Sunday, December 30, 2007

how meaningless can suddenly become meaningful and yet stay meaningless

when i made christmas travel plans, i recognized that the giants and pats would be playing a game on saturday night, and i figured that would be a great way to spend half of my cross-country trip on jet blue. i didn't think much of the giants at that time, and didn't think they would put up any sort of fight.

obviously, i was wrong. eli played like the eli we've been waiting for. they ran the ball down new england's throat. they played with passion and purpose. and, although they'd already made the playoffs, they turned a meaningless game into something meaningful - added confidence and arrogance into the only football season that matters.

and yet, i rendered it meaningless.

i didn't take into consideration how my emotions would translate on a plane. i didn't realize that i couldn't yell or high five or throw stuff. every emotion i had came into the form of a fist pump - either good or bad. it wad frustrating.

i should have had faith in my g-men. i should have watched it with my father and my brother. i should have yelled and screamed and been myself and found other ways to spend six hours on an airplane.

hell, it would have been meaningful because i would have been with them, and that's all that would have mattered, meaningless game or not.

dammit. the giants didn't blow it last night. i did.

how i've been too fat to blog

it's true.


Wednesday, December 19, 2007

how i'm not sure which is the scariest

A. mommy jamie-lynn
B. aunt britney
C. grandma lynne

at least uncle k-fed will bring the sanity.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

how knicks fans are in the middle of an elaborate dare

anybody else get the impression that the knicks fanbase is caught up in the middle of a huge elaborate dare?

isiah is daring dolan to fire him by making idiotic signings and acting less like an executive and more like a thug.

dolan is daring isiah to behave like that by paying off his sexual harassment settlement and absolving isiah of any wrongdoing.

so isiah dares dolan further by not playing the most effective players on his roster.

so then dolan sees that and dares isiah again to act even more like an idiot by making his standards for a firing to be impossible to reach.

so isiah raises the bar by daring dolan to fire him by kicking marbury off the team, learning that his team doesn't want him back and then plays him 33 minutes in a return.

what imbecilic dare will dolan do next?

the knick fandom holds their breath and gags in unison.

Monday, December 17, 2007

how "also notable" is better than not noticeable at all

i'm proud that my agency was named interactive agency of the year by shoot magazine.

and i'm really proud that the lebron work is "also notable".

kudos to everyone.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

how this is truly the whole truth about the baseball steroids era

of everything i've read about the mitchell report, this article is easily the best to explain how inadequate and unfair it is. and although it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be, it's still pretty much what i feared it would be.

buster olney's article is reprited below, before it becomes an insider that you have to pay for. it's about at smart and concise you'll find about the subject.

Mitchell lacked critical insight
by Buster Olney

After the commissioner's office received access to the report, word leaked out that the Mitchell Report was tough on Major League Baseball; the advance notice was that individuals within the MLB offices were upset, angry. Which is, of course, what Major League Baseball needs everybody to believe: That it really got thumped.

Then George Mitchell stood in front of a microphone and said out loud, "Everybody involved in baseball -- commissioners, club officials, the players association and the players -- shares responsibility to some extent for the Steroids Era. There was a collective failure to recognize the problem and deal with it early on." Baseball had a drug culture, Mitchell said, a nice general thesis that was fresh when it was first reported years ago by the San Francisco Chronicle, ESPN, the New York Daily News, Sports Illustrated and just about every other major news outlet.

But if you expected any critical insight from the report into how that culture developed, well, forget it. Baseball's leaders should send a Christmas basket to Mitchell for the way he glossed over the decisions -- their decisions -- that created the vacuum in which hundreds or even thousands of players, in the majors and minors, felt free, or felt the need, to take drugs.

Oh, sure, Giants general manager Brian Sabean looks awful in anecdotes on pages 122-126 of the report, and union counsel Gene Orza is alleged to have tipped off a player to a forthcoming test. But the report is almost wholly absent of a direct examination and assessment of how the decisions of Don Fehr and Bud Selig led us to where we are today.

We are told of the alleged drug use of 86 players by name, but nothing that addresses almost all of the big-picture questions: Why did baseball not act decisively after the sport's first steroid scandal, around Jose Canseco, during the 1988 World Series? Why did the owners and union leaders do nothing?

In a 1995 article in the Los Angeles Times, Selig made reference to a meeting in which owners discussed steroids. What was said, specifically, in those meetings? What were owners saying about the change in size in bodies? What were they saying about the Athletics of the late '80s, the Reds of 1990, the Rangers of the early '90s, the Phillies of 1993?

We are told that after the noteworthy L.A. Times piece was published in 1995, with quotes addressing the perceived rise of steroid use from Frank Thomas, Tony Gwynn, GMs Randy Smith and Kevin Malone and Selig, there was no follow-up. Why not? What was Selig's thinking? Why didn't he view these words as an alarm in the night? Why didn't he ask Thomas, Gwynn, Malone and Smith about what they knew? Why didn't he do something? Why was it that when Kevin Towers spoke out loud in the spring of 2005 about how executives in the game had known for years about steroid use, he was admonished by baseball executives? Why did Selig issue a public gag order on executives on the issue of steroids?

In fact, there is no mention of Towers' statement in the report. There is virtually no information within the report about the players' union deliberations and conversations about steroids during the mid-'90s. Where was Fehr? Where was Orza? What were they saying and doing? What was being said in the meetings? We understand that the union didn't cooperate with the Mitchell investigators, but there have been many newspaper and magazine stories written about this, and Mitchell could have cut-and-pasted all of this for context, as he did in so many other places in the report.

The commissioner had full autonomy over the minor leagues and could have implemented drug testing at any time. So why did it take 13 years after the Canseco scandal to do so? What were owners saying about all this in meetings? Is it true, as sources indicate, that one owner was so fed up with the union wars that he said, in so many words, If the players want to kill themselves by taking that stuff, then let them. It's not our problem.

We got a whole lot of information about the symptoms of the problem -- the cases of individual players -- but almost nothing about the virus of failed leadership that is the root of baseball's drug culture.

Selig has said that he wanted the report because it would show that he had nothing to hide. But it was, in fact, another example of a lack of leadership, a lack of accountability.

In March of 2006, he could have stood up, perhaps with Fehr at his side, and said: We blew it. The entire institution of baseball shared in this failure to ask the right questions at the right time, and failed to take the right action at the right time. But we could learn the full extent of how pervasive that problem was, so the best thing that we could do would be to strengthen our drug-testing program as much as possible, and move forward.

A number of executives who work for Selig believed, in March of 2006, that a mea culpa was the best action possible for the sport. But Selig has never been someone to admit mistakes. So he hired a baseball executive to investigate the sport, paying Mitchell and his firm tens of millions of dollars -- and the leaders of the sport largely got a pass.

And it's possible that in lieu of Selig standing up and taking the hit for his sport, individual players and the game itself may suffer enormous collateral damage.

None of that excuses the individual decisions that were allegedly made by players. Look, if Barry Bonds or Roger Clemens or others took performance-enhancing drugs, then they have to live with the ramifications of their actions.

But it's possible, as Fehr said, that players have had their reputations wrecked forever, and perhaps wrongly.

Mitchell established his own standard of fairness, his own standard of proof. A lawyer within baseball said early this week that because Mitchell had so much power, in deciding which names to include in the report, that he really needed to go on beyond a reasonable doubt in the cases of individual players.

And this, he did not do.

On page 146 of the report, it is written that former Mets clubhouse attendant Kirk Radomski provided information, and in "many cases, his statements were corroborated by other evidence."

What the report does not say is that in many cases, the statements of Radomski, former Oriole Larry Bigbie and others were not corroborated by other evidence.

Now, we cannot be naïve to the probability that most and perhaps even all of the players named in the report used performance-enhancing drugs, and that the impact of steroid use on the game and the results of games has been nothing short of extraordinary. The belief here has been for some time that perhaps 75 percent of the major awards won from 1988 forward were done so with the use of performance-enhancing drugs, and we should assume that championship teams for the last 20 years probably fielded one or more players using the stuff. But Mitchell effectively ignored the possibility that in some cases, Radomski's version of events, or that of Larry Bigbie, might be untrue or inaccurate. If Kirk Radomski says he talked to you about steroids or sold them to you, well, Mitchell's Report embedded Radomski's version of events into history.

Mitchell clearly was frustrated with the lack of cooperation from the active Players Association. But for some former players, challenging Radomski's assertions didn't make a bit of difference: Mitchell went full-speed ahead with the naming of names, in the face of denials, just as he did in the face of silence.

"It was," said one Major League Baseball lawyer, "nothing short of reckless."

Brian Roberts is in the report, on page 158, because Bigbie told the Mitchell investigators that Roberts "admitted to him that he had injected himself once or twice with steroids in 2003."

That's it.

Radomski told investigators that he sold steroids to Matt Franco, and the former Mets player denied this. There is no other evidence. A case of he-said, he-said. And Franco is in the report, on page 165.

Jack Cust is in the report because of a Bigbie interview. Nothing more.
Mark Carreon: Radomski interview, and nothing more.
Todd Williams: Radomski interview.
Phil Hiatt: Radomski interview.
Todd Pratt: Radomski interview.
Mike Stanton: Radomski interview.

