so, along with a new apartment, i figured it'd be great if i also bought a new couch. that's a pretty big thing. the couch is the focal point of a room. i mean, usually it's the biggest thing, and it's where your eyes immediately goes to. your couch is your first impression, so you better get it right.
big pressure. and i'm not spending more than $800 for it.
i've been doing some research, and i realized that modernism is in. and what modernism means is squares and rectangles. everything is angular. and, to be honest, everything kinda looks the same. i don't know why one couch costs $1500 and the other costs $1800, but that's really what i was looking at.
here's a quick aside: i was researching couches and where to go to buy one. it's not like there's a furniture district. so i found a place in the marina where their corporate motto was "affordable luxury" - which in the marina meant that the couches cost between $3500 and $5000 - and i don't know what the difference was other than the name on the tag. but that's what the marina is all about. that's why i don't live there.
anyways, i went all around, from soma to van ness to geary to union square to the castro and eventually to hayes valley, which is an up-and-coming hip part of town with a bunch of boutiques. and that's where i saw a sign that completely blew me away on so many levels: on a nice couch were three pillows beside a sign that said, and i'm paraphrasing, "buy the debut of these pillows - never before seen - $125 each".
i need to break this down.
1. pillows costing $125 aren't pillows. i don't know what you would call them, but they ain't pillows. not for $125.
2. how do you chronicle the world debut of a pillow? is there a ceremony? is there a centerfold in "pillow monthly"?
3. is the idea that these pillows are debuting supposed to impress someone? who, exactly? and why would it? would you brag about it? when would that luster wear off?
that's the world i've been dealing with in the past two days. couple that with my opinion that modernism is really plain and characterless, well, it became clear that whole movement really wasn't for me - and i'm sure as hell not gonna overpay for it.
anyways, i think i found a couch. it's hand crafted from egypt and it looks a little antiquey. it's definitely gots some personality - and i found it on valencia in the mission, which has definitely loads of character to spare. and for $699, it ain't gonna kill me.
but we'll see. let me sleep on it for something i plan on sleeping on.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
how this shooting from the lip was actually very good
i'll usually read mike lupica's sunday column in the new york daily news and be struck at how similar all his articles sound each week. he has one voice, and that's it. oh, he's smart, but i even read one of his books, and it's that same voice. it almost feels like he has the verbs already set up, and all he has to do is mad libs the nouns.
still, i enjoy him.
but this week's article, where he compares james dolan to george w. bush, is really outstanding and worth a read.
just sayin'.
still, i enjoy him.
but this week's article, where he compares james dolan to george w. bush, is really outstanding and worth a read.
just sayin'.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
how this whole city is in a foxhole
well, i can honestly say that i cannot and will not take another day in this city with this chilling forty degree weather.
no, i will not.
but since i do not have an "in" with mother nature and since i can't run fast enough to stop the pressure systems from coming in, i've decided to invoke a little-used notion in my life, but completely overused and overdone in today's world.
yes, i'm talkin' 'bout god.
you see, most people in this country pray to god every day, asking him to do things for them instead of actually doing it themselves. but those same people are also annoying whiners, so you gotta believe that the big guy upstairs is tired of hearing their crap. but since i don't normally talk to god, much less even acknowledge his presence, i'm thinking that this upcoming plea would be a sound for sore ears.
after all, we're in a forty degree foxhole. maybe even thirty-nine degree foxhole.
oh lord, help us.
okay, here goes it. twelve years of catholic school, don't fail me now.
---(deep breath)---
dear god, lord of all.
we don't know what the fine people of northern california have done to incur your wrath. we do not understand why you have smite us so much with this weather. perhaps we have angered you so. if that is the case, we beseech you to take whatever you want from us in order to give us our paradise back (which is somewhere around 60 degrees everyday).
what do you want, o glorious one? is it the gays? well, they're funny, but if that's what you want to give us our weather back, then i'm sure they would understand with flair. is it our governor? take him too. nobody would bitch about that. did i say bitch in a prayer? my bad, oh magnificent diety, my bad. how about the hippies? hey, if you want to stink up your joint, go ahead. in fact, you don't have to give us the weather back. just take them.
o lord above, master of all that is good, we ask of you to bring back the san francisco weather that allows us to leave our winter jackets hidden in our closets. o lord above, king of kings, we ask you to allow us to be san franciscans again, to leave our houses wearing two layers or less and without scarves and gloves. o lord above, dominion of the earth and heavens, we ask you to give us what makes the rest of the country jealous of us, which allows us to thumb our noses at them.
we ask this in good faith.
have a nice day.
and, while you're at it, can you do something about britney spears? she's annoying the shit out of us.
thanks.
no, i will not.
but since i do not have an "in" with mother nature and since i can't run fast enough to stop the pressure systems from coming in, i've decided to invoke a little-used notion in my life, but completely overused and overdone in today's world.
yes, i'm talkin' 'bout god.
you see, most people in this country pray to god every day, asking him to do things for them instead of actually doing it themselves. but those same people are also annoying whiners, so you gotta believe that the big guy upstairs is tired of hearing their crap. but since i don't normally talk to god, much less even acknowledge his presence, i'm thinking that this upcoming plea would be a sound for sore ears.
after all, we're in a forty degree foxhole. maybe even thirty-nine degree foxhole.
oh lord, help us.
okay, here goes it. twelve years of catholic school, don't fail me now.
---(deep breath)---
dear god, lord of all.
we don't know what the fine people of northern california have done to incur your wrath. we do not understand why you have smite us so much with this weather. perhaps we have angered you so. if that is the case, we beseech you to take whatever you want from us in order to give us our paradise back (which is somewhere around 60 degrees everyday).
what do you want, o glorious one? is it the gays? well, they're funny, but if that's what you want to give us our weather back, then i'm sure they would understand with flair. is it our governor? take him too. nobody would bitch about that. did i say bitch in a prayer? my bad, oh magnificent diety, my bad. how about the hippies? hey, if you want to stink up your joint, go ahead. in fact, you don't have to give us the weather back. just take them.
o lord above, master of all that is good, we ask of you to bring back the san francisco weather that allows us to leave our winter jackets hidden in our closets. o lord above, king of kings, we ask you to allow us to be san franciscans again, to leave our houses wearing two layers or less and without scarves and gloves. o lord above, dominion of the earth and heavens, we ask you to give us what makes the rest of the country jealous of us, which allows us to thumb our noses at them.
we ask this in good faith.
have a nice day.
and, while you're at it, can you do something about britney spears? she's annoying the shit out of us.
thanks.
Friday, February 17, 2006
how you can emote without being understood
i just watched "hustle and flow" with best actor nominee terrence howard as a memphis pimp in a mid-life crisis who decides to chase his dream to become a rapper. okay, it's a much deeper story than that, and most of that is because of the complexity of the character provided by howard, who is just fantastic. in fact, i thought he was just as amazing in "crash" playing a completely different character (a well-to-do executive), but that was a supporting role. he completely carried this film. he's absolutely deserving of the nomination, the first of what will be many.
the thing is that i really didn't understand half of what he said. he spoke with such a deep memphis accent and so quickly that i got the jist of it after awhile but, honestly, the first fifteen minutes were lost on me. but i was able to understand completely. he was that good.
i'm sure i'm not alone in admitting that.
the funny thing is that heath ledger was just as completely incomprehensible in "brokeback mountain", and his performance was just as strong. you felt the restraint and conflict in ledger just as you felt the determination and sometimes disarray in howard. their characters spoke that way because it was true to them. sometimes, the audience has to do a little work too.
so two of the five best acting nominees i really couldn't understand but completely were amazed by.
that, my friends, is acting.
the thing is that i really didn't understand half of what he said. he spoke with such a deep memphis accent and so quickly that i got the jist of it after awhile but, honestly, the first fifteen minutes were lost on me. but i was able to understand completely. he was that good.
i'm sure i'm not alone in admitting that.
the funny thing is that heath ledger was just as completely incomprehensible in "brokeback mountain", and his performance was just as strong. you felt the restraint and conflict in ledger just as you felt the determination and sometimes disarray in howard. their characters spoke that way because it was true to them. sometimes, the audience has to do a little work too.
so two of the five best acting nominees i really couldn't understand but completely were amazed by.
that, my friends, is acting.
how it's hard to find a good role model even when there's one in our midst
the american athletes are leaving very little to like in the olympics so far - and i'm not talking about their disappointing performances during their events.
first, you've got the overly hyped bode miller, who screwed the pooch during his first two events. but that's okay. nobody's perfect. but when you try to come across as being "too cool" and saying that you just don't really care about medals and such, well, it starts sounding more of a buil-in excuse than anything else.
and then you've got johnny weir, who also screwed the pooch during his figure skating routine. but again, that's okay. but what's not okay is blaming it on a bus that didn't arrive on time and not being able to find his "aura". grow up. you had a bad day. that makes you human.
and then you've got lindsay jacobellis, who instead of playing it safe and winning the gold, decided to showboat and wound up losing. well, that's what you get when you showboat. but then trying to cover it up afterwards and saying that she did it for "balance", well, look, i've never been on a snowboard, but people who have been are calling her out for that comment. she showboated. she made a mistake. own up to it.
ugh.
but then we have linday kildow, who survived a terrifying crash and a hospital stay to come in eighth in an event she was favored to win. she battled through excruciating pain and with very little motion. did i mention the inflammatories and painkillers?
now, you don't have to win to have a fantastic story. that's a nice brave role model.
here's the crappy part. i had to google her name.
come on, americans. we're pulling for you. show a little class. that's all we ask.
first, you've got the overly hyped bode miller, who screwed the pooch during his first two events. but that's okay. nobody's perfect. but when you try to come across as being "too cool" and saying that you just don't really care about medals and such, well, it starts sounding more of a buil-in excuse than anything else.
and then you've got johnny weir, who also screwed the pooch during his figure skating routine. but again, that's okay. but what's not okay is blaming it on a bus that didn't arrive on time and not being able to find his "aura". grow up. you had a bad day. that makes you human.
and then you've got lindsay jacobellis, who instead of playing it safe and winning the gold, decided to showboat and wound up losing. well, that's what you get when you showboat. but then trying to cover it up afterwards and saying that she did it for "balance", well, look, i've never been on a snowboard, but people who have been are calling her out for that comment. she showboated. she made a mistake. own up to it.
ugh.
but then we have linday kildow, who survived a terrifying crash and a hospital stay to come in eighth in an event she was favored to win. she battled through excruciating pain and with very little motion. did i mention the inflammatories and painkillers?
now, you don't have to win to have a fantastic story. that's a nice brave role model.
here's the crappy part. i had to google her name.
come on, americans. we're pulling for you. show a little class. that's all we ask.
how someone as smart as that should know better
bryant gumbel is in the center of a controversy that he brought up himself. here's a quote from his fantastic HBO show, "real sports" (transcribed by some dude named seth frelich):
"Finally, tonight, the Winter Games. Count me among those who don’t like them and won’t watch them ... Because they’re so trying, maybe over the next three weeks we should all try too. Like, try not to be incredulous when someone attempts to link these games to those of the ancient Greeks who never heard of skating or skiing. So try not to laugh when someone says these are the world’s greatest athletes, despite a paucity of blacks that makes the Winter Games look like a GOP convention. Try not to point out that something’s not really a sport if a pseudo-athlete waits in what’s called a kiss-and-cry area, while some panel of subjective judges decides who won ... So if only to hasten the arrival of the day they’re done, when we can move on to March Madness — for God’s sake, let the games begin."
the thing that's been getting everyone is this line: "So try not to laugh when someone says these are the world’s greatest athletes, despite a paucity of blacks that makes the Winter Games look like a GOP convention."
there's a lot wrong about that statement (although the GOP convention is dead-on).
first off, i agree with most of what he said besides that. i have serious issues over whether figure skating is indeed a sport. but they're fantastic athletes. in fact, everybody participating in the olympics are world class athletes. just qualifying for the olympics ensures that. it's not their fault, or the olympics fault, that there aren't many blacks that are snowboarders or figure skaters or skeletoners. it's a numbers game, and when the competitors are 90% white or whatever it is, the odds say that the athletes are going to be as white as the snow around them.
but he said black, so he's assuming that a black skiier would be better than a white skiier, that a black luger would be better than a white luger, that a black figure skater would be better than a white one. and there just aren't right now, for whatever reason. and that's nobody's fault.
pointing that out is a racist remark because there's no basis for it. we don't know. we just don't know. there's only been two really great black hockey players (grant fuhr and jarome iginla), and they are fantastic athletes.
is he saying that hockey players aren't great athletes because there aren't many blacks playing in that sport? he can't be serious about that.
but i don't think that's what he's getting at. i think what he's trying to say is that a true athlete is someone who performs while trying to stop the performance of others - and it just so happens that those athletes are black.
he's saying, i believe, that the best athletes in the world are football players, soccer players, basketballers and boxers. and you would have to think hockey players, but that's not the point here.
and, if you're gonna get into a subculture within those i mentioned, the best athletes are wide receivers, cornerbacks, linebackers, running backs, attackers, defenders, point guards, shooting guards, small forwards and boxers like middleweights, welterweights, cruiserweights and lightweights (among others - and of course there are exceptions to this).
and, if you look at the list, most of those athletes would be black.
but by saying black, he's not including john lynch, dan morgan, brian urlacher, david beckham, jason kidd (who's half black), ricky hatton, steve nash, oscar de la hoya and so many countless other fantastic non-black athletes who also fit within that category.
if he didn't say black, he would have been fine, and a point would have been made.
but he said black.
which is shocking, considering that gumbel's a renown golf fanatic. which means you can bet that he's probably gonna be watching the nissan open this weekend, whether tiger woods is in it or not.
"Finally, tonight, the Winter Games. Count me among those who don’t like them and won’t watch them ... Because they’re so trying, maybe over the next three weeks we should all try too. Like, try not to be incredulous when someone attempts to link these games to those of the ancient Greeks who never heard of skating or skiing. So try not to laugh when someone says these are the world’s greatest athletes, despite a paucity of blacks that makes the Winter Games look like a GOP convention. Try not to point out that something’s not really a sport if a pseudo-athlete waits in what’s called a kiss-and-cry area, while some panel of subjective judges decides who won ... So if only to hasten the arrival of the day they’re done, when we can move on to March Madness — for God’s sake, let the games begin."
the thing that's been getting everyone is this line: "So try not to laugh when someone says these are the world’s greatest athletes, despite a paucity of blacks that makes the Winter Games look like a GOP convention."
there's a lot wrong about that statement (although the GOP convention is dead-on).
first off, i agree with most of what he said besides that. i have serious issues over whether figure skating is indeed a sport. but they're fantastic athletes. in fact, everybody participating in the olympics are world class athletes. just qualifying for the olympics ensures that. it's not their fault, or the olympics fault, that there aren't many blacks that are snowboarders or figure skaters or skeletoners. it's a numbers game, and when the competitors are 90% white or whatever it is, the odds say that the athletes are going to be as white as the snow around them.
but he said black, so he's assuming that a black skiier would be better than a white skiier, that a black luger would be better than a white luger, that a black figure skater would be better than a white one. and there just aren't right now, for whatever reason. and that's nobody's fault.
pointing that out is a racist remark because there's no basis for it. we don't know. we just don't know. there's only been two really great black hockey players (grant fuhr and jarome iginla), and they are fantastic athletes.
is he saying that hockey players aren't great athletes because there aren't many blacks playing in that sport? he can't be serious about that.
but i don't think that's what he's getting at. i think what he's trying to say is that a true athlete is someone who performs while trying to stop the performance of others - and it just so happens that those athletes are black.
he's saying, i believe, that the best athletes in the world are football players, soccer players, basketballers and boxers. and you would have to think hockey players, but that's not the point here.
and, if you're gonna get into a subculture within those i mentioned, the best athletes are wide receivers, cornerbacks, linebackers, running backs, attackers, defenders, point guards, shooting guards, small forwards and boxers like middleweights, welterweights, cruiserweights and lightweights (among others - and of course there are exceptions to this).
and, if you look at the list, most of those athletes would be black.
but by saying black, he's not including john lynch, dan morgan, brian urlacher, david beckham, jason kidd (who's half black), ricky hatton, steve nash, oscar de la hoya and so many countless other fantastic non-black athletes who also fit within that category.
if he didn't say black, he would have been fine, and a point would have been made.
but he said black.
which is shocking, considering that gumbel's a renown golf fanatic. which means you can bet that he's probably gonna be watching the nissan open this weekend, whether tiger woods is in it or not.
how there's brilliance, and then there's friggin' brilliance
here's a stage adaptation of "point break" that's being performed in brooklyn.
