Thursday, November 30, 2006

how the last time i laughed this hard on tv was during "arrested development" when tobias was a mole and george michael was flying in tinytown

from this week's episode of "the office", written by ricky gervais and stephen merchant:

michael; "you show me a white man you trust and i'll show you a black man i trust even more. pam, you tell me a white person you trust."

pam: "my dad".

michael: "danny glover."

jim: "jonas salk".

michael: "who?"

jim: "justin timberlake".

michael: "oh, please, colin powell. next".

karin: "so i got one. jesus christ."

michael: "apollo creed"


how something can be so terrible that it makes it all the way around to unbelieveably brilliant

it happens. especially with acting and directing.

and this clip from god knows what is the star piece of evidence to that theory. and please, watch it all the way through. i submit that iit turns the corner from nauseating to excellent when the woman wearing the arm sling joins the karate fight. or when the bad guy licks his knife.

again, it's so horrible in every measure that it's hall of fame brilliant.

enjoy it with everything you've got.

how i would love to coach, and i would absolutely hate to coach

there was a sign up sheet at the jcc for a basketball coach for a grammar school aged team. i seriously thought about volunteering for it, and then i quickly snapped out of it.

i mean, i would love to coach. i think i have a lot to share when it comes to basketball, and i know i'm a pretty good teacher. and i have a nice way about me. but to deal with parents? no frigging way.

check out this horrifying story about the insanity that parents have gone to - and this is just miles away from here.

yeah, no thanks.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

how i was too angry to post this then, but i'm much better now, thank you

after the giants-titans debacle on sunday, i grumpily walked over to the bar to settle my tab. while waiting for the bartender, i watched these two guys, who by all accounts were very good friends, settle their own.

it was, in a word, strange.

i'm gonna try and recount it.

okay, here goes it:

- "hey man, i think you owe $25 and i owe $22, because when you take into account the extra beer..."

- "yes, but you're not taking tax into consideration."

- "i think i am. that's why the split should be 25 to 22."

- "are you sure? with tip, i think it's more $24 for me, and $23 for you. check it out."

the guy takes the bill and analyzes it.

- "i'm not sure. maybe we can borrow a calculator."

a calculator! for a dollar! it's so ridiculous, i'm using exclamation points!

imagine if they hated each other. or if their team blew a 21 point lead in the fourth quarter.

shit. i'm in a bad mood again.

how none of these are related

in honor of my crossing the street in the mission yesterday with a pair of transvestites, and also in honor of me watching a homeless man in the upper haight urinate on the sidewalk in front of a pair of german tourists, i give you, completely unrelated, jim mora's "playoffs?" rant from five years ago. for no reason, other than it always makes me laugh. just like street-crossing transvestites and sidewalk-urinating bums.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

how after they mailed one in, i mailed this in

feel free to do the same.

New York Football Giants
Giants Stadium
East Rutherford, NJ 07073
Phone: (201) 935-811

Dear Messrs. Tisch, Mara and Accorsi.

I am a lifelong Giants fan, as is my father, and as was his father. My nephew will be a lifelong Giants fan. When I have a son, he will also be a Giants fan. There has never been a game where we've missed a play and not sweated and bled with them. Our Giants. Your team.

And, although I understand that the game of football has many different tangibles, with games hinging on a lucky bounce of an oblong ball, I not only speak for my family but also for most Giants fans where I say that the game against the Titans was the most embarrassing and infuriating I've watched.

I understand that the team has experienced more than their fair share of injuries. And I get that the healthy players have to do double-duty because of it. And I'm fully aware that we play the most difficult schedule in football.

None of that is an excuse for the complete lack of effort and fire that I, my family and every Giants fan, watched in the second half against the Titans, a clearly inferior team. A team we had beaten and demoralized. A team we graciously let back into the game.

