm not reneging from that. i hate those "fast" spots. they've sabotaged decades worth of humanity from the vw canon.

but i gotta tell you that i love the brand new vw work.

you've seen them. they're the ones with people talking about rhetorical stuff while driving, obviously half paying attention to the road - just like we all do - until, all of a sudden, wham! they're in a car accident. but not only them; us.

then there's a quick cutaway to minutes later, with everyone safe.

and then, a quick cut to a silent title card, with a quick copy point about how vw cars have the highest safety rating. safety happens.

why do these ads rock?

1. we're in the jetta with them. it's the way they're shot. we're passengers.
2. we get in the accident.
3. we see the jetta react to the instant impact.
4. everyone's okay.

safety happens.

if you're not shaken up right after watching it, then you ain't human. and if you don't take away that you're safe in a jetta, then you're just not gonna feel safe anywhere.

it's so much better than an announcer talking about all the safety features. we hear that bullshit ad copy. it means nothing. anyone can find anyone to claim that.

but these vw ads? i was just in an accident, and i am okay.


it's so much better to show and feel than to tell and preach. but, as usual, that'll be ignored by client. people respond to facts, they'll say. well, they don't. people feel. make them feel safe instead of telling them they'll feel safe.

ah, in one ear and out the other.

anyways, i'm envioius of those spots.

how i'm not sure how accurate this is, but it could be

supposedly osama bin laden has come out with a new cassette - yes, a cassette - purportedly attacking the west for cutting off funds to the palestinian hamas-led government and referring to a "crusader-zionist war" against islam.

i know, completely unpredictable. who'da thunk it?

seriously, what's with the cassette tapes? even aspiring rappers have moved on to cds. they're very easy to make and distribute. you're the leader of a worldwide terrorist organization. it's looks amatuerish. besides, tapes can get ruined, plus they're very 1982.

then again, he is living in a cave.

i would love to be there for an actual bin laden recording - or one of his filmed diatribes.

DIRECTOR: okay, osama, can i call you osama? okay, so when you talk, you shouldn't look into the camera. look beyond the lens. if you want, you can look at me. just remember that. keep eye contact firm, but don't look into the camera. you want to be believable, okay? on action. action!

OSAMA: i call on the mujahedeen and their supporters, especially in sudan and the arabian peninsula...

DIRECTOR: cut! hey, can we move the lights just a little. he's got a prominent nose and it's casting a shadow. a little more, a little more...perfect. okay, osama, once again, action!

OSAMA: i call on the mujahedeen and their supporters, especially in sudan and the arabian peninsula to prepare for a long war...

DIRECTOR: cut! osama, i really want you to hit hard on the word "prepare". hit those p's hard. pre pare. okay. action!

OSAMA: i call on the mujahedeen...

DIRECTOR: don't look in the camera, osama. look at me. me and you, babe. got me? again, action!

OSAMA: i call on the mujahedeen and their supporters, especially in sudan and the arabian peninsula to prepare for a long war against the crusaders and planderers fuck i meant plunderers. can i start over?

DIRECTOR: hold on. let us switch vhs tapes. we're using only the two hours of tape for better film quality. only the best for you, osama. we ready? okay, action!

OSAMA: i call on the mujahedeen and their supporters, especially in sudan and the arabian peninsula to prepare for a long war against the crusaders and plunderers in western sudan. our goal is not defending the khartoum government but also to defend islam, its land and its people.

DIRECTOR: and cut! nice, osama. really feeling that one. now, this time, i want you to do the whole thing again, but for coverage, can you just squint your eyes a little?

OSAMA: squint my eyes?

DIRECTOR: yeah, make yourself look mean. whatever you feel is best. you're the talent here. okay?

OSAMA: what if i nod my head down like this and point to the camera?

DIRECTOR: ooh, i'm feeling that, i'm feeling that. ready, roll camera, action!

