Friday, August 31, 2007

how all the world can be explained

i've always been a big fan of flow charts and successories. what, praytell, would happen when you put both of them together into one neat jpg? genius!

how i wish this happened at yankee stadium

this prank is easily the best joke ever pulled inside an athletic field. i am officially jealous.

make sure you check out the youtube evidence.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

how i think i'll pass on this one

i just got an e-mail announcing velvet revolver is performing in concert with opening act alice in chains on friday, september 14 at the sleep train pavilion.

so, for a $59 lower tier ticket, i can see the guys who aren't in guns n' roses because they can't get along with axl rose, the guy who couldn't stay in stone temple pilots because he couldn't keep clean, and also the band that essentially died on the same night their lead singer overdosed.

maybe i'll just send a replacement me.

Monday, August 27, 2007

how right now i feel exactly like this guy

i know and feel exactly where he's coming from, except minus the winnebago. although a winnebago would be nice right about now.

how even history buffs can learn something new every day

did you know that george washington had thirty dicks and weighed a fucking ton? well, it's true.

i mean, if you can't trust the internet and the youtube, then who can you trust?

they are the george washington of the modern era. they do not lie. and they have wooden teeth.

how i actually felt pity for a.c. slater

check out the finest teen that south carolina has to offer.

i pray for the rest of the u.s. americans.

for the children.

UPDATE: here she is again, now with subtitles.

UPDATE UPDATE: yep, we're screwed.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

how making fun of celine dion never goes out of fashion

what starts out as endearing winds up with tears in my eyes. and that's because i'm laughing too hard.

thank you, whoever did this.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

how he's gonna get someone pregnant in el paso

after using one of my favorite tracy morgan lines to describe my feelings over my art director's designs for our website ("i love them so much that i wanna take them behind the elementary school and get them pregnant"), i realized that i still have a couple of more weeks to wait for "30 rock" to come back on TV.

so here's some old tracy morgan magic to fill in the time:

tracy on a talk show in el paso, texas.
tracy in "blackass".
tracy as "astronaut jones" with a less-crazy britney spears.
and tracy's top ten moments on "30 rock".

Monday, August 20, 2007

how i noticed many things in vegas

1. people are either well dressed, barely dressed or just messed up.

2. you would think that the guys the piano bar in new york, new york would have fun at work, until you realize that they are asked to play the same obvious songs on the planet, over and over and over again, day to night to day again. it's an endless loop of the same crap. then again, once i asked them to play "sir duke" or "for once in my life", and they told me that they didn't know how to play them. YOU ARE PIANO PLAYERS, for crissakes!

3. if wiggling your hand in the air is the universal sign for "my bill, please", then sitting in a chair and leaning back is the universal sign for "yes, i would enjoy a lap dance".

4. also, when you leave a strip club in vegas, you suddenly believe that every female you pass by on the strip would do anything for a twenty.

5. the reason there's no outgoing flights from mccarron airport to hell is because you're already there.

6. there's no culture in vegas, just garish facsimiles of cultural stereotypes presented to people who'd either rather not go there or are too drunk to give a crap. most are in the latter. and they're buying souvenirs.

7. you know you're having a good weekend when the first two voicemails on your cellphone sunday morning are from your credit card companies asking you to verify some transactions.

yep, i can't wait to get back there.

Friday, August 17, 2007

how there is hope in advertising after all

thank you, coca-cola.

how you best be reading the fine print

there's two funny things about this post:

1. this article about this poor woman who clearly will not win this argument but has a damn good point.

2. the fact that this was published on yep, that jeff bridges.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

how i'm disappointed that i can't do anything as creative as the crazy

i can't believe something like this is real, but it is. a south carolina inmate (yes, inmate) has sued michael vick for, and i quote, "$63,000,000" because he claims that the embattled falcons quarterback, and i quote again, "stole his pit bulls and sold them on eBay to buy missiles from iran".

i shit you not.

oh, it gets better. please, for the love of god and all things hilarious, click on the pdf for the affidavid and read it.

and yes, i swear, this is for realz, especially the restrictions on typewriters.

how i do look forward to many things

but this could be the coolest of them all. hey, i know rap isn't for everybody, but the wu-tang really know what they're doing. they get it.

which means i can't wait for it.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

how to have fun with wikipedia

every so often, when i'm bored, i'm gonna start typing in random items into wikipedia. and if i find something interesting, and by interesting i mean "i can't believe someone took all this time writing eloquently about this", i'm gonna post it.

trust me. you have no idea how rich this idea could be.

but, to add a little drama to it, i'll paste an excerpt from the entry to give you a little taste into just what you're about to get into.

here's my first stab at it:
"He always wears a white belt and white shoes; most of his suits are made of polyester and are covered in loud plaid patterns. He claims to get his suits in a golf pro shop in Kentucky; no one else makes his kind of clothes anymore due to anti-pollution laws".


how i believe this is completely within the olympic spirit

of all the torch holders you can find, i firmly believe that just the mere presence of this guy would finally make those godwaful opening ceremonies watchable.

please make this happen.

UPDATE: this guy would also be excellent.

how we were there for history

i've mentioned before about my thoughts about barry bonds and his whole chase. he's insufferable, unlikeable and defiant in the face of very substantial evidence against him. if you're not a giants fan who owes him everything, from saving the team in the city to the building of this gorgeous ballpark, it's very difficult to find a reason to cheer him on. and that's been the tact i've taken in my time here.

however, last night, for the first time, i cheered.

then again, last night, i saw history made.

i didn't really cheer for the man. the achievement, however, is staggering. and because of that, the stadium was electric (and these are fans more concerned with their pinot noir than their pitch counts).

here's the photos from section 141, left center:

as bonds batted, the place lit up with camera flashes. think of a huge glass jar full of a million fireflies.

turning a 5 into a 6 had never taken such importance.

although it was obvious that hammering hank had a shotgun aimed at his head from off camera, seeing him and hearing him was an amazing surprise.

$40 a ticket bought us some bragging rights.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

how i'm with san diego on this one

just like the sellout crowd at petco park in san diego, when barry bonds hit number 755, i cheered. loudly.

i wasn't exactly cheering for the man. i was cheering for the achievement. and, although you can say that he wouldn't have gotten 755 without steroids, you can also ask if ruth would have hit 714 if there were black pitchers in the league. or if henry aaron would have hit his if he didn't play in the launching pads of atlanta and milwaukee.

bonds is the poster boy for this era of steroids, amphetamines and advanced genetics. and guess what? he's not the only one. he's one of many, probably a majority. and to discount his accomplishments would mean you'd have to discount the accomplishments of the entire generation.

if you're gonna do that, fine. just don't stop now. go back and asterick everything from each era.

because you can.

i saw history live on television. congrats, barry, on tying the most heralded record in all of sport.

no matter how you did it.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

how there's very few birthday gifts for my dad

that can compare with pedro's first start in port st. lucie, even if it's just rehab.

of course, it will pale in comparison to pedro's first start in shea stadium, but that's a couple of weeks off, and it won't be his birthday anymore.

anyways, happy birthday, dad. and viva la pedro.

how i don't think i wanted to see the man behind the curtain

i'm really down with dvd extras, seeing how films were made, what decisions were made and what people thought about it.

but seeing and hearing the real people behind "family guy" really freaks me out.