the fantastic part is that the role of johnny utah (keanu reeves) is being played by random people from the audience reading off cue cards.
that is the best idea i have ever heard. seriously.
whoa.
the fantastic part is that the role of johnny utah (keanu reeves) is being played by random people from the audience reading off cue cards.
that is the best idea i have ever heard. seriously.
whoa.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
how they'll never learn
vice president dick cheney accidentally shoots a fellow hunter.
okay, that's the story. it's an accident.
now, if the vp faced the music at the start and was forthcoming over what seems to be an accident, then it would have been over now. it's an accident. nothing more.
but the first reaction, not only in government but in corporate america and our society as a whole, is to cover it up - as if the truth won't be found out. or, in another tactic, they'll give out false leads or not commenting at all. or, in what is becoming even more popular, they'll give out what stephen colbert calls "truthiness", which is portraying whatever version of the truth you want people to believe and making it sound like the absolute truth.
but, no matter what the tactic, the vp decided that, instead of being forthcoming and being honest about what is an accident, his best recourse would be to divvy out as little information as he can to whomever he cherrypicks.
and when that happens, imaginations run wild and conspiracy theorys sprout up. so, since there's so little information out there, people question why because there has to be a reason why.
and that makes the original story a lot more interesting, even if it isn't.
and i hope it isn't.
so what's my point here? a little honesty and being forthcoming and upfront would have ended it, and he wouldn't look as bad as he does right now.
but nobody nowadays ever seems to realize this. everybody's all about the spin. but when you keep on spinning, you dig a hole for youself.
why is it that i'm the only one who understands this?
by the way, here's a damn funny cartoon from the san francisco chronicle about this whole mess.
okay, that's the story. it's an accident.
now, if the vp faced the music at the start and was forthcoming over what seems to be an accident, then it would have been over now. it's an accident. nothing more.
but the first reaction, not only in government but in corporate america and our society as a whole, is to cover it up - as if the truth won't be found out. or, in another tactic, they'll give out false leads or not commenting at all. or, in what is becoming even more popular, they'll give out what stephen colbert calls "truthiness", which is portraying whatever version of the truth you want people to believe and making it sound like the absolute truth.
but, no matter what the tactic, the vp decided that, instead of being forthcoming and being honest about what is an accident, his best recourse would be to divvy out as little information as he can to whomever he cherrypicks.
and when that happens, imaginations run wild and conspiracy theorys sprout up. so, since there's so little information out there, people question why because there has to be a reason why.
and that makes the original story a lot more interesting, even if it isn't.
and i hope it isn't.
so what's my point here? a little honesty and being forthcoming and upfront would have ended it, and he wouldn't look as bad as he does right now.
but nobody nowadays ever seems to realize this. everybody's all about the spin. but when you keep on spinning, you dig a hole for youself.
why is it that i'm the only one who understands this?
by the way, here's a damn funny cartoon from the san francisco chronicle about this whole mess.
how i've changed the name of my blog
i was thinking about how "the steveohville tribune" just didn't fit with what this blog was about. "tribune" gives the appearance of a newspaper, of facts being unearthed and researched and put forth, as a beacon of respectability and responsibility.
that's not really what this blog is. you see, i'm a clown.
i take the news - big or obscure - and then riff on it or, when i feel like it, i just gab about myself. it's kind of like me sitting in a bar with a couple of friends, drinking sierra nevadas and just having a four hour conversation about many different things, but really trying to make each other laugh.
that's exactly what this blog is. but i can't serve any beer here. technology hasn't advanced that far.
so, until that glorious day arrives, welcome to the steveohville speakeasy. grab a seat. your wiseass will be with you in a moment.
that's not really what this blog is. you see, i'm a clown.
i take the news - big or obscure - and then riff on it or, when i feel like it, i just gab about myself. it's kind of like me sitting in a bar with a couple of friends, drinking sierra nevadas and just having a four hour conversation about many different things, but really trying to make each other laugh.
that's exactly what this blog is. but i can't serve any beer here. technology hasn't advanced that far.
so, until that glorious day arrives, welcome to the steveohville speakeasy. grab a seat. your wiseass will be with you in a moment.
how there's a very fine line
i saw an infomercial for memoprove, which is a pill you take to improve your memory. they had a bunch of testimonials talking about all their memory problems - you know, the usual, like i forgot a number as soon as i heard it, i coudn't remember what i just said, etc.
then they had a lady who said, "more than once, i typed a fax number into my microwave."
what?
"more than once, i typed a fax number into my microwave."
sorry, lady, that's not a memory problem, unless you consider the "more than once" part of it. but that's the most incriminating part of it.
more than once, i mistook a microwave for a fax machine.
yeah, go take a pill for that.
then they had a lady who said, "more than once, i typed a fax number into my microwave."
what?
"more than once, i typed a fax number into my microwave."
sorry, lady, that's not a memory problem, unless you consider the "more than once" part of it. but that's the most incriminating part of it.
more than once, i mistook a microwave for a fax machine.
yeah, go take a pill for that.
how it's hard to take it seriously
american men's figure skater johnny weir was on the "today" show this morning (i was up. don't ask me why).
katie couric asked him who his idol was. now, considering he is a figure skater, you would think he would say scott hamilton or brian boitano or dick buttons.
no.
he said christina aguilera.
and there you have it.
katie couric asked him who his idol was. now, considering he is a figure skater, you would think he would say scott hamilton or brian boitano or dick buttons.
no.
he said christina aguilera.
and there you have it.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
how it never fails to be funny
a guy on "cops" got arrested while wearing a kobe bryant jersey. seriously, it's stuff like that which spins my world.
here's a transcript of how it went down:
kobe: "yo, don't impound my ve-hickle. i worked hard for it."
cop: "well, the guy whose tires you stole worked hard for them too. you take his tires, we take your car. what do you think about that?"
kobe: "oh snap".
you couldn't write stuff like that. god bless you, pierce country (wa) police department and criminals.
here's a transcript of how it went down:
kobe: "yo, don't impound my ve-hickle. i worked hard for it."
cop: "well, the guy whose tires you stole worked hard for them too. you take his tires, we take your car. what do you think about that?"
kobe: "oh snap".
you couldn't write stuff like that. god bless you, pierce country (wa) police department and criminals.
how to sneak a peek inside my viewing habits
as if anyone cares or if anyone's actually heard of these great films, here's what's on my queue in my netflix account:
in the mail:
Hustle and Flow
The Constant Gardener
in queue:
Junebug
North Country
Lord of War
A History of Violence
The Machinist
The Station Agent
The Woodsman
Marathon Man
Kung Fu Hustle
Murderball
The Corporation
Lipstick & Dynamite
Grizzly Man
Oldboy
The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill
Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room
Born Into Brothels
go ahead, call me a film snob for not having any vin diesel on my list. but that's not how i roll.
yeah, i'm down with documentaries about wheelchair athletes and midgets in train stations and strange karate flicks.
that's how i roll.
in the mail:
Hustle and Flow
The Constant Gardener
in queue:
Junebug
North Country
Lord of War
A History of Violence
The Machinist
The Station Agent
The Woodsman
Marathon Man
Kung Fu Hustle
Murderball
The Corporation
Lipstick & Dynamite
Grizzly Man
Oldboy
The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill
Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room
Born Into Brothels
go ahead, call me a film snob for not having any vin diesel on my list. but that's not how i roll.
yeah, i'm down with documentaries about wheelchair athletes and midgets in train stations and strange karate flicks.
that's how i roll.
how february just got much more exciting
pitchers and catchers report to port st. lucie on thursday.
that's tomorrow if you're reading this on wednesday.
and that makes for one anxious writer you're reading right now.
so pedro, tommy and billy - see you on thursday, where you'll be greeted by david wright, who is ALREADY at camp.
i believe the proper term to be chanted is "let's go mets".
repeat.
that's tomorrow if you're reading this on wednesday.
and that makes for one anxious writer you're reading right now.
so pedro, tommy and billy - see you on thursday, where you'll be greeted by david wright, who is ALREADY at camp.
i believe the proper term to be chanted is "let's go mets".
repeat.
how i'm gonna make a stand about this
okay, it's easy to make dick cheney jokes right now. i did. scroll down.
but the sickening thing about this - AGAIN - is how democrats see this as another indictment of a corrupt administration, and republicans see this as nothing more than a personal issue.
and, AGAIN, they're both full of shit. as usual.
you see, democrats see this as another indictment of a corrupt administration - and that's only because dick cheney is not a democrat. and republicans see this as nothing more than a personal issue - and that's only because dick cheney is a republican.
if this were bill clinton, the sides would have been reversed.
in fact, they were.
when clinton shot all over monica lewinsky's dress, republicans saw it as another indictment of a corrupt administration, and democrats saw it as nothing more of a personal issue.
clinton was impeached for what i believed was a personal issue (and if you think it's about perjury, then you're completely blind about it). let's see what happens to cheney for what i think is basically the same thing - something happens, there's a cover-up, the politician is allowed liberties not given to a common citizen, more lies are put out, there's a ton of spin, some fumbling because that never works and, overall, the whole thing is overblown for more than what it's worth. and then people make snap judgements based on political affiliations.
a logical person would say that cheney's accident was just a personal issue, just like clinton.
at least i hope it is for cheney. but the more i hear about this, the more i'm getting leery.
but what is clear, as usual, is that both parties are full of shit.
again.
and so are the media. they've at least been ballsier about this, standing up to the administration by people on both sides of the coin, but it's more about how the government has handled divvying out the information instead of the information. but that's just the media making the story about them. i'm not saying it ain't a story; it's just not the big one. the government covers-up and lies. shocker.
idiots all around.
but the sickening thing about this - AGAIN - is how democrats see this as another indictment of a corrupt administration, and republicans see this as nothing more than a personal issue.
and, AGAIN, they're both full of shit. as usual.
you see, democrats see this as another indictment of a corrupt administration - and that's only because dick cheney is not a democrat. and republicans see this as nothing more than a personal issue - and that's only because dick cheney is a republican.
if this were bill clinton, the sides would have been reversed.
in fact, they were.
when clinton shot all over monica lewinsky's dress, republicans saw it as another indictment of a corrupt administration, and democrats saw it as nothing more of a personal issue.
clinton was impeached for what i believed was a personal issue (and if you think it's about perjury, then you're completely blind about it). let's see what happens to cheney for what i think is basically the same thing - something happens, there's a cover-up, the politician is allowed liberties not given to a common citizen, more lies are put out, there's a ton of spin, some fumbling because that never works and, overall, the whole thing is overblown for more than what it's worth. and then people make snap judgements based on political affiliations.
a logical person would say that cheney's accident was just a personal issue, just like clinton.
at least i hope it is for cheney. but the more i hear about this, the more i'm getting leery.
but what is clear, as usual, is that both parties are full of shit.
again.
and so are the media. they've at least been ballsier about this, standing up to the administration by people on both sides of the coin, but it's more about how the government has handled divvying out the information instead of the information. but that's just the media making the story about them. i'm not saying it ain't a story; it's just not the big one. the government covers-up and lies. shocker.
idiots all around.
how it's not a sport, no matter how you twirl it
figure skating has always been a rigged exhibition performed by talented athletes - but it is a performance based upon opinion, much like the academy awards.
alas, it's beautiful to watch.
but, to make it more of a sporting event, new rules were developed to help legitimize it - and already, they don't work.
last night (or morning - i forget how it works), chinese figure skating couple zhang dan and zhang hao punctuated their routine by trying something unprecedented called the quadruple salchow throw (yes, i copy-and-pasted it).
zhang dan wasn't able to land. in fact, she splattered, horribly injuring her knee.
five minutes later, they continued their routine and won the silver medal.
okay, what?
first off, they were credited for trying the move. it didn't matter that they weren't able to do it; they got credit for trying. does that sound wrong to anyone else? i mean, if i were to try to throw a fastball past a-rod and he hits it out of the park, i don't get credit for an out, do i? i mean, if you're gonna get credit for the quadruple salchow throw, you better land it. if i twirl in the air while walking to the deli, do i get credit for it too?
that doesn't make sense. you shouldn't get credit for failing.
and then they're able to finish their routine five minutes later? i mean, that's valiant and brave, but does anyone else think that's wrong too? i mean, if you try the quadruple salchow throw and you fail and hurt yourself, well, thank you for trying. that's the risk in trying it.
jim caple from espn wrote that if michelle kwan knew those were the rules, she should re-enter the competition and do her routine one jump at a time. it's in the rules. might as well take advantage of it.
and he's right about that.
so yeah, that's my rant on this subject. i'll watch it, i guess, 'cause it is beautiful and graceful and sasha cohen is kinda smoking.
but not the guys. i ain't watching the guys.
alas, it's beautiful to watch.
but, to make it more of a sporting event, new rules were developed to help legitimize it - and already, they don't work.
last night (or morning - i forget how it works), chinese figure skating couple zhang dan and zhang hao punctuated their routine by trying something unprecedented called the quadruple salchow throw (yes, i copy-and-pasted it).
zhang dan wasn't able to land. in fact, she splattered, horribly injuring her knee.
five minutes later, they continued their routine and won the silver medal.
okay, what?
first off, they were credited for trying the move. it didn't matter that they weren't able to do it; they got credit for trying. does that sound wrong to anyone else? i mean, if i were to try to throw a fastball past a-rod and he hits it out of the park, i don't get credit for an out, do i? i mean, if you're gonna get credit for the quadruple salchow throw, you better land it. if i twirl in the air while walking to the deli, do i get credit for it too?
that doesn't make sense. you shouldn't get credit for failing.
and then they're able to finish their routine five minutes later? i mean, that's valiant and brave, but does anyone else think that's wrong too? i mean, if you try the quadruple salchow throw and you fail and hurt yourself, well, thank you for trying. that's the risk in trying it.
jim caple from espn wrote that if michelle kwan knew those were the rules, she should re-enter the competition and do her routine one jump at a time. it's in the rules. might as well take advantage of it.
and he's right about that.
so yeah, that's my rant on this subject. i'll watch it, i guess, 'cause it is beautiful and graceful and sasha cohen is kinda smoking.
but not the guys. i ain't watching the guys.
how i'm sure NBC will cringe when they read this
when do the olympics start?
oh, they did? which events?
so, let me rephrase the question. when does olympic hockey start?
okay, that's all i needed to know. thanks.
oh, they did? which events?
so, let me rephrase the question. when does olympic hockey start?
okay, that's all i needed to know. thanks.
Monday, February 13, 2006
how i'm sure enough about this to make a solid prediction
one thing that i've noticed about college basketball: there's a ton of parity. with the reduction of scholarships coupled with the increase of good ballplayers and the exodus of star underclassmen to the nba, it's easier for a mid-major team to keep up with the big boys. and most of the big upsets during march madness happen when a senior-laden lower seed takes down a favorite led by a big scorer or scorers.
what makes that happen is that usually the mid-major does something very well, and on that night, they do it great. and the favorite does not.
it's only one game. anything can happen.
that being said, i find it hard to believe that either uconn or villanova will be upset this year.
you see, uconn is huge. and no matter how good a mid-major might be, they're gonna have trouble keeping athletic big men off the boards. and even if one of the bigs gets in foul trouble, they've got subs coming in that are just as good. there's very little drop off. it's gonna be a big problem to deal with; mid-majors aren't blessed with size.
and because mid-majors aren't blessed with size, they're gonna have a ton of trouble against villanova. no matter who they put out there, they're gonna be nowhere near as good as allen ray, randy foye, kyle lowry or mike nardi. in fact, they'll be outquicked and outshot and outdefended. that scrappiness that mid-majors rely upon will be negated. those guys are too good, and even if one or two have an off-day, the other will pick it up.
and that's it. i can see j.j. redick having an off-day and duke losing. i can see the freshman on memphis getting caught up in the moment. i can see adam morrison having an off-day and nobody else on gonzaga picking him up.
but uconn and 'nova? no way.
what makes that happen is that usually the mid-major does something very well, and on that night, they do it great. and the favorite does not.
it's only one game. anything can happen.
that being said, i find it hard to believe that either uconn or villanova will be upset this year.
you see, uconn is huge. and no matter how good a mid-major might be, they're gonna have trouble keeping athletic big men off the boards. and even if one of the bigs gets in foul trouble, they've got subs coming in that are just as good. there's very little drop off. it's gonna be a big problem to deal with; mid-majors aren't blessed with size.
and because mid-majors aren't blessed with size, they're gonna have a ton of trouble against villanova. no matter who they put out there, they're gonna be nowhere near as good as allen ray, randy foye, kyle lowry or mike nardi. in fact, they'll be outquicked and outshot and outdefended. that scrappiness that mid-majors rely upon will be negated. those guys are too good, and even if one or two have an off-day, the other will pick it up.
and that's it. i can see j.j. redick having an off-day and duke losing. i can see the freshman on memphis getting caught up in the moment. i can see adam morrison having an off-day and nobody else on gonzaga picking him up.
but uconn and 'nova? no way.
how i hope this is not a sign for things to come
tonight, i busted my fourth lightbulb in threee days.
by that, i mean that i turn on a lightswitch, and the bulb flickers once and then it doesn't work.
it's a completely random thing that has happened four times in three days.
i don't know what this means.
hopefully it's good, like when a bird shits on your shoulder. at least that's what i tell myself whenever that happens, which isn't often. but if it is a good thing, then maybe i should try to make that happen by wearing a david byrne blazer with shoulderpads.
okay, i'll stop typing now.
by that, i mean that i turn on a lightswitch, and the bulb flickers once and then it doesn't work.
it's a completely random thing that has happened four times in three days.
i don't know what this means.
hopefully it's good, like when a bird shits on your shoulder. at least that's what i tell myself whenever that happens, which isn't often. but if it is a good thing, then maybe i should try to make that happen by wearing a david byrne blazer with shoulderpads.
okay, i'll stop typing now.
how there's a silver lining in every day
i'm trying to figure out which event was worse for tommy lee recently:
1. getting beat up by eminem's posse after he made fun of their detroit homeboy kid rock or
2. finding out later on that the woman he was flirting with all night is a transsexual.
the fact that both things happened in the same night means that he couldn't even feel good about having a giant shlong.
i mean, he could, but he probably didn't.
on second thought, he probably did.
shit.