OSAMA: i call on the mujahedeen and their supporters, especially in sudan and the arabian peninsula to prepare for a long war against the crusaders and plunderers in western sudan. our goal is not defending the khartoum government but also to defend islam, its land and its people.

DIRECTOR: and cut. nice. take five, osama. relax. the next scene is, what is it? oh, here it is, "i am urging muslims to boycott the products of western countries, including the united states, which backed denmark," so visualize those words and get yourself into the mood, okay. visualize the prophet mohammed in the new york post. that's your inspiration, okay? hey, where's my avian water? i asked for it five minutes ago? jesus christ, what kind of an operation is this.

OSAMA: jesus christ?

how it's still asinine

here's an article from the new york times trying to deconstruct why celebrities name their children such mentally-damaging names like, and i'm not making these up, apple and moses martin, pilot inspektor riesgraf-lee, moxie crimefighter jillette (yes, as if it weren't bad enough being penn jillette's daughter) or audio science sossamon.

or, if you don't have the time, here's the gist of it: celebrities have a hard time with the concept of other people in the world. so their children pay for their self-absorbtion.

how i long for the days of cheyenne brando.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

how she fought him off, but couldn't resist

i'm watching a classic woody allen film called "hannah and her sisters" starring barbara hershey.

and each time she appears on screen, one thought bursts into my mind:

coach norman dale of hickory high tapped that ass.

which just goes to prove that if you put your effort and concentration into playing to your potential, to be the best that you can be, i don't care what the scoreboard says at the end of the game, in my book we're gonna be winners.

Friday, April 21, 2006

how i don't know what to make of her

i just got back from the chris and rich robinson acoustic show at the fillmore (they are the singer and guitarists for the black crowes). anyways, it was a kind of boring set. they just sat there and played songs from their not-so-great albums. chris' voice grates on you after awhile, but rich can really play the strings. he really can. and, to be honest, they're really missing something without the organ in their show. it's an added texture that takes the nasalness out of the vocals. but that's just me.

and that's not what i wanted to blog about anyways.

there was a woman who stood next to me. she danced like one of those toys that you had when you were a kid that collapsed whenever you pressed the base of the toy in (it's hard to explain). anyways, think elaine from "seinfeld" meets raj from "what's happening". she was that smooth.

she also stunk to high heaven. and she dressed in a very attractive red shirt with candy cane pants.

but that's not even what struck me about her.

you know how a singer will talk to the crowd in between songs, and it's not just a conversation, but merely a chance for the band to get themselves together for the next song? every performer does it. anyways, i truly believe that this woman thought that chris robinson was having a conversation only with her, because she responded to him every chance she got.

and it wasn't even interesting. she was completely bland. i mean, it was interesting in how bland and deluded she was.

here's a bunch of examples of what kept me entertained throughout the show, and i urge you to keep in mind that i am not making any of this up:

chris: "can you believe i'm gonna be 40 in december?"
woman: "i'm fifty!"

chris: (as he went on and on with some hippie talk about george bush and america's timidity in standing up to him) "and i think i've been rambling on and i'm not really sure where i was headed with that."
woman: "i completely got the gist! we are a complacent people."

chris: "you have no idea how lucky we are that a place like the fillmore exists."
woman: "oh, i believe it."

chris: "here's some of our new stuff."
woman: "i would like to hear it."

i'm not making any of this up. she actually said that, as if they were sitting on a couch together, having a conversation, passing time. it was fantastic to observe. it truly was.

so i guess it was worth it. the deluded are always fun.

how the "and a half" in "two and a half men" better watch his backside

so, according to wife denise richards, charlie sheen's a perv.


this from the, and by the way, god bless the smoking gun:

