Thursday, August 31, 2006

how to make me laugh

could've been the ethiopian honey wine, but also could have been conan o'brien's SAT questions:

pluto : no longer a planet :: tom cruise : no longer a star

tom delay in congress : must protect bush :: tom delay in prison : must protect tush

lowest in 31 years : SAT test scores :: lowest in 91 years : larry king's testicles.

cnn anchor : leaves mic on in bathroom :: clay aiken : gets mike off in bathhouse.

well, i laughed. so there.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

how i'm either old or lucky

i'm watching "streetball" on espn2, and as much fun i get from watching their incredible brand of "basketball", i really get a ride watching waliyy "main event" dixon. you see, the summer before my senior season, my summer team played waliyy's west jersey all-star aau team (he's from linden) in trenton. during the blowout, he was leading a fast break and i got my tail back on d.

i did everything right. i sprinted back to the hoop and sized up the ballhandler - dixon. and, at the last possible moment, i froze up and prepared to take the charge.

i'm still waiting for it. waliyy dixon literally jumped over me, splitting his legs and elevating up and over, and dunked on my head. and i'm talking suddenly elevating up and over. up up and away elevating.

he wound up becoming an all-american and playing at rutgers, and now he's a superstar on the and1 tour.

anyways, on the show, he's talking to the maker of the upcoming film "crossover", and he mentioned that he's excited for his kids to see this movie. he then mentioned that his oldest son is headed to north carolina a&t.

this man, who was my age when he literally jumped over me in high school, now has a son 17 years old.

ummm, wow. i own a blue bag that's about 20 years old. i have a public enemy cd that's about 19 years old.

and, yeah, that's about it.


how to show off my warm sensitive side

well, it's not really showing off. it's just posting something that made me feel great inside. and it goes abcdefg cookie monster.

it's just a minute. treat yourself.

how even on the millionth viewing, it's still as fresh as ever

- greg, what is the worst fraternity on this campus?

- well that would be hard to say, sir. they're each outstanding in their own way.

- cut the horseshit, son. i've got their disciplinary files right here. who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the swim meet? who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? every halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. every spring, the toilets explode.

- you're talking about delta, sir.

- of course I'm talking about delta, you TWERP!

how the nation's idiot count is at 75,000 and rising

and people said that paris hilton is good for nothing.

how the ivy leagues have higher standards

i just read on that wharton professor l. scott ward was fired due to being brought up on child sex charges.

it was his third charge in eleven years.

i went to a state school, so we're much more primitive with our math and all, but it takes three child sex charges for him to be fired? really? like once, twice, three times?

once i understand. could be a mistake.

twice, well, that's a pattern. i mean, to be brought up on charges so vile twice on different instances, well, don't you think there's something to it?

but it took three times?


once, twice, three times?

go quakers!

how there was almost a four-way tie for most positive role model in my life

my parents and "macho man" randy savage can now breathe easier.

Monday, August 28, 2006

how my daytimes are gonna be difficult

from today's episode of "judge mathis" which aired at 2:30pm:

a man sues his ex-girlfriend for damages when she threw a hammer into the window of his trailer, and when she drove her car into his. she suspected that he had a woman over, and she was right, so she lost control.

she admits that she did all the damage.

where it gets interesting is that she claimed that they came to an agreement that he would consider all damages paid off if, i shit you not, she tattooed his name on her ass. he claims that wasn't the case.

she did it. and he still wants money back for damages.

so the question stood: does a tattoo on an ass count as restitution?

the answer: judge mathis stated that the tattoo on the ass wasn't restitution. it was a way for her to profess her love for the cheat. therefore, she owes him damages.

yep. 24 hours is gonna be difficult to fill.

how to say "i told you so" as loud as i can

as reported here weeks ago, alleged jon benet ramsey killer john mark karr had those charges dropped, which is amazing considering all the evidence placing him at the scene of the crime.

of course, i'm being sarcastic.

thank you, boulder police and the national media, for your continuing excellence in the field of idiocy and jumping to conclusions. if any of them had just the slightest iota of common sense, this would have been dismissed within seconds and we would have been focusing on more important things - like, oh, i dunno, the middle east.

idiots all around.

how i hope this country has learned from our mistakes

all elections are important. but this one coming up is monumental. it's the country's chance to make a stand against religious zealots. and i'm not just talking about the ones that are trying to destroy our country.

i'm talking about the ones running our country.

we've become our enemy.

here's katharine harris. she's running for the senate. and she's also the person responsible for the avalanche of events that began six years ago. her comments prove that she's no better than anyone in the middle east.