1. getting beat up by eminem's posse after he made fun of their detroit homeboy kid rock or
2. finding out later on that the woman he was flirting with all night is a transsexual.
the fact that both things happened in the same night means that he couldn't even feel good about having a giant shlong.
i mean, he could, but he probably didn't.
on second thought, he probably did.
shit.
how you can't blame him
a lot has been made about white sox manager ozzie guillen's decision to miss his team's invitation at the white house.
but can you really blame the guy? he kinda looks like a quail.
someone would have to restrain the vice president.
but can you really blame the guy? he kinda looks like a quail.
someone would have to restrain the vice president.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
how i'm sure there's a meaning
there's nothing on except for bonnie raitt in concert on vh1. i dig her. she's a good writer and singer - although she's way too political in her ramblings for my sake.
but that's not for here or there.
anyways, between songs, she said that "religion is for people who want to avoid hell, and spirituality is for people who've been there."
i don't know what that means, but i like it.
but that's not for here or there.
anyways, between songs, she said that "religion is for people who want to avoid hell, and spirituality is for people who've been there."
i don't know what that means, but i like it.
how it must be a rule
i just happened to click onto the pro bowl from honolulu, hawaii, and this thought came into my mind:
is there a rule in hawaii that forces everyone to wear hawaiian shirts - especially if you're gonna be on television?
seriously, have you ever watched anyone wear anything else during a telecast from the islands?
and what do hawaiians think of this?
if anyone out there reading this is from the rainbow state, please shed some light on this revelation.
i'm hoping it's not true.
is there a rule in hawaii that forces everyone to wear hawaiian shirts - especially if you're gonna be on television?
seriously, have you ever watched anyone wear anything else during a telecast from the islands?
and what do hawaiians think of this?
if anyone out there reading this is from the rainbow state, please shed some light on this revelation.
i'm hoping it's not true.
how there are exceptions
it's never funny when someone gets shot.
okay, it's somewhat ironically funny when the someone who gets shot is a hunter.
okay, it's quite funny when the someone who gets shot is a hunter, and the bullets come from the gun of vice president dick cheney.
okay, it's hilariously funny when the someone who gets shot is a hunter, and the bullets come from the gun of vice president dick cheney, and it takes THAT for him finally admit a mistake and apologize.
oh wait, that's sad.
okay, it's somewhat ironically funny when the someone who gets shot is a hunter.
okay, it's quite funny when the someone who gets shot is a hunter, and the bullets come from the gun of vice president dick cheney.
okay, it's hilariously funny when the someone who gets shot is a hunter, and the bullets come from the gun of vice president dick cheney, and it takes THAT for him finally admit a mistake and apologize.
oh wait, that's sad.
how you should allow me to indulge myself just this once
here's some photos of my new apartment that i just signed a lease for a scant two hours ago. i used my cellphone camera, so pardon the haziness - unless it's from the tears in your eyes. that i can do nothing about.
okay, here they are.
this is the view from california st:
and from 6th avenue:
enter the hallway. exciting, ain't it:
witness the fireplace in the living room:
and the hutch which will hold my turntable and receiver:
my bedroom, otherwise known as "the lair":
and, most importantly, here's a photo of the KFC on geary. that's a huge bucket of chicken on top of the building with a bunch of birds shitting in it.
okay, here they are.
this is the view from california st:
and from 6th avenue:
enter the hallway. exciting, ain't it:
witness the fireplace in the living room:
and the hutch which will hold my turntable and receiver:
my bedroom, otherwise known as "the lair":
and, most importantly, here's a photo of the KFC on geary. that's a huge bucket of chicken on top of the building with a bunch of birds shitting in it.
how we are who we think we are
here's a quote from tara reid:
"I work really hard. I don't just party. I work with charities and I'm a huge family girl. I'm with my family every Sunday. I just bought my parents a house on the beach, three houses from mine. I'm sensitive and I care what people write about me. I don't like that they make me look like an idiot. I'm not an idiot. I'm smart. I'm a lot smarter than people realize. I just want to act again. I'm more than they're letting me be. I need a chance. If I get that chance, people will see."
self-justification is the new breathing.
"I work really hard. I don't just party. I work with charities and I'm a huge family girl. I'm with my family every Sunday. I just bought my parents a house on the beach, three houses from mine. I'm sensitive and I care what people write about me. I don't like that they make me look like an idiot. I'm not an idiot. I'm smart. I'm a lot smarter than people realize. I just want to act again. I'm more than they're letting me be. I need a chance. If I get that chance, people will see."
self-justification is the new breathing.
Friday, February 10, 2006
how i have a voice and i will be heard
as many of you know, i've been looking for a new apartment. in fact, i'm outta my place on march 1, so i've been intesifying my efforts in the past week - during which i found a great apartment on arguello and clement, a one bedroom with a family room and large living room. it's a really cool set-up and, for $1350, it's a steal (okay, in san francisco it's a deal).
i dug it.
so i called the rental agent - they're called, and i'm bolding them for effect, the american realty & construction inc. - and told him that i want to come by and sign up for an application. he said no problem, to come on by and i'll fill it out and they'll run a credit report and it shouldn't be a problem.
i've done this before. it's no big deal.
anyways, i showed up, and they put me in a conference room. the guy i was dealing with, jimmy lau, also bolded for effect, wasn't around but he left me the paperwork. his sweet assistant handed me to them with a pen. she told me that jimmy left these for me to sign.
usually, most people would just go ahead and fill it out.
but, you see, i'm a writer. and i know that life is all about the details.
so the first thing that struck me was that the application had a carbon copy. why would i need a copy? it's usually just a photocopied form you fill out.
the next thing i realized was that the paper had the words "prorated" on it. this has nothing to do with rent.
and the last thing i noticed was the words "OFFER TO LEASE".
yep, it was a lease i was signing.
even more clearly: they were trying to get me to sign a lease with me thinking it was an appilcation. they were, in short, trying to pull a fast one.
i instantly bolted up and found the assistant and told her that i was uncomfortable with signing this, and that i only came by to apply. you see, that's what you do: you apply, you are approved after a credit report and then you sign the lease. i had never been to this office before. i hadn't been approved for anything. why was i signing a lease?
i could tell that she really didn't know. she guessed that maybe jimmy used this for an application form - even though he filled out the terms of the lease, the rent, the move-in date and everything else. he even signed the damned thing.
i told her that if this is a respectable real estate agency, and it seems that way, considering that they're located in a business building and they've got nice offices, that i'm sure they have an appilcation form in a pile somewhere that i would use and not a lease.
she had no answer. i knew that she knew that i was onto them.
that asshole tried to get me to sign a lease.
so, again, the sneaky jackasses are called the american realty & construction inc., and the head snake is jimmy lau.
anyways, since each should become aware, i posted a version of this rant on craigslist, just because everyone should know what they're getting into.
how about me for social awareness!
i dug it.
so i called the rental agent - they're called, and i'm bolding them for effect, the american realty & construction inc. - and told him that i want to come by and sign up for an application. he said no problem, to come on by and i'll fill it out and they'll run a credit report and it shouldn't be a problem.
i've done this before. it's no big deal.
anyways, i showed up, and they put me in a conference room. the guy i was dealing with, jimmy lau, also bolded for effect, wasn't around but he left me the paperwork. his sweet assistant handed me to them with a pen. she told me that jimmy left these for me to sign.
usually, most people would just go ahead and fill it out.
but, you see, i'm a writer. and i know that life is all about the details.
so the first thing that struck me was that the application had a carbon copy. why would i need a copy? it's usually just a photocopied form you fill out.
the next thing i realized was that the paper had the words "prorated" on it. this has nothing to do with rent.
and the last thing i noticed was the words "OFFER TO LEASE".
yep, it was a lease i was signing.
even more clearly: they were trying to get me to sign a lease with me thinking it was an appilcation. they were, in short, trying to pull a fast one.
i instantly bolted up and found the assistant and told her that i was uncomfortable with signing this, and that i only came by to apply. you see, that's what you do: you apply, you are approved after a credit report and then you sign the lease. i had never been to this office before. i hadn't been approved for anything. why was i signing a lease?
i could tell that she really didn't know. she guessed that maybe jimmy used this for an application form - even though he filled out the terms of the lease, the rent, the move-in date and everything else. he even signed the damned thing.
i told her that if this is a respectable real estate agency, and it seems that way, considering that they're located in a business building and they've got nice offices, that i'm sure they have an appilcation form in a pile somewhere that i would use and not a lease.
she had no answer. i knew that she knew that i was onto them.
that asshole tried to get me to sign a lease.
so, again, the sneaky jackasses are called the american realty & construction inc., and the head snake is jimmy lau.
anyways, since each should become aware, i posted a version of this rant on craigslist, just because everyone should know what they're getting into.
how about me for social awareness!
how to suck and then totally redeem myself
whenever i played basketball or play softball, i can usually figure out what i'm doing wrong and correct it on the fly. athletics is nothing more than mechanics and muscle memory. someone who plies their trade will know themselves well enough.
some days, nothing's gonna work, no matter what you do.
at least, for me.
tonight, i sucked at bowling. i'm talking really sucked. the difference, however, is that i don't know what i'm doing with bowling. i don't have proper mechanics, and i don't even pretend to. so it's difficult for me to make changes on the fly because i'm not really sure if i'm changing for the better.
but i did.
you see, as each frame went by, i picked something up by watching other bowlers. and by the end, i kinda figured it out.
okay, i'm posting my discoveries, not really as much for you but for me, so i don't forget them next week. that's why they're in bold.
1. at the beginning, stay bent and compact. get low to the ground. and stay on the opposite side than i normally would (i'm a lefthanded bowler, so begin on the left side).
2. during the approach, think about attacking the pins, but do it deliberately.
3. keep my arm in during the toss.
4. bend so low that i drag my knee on the ground.
5. follow through to the pin.
i'm thinking these work. for me, being compact and simple always brings me back to basics.
and if staying basic results in something like the four straight spares that i ended on, then i'll take it.
some days, nothing's gonna work, no matter what you do.
at least, for me.
tonight, i sucked at bowling. i'm talking really sucked. the difference, however, is that i don't know what i'm doing with bowling. i don't have proper mechanics, and i don't even pretend to. so it's difficult for me to make changes on the fly because i'm not really sure if i'm changing for the better.
but i did.
you see, as each frame went by, i picked something up by watching other bowlers. and by the end, i kinda figured it out.
okay, i'm posting my discoveries, not really as much for you but for me, so i don't forget them next week. that's why they're in bold.
1. at the beginning, stay bent and compact. get low to the ground. and stay on the opposite side than i normally would (i'm a lefthanded bowler, so begin on the left side).
2. during the approach, think about attacking the pins, but do it deliberately.
3. keep my arm in during the toss.
4. bend so low that i drag my knee on the ground.
5. follow through to the pin.
i'm thinking these work. for me, being compact and simple always brings me back to basics.
and if staying basic results in something like the four straight spares that i ended on, then i'll take it.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
how there's nothing like california in february
i spent the whole day outside in the 70 degree sun, laying flat on my back in golden gate park, shirtless below the cloudless sky.
dogs barked. teenagers laughed. baseball players warmed up. sprinklers pumped.
the sun was just hot enough to make its presence known. when i wasn't absorbing its rays, i read my book.
it was that kind of day.
later, when i had enough of perfection, i decided to walk to the greek restaurant for some hummus. in front of me, waiting for the red light to turn green, was an elderly couple - i'm guessing they were in their eighties. neither was five foot tall. he had hearing aids beside both ears, and her posture wasn't the best. they spoke in the most gentlest terms to each other, the most tender small talk you'll ever hear.
he was as italian as any of my relatives. and she was as chinese as anyone on the street.
and as the light turned green, together they walked, stepping in unison, holding hands, fingers intertwined, forever in love.
like i said, it was that kind of day.
dogs barked. teenagers laughed. baseball players warmed up. sprinklers pumped.
the sun was just hot enough to make its presence known. when i wasn't absorbing its rays, i read my book.
it was that kind of day.
later, when i had enough of perfection, i decided to walk to the greek restaurant for some hummus. in front of me, waiting for the red light to turn green, was an elderly couple - i'm guessing they were in their eighties. neither was five foot tall. he had hearing aids beside both ears, and her posture wasn't the best. they spoke in the most gentlest terms to each other, the most tender small talk you'll ever hear.
he was as italian as any of my relatives. and she was as chinese as anyone on the street.
and as the light turned green, together they walked, stepping in unison, holding hands, fingers intertwined, forever in love.
like i said, it was that kind of day.
how i'm destroying every one of my yearbook photos
this is the best use of a yearbook photo ever.
ever!
i'm still laughing. make sure you have your volume on too. it adds to the flava.
ever!
i'm still laughing. make sure you have your volume on too. it adds to the flava.
how there are joy in tears
many of you ask me how my friend christine is doing as she battles leukemia. and i'm always forthright with any information i have - and since there hasn't been any news, that means great news.
anyways, tommy sent me an update that i'd like to share with you.
i dare you not to cry.
It felt like the days would never come where I would be at my desk writing about my wife’s successful fight against an invisible enemy. In the time since I have written my last update a great deal has transpired. Doctor appointments have come and gone. Medical tests have come and gone. Christine’s 2 year birthday has come and gone. Although we sit back and smile as a family at how wonderful life is compared to the days in the hospital, the scars, both mental and physical, are a constant reminder of our struggles over the last 4 years. Despite this however, life is a wonderful thing.
My wife’s last bone marrow biopsy was a remarkable achievement and another milestone in her path toward the 5 year mark where she is officially declared cured of leukemia. We held our breath for a full month after the last bone marrow biopsy, praying and pleading with God and all his Angels that the tests would come back negative. They did. With the good news came the remarkable discovery that Christine’s bone marrow biopsies would now be yearly instead of every 6 months. To think just a year ago they were a monthly event. Her doctor appointments are even spread out to every 6 months. These are things to be happy for.
November 13th 2005 was Christine’s 2nd birthday and she received a number of messages and notes from many of you wishing her a happy birthday. Thanks for those. She holds them dear and is extremely touched by everyone who remembered and/or keeps her in their prayers. We didn’t throw a big party this year, but enjoyed a more intimate celebration. The three of us, Kailey, Christine and I went to dinner at a nice little restaurant and then went back to our home to enjoy the rest of our immediate family and a few close friends. We took the time to count our blessings each and every moment of the day. It was a very special time.
I’ve looked forward to writing the next update but we found ourselves amidst the struggles of balancing life between work, play and family time. We try so hard not to get caught up in the little things that sometimes get in the way of what’s really important. But we’re human, so we make some mistakes and correct them along the way. We learn from those mistakes and use our experiences to try and keep us on the right path. It’s amazing how well it works when you have a team behind you as a constant reminder of love, faith, and support. Family and friends are such a wonderful thing.