As Richards tells it, Sheen was angry because she had told her divorce attorney about discovering details of Sheen's porn-surfing practices. Richards's declaration, filed in support of her request for a restraining order against Sheen, contends that Sheen "belonged" to "disturbing" sites "which promoted very young girls, who looked underage to me with pigtails, braces, and no pubic hair performing oral sex with each other." Other sites visited by Sheen, Richards alleges, involved "gay pornography also involving very young men who also did not look like adults." Richards added that she also discovered that Sheen "belonged to several sex search type sites" on which he "looked for women to have sex with." His online profile, Richards noted, included a photo of "his erect penis."

that's charlie sheen, now seen on america's most watched comedy. here on cbs!

how it has to be

now that david lee roth has been fired from his job as an early-morning shock jock at CBS radio, it becomes clear to me that there's only one candidate out there who can take what he has accomplished and to roll with it into something newer but familiar, something hopefully better.

because once you've had david lee roth, you gotta think they've only got one other option.

unless they jump the gun and go here,

let thy will be done.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

how there can't be much advancement in that

now that white house press secretary scott mcclellan has "resigned", i wonder where he will go next.

i mean, for the last couple of years, he has stood in front of a pool of reporters and a whole nation and lied, decepted, played word games, practiced semantics and basically did everything he could to spin, spin, spin.

and everyone knew it.

it's in the job description, no matter the party.

so, whoever hires him is doing so knowing that they're basically hiring a professional liar and deceiver, skilled in the craft of double-speak.

so, basically, unhireable.

so i went to wikipedia to see what previous white house press secretaries did after "resigning".

ari fliescher opened up his own consulting firm. george stephanopoulos became a political analyst for abc news.

and, you know what, there really wasn't much for anyone else.

so good luck, scott, on your next life, whatever that may be. because whatever it is, i'm sure you won't give us a straight answer.

how i'm all slickified and spielbergified

i haven't shot anything in awhile. (editor's note: to anyone reading this who doesn't know the blogger, "i haven't shot anything in awhile" refers to shooting a short film with his camera, and not a quail hunting expedition with the vice president).

i have ideas that i've been developing, but with work and moving into a new apartment, well, i just haven't had the time or chance to be stable at anything in my life, much less the whole laborious process of shooting a short film, much less a great one.

but all it takes is a little sumthin' sumthin' to get me excited. and that sumthin' arrived in the mail today.

i hooked it up. i played. i'm gonna look like an idiot using it. i don't really care.

so now, with the ability of moving the camera while keeping it steady - and you have no idea how difficult that is - i'm now amped up to get a crew together and do something cool.


how there's no other discreet way to put this

i would like to give mad props to my little nephew for, well, as he so eloquently phrased it, "doing poopie in the potty".

you the man, nick.

you the man.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

how it's an actual ad, so i have to post it

i know that "brokeback mountain" jokes and parodies are decidedly into "lame" status, but this is an actual banner ad for and, look, it speaks for itself.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that if a-rod and jeter want to spend some "buddy time" together in the mountains for a "fishing weekend", then by all means, go ahead. who are we to judge. just don't come back wearing a beard. the boss don't like beards. it's team policy.

how it's so ridiculous that it could very well be true

here's a prediction of the life of suri cruise in the year 2030.

poor kid.

also, i read somewhere that suri cruise, when said quickly, sounds like syracuse, which is where tom cruise was born. also, in that same article, it stated that anyone who reads that piece of information and posts it on their blog is a loser.

hey, wait.

okay, no more from me on this matter.


unless it's fantastic.

how to tally up my scorecard for the day

1 bus that broke down on me this morning
1 cable car that broke down on me about a half hour later
0 pianos that have yet to fall on my head

so the day is a success.

how this unfortunate sap needs to find another line of work

and that's because i'm reasonably sure you can get the real thing at probably the same price.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

how it's been awhile

sorry i haven't posted in five days or so. been busy. after all, i am the decider.

here's a trough of stuff that i've been meaning to say or share.

1. the correct adjective to go before "unibrow" is "bitchin'".

2. these commercials for dr. jang and associates dentistry in san francisco are the best ads ever.

