Saturday, February 18, 2006

how this whole city is in a foxhole

well, i can honestly say that i cannot and will not take another day in this city with this chilling forty degree weather.

no, i will not.

but since i do not have an "in" with mother nature and since i can't run fast enough to stop the pressure systems from coming in, i've decided to invoke a little-used notion in my life, but completely overused and overdone in today's world.

yes, i'm talkin' 'bout god.

you see, most people in this country pray to god every day, asking him to do things for them instead of actually doing it themselves. but those same people are also annoying whiners, so you gotta believe that the big guy upstairs is tired of hearing their crap. but since i don't normally talk to god, much less even acknowledge his presence, i'm thinking that this upcoming plea would be a sound for sore ears.

after all, we're in a forty degree foxhole. maybe even thirty-nine degree foxhole.

oh lord, help us.

okay, here goes it. twelve years of catholic school, don't fail me now.

---(deep breath)---

dear god, lord of all.

we don't know what the fine people of northern california have done to incur your wrath. we do not understand why you have smite us so much with this weather. perhaps we have angered you so. if that is the case, we beseech you to take whatever you want from us in order to give us our paradise back (which is somewhere around 60 degrees everyday).

what do you want, o glorious one? is it the gays? well, they're funny, but if that's what you want to give us our weather back, then i'm sure they would understand with flair. is it our governor? take him too. nobody would bitch about that. did i say bitch in a prayer? my bad, oh magnificent diety, my bad. how about the hippies? hey, if you want to stink up your joint, go ahead. in fact, you don't have to give us the weather back. just take them.

o lord above, master of all that is good, we ask of you to bring back the san francisco weather that allows us to leave our winter jackets hidden in our closets. o lord above, king of kings, we ask you to allow us to be san franciscans again, to leave our houses wearing two layers or less and without scarves and gloves. o lord above, dominion of the earth and heavens, we ask you to give us what makes the rest of the country jealous of us, which allows us to thumb our noses at them.

we ask this in good faith.

have a nice day.

and, while you're at it, can you do something about britney spears? she's annoying the shit out of us.


No comments: