how we always complain about athletes overstaying

and that's what makes tiki barber's career day to end his career just that more overwhelming.

god bless you, tiki. we'll miss you.

how you can find anything on jet blue

i'm flying from JFK to oakland, watching six hours of consecutive tv when i normally instead would be doing something else. don't get me wrong; i’m not complaining.

anyways, i was lucky enough to come across michael jackson’s epic “thriller” video on vh1 classic. even today, it holds up. it’s really a testament to jackson, john landis and everyone who had a hand in it.

it’s been over twenty years later, though, and something struck me as purely ridiculous and a little bit creepy.

it wasn’t the zombies coming out from their graves.
it wasn’t michael turning into a zombie.
hell, it wasn’t even how the zombies and michael broke out into spontaneous dance.

no, the most ridiculous thing about the whole thing, by far, was that michael jackson was on a date with a woman.

i know. freaky. and completely unbelieveable.

of course, it was just the second best thing i saw on the plane, next to this awesome clip.

how i don't know exactly what this gets me in the world

but yours truly has been invited to be a commentor for sports gossip website deadspin.com.

so, what happens is that when they post an article about a certain sports topic - usually something barbaro related, sometimes about an mustached ohio state fan caught masturbating in a library, or occasionally about a great pick-up line by a blowhard sportscenter anchor - just click on "comments", and yuo'll see that i'll have posted something funny.

well, at least to me.

and i ain't gonna lie, it'll most likely be barbaro related.

anyways, this is my deadspin commentor page. enjoy the subtleties, sarcasm and inanity of my smartass remarks.

this is what happens when you have too much spare time on your hands.

how i just saw a great nba game

i've been to my share of great nba games at madison square garden. i saw the knicks blow out the bulls in a playoff game where michael jordan clanged a dunk off the back rim. i saw patrick ewing's first game. i saw the reggie miller game. and there's so many others that i just can't remember.

but tonight was the best.

a resurgent knicks team against the pistons - the best team in the east.

rip hamilton had 51 for detroit. stephon marbury had 41, eddy curry 33, jamal crawford 29 and channing frye 26 for new york. the pistons were beasts on the board. david lee reciprocated while curry cowered. crawford had 11 gorgeous assists. antonio mcdyess attacked the rim with springs in his legs. everyone left everything they had on the hardwood.

we were tied at the end of regulation. we were tied at the end of the first overtime. crawford found frye for a jumper at the buzzer to bring us to triple overtime. and crawford and curry put it away for the win, 151-145.

yep. 151-145. knicks win. knicks win.

the knicks, already with a depleted bench, saw marbury foul out in the second overtime. so you had crawford, jeffries, lee, frye and curry to end the game. that's 6'5, 6'11, 6'8, 6'11 and 6'11. that's a big team. you had hamilton going nuts from all over until jeffries shut him down. you had crawford positively sizzling in overtime, hitting clutch shot after clutch shot, with 9 in the final overtime. you had highs and lows within seconds. you had everything you could ask for in any sort of game.

it was exhausting.

my father, brother and i hoarse from screaming.

the garden electric.

what a night. a night summoning the ghosts of ewing, oakley and starks.

let's go knicks. can you believe that?

how i became one of those people i always made fun of by loving something i'd swear i'd never

i'm gonna get to what i mean about that at the end. but, until then, here's a review of the second movie this year that i would be excited to see win the oscar.


starring jamie foxx, beyonce knowles, eddie murphy, jennifer hudson and danny glover
written for the screen and directed by bill condon
viewed at the regal cinemas, staten island, ny

as you all know, i hate musicals. i really do. in fact, just the idea of spontaneous song makes me sick. i don't get it, never had and never will. or so i thought.

this movie has some of that, and, well, i might be loosening my hatred somewhat.

let's get right to it with what everyone is saying: this movie is beyond fantastic. it's fun, emotional and brilliantly written, acted, directed, shot, choreographed and sung. sure, it lags in some areas, but when some scenes are so thrilling, others will pale in comparison.

as usual, jamie foxx is brilliant. eddie murphy is eddie murphy, and hopefully will be nominated for being so. beyonce knowles is among the most beautiful women in the world - and it's not fair that she's also got that voice. and the guy who adapted "chicago" really knows what the hell he's doing.

it's everything you've heard, and you won't be disappointed.

but i haven't gotten to what i'm talking about.

it only really takes one scene to win an oscar. for example, nicholson had the "you can't handle the truth" speech in "a few good men". halle berry had that rough sex scene in "monster's ball". and, in this movie, there's the utterly amazing jennifer hudson, who will win this oscar unanimously, singing "and i am telling you i'm not going". it's done in spontaneous song with the rest of the cast, but it's so emotionally charged, so sad, so believeable, so...deeply moving, so everything that's right with film and storytelling that...

yes, i'm gonna admit it...

i applauded at the end of the scene...

for a piece of film, an inanimate object that didn't appreciate it.

silly, yes, but if i saw it again, i'd do it again.

jennifer hudson won the oscar with that scene. and, in fact, without that scene, she'd win the oscar anyways. it's the most jawdropping performance you're ever gonna experience.

if nothing, see it for that.

but oh, that scene. it's added to the pantheon of great scenes.

and you won't just clap at the end of the scene. you'll find yourself, amazingly again, waiting until the end of the movie to see her credit appear, "introducing jennifer hudson", just to clap again.

i did.

she and it were that amazing.

how i don't know what this means, but i love it

"god is trying to move the train".

that was what my nephew was singing today. he completely made that lyric up - and it raises so many questions. you know, like what's in the train? what's wrong with it? what's god doing about it? why can't he budge it? how long will he try? when will he stop trying?

there's so many questions. it's the new little red wheelbarrow.

it's deep, really deep, and it was spoken by a kid not even four years old.

god is trying to move the train.

deal with it, sucka.

how i can't believe i'm writing this, but i really mean it

i don't want