Being a Giants apologist, I can point to those factors and excuse those thirty minutes as a fluke. But that second half reminded me of the Jacksonville game. And the Seattle game. And the first three quarters of the Philadelphia game. You get the point. They all showed a complete lack of effort, which seems to be the personality this team has taken.

And, the worst part of it all is that I have no hope that it's something we can overcome. It is a virus that has taken over in the very fiber of the team that I love.

Your fans are not professional football players. We cannot do the things that they do. But we can expect that they do the things we can. Like playing the whole game. Finishing tackles. Finishing plays even. Caring. The small stuff that helps win games.

It's Plaxico Burress giving up on a play - yet again. How many times? It's Mathias Kiwanuka giving up on a sack. It's the offense playing without any urgency. It's placcid playcalling.

it's Jeremy Shockey looking like the only player on the field who actually cares.

And all that is inexcusable.

This is the first time I've contacted the team. I always had the assurances that your fathers would have taken the necessary steps to remedy this embarrassment. I hope you follow in their footsteps.

Thank you for your time.

A disgruntled Giants fan.

how when you give back to your peeps, they give back to you

i wrote a poem on for a bar that i frequent called the 540 club.

it wasn't much of a poem. still, it is funny.

in fact, here it is:

$2 PBR.
i repeat, $2 PBR.
i don't care if a hungry alligator is tending the bar.
$2 PBR.

still, one of the bartenders drew it up and the owners made it into an ad. it's running in the san francisco bay guardian.

book piece.

Friday, November 24, 2006

how i dig gregg allman's friends

i saw "gregg allman and friends" last night at the grand in san francisco. the band's name confused me. i mean, there's the allman brothers band, but since duane allman died, it's really been just gregg allman and friends. so...i'm confused.

so i went there expecting dickey betts and warren haynes and butch and derek trucks, among others. but i got gregg allman and friends - different friends.

one of them was named jerry jemmott, who is an amazingly accomplished bassist and who, as gregg allman said, "would take days to list everyone he's played with". i also liked the fact that he's from staten island, new york. sweet.

another one of gregg allman's friends - although he only played harmonica for one song - was taylor hicks. i dig him. i think winning "american idol" was bad for him, mainly he's gonna be pigeonholed into something he's not. he's a legitimately talented dude who is much bigger than the label. and he did a helluva job on the harmonica - and he knew better not to sing when on stage with gregg allman. he wasn't gonna win that one.

they played a bunch of blues songs, a bunch of obscure gregg allman songs, dylan's "just like a woman", the grateful dead's "turn on your love light" and a bunch of allman brothers classics - like "melissa", "midnight rider", "whipping post" and the encore, "statesboro blues" - but reworked with a heavy dose of the blues. i mean, heavier than the blues-influenced southern rock they pioneered. great great stuff.

my point? check them out if they come to your town. really great stuff.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

how i know i'm late on this

but "chad vader: day shift manager" is the funniest intentional humor i've seen on the web.

just really brilliant stuff.

here's episode 1, episode 2, episode 3 and episode 4.

i'm officially jealous.

of course, david cross covering bank of america covering u2 is pretty damn funny too.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

how the nets are taking it to the knicks in all areas

it's bad enough that the best basketball team in the city plays in east rutherford. but now, they're taking even the unintentional comedy crown away from the clown princes of hoop.

yep, it appears that the nets are seeing the reign of isiah thomas and raising them with an all-seniors dance squad. like over-60 dance squad.

i gotta admit. that's funnier and much more painful than the marbury-francis backcourt.

touche, nets.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

how i'm not sure how much this will help, but it'll at least be some sort of a voice

if you want to stand up to the latest in a long line of horrible decisions and moral ineptitude by the fox network and o.j. simpson, sign this petition started up by the goldman family, condemning not only the o.j. simpson interview but all the parties that will profit from it.

it's all disgusting, and everybody should be ashamed of themselves.

not that fox or o.j. had any shame left over.

this goes for you too, reganbooks/harpercollins.

how there's nothing as funny

as the bulletproof drive-thru window at the only 24-hour jack in the box in san francisco at two in the morning, with a line full of drunkards who aren't driving thru.

really, you have to experience it to believe it.

it's comedy at its finest.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

how i spent my afternoon

finally, one of the world's finest parallel parkers has met his match.

use the four arrows on your keyboard, and the space bar for brake.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

how i love november just for this

in the past twenty four hours, i've watched:
butler beat indiana
north carolina barely get by winthrop
oral roberts beat kansas

no other sport has the threat of an upset any greater than college basketball.

god, i love this.