We had a very successful year in 2005 raising support for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. When all is tallied by the end of February we should be at our $21,000 goal for the year. Thanks to all of you who have helped to make that a success and we look forward to an even better 2006 as we look to put an even bigger dent in blood related cancers!
If anyone really knows Christine, you are aware of her love of the baseball and in particular the NY Mets. Through the Leukemia Society, Christine, Kailey and I were invited to a NY Mets outing in Manhattan and got to meet the players. We took pictures, got autographs and played video and interactive games with the likes of Cliff Floyd, David Wright, and Chris Woodward. We even met Willie Randolph and Omar Minaya. I was very excited during the evening but you had to see the look on Christine’s face! Thank goodness we have pictures. You’d never believe we were hanging out with Mr. Met! It was an experience of a lifetime and in Christine’s words it was one of the most amazing experiences of her life. It was great to hear because she most definitely deserves it. It’s wonderful to see good things happening for her.
It’s difficult to forget we’re coming up on the 4 year anniversary of the first days of what has been a long and difficult journey. I continue to be proud of what my wife has accomplished. I would have her run for President of the United States if the work hours weren’t so long. I figure with what she’s accomplished so far in her life, some major political goals would be a piece of cake. Remembering back to that fateful day in the hospital reminds me of just how lucky we are. How lucky to have Christine with us here today. How lucky we were to have gone to the hospital and how lucky we are to have had the right medical staff, support, and our hero in Tampa (and his family). We’re still taking it one day at a time and remain forever thankful to so many for so much.
Christine has taught me a valuable lesson about escaping that which we do not want to endure. In every sense of the concept, our first desires are to escape by running away; avoidance. In so many ways this often delays the inevitable, or makes matters worse. If Christine were to have run she may not be lying in the next room at this very moment. That’s a powerful thought, and so very real. I’ve learned that in certain situations, to escape something; to truly do away with something you no longer want to endure you must take it head on. In Christine’s case her story tells of how she took on Leukemia and then a relapse; dealt with rounds of chemotherapy and radiation and all their miserable, horrible affects; to take her disease head on. She took it head on to do away with it for good. She continues to take on the stresses that come with her journey. She fights daily as she inspects her body for inexplicable bruises. She fights daily as she realizes the affects of radiation on the body and the changes she’s endured to find a cure. All these little things point back to the fact Christine was diagnosed with Leukemia 4 years ago and are a reminder that she will continue her fight each and every day. She wonders whether she will ever wake up and not ask herself if it’s back. As I continue to stand by her side with our family and friends and assist her in her battles, I will continue to use her example in my everyday life. It has made me stronger and will continue to be a driving force in the successes of our family. It’s great to have such an inspiration under the same roof and so close to my heart. Knowing Kailey has such an incredible role model makes me proud as a father and a husband. I’m one lucky guy.
All my love,
Tommy
love ya too, buddy.
anyways, tommy sent me an update that i'd like to share with you.
i dare you not to cry.
It felt like the days would never come where I would be at my desk writing about my wife’s successful fight against an invisible enemy. In the time since I have written my last update a great deal has transpired. Doctor appointments have come and gone. Medical tests have come and gone. Christine’s 2 year birthday has come and gone. Although we sit back and smile as a family at how wonderful life is compared to the days in the hospital, the scars, both mental and physical, are a constant reminder of our struggles over the last 4 years. Despite this however, life is a wonderful thing.
My wife’s last bone marrow biopsy was a remarkable achievement and another milestone in her path toward the 5 year mark where she is officially declared cured of leukemia. We held our breath for a full month after the last bone marrow biopsy, praying and pleading with God and all his Angels that the tests would come back negative. They did. With the good news came the remarkable discovery that Christine’s bone marrow biopsies would now be yearly instead of every 6 months. To think just a year ago they were a monthly event. Her doctor appointments are even spread out to every 6 months. These are things to be happy for.
November 13th 2005 was Christine’s 2nd birthday and she received a number of messages and notes from many of you wishing her a happy birthday. Thanks for those. She holds them dear and is extremely touched by everyone who remembered and/or keeps her in their prayers. We didn’t throw a big party this year, but enjoyed a more intimate celebration. The three of us, Kailey, Christine and I went to dinner at a nice little restaurant and then went back to our home to enjoy the rest of our immediate family and a few close friends. We took the time to count our blessings each and every moment of the day. It was a very special time.
I’ve looked forward to writing the next update but we found ourselves amidst the struggles of balancing life between work, play and family time. We try so hard not to get caught up in the little things that sometimes get in the way of what’s really important. But we’re human, so we make some mistakes and correct them along the way. We learn from those mistakes and use our experiences to try and keep us on the right path. It’s amazing how well it works when you have a team behind you as a constant reminder of love, faith, and support. Family and friends are such a wonderful thing.
We had a very successful year in 2005 raising support for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. When all is tallied by the end of February we should be at our $21,000 goal for the year. Thanks to all of you who have helped to make that a success and we look forward to an even better 2006 as we look to put an even bigger dent in blood related cancers!
If anyone really knows Christine, you are aware of her love of the baseball and in particular the NY Mets. Through the Leukemia Society, Christine, Kailey and I were invited to a NY Mets outing in Manhattan and got to meet the players. We took pictures, got autographs and played video and interactive games with the likes of Cliff Floyd, David Wright, and Chris Woodward. We even met Willie Randolph and Omar Minaya. I was very excited during the evening but you had to see the look on Christine’s face! Thank goodness we have pictures. You’d never believe we were hanging out with Mr. Met! It was an experience of a lifetime and in Christine’s words it was one of the most amazing experiences of her life. It was great to hear because she most definitely deserves it. It’s wonderful to see good things happening for her.
It’s difficult to forget we’re coming up on the 4 year anniversary of the first days of what has been a long and difficult journey. I continue to be proud of what my wife has accomplished. I would have her run for President of the United States if the work hours weren’t so long. I figure with what she’s accomplished so far in her life, some major political goals would be a piece of cake. Remembering back to that fateful day in the hospital reminds me of just how lucky we are. How lucky to have Christine with us here today. How lucky we were to have gone to the hospital and how lucky we are to have had the right medical staff, support, and our hero in Tampa (and his family). We’re still taking it one day at a time and remain forever thankful to so many for so much.
Christine has taught me a valuable lesson about escaping that which we do not want to endure. In every sense of the concept, our first desires are to escape by running away; avoidance. In so many ways this often delays the inevitable, or makes matters worse. If Christine were to have run she may not be lying in the next room at this very moment. That’s a powerful thought, and so very real. I’ve learned that in certain situations, to escape something; to truly do away with something you no longer want to endure you must take it head on. In Christine’s case her story tells of how she took on Leukemia and then a relapse; dealt with rounds of chemotherapy and radiation and all their miserable, horrible affects; to take her disease head on. She took it head on to do away with it for good. She continues to take on the stresses that come with her journey. She fights daily as she inspects her body for inexplicable bruises. She fights daily as she realizes the affects of radiation on the body and the changes she’s endured to find a cure. All these little things point back to the fact Christine was diagnosed with Leukemia 4 years ago and are a reminder that she will continue her fight each and every day. She wonders whether she will ever wake up and not ask herself if it’s back. As I continue to stand by her side with our family and friends and assist her in her battles, I will continue to use her example in my everyday life. It has made me stronger and will continue to be a driving force in the successes of our family. It’s great to have such an inspiration under the same roof and so close to my heart. Knowing Kailey has such an incredible role model makes me proud as a father and a husband. I’m one lucky guy.
All my love,
Tommy
love ya too, buddy.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
how to kill a crowd and then bring them back to life and then keep them from leaving
i went to the jeff tweedy solo show last night at the fillmore.
first off, the opening act was a guy named nels cline, who plays with wilco from time to time. and, well, it was kinda weird. and by kinda weird, i mean really frigging weird, so much so that it killed the crowd - and this is already a san francisco crowd. it was just some sort of self-indulgent masturbation on stage, making noises that really didn't have much of an arc or...look, even that was way too intricate to describe.
it sounded like what a blind man would hear if he were watching "friday the 13th, part 3".
or, it sounded like r2d2 after four sacks of white castle.
if you find either of that interesting, go nuts.
nobody did.
then tweedy came out.
you know, wilco is a fantastic band. in fact, you're not gonna find one that's tighter and as explorative as they are. they do a lot of complicated shit, with plenty of songs within songs.
but when you strip it all down, when you get rid of the drums and bass and horns, when it's just jeff tweedy and his guitar, you begin to concentrate of the musical storyline, his dylan/lennon voice and, especially, the lyrics.
especially the lyrics.
and he's one talented dude.
i mean, i know the words, but they really stand out when they don't have to compete.
The ashtray says
You were up all night
When you went to bed
With your darkest mind
Your pillow wept
And covered your eyes
And you finally slept
While the sun caught fire
You've changed
Oh, you've changed.
he puts on a fantastic show. he really does. a lot of bantering with the crowd.
but it's still all about the music.
Let's forget about the tongue-tied lightning
Let's undress just like cross-eyed strangers
This is not a joke, so please stop smiling
What was I thinking when I said it didn't hurt?
if you're not a huge fan of wilco, you're really missing out.
first off, the opening act was a guy named nels cline, who plays with wilco from time to time. and, well, it was kinda weird. and by kinda weird, i mean really frigging weird, so much so that it killed the crowd - and this is already a san francisco crowd. it was just some sort of self-indulgent masturbation on stage, making noises that really didn't have much of an arc or...look, even that was way too intricate to describe.
it sounded like what a blind man would hear if he were watching "friday the 13th, part 3".
or, it sounded like r2d2 after four sacks of white castle.
if you find either of that interesting, go nuts.
nobody did.
then tweedy came out.
you know, wilco is a fantastic band. in fact, you're not gonna find one that's tighter and as explorative as they are. they do a lot of complicated shit, with plenty of songs within songs.
but when you strip it all down, when you get rid of the drums and bass and horns, when it's just jeff tweedy and his guitar, you begin to concentrate of the musical storyline, his dylan/lennon voice and, especially, the lyrics.
especially the lyrics.
and he's one talented dude.
i mean, i know the words, but they really stand out when they don't have to compete.
The ashtray says
You were up all night
When you went to bed
With your darkest mind
Your pillow wept
And covered your eyes
And you finally slept
While the sun caught fire
You've changed
Oh, you've changed.
he puts on a fantastic show. he really does. a lot of bantering with the crowd.
but it's still all about the music.
Let's forget about the tongue-tied lightning
Let's undress just like cross-eyed strangers
This is not a joke, so please stop smiling
What was I thinking when I said it didn't hurt?
if you're not a huge fan of wilco, you're really missing out.
how i'd crap my pants in the ocean
here's a link to some photos of the 2006 mavericks surf contest that went on yesterday down the road in half moon bay.
ballsy stuff.
ballsy stuff.
Monday, February 06, 2006
how jack bauer would be impressed
the only thing more impossible than jack bauer being able to figure out a way to revive a dead man so he could get the coordinates of centeal asian terrorists with the possession of nerve gas is finding episode recaps for "24" online.
seriously, i was throwing things. it shouldn't have been that hard to find.
stupidly, i didn't think about wikipedia until 37 minutes later, but i eventually went there, and sho' enuff, 'twas there.
is there anything wikipedia doesn't have an entry for? and why does it all have the same voice?
seriously, one day i'm gonna wikipedia myself and someone will have written something clinically that would begin like:
Steven Tornello
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Steven Tornello (born in 1974 in Staten Island, New York) is an American advertising copywriter and short film director who gained a degree of fame amongst his friends and closest relatives for his brand of sarcastic humor juxtaposed with an absudist yet smart observational mindset. Most importantly, however, he is also renown for dating starlet Scarlett Johannsen upon her 21st birthday until her conviction for stalking him months later.
that's when i'll know that i'll have made it.
seriously, i was throwing things. it shouldn't have been that hard to find.
stupidly, i didn't think about wikipedia until 37 minutes later, but i eventually went there, and sho' enuff, 'twas there.
is there anything wikipedia doesn't have an entry for? and why does it all have the same voice?
seriously, one day i'm gonna wikipedia myself and someone will have written something clinically that would begin like:
Steven Tornello
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Steven Tornello (born in 1974 in Staten Island, New York) is an American advertising copywriter and short film director who gained a degree of fame amongst his friends and closest relatives for his brand of sarcastic humor juxtaposed with an absudist yet smart observational mindset. Most importantly, however, he is also renown for dating starlet Scarlett Johannsen upon her 21st birthday until her conviction for stalking him months later.
that's when i'll know that i'll have made it.
how to make predictions
seriously, i wrote this about the super bowl. scroll down and check it out:
prediction #1: there will be a very bad pass interference call that will eventually lead to a touchdown.
and prediction #2: another touchdown will be called back due to a phantom holding call.
those two are indisputable.
this following prediction is 50/50: a play will not be overturned on instant replay, even though there's enough conclusive visual evidence to do so.
so, prediction #1 didn't come true unless you're a whiny seahawks fan who thought that the pass interference call on darrell jackson in the end zone was unfair (and that would really be pushing it - no pun intended).
but on #2, the holding call on sean locklear when clark haggans caught a touchdown was definitely a terrible call. absolutely.
and the 50/50 prediction came true on ben roethlisberger's disputed touchdown fall that didn't appear to cross the plane, even though i still think it was too close to overturn. the crime in that, however, was that the line judge changed his call to touchdown.
it's just a shame that in a league blessed with parity and unpredictablility, the one thing you can rely on week in and week out is referee incompetence.
they gotta get that righted.
prediction #1: there will be a very bad pass interference call that will eventually lead to a touchdown.
and prediction #2: another touchdown will be called back due to a phantom holding call.
those two are indisputable.
this following prediction is 50/50: a play will not be overturned on instant replay, even though there's enough conclusive visual evidence to do so.
so, prediction #1 didn't come true unless you're a whiny seahawks fan who thought that the pass interference call on darrell jackson in the end zone was unfair (and that would really be pushing it - no pun intended).
but on #2, the holding call on sean locklear when clark haggans caught a touchdown was definitely a terrible call. absolutely.
and the 50/50 prediction came true on ben roethlisberger's disputed touchdown fall that didn't appear to cross the plane, even though i still think it was too close to overturn. the crime in that, however, was that the line judge changed his call to touchdown.
it's just a shame that in a league blessed with parity and unpredictablility, the one thing you can rely on week in and week out is referee incompetence.
they gotta get that righted.
how to have fun with prefixes
a person who rides a horse is an equestrian.
a person who walks around outside is a pedestrian.
and a person who wildly drives an SUV with their cellphone attached to their ear is an asshole.
just wanted to clear that up.
a person who walks around outside is a pedestrian.
and a person who wildly drives an SUV with their cellphone attached to their ear is an asshole.
just wanted to clear that up.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
how everyone's gonna ask me
so i might as well answer it here.
as usual, the commercials sucked during the super bowl.
but, as for the ones i did like (or rather, didn't make me think what a waste of money that was):
- the ESPN mobile ad with the guy walking down the block checking his phone as a non-stop world of sports and athletes (like johan santana, jim edmonds, stephon marbury and baron davis, among others) happens around him. it's not the biggest idea in the world, but it's incredibly done. in fact, the production makes the idea seem bigger. and "a summer song" by chad and jeremy was the perfect choice for the music.
- my buddy will's emerald nuts ad, because it weirded me out. well done, will, well done.
- the anheuser-busch ad with the guys on the roof. funny idea. i don't really love the busch humor - it's too obvious and simple - but this made me laugh aloud. they spent enough to get me to appreciate it once.
- the ameriquest ad, where the doctors zap the fly as the mother and daughter think their father/son had died. that was difficult to type but easy to laugh at.
- the fed ex ad where the caveman tries to send something by pterodactyl. i especially like the part where he kicks the baby dragon or whatever and then gets stomped on by a dinosaur. but then again, i like that type of humor.
and that's it.
of course, judging by the espn poll, i'm completely off with the rest of the country.
then again, the rest of the country thinks "my big fat greek wedding" is high art.
as usual, the commercials sucked during the super bowl.
but, as for the ones i did like (or rather, didn't make me think what a waste of money that was):
- the ESPN mobile ad with the guy walking down the block checking his phone as a non-stop world of sports and athletes (like johan santana, jim edmonds, stephon marbury and baron davis, among others) happens around him. it's not the biggest idea in the world, but it's incredibly done. in fact, the production makes the idea seem bigger. and "a summer song" by chad and jeremy was the perfect choice for the music.
- my buddy will's emerald nuts ad, because it weirded me out. well done, will, well done.
- the anheuser-busch ad with the guys on the roof. funny idea. i don't really love the busch humor - it's too obvious and simple - but this made me laugh aloud. they spent enough to get me to appreciate it once.