3. i've been listening more and more to, which is a music project where they've categorized every song possible by a number of different categories. when you pick a song or artist to listen to, they'll not only play that song, but then it will also play other songs that are much like it. so basically, it recommends music to you once you tell it what you like. anyways, i have learned that it's better to type in a song than an artist. an artist can have variance in their work, but a song is stable. so i typed in "thunder road", and listened to "reason to believe" by rod stewart, "jealous guy" by gavin mcgrew, "man of the hour" by pearl jam, "another man's done gone" by billy bragg and wilco, and then "real good looking boy" by the who. oh yeah, great stuff. check it out.

4. last night's "american idol" was indeed fantastic. if this were a real contest based on ability, katharine, paris and chris would be heads and shoulders above the field. but, as we learned with ace advancing last week, that it's not about performance. kelly should go this week, but she's carried by the country-western vote. we'll see what happens. they don't have bucky around anymore to share her votes with. i bet she stays somehow and elliott loses. by the way, and i know i mentioned this before, but with each week, from stevie wonder to kenny rogers to queen to the great american songbook, it just blows me away how crappy today's music is. there's a complete lack of songmanship, craft, lyrical integrity and earnestness nowadays. it showed in the week when they performed songs from this decade. and it's even more glaring when we hear how other genres and artists from the past outshine today's music.

5. tomkat had a baby girl. can we now stop caring about this?

6. they named it suri. now that's funny.

7. "suri" are four letters found in "cruise". also found in "cruise"? "ruse".

8. bradgelina, the bar has been raised. for your child, i expect something unspellable.

9. during "24", there was an advertisement for a movie called "the sentinel" where keifer sutherland plays a special agent for the government. so jack bauer, who is best known for playing jack bauer, goes on the big screen to play jack bauer. that's as much of a stretch as rigor mortis.

10. by the way, is there anything more disgusting and incomprehensible than the movie to be released called "united 93", which is about 9/11? i don't know how long it takes to capitllize on a national tragedy, but i know it's too soon. way too soon. and if anyone thinks that hollywood is gonna handle this gently, understand that the only thing they'll handle like that is the money they rake in. just the thought of this film makes me vomit.

11. seven top generals criticize donald rumsfeld and the war, and bush couldn't care less. what more does this man have to say or do to be impeached? oh that's right. a blowjob. someone give this president a blowjob, stat!

Thursday, April 13, 2006

how an ages old question is finally answered

mainly, what happens when you cross a ninja with a squadron of alcohol, tobacco and firearm agents?

it wasn't the outcome i thought it would be, actually.

how it's not a hallucination

it's 1 am. i just got home. i press "38" on my remote for espn. only "8" is inputed.

i get an infomercial.

john tesh is speaking about connie sellecca. and then teri garr is talking about connie sellecca.

are they selling connie sellecca? i didn't know she was for sale.

but then they're talking about how she's a perfectionist and she doesn't compromise, and then i heard the words "frankincense", "myrrh" and something called "sandalwood".

i hear the theme song from "the greatest american hero" tv show - believe it or not.

then tesh is back on, and he's talking about this product that connie selleca made. it's called the sellecca solution and it's a cream you put on your face that helps you in the fight against wrinkles.

oh, it's based on an ancient egyptian formula. she developed it from the ground up. it works, and she's willing to bet her reputation on it.

did i mention that this was developed by connie sellecca, star of, well, "the greatest american hero", a movie or tv series called "captain america" that i don't remember but does, and the countless made-for-tv movies?

then again, who else would know about the dermotology of ancient egyptians? you? tom cruise? ancient egyptians? hieroglyphics?

no, only connie sellecca knows the secrets of ancient egyptians facial care. and she's sharing it with you for a low price of $9.99 if you call now with a major credit card handy.

it's a no-brainer.

awesome. what a late night treat.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

how i'm #25

according to money magazine, being a writer is the 25th best job to have, based on growth, pay, stress-levels and other factors.