Monday, November 13, 2006

how i hope for everyone's sake that ricky gervais or sasha baron cohen had something to do with this

there are certain checkpoints in your life where you need to evalute everything and say to yourself, "is this really what life is about? am i happy where my life is heading?"

and, it's at this checkpoint where, if you answer it wrongly, you get stuck singing something like this.

i threw up in my mouth. then i laughed the vomit out of my mouth.

it's the worst video i have ever seen, and the best video i have ever seen.

it works even better if you read the lyrics as you listen.

really, i can't see how anyone at bank of america thought this was a good idea. and i can't see how bono is not gonna strangle everyone over there and at mbma over this. i would, if i were him.

thank you, comedy gods.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

how i didn't miss this show this time around

in the music section of my comcast on demand service is a channel called where you can find selected concerts from artists.

i know. duh.

anyways, there's a concert from a year ago at the fillmore by a great band called my morning jacket. they are incredible live, especially when they begin to rock out. and this show completely captures that electricity.

for some reason, i missed that show. i don't know what i had going on that day, but it must have been important. but now i haven't, i've attended it, even though it's a year later. it's like i hopped into a delorean, ramped up the flux capacitor and attended a show i should have been at in the first place.

if you got it, check them out.

how the world has been taken beneath my feet

i've physically trained myself to automatically change the channel whenever i hear any of the fifteen thousand "this is our country" ads that come on during an nfl game. i'll usually find something worth watching in the meantime and set my remote so that channel is "last". i need to do that, so i don't throw my sofa through the nearest window. which i'm sure is not the response chevy was looking for.

anyways, while i'm watching the giants-bears game tonight, my alternate non "this is our country" channel was spike tv, which was showing a rocky marathon. i turned the channel during the second chevy ad during the fourth quarter, and it's the scene in "rocky III' when rocky's got nothing on the beach, where apollo tells him that he's lost it, and then adrian convinces him that it's okay to be afraid of clubber lang, that he's gotta do it for himself. and that turns the tide for rocky, as the best music score ever chimes in, and we're treated to a montage of rocky picking up his training. and although it looks superhuman, it's great stuff.

my point is that the scene culminates with rocky finally beating apollo in a foot race down the beach, and then they begin celebrating in the pacific ocean. they hug, and the tides' splashing around them, and it's in overcranked slo-mo, and the music hits a crescendo, and...well, i gotta say it, that i never realized how off the charts that scene is in the flamingly gay scale. in fact, it's the freddie mercury mustache of unintentionally gay scenes - almost topping when maverick and iceman hugged after fending back the migs in "top gun".

i've must have seen those rocky movies a million times each, and i never noticed how "fabulous" that scene was.

san francisco, san francisco.

how i just have six more months to go

although this trailer for "spiderman 3" doesn't grab me, i think it's safe to assume that with sam riami back to direct and alvin sargent writing the screenplay, that it should be just as amazingly fantastic and human as the first two were.

at least, that's how my spidey sense is tingling me.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

how i just had a personal first

do you know what the emergency broadcast system is used for?

you know, except for making loud noises and teasing me that this were just a test.

well, there was actually a emergency message last night, about a 6-year-old boy being abducted by gunpoint in fremont. that's some scary shit. they gave out a description of the man - who i think is his grandfather - what he's driving, what the license plate is, what he looks like and what to do.