In the cases of other players, the corroborative evidence is the fact that a phone number or address is in a book owned by Radomski.

These players could sue, of course; Roger Clemens's lawyer said his client has been "slandered," and he, more than any other player in the report, has the money to go head-to-head with Major League Baseball, which indemnified Mitchell in the event of possible lawsuits.

But that probably isn't going to happen, and in any event, a lawsuit isn't going to change the reality that a player's name is in the Mitchell Report, forever. There's not a damn thing you can do to change that if you are Brian Roberts and you just might be innocent; George Mitchell has already been the prosecutor, judge and jury in his case.

The issue of the Steroids Era is multi-layered, with nobody really clean. For instance: There has never been anything tying pitcher Tom Glavine to the use of performance-enhancing drugs, and when his name appears on the Hall of Fame ballot, he will presumably be voted overwhelmingly on the first ballot, as a 300-game winner -- and rightly so. But in the '90s, Glavine was probably in the best position, among all players, to influence the velocity with which the Players Association dealt with the growing problem of steroids, as a leader in the union.

He had been willing to go to the White House in the midst of the players' strike and stand up for the union, but as steroids became more prevalent, he -- like Fehr, like Orza, like Selig -- did little or nothing. In the big picture, his decisions had a lot more practical impact in the rise of the steroid problem than Jason Grimsley or Chuck Knoblauch.

(And as has been written here and elsewhere many times before, I believe I did a lousy job covering this issue in the '90s).

It's true that the problem really started with the players who cheated. They deserve most of the blame, and in the casting of the Mitchell Report, it is the players, generally, who are blamed the most.

But you cannot issue a credible report without fully addressing the actions of the most powerful men in the game, the caretakers of the sport in the '90s: Fehr, Orza, Selig.

A last thought: Baseball executives express their frustration often over the fact that their sport is scrutinized more than any other, at a time when baseball is hardly alone in its struggles to cope with performance-enhancing drug abuse. They've ceded their right to complain about that now, because Selig made the decision to plow ahead with an internal investigation that had no chance of ever providing the full context of the problem, something that the commissioners of the NBA and the NFL have never done.

Friday, December 14, 2007

how we have this year's "little miss sunshine", except somehow impossibly better

starring ellen page, michael cera, jason bateman and jennifer garner
written by diablo cody
directed by jason reitman
viewed at the sundance kabuki, san francisco, ca

every movie is made of characters. they are fake. they don't exist. and most of the time, they are just nothing more than flat caricatures, fleshed out cliches, completely unrelatable in every way. but sometimes, a character is created that is so unique, real, cool and brilliantly human, that they completely grab you and you just fall in love with them.

i would like to introduce the world to juno macguff.

actually, she'll do it herself, along with the other kinds of shenanigans that she could get herself into.

i don't want to give anything away. so even beyond the non-stop laughs, this is a feel good movie that really makes you feel. it's superbly written by the freshest voice in years. jason reitman directs it with the gentlest touch it deserves. and the acting is just dead on, from the always brilliant michael cera and j.k. simmons to jason bateman and even jennifer garner. and, obviously, ellen page, who takes the words that make up juno in the script and turns her into the most engaging character to hit the screen in years.

if this is not the best film this year, then it's surely the most entertaining.

how i can finally be in the same sentence as michael jordan, bo jackson, charles barkley, lebron james and kobe bryant

as in, we've all appeared in a nike ad.


go here, check out the banner ad at the top, and watch either oakland during the day or atlanta at night time. the odds are great you'll see me, lighting it up from the outside.


(yes, i wrote myself into a nike ad. is that so wrong?)

Thursday, December 13, 2007

how they can use this script for free

we open on a golf course. roger clemens' cellphone rings. he walks away from the tee and answers it.

ROGER: hey honey, if my name is brought up on that report, tell me now.

cut to his wife, talking and screaming at the top of her lungs, but we don't hear a thing.

cut back to roger, pumping his fist.

ROGER: thanks hon. great news.

roger turns back to the tee and pats andy pettitte on the ass.

the new AT&T.

how as a mets fan

i still sincerely hope that derek jeter, bernie williams, jorge posada and mariano rivera are not fingered in the mitchell commission report. those guys transcend the pinstripes they wear.

and, of course, beyond any sort of measurement standards, i obviously pray to the best of my abilities that david wright and jose reyes come out scott free too.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

how modern-day baseball is much like the food industry

i'm reading this awesome book called "what to eat", in which this nutritionist breaks down where food comes from, what's pumped into it, what is organic, what's best for us, what happens if we eat toxic food and so on. it's a primer to educate a food idiot like me to make better choices in a supermarket - or a whole foods, which is now where i need to do all my shopping (more on this eye-opening book later).

anyways, the biggest shocker in the book is how the government food agencies that we rely upon for health regulations - the FDA and the USDA - actually don't give a crap about health. i mean, okay, they do, but it's tertiary, because their most important responsibility is to promote growth within the industry of food. and that means, simply, to make money, shortcuts are needed, and when those shortcuts are put into effect (additives, hormones, farming conditions, etc), the consumers suffer with a weaker and more dangerous product.

but they obviously can't say that. so they manipulate the nutritional labels to tell us basically a fourth of the story. "20% lean" sounds healthy until you realize that it really means "80% saturated fat". "natural food" sounds healthy, but that means it only follows a couple of organic guidelines. "farmed fresh seafood" sounds healthy because of the words "farmed" and "fresh", but those words take completely different meanings with fish.

the onus is on the consumer to eat healthy food, and not on the producer to make it or sell it. get them to buy it, and all bets are off.

what am i getting at? you can't trust the people who are sell you shit. their only intent is to make money and protect themselves.

that's kinda how i'm looking at the mitchell commission's study about steroids in baseball. i can't help but believe that a study authored by a co-owner of the red sox would implicate his fellow co-owners, who if they didn't sign off on it, they encouraged. and i can't help but believe that they're not going to implicate those who can't help themselves - the trainers and the general managers - who also knew but were powerless. and i can't help but believe that it's not gonna try to take a chunk out of the ballplayers who did it - but more importantly, the ballplayers whose salaries take a big bite out of their bottom lines. it's going to be worded that way. it's just impossible to trust and, to be honest, i don't know exactly what it's going to change.

although things are different for steroids, you can't test for HGH, and it wasn't illegal when ballplayers took it - and there doesn't seem to be any side effects found yet.

but it's something else to blame.

it's just the way big business works.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

how context changes everything

without context, this photo is about:

- strippers dressed as nuns for halloween
- nuns waiting for the strip club to open for the all-you-can-eat lunch buffet
- sister mary hearing "pour some sugar on me" and getting all jiggy
- nuns spitting on the wall of a strip club
- nuns checking out the rumor that an apparition of the virgin mary appeared in the reflection of a stripper pole
- nuns angling for a possible kid rock sighting
- nuns mistaking a possible kid rock sighting as a possible jesus sighting
- nuns asking if they can use one of the private rooms as a possible confessional
- nuns looking to spend those extra singles that "fell out" of the collection basket

it's actually nuns protesting a strip club opening in their neighborhood.


how the holidays is a time of cleansing

like, for example, cleaning out the inbox on my hotmail account, and suddenly being able to walk upright, without an anchor dragging behind me, suddenly 85 pounds lighter and detached from any sort of e-commitments.

so, if you're taking your time to clean out your inbox this holiday season, i do recommend it. hey, you might even sleep better at night.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

how i didn't need yet another reason to admire the guy, and yet, here's another

as if creating characters such as the masturbating bear,, the offensive radio singer ghost and coked-up werewolf wasn't genius enough, conan o'brien announced that he is paying his staff members out of his own pocket, even though production on his show has been shut down due to the writer's strike.

that rocks.

and letterman, leno and finally jimmy kimmel are all doing the same.


Wednesday, December 05, 2007

how most of us have spent our entire lifetimes looking for this

and here it is, on ebay, as if it would be anywhere else. it'd make for the perfect holiday present, even moreso than "guitar hero".

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

how clooney doesn't fool around

sorry that this has been the steveohville film review recently, but there's no better time for it than now.

starring george clooney, tom wilkinson, tilda swinton and sydney pollack
written and directed by tony gilroy
viewed at the empire, san francisco, ca

i was talking to my buddy will about this, and he mentioned that he watched (or read) an interview with tony gilroy, who not only wrote and directed this film, but also wrote the bourne movies. he said that by directing his own scripts, he's given the power to protect his dialogue and to actually make the characters speak, to say something, to emote with their words.

of course, a movie like this, about a large agricultural company hiding the truth about their harmful pesticides and their defense lawyer who begins peeling off an even deeper truth, well, it needs words. many words. but they need to be written in a way where you're not being told what to think, but led along the right path. there's a fine line between compelling and boring.

tony gilroy, you did one helluva job.

this movie reminds me much of michael mann's "the insider" - tough, strong, intelligent, with an extremely skillful cast and an explosive ending that, for some reason, you just don't see coming (at least i didn't). it leads you to places you don't expect but completely logical. it offers reasons and motives that don't insult. it treats you like an adult, and expects the same in return.

it's an intelligent movie, one of the very best of this year.

how wikipedia is god blessed

even though it mocks my alma mater, this is awesome, and it answers many questionable boxscores.