so eat some of that, biological scientist.

how the atlanta braves have jumped the shark

here's the atlanta braves' turner south commercial starring phil niekro, john smoltz, tim hudson, chipper jones and mc hammer. hammer.

is that right? isn't he from oakland? wasn't he famous when the braves weren't in first place? isn't atlanta the home of outkast and ludacris?

i love this. what a complete abberation.

this has gotta be the year.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Monday, April 10, 2006

how we must all burn our childhoods

this is a great paragraph of truth from

When we were kids, there were two baseball players we were instructed to pattern ourselves after, examples of how the game provided structure and organization and produced quality, upstanding gentlemen who were beacons of Good American Values to us all. One stood for hard work, hustle and dedication; the other represented dignity, earnestness and decency. The first was Pete Rose. The second was Steve Garvey. That worked out well.

how i assumed incorrectly

i was wrong.

your favorite neighborhood blogger posted about how the duke lacrosse team - by virtue of being a large collection of college jocks at a party - most likely did what they were accused of doing: raping a stripper. and i said that people might change, but never a large group of people.

but now, with some time-marked photos showing the stripper's state when she arrived to the party and DNA samples coming up negative, i was wrong.

and, guessing by the aftermath, so was the duke chancellor for cancelling the season and causing the duke lacrosse coach to quit. and also every single columnist who jumped to judgement. and duke students who turned their back on their fellow classmates. and everybody else who jumped on the bandwagon.

i just wonder how many of them will admit to it.

i'm betting it's one less than me.

well, at least i was wrong. i'm sorry.

how to relive the good ole days

here's a clip of the ninth inning of game six of the 1986 world series, when mookie wilson hit a groundball that went through bill buckner's legs.

did i mention that the whole video is played out in RBI baseball?

vin scully + rbi baseball + mets win = awesomeness.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

how more thought has to go into song selection

in each ballpark during each major league baseball game, every home team player selects a song to be played while he walks up to the plate. it's a small and sublte jump into the mind and life of a professional ballplayer.

for example, chipper jones plays "crazy train" by ozzy osbourne, so you can assume that chipper's got a bit of a wild side to him.

mike piazza plays "tom sawyer" by rush, which could infer that mikey's into the classics - not only in music but also in life.

and ray durham of the san francisco giants plays "whup that trick" from the movie "hustle and flow".

which, if you ask me, is a great choice. i need to be comforted in knowing that ray durham approves of paying for prostitutes and then beating the crap out of them.

whup that trick, ray. whup that trick.

how commercialism has to be stopped

do you think that when stevie wonder wrote and recorded "signed, sealed, delivered", he was actually writing about the lincoln mercury signature sales event?

yet another great song soiled.

how to be a welcoming committee

welcome back, sunshine.

i can confidently speak for everyone here in san francisco in saying that we miss you. we know you're been up there, above the clouds, and we know you were doing your best to show yourself to us, you really were, but things just didn't work out. every single day.

but you're back now. stay awhile - like through november.

let us enjoy you.

your worshippers in the great city of san francisco.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

how even the craziest of the crazy thinks george w. bush is crazy

my friend sarah at crazyvirgo posted a four-minute interview with san francisco local celebrity frank chiu.

here's a very quick bio on frank:

- he spends his days walking around san francisco with a picket sign, trying to find a protest line to join or making his own.

- his picket sign says - and it changes every day - something to the effect of, and i quote, "impeach clinton. 12 galaxies guiltied to altratonic rocket society". he usually changes the presidents - going all the way back to george washington. and altratonic is swapped out with other "words" ending in tronic. or tonic. or something else unintelligible.

- he believes that he and his family have been secretly videotaped for a tv show called "the richest family". he was told this by kgb agents disguised as space aliens. they also told him that there's been a conspiracy from the first president until now that has kept him and his family not only in the dark about the show but also from getting paid. don't argue about the chronology of it all. i know. it doesn't make sense. but it has to be true. nobody can make this up.