it kinda really shook me up. they're supposed to be tests, not actually an emergency, especially one as awful as that. and i figured it'd be used for earthquakes and flooding and all that. you know, natural disasters. not something as inhumane as that.

in retrospect, i don't know why i would make a difference in my mind.

there's no joke here.

it just shook me up.

how the northeast has finally accepted college football

the rutgers-lousiville game was positively electric last night. and although i didn't go to the state university of new jersey, and although i grew up without really having a college football program to root for, and although i couldn't name one rutgers football player before this year, i really feel like a scarlet knight tonight.

what a game. and, more importantly, what a team.

that defense was suffocating against a strong louisville offense. and ray rice is one of the best running backs in the nation. great, great player. and it was completely touching when he was being interviewed after the biggest win in that region's college football history, and he just started crying in his mother's arms. wow. great stuff.

of course, rutgers doesn't have the heritage or budgets of a southeastern conference team. and they're probably not as good as those top teams with one loss. but the bcs is not about picking the best team. it's about picking the team that's having the best season. and rutgers is 9-0 and rising.

there's four unbeaten teams in the country, three after ohio state and michigan play, and two if you consider that the other is boise state. and that leaves rutgers, if they can close it out.

it would be a shame if they didn't get a chance to play for the national championship. their season would demand it.

but, at the very least, there's a major collge football program in the new york area. how cool is that?

how i think i found the next mr. britney spears

and, amazingly, he's an upgrade.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

how text messaging will never be greater than this

here's a clip of kevin federline on muchmusic. and here's all the things i find funny about this:

1. him rapping
2. stupid teenage girls "awwing" as he talks about how he misses his kids
3. and again when he talks about the diamond he gave his wife
4. him telling everyone how his wife supports him

and, most importantly,

5. how he learned about his divorce from a text message.

now, i'm not cheering on divorce, but i am cheering how he got it.

and that it probably said "i devorsing you. brinty".

i think that's also how donald rumsfeld found out that the president has relieved him of his duties. except it probably said, "d-rum. your fired. g-dub."

how i'm going to sleep in a better america

and this is right after a riveting day watching the elections, flipping from msnbc to fox news to get reactions. and holy shit, did i get reactions.

from chris matthews barely being able to hide his smile to shepherd smith visibly pissed off, from keith olbermann smarkily remarking to every democratic victory to pat buchanan spewing horrible and insane venom with every republican loss, it was a thesis paper in the political landscape of today - battle and belittling at every step.

fox news, especially, was a comedy show. it was worth it just to see them urging the democrats to look forward and not in the past. which is typical, hypocritical and borderline hilarious. and that's when they weren't belittling nancy pelosi at every chance.

and msnbc was parading every democrat winner they could find, as they preached that their win was punctuated by a new voice, an independent view, iraq, and on and on.

which, of course, is bullshit.

let's get this straight. i still don't have any idea what a democrat stands for nowadays. i wish i did. i'm listening, but not hearing a word.

today's sweep is an indictment of the completely incompetent presidential administration, and the spineless idiots in congress that supported and encouraged it all.

this is bush's loss more than the democrat's gain.

so simple to see, so simple to see.

but it's a new day now, and when i awake, the democrats should also be in charge of the senate as well as the house, and just by being an opposition, the country is much for the better. recently, rhetoric has gotten in the way of the reality, that being an obstructionist is a very good thing nowadays. and it is a very good thing. and whether these days lead to subpoenas and investigations, accountability and questioning, it will all be for the better, just because those things have been absent.

i love my country, but sometimes, i'm embarrassed by it. today is not one of those days. people got out and had their voices heard, and they're not happy and they want change. that's a very good thing, no matter your party.

welcome back, checks and balances.

your dreams are our ticket out.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

how to question the musical taste of three hundred people and a historic venue

seriously, at what point did the venerable and historic webster hall in new york think this was a good idea? and how about the jackasses who actually paid for it and showed up?

well done.

at least webster hall can now link julie andrews, elvis presley, tony bennett, ray charles, harry belafonte, frank sinatra, tina turner, eric clapton, prince, sting, kiss, b.b. king, guns n' roses, madonna, mick jagger and, most recently, nelly, duran duran, franz ferdinand, alicia keys and prince to this talentless clown boy.

again, well done.