Monday, December 03, 2007

how a cattle drive can last for 857 wonderful pages

i really don't do many of these. maybe i should.

more than one person had recommended this book to me. that's more than enough for me to seek it out and jump into it. usually, the recos are dead on.

in this case, i owe thanks.

if ever 857 pages could fly, then these are the words that give it wings. if ever 857 pages could not seem tedious, then these are the characters that do the heavy lifting. and if 857 pages could leave me wanting 857 more, then this is the author who could deliver them.

i've never read a book with such masterful patience. for example, nothing much actually or physically happened throughout the first 250 pages, but trust me, so much happened. and it just felt so real, so honest, so pitch perfect, even for a time that happened 100 years past doing things that have been long gone from the modern age.

a cattle drive from south texas to northern montana should not be this interesting, compelling and brilliant. but it was.

thank you, my recommedators.

how i was there for an amazing performance

starring christian bale, cate blanchett, heath ledger and others
written and directed by todd haynes
viewed at the empire, san francisco, ca

i'm gonna get this out of the way first: this is a great film, and an amazing achievement in storytelling. bob dylan's life is not told linearly or even literally, but you get it. my lord, do you get it. if you don't know the man after you leave this film, then you just weren't paying attention. and, much like the artist, it was told by not following the rules. bravo. a tremendous achievement.

in fact, outside of the richard gere segments, everyone was tremendous. and it's not that gere was terrible; he just wasn't as good, and his part wasn't as compelling. but there's so much to this, just so much, that you just sink your teeth into it and allow yourself to drown in it. and the soundtrack? wonderful. as if you had to ask.

now that all that is out of the way, the rest of this will be about the brilliance of cate blanchett. and i'm not just talking about conquering the obvious obstacles of a woman playing a male role, but playing as a male with an incredible deal going on. she was mesmerizing.

how good and absorbing was she? during my five minute post-film gushing about her, the first lady of steveohville asked me what character did cate blanchett play. i mean, she played the lead character, and the first lady had no idea. how amazing is that?

this is easily one of the best films i've seen this year. but moreso, cate blanchett's performance is one for the ages. check her out. she's incredible. bob dylan has never been so appealing.

Friday, November 30, 2007

how a fire under an ass can do wonders

i'm not sure what's gotten into "the sports guy" on, but he's been churning out great articles recently. it's like he's in that magical groove from a couple of years ago, when each article became an event to any sports freak with a laptop.

let's break it down: first, he wrote that article about taking his 2-year-old daughter to an NBA game. then, his marathon seven hour chat. and now, here's letter to himself in 1982, and it's dead-on great. also, his football picks are hilarious, like this one:

Jets (+1) over DOLPHINS
While we're passing out congrats, kudos to Ricky Williams for staging the worst comeback since Screech's porn video. Anyway, can you think of any situation in which an 0-11 team should be favored unless it's playing a team fighting a roster-wide case of mononucleosis or something? Is this the lowest moment in Jets history? They're getting points from an 0-11 team! That's almost worse than being an 0-11 team, isn't it?

how i don't know why this struck me as funny as it did, but goddamn it, it did

i stopped finding paris hilton funny a long time ago. but, then again, you should never say never.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

how i think too much about the knicks

this was posted during bill simmons' epic chat yesterday on,

Otis (Toronto, ON): how close are we to having the Knicks banished to the WNBA?

Bill Simmons: (12:29 PM ET ) That a boy, Otis! I like the idea of banishing the Knicks to the WNBA - Renaldo Balkman would be the 10th most attractive player in the league.

that got me thinking: how would the knicks do in the WNBA?

i have two different takes on this: realistically and honestly.

realistically, the WNBA champs detroit mercury couldn't even come close to matching up physically with them.

6'11" eddy curry would be guarded by 6'4" tangela smith.
6'11" zach randolph would be guarded by 6'1" penny taylor.
6'4" quentin richardson would be guarded by 6'0" diana taurasi.
6'5" jamal crawford would be guarded by 5'10" kelly miller.
6'3" stephon marbury would be guarded by 5'9" cappie pondexter.

taking the obvious advantages in strength, speed and athleticism (no offense to any of the ladies out there), but i can't fathom how they would ever stop the knicks.

physically, the mercury trots out there looking like a small high school boy's team (but better, obviously) taking on an NBA team.

and defensively? again, huge size, strength, speed and athletic advantages to the knicks. and although the knicks are dreadfully and embarrassingly terrible at help defense, they wouldn't have to leave their man. the mercury would score. it would just be very difficult.

so realistically, the knicks wouldn't lose.

honestly, they might.

you see, all isiah would have to do is force the ball down low to curry and randolph. there's nothing anyone on the mercury can do to stop them. in fact, the knicks would only be stopped by themselves.

and how? well, marbury and crawford would get pissed off at curry and randolph scoring so easily. so, at some point, the passes would stop. and marbury and crawford would start chucking it up. again, many of them would go in. but not all of them. and judging what we've seen from randolph and curry, they'd probably begin to sulk.

and by sulk, that means going from being the two worst defenders in history and eliminating any sort of effort and care.

scoring would be easier.

and isiah's already lost the team, so it's not like they'd listen to him whenever he comes up with a "solution".

so, realistically? no. but honestly?

i've already spent too much time on this.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

how i will rock on and get connected worldwide, thank you

it takes something like this that puts everything else in my life in its proper place.

somewhere, in the deepest darkest regions of the internet netherworld, the bank of america guy is furiously creating a response.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

how if you're looking for something nice to do for the holidays, here's something worthwhile

my friend stacie has started a humanitarian cause called "the see and sprout project". she just landed in thailand, and is already doing her magic.

in case you're too lazy to click through, here's what it's about:

The See and Sprout Project is a creative collective, international exchange art workshop launched by Stacie Krajchir for youth in Khao Lak Thailand affected by the 2004 Asian tsunami.

Village children will be guided to create visual and written images about their feelings and perceptions about themselves, their family and their community and to explore ways of translating these feelings to people who live outside their community.

Photographs combined with stories, captions and personal journal entries will be edited into a group exhibition to share their experiences and explore the challenges they faced before the disaster, and continue to face in their daily lives.

The workshop includes children who have lost their family, friends, homes and community schools during the tsunami and beyond. How their lives are now and how they move forward having lost so much. We are launching our charter project at the incredible Baan Tham Namchai Orphanage which is a true honor.

Last year we painted classrooms, this year we are going to green a classroom... the paint will be eco-friendly as well as lighting and as many itty bitty other eco ideas I can fit in my suitcase!

there's more on the website about this, and you really should check it out. there are organizations feeding and housing people in need, and that's great. but what stacie is trying to do is to take their mind off things, doing something creative, putting smiles on faces. and, most of all, it's fun. and that's something great too.

it's too late to donate old digicameras, but they do need money to pay for printouts and shipping and all that. e-mail for more information.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

how a confusing ending can almost ruin a brilliant everything else

starring javier bardem, tommy lee jones and josh brolin
written and directed by the coen brothers
viewed at the century san francisco center, san francisco

for the first two hours of "old country of old men", i saw the very best of the coen brothers' illustrious career. i saw the most amazing film of this year so far. i saw a movie brilliantly written, directed and edited, and with truly captivating performances by bardem, jones and brolin. it was everything it was hyped up to be: a master's class in the art of storytelling.

and then, the final five minutes happened.

look, i'm not alone in this. everyone who left the theater with me was completely flummoxed. when i got home, i googled the film, and realized that reviews are flooded with people as confused as i was.

so, the question remains: does a very weird, unsettling and perplexed ending eradicate the brilliance that happened before it?

i don't think so. or, at least, not totally. "no country for old men" is still the best movie i've seen this year.

however, i can't see it winning any awards for best picture. for one, it will split votes with paul thomas anderson's "there will be blood". after all, they are very much alike, in that they are excellent in every aspect of making a film. however, there is a story arc in this one, full of resistance and drama and characters in peril. whereas anderson's movie seems like a challenge to himself, this is a masterstroke of creative geniuses.

and secondly, oh, that ending, it just can't help. it really can't. confusion works for david lynch because he's david lynch and that's what you expect. but for even the masters of the unexpected like the coens, it's just...

okay, enough about that. moving on, bardem, jones and brolin are truly awesome and worthy of any accolades they receive. the cinematography is gorgeous. and nobody edits a film with such poignancy as the coen bro...i mean, roderick jaymes. the first two hours represent the very peak of their canon.

if only.