- he believes everyone has been brainwashed by our government. (actually, he might be on to something).

- he won "best san francisco protestor" in the san francisco bay guardian "best of the bay" issue of 2001.

- everybody in the city knows who he is.

and, in this amazing and unprecedented four-minute interview with him, this poor man takes time out of his busy and very important campaign to condemn our current president and his policy in iraq.

it's worth four minutes of your time.

it's more than classic.

it's classictonic.

how i should read more cafefully

because it's been out of mind and, until now, out of the way, i never really took advantage of trader joe's to buy organic foods. i have been there and i have shopped there and i do love everything they sell - and i trust them - but until recently, i just haven't gone much.

but it's not far from me now, so they've become my new grocery store.

i went there a couple of weeks ago and loaded up on fish and other good stuff. i even bought some chicken nuggets, which i decided to make for dinner tonight.

but i noticed something when i opened the package. it's actually chickenless nuggets made from soy.


well, i'm adventurous and open-minded about these things. plus, i can't return it. so i heated up the oven, placed the nuggets on a baking tray and let it cook for 8-10 minutes.

to hedge my bets, however, i quickly made some honey mustard (real easy: melted butter + honey + dijon mustard) so even if the chickenless nuggets sucked, i could mask it and try to fool my palette.

didn't work. horrible.

and it's not the soyken nugget's fault. i love chicken. i love all meats. that is who i am. soy does not jive with me.

i am a meatarian.

hear me grill.

Friday, April 07, 2006

how it just doesn't make any sense anymore

here's an excerpt from yet another random junk e-mail i received. i love the property name.

We are contacting you regarding your property 64 JEWBAGEL RD. in TRUMBULL, CT 06611

so, of course, i mapquested 64 jewbagel road. i mean, how could i not?

as it may come to no surprise, there is no jewbagel road in trumbull. in fact, i googled it, and there doesn't seem to be a jewbagel road in the entire united states.

could you imagine if there were? the possibilities are endless. would all the houses look like klu klux klan hoods? would it lead to guineabastard way? or irishdrunk avenue? there are many questions that would need to be answered.

but there are not.

until that day.

how you don't mess with jack bauer

here's 100 reasons why. and they're just as hilarious as why you don't mess with chuck norris.

here are some of my favorites:

On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

how it's hard to decide which item is more ridiculous

it's shit like this from hollywood that makes you realize how completely insane that world really is.

anyways, you decide. from

item #1:
Actress Heather Locklear is reportedly dating funnyman David Spade as she attempts to move on from her broken marriage to Bon Jovi rocker Richie Sambora. The former Spin City star announced her plans to split for good from Sambora in February after 11 years of marriage and now Us Weekly is reporting she is dating Joe Dirt star and comedian Spade. The magazine reports the couple was spotted kissing while hanging out with friends in West Hollywood, and are thought to have met through their mutual manager.

item #2:
Tom Cruise has hit out at reports he has bought an adult pacifier to keep fiancee Katie Holmes quiet during childbirth. The heavily pregnant actress plans to adhere to strict Scientology rules and give birth without screaming, crying or making loud noises, and Star magazine insisted Cruise would help by providing a specially designed device to bite. A source tell the magazine, "He commissioned an adult-sized 'binky' for her to clench between her teeth, hoping that it'll squelch her screams. In keeping with a Scientology silent birth, Tom is prepared to do whatever it takes to muffle Katie's moans and groans during the delivery." Cruise's publicist Arnold Robinson has dismissed the reports as nonsense. On Tuesday fellow Scientologist John Travolta lent his support to the controversial birth plans.

how trey parker and matt stone are on a roll

three episodes this season.

the first ripping apart scientology.
the second ripping apart san francisco hippies.
and the third ripping apart the lunacy of the mohammed comic strip and "family guy".