MIAMI, Florida (AP) -- U.S. Rep. Katherine Harris told a religious journal that separation of church and state is "a lie" and God and the nation's founding fathers did not intend the country be "a nation of secular laws."

The Republican candidate for U.S. Senate also said that if Christians are not elected, politicians will "legislate sin," including abortion and gay marriage.

Harris made the comments -- which she clarified Saturday -- in the Florida Baptist Witness, the weekly journal of the Florida Baptist State Convention, which interviewed political candidates and asked them about religion and their positions on issues.

Separation of church and state is "a lie we have been told," Harris said in the interview, published Thursday, saying separating religion and politics is "wrong because God is the one who chooses our rulers.

"If you're not electing Christians, then in essence you are going to legislate sin," Harris said."

like i said, this is of monumental importance.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

how you can cover up mistakes through clever editing

ladies and gentlemen, i give you "the heather gold show", directed and edited by yours truly.

how to get big laughs from just two words

and those words are "renaissance faire".

how you can stereotype los angeles into two people

i'm sitting on my couch waiting for the emmys to begin. actually, let me retype that sentence. i'm waiting to watch conan o'brien host the emmys. if you know me, you know how big of a fan i am of his.

anyways, i have the tv on, and they're at the red carpet, and different celebrities are being interviewed. you know the deal. they have this before every awards show.

specifically, i'm watching billy bush and nancy o'dell interviewing people while also not really listening to their answers, and trying to speak as fast as possible, and making the most superficial small talk possible, and trying to make it seem like they're best friends with everyone but it comes across as fake as possible, and then asking everyone, be it julia louis-dreyfus, jeremy piven, denis leary, whoever, the same question.

yep. you guessed it.

what do you think of the tom cruise-paramount split?

inconsequential small talk. fake camaraderie. seld-ongratulations. and highlighting something superficial that nobody cares about.

thank you, nanacy and billy. you are los angeles.

UPDATE: jeremy piven made watching the emmys worth it by using the word "fluffer" in his acceptance speech. and, considering that i'm watching the later west coast feed, it's great that nbc doesn't know what a fluffer is.

and they wonder why they're last in the ratings.


Saturday, August 26, 2006

how there should be a study done on this

i've been thinking hard about this, and i think there's an epidemic that needs to not only be identified, but addressed and cured.

i'm talking about social ineptness.

millions of people in this world suffer from being completely out of touch with reality. whether it's having poor fashion sense or not knowing how to act in normal situations or just being on vacation, these victims have little to no recourse in fitting in with the world around them.

case in point: i'm taking the bus on friday night. a 40-year-old woman gets on the bus wearing a purple snoopy backpack. she sits in the seat next to me, but she doesn't take her backpack off, not only causing her to sit in an awkward position but also crushing me against the window. her left hand then reaches across me to hold onto the rail in front of me, and her other hand latches onto the rail in front of her.

if she had a pill for her social ineptness, she wouldn't have been wearing a purple snoopy backpack. the backpack she would have been wearing would have been taken off before she sat down. and she would have sat down like a normal person, with both hands in front of her.

this miracle pill would stop someone like me from commenting about someone like her.

and it's not just her. this pill would be taken by tourists to help them to walk at a normal pace, to keep them from buying trinkets, and to help them suppress the urge of taking stupid photos in front of everyday objects like fire hydrants (trust me, this happens). the pill would be taken by people wearing velcro shoes and a batman shirt from the late 1980s. it would be taken by people with out-of-date hair styles. it would be taken by people who smell.

it's an epidemic that needs to be addressed.

join me in helping us make everyone in the world one with reality.

Friday, August 25, 2006

how i almost got interested in the virginia senatorial race

i've been out of the loop for about a week, so i missed the whole story about incumbent virginia senator george allen calling an opponent's campaign volunteer a "mucaca", which is "the genus of a species of monkeys and is also viewed in some cultures as a slur against african immigrants".

before we go on, i love that allen said that he didn't know what the word meant and he just made it up.

that's quite possibly the worst lie in a world full of coverups.

anyways, i'm watching tv, and they're talking about this "mucaca", and i'm totally into this story because i can't believe they're talking about this, that a politician knows what it is, that he would use his judgement and use this word while the cameras are rolling.

of course, until i just researched this story, i thought they said "bukkake". that's what i heard when i heard "mucaca". which is where my head is at, i guess.

now i'm not as interersted.

although bukkake is much funnier.

i'm running with bukkake.

how i pity pluto

i've been trying to come up with a real-life equivalent to the news that pluto has been downgraded from planet status to something not a planet. i think being a planet is a pretty big thing, and taking that designation away from you would be a huge blow to my ego.

i know i would not feel good about myself if i were told i were no longer a planet.

but maybe that's just me.