UPDATE: so i thought about it overnight, and i'm completely changing my tune. the problem with the film is actually with the beginning in that we never know who's story it is. at the end, it's clear that the film is told through tommy lee jones' point of view. but for the mesmerizing two hours before that, we've got his story, but it's mostly about javier bardem chasing josh brolin. when we get to the ending, it's the cumulation of not the whole story, but of just tommy lee jones'.

so, despite the absolute brilliance, there just needed to be more about how this was the last chase of this lawman's career, just because the times have changed, and it's no longer just for someone his age.

damn, so close.

but it's still the best film i've seen this year.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

how if you're ever in san diego

it feels good to be a part of something real.

how only omar can turn a steaming bowl of crap into a starting catcher

good riddance to you, guillermo mota.

and good riddance to you, willie randolph's insane loyalty to guillermo mota.

i will not miss either of you.

how i need a woman to clear this up for me

on "black friday", the day after thanksgiving, women from all over this land rush to any mall they can find to buy whatever they can get their hands at a discounted rate. the later they go, the lesser of a chance they have of finding the right size. so they line up outside storefronts at the earliest break of day, in hopes of being first.

none of this is disputed, right, ladies?

here's where i'm coming from, though. why don't you do your shopping before black friday, like on "gearing up wednesday" or "i'm bored tuesday", buy whatever you want at a higher price, then bring your receipt in within 21 days for a price adjustment? this way, you spend 75% less time waiting on line, you still get it at the same price, you don't have to worry about your size being sold out, and you can stay at home on friday and laugh at the losers who didn't think of this brilliant idea.

right, ladies?


you can thank me later.

how has a new contender for the title

this website has such a simple premise, i'm kicking myself for not doing it myself.

damn me.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

how i'm barely five minutes back into atlanta

and it's pouring rain here for the first time in months, my hotel can be described as "pedestrian at best", i walked past a bar playing gospel karaoke, and i saw a buddhist monk in the hotel lobby trying to decide between mesquite bbq chips and ding dongs.

note: i have yet to hit fat matt's or a waffle house yet.


Sunday, November 11, 2007

how you can find true humanity in a fake person

starring ryan gosling, emily mortimer and paul schneider
directed by craig gillespie
written by nancy oliver
viewed at the sundance theater kabuki, san francisco

every so often, a movie comes along that is so expertly created that it shows that there can be a strong human truth found in even the clearly absurd. take "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" for instance. if left to the simpleminded, it would have been just a movie about how you can get your mind erased. but with charlie kaufman and michel gondry's amazing gifts of storytelling, it transcended into a strong human truth, that you may be able to erase the hard drive of your brain, but never the hard drive of your heart.

why did i begin with that? because a movie whose basic premise begins with a man buying a "real girl" sex toy and passing it off as his girlfriend is fraught with the very worst that slapstick can offer. in the hands of the farrelly brothers, the real doll becomes a prop. in the hands of michael bay, the real doll becomes something worth exploding, an inanimate object that stays that way until its parts are flying every which way.

but when it stands for something, when it becomes more than a prop or a target, when the filmmakers don't stoop for the easy jokes or a simple plotlines, well that's where the human truth shines through. and we can all connect to it. and it leaves us with something wholly inspiring.

that's what i felt when i left the theater with the first lady of steveohville. she felt it too. it wasn't a movie about a dude who buys a real doll and passes it off as his girlfriend. it was a movie about how love can go through great lengths when great lengths are needed. and if there's someone out there who doesn't relate to that, well, you begin to feel what ryan gosling's character was feeling.

this is the best movie i've seen so far this year, the best script i've watched this year, and gosling's performance is much more multilayered than the brilliance of daniel day-lewis' in "there will be blood".

which means that if you've got $10 and 90 minutes to spare, there's nothing better i can recommend you spending them on.

Friday, November 09, 2007

how the funniest show on tv is back with a vengeance

no, not "the office".
not "30 rock".
and no, not "curb your enthusiasm".

i'm talking "inside the NBA" with ernie johnson, kenny smith and charles barkley. and they're putting their most hilarious bits online, like the always funny "who he play for", where they ask charles where some nondescript player are playing nowadays, and it's everything that makes charles barkley the funniest character on tv, even if he's real life.

it's easily the most entertaining thing about the NBA.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

how there's awesome, and then there's this awesome

certain brands have legacies. their advertising (and who they are) becomes a history of gorgeous storytelling and compelling statements, always being much more entertaining than the content they're interrupting.

sometimes, that legacy keeps on going (nike). sometimes, that legacy ends (see volkswagon).

and sometimes, the legacy is brilliant in one part of the world and not in another.

here's the latest masterpiece to the guinness legacy of advertising in great britain. it's just as brilliant as anything else they've ever done over there (and for those uninitiated, i'm including "surfer" and "swimblack", among others).

makes me wish they ran these over here too.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

how i fear for the retribution that will be brought down on these kids

you're a nerd. you're tired of getting wedgies in the school hallways. so you invent something like this and you think that all your problems are solved.

but then you'd probably just blow it by posting something on the web like this.

(yes, i know that clip is old. but it's still damned fully, ain't it?)

Monday, November 05, 2007

how to review a movie two months before it premieres

due to the wonders of san francisco, i was able to watch a sneak preview of the latest film from one of my favorite filmmakers. here goes it:

starring daniel day-lewis and paul dano
written and directed by paul thomas anderson
viewed at the castro theater, san francisco

first off: i am a huge fan of paul thomas anderson. when everyone killed "punch drunk love", i praised it as a rousing success - because i saw the chances he took by casting adam sandler in a dramatic role, and how amazing the movie was because of it. on top of that, you all know how i feel about both "boogie nights" and "magnolia". and his first film, "hard eight", is just wonderful. the point is that he challenges himself with each film, he takes the preconceptions and turns them around and his stories aren't conventional by any means. his films are what storytelling should be, but sadly aren't. they are not about box office receipts. they are about human truths told masterfully.

so yeah, i dig his work. and when i got a chance to see his movie a full two months before everyone else got a chance to, i jumped.

and, shockingly to nobody who's read this far, it's a brilliantly made film. each shot is truly epic. daniel day-lewis is amazing, and is the odds-on favorite to win another oscar. his counterpart, paul dano, is great too. the photography that framed them is just gorgeous. the opening fifteen minutes are just wondrous. and the score by radiohead's jonny greenwood is pitch perfect. these are the pieces of this film that are beyond approach, a complete masterpiece by a master virtuoso.

there's a problem, however, and a big one: there's no drama in this film. there's no conflict. there's not even a story arc for the main (and practically only) character. it's just...i'm not really sure what it is, really. i really didn't get the point of it all, until daniel day-lewis revealed his soul to another character. and, to be honest, that's a cheat. you don't tell in film; you show. maybe that's anderson fighting the preconceptions. i think it's just making sense of it all, but taking the easy way out.

yes, it's a human being just being. but there's nothing for him to strive for, to overcome, to grow into. unless it completely flew past me, i found it utterly lacking from start to finish. but it didn't. i got it. he explained it to me.

it just seemed like a missed opportunity.

maybe i'm wrong.

people are going to love this movie. my two friends did. i don't think they're wrong, but i think a lot of people will love this movie because paul thomas anderson is a great filmmaker, rather than he made a great film. and other people are gonna hate this movie for the same reason they hated "punchdrunk love" - they're expecting something previous.

so color me impressed and disappointed. i know that's possible, because i am.

how a photo reveals everything

check out this headline and then look at the photo of the writer.

there's no way someone who poses for a photo that takes herself so seriously like that would have the humor of putting the words "seamen" and "ball" into the same headline.


Sunday, November 04, 2007

how every time you think everything's been done before, here comes something else

i know i'm late to the party, but if you haven't seen the video for feist's "1234" on the ipod commercial, then here it is, the full version.

and it's every bit as enrapturing as it was the first time i saw it.

if you want more, here's the behind the scenes stuff.

all in all, it's everything that's magical about filmmaking.

and those are some crane shots.

how i will be the first to say that i was beyond pleasantly surprised

the first lady of steveohville got us tickets to see gwen stefani in oakland. now, i dig gwen stefani. i do. find a red-blooded heterosexual male (or homosexual, for that matter) who doesn't. i'm just skeptical about her as a musician. when she was with no doubt, i can readily admit that i fell in love with her. she was hot. she was athletic. she sang her ass off, and the music was amazing.

then she went solo, and everything changed. she began to dress like an alien. she put on way too much makeup. she married a hack. and her music? overly produced. lyrics written like a twelve-year-old. and dance music really isn't my bag.

so...was i excited to see her? yes, of course. was i expecting much? not really.

so what did i get?

a super solid band that took those overproduced songs and made them organic - and gave them a truly human energy. choreography that was amazing but not intrusive. the loudest crowd i've ever heard at a concert (thanks to 15,000 teenaged girls). and a singer who worked her ass off on stage, and then to make a even tighter connection with her fans, went into the crowd to sing some more.

she walked around the floor. she hugged her fans. she did a lap around.

and when she got to section 114, she went into the stands, up a bunch of steps, climbed into the seats and continued to sing with her adoring fans holding her up.

i was in section 114. and she was right next to me.

how close? this close:

don't believe me? then watch this.

so...i went in expecting something, i dunno, disappointing at worst and professional at best, and i got thrilled. am i gonna go out and buy her cds? no. but when she comes back, count me in. really great stuff from a really great performer.

Friday, November 02, 2007

how i'm down with lebron

here's the latest website i've done for nike entitled "lebron: the complete story".

and here's the credits:

CREATIVE DIRECTOR: neil robinson
ART DIRECTION: caio lazzuri
DESIGN: mathieu zarbatany
PRODUCER: rachel hardwick
ACCOUNT: lauren black, simon jefferson
MOTION: antti kupla, tim robles
EDITOR: jedidiah stuber

and me.

how you hear the strangest things in elevators

overheard in my office building elevator, which is the slowest elevator in the world:

"this elevator takes forever."