Monday, November 06, 2006

how politics as usual is just the usual bullshit

first off, i'm hoping for a huge democrat landslide tomorrow. not that i'm a democrat, but that i believe that the country runs best when the president is of one party and congress is of another. that way, the partisan crap is killed, and the only things that are passed are what's good for the country. you know, small little ideas called checks and balances and compromises. they're only what this country was built on. that's all.

but we're so into labels nowadays, so into pigeonholing people, so into voting a team than voting your country, that politicians and commentators are treating and talking to the citizens of this country as if they are sheep.

for example: the race in missouri. it's close between the democrat and republican. but they mentioned that the one thing that's on the ballot that might bring democrats to the voting booth is that the democrat believes in stem cell research.

it's an idiotic comment based in the divisive nature of the country we now live in.

stopping stem cell research would seem like government interference, right? and isn't republican values supposedly in line for limiting interference like that? that's the basis for the whole party, ain't it? so wouldn't that bring republicans out, too?

oh, wait, stem cell research is a religious issue, right? and religion is a republican stronghold. because, beyond the whole alliteration thing, it's safe to assume that there are no atheists in the republican party, right? and that there are no religious people who are democrats, yes? because political parties are determined about faith issues, like taxes, yes?

isn't taxes a religious belief? oh no. religion isn't taxed in this country. i forgot.

but that brings me to this: why should your political leanings be influenced by your personal leanings? it doesn't. it shouldn't. political parties represent politics. they are not religious parties.

but now the word republican is slang for "down with jesus" and democrat is slang for "hedonists". and neither is true or intended. in fact, if you look at the history of the parties, what they stand for is the exact opposite of what they are today. democratic leanings throughout history is firmly entrenched in doing things that jesus would have done, like helping the poor and other social services. and republican leanings, throughout history, is firmly in the camp of leaving you alone to do what you want. you know, something like hedonism.

but those are just practices. we deal with words.

like our republican president, who claims he's religious, but has he done anything that jesus would be proud of? and we have democrats who are too spineless to stand up for the people they should, like the poor and the middle class. it's all about pandering for votes and emotions, and so little to do with actions and intentions.

i guess what i'm saying is that reality has given way for rhetoric.

and that's the biggest shame of it all.

how i'm really looking forward to this (also: how i'm releasing my inner geek)

in a couple of weeks, we're gonna be treated to a worldwide release of "superman II: the richard donner cut". that's the great one with the phantom zone, and supposedly it's completely different than the richard lester version that we've all grown to know and love.

to be honest, lester's "superman" is much like his "a hard day's night", a whimsy, fast-paced music video of a film. not that it's bad - in fact, i loved his version - but it's much different than its donner's prequel, which is shot exactly how a comic book is read, with pastoral shots of americana. you know, the essense of superman.

buta fter donner shot most of "superman II', he was fired and lester hired. and lester, who wasn't a superman fan, reshot most of the movie. the tones were very very different.

they lost donner's negatives until recently, when they were found in a pile.

and now, it's been edited and being released.

how cool is that?

we'll see.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

how to write my first post this season where i bitch about the knicks

observations through three games:

jamal crawford and nate rob just aren’t gonna pass the ball to eddy curry into the post. they just are not. so, if that’s the case, and since at that point, curry’s not gonna add anything offensively along with his usual nothing on the boards and on D, well, why not play david lee or kelvin cato in the five spot? they'll at least supply those two dimensions to complement the selfish chucking from the perimeter.