no, it's everyone. it's a very important planet. if it weren't for pluto, would zach morris have remembered "mvemjsunp" to win the knowledge bowl? no.

pluto, don't think you're alone out there. you have many fans down here on one of the nine. yes, not eight. i said nine. although some virgin and socially inept astronomers may have downgraded you, pluto, you'll forever be the last styrofoam ball in my cardboard box.

zach morris would agree.

how i could have used a little more 20th century

don't get me wrong. i loved seeing the red hot chili peppers in oakland. it just wasn't perfect.

i mean, just watching flea prance and strut around onstage is a fantastic way to spend a thursday night. and you really begin to appreciate how technically magnificent of a guitarist that john frusciante in. and with chad smith banging the skins and anthony keidis hopping around the stage, well, who can complain?

i ain't complaining. but i am saying that the oakland arena is not a good place to listen to music. the acoustics just blend together - but in a very mashed way, as if all the intricacies of the music are squished inside a palm. their music just seems to be ripe for outside or for an acoustically-tuned theater, where it has to meet you, rather than have it bouncing around walls. but that's not their fault.

the only thing i can take them to task for is that the concert was extremely way too much "californication" and, obviously, "stadium arcadium". and i can't tell you enough how much i love those albums. but i'm not sure if those albums are prime for concerts and arenas like this. those albums are so finely tuned, so exquisitely arranged, so beautifully harmonic, that playing those songs in an arena that squishes the sounds, well, it just wasn't perfect.

and could it hurt to have played something from the 20th century? i mean, "soul to squeeze" and "give it away" for the encore is nice, but that was it. the music that would seem to work best within the confines, and that's all we were given? i can't tell if i'm a kingpin or a pauper.

and again, i ain't complaining. i just saw the red hot chili peppers play live. how cool is that?

it just could've been cooler.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

how i have a new favorite museum

and i'm glad i had a cameraphone to chronicle the finest two and a half hours i've ever spent in a museum. and this is coming from someone who grew up in new york city.

i'm talking about the art institute in chicago, and i can't wait to travel half across the country to visit it again.

the first exhibit i saw contained miniature replicas of interiors from houses from the 1600s through the 1800s. and how horrible that might sound is how amazing it actually was.

here's some more paintings that blew me away, even though i didn't chronicle their names and artists. if i were a bigger monet fan, this posting would be endless.

and here's a great painting of a mustache.

i've got more photos is anyone's interested in seeing them. but still, it's an incomplete set. the battery in my phone died halfway through my tour, and i was barely halfway done with the museum.

that's why god made the hardcover book "treasures from the art institute of chicago" that's being mailed to me.

seriously, it's a fantastic place in a fantastic city.

how i was gonna buy a ticket

i got an e-mail offer from ticketmaster to buy a ticket for the rolling stones/van morrison concert in mcafee stadium in oakland. yep, as you can guess, they are expensive, but check this out: Presale only open to fan club members of Rolling Stones. Current Members: Enter your passcode where requested.

Not a Fan Club Member Yet? Beginning Tuesday at 9am, you can purchase tickets before the general public by ordering a Fan Club Membership during the presale as part of your ticket purchase transaction, which will cost another $100 USD. In approximately 10 business days, will send you an email so that you can then activate your membership.


Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Monday, August 21, 2006

how i sang "take me out to the ballgame" with joe mantegna

actually, 38,000 of us all sang it together. he just had the mic.

there are very few things that have more of a life to it than singing during the seventh inning stretch at wrigley. in fact, watching a game in wrigley is amazing. god bless the cubs fans. their team sucks now, and they usually suck year in and year out. and yet, they show up, they root, they hope, they don't leave early and they sing their hearts out in the seventh inning.

it's a fantastic experience. you should do it.

they should tone down all the corporate sponsorships, though. i got to the park early for batting practice, and they ran "promotion" after "promotion" in between that and the first pitch. i mean, they had an animated home run derby between AT&T cingular, AT&T wi-fi and AT&T yahoo high speed dialup. i shit you not. it was completely obnoxious. and they had corporate executives throw wimpy-ass pitches from the mound. puh-leeze. they're not special. they're just vendors. let an old-timey cubs fan throw from the mound. they deserve it more than someone wearing a sweater tied around his neck (no, i didn't make that up and yes, i almost swallowed my own vomit).

the crowd was great, though. i had two old men sitting in front of me talking baseball and tits (and yes, women, i said tits. when you want everyone to see them. they're tits). i had a woman sitting behind me getting drunker and drunker until she garbled something derogatory about the relief pitcher's stirrups and manhood before asking her husband to take her home before she puked her brains out. i don't know if she was talking metaphorically and literally, it was too close to call.