"i know. they should have two elevators. one that just goes up, and another that just goes down."

so, if there's a news report of a lunatic walking around san francisco, talking to himself, making strange up-and-down gesticulations with his hands, eventually banging his head against a brick wall, don't fret. it's just me, trying to make sense of things like that.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

how i'm fine

by the time you read this, i'm sure you would have read about our nice 5.6 quake that hit the bay area tonight.

i felt it.

here's my deal:

i got off my train after work, and saw my connecting bus pull away. with this being on the worst line in the city, i knew i had another half hour wait for the next bus to roll on by. so i decided to grab some dinner and catch the start of the warriors game at park chow, which is still my favorite restaurant in the city.

being by myself, i sat at the bar.

i ordered an apple juice (the best apple juice in the world, by the way) and my appetizer and dinner.

i watched the game on the television.

then, my bar stool began to shake.

here's a primer for you: imagine you're sitting on a bar stool. shift your weight from one ass cheek to the other. allow your shoulders to slightly sway back and forth. repeat for about 10-15 seconds.

there you go. that's what it felt like.

everyone was calm, almost laughing.

and, when it ended, everyone clapped.

at which, i said, loud enough for everyone to hear, "don't encourage it". more laughter. +1 steve.

here's the best part of it (at least for me): when it happened, i was watching the aforementioned warriors game that was being played in oakland. andris biedrins was on the foul line. he's a career 45% free throw shooter. that's terrible.

when the quake hit oakland, he sunk both free throws.

so, in essence, this terrible foul shooter only nailed his shots because the target was moving.

now that's a force of nature.

for you non-californians, here's some pertinent earthquake info:
a local news article reporting the quake;
sfist's very human coverage about the bay area's reactions;
an informative piece about aftershocks;
and here's the latest on britney, because i'm sure that will be the lead story anyhow.

Monday, October 29, 2007

how i have much to vent about

where do i begin?

how about united airlines.

i hate united airlines. i truly do. i've never flown a united flight that was actually on time, and i try to go out of my way not to fly them.

first off, they are liars. my hatred for them began a couple of years ago when i had the nerve to try to catch a flight from JFK to SFO. i showed up on time, i boarded on time, and i noticed that the flight was half-empty. maybe 65% empty. but the plane wasn't moving. i got suspicious. i stealthily etched my initials into my food tray. then the announced that the plane we were on was unflyable, that it had a broken thingamajig that caused it's something to do blahblahblah, and we had to get off and catch the next flight. which i did. which was now 95% full. and i sat in the same seat. which had my initials in the tray.

so united airlines lied to me and bumped my plans because they couldn't sell seats.


since then, i've flown them for work a couple of times, and they've never ever taken off on time. just a completely incompetent organization.

so unfortunately i had to fly them round trip this weekend to los angeles, which should be painless. but this being united and friday night, i had the tightest seat imaginable. my elbows were tucked into my sides. my legs up into my throat. the air nozzle above me barely working. and we're late. plus, in flight, i get a napkin with "united. the most leg room in economy".


this morning for the return trip, they had six electronic ticket kiosks open. why just six? isn't it 2007? anyone? then we had a one hour delay for boarding, plus another hour waiting on the runway. i would normally put this on just bad luck, but considering the company, they ain't getting that leeway.


never again.

now allow me to move onto the sheraton delfina in santa monica, which actually had a very nice renovation i guess (it was my first time there, but it was pretty on the interior), and my room was big, but they:
- had crappy old light switches
- a thermostat that didn't work
- a TV from the late 1980s (no shitting you)
- the hardest bed on the planet
- the same sheets from the 70s
- i couldn't find the remote control
- a $6 fee per 15 minutes of work in their business center

and, my favorite:

- the 49 cents they charged me for "black ink usage fee" when i used the printer.

otherwise, i had a great time in los angeles. seriously. honestly.

like girogio bialdi good. like ravioli stuffed with sweet corn and topped with truffle oil good.

Friday, October 26, 2007

how i'm reprinting this without permission

from an internal e-mail sent at work. i'm sending this out because some things are just too funny to be kept internal:

I have misplaced my new lovely coffee cup. It is adorned with The Onion logo and the phrase "you are dumb". If you see it would you be so kind as to give me a holler. And yes, before you ask, I'm aware of how ironic this situation is.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

how i'm jealous on so many different levels

in fact, i'll list them:

1. the creatives had the balls to actually present this ad.
2. they got it approved.
3. they got away with it through censors.
4. they were able to name the product.
5. casting.
6. second round of casting.
7. call backs.
8. they got to edit it.

wtf? exactly.

Monday, October 22, 2007

how i'm tired of the red sox bandwagon

i'm tired of reminiscing about curt schilling and his bloody sock.

i'm tired of seeing imaginary ghosts and green monsters.

i'm tired of hearing about coco and yook and "manny being manny".

i'm tired of hearing about the nation and the jimmy fund.

i'm tired of denis leary and ben affleck and any other celeb wearing a red sox hat.

i'm tired of listening about whether or not wakefield's knuckler will dance in certain types of weather.

i'm tired of absorbing all the bitching about gagne.

seriously, i'm tired of it all. and i'm tired of people talking about them. enough, red sox fans. enough, commentators. seriously, there are other teams in the world not called the red sox or the yankees. and that means i'm tired of torre and a-rod and all that noise too.


go rockies.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

how kid rock and i have something in common

this weekend in atlanta, kid rock pummeled a customer at waffle house.

at that same waffle house, one i could have walked to if people actually walked in atlanta, i once pummeled a cheese grits.


Saturday, October 20, 2007

how you can't really beat this menu for a saturday

waking up and devouring "butch cassidy and the sundance kid" for breakfast.

then, a full helping of "stranger than fiction" for lunch.

and the always delicious "sunset boulevard" for dinner.

i'm full.

Friday, October 19, 2007

how i'm about to say something controversial

i believe that dishwashing appliances are lazy.

i mean, the job of dishwasher is to wash dishes. hell, it comes from the english word dishwasher, meaning dish washer. and yet, before you give them a dish to wash, what do you have to do? wash the dish your own damn self.

oh, i'm sorry. pre-wash the dish your own damn self.

what a crock of shit, i tell you.

lazy bastards.

buying a dishwasher is like hiring an accountant to do your taxes, but then doing it yourself, and then handing it to them. but since you already did it, all they really do is doublecheck your work.

sounds ridiculous, right? like a waste of money, no?

then why do we let dishwashers doublecheck our work?

lazy lucky bastards.

i don't know who heads the dishwasher union, but well done.

to the rest of us? end the tyranny and demand more.

how when you try to talk to everyone, you actually talk to nobody

very few things in entertainment thrilled me as much as the last season of "friday night lights". each week was a spellbinding competition to see which was better: the writing, the acting or the directing. the plots took us to different places, and told in a way we haven't heard before. it was real, so real. we knew those characters. we felt those stories. it was the most human soap opera ever created.

unfortunately, nobody watched it. much of that had to do with terrible marketing. it also had to do that the show ran in the country that voted "two and a half men" as the most watched comedy last season. so it's not like we're talking about a market having discerning tastes.

still, it was critically renown. i, and everyone i knew who watched it, thought it was brilliant.

so, NBC has this brilliant show that nobody's watching. what's a network to do? well, they made a nice start by not only selling the DVD at a low price of $20, but also offering a money-back guarantee that nobody except the dishonest would take them up on. smart. plus they're repeated the whole season on bravo. accessible. and, they moved it to friday night, which doesn't really make as much sense, considering that most of the audience would be watching real football, but i guess it takes some confusion out of the process.

that would seem to be enough, don't you think?

i guess it wasn't. you see, what they've done is take the best show on television and made it dumber.

let's begin with a murder. umm...what?

and all those seniors like riggins and tyra from last year? let's make them seniors again. maybe even lyla. okay...what?

and instead of alluding to plot points, instead of making the audience feel what's happening, let's change the character's dialogue into explanations. let's say exactly what's happening. instead of conversations, let's make it recaps. okay...

and rather than continuing the story arc of each character, making them feel like real people, let's make them one-dimensional. the cripple. the drunk. the born-again.

this season just feels like a desperate grab. like a little too much crappy everyday network television, lowering itself towards one of those shitty soap operas that decay the mind.

it's still better than most. just nowhere near as good as it was.

let's just say that i really miss last season.

then again, maybe one season was just enough.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

how i didn't know what mood i was in

when i got home from work. i've been working long hours, full hours, and although it's been fun, i've been swamped. it's gotten to the point that at times, i'm there just to be there. hell, if i'm not working at 7:30pm, then i'm not working hard enough.

it's not a work mandate. it's just my demented work ethic.

anyway, i got home around 9:30 tonight, and sat on my couch. i put on the tv, scanned guide and found...nothing. nothing at all. in fact, i really had no preference over what to watch.

none whatsoever.

i really didn't want to watch sportscenter or any political shows. the baseball game was over. network TV was uninspiring at best. and i hit DVR and found nothing in my queue worth enjoying.

i was completely moodless.

and then, i found, on some HD channel, the last round of scrolling i clicked through, i found it. so obviously perfect.