thank god that comedy central leaves these guys alone to do their brilliance.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

how it couldn't last

after a whole month of nobody talking on their cellphones in a public place (actually, that's not true; on the 1-california a week ago, ii had a 452-year-old chinese woman sitting next to me jabber on and on in chinese), tonight i finally had another perpertrator.


and, as usual, when you take a private conversation public, i make it publicer.

how i weep for a lonely future

if marshall and kim can't make it, then who among us can?

let's face it. there's no hope for the rest of us.

how at some point there needs to be a little humility in durham

fresh off my scathing indictment of coach k and his shilling prowess, i am completely engrossed by the alleged rape of a black stripper by duke lacrosse players. knowing college parties and collge athletes and the incindiary chaos that occurs when those two things collide, well, you hate to say "guilty" right off the bat, but i don't need to see air to know it exists.

most people don't change. and large groups of people never do.

anyways, each day, the story gets richer - like today's item. and i don't know what's more nauseating: the e-mail that the duke lacrosse player wrote, or the defense by his lawyer.

in case you didn't read it, here's an excerpt of the e-mail, from
In the e-mail, addressed "To whom it may concern," the player says he has "decided to have some strippers over" to his dorm room, "however there will be no nudity...I plan on killing the bitches as soon as the walk in and proceding to cut their skin off," the author of the e-mail says, adding in vulgar terms that he would find the act sexually satisfying. The e-mail was signed with what police said is the player's jersey number.

and here's the defense:
"While the language of the e-mail is vile, the e-mail itself is perfectly consistent with the boys' unequivocal assertion that no sexual assault took place that evening," said attorney Robert Ekstrand. The e-mail "demonstrates that its writer is completely unaware that any act or event remotely similar to what has been alleged ever occurred."

really? is that the reailty of this situation? he didn't want to rape her, but instead, he wanted to kill her and skin her? and that makes it better? that justifies everything?

jesus christ, aren't there things in the world that aren't spinnable?

and if you spin it way too much, what form of bullshit does it take?

because whatever form that is, well, that's what we're hearing.

how they had to realize this before they released the product

cherry chill eclipse gum is the robitussin of the gum world.

i say that because it tastes exactly like robitussin.

that's not exatly a ringing endorsement - unless robitussin is your methodone. and if it is, you're probably hallucinating about climbing the empire state building while wearing plungers and goggles. which means you're not reading this website, even though that person is my muse.

maybe wrigley's only employs people who are immune to head colds.

what does spearmint eclipse gum taste like? daytime nyquil?

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

how i feel safer today

some idiot from the department of homeland security was just arrested on 23 charges of attempting to seduce a 14-year-old. the amazing thing about this story is not only that he told her who he was and gave her his home and work number, not that he also sent her pornographic material and had explicit sexual conversations with her over the phone, but that he must have gone through this thinking he wouldn't have gotten caught - which makes me think so much less about homeland security.

but he was wrong. and that's the only thing about this story that comforts me, that somewhere out there, there are people being paid to protect us from people being paid to protect us.

how i'm getting sick of some people

i like duke basketball. there, i said it. i'm also a jeff gordon fan in nascar, so you could say that i've got a soft spot for the hated. but i gotta tell you, each time i see coach krzyzewski in a commercial, i like duke basketball less.

the spots just seem so pandering, so self-uplifting, so arrogant, that it justifies everything people hate about duke - and the person that most exemplifies them.

which means that if i see another american express or chrysler commercial with coach k, i might swallow my vomit.

and while i'm on the subject of swallowing my vomit, there is no worse ad out there than the pepsi spot with jimmy fallon and parker posey dancing. i expect this crap from jimmy fallon, who i found funny only at the lowest common denominator. and this spot is the lowest common denominator.

but parker posey? she's the queen of the indies. she was in "dazed and confused" and "party girl" and "kicking and screaming" (the one without will ferrell) and "basquiat" and "the house of yes", and although she's been in crap recently, she's not crap.

or maybe she is. crap tends to cling to crap.

parker, come back to us.

how there are benefits to rainy days

sequence of events this morning as i'm getting off the bus:

1. watch woman walking in front of me step off bus.
2. watch her get rained on.
3. watch her take umbrella out from under her arm.
4. watch her press button to open.
5. watch the umbrella part blast off into the crowd like a rocket launcher.
6. me laugh.