and the cubs came back, and everyone became excited, and then everyone got their heartbroken again. but it's only temporary, because everyone fell out of the park and strolled into any of the countless bars surrounding the park.

yeah, it's a great time.

i've got some photosfrom the whole night coming soon, once walgreens gives me them. so hold your cubbies.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

how travelling rocks

people and things i've seen in various airports and cities while on my trip:

oakland: a man wearing a turtleneck with short sleeves. what kind of climate control is that?

newark: a couple disembarking off a plane. he's wearing a cowboy hat and levis. she's wearing a sequined dress. and they're holding hands.

st. louis: a shoestore that's owned and operated by a pimp.

chicago: a black man rocking out in his car to "come sail away" by styx. i don't know of any white people who rock out to that song.

how to do a movie review

"snakes on a plane"
starring samuel l. jackson and juliana margulies
directed by david r. ellis
viewed somewhere in st. louis, missouri

very simply, it's terrible and brilliant.

it's exactly what you'd expect from a movie with this title. in fact, i'm sure that they had a checklist instead of a script. but you know what? they actually went out of their way to embrace it by emphasizing how incredulous the plot is and how incompetent action scripts are. it intentionally had every cliche and melodramatic acting possible. it's all self-depreciating and utterly sarcastic.

and steve loves sarcasm.

i laughed. i got creeped out. and i had a blast.

and isn't that the point of a summer movie?

how it's not what you think it is, even though it's exactly what you think it is

Thursday, August 17, 2006

how it's been ten years, and the media hasn't changed a bit

ten years ago, due to the incompetence of the boulder police and the overprotectiveness of the ramsey family, the media went ahead of themselves and prosecuted someone in the ramsey family as the killer of jon benet without evidence. the family had to spend their time (and, for patsy, the rest of her life) playing down the stain of the media's assumption that was never close to be proven as true. of course, there were oddities in the case, and they acted in a way that most of us wouldn't if one of our children were murdered in our house, but very little thought on that count was given to the sheer incompetency of the boulder police force. but that's not juicy; blaming the mother of a pageant queen is.

nothing was thought out. and nothing was proven. this wasn't OJ who had his blood all over the place. this was a big deal reported with no evidence. a family torn apart even further.

the media assumed a ramsey was guilty instead of proving it. of course, they might be guilty. they acted like people with something to hide. then again, their actions could also have bene read that they didn't trust the boulder police, and they would have been right in that regard too.

we didn't know then, and we don't know now.

simply put, the media painted them as guilty before proven innocent. and that's not good enough.

you would think that they would have learned something in the ten years since.

but with the recent "admission" by a loony in thailand of his hand of the death of jon benet, immediately the media jumped to conclusions again when everything - and i mean EVERYTHING - points to the idea that this is a delusional man who's looking for a little attention. there's no facts to implicate him. there's no trail of eveidence of him at the scene. there's nothing even placing him in boulder. just his ridiculous admission.

yes, he's a pedophile, but that doesn't make him a killer. and, taking into effect that the death happened on christmas, wouldn't you would think that his ex-wife would remember if her husband wasn't around for his children on that day? she said he was home in alabama on christmas.

is it that hard to think about this?

nothing connects this man to that killing, other than he became obsessed with it after the point. the ramseys have never met him. how would he have found them?

i'm not saying he ain't the killer. but it hasn't been proven that he is either. i can brag that i jumped over a building, but that doesn't mean i've done it. is it too much to do some homework before implicating someone?

i mean, c'mon people. he's obviously delusional. am i alone in thinking this?

and the fact that the boulder police has jumped to this conclusion should have given the media every reason to step back and say, "okay, let's think about this and make sure he's guilty".

but, again, things don't change.

this isn't an idiot nation. but it's sure reported by them.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

how i'm pulling for 12-year-olds

this polished softball machine that's typing this entry is a fine product of the well-oiled mid island little league of staten island, new york. you might know us as the 1964 world champions, or from being one out away from being national champions just nine years ago.

or you might know us from our current run into the little league world series, culminated last night with a walk-off home run to win the mid-atlantic championship.

why not us?

go mid-island. even from as far away as san francisco, you've got alumni behind you. and we're proud.

by the way, i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that this week is one of the top three in staten island sports history. not only does mid-island make the world series, but new springville resident oleg maskaev wins a version of the heavyweight championship against hasim rahman.

a world series berth and a heavyweight championship. and it's just tuesday.