it just blows me away how inconsequential curry is when they’re in the game. it’s all drive and dish without regard to the bug guy in the post. in fact, it’s frustrating. the team stagnates in the halfcourt when he’s not touching the ball. he is unstoppable when he's got the ball down low. unstoppable. it's obvious to everyone - fans, opponents, coaches, even people who don't give a shit. unfortunately, the only ones who don't notice it are employed in the knicks' backcourt.

also, the best team the knicks could put on the floor (when all are healthy) is marbury (or francis - no difference), richardson, jeffries, lee and curry.

but i'm not isiah, so what do i know?

yes, that was sarcastic.

how i was gonna write a review for "borat"

but i decided that you just have to laugh your ass off yourself, and then, we'll talk about it.

that is, you know, if you can find it. and that's gotta be embarassing for fox, to have a monster hit with, like, three empty seats nationwide, and limiting the places where you can see it. well thought out plan there. well played.


Saturday, November 04, 2006

how i'm not a penn state fan

but it's pretty impossible to not be a fan of joe pa.

that's why his knee injury looked horrifying - not just because of the hyperextension from one of his players rolling into him, but because he's a national treasure that you can't help yourself to admire and adore, and his games are numbered as is, and that doesn't help. it doesn't help. even if he were fifty years younger.

get well, joe pa.

hope to see you on the sideline soon.

how i'm gonna miss youtube once the lawsuits come raining down

we better live it up now before it goes away. of course, idiotic television networks and movie studios would rather it disappear to protect their precious copyrighted material rather than figure out a way to use this whole new medium to their advantage.

hopefully, google will protect it.

we'll see about that.

anyways, the biggest shame is that we'll miss amazing stuff like this brilliantly done mockumentary about the tryouts for an intramural basketball team. here's part one, part two and part three.

it's really great stuff, really well done. christopher guest would be proud.

how i've found the most amazing dryer ever

i go to the laundromat across the street from my apartment, the one right next to the laundromat (i'm not making that up). anyways, i've sorta bonded with two specific washers and one specific dryer. i know them, they know me. i trust that they will clean my clothes and, an hour later, i'll come by and pick up some dry clothes.

i know these are just machines, but this is how i live my life.

anyways, my dryer was broken today. so i had to use another one.

and it was the most magical dryer ever.

i came back to the laundromat to pick up my clothes. i reached it and my clothes were scalding hot. like magma hot. as i reached into the dryer for more of my clothes, i realized that some of them were a little moist. that's okay. happens.

i lugged them back to my apartment, and as i began to sort them out, i realized that some of them could not be any hotter, and a large number of my clothes were drenched. soaked. as if i just took them out of the washer and brought them home. i could have wrung them.

as if they were completely ignored.

and yet, some were so hot that i swore it might have been on fire at some point.

it makes no sense. how could some be so hot and others so wet? they're in the same place. that doesn't make sense. it's all in a bundle, right? they all tumble together, right?

then i figured it out, and it completely blew my mind.

the dryer i used, my substitute dryer, only dries one item at a time. which means that it dried half my clothes and it didn't get to the rest of them.

that's the only reasonable expectation, despite how unreasonable that might sound. how does a dryer do that i ask? how do it only dry one item at a time? that's silly, steve, besides your hot and drenched evidence.

it's a magical dryer.

trust me on this one.

Friday, November 03, 2006

how i wouldn't know how to write this one up either

police. nudity. el cerrito BART station. tree stump. masturbating.

let those elements linger around in your head.

now add in the fact that i'm leaving out the weird part of this news story, and this one is gonna be talked about at police barbeques forever.

how you gotta hand it to atlanta for setting a new low in professional sports

i'm watching the knicks play the hawks in atlanta. it's their home debut for this season. and hawks have gone all out. they had a laser light show, cheerleaders, a drumline and a video package for their new tagline for the season - "the highlight factory".

and, in what i thought was a really nice touch, they had the players come down from the stands, step by step, to show with the fans that they were one with them, and they're gonna represent them this season.

sounds great, right?

well, whoops.

in what was hilarious and embarassing at the same time, the players made their way down to the court, step by step, through rows and rows of empty seats. a whole section empty. and it wasn't just that section. it was everywhere.

i can honestly say there were more cheerleaders lined up than there were actual fans.

i'm guessing no more than 15 fans. tops. for the season opener for their professional basketball team.

it was, in two words, purely atlanta.

how i would jump on this opportunity if i were borderline retarded

Good Day,

It is understandable that you might be a little bit apprehensive because you do not know me but I have a lucrative business proposal of mutual interest to share with you.

Let me start by introducing myself. I am Mr. Chen Guangyuan operations manager of the Bank of China (Hong Kong), I have a Business proposal of about $17,300,000.00 for you to handle with me from my bank. I will need you to help me in transferring the above funds from Hong Kong to your country. I want to know if you will be able to handle this with me before I give you more details.

Should you be interested please send me your:
1,Full names,
3,Private phone number,
4,Current residential address.

Finally after that I shall furnish you with more information about this project. However I shall be waiting your response and assurance. Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated.
Kind Regards,
Mr.Chen Guangyuan.

how anything can be exciting and amazing - seriously

fresh off my healthy addiction to the dramatic and ultracompetitive spelling bee championships, i can home from the gym today to find on espn2, i shit you not, the world speed stacking championships.

trust me. stacking cups does in no way sound cool until you see someone do it at an incredible speed. and then when you realize how young they are, well, it's staggering. it's really cool to watch, kinda like an illusion in front of your eyes.

seriously. this ain't a joke.

how i thought my ears were fooling me on david letterman

but, thanks to the internet, i'm able to find out what the actual lyrics are to lady soveriegn's "love me or hate me" and i can't believe that cbs didn't, you know, bleep out the extremely obvious "f word" on the west coast feed. not that i minded it, but it's one of those shocking things, especially out here on the west coast, where we not only have a seven second delay but also a three hour wait.

i feel like one of those grumpy meida watchdogs. i'm not. just shocking.

so janet jackson can't pop a nipple, but lady soveriegn can rap an f? is that where this country has netted out? i just want to know for my own peace of mind.

my nipples are sad, but my salty tongue is ecstatic.

how it was once good to be a mustachioed new york first baseman

i didn't really get the point of this short film, but it's got keith hernandez, mustaches, blow and the '86 mets, and it's actually very well edited. and there's enough snide remarks in it to make you laugh enough.

worth ten minutes of your time.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

how i'm making an addendum to the post below this one

no matter who wins in 2008, this idiot should be vice president.

in fact, this country will demand it.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

how i still can't get over our country in 2004

of course i can't let john kerry's ridiculous botched joke go by without a comment. it's yet another in a long line of botchisms, one which he should be incredibly ashamed of, one of which we all understand what he was trying to say but didn't and therefore is wrong, wrong, wrong without any sort of sympathy. what came out was, well, awful. he should apologize his ass off.

and, of course, we're exactly where we've been for the past four years: people taking the words of a pundit or a politician as more offensive than the actions of this administration. and that never fails to amaze and disgust me.

simply pit, it's all about an idiot who botched a joke about another idiot.

and that brings me to this: in 2004, could we have found two more incompetent people in this country to run for president?

i mean, we should be commended for our amazing prescience in finding the two biggest idiots we could find, and having to choose between them. the shame of it is that they were competing for the most important job in the country - one, i'm assuming, we all could have done better at.

i can't wait for the 2008 election which, i predict, will be between jessica simpson and isiah thomas.

how i'm making this statement loud and clear and i challenge anyone to question me

after yet another success story this morning at borders books, i think it is fair to say that i have to be, without a shadow of a doubt, among the top 1% of people in the world who can catch things before they accidentally fall to the floor. specifically, pencils off a table.

nobody can touch me on this. and if you step to me, prepare to bow to me.

this i decree.