Wednesday, September 19, 2007

how i just got this message as an automated return

this statement was returned to me in response to an e-mail i sent out to a friend:

"Profanity Notification (Email with Profanity quarantined by US-NJ-IMSS2-1)"

here's what i think happened:


two scientists wearing sterilized work outfits speak gingerly while staring into microscopes as different e-mails pass underneath their lenses.

SCIENTIST DAN: john, this e-mail is just a love letter. really sweet.

SCIENTIST JOHN: dan, you gotta read this e-mail. yet another nigerian trust fund scam.

SCIENTIST DAN: those never get old.

they laugh to themselves, quietly, as to not disturb anything.

suddenly, scientist dan gasps in horror. scientist john looks over, with concern.


scientist dan's face quickly becomes pale. scientist john quickly moves over and looks into scientist dan's microscope.

he sees the word "shit".

scientst john quickly stands up and presses a large button on the wall. it's an alarm. it blares loudly, over and over.


everyone quickly moves themselves into position. armed security officers rush into the lab. a rush of cold air is released from the vents, sterilizing everyone in the general vicinity.

a security team rushes an older scientist, a very fragile man, towards the microscope. he raises his hands. suddenly, the alarms go quiet. the air shuts down. everyone stops in place.

the old scientist takes out a pair of pliers. with smooth and gentle movements, he slowly makes his way towards that word. the ends of the pliers find their way to the "t". it pulls, tenderly, then sharply. suddenly, the "shi" follows the "t" as it's raised into the air and put into an air-free container.

the security force quicks whisks the old scientist and the airless container away. as they leave, the lab returns to normal.

scientist dan and scientist john return to their microscopes. as dan begins to look down, he suddenly looks back up, where john is holding his glare.

he takes a deep breath.

SCIENTIST DAN: that was a close one.

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