- the ameriquest ad, where the doctors zap the fly as the mother and daughter think their father/son had died. that was difficult to type but easy to laugh at.
- the fed ex ad where the caveman tries to send something by pterodactyl. i especially like the part where he kicks the baby dragon or whatever and then gets stomped on by a dinosaur. but then again, i like that type of humor.
and that's it.
of course, judging by the espn poll, i'm completely off with the rest of the country.
then again, the rest of the country thinks "my big fat greek wedding" is high art.
how i'm sure it will be of good quality
i saw this flyer on the bus shelter while waiting for the 43-marina:
for the record, she doesn't know how to spell what she's selling (jewelry) or who she's selling to (gentlemen) or where's she's selling it (broderick).
legit.
for the record, she doesn't know how to spell what she's selling (jewelry) or who she's selling to (gentlemen) or where's she's selling it (broderick).
legit.
how you don't need to die to die
after being struck with that stroke of flyer genius, the 43-marina finally arrived.
i sat down.
i opened my bag and took out my book.
and then, i inhaled.
there are many smells found on buses and like most people, i like to figure out exactly what it smells like. for example, whenever i take the 1-california, the aroma that hits my nose is usually something like the worst tasting soup you'll ever have. usually the smells on the 22-fillmore are a mixture of malt liquor and vomit.
good times.
but the smell on this 43-marina was easily the most pungent and disgusting i have ever smelled in my life. easily. it was nauseating - even after everyone opened every single window.
to put it simply, it smelled like we were delivering a busload of the nastiest dogshit in the world.
i had been hanging out with two dogs, so i smelled my clothes. there weren't any incriminating stains left unwanted. i checked under my sneakers. nothing. i looked around, and there she was - the saddest homeless woman i ever saw, wrapped in tattered clothes and clutching a paper bag.
i have never smelled anyone that smelled as bad as her. she was inhuman.
i wrote and directed a short film that involved a man who dies on a subway train. i don't know how long it takes for a human body to smell like death, and the bus route just started. she couldn't, could she?
i turned and looked, and she was awake and alive.
yes, she smelled so bad that i had to check.
but then i thought about it. okay, she's not dead, but for her to smell that bad, for her to have given up on her life so completely, isn't that dying? i mean, she was breathing, but for what?
that is sadness.
i couldn't wait to get off the bus, not only just to get away from the smell but also from those thoughts.
i used to think that so many of the homeless just didn't want to put the effort out that the rest of us did. but there's something really demented about the complete lack of ability to care for oneself in even the most basic of terms. that's not an economic problem. that's a social problem.
anyways, just getting all that off my chest - unlike that scent, of which a hint is now on my clothes.
i sat down.
i opened my bag and took out my book.
and then, i inhaled.
there are many smells found on buses and like most people, i like to figure out exactly what it smells like. for example, whenever i take the 1-california, the aroma that hits my nose is usually something like the worst tasting soup you'll ever have. usually the smells on the 22-fillmore are a mixture of malt liquor and vomit.
good times.
but the smell on this 43-marina was easily the most pungent and disgusting i have ever smelled in my life. easily. it was nauseating - even after everyone opened every single window.
to put it simply, it smelled like we were delivering a busload of the nastiest dogshit in the world.
i had been hanging out with two dogs, so i smelled my clothes. there weren't any incriminating stains left unwanted. i checked under my sneakers. nothing. i looked around, and there she was - the saddest homeless woman i ever saw, wrapped in tattered clothes and clutching a paper bag.
i have never smelled anyone that smelled as bad as her. she was inhuman.
i wrote and directed a short film that involved a man who dies on a subway train. i don't know how long it takes for a human body to smell like death, and the bus route just started. she couldn't, could she?
i turned and looked, and she was awake and alive.
yes, she smelled so bad that i had to check.
but then i thought about it. okay, she's not dead, but for her to smell that bad, for her to have given up on her life so completely, isn't that dying? i mean, she was breathing, but for what?
that is sadness.
i couldn't wait to get off the bus, not only just to get away from the smell but also from those thoughts.
i used to think that so many of the homeless just didn't want to put the effort out that the rest of us did. but there's something really demented about the complete lack of ability to care for oneself in even the most basic of terms. that's not an economic problem. that's a social problem.
anyways, just getting all that off my chest - unlike that scent, of which a hint is now on my clothes.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
how apartment hunting is like a hot summer night
i checked out a bunch of apartments on saturday, the last one in russian hill.
there was a group of us waiting outside, and we followed along inside as the rental agent opened the door and walked everyone up the steps. none of us knew each other and as we moved up the steps, we kinda jockeyed for position, moving slow and fast, determined and confused, up a step and suddenly stopping and then going again, too many of us for a small staircase. it was strange, but it brought me back to my front porch as a kid when i just eyed fireflies in the air in front of me - moving in small darts, up and down and left and right.
we potential renters, we were all fireflies.
and then we entered the apartment which could not have been smaller. i'm talking small living room, smaller bedroom, barely workable kitchen and a midget toilet/shower. everyone walking around, looking for something but finding nothing, in a circle, getting to know the space we're trapped in while trying not to bump into each other.
you know, like fireflies in a jar.
when the rental agent asked if anyone were interested, half of us opened the door and left.
like if that jar were suddenly opened.
i don't know what to make of it.
there was a group of us waiting outside, and we followed along inside as the rental agent opened the door and walked everyone up the steps. none of us knew each other and as we moved up the steps, we kinda jockeyed for position, moving slow and fast, determined and confused, up a step and suddenly stopping and then going again, too many of us for a small staircase. it was strange, but it brought me back to my front porch as a kid when i just eyed fireflies in the air in front of me - moving in small darts, up and down and left and right.
we potential renters, we were all fireflies.
and then we entered the apartment which could not have been smaller. i'm talking small living room, smaller bedroom, barely workable kitchen and a midget toilet/shower. everyone walking around, looking for something but finding nothing, in a circle, getting to know the space we're trapped in while trying not to bump into each other.
you know, like fireflies in a jar.
when the rental agent asked if anyone were interested, half of us opened the door and left.
like if that jar were suddenly opened.
i don't know what to make of it.
Friday, February 03, 2006
how i'll use this for a reaosn
i am very drunk right now.
in fact, i am very surprised i spelt that cottrectly.
in fact, i am very surprised i spelt that cottrectly.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
how to make super bowl predictions
i have received thousands upon thousands of e-mails from my very loyal letters asking me to reveal my predictions for the big game on sunday. and, after countless hours of research, i've come to a conclusion.
take it to the bank or to your local bookie. these are confirmed. these are can't miss locks.
okay, get your pen and paper out, because it's time for STEVE'S CAN'T MISS LOCK 100% CORRECT SUPER BOWL PREDICTIONS OF TRUTH!
drumroll please...
prediction #1: there will be a very bad pass interference call that will eventually lead to a touchdown.
and prediction #2: another touchdown will be called back due to a phantom holding call.
those two are indisputable.
this following prediction is 50/50: a play will not be overturned on instant replay, even though there's enough conclusive visual evidence to do so.
i know most of you are in shock over these predictions, but unlike most prognosticators, i will reveal my data.
like many others, i have had teams of highly-paid researchers working around the clock on this, and the numbers prove that in the 2005 season, the officials suck male sexual organs.
also, the over/under is 17 on the amount of mentions that jerome bettis is playing in his hometown.
there you have it.
oh yeah, the steelers win 27-23, but i wouldn't put any money on that.
and, most importantly, the best commercial will be my buddy will's "emerald nuts" spot. i've been told that it's completely insane. sweet.
take it to the bank or to your local bookie. these are confirmed. these are can't miss locks.
okay, get your pen and paper out, because it's time for STEVE'S CAN'T MISS LOCK 100% CORRECT SUPER BOWL PREDICTIONS OF TRUTH!
drumroll please...
prediction #1: there will be a very bad pass interference call that will eventually lead to a touchdown.
and prediction #2: another touchdown will be called back due to a phantom holding call.
those two are indisputable.
this following prediction is 50/50: a play will not be overturned on instant replay, even though there's enough conclusive visual evidence to do so.
i know most of you are in shock over these predictions, but unlike most prognosticators, i will reveal my data.
like many others, i have had teams of highly-paid researchers working around the clock on this, and the numbers prove that in the 2005 season, the officials suck male sexual organs.
also, the over/under is 17 on the amount of mentions that jerome bettis is playing in his hometown.
there you have it.
oh yeah, the steelers win 27-23, but i wouldn't put any money on that.
and, most importantly, the best commercial will be my buddy will's "emerald nuts" spot. i've been told that it's completely insane. sweet.
how idiots are our nation's greatest natural resource
here's a heartwarming story from my hometown paper about a group of friends who decided to have a fundraiser for their deceased comrade who died in a drunk-driving accident.
on first glance, that's sweet and endearing.
then again, they raised money by renting out a bar and passing out flyers with advertised drink specials over her image.
yep, for all those keeping score: they thought the best way to honor the memory of a loved one who perished from a drunk-driving accident is to get hammered in a bar and to put her image on a flyer with the words "$2 soco lime shots till 12".
keep it classy, staten island.
on first glance, that's sweet and endearing.
then again, they raised money by renting out a bar and passing out flyers with advertised drink specials over her image.
yep, for all those keeping score: they thought the best way to honor the memory of a loved one who perished from a drunk-driving accident is to get hammered in a bar and to put her image on a flyer with the words "$2 soco lime shots till 12".
keep it classy, staten island.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
how some people need to get out more
world wrestling entertainment head honcho vince mcmahon has been accused of groping a booth attendant at a tanning salon in boca raton.
supposedly, he also showed naked photos of himself on his cellphone to her.
there's a bunch of disturbing things about this alleged incident - the photos, the groping, the age difference, the creepy photo of the columnist at the top of the page - and right now it's all "he says, she says", but one question for me stands out high above all:
he lives in boca raton, and he has to go to a tanning salon?
supposedly, he also showed naked photos of himself on his cellphone to her.
there's a bunch of disturbing things about this alleged incident - the photos, the groping, the age difference, the creepy photo of the columnist at the top of the page - and right now it's all "he says, she says", but one question for me stands out high above all:
he lives in boca raton, and he has to go to a tanning salon?
how it's too close to call
i saw a homeless man reading "the onion" today.
taking into consideration that a healthy percentage of the homeless do not walk with the same gods as the rest of us, is it fair to assume that he took the articles seriously? and afterwards, did he ask his friends if they heard any news whether "Nation's Snowmen March Against Global Warming" was a success? and how did they respond?
i kinda hope that happened. after all, i write comedy.
but i still gotta admit, it's too close to call.
thoughts?
taking into consideration that a healthy percentage of the homeless do not walk with the same gods as the rest of us, is it fair to assume that he took the articles seriously? and afterwards, did he ask his friends if they heard any news whether "Nation's Snowmen March Against Global Warming" was a success? and how did they respond?
i kinda hope that happened. after all, i write comedy.
but i still gotta admit, it's too close to call.
thoughts?
how you can't expect children to be respectful when adults are not
it's one thing for kobe bryant to score 81 points in an nba game. i mean, his team was behind by 14 at halftime, and he scored 55 in the second half when his team needed all of them. you might call him a chucker, and he usually is, but not on that night. he had to take over to win. it was the right thing to do.
it's another for a high school girl to score 113 points in a 137-32 blowout.
but how can you blame her when she's left in the game?
her coach, ed grezinsky, actually said this: "We didn't start off like that to set a record], but she had 58 at halftime. At that point, I said, 'Just let her go.'"
so...since they couldn't stop her, we decided to embarrass them.
they won the game by 105 points. even if their opponent scored all their points in the first half, she still outscored them 58-32, which is a blowout.
then she scored 57 after the half.
again, they won by 105 points.
how is this supposed to be an impressive achievement again? she shot 54-60 from the field. so she basically scored 113 points against an opponent who had no business being on the same court with her, and she got it not in any pressure situations but in a glorified layup line.
basically, she scored 113 points in what seems to be an empty gym.
newsflash! any one of us can do that.
so instead of showing some class and sportsmanship, instead of being a positive role model by showing that in order to gain respect you have to give it, instead of thinking about the awful damage that can be done on their completely overwhelmed opponent, her coach decides to embarrass them further so one of his players gain some inconsequential personal glory.
what's the lesson learned here? if you're gonna beat your opponent badly, make sure you get yours.
at least her coach's name is getting some exposure to people like me. i mean, i didn't start off like that to call him an asshole, but he proved to be an asshole. at that point, i said, "just let it flow".
so coach ed grezinsky, you wanted some notoriety, you got it.
you're an asshole.
it's another for a high school girl to score 113 points in a 137-32 blowout.
but how can you blame her when she's left in the game?
her coach, ed grezinsky, actually said this: "We didn't start off like that to set a record], but she had 58 at halftime. At that point, I said, 'Just let her go.'"
so...since they couldn't stop her, we decided to embarrass them.
they won the game by 105 points. even if their opponent scored all their points in the first half, she still outscored them 58-32, which is a blowout.
then she scored 57 after the half.
again, they won by 105 points.
how is this supposed to be an impressive achievement again? she shot 54-60 from the field. so she basically scored 113 points against an opponent who had no business being on the same court with her, and she got it not in any pressure situations but in a glorified layup line.
basically, she scored 113 points in what seems to be an empty gym.
newsflash! any one of us can do that.
so instead of showing some class and sportsmanship, instead of being a positive role model by showing that in order to gain respect you have to give it, instead of thinking about the awful damage that can be done on their completely overwhelmed opponent, her coach decides to embarrass them further so one of his players gain some inconsequential personal glory.
what's the lesson learned here? if you're gonna beat your opponent badly, make sure you get yours.
at least her coach's name is getting some exposure to people like me. i mean, i didn't start off like that to call him an asshole, but he proved to be an asshole. at that point, i said, "just let it flow".
so coach ed grezinsky, you wanted some notoriety, you got it.
you're an asshole.
how the olsen twins can relate to this
if bob saget, john stamos and dave coulier raised you, how do you think you would end up?
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
how you really can't tell the difference until you hear the words "monkey vagina"
here's the audio clip of the fake arnold schwarzenegger arguing about gay marriage and internment camps with guest announcer george takei on the howard stern show.
it's fantastic. "fake arnold" is spot-on perfect, and you can't really blame george takei. that is, until arnold says "monkey vagina" and "reacharound". you would think, like the rest of us, he would catch on, but then again, most of us weren't on the u.s.s. enterprise for our entire careers.
poor sulu. in his own words, he was "bamboozled".
it's fantastic. "fake arnold" is spot-on perfect, and you can't really blame george takei. that is, until arnold says "monkey vagina" and "reacharound". you would think, like the rest of us, he would catch on, but then again, most of us weren't on the u.s.s. enterprise for our entire careers.
poor sulu. in his own words, he was "bamboozled".
how to pass the time in the jfk jet blue terminal while operating on very little sleep
by posting on my blog, of course.
item 1: a very stupid woman in front of me on the metal detector line woke up this morning and thought it would be a great idea to wear as much jewelry as humanly possible. seriously, you're going to a friggin' airport. do you think they're gonna give you a pass through security? "oh, well, she's wearing tons of jewelry. surely, she's not armed." being in new york and still being a new yorker, i just stared at her with this look that basically said, "are you friggin' kidding me, lady?" even mr. t would tone it down if he had enough money to fly.
item 2: i've given up on the knicks this year. but let the record show that they gave up first. so enough about them and onto a team worth my effort - mainly because they actually give some. even after last night's heartbreaker against the flyers, i can't believe how great the rangers look this year. this hendrik lundquist is just fantastic for a rookie goaltender. scratch that - for any goaltender. i can't believe i'm actually gonna have a rooting interest in this year's playoffs. fancy that.
item 3: if anyone believed the armageddon was going to happen after david hasselhoff covered steeler's wheel, then buckle up.
item 4: just seconds before the oscar nominations are announced, so here's mine for best picture: "brokeback mountain", "crash", "capote", "munich" and "good night and good luck". and, for the record, my choice is "good night and good luck".
item 5: it's still real to him, dammit. the crying wrestling fan defends himself and the world offers him its shoulder.
item 6: i need to catch my plane. hopefully i'm not sitting next to jewelryoverloadwoman. see you on the flip side.
item 1: a very stupid woman in front of me on the metal detector line woke up this morning and thought it would be a great idea to wear as much jewelry as humanly possible. seriously, you're going to a friggin' airport. do you think they're gonna give you a pass through security? "oh, well, she's wearing tons of jewelry. surely, she's not armed." being in new york and still being a new yorker, i just stared at her with this look that basically said, "are you friggin' kidding me, lady?" even mr. t would tone it down if he had enough money to fly.
item 2: i've given up on the knicks this year. but let the record show that they gave up first. so enough about them and onto a team worth my effort - mainly because they actually give some. even after last night's heartbreaker against the flyers, i can't believe how great the rangers look this year. this hendrik lundquist is just fantastic for a rookie goaltender. scratch that - for any goaltender. i can't believe i'm actually gonna have a rooting interest in this year's playoffs. fancy that.
item 3: if anyone believed the armageddon was going to happen after david hasselhoff covered steeler's wheel, then buckle up.
item 4: just seconds before the oscar nominations are announced, so here's mine for best picture: "brokeback mountain", "crash", "capote", "munich" and "good night and good luck". and, for the record, my choice is "good night and good luck".
item 5: it's still real to him, dammit. the crying wrestling fan defends himself and the world offers him its shoulder.
item 6: i need to catch my plane. hopefully i'm not sitting next to jewelryoverloadwoman. see you on the flip side.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
how letterman is making a comeback, but he still trails
david letterman hasn't really been funny in awhile, but this clip of him with bill o'reilly is the funniest (and scathing) thing he's said in years. hopefully he'll become angry again. npbpdy beats dave when he's surly.
but he's still way behind stephen colbert and conan o'brien, though.
but he's still way behind stephen colbert and conan o'brien, though.
how this is real to me
this video from a wrestling talk show has been flying around the internet, and it is completely fantastic in its patheticness.
god bless this man. and let happiness dry his tears.
god bless this man. and let happiness dry his tears.
how to make you laugh a little differently
i'm working with this female comedian on my freelance gig, and she's very smart, human and funny.
and, for all my new york reader, she's bringing her one woman show to new york. to see her comedy and to learn more about heather gold, check out her website.
here's the details:
Heather Gold's hit interactive baking comedy "I Look Like An Egg, but I Identify As A Cookie" comes to NY
2 nights only
Feb 21st+22nd
Ars Nova
511 West 54th (west of 10th)
tix $15: www.smarttix.com 1.212.868.4444
here's the direct link for tickets.
tix also available at the theatre a half hour before the show
But these shows are likely to sell out, so I'd recommend purchasing in advance.
