how the obvious still isn't obvious to everyone

i'm britney spears.

i have gajillions of dollars.

i meet a wigger with no talent and a sketchy background. he leaves his pregnant wife for me.

i marry him.

we begin a beautiful life together. i get comfortable enough that i begin to "let myself go" because this one is the one and we share more than physical attraction. eventually i get pregnant with his child. he's very good at doing that.

when my baby pops out, he begins to fade away. he spends more time with his friends. he spends all the money i made in my career. in fact, he refuses to have a career, not counting the time when he records a crappy rap album. i barely see him and, when i do, we fight in public.

things aren't going so well.

so i do what most self-respecting woman from my upbringing would do to save a relationship: get pregnant again.

but i don't think this is working either. we can't stand each other.

so now i'm forced to use my secret weapon. yep, that's right: i'm gonna wear curlers in my hair and look as sloppy as humanly possible.

if this don't work, i'll be forced to go to my extra secret weapon plan. and, to get it done just right, i happen to know the perfect tattoo artist.