Monday, August 14, 2006

how it took awhile

after six years of marriage, kate hudson and her waifish hippy husband chris robinson have separated.

and after six years of anticipation, the world looks at chris robinson and welcomes him to irrelevance.

and that's coming from a black crowes fan.

how i'm gonna steal words

i just read quite possibly the funniest way of describing a hot chick, and i can't wait to use it. i really can't. in fact, i'll be on the prowl. so, coinsidering that i'll be flying for the next week, if you're a hot woman hanging out in oakland international airport, jfk airport, newark airport, midway airport and whatever the airports are in pittsburgh or st. louis and i see you, and i'm impressed to the point of shock and awe, the odds say that i'll be using this phrase to describe you to my friends shortly after.


Sunday, August 13, 2006

how you can't believe this UN brokered peace is gonna last

i mean, look at all the heavy bombardment for their "last licks" before the peace settlement goes into place.

that's not a sign of understanding or peace. this is not "no mas".

this is just a chance to both sides to catch their breath. and it's just gonna start up again, as soon as one side looks funny at the other.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

how to do a movie review

"superman returns"
starring brandon routh, kate bosworth, kevin spacey and james marsden
directed by bryan singer
watched at the metreon 3D imax, san francisco

yet another superhero movie that's got more humanity than the majority of films you'll ever see. fresh off the "spider-man" series and "batman begins" comes "superman returns", which is one of the most gorgeous films you'll ever see. there really aren't many directors out there that can pull this off any better than bryan singer. his films are complex yet simplified, mature yet fun. he's a master.

like i said, there's a real humanity in this. that's been the brilliance of these recent superhero films: if you think they're just superhero movies, you're missing the point. they've got these strong human truths that steer it and, on top of that, there's elegance in how they're told. this movie doesn't waste time, but doesn't rush to move the plot along. it's exciting and romantic, thoughtful and deep, reverent and forward. the story left me with goosebumps on my skin and a lump in my throat. it's just a beautiful film and story to watch and feel. can i stress this any more?

routh looks and sounds like christopher reeve. he doesn't do much acting other than that impression and, to be honest, he didn't really need to do much more. bosworth is stunning, and she plays a lois lane that's much more modern and much less annoying than margot kidder. i get why superman fell for her now, i fell for her. that was never the case for me before. and spacey and parker posey just work so easily together, both evil and light.

it's not a perfect movie. i didn't care for the end. in fact, it was hokey. and routh and bosworth are just too young for the roles they play - especially since this story takes place five years after superman II. and i didn't dig the ending. but what i didn't mind - at all, actually - was the whole jesus/superman allegory. and, at times, it seemed heavyhanded. but it's told in such glorious terms that i just really didn't mind it much, if at all.

one more thing: hbo has been playing "superman" and "superman II" a lot recently. i love those films, even though when you watch them back-to-back, you see how richard donner and richard lester gave them vastly different feels. anyways, this film, bryan singer's film, references a ton from both of them, and it's a really welcomed extra layer of storytelling. if you can, check them out before this one.

did i mention how gorgeous this film is?

Friday, August 11, 2006

how this sad story is written hilariously

fred the undercover kittie has been murdered by an oncoming car.

that is sad.

here's some of his career highlights, from

He posed as a would-be patient to help police nab a man pretending to be a veterinarian.

Fred had been "preparing for a new career in education," with a "significant role" in a classroom program that teaches children how to care for animals.

okay, he did not pose as a would be patient. he was sent to the poseur-vet. he didn't do much. he didn't purr his way in. he didn't fake an injury. he was dropped off with the vet. or with a senior citizen. or with a clown. what does it matter. he had no idea.

and he was not preparing for a new career. he was not working towards his masters. he did not put together class plans. plainly put, he was going to be petted in front of children.

how do i know this? because he met his end by being run over by a car. and trust me, something that was intelligent enough to go undercover for the police and also has a significant role in teaching children probably would also know to look both ways before he crossed.

call it a hunch.

how this has to be the least ambitious mugger ever

see what happens when you don't have a.c. slater around as your muscle anymore.

oh, mr. belding!

how tramps like us were born to run away from something like this

these painted glasses inspired by the lyrics of bruce springsteen songs actually achieve what previously seemed impossible: they make a song by the boss look and feel like the front cover of a trashy romance novel.

fabio would be proud. little stevie would be crying.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

how it doesn't take much, people

honestly, is it really a big deal if you don't have your toothpaste, saline solution, lipstick and hair gel right beside you on an airplane? would it really throw you off if you check it in with the rest of your stuff?

i'm watching the news and they have some clips of people complaining about the inconvenience. i mean, it's only our lives at stake, and although your individual hand lotion might not be detonated, someone else's might. and we don't have the time to figure out who. we're all in.

