supposedly osama bin laden has come out with a new cassette - yes, a cassette - purportedly attacking the west for cutting off funds to the palestinian hamas-led government and referring to a "crusader-zionist war" against islam.
i know, completely unpredictable. who'da thunk it?
seriously, what's with the cassette tapes? even aspiring rappers have moved on to cds. they're very easy to make and distribute. you're the leader of a worldwide terrorist organization. it's looks amatuerish. besides, tapes can get ruined, plus they're very 1982.
then again, he is living in a cave.
i would love to be there for an actual bin laden recording - or one of his filmed diatribes.
DIRECTOR: okay, osama, can i call you osama? okay, so when you talk, you shouldn't look into the camera. look beyond the lens. if you want, you can look at me. just remember that. keep eye contact firm, but don't look into the camera. you want to be believable, okay? on action. action!
OSAMA: i call on the mujahedeen and their supporters, especially in sudan and the arabian peninsula...
DIRECTOR: cut! hey, can we move the lights just a little. he's got a prominent nose and it's casting a shadow. a little more, a little more...perfect. okay, osama, once again, action!
OSAMA: i call on the mujahedeen and their supporters, especially in sudan and the arabian peninsula to prepare for a long war...
DIRECTOR: cut! osama, i really want you to hit hard on the word "prepare". hit those p's hard. pre pare. okay. action!
OSAMA: i call on the mujahedeen...
DIRECTOR: don't look in the camera, osama. look at me. me and you, babe. got me? again, action!
OSAMA: i call on the mujahedeen and their supporters, especially in sudan and the arabian peninsula to prepare for a long war against the crusaders and planderers fuck i meant plunderers. can i start over?
DIRECTOR: hold on. let us switch vhs tapes. we're using only the two hours of tape for better film quality. only the best for you, osama. we ready? okay, action!
OSAMA: i call on the mujahedeen and their supporters, especially in sudan and the arabian peninsula to prepare for a long war against the crusaders and plunderers in western sudan. our goal is not defending the khartoum government but also to defend islam, its land and its people.
DIRECTOR: and cut! nice, osama. really feeling that one. now, this time, i want you to do the whole thing again, but for coverage, can you just squint your eyes a little?
OSAMA: squint my eyes?
DIRECTOR: yeah, make yourself look mean. whatever you feel is best. you're the talent here. okay?
OSAMA: what if i nod my head down like this and point to the camera?
DIRECTOR: ooh, i'm feeling that, i'm feeling that. ready, roll camera, action!
OSAMA: i call on the mujahedeen and their supporters, especially in sudan and the arabian peninsula to prepare for a long war against the crusaders and plunderers in western sudan. our goal is not defending the khartoum government but also to defend islam, its land and its people.
DIRECTOR: and cut. nice. take five, osama. relax. the next scene is, what is it? oh, here it is, "i am urging muslims to boycott the products of western countries, including the united states, which backed denmark," so visualize those words and get yourself into the mood, okay. visualize the prophet mohammed in the new york post. that's your inspiration, okay? hey, where's my avian water? i asked for it five minutes ago? jesus christ, what kind of an operation is this.
OSAMA: jesus christ?
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