Saturday, February 11, 2012

how i can't believe it's been three years

hi mom.

it's been three years since you were taken from us. nothing's been the same. things have just been radically different.

i miss you more than words can convey.

so much has happened that i wish you could have been a part of. wyatt's growing up to be a boy you'd be so proud of. he's such an amazing kid, the right balance of sweet and devilishness that never fails to warm you up and he's proving to be the ideal big brother. luke loves him like none other. and it's vice versa. they're gonna be such great pals.

each day, luke does something new that i imagine puts a smile on your face. but at the same time, it pains me that he never got a chance to meet you. in fact, you not being here anymore is such a void in them that they'll never fully realize. lisa and i really feel that deeply. that's why i load up their music cds with songs and bands that you loved. if they can't get to know you, they can get to know what you loved. it's something of yours i can give to them on a daily basis.

i wish you could have gotten to know lisa so much more than you did. she's truly everything i've ever wanted in a partner, and you'd be so proud of her, the way she's grown up to be a mother and wife that everyone admires, including you. she was worth the wait and your paranoia.

as for me, i'm trying. i really am. it's difficult supporting my family financially and emotionally and being there for them. right now, at this moment, i'm doing great, but i fear the repercussions when work picks back up. i'm taking care of myself by staying healthy, eating great and running strong. and the kids definitely keep me busy. but, when you strip it all down, all i want to be is a dad and a husband. everything else is just extra. and that's when i'm at my happiest.

we don't go to your bench as much as we'd like to, although it's not from a lack of thought. it's always on my mind to go. you know how it goes with kids and a house. there's just no shortage of restraints on our time. when we do go there, it's magical, and i can really feel you there.

and there's so much we would have shared together this past year, like all the most disgusting scenes from "bridesmaids".

you would have worn out adele's album. i know this because i did.

and you wouldn't have been able to control yourself from laughing about this. i would have found a way to keep sending this to you to keep your giggles going.

that's about it. i wish i can say life is perfect, but the fact that i'm writing this ensures that it isn't. but i'm doing the best with what i've got, we've been doing the best with it, and i hope you're proud of the effort.

love you always.

your son.