Comedian Heather Gold mixes sexuality, the Left, and other tasty 1980s tunes as she bakes for her audience in I LOOK LIKE AN EGG BUT I IDENTIFY AS A COOKIE. In this hilarious and touching hit show, Gold addresses life's hardest questions with baking's simple truths, and in the end, everyone gets cookies.
Gold baked over 19,000 cookies with San Francisco audiences where the show ran over a year and won Best of the Bay from the Oakland tribune and Curve magazine's National Theatre Award.
Ars Nova was featured recently in the New York Times as one of the hot new Off-Broadway venues and has developed and presented great performers like Julia Sweeney, Sarah Silverman, Sandra Bernhard and Seth Rudetsky. Producer Jenny Wiener is also the brains and kishkas behind Jewcy which has been tummeling hipster NY.
email pr at subvert dot com for a press kit. Call Candi Adams at (917) 776-1170 for press comps.
More info and video trailer at www.subvert.com/cookie
and, for all my new york reader, she's bringing her one woman show to new york. to see her comedy and to learn more about heather gold, check out her website.
here's the details:
Heather Gold's hit interactive baking comedy "I Look Like An Egg, but I Identify As A Cookie" comes to NY
2 nights only
Feb 21st+22nd
Ars Nova
511 West 54th (west of 10th)
tix $15: www.smarttix.com 1.212.868.4444
here's the direct link for tickets.
tix also available at the theatre a half hour before the show
But these shows are likely to sell out, so I'd recommend purchasing in advance.
Comedian Heather Gold mixes sexuality, the Left, and other tasty 1980s tunes as she bakes for her audience in I LOOK LIKE AN EGG BUT I IDENTIFY AS A COOKIE. In this hilarious and touching hit show, Gold addresses life's hardest questions with baking's simple truths, and in the end, everyone gets cookies.
Gold baked over 19,000 cookies with San Francisco audiences where the show ran over a year and won Best of the Bay from the Oakland tribune and Curve magazine's National Theatre Award.
Ars Nova was featured recently in the New York Times as one of the hot new Off-Broadway venues and has developed and presented great performers like Julia Sweeney, Sarah Silverman, Sandra Bernhard and Seth Rudetsky. Producer Jenny Wiener is also the brains and kishkas behind Jewcy which has been tummeling hipster NY.
email pr at subvert dot com for a press kit. Call Candi Adams at (917) 776-1170 for press comps.
More info and video trailer at www.subvert.com/cookie
how this was always on my mind
i was able to buy this limited edition (only 200) hatch show print for the willie nelson concert last night at the fillmore.
he put on a great show. began with "whiskey river take my mind" and ended on that too. in between he sang every great song he wrote for him or for someone else, and a couple of waylon, hank and kris covers on top of that. no opening act, no encore, no bullshit. just willie and his band.
if you ever get a chance to see him, i couldn't endorse him any more.
he put on a great show. began with "whiskey river take my mind" and ended on that too. in between he sang every great song he wrote for him or for someone else, and a couple of waylon, hank and kris covers on top of that. no opening act, no encore, no bullshit. just willie and his band.
if you ever get a chance to see him, i couldn't endorse him any more.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
how i wish i knew how to quit me
i'll come out of the closet and say it: "brokeback mountain" is a very good movie.
but, i'll out myself and say that i really don't think it's the best movie i saw this year.
i know that might be hard to swallow.
hey, i'm not gonna keep secrets. it's a ballsy movie to make. but if the lead actors were will mccormack and jm j. bullock, i don't think it would have been as much of an achievement (and a crappier movie).
then again, bad actors like that would have pulled something out of their asses.
i don't think i can keep these gay innuendos going, so i'll come out and just say it: the movie could have been better. but it'll sweep the oscars, not as much for the actual movie but for the ballsiness of it.
still, it's a very very good movie.
how all the answers are here
if you've ever wondered what jimmie "j.j." walker thinks about such hot topics like bill cosby, reparations and mikhail gorbachev, then check out his website, complete with dyn-o-mite sticks.
this is not a fake.
this is not a fake.
how to capitalize on absolute brilliance
as of right now, bidding on the liquid form of kobe bryant's 81 points is up to over $2,000.
this is quite possibly the most clever thing ever posted on ebay.
update: it was pulled by ebay. basically, it said that if you ever wondered where nba points went beyond the scoreboard and box score, well, it forms into a liquid base in this guy's basement. and he bottled kobe's 81 points of liquid into a jar along with a smaller jar filled with his teammates' 41 points. really great stuff. too bad it got pulled. must have been the $400,000 that the bidding got up to.
this is quite possibly the most clever thing ever posted on ebay.
update: it was pulled by ebay. basically, it said that if you ever wondered where nba points went beyond the scoreboard and box score, well, it forms into a liquid base in this guy's basement. and he bottled kobe's 81 points of liquid into a jar along with a smaller jar filled with his teammates' 41 points. really great stuff. too bad it got pulled. must have been the $400,000 that the bidding got up to.
Monday, January 23, 2006
how to make me laugh
"mayor ray nagin has promised to make new orleans a chocolate city again. and when it does, we'll at least know who the delicious nut in the middle is."
- tina fey, saturday night live "weekend update"
- tina fey, saturday night live "weekend update"
Sunday, January 22, 2006
how we can summarize the next two weeks in this posting
guaranteed, these are the quotes you'll be hearing from the steelers and the seahawks in the next two weeks leading up to super bowl xl.
"nobody expected us to be here."
"we've been underestimated all year."
"they're a good football team, no doubt".
"the pressure's off. this is the fun part."
they'll each be said by numerous players, believe me.
and someone will spout off at some point, giving the other team some material for the locker room. it's completely unpredictable what's going to be said, but as for whom, my money's on joey porter.
"nobody expected us to be here."
"we've been underestimated all year."
"they're a good football team, no doubt".
"the pressure's off. this is the fun part."
they'll each be said by numerous players, believe me.
and someone will spout off at some point, giving the other team some material for the locker room. it's completely unpredictable what's going to be said, but as for whom, my money's on joey porter.
how i would give anything to know what that must feel like
kobe bryant just scored 81 points against the raptors.
yep. 81 points. in one game.
to really wrap your head around it, that's averaging 20 points each quarter.
let's break it down: in 42 minutes, he shot 28 for 46 from the field, 7-13 from downtown and 18-20 from the line. so that's 46 shots in 42 minutes. yep, that's basically shooting every time down the court. but he also had 20 free throws, so figure that there were around 56 attempts.
here's something even more impressive: they were behind most of the night, and they needed every shot from him just to stay in it. after halftime, he scored 55 points. that's completely insane. but it's good solid basketball to keep on feeding the hot hand. and he surely was hot.
still, 46 shots is an impressive amount of shots to take.
i mean, iverson shoots a lot, and he rarely tops 35. and even that seems like a ton. seriously, even when kobe shoots a lot, when he's chucking it up off one leg fadaway each time down the court (you know, like in every game), you still look at the boxscore and he still had only shot 33 times or so.
here's some more context: the most reggie miller ever shot in a game was 29 times.
at some point, kobe's arm has to fall off, but there's nothing to complain about on this night, though. he had to. he's great.
i guess what i'm trying to get across is that it's amazing that he scored 81.
but it's almost as amazing that he was able to shoot 46 times in a game. that's a ton of shots. that's basically like being alone in a gym.
but the most amazing thing that happened, BAR NONE, is that the raptors didn't tackle him each time down the court or, god forbid, double-teamed him.
by the way, in the ten games he's played in 2006, he's scored 81, 37, 51, 37, 38, 27, 41, 45, 50 and 48. to save you the effort of calculating, that's an average of 45.5 points a game, and he's doing it while shooting 48% from the field.
that's completely superhuman.
yep, kobe's got a future in this game. he's gonna be famous.
yep. 81 points. in one game.
to really wrap your head around it, that's averaging 20 points each quarter.
let's break it down: in 42 minutes, he shot 28 for 46 from the field, 7-13 from downtown and 18-20 from the line. so that's 46 shots in 42 minutes. yep, that's basically shooting every time down the court. but he also had 20 free throws, so figure that there were around 56 attempts.
here's something even more impressive: they were behind most of the night, and they needed every shot from him just to stay in it. after halftime, he scored 55 points. that's completely insane. but it's good solid basketball to keep on feeding the hot hand. and he surely was hot.
still, 46 shots is an impressive amount of shots to take.
i mean, iverson shoots a lot, and he rarely tops 35. and even that seems like a ton. seriously, even when kobe shoots a lot, when he's chucking it up off one leg fadaway each time down the court (you know, like in every game), you still look at the boxscore and he still had only shot 33 times or so.
here's some more context: the most reggie miller ever shot in a game was 29 times.
at some point, kobe's arm has to fall off, but there's nothing to complain about on this night, though. he had to. he's great.
i guess what i'm trying to get across is that it's amazing that he scored 81.
but it's almost as amazing that he was able to shoot 46 times in a game. that's a ton of shots. that's basically like being alone in a gym.
but the most amazing thing that happened, BAR NONE, is that the raptors didn't tackle him each time down the court or, god forbid, double-teamed him.
by the way, in the ten games he's played in 2006, he's scored 81, 37, 51, 37, 38, 27, 41, 45, 50 and 48. to save you the effort of calculating, that's an average of 45.5 points a game, and he's doing it while shooting 48% from the field.
that's completely superhuman.
yep, kobe's got a future in this game. he's gonna be famous.
how they'll be no mistaken
michael schiavo, the husband of terri schiavo, has married his longtime girlfriend after a long (and understandable) courtship.
the most interesting part was the wedding vows:
PRIEST: "jodi, do you promise to love michael, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?"
JODI: "i do."
MICHAEL: "did everyone hear that?"
you see, i'm already burning in hell, so i might as well pile it on.
the most interesting part was the wedding vows:
PRIEST: "jodi, do you promise to love michael, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?"
JODI: "i do."
MICHAEL: "did everyone hear that?"
you see, i'm already burning in hell, so i might as well pile it on.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
how to make your homes look nicer
my buddy jay has a website selling his photography. he's got some really great prints and, even if you're not up for buying anything, it's still worth a look and a stroll.
help a brother out. he's a great guy and an old friend.
help a brother out. he's a great guy and an old friend.
how i hope this isn't a tease
i just read this on miamiherald.com:
Liguori said that ''it is highly unlikely'' that the comedy Arrested Development will return to the network after the final four episodes of the season air in February.
''It is regrettable that we could not find the audience that that show deserved,'' Liguori said, noting that the network kept the dysfunctional-family sitcom -- a favorite with critics but a pariah for audiences -- around for three seasons of abominable ratings before pulling the plug.
Two other networks are negotiating to pick up Arrested Development. ABC is mulling over a single-season deal for 13 episodes, while the premium-cable channel Showtime is talking about a two-year commitment. Liguori said there has been some discussion of moving the show to Fox's cable cousin FX, but it's too expensive to be profitable there.
firstly, i am ecstatic that there are four more episodes. with the brilliance of the last episode, i thought they were done for good and in a most fitting fashion. but there's more bluths for us. sweet.
and, even more importantly, i couldn't be any more ecstatic that they've got two offers on the table, even though ABC kinda scares me. they really don't seem to be like a network that understands high-concept humor (or humor, for that matter). i mean, it could be worse, like CBS. still, sweet.
saveourbluths.com must be working.
Liguori said that ''it is highly unlikely'' that the comedy Arrested Development will return to the network after the final four episodes of the season air in February.
''It is regrettable that we could not find the audience that that show deserved,'' Liguori said, noting that the network kept the dysfunctional-family sitcom -- a favorite with critics but a pariah for audiences -- around for three seasons of abominable ratings before pulling the plug.
Two other networks are negotiating to pick up Arrested Development. ABC is mulling over a single-season deal for 13 episodes, while the premium-cable channel Showtime is talking about a two-year commitment. Liguori said there has been some discussion of moving the show to Fox's cable cousin FX, but it's too expensive to be profitable there.
firstly, i am ecstatic that there are four more episodes. with the brilliance of the last episode, i thought they were done for good and in a most fitting fashion. but there's more bluths for us. sweet.
and, even more importantly, i couldn't be any more ecstatic that they've got two offers on the table, even though ABC kinda scares me. they really don't seem to be like a network that understands high-concept humor (or humor, for that matter). i mean, it could be worse, like CBS. still, sweet.
saveourbluths.com must be working.
how you should never underestimate the bargain bin
found and purchased at the "4 vinyl records for $10" pile at open mind music on divisadero:
"ghost in the machine" by the police
"the stranger" by billy joel
"business at usual" by men at work
"beck-ola" by jeff beck
"dylan" by bob dylan
"santana's greatest hits"
in total? $15.
i got to say, though, "the stranger" isn't sounding so well, but whatever. it's hard to complain when it's just the price of a bagel with cream cheese.