"there's something about mary".

it's been years. and, on a moodless night, i laughed my ass off.

Friday, October 12, 2007

how i did not jump off a bridge

i hope you haven't worried. i just took some time off. it was just a mixture of working hard, going home for a bit, feeling the malaise of the mets' collapse and just not having the time or energy to put something worthwhile in print. or web. whatever.

simply put, i've been swamped.

but that doesn't mean i haven't been collecting and learning.

like, for instance, i learned that you can ride in a thousand different cars and not hear soft jazz on the radio. however, that's the music of choice in half the cabs you jump in.

and i learned that anyone who doesn't think that sasquatch exists has clearly never seen this patti labelle video.

and, i also learned that the total acreage of all the wal-marts in the world is greater than the acreage of manhattan.

i was reminded that radiohead is still the most innovative band in the world, both musically with their new album "in rainbows" and the fact that, if you download it from their website, you get to name the price you want to pay for it. i also reminded that radiohead is british, because it's not set to the dollar.

i remembered how much i love to play softball, especially when it's under football weather and the game has as much back-and-forth as tennis.

and i remembered that when it comes to old bosses and great friends, not only does todd still have it, but so does kathy.

also, in the past twelve days i've been gone, i became a published writer once again. i had this article published at, where my friend rebecca writes. yes, it's a women's website. yes, i am a dude. no, i know nothing about astrology. no, none of that matters.

oh, and by the way, happy midnight madness everyone. god, i love college basketball. may my obsession begin.

Monday, October 01, 2007

how this better be the first of many apologies

From Mets COO Jeff Wilpon:

To Mets Fans:

All of us at the Mets are bitterly disappointed in failing to achieve our collective goal of building upon last year’s success. We did not meet our organization’s expectations - or yours. Everyone at Shea feels the same range of emotions as you - our loyal fans - and we know we have let you down. We wanted to thank you for your record-breaking support of our team this year…

Equally important, Ownership will continue its commitment in providing the resources necessary to field a championship team. Omar will be meeting with Ownership shortly to present his plan on addressing our shortcomings so that we can achieve our goal of winning championships in 2008 and beyond…

You deserve better results…

Many thanks again for your record-breaking support.

that's just the tip of the iceburg, buddy. you've got a lot of work to do to earn our trust back.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

how if sports isn't important, then why am i completely devastated

this is going to be the longest of winters.

i don't even have the heart to watch the giants-eagles game tonight, in fear of another emotional stabbing.

Friday, September 28, 2007

how it's a good tihng i'm not in new york right now

because there would have been a good chance i'd be on the 59th street bridge, fighting for space on the ledge with the rest of the other mets fans.

they've pushed us to that.

i hate this.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

how i'm actually pitying the fool


don't know what else to add to this.

oh wait. here's something.

how we need any sort of uplift we can get nowadays

from my brother: "instead of being sour about the mets today, i used this classic movie clip to cheer me up. it always works."

yes, mike. that helped. and to that, i add this to the mixture.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

how i fear that it's just too late to turn this around

all summer long, met fans have heard that smug attitude from our management, when we weren't playing hard and the bullpen wasn't getting guys out, that smug attitude of willie randolph when he would say, "it's okay, we're still four games up". but it was obvious that things were not okay, and we were fortunate that the phillies and braves were just as incompetent.

it was too complacent. from the outside, we all saw the danger signs.

and now, it's too late. we should have tried philip humber and mike pelfrey in the bullpen to see what they've got and to give us innings (instead of tiring out the retreads we have right now in an effort for them to "find themselves"). we should have benched players when they slagged off instead of "it's okay, it's a long season and we're still in first place, they'll get through it". we should have tinkered. we should have prodded. we should have experimented.

now, it's too late. and we're still sending guillermo mota out there, hoping he'll figure it out. but he won't. he sucks. period. how much proof do we need?

humber should have gotten his feet wet in july in the bullpen, instead of throwing him out there in late september in the thick of a pennant race.

we should have seen what collazo and muniz could do in august.

we should have pressured jobs.

we shouldn't have sat still and found solace in our fortunate position.

instead, the "it's okay, we're still in first place" complacency set in. and now i fear it's too late. the arms are tired and there's no answers anymore.

i just had to get that off my chest.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

how i wish i read this in dc comics

there's a good death.

there's even a bad death.

and then there's a death that you would see in an issue of "batman", although without adam west's comedic stylings.

seriously, what an awful way to go. especially since he's not coming back with supervillain powers.

how i can't make any sense out of this junk mail

Dear Friend,


I am Mr. Robert Schock, I work with the Chartered National Bank as an account officer in the Treasury/Credit Control Unit. I was the accounting officer of a national of your country, who died with his wife and their only son, after they were involved in a car accident.


After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to track his last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you. I have contacted you to assist in repatriating the assets and Capital valued at 25,540.000.00 Million Pounds left behind by my client before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the share holders of this Bank, so that they can share his funds as dividends amongst themselves.



The Bank has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have the account confiscated within the next fourteen official working days. Because as at the time of his demise I was his accounting officer, but have since been promoted to the position of Treasury/Credit Control Unit, ever since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for sometime now, I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased since you have the same last names, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you. Therefore, on receipt of your positive response, we shall then discuss modalities for transfer.


As soon as I recieve an acknowledgement of your acceptance, I will furnish you with the necessary modalities


of the transaction. I assure you that this transcaction is 100% risk free, and as soon as we succeed in getting this funds to your account, The money will be shared on a 50, 50 basis...............


I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law.


I am waiting to hear from you soon.


Best regards,

Robert Schock.

Monday, September 24, 2007

how i would have bought something, just for comedic effect

before he hosted the show "dirty jobs", here's mike rowe hosting QVC late night. and he's now my new hero. this is the best possible job anyone can do under these situations.

whoever taped these, then saved them, then uploaded them is the greatest person on earth.

here's mike rowe doing his best to sell crap like a katsak, a lava lamp, precious moments, cherubs, noah's ark, "beauty and the beast", seagull jewelry, a creepy doll and dealing with callers.

really awesome stuff.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

how i might actually be speechless on this one

check out the new levi's ad that just premiered this week.

on one hand, i think it's one of the best made spots i've seen in a while. well directed, acted, edited and scored. the music is just perfect. kudos to bartle bogle hegarty and director ringan ledwidge. there's not anything about it that's not aesthetically dead-on.

on the other hand, i have no idea what it's about.

then again, i do know that i can't remember viewing any piece of film that seductive in a long time. it's actually setting a new standard for sex in advertising.

however, i'm not sure if that's a good thing. or the right thing. or worthy.

that being said, i'm not sure if it's gonna sell any jeans.

but one thing's for sure: it's better than anything the gap's done in ten years.

however, that's not saying much.

just like this post.

how this is a good omen for the upcoming film season

this is one of the movies i've been really looking forward to, and the first reviews of it has been glowing, although any review that says "casey affleck is a revelation" gets me scared. then again, his brother was really good in "good will hunting" and "shakespeare in love", so let's run with it.

i just read a great book about jesse james and missouri during the civil war, and it couldn't be any more fascinating. it's deep and rich and worth checking out if you have the time to get through 500 pages. but what's 500 pages when you're reading about the most famous outlaw of all time?

again, this all sounds like good stuff.

Friday, September 21, 2007

how i'm struggling to put my emotions into words

but this season is going down in an historical fiery collapse.

you can blame willie for his torre-like mismanagement of the bullpen. you can blame omar for his insane contracts given to shoeneweis and mota. you can blame duaner sanchez for not being in shape and missing the year. you can blame jose for completely screwing the pooch this final month. and you can blame delgado and loduca for completely sucking ass.

but i'm tired of blaming.

i just want to see them hold a lead for once.

is that too much to ask?

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

how i long for the old knicks

i watched the knicks from 1994 (ewing, oak, smith, starks, harper with mace, blackmon and anthony coming off the bench) take on the nets (coleman, anderson but no petrovic) in a highly-spirited and well-played game three of the NBA playoffs. really good, compelling stuff. those teams would go far in the current craptastic NBA.

it was a nice little gift, courtesy of nba tv. and a nice diversion from this isiah thomas mess, which is just the latest stab into the bloody corpse of the franchise i love. thank you, james dolan, you moron.

then again, it's not like there's been anything said in court that would quantify as a surprise. i mean, of course isiah thomas doesn't care about white season ticket holders. have you seen the team he's put out there?

how i long for 1994.

how i just got this message as an automated return

this statement was returned to me in response to an e-mail i sent out to a friend:

"Profanity Notification (Email with Profanity quarantined by US-NJ-IMSS2-1)"

here's what i think happened:


two scientists wearing sterilized work outfits speak gingerly while staring into microscopes as different e-mails pass underneath their lenses.

SCIENTIST DAN: john, this e-mail is just a love letter. really sweet.

SCIENTIST JOHN: dan, you gotta read this e-mail. yet another nigerian trust fund scam.