then again, god forbid if you don't brish your teeth while flying over iowa. and it truly is the end of the world if a perfect stranger sees you in baggage claim with worn out lipstick. and what will people think if you exit the plane and your hair spray stopped working? the person who runs the cinnabon stand might see you. that's terrible.

how about making a small sacrifice for the greater good? nah. that would be responsible.


but not as big as the assholes on tv who say, "can cosmetics really cause your plane to detonate? after the break, find out how." how about we don't? how about we not give any ideas to people too lazy to look it up? how about a little restraint in the interest of being intelligent for once? how about we choose common sense over ratings?

nah. that would be responsible.

how you can't trust adults with a child's game

i just read a disgusting article involving the worst of adults in little league baseball - and, shockingly, it's one that doesn't involve staten island and/or parents brawling.

in the championship game of a 10-year-old baseball league in utah, a coach decided to protect their lead in the ninth inning by intentionally walking the other team's best hitter to pitch to their worst. tactically, it was a brilliant move, as the kid struck ou, winning the game and the championship for the coach.

okay, now here's the rub: the kid who struck out is a survivor of brain cancer. he wears a helmet on the field for protective measures. his swing looks like a drag bunt.

and a coach went out of his way to break his heart.

and, before you say, "well, the other coach couldn't have possibly have known", keep in mind that he coached the kid in basketball two years before (although he claims that he, amazingly, didn't know he was sick).


why is it that it's always adults that act like children at youth events?

poor kids.

how you don't get a chance to say this too often

so i'm gonna.

i once lived with one of the stars in the big-budget hollywood teen horror movie "pulse", that premieres this friday.

okay, she might be the 16th star in the film, but still, it counts.

i'm counting it.

score one for steve.

how we all live in steven seagal's world

without a doubt, wikipedia is the funniest site on the planet.

if you’re bored, just start typing in random things in their search engine, and then read what comes up. you’ll be amazed. at least i was, when i typed in “steven seagal”.

his life reads like a steven seagal movie.

i’ve copied and pasted the best parts here. but, for starters, this one is my favorite:

part owns a ranch with mel gibson and adam west for children with learning difficulties to ride horses and to learn survival skills.

steven seagal, mel gibson and adam west. seriously, how awesomely unintentionally funny is that place? can i go? please?

anyways, here’s more goodness:

seagal claims that he battled the yakuza (japanese mafia) over the rights to the tenshin dojo, which he claims that his wife's father lost in a gambling game; however his former wife claims "it's a lie," and that he yelled at some drunks, but "never fought anyone." he was the dojo-cho (chief instructor) of the dojo until he left in 1982, after spending about 10 years in japan; however his wife likewise stated that seagal never properly earned his title, claiming that the judge was a "drunk who was asleep during the testing."

seagal reportedly has been rough on stuntmen. during the filming of "exit wounds", he injured a number of stuntmen, as well as his co-star, dmx. he also would reportedly "kick guys in the nuts to see if they were wearing cups".

vanity fair quotes an actress who described seagal's new spin on the casting-couch lure. according to the woman, seagal had asked her to take off her top and groped her breasts in order to show her where her spiritual "meridian points" were located.

seagal has gained some notoriety for being a bigamist.

seagal's real-life martial arts skill and status as a high-ranked tibetan buddhist have also placed him in the role of godfather to a tibetan child, yabshi Ppan rinzinwangmo.

in 1997, one of his teachers gave him this name as he proclaimed him a tulku, a reincarnation of a tibetan lama, the treasure revealer of palyul monastery.

in seagal's early aikido years in japan, a dog approached him. seagal described feeling as if he had known this white dog forever. after keeping the dog for a few days, the dog (by barking) warned seagal that his dojo was on fire. seagal quickly summoned help to put out the conflagration. seagal never saw the dog again.

seagal was questioned by police in 2002 as part of "operation ore" over suspicions that he has images of child pornography on his home computer, he was however found innocent.

seagal's youngest child with kelly lebrock was named after the family nanny, arrissa. seagal went on to become romantically involved with the nanny, who then became pregnant with his child.

and here’s some of his fantastic quotes:

"when i walk into a room some people see a dog, some people see a cow. i am all of what they see. it is their perception."

"i am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, rather than a sex symbol."

"i’m a very funny guy, if you’ll forgive me for saying so. when i did 'the glimmer man' with keenan ivory wayans, he and i were talking about who was funniest, and i think i kicked his ass every day."

god bless you, steven seagal, ranch owner, yakuza fighter, dojo-cho, groin kicker, dog converser, casting couch innovator, innocent child pornographer, nanny dedicater, nanny lover and funniest man on the planet.

what a life.

how maybe in a week, this will be funny

in fact, this makes me piss my pants. of course, in a literal way today but in a metaphorical way later.

how all i'm asking for is some good vibes

every tuesday at noon, the emergency alarm blares in san francisco. it's a deafening noise, and no matter your vicinity from downtown, you're gonna hear it. there's no avoiding it.

why am i bringing this up? my buddy edmund is sick, and there's not much anyone of us can do to physically help him. but every tuesday, when the alarm goes off, it can't hurt to think some positive thoughts about him. it's free, and maybe it'll do a world of good.

get through it, edmund. we're all with you.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

how, in retrospect, kimchee actually didn't do such a bad job

once upon a time, there was a ugandan giant named kamala who terrorized wrestling rings across america. he would chop and splash his opponents into pancakes, while howling and slapping his stomach. this is how anyone would react when stolen away from your home in deepest, darkest africa by a masked man named kimchee.

at least he kept hold of his stereotypical roots.

nowadays, kamala seems to have adapted well to this place we call the united states. he's now a lounge singer backed by a casio keyboard set to bossa nova and "random", and he's performing in front of various venues in the south.

i only hope - nay, pray - that he dresses on stage like he did in the ring.

Monday, August 07, 2006

how you gotta put a body on merv

okay, this isn't you tube + public access, but it is you tube + badly produced local news, and trust me, it's fantastic on every level.

it's the deion sanders of unintentional comedy.

and you gotta put a body on merv.

how you can't trust hollywood for anything

the last thing that hollywood would ever be aligned with is some sort of dignity or couth. in fact, unless those were the names of two blackface performers, those words have never been spoken anywhere near there.

that's why i have a problem with doing movies about 9/11. hollywood just wouldn't have any sort of idea how to make it, how to be creatively sensitive with it, how to market it. they're only concerned about making money, and when that's the bottom line - and it always is in hollywood - then nothing will get in the way.

especially dignity or couth.

"world trade center" is the latest (and hopefully, the last) movie about the worst day of our nation's life. a smart, careful hollywood would have hired a sensitive, subtle director to handle such a horrible subject.

with that being said, could you have found a worse storyteller for this job than oliver stone? i mean, i loved "platoon". he was perfect for that - heavyhanded and aggro. but for this, with open wounds still bleeding?


anyways, here's what got me riled up about this topic this morning. the newest "fad" to hit marketers is to set up a myspace page, where you can link up your area to your friend's areas and therefore make a large web of connections. it's just another way of the internet making the world smaller. i'm all for it.

so movies have their own myspace pages. become a friend of "spiderman" or "x-men" or "superman". it makes sense.

except for, you know, the darkest day in our country's history. it would seem like linking to become a friend to a day when our country's mindset and hearts were shattered irrevocably would be stupid beyond recognition. just the tiniest of thought, you would think, would at least have been put into this.


here's the myspace page for "world trade center". hollywood wants you to become a friend of an american tragedy. and buy a ticket now!

well done, hollywood. well done.


Sunday, August 06, 2006

how i also learned this from the book i'm reading

from "a crack in the edge of the world", a book about the history of the san francisco earthquake of 1906:

it was owned by claus spreckels, the sucrose magnate whose fondness for younger women is said by some to have given us the term "sugar daddy".

the inane trivia just keeps on rolling.

how i want to feel bad for this guy, but i don't

like i've said before, nothing beats the marriage of youtube and public access television.

and once you throw in a live call-in show that takes place in new york, then you've got the magic of pure hilarity.

so it goes without saying that, although this is old, it's still also brilliant.

god bless.

how i hope it's not the shoe that makes the man

after a thirteen year absence from not only playing ball but buying a pair of basketball sneakers, i dove right back in. the lure of the open courts at the jcc just proved to be too strong. and my chuck taylors aren't gonna cut it, no matter how much i've lost on my vertical.

anyways, i've been tempted to buy a pair in years past, but lets face it, there aren't too many things uglier than a pair of basketball sneakers. it's as if they are daring people to buy them and wear them purely on the player who sponsors it (although, for my money, nothing is as elegant as an old school air jordan).

but with my ankles in terrible shape, i set out to find a pair that not only looked alright but also would keep my ligaments and bone from snapping.

that wasn't too easy. but i finally found one. here they are:

and, if you actually believe that the player is begat from the shoe he wears, then you gotta believe that i'm gonna ignore my teammates, thrill everyone with unbelieveable bursts of scoring, basically quit on my team in the playoffs just to make a petty point and then rape a hotel employee in colorado.

watch out, jcc.

Friday, August 04, 2006

how it's even worse when you look at it like this

take everyone you know in the world, and then add up their salaries. actually, add up every cent they've ever earned in their lives. then add up every cent they're probably gonna earn in their lifetimes. then multiply that number by a thousand. whatever you get, however much money that adds up to, still cannot be anywhere near the net worth of this bumbling idiot.

go capitalism!