"ghost in the machine" by the police
"the stranger" by billy joel
"business at usual" by men at work
"beck-ola" by jeff beck
"dylan" by bob dylan
"santana's greatest hits"
in total? $15.
i got to say, though, "the stranger" isn't sounding so well, but whatever. it's hard to complain when it's just the price of a bagel with cream cheese.
how you see and hear strange things
while walking to the store this morning, i walked past a bum on the corner who said to his friend, and i quote, "you see, i think terrorism is a bad thing."
good to know.
later, i'm taking the 71-haight bus back home, and i find myself sitting across from an old man, in his seventies, sporting a hearing aid. none of that is odd.
the fact that he had his mouth dropped open while reading a playboy in full view for everyone to see was, well, there are no words.
that was my saturday.
good to know.
later, i'm taking the 71-haight bus back home, and i find myself sitting across from an old man, in his seventies, sporting a hearing aid. none of that is odd.
the fact that he had his mouth dropped open while reading a playboy in full view for everyone to see was, well, there are no words.
that was my saturday.
how you need a statement to make a statement
the one thing that bothers me about espn college basketball analyst digger phelps' fashion statement of matching the color of his highlighter to his tie is not that he's matching his highlighter to his tie.
it's that what the hell is he using a highlighter for? he's a basketball analyst, not a biology student. what could he be possibly highlighting? he's reading off a teleprompter, ain't he?
makes no sense.
it's that what the hell is he using a highlighter for? he's a basketball analyst, not a biology student. what could he be possibly highlighting? he's reading off a teleprompter, ain't he?
makes no sense.
how you've got to be kidding me
i just watched letterman, and he had actress/hot-piece-of-ass jordana brewster on as his guest. she's appearing/starring in a movie called "annapolis" with james franco.
anyways, it's about a hot shot cadet who falls in love with his beautiful instructor.
and they showed a clip of the bar scene where he introduces himself to her.
did i mention that this is the first installment of "how you've got to be kidding me?"
honestly, if you're gonna remake "top gun", at least let it be known instead of trying to slip under the radar. she mentioned that she's his boxing instructor, but have you seen what jordana brewster looks like? and on top of that, what's the difference between a boxing instructor or engagement instructor? oooh, is it that one's in a ring, the other's in the sky? is that really enough?
sadly, i guess so.
if james franco describes how a MiG 28 does a 4g negative dive, i'm calling for reinforcements on hollywood.
by the way, did you know that kelly mcgillis is three inches taller than tom cruise? me neither. but i love shit like that.
anyways, it's about a hot shot cadet who falls in love with his beautiful instructor.
and they showed a clip of the bar scene where he introduces himself to her.
did i mention that this is the first installment of "how you've got to be kidding me?"
honestly, if you're gonna remake "top gun", at least let it be known instead of trying to slip under the radar. she mentioned that she's his boxing instructor, but have you seen what jordana brewster looks like? and on top of that, what's the difference between a boxing instructor or engagement instructor? oooh, is it that one's in a ring, the other's in the sky? is that really enough?
sadly, i guess so.
if james franco describes how a MiG 28 does a 4g negative dive, i'm calling for reinforcements on hollywood.
by the way, did you know that kelly mcgillis is three inches taller than tom cruise? me neither. but i love shit like that.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
how there's hope for the rest of us
if a snake and a hamster can make it in today's world, then there's no reason we all can't get along.
who's with me?
who's with me?
how a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do
during the knicks-bulls game last night. knicks forward antonio davis ran into the stands to protect his wife from a drunk.
said davis: ""i witnessed my wife being threatened by a man that i learned later to be intoxicated. iI saw him touch her, and i know i should not have acted the way i did, but i would have felt terrible if i didn't react. there was no time to call security. it happened too quickly."
i know that davis is the head of the player's union, and he had to say "i know i should not have acted the way i did" because he can't give any justification for going into the stands, but i don't think there's any doubt he acted completely appropriately. he did nothing wrong. in fact, he did everything he should have. he has to protect his wife and famliy.
he is not a man if he doesn't.
unfortunately, with the whole ron artest thing last year, he's probably gonna get suspended.
and if i'm antonio davis, i'd just accept it - with pride.
man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. and i don't know of anyone who should have a problem with that.
said davis: ""i witnessed my wife being threatened by a man that i learned later to be intoxicated. iI saw him touch her, and i know i should not have acted the way i did, but i would have felt terrible if i didn't react. there was no time to call security. it happened too quickly."
i know that davis is the head of the player's union, and he had to say "i know i should not have acted the way i did" because he can't give any justification for going into the stands, but i don't think there's any doubt he acted completely appropriately. he did nothing wrong. in fact, he did everything he should have. he has to protect his wife and famliy.
he is not a man if he doesn't.
unfortunately, with the whole ron artest thing last year, he's probably gonna get suspended.
and if i'm antonio davis, i'd just accept it - with pride.
man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. and i don't know of anyone who should have a problem with that.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
how i might have been wrong
i just watched the season premiere of "american idol", and i have to say that i laughed my ass off. seriously, simon is golden. just absolutely brutal and biting. without him, this show is nothing.
i don't think i'll like the actual competition, but i'll give it a shot. actually, tivo will give it a shot, and i'll follow.
just don't expect a miracle.
i don't think i'll like the actual competition, but i'll give it a shot. actually, tivo will give it a shot, and i'll follow.
just don't expect a miracle.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
how i wish i saw this live
i wish i watched the golden globes last night, if only for when dennis quaid presented "brokeback mountain".
transcription from defamer.com:
QUAID: “Our last nominated drama tells the story of two young cowboys who met in the summer if 1963 and forge an unexpected, lifelong connection that proves the endurance and power of love. It’s a controversial film. It’s…let’s just say it rhymes with ‘chick flick.’”
[SFX: CRICKETS too confused to muster much chirping.]
[SFX: Barely audible, grudging LAUGHTER.]
CUT TO: Heath Ledger REACTS with a sliver of a smile, wishing he could swallow down his shame like his Brokeback character, Ennis Del Mar.
transcription from defamer.com:
QUAID: “Our last nominated drama tells the story of two young cowboys who met in the summer if 1963 and forge an unexpected, lifelong connection that proves the endurance and power of love. It’s a controversial film. It’s…let’s just say it rhymes with ‘chick flick.’”
[SFX: CRICKETS too confused to muster much chirping.]
[SFX: Barely audible, grudging LAUGHTER.]
CUT TO: Heath Ledger REACTS with a sliver of a smile, wishing he could swallow down his shame like his Brokeback character, Ennis Del Mar.
how i can't believe jay leno just made me laugh
"texas quarterback vince young has decided to go pro, and virginia tech quarterback marcus vick has decided to go con.''
yeah, a witticism from jay leno.
who knew?
yeah, a witticism from jay leno.
who knew?
Sunday, January 15, 2006
how, even years later, i can't comprehend it
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me?
Would she go down on you in a theater?
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby?
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother...
Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity?
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face
How quickly I was replaced
And are you thinking of me when you fuck her?...
And every time I scratch my nails
Down someone else's back I hope you feel it.
of course, that's "you oughta know" by alanis morrisette. and yeah, i'm man enough to admit that i love those lyrics. there's no doubt about how she feels about the guy who did this to her.
and that makes me sad because it's ruined for me.
the reason i bring this up is because all weekend long i've been seeing promos for "skating with celebrities", one of which is "full house" star dave coulier.
he's also the reason alanis morrisette wrote that song.
yeah, that schmuck.
now the song is ruined for you, too.
Is she perverted like me?
Would she go down on you in a theater?
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby?
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother...
Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity?
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face
How quickly I was replaced
And are you thinking of me when you fuck her?...
And every time I scratch my nails
Down someone else's back I hope you feel it.
of course, that's "you oughta know" by alanis morrisette. and yeah, i'm man enough to admit that i love those lyrics. there's no doubt about how she feels about the guy who did this to her.
and that makes me sad because it's ruined for me.
the reason i bring this up is because all weekend long i've been seeing promos for "skating with celebrities", one of which is "full house" star dave coulier.
he's also the reason alanis morrisette wrote that song.
yeah, that schmuck.
now the song is ruined for you, too.
how this is really the best time to see movies
two quick movie reviews (please note that i saw these on back-to-back nights and not in a double feature):
"munich"
starring eric bana and the new james bond
directed by steven spielberg
nobody has the talent of filling up each shot with incredibly interesting visuals that speilberg has. he's truly amazing. but recently, he's made a habit of directing really great scenes in the middle of really middling stories. maybe it's the content. maybe it's just having uninspiring material in front of him. kinda makes sense that if you're gonna end a streak of bad movies, it might as well be about the assassinations of the palestinian terrorists who killed the isreali hostages during the 1972 olympics - an interesting topic well done. the performances were great - especially bana - and it's exquisitely shot and edited and professional. it did go on too long, and it went from being a movie about the assassinations to another movie about the effects of them. and that's been another of his faults - shoving too many stories to fit into a movie. but it's not as bothersome in this flick. damn worth seeing for so many reasons.
"match point"
starring jonathan rhys-meyers and the beautiful and bountiful scarlett johansson
written and directed by woody allen
i read reviews that this was the best woody allen movie in years, but that's like saying that this can of beer is better than the case of coors light i just drank. but it really is, and you can say that it's his best movie since "crimes and misdemeanors". which is ironic, considering that the two movies are cousins, maybe even first cousins. the usual woody characters and dialogue are in this film too, except portrayed by younger british actors. and it really adds something, to see and hear everything woody but not filmed in the upper west side. it does drag too long - what serious woody film doesn't? - but it's completely interesting and engaging that it's really no big deal. all the performances are damn good, but scarlett is truly fantastic. she's genuinely and abundantly talented - and that wasn't a tit joke. it's good to revel in woody's brilliance again. it's been a long time coming. anything less would have been a travesty of a mockery of a sham of two mockeries of a sham.
"munich"
starring eric bana and the new james bond
directed by steven spielberg
nobody has the talent of filling up each shot with incredibly interesting visuals that speilberg has. he's truly amazing. but recently, he's made a habit of directing really great scenes in the middle of really middling stories. maybe it's the content. maybe it's just having uninspiring material in front of him. kinda makes sense that if you're gonna end a streak of bad movies, it might as well be about the assassinations of the palestinian terrorists who killed the isreali hostages during the 1972 olympics - an interesting topic well done. the performances were great - especially bana - and it's exquisitely shot and edited and professional. it did go on too long, and it went from being a movie about the assassinations to another movie about the effects of them. and that's been another of his faults - shoving too many stories to fit into a movie. but it's not as bothersome in this flick. damn worth seeing for so many reasons.
"match point"
starring jonathan rhys-meyers and the beautiful and bountiful scarlett johansson
written and directed by woody allen
i read reviews that this was the best woody allen movie in years, but that's like saying that this can of beer is better than the case of coors light i just drank. but it really is, and you can say that it's his best movie since "crimes and misdemeanors". which is ironic, considering that the two movies are cousins, maybe even first cousins. the usual woody characters and dialogue are in this film too, except portrayed by younger british actors. and it really adds something, to see and hear everything woody but not filmed in the upper west side. it does drag too long - what serious woody film doesn't? - but it's completely interesting and engaging that it's really no big deal. all the performances are damn good, but scarlett is truly fantastic. she's genuinely and abundantly talented - and that wasn't a tit joke. it's good to revel in woody's brilliance again. it's been a long time coming. anything less would have been a travesty of a mockery of a sham of two mockeries of a sham.
how ignorance is bliss for the other people on the bus
two women were on my bus, having a conversation, each with a baby stroller and their children fast asleep. they're talking about their kids, but talking about them in the current vernacular they would use for speaking about their peers.
yes, they are calling their children, and i quote, "motherfuckers".
as in, "this motherfucker won't sleep at night" with a reply "well, my motherfucker just began teething".
so, in case you are too in shock to put it all together, these are mothers calling their children "motherfuckers". so they are basically claiming that their children fuck them.
i live in the same country and planet as they do.
pray for me. pray for us all.
yes, they are calling their children, and i quote, "motherfuckers".
as in, "this motherfucker won't sleep at night" with a reply "well, my motherfucker just began teething".
so, in case you are too in shock to put it all together, these are mothers calling their children "motherfuckers". so they are basically claiming that their children fuck them.
i live in the same country and planet as they do.
pray for me. pray for us all.
Friday, January 13, 2006
how anything can be made to look beautiful
thank you, cindy crawford, for giving all of us who do this a pretty face for our endeavors.
how this isn't chauvinsitic
i'm all for women playing in men's sports. i don't mind it at all - if they're good enough. hell, the top leagues in the world should command the best athletes, no matter their skin color, race or gender.
michelle wie is not good enough to play in the pga.
she's been getting embarrassed at the sony open in hawaii, shooting a seven over on the front nine of day one. what bothers me is that the only reason she's in the event is because she's an oddity - a sixteen-year-old female golfer. she's not the best female golfer - she hasn't won an lpga event yet. she hasn't proven a thing. she hasn't earned anything.
it's basically michael jordan being promoted to play major league baseball when he didn't do much for the AA level birmingham barons.
she's a gimmick. so if she's eligible to play, then why not a midget golfer? same thing, right?
now, if annika sorenstam were playing, then i'd say go for it, girl. and i think that's a major sporting event worth covering.
all i'm saying is enough with michelle wie. you know, at least until she wins something first.
michelle wie is not good enough to play in the pga.
she's been getting embarrassed at the sony open in hawaii, shooting a seven over on the front nine of day one. what bothers me is that the only reason she's in the event is because she's an oddity - a sixteen-year-old female golfer. she's not the best female golfer - she hasn't won an lpga event yet. she hasn't proven a thing. she hasn't earned anything.
it's basically michael jordan being promoted to play major league baseball when he didn't do much for the AA level birmingham barons.
she's a gimmick. so if she's eligible to play, then why not a midget golfer? same thing, right?
now, if annika sorenstam were playing, then i'd say go for it, girl. and i think that's a major sporting event worth covering.
all i'm saying is enough with michelle wie. you know, at least until she wins something first.
how to win the gold
espn.com has posted two articles, by chris sheridan and chad ford, forecasting their picks to represent the american national basketball team in the world championships and the olympics. as we've found out, all-star teams don't work, unless your goal is to sell jerseys and merchandise (and really, when is that never the case?) but if you're serious about fielding a team, here you go.
PG - chauncey billups
SG - richard hamilton
SF - tayshaun prince
PF - rasheed wallace
C - ben wallace
look familiar? it should. that's the starting lineup of the detroit pistons, the best basketball team i've seen in years (and also the only watchable team currently in the nba). they play like a team, and each one of them is perfectly suited for the different international style of play. chauncey runs the team. rip hits the mid-range jumpers. prince is your defensive stopper. rasheed does all the little things better than anyone in the world. and ben cleans up the boards.
wow. all the roles that you need in a basketball team have already been filled by a team that's been playing together for years - you know, exactly like our competitors.
since we need a bench, i'd take t.j. ford (change of pace) and michael redd (outside shooting) at the guards, lebron (best player in the world) , dwight howard (stud big man) and chris bosh (another stud) at the forwards, and amare stoudamire (completely unstoppable) at the pivot.
and i'd take kobe. yeah, he's a ballhog and yeah, he'd make this team all about himself. but he's an asshole, and every team needs one of them. he doesn't - and will not - lose. that's invaluable.
i'll take my chances.
PG - chauncey billups
SG - richard hamilton
SF - tayshaun prince
PF - rasheed wallace
C - ben wallace
look familiar? it should. that's the starting lineup of the detroit pistons, the best basketball team i've seen in years (and also the only watchable team currently in the nba). they play like a team, and each one of them is perfectly suited for the different international style of play. chauncey runs the team. rip hits the mid-range jumpers. prince is your defensive stopper. rasheed does all the little things better than anyone in the world. and ben cleans up the boards.
wow. all the roles that you need in a basketball team have already been filled by a team that's been playing together for years - you know, exactly like our competitors.
since we need a bench, i'd take t.j. ford (change of pace) and michael redd (outside shooting) at the guards, lebron (best player in the world) , dwight howard (stud big man) and chris bosh (another stud) at the forwards, and amare stoudamire (completely unstoppable) at the pivot.
and i'd take kobe. yeah, he's a ballhog and yeah, he'd make this team all about himself. but he's an asshole, and every team needs one of them. he doesn't - and will not - lose. that's invaluable.
i'll take my chances.
how you might have to work for this one
hillary swank and her husband, chad lowe, announced that they are getting divorced after eight years of marriage.
in related news, jimmy crack corn.
in related news, jimmy crack corn.
how to solve insomnia
by posting, of course.
speaking of, hasn't the word gotten out that talking on your cellphone on public transportation or in any shared public space is completely obnoxious? i thought it did. i thought enough people had talked about it where not doing that has essentially become law.
maybe, just to seal the deal, the new york times, the paper of record, could have a headline on the front page that says "talking on your cellphone in a shared public space leads people to conclude that you're an obnoxious self-centered asshole" for everyone to see. you wouldn't have to read the article. it would be all self-explanatory.
or maybe there could be ads on buses or trains that say "stop talking on your cell, asshole. this peace and quiet brought to you by..." whatever company that did that would win big in public goodwill.
but i don't think we don't need all that. it's pretty much assumed, right?
which leads me to believe that maybe people just don't give a shit.
yeah, that's gotta be it.
okay, back again to trying to sleep.
speaking of, hasn't the word gotten out that talking on your cellphone on public transportation or in any shared public space is completely obnoxious? i thought it did. i thought enough people had talked about it where not doing that has essentially become law.
maybe, just to seal the deal, the new york times, the paper of record, could have a headline on the front page that says "talking on your cellphone in a shared public space leads people to conclude that you're an obnoxious self-centered asshole" for everyone to see. you wouldn't have to read the article. it would be all self-explanatory.
or maybe there could be ads on buses or trains that say "stop talking on your cell, asshole. this peace and quiet brought to you by..." whatever company that did that would win big in public goodwill.
but i don't think we don't need all that. it's pretty much assumed, right?
which leads me to believe that maybe people just don't give a shit.
yeah, that's gotta be it.