SCIENTIST DAN: those never get old.

they laugh to themselves, quietly, as to not disturb anything.

suddenly, scientist dan gasps in horror. scientist john looks over, with concern.


scientist dan's face quickly becomes pale. scientist john quickly moves over and looks into scientist dan's microscope.

he sees the word "shit".

scientst john quickly stands up and presses a large button on the wall. it's an alarm. it blares loudly, over and over.


everyone quickly moves themselves into position. armed security officers rush into the lab. a rush of cold air is released from the vents, sterilizing everyone in the general vicinity.

a security team rushes an older scientist, a very fragile man, towards the microscope. he raises his hands. suddenly, the alarms go quiet. the air shuts down. everyone stops in place.

the old scientist takes out a pair of pliers. with smooth and gentle movements, he slowly makes his way towards that word. the ends of the pliers find their way to the "t". it pulls, tenderly, then sharply. suddenly, the "shi" follows the "t" as it's raised into the air and put into an air-free container.

the security force quicks whisks the old scientist and the airless container away. as they leave, the lab returns to normal.

scientist dan and scientist john return to their microscopes. as dan begins to look down, he suddenly looks back up, where john is holding his glare.

he takes a deep breath.

SCIENTIST DAN: that was a close one.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

how i really would like to meet the people who sign up for this

there are things that sound good in theory but wind up horrible in execution.

there are things that don't sound very good in theory, but wind up not so bad when terrible.

and then there's something like this which is just...i don't really know how to describe this. i'm not even sure there are words.

i mean, the guy billed himself as "a limousine ridin', jet flyin', kiss stealin', wheelin' dealin' son of a gun", and he couldn't wrangle up more than $300 to build a website?

by the way, this is actually real. this is not a fake.

jesus christ.

Friday, September 14, 2007

how i have a new standard to live up to

from now to infinity, for me, the question will always be, will i ever be a mindsticker?

no, seriously, will i?

(in a related note, god bless 1970s advertisements written between cocktails and the overwhelming goodness of youtube).

how the desperate will go to any means

the new york football giants grabbed fullback madison hedgecock off the waiver wire on wednesday.

umm....madison hedgecock? wow. i didn't know that cinemax "up all nite" had a football waiver wire.

how the juice is slippery


LAS VEGAS -- Investigators questioned O.J. Simpson and named him a suspect Friday in a break-in at a casino hotel room involving sports memorabilia.

The break-in was reported at the Palace Station casino late Thursday night, police spokesman Jose Montoya said. He said investigators determined the break-in involved sports collectibles.

Simpson was released after he and several associates were questioned, but he is considered a suspect in the case, Montoya said. He is believed to be in Las Vegas.

"We don't believe he's going anywhere," he said.

really, you truly don't believe he's going anywhere?

jesus christ, we have short memories in this country.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

how the nba used its vertical leap to jump about seven sharks

does anyone else notice that the nba is much more interesting off the court than anything that happens on the court?

you know, outside of lebron's game 5, yawn. but all the nasty off court stuff? terrible. but entertaining.

from kobe's eventual holdout, the horror stories from vegas, the hawks' embarrassing ownership issues, seattle having their team extorted out from their city, a continuous stream of player arrests, anucha browne sanders' testimony eviscerating isiah and stephon, the knicks hitting an all-time low and now, greg oden's microfracture surgery, the nba could not be any lower.

and i didn't even mention the tim donaghy ref scandal.

and the year's not even over yet. seriously, if you thought vegas was a mess, then consider that they've got the next all-star game coming up in new orleans.

the entire league - from players, refs, upper management, organizations, integrity to perceptions - is imploding before our eyes. what a horrible collapse it's been.

i can't wait for college hoops.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

how i just had an incredibly harrowing experience

true story, just happened:

i was walking on haight street at around 8pm, heading my way to amoeba records. i cross clayton, and as soon as i step on the sidewalk...WHAM! a huge pane of glass falls in front of me, about 13 feet away from where i'm standing.

i repeat: a huge pane of glass falls in front of me - not on top of me, but close enough.

two guys barely got out of the way, dashing underneath a nearby awning for protection. a guy stuck his head out the now glassless window, just one floor up. he was completely confused how his windowpane fell out.

i stood there, completely dumbfounded.

the glass just splattered, but basically staying in place, as if someone were putting together an almost completed jigsaw puzzle. a couple of shards happened to land by my nikes.

it was freaky, even for haight-ashbury standards.

honestly, would i have died? probably not. but the fact that i put "probably" in that statement is disturbing. completely random stuff happens, you know. just figured it would happen to someone else.

thankfully, it still hasn't happened to me yet.

holy crap.

how the internet has officially hit its nirvana

ladies and gentlemen, leave britney alone! please! right now! i mean it!

and anyone who has a problem, you deal with me. because she is not well.

Monday, September 10, 2007

how this was the only redeemable thing from a weekend worth of football

if you watched as much football as i did this weekend, you caught the amazing nikefootball spot starring shawne merriman and steven jackson about a million times. and each time, your jaw dropped.

i'd direct you to the youtube link to watch it, but trust me, the much much better version is here. the thing of it is that, after the intro, you're gonna have to click on "see more action" on bottom left to view it. yeah, it's a little work, but deal with it. you'll thank me later.

it's truly amazing. thank you, brilliant director michael mann and the intense soundtrack to "last of the mohicans".

Sunday, September 09, 2007

how it's difficult to get off the stuff that'll kill you once you get a sniff of it


The Orioles, and O’s co-GM Jim Duquette, purchased the minor league contract of RHP Victor Zambrano from the Pittsburgh Pirates for cash considerations.

poor jim duquette. someone's gotta organize an intervention.

how i just watched britney perform at the MTV VMAs

the only thing i can equate it to is the dead guy from "weekend at bernie's". she obviously wasn't singing, and she didn't give any signs of having the ability to form those words with her lips by her own devices. she was barely moving, and when she did move, it was with the help of two men holding her up (or, rather, feeling her up). her body was bloating. and nobody in the audience could believe any of this shit.

the only difference was that "weekend at bernie's" had a much better soundtrack.

UPDATE: sarah silverman is ripping her a new one right now. bless you, sarah. the world is a better place with you commenting on it.

UPDATE YET AGAIN: here's the video of her performance. once again, i remind you, this is NOT "weekend at bernie's". trust me. i researched and analyzed it. there are subtle differences.

how i've been negligent, i know, i have

so here's some new websites created by friends that are absolutely worth checking out. by tony stern, an online chronicle about the impending best day of his life.

places to go, things to do, people to meet by anthony vachris, a diary as he travels the country in an effort to find himself.

travel betty is the online tip home of tracy deluca (the former writer of for things to do in san francisco and around the world, wherever she may be.

divine caroline features the bitingly hilarious rebecca brown as the head relationships writer.

and care for christine by tommy wonica has been renovated and updated with as much love and care as he's always shown.

best of all, they're great reads written by even greater people.


how i doubt anyone cares, but i need your quick help

i updated steveohville's portfolio page, and on the reel page, i added the nike "my game is made outside" webisodes.

the reason i'm posting this is because the coding has been giving me agida. if you have any spare time, just check it out and let me know if there's any bugs. it seems to be working on my mac. on a pc? not so much.

and let me know if there's a photo underneath "print" on the portfolio page. again, i can't tell if it works on a pc.


how i just watched the funniest season premiere ever

if you get a chance, check out this week's season premiere of "curb your enthusiasm" entitled "meet the blacks" on hbo. it's frigging hilarious.

as if it wouldn't be.

how i'm going to make tom coughlin's world a lot easier

after watching the deplorable 45-35 loss to the cowboys sunday night, i have compiled a list for the giants to accomplish this week in preparation for the packers.

okay, here they go.

1. get eli and osi healthy. especially eli. he looked damn good out there.
2. get brandon healthy, but derrick ward looked damn good. get him ready.
3. introduce the defensive line to the concept of a pass rush.
4. introduce the linebackers to the concept of covering the tight end.
5. introduce the secondary on what a slant route is, and how to defend it.
6. introduce everyone to tackling. that would be very nice, actually.

it's just that simple. now get on it, big blue.

i'd list everything that the university of michigan needs to do to get ready for notre dame, but i'm positive that doesn't have the bandwith to handle it.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

how indiana university is on the cutting edge of the blatantly obvious

after coming up with this earthshattering discovery, one that dwarfs magnetic resonance imaging and gravity, one can only wonder what these geniuses will come up with next.

perhaps a study on the etymology of this word.

how i can't believe i'm about to type this

but here's a funny commercial for stanley steemer, of all things.

i guess there's hope for the rest of us hacks.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

how the world is much funnier with videotape

the best parts of having almost everything recorded is how staggering hypocritical every blowhard in this country is.

we're talking politicians, executives, reverends and the like, people who comport themselves as above everyone else, and who can't resist the urge to make themselves look like an ass.

thank you, videotape. you are the great equalizer. your proof is my joy.

it happens everyday.

i'm sure you've seen this, but here's the ultra creepy senator larry craig interview on "hardball" from about ten years ago, condemning that "naughty boy" bill clinton.

his words, not mine.

so gay.

chris matthews' gaze at the end says it all.