Thursday, August 03, 2006

how i am a meat man, not a meet man

unfortunately, that's a little different than what this junk mailer is looking for with friendships to share:

Hello have a good day,
I am not sure where to begin,it is first time I try to meet on internet.
Can I send pictures of me? I am 25-old russian girl. I want meet man in americas.
Maybe we share friendships. Please respond, I await :)

guess i'm sol.

how i learn something new every day

from the book "a crack in the edge of the world" about the san francisco earthquake in 1906:

the term "shanghaI' took on another meaning in 19th century san francisco. when someone would round up an unpayable debt from whoring, drinking and gambling, a loan shark would sell him off to a shanghai, who would find the debtor, bind him up, bring him on board a ship headed to china, and sell him to the captain as the ship set sail.

i also learned that the union square section of san francisco wasn't named after a place where people united - although it's not too far from that. union square refers to where people would gather and voice their displeasure against the confederate states in the civil war. the "union" refers to the northern united states.

see, it's cool to read books.

how i need my own existance to be questioned

so that i can have lunatics like leah remini and penelope cruz say prewritten and preapproved remarks about me like, "he's really beautiful," or "he's normal size."

if only i had scientology-crazed parents, including a brainwashed mother and a "straight" father, whose relationship was kept together with a iron-clad negotiated five-year contract.

if only.

how the rest of august is gonna have to step up its game

normally, i would place seeing a tourist walking around san francisco in full safari gear (did happen) as the top thing to happen to me this day. but we're not even 72 hours into august, and i think i've already found my highlight for the month.

as a man walked into macy's in union square, he was also doing the very strange hygenic action of combing his mustache.

yes, he was combing his mustache.

let me paint a bigger picture: he was very foppish. very old timey. in his seventies. wearing a blazer and a hat in 70 degree heat. he was distinguished in a mortimer-and-randolph sort of way. this was the man who used a plastic black comb to neaten up his grey haired mustache.

all of this done, you know, to please the ladies.

thank you, god.

how athletes are guilty until proven innocent

and, to be honest, when it comes to steroids, they've got nobody to blame but themselves.

if my memory serves me correct, just one athlete was stepped up and taken full responsibility for their cheating (and nobody gives a rat's ass for matt lawton). jason giambi admitted it after years of denying it, and only did so when in the midst of a grand jury subpoena, not thinking it would have been leaked. doesn't count.

rafael palmiero pointed to a camera in court. barry bonds has books of evidence against him. the list goes on and on and on.

the newest frauds, justin gatlin and floyd landis, just issue another in a long line in weak excuses.

gatlin claims that his trainer rubbed some sort of sauve on him that caused his raised testosterone level. please.

as of today, landis has blamed drinking, a cortisone shot and his own body to account for his high testosterone levels. too bad he measured for an artificial amount.

is it too much to cheat and then live up to it?

unfortunately, this isn't just an epidemic in the athletic field. god knows that politics is ripe with it, even recently from clinton to bush. corporate america lies and lies again. celebrities like martha stewart lie and cover up the obvious. and the thing of it is that if they just admitted their wrongs in the first place, the damage would be limited.

but nobody does. it's easy and it's right. and we can't have any of that.

and, because of that, whether it's an athlete taking steroids or an executive defrauding his employees, they're always gonna be guilty until proven innocent because nobody has proven any honest worth.

we see giambi hitting the tar off the ball, and why shouldn't we assume? roger clemens does stuff on a baseball mound that no forty-year-old has ever had, and we assume. even albert pujols, the best player in baseball, should be assumed. i don't need to go on. everyone is under suspicion.

if only someone had stood up and righted this wrong at a time when it was needed, and not when it's too late.

it's just the state of this country today.

how this kid should be getting his own sneaker any day now

isiah thomas just signed this three-year-old to a muliti million dollar deal. and he might just be worth it.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

how i would be lost without the marriage of youtube and public access television

i know that i might write this statement a couple of times a year, but seriously, this is the funniest and weirdest thing i've seen in a long time.

and it blows my mind that this guy was able to think of all these things and put them together seamlessly.

and by seamlessly, i mead ludicrously.

i couldn't get enough of it. so here's the third part and the finale. and let's keep it logical, okay?

how i'm not sure if i'm ready for this

i kinda think this is brilliant and flawed, and i don't have $20,000 to try it out, but no matter what comes of it, save me obi-wan kenobi, you're my only hope.

how if "stupid" is the new "off the hook"

then the new tom cruise is mel gibson.