okay, back again to trying to sleep.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
how i shouldn't have expected anything else
i went to a lecture/speech given by walter murch. he's an industry famous film editor, the one name that everybody would know if people knew the names of film editors. really quick: among others, he's edited "apocalypse now", "american graffitti", "the english patient", "cold mountain" and, most recently, "jarhead" and he's sound designed those films plus "the godfather, part 2" and "ghost". he's won oscars for both skills.
yeah. he's an important guy in film.
anyways, i got there at 6:20 for the 7pm speech, and wound up standing on a line that stretched so long that i entered the theater 40 minutes later. so i was able to overhear conversations amongst my nerdy brethren.
but this one got me.
when i showed up, i asked "is this the line for walter murch?" and some pony-tailed dude in front of me said, "yeah, and i haven't seen a line this long since the opening night of the lord of the rings - the first and last ones".
first and last "lord of the rings".
not just "lord of the rings".
the first and last one.
not the second one.
such a strange thing to say. the second one was just as good as the other two. and yet, this guy purposefully left that one out of his comparison. why? was the line just not that long? i don't know why that would be, considering how amazing the first film was. was he not there for opening night of the second film? why would he even alert me to that? was he making a statement? was he making his feelings about the second film known?
why did he not include the second film?
why?
twenty minutes later, i heard two people arguing whether or not the balrog from those movies was supposed to have wings or not. i know this is a big deal in the "lord of the rings" community because i worked on those video games for two years. but i never thought i'd actually hear a debate about it. but i did. special stuff.
that was my night.
yeah. he's an important guy in film.
anyways, i got there at 6:20 for the 7pm speech, and wound up standing on a line that stretched so long that i entered the theater 40 minutes later. so i was able to overhear conversations amongst my nerdy brethren.
but this one got me.
when i showed up, i asked "is this the line for walter murch?" and some pony-tailed dude in front of me said, "yeah, and i haven't seen a line this long since the opening night of the lord of the rings - the first and last ones".
first and last "lord of the rings".
not just "lord of the rings".
the first and last one.
not the second one.
such a strange thing to say. the second one was just as good as the other two. and yet, this guy purposefully left that one out of his comparison. why? was the line just not that long? i don't know why that would be, considering how amazing the first film was. was he not there for opening night of the second film? why would he even alert me to that? was he making a statement? was he making his feelings about the second film known?
why did he not include the second film?
why?
twenty minutes later, i heard two people arguing whether or not the balrog from those movies was supposed to have wings or not. i know this is a big deal in the "lord of the rings" community because i worked on those video games for two years. but i never thought i'd actually hear a debate about it. but i did. special stuff.
that was my night.
how i could take don flamenco or great tiger
this is a live rendition of the nintendo classic "mike tyson's punchout" and it is fantastic and troughworthy.
my favorite part is when little mac is on the bike.
yeah, i'm jealous.
my favorite part is when little mac is on the bike.
yeah, i'm jealous.
how i see the world
kobe bryant became the third player in nba history to score over 45 points in four consecutive games.
which means that the last time he threw a pass was in the lobby of a colorado hotel.
thanks. i'll be here all week.
which means that the last time he threw a pass was in the lobby of a colorado hotel.
thanks. i'll be here all week.
Monday, January 09, 2006
how it's too close to call
what's funnier: people wearing ugg boots in warm weather because they think it looks good, or white people wearing fubu outfits?
personally, i still think the white fubu outfit wearer wins - but it's getting closer by the minute.
personally, i still think the white fubu outfit wearer wins - but it's getting closer by the minute.
how i'm going to hell for this joke
at least one thing is certain: "ethiopian idol" won't produce another ruben stoddard.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
how there's great things to be found in junk mail
in my junk mail, i got this intimate message with the subject "i want to meet a canada man".
Hello have a good day,
I am not sure where to begin,it is first time I try to use internet to meet the man but the thing is,that I will work abroad I can choice USA,Canada or Europe and I would like to meet the man to share free evenings and be my guide. My friends helped me to send a few letters to different address and I do hope that I am lucky to meet good and kind man.you should know that now I live in Russia and my goal is to leave this country because it is impossible to live here for young pretty woman.they tell I look well enough,I am blonde with blue eyes,I am natural blonde.I will send a few photos if you reply. if you don't have wife nor girlfriend ,maybe we could try to meet? I am free I have not children .and I have not boyfriend here. I am 25 years old ,please write to me directly to my mail- fruy1@pochta.ru See you soon ,with great hope.
so, all you canucks out there, help a russian sister out if you can, eh?
Hello have a good day,
I am not sure where to begin,it is first time I try to use internet to meet the man but the thing is,that I will work abroad I can choice USA,Canada or Europe and I would like to meet the man to share free evenings and be my guide. My friends helped me to send a few letters to different address and I do hope that I am lucky to meet good and kind man.you should know that now I live in Russia and my goal is to leave this country because it is impossible to live here for young pretty woman.they tell I look well enough,I am blonde with blue eyes,I am natural blonde.I will send a few photos if you reply. if you don't have wife nor girlfriend ,maybe we could try to meet? I am free I have not children .and I have not boyfriend here. I am 25 years old ,please write to me directly to my mail- fruy1@pochta.ru See you soon ,with great hope.
so, all you canucks out there, help a russian sister out if you can, eh?
how i learn something every day
the chick who played jason melon's girlfriend in "back to school" is now married to the former sprint spokesman who dressed in a trench coat.
i don't know how that helps me, but it feels good to know that.
i don't know how that helps me, but it feels good to know that.
how to come to grips
things i learned from the carolina panthers-new york giants playoff game:
1. the panthers are a better team than the giants.
2. you don't win in the NFL playoffs without linebackers.
3. you don't win in the NFL playoffs without fire.
big blue didn't give themselves a chance, because with fire, #1 and #2 don't become all that decisive.
crap.
1. the panthers are a better team than the giants.
2. you don't win in the NFL playoffs without linebackers.
3. you don't win in the NFL playoffs without fire.
big blue didn't give themselves a chance, because with fire, #1 and #2 don't become all that decisive.
crap.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
how i've decided to make things easier
there's a new section called "trough o'mine" on the sidebar to the right. that's where i'll just put a link to anything brilliant that might come my way.
it's instant access to hilarity.
who says i'm not looking out for my peeps?
it's instant access to hilarity.
who says i'm not looking out for my peeps?
how there's always an escape
in a world where our own government spies on us, where people get in fights while watching a movie, where impatience has become the greatest virtue, where every night our newscasts scares us with tales of murders and rapes and potential flus and viruses, it takes two asian students lip-syncing to the backstreet boys' "i want it that way" to restore my faith in humanity.
or even the same guys doing "as long as you love me". that works for me too.
by the way, where has this been in my life? these videos have been floating around since october, and they're just getting to me now? c'mon, steveohvillagers. i can't be everywhere. i need your help on matters such as these. keep me afloat.
or even the same guys doing "as long as you love me". that works for me too.
by the way, where has this been in my life? these videos have been floating around since october, and they're just getting to me now? c'mon, steveohvillagers. i can't be everywhere. i need your help on matters such as these. keep me afloat.
how they never fail to amaze me
i swear to god, after listening to each football game they announce, i come away truly believing that joe theismann and paul maguire had never watched a football game before. they are truly clueless, as if this is a new thing for them - much the same way if i announced curling.
i never played on a football team, but just from gleamimg what i've learned from watching the game, playing john madden football and playing touch tackle with my friends at the alba house playground, i know enought to get by. but let's face it; my knowledge is rudimentary.
but they make me really feel like an expert.
that's why it truly amazes me when i remember that they both played in the nfl.
and that completely blows my mind.
can't they find anyone better? or are they working for free?
i never played on a football team, but just from gleamimg what i've learned from watching the game, playing john madden football and playing touch tackle with my friends at the alba house playground, i know enought to get by. but let's face it; my knowledge is rudimentary.
but they make me really feel like an expert.
that's why it truly amazes me when i remember that they both played in the nfl.
and that completely blows my mind.
can't they find anyone better? or are they working for free?
Friday, January 06, 2006
how sometimes the truth is evident
i had the pleasure of sitting right by three homeless people on the train today as they argued/yelled about the title of the jim carrey movie where he had three black kids (which was "me, myself and irene" - an answer i didn't offer).
of course, they didn't modulate the volume of their voices, and of course, they cursed their heads off. and, of course, they weren't able to string together any semblence of coherent thoughts. it was a cavalcade of complete nonsense, and everyone on the train had no choice but to listen to them.
and, on top of all that, one of them had a boombox and he played his music very loudly.
here's the catch: he played "i want to sex you up" by color me badd.
yep - quite possibly the cheesiest song by the cheesiest boy band ever.
girl you make me feel real good,
we can do it till we both wake up
girl you know i'm hooked on you
and this is what i'll do.
(i wanna love you down)
i wanna sex you up,
all nite, (you make me feel good)
i want (to rub you down)
i wanna sex you up.
which makes me believe that some of the homeless are actually homeless for no other reason than bad taste.
really truly disgustingly bad taste.
of course, they didn't modulate the volume of their voices, and of course, they cursed their heads off. and, of course, they weren't able to string together any semblence of coherent thoughts. it was a cavalcade of complete nonsense, and everyone on the train had no choice but to listen to them.
and, on top of all that, one of them had a boombox and he played his music very loudly.
here's the catch: he played "i want to sex you up" by color me badd.
yep - quite possibly the cheesiest song by the cheesiest boy band ever.
girl you make me feel real good,
we can do it till we both wake up
girl you know i'm hooked on you
and this is what i'll do.
(i wanna love you down)
i wanna sex you up,
all nite, (you make me feel good)
i want (to rub you down)
i wanna sex you up.
which makes me believe that some of the homeless are actually homeless for no other reason than bad taste.
really truly disgustingly bad taste.
how some jobs just beg for a reality show
if i don't manage to land a freelance gig during a week, i get full unemployment benefits - which manages to be about $350. that's not so bad for someone who spends most of his time writing screenplays in a coffeehouse or watching "judge judy".
but if i were just a little more ambitious and didn't care about my career, intelligence, life, self-respect, pride, legacy and what other people think of me, i could make $250 more and be steven seagal's personal assistant.
i choose being able to look myself in the mirror.
but if i were just a little more ambitious and didn't care about my career, intelligence, life, self-respect, pride, legacy and what other people think of me, i could make $250 more and be steven seagal's personal assistant.
i choose being able to look myself in the mirror.
how the religious never let a chance to embarrass themselves go by
it's been awhile since we heard from pat robertson, but you know that the voicebox of god can't keep quiet for too long, especially when a chance to completely embarrass himself becomes available.
like right now, when he's given a chance to comment on ariel sharon's stroke, he says, "i am sad to see him in this condition, but i think we need to look at the bible and the book of joel. the prophet joel makes it very clear that god has enmity against those who 'divide my land.' ''
thank you, pat robertson, for clearly stating what needed to be said. it was obviously sharon dividing israel to appease the united states and the european union that caused his stroke, and definitely not his huge weight problem, old age, the hole in his heart and incredible amount of stress.
god must be very proud of your ongoing work for him.
like right now, when he's given a chance to comment on ariel sharon's stroke, he says, "i am sad to see him in this condition, but i think we need to look at the bible and the book of joel. the prophet joel makes it very clear that god has enmity against those who 'divide my land.' ''
thank you, pat robertson, for clearly stating what needed to be said. it was obviously sharon dividing israel to appease the united states and the european union that caused his stroke, and definitely not his huge weight problem, old age, the hole in his heart and incredible amount of stress.
god must be very proud of your ongoing work for him.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
how to make an impassioned plea
if you're not watching "the office" on thursday nights at 9:30, then you're not watching the best show on television. and yet, as great as it is, the british version is still better, but just barely - by like a hair follicle on dwight schrute's head.
you know what? this blog is getting to be all about television.
it's such good television, though.
okay, i need to get out more.
i gotta stop now.
you know what? this blog is getting to be all about television.
it's such good television, though.
okay, i need to get out more.
i gotta stop now.
how to go down in flames with style (or how to recap the best finale ever)
i just watched the series finale of "arrested development", and there just could not have been a more brilliant and clever ending for such a brilliant and clever show, filled with self-referential jokes about their situation.
for example, after admitting that "the bluths are desperate. the press had them all but finished" - about as apropro as you can get - they show a headline from the paper about their lawyer: "Bob Loblaw Lobs Law Bomb".
and then, to set the template for the rest of the show and their futures, michael says, "if we want any chance of keeping this family going for a couple of weeks, we're gonna have to pull out all the stops" which allowed them, from that moment on, to take all the criticisms given to them by fox network executives on how to fix their show, and then respond to them one by one.
like, after promising a death (a noted sitcom cliche), they show an old lady and admit "OK, we'll just come out and say it -- she's the one who dies."
like when they used another sitcom cliche (3-D glasses) by pointing them out and then making fun of them by using them ridiculously - like GOB throwing a tomato for no reason and andy richter (a guest star - yet another sitcom cliche/"cheap stunt") attacking the camera.
or like when, during their party, they do yet another "cheap stunt" by planting "stars that have no connection to the family" like ben stiller, john larroquette, judge reinhold and richard belzer.
like after, to help try to make their show seem even more obvious and sitcommy, they set up their final bit with VO that said "this was a complex situation that was not easily resolved...the dinner party was a clear cut situation with a promise of comedy. tell your friends" - you know, conventional sitcom humor.
then they littered the show with their hidden pleas and agendas, like when michael noted that the home builders organization stated that the bluths won't be picked up, "well, i guess HBO won't take us, so I guess it's showtime."
and when michael was given a chance to say what he really felt - about his father and his family but really, about the show - he said that "what has happened to us has been an injustice, and that we were never really given a fair chance", but then admitted that "maybe we aren't worth saving. maybe the bluths just aren't likeable, too self-centered".
or after promoting the website saveourbluths.com throughout, they end the whole thing by celebrating - live (another sitcom cliche) - that they kept their dignity during the whole process by proclaiming "it doesn't pay to sound desperate".
and then, when you throw in tobias' very gay misquotes, lindsay making poached salmonella, buster proclaiming that "sister is my new mother" and the complementary insanely racist line spoken by the old woman who died - "you can charm the black off a telegram boy" - jesus christ, how can this show be cancelled? seriously? how idiotic can fox be?
don't answer that.
for example, after admitting that "the bluths are desperate. the press had them all but finished" - about as apropro as you can get - they show a headline from the paper about their lawyer: "Bob Loblaw Lobs Law Bomb".
and then, to set the template for the rest of the show and their futures, michael says, "if we want any chance of keeping this family going for a couple of weeks, we're gonna have to pull out all the stops" which allowed them, from that moment on, to take all the criticisms given to them by fox network executives on how to fix their show, and then respond to them one by one.
like, after promising a death (a noted sitcom cliche), they show an old lady and admit "OK, we'll just come out and say it -- she's the one who dies."
like when they used another sitcom cliche (3-D glasses) by pointing them out and then making fun of them by using them ridiculously - like GOB throwing a tomato for no reason and andy richter (a guest star - yet another sitcom cliche/"cheap stunt") attacking the camera.
or like when, during their party, they do yet another "cheap stunt" by planting "stars that have no connection to the family" like ben stiller, john larroquette, judge reinhold and richard belzer.
like after, to help try to make their show seem even more obvious and sitcommy, they set up their final bit with VO that said "this was a complex situation that was not easily resolved...the dinner party was a clear cut situation with a promise of comedy. tell your friends" - you know, conventional sitcom humor.
then they littered the show with their hidden pleas and agendas, like when michael noted that the home builders organization stated that the bluths won't be picked up, "well, i guess HBO won't take us, so I guess it's showtime."
and when michael was given a chance to say what he really felt - about his father and his family but really, about the show - he said that "what has happened to us has been an injustice, and that we were never really given a fair chance", but then admitted that "maybe we aren't worth saving. maybe the bluths just aren't likeable, too self-centered".
or after promoting the website saveourbluths.com throughout, they end the whole thing by celebrating - live (another sitcom cliche) - that they kept their dignity during the whole process by proclaiming "it doesn't pay to sound desperate".
and then, when you throw in tobias' very gay misquotes, lindsay making poached salmonella, buster proclaiming that "sister is my new mother" and the complementary insanely racist line spoken by the old woman who died - "you can charm the black off a telegram boy" - jesus christ, how can this show be cancelled? seriously? how idiotic can fox be?
don't answer that.
Monday, January 02, 2006
how i was gonna do a "year in review"
but no matter how much time i'd put in it, i figured that conan o'brien would just do it better.
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