Friday, August 31, 2007

how all the world can be explained

i've always been a big fan of flow charts and successories. what, praytell, would happen when you put both of them together into one neat jpg? genius!

how i wish this happened at yankee stadium

this prank is easily the best joke ever pulled inside an athletic field. i am officially jealous.

make sure you check out the youtube evidence.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

how i think i'll pass on this one

i just got an e-mail announcing velvet revolver is performing in concert with opening act alice in chains on friday, september 14 at the sleep train pavilion.

so, for a $59 lower tier ticket, i can see the guys who aren't in guns n' roses because they can't get along with axl rose, the guy who couldn't stay in stone temple pilots because he couldn't keep clean, and also the band that essentially died on the same night their lead singer overdosed.

maybe i'll just send a replacement me.

Monday, August 27, 2007

how right now i feel exactly like this guy

i know and feel exactly where he's coming from, except minus the winnebago. although a winnebago would be nice right about now.

how even history buffs can learn something new every day

did you know that george washington had thirty dicks and weighed a fucking ton? well, it's true.

i mean, if you can't trust the internet and the youtube, then who can you trust?

they are the george washington of the modern era. they do not lie. and they have wooden teeth.

how i actually felt pity for a.c. slater

check out the finest teen that south carolina has to offer.

i pray for the rest of the u.s. americans.

for the children.

UPDATE: here she is again, now with subtitles.

UPDATE UPDATE: yep, we're screwed.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

how making fun of celine dion never goes out of fashion

what starts out as endearing winds up with tears in my eyes. and that's because i'm laughing too hard.

thank you, whoever did this.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

how he's gonna get someone pregnant in el paso

after using one of my favorite tracy morgan lines to describe my feelings over my art director's designs for our website ("i love them so much that i wanna take them behind the elementary school and get them pregnant"), i realized that i still have a couple of more weeks to wait for "30 rock" to come back on TV.

so here's some old tracy morgan magic to fill in the time:

tracy on a talk show in el paso, texas.
tracy in "blackass".
tracy as "astronaut jones" with a less-crazy britney spears.
and tracy's top ten moments on "30 rock".

Monday, August 20, 2007

how i noticed many things in vegas

1. people are either well dressed, barely dressed or just messed up.

2. you would think that the guys the piano bar in new york, new york would have fun at work, until you realize that they are asked to play the same obvious songs on the planet, over and over and over again, day to night to day again. it's an endless loop of the same crap. then again, once i asked them to play "sir duke" or "for once in my life", and they told me that they didn't know how to play them. YOU ARE PIANO PLAYERS, for crissakes!

3. if wiggling your hand in the air is the universal sign for "my bill, please", then sitting in a chair and leaning back is the universal sign for "yes, i would enjoy a lap dance".

4. also, when you leave a strip club in vegas, you suddenly believe that every female you pass by on the strip would do anything for a twenty.

5. the reason there's no outgoing flights from mccarron airport to hell is because you're already there.

6. there's no culture in vegas, just garish facsimiles of cultural stereotypes presented to people who'd either rather not go there or are too drunk to give a crap. most are in the latter. and they're buying souvenirs.

7. you know you're having a good weekend when the first two voicemails on your cellphone sunday morning are from your credit card companies asking you to verify some transactions.

yep, i can't wait to get back there.

Friday, August 17, 2007

how there is hope in advertising after all

thank you, coca-cola.

how you best be reading the fine print

there's two funny things about this post:

1. this article about this poor woman who clearly will not win this argument but has a damn good point.

2. the fact that this was published on yep, that jeff bridges.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

how i'm disappointed that i can't do anything as creative as the crazy

i can't believe something like this is real, but it is. a south carolina inmate (yes, inmate) has sued michael vick for, and i quote, "$63,000,000" because he claims that the embattled falcons quarterback, and i quote again, "stole his pit bulls and sold them on eBay to buy missiles from iran".

i shit you not.

oh, it gets better. please, for the love of god and all things hilarious, click on the pdf for the affidavid and read it.

and yes, i swear, this is for realz, especially the restrictions on typewriters.

how i do look forward to many things

but this could be the coolest of them all. hey, i know rap isn't for everybody, but the wu-tang really know what they're doing. they get it.

which means i can't wait for it.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

how to have fun with wikipedia

every so often, when i'm bored, i'm gonna start typing in random items into wikipedia. and if i find something interesting, and by interesting i mean "i can't believe someone took all this time writing eloquently about this", i'm gonna post it.

trust me. you have no idea how rich this idea could be.

but, to add a little drama to it, i'll paste an excerpt from the entry to give you a little taste into just what you're about to get into.

here's my first stab at it:
"He always wears a white belt and white shoes; most of his suits are made of polyester and are covered in loud plaid patterns. He claims to get his suits in a golf pro shop in Kentucky; no one else makes his kind of clothes anymore due to anti-pollution laws".


how i believe this is completely within the olympic spirit

of all the torch holders you can find, i firmly believe that just the mere presence of this guy would finally make those godwaful opening ceremonies watchable.

please make this happen.

UPDATE: this guy would also be excellent.

how we were there for history

i've mentioned before about my thoughts about barry bonds and his whole chase. he's insufferable, unlikeable and defiant in the face of very substantial evidence against him. if you're not a giants fan who owes him everything, from saving the team in the city to the building of this gorgeous ballpark, it's very difficult to find a reason to cheer him on. and that's been the tact i've taken in my time here.

however, last night, for the first time, i cheered.

then again, last night, i saw history made.

i didn't really cheer for the man. the achievement, however, is staggering. and because of that, the stadium was electric (and these are fans more concerned with their pinot noir than their pitch counts).

here's the photos from section 141, left center:

as bonds batted, the place lit up with camera flashes. think of a huge glass jar full of a million fireflies.

turning a 5 into a 6 had never taken such importance.

although it was obvious that hammering hank had a shotgun aimed at his head from off camera, seeing him and hearing him was an amazing surprise.

$40 a ticket bought us some bragging rights.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

how i'm with san diego on this one

just like the sellout crowd at petco park in san diego, when barry bonds hit number 755, i cheered. loudly.

i wasn't exactly cheering for the man. i was cheering for the achievement. and, although you can say that he wouldn't have gotten 755 without steroids, you can also ask if ruth would have hit 714 if there were black pitchers in the league. or if henry aaron would have hit his if he didn't play in the launching pads of atlanta and milwaukee.

bonds is the poster boy for this era of steroids, amphetamines and advanced genetics. and guess what? he's not the only one. he's one of many, probably a majority. and to discount his accomplishments would mean you'd have to discount the accomplishments of the entire generation.

if you're gonna do that, fine. just don't stop now. go back and asterick everything from each era.

because you can.

i saw history live on television. congrats, barry, on tying the most heralded record in all of sport.

no matter how you did it.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

how there's very few birthday gifts for my dad

that can compare with pedro's first start in port st. lucie, even if it's just rehab.

of course, it will pale in comparison to pedro's first start in shea stadium, but that's a couple of weeks off, and it won't be his birthday anymore.

anyways, happy birthday, dad. and viva la pedro.

how i don't think i wanted to see the man behind the curtain

i'm really down with dvd extras, seeing how films were made, what decisions were made and what people thought about it.

but seeing and hearing the real people behind "family guy" really freaks me out.

Monday, July 30, 2007

how i'm gonna stand up on my sports pulpit

and offer my somewhat expert opinion on a couple of varied subjects.

i don't know how anyone can have a problem with this. we're getting a solid hitter in the two-hole with great speed and who makes contact, which makes him ideal to hit behind josejosejosejose...jose...jose, and he just so happens to sport a couple of gold gloves. and we barely gave up anything for him other than taking on his salary. look, i know some met fans want to see what ruben gotay's got to offer at second. but seriously, we got him for nothing in the offseason, and we were able to designate him for assignment a couple of months ago without anyone offering to pick him up. and now that's he's hitting, for what accounts for a brief stretch, does anyone really feel comfortable about him in the playoffs? honestly? he might turn out to be a nice player. but he's not one right now. castillo is a really good baseball player, and he's got two rings to his credit. he's a super upgrade over what we had hours ago. great job, omar. and thank you.

a couple of years ago, the lakers augmented their duo of shaq and kobe with karl malone and gary payton, giving them four superstars in their starting lineup. the problem was that they only had one ball to share among four guys who demand it, and they wound up short of a championship, getting walloped by the pistons. now, the celts have three superstars, except instead of just matching them up without any foresight into what makes a team work, they're all unselfish. and they all seem to complement their skills extremely well. and they're all hungry for a championship. as a knicks fan, i don't like this one bit. still, are they gonna get their title? no. no way. the rest of their team just isn't up to it. yeah, they're gonna run all over the weak eastern conference, but then they'll get run over by another great three: nash, marion and amare. or duncan, parker and manu. or maybe just yao and t-mac. but it'll be a damn good run by three very likeable superstars who will prove that three great players can indeed play together greatly.

i've never been as uninterested for the beginning of football season as i am right now. from tom coughlin being around to jerry reese making very little upgrades during his first offseason to watching eli not get any coaching yet again to no tiki to save us and now, to this, strahan bitchin' again about something. yeah, i'm gonna be there in front of the telly watching the g-men play the cowboys in the season opener on that sunday night, but let's face it, they're just not very likeable right now - especially strahan, who should be winding down and bathing in the final days of a legendary career, but instead, is going down like a spoiled brat. a really spoiled brat. one that's trying to swindle his team into helping him pay off his horrible divorce settlement. i'm just tired of it all, and the season is still a month away. great.