Monday, April 03, 2006

how it might be too early

but, after his 4-4 debut with the new york mets, i'd say that xavier nady is the front runner for the national league most valuable player award.

why days like this are special

this article was forwarded to me by my dad, and it could not be any truer.

play ball.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

how monday night's gonna be interesting

there really isn't much difference between ucla and florida.

they're both young.
they've both got active bigs.
their guards take care of the ball.
they both D up like mad.

in fact, they're basically mirror images of each other, but with two big differences:

1. if florida hits the three - or rather, if lee humphrey hits the three - they're gonna win. but that involves humphrey getting open and his body squared up. and, as we've seen through five games so far, ucla does not let that happen.

advantage: ucla.

2. ucla's bigs were able to give lsu's bigs problems because they were so much longer than them. but that isn't gonna be the case against florida. and ryan hollins' knee injury is really gonna hamper him in dealing with joakim noah.

advantage: florida.

honestly, they couldn't have paired up two more even teams.

with that being said, my brain says ucla.

but my gut says florida.

if i had to pick one, i'd go with my brain. but my gut puts up a very persuasive argument.

how to look forward to the next seven months

here's 25 reasons: pedro, glavine, trachsel, bannister and zambrano. also, there's feliciano, bradford, sanchez, julio, heilman and wagner. and then there's reyes, loduca, beltran, delgado, wright, floyd, nady and hernandez. plus diaz, chavez, woodward, castro, valentin and franco.

or, in three easy words: let's go mets.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

how when it rains, it keeps on raining

san francisco just toppled a 102 year old city record for total rainfall in the month of march.


how indianapolis should put this in every network contract

the one big takeaway i've had from the final four is that if the host city looks like this from an aerial view, then you should probably eliminate the aerial view.

how this might never be topped

one of the great websites out there is, which compiles reviews for every movie that premieres and then rates it either fresh or rotten. basically, if 60% of the reviews are positive, it's considered fresh.

"basic instinct 2" just earned a rotten score that was, i shit you not, 6% fresh.

so that means 6% of the critics who saw it liked it.

ladies and gentlemen, that's borderline impossible.

please consider that many critics aren't critics at all; they're just handsomely influenced hacks endowed by the major studios. basically, they get paid to say nice things. they have not a critical bone in their bodies. it takes a major crapbomb of monumental proportions for them not to like it.

once again, "basic instinct 2". six percent fresh.

which means it just made my must-see list, just for the sheer curiosity of watching something completely horrible.

how it's been a while since i last posted

blame it on a 75-hour work week (and counting) and a still miserable ankle.

it's a good thing i remembered everything i wanted to share. okay, here goes them:

first off, welcome back johnny luxury and his guide to awesome living. your stewardship was sorely missed. kinda

also, welcome tracy and her blog - "how i died today" - which is so goddamn funny that i almost died today.

you know that idea that every guy in the world has had at one time or the other? someone actually physically did it.

here's chuck klosterman's review of axl rose's long-awaited "chinese democracy". and yes, i know.

this article made me metaphorically weep, but then again, it couldn't have ended any better, so que sera sera.

i just watched her latest video, and britney spears has really let herself go.

somewhere up there, jesus shakes his head and vows to tighten his employment qualifications.

and, speaking of, i'm gonna end it on a great line from "real time with bill maher" last night - "the only thing george w. bush has in common with jesus is that they both followed into their father's business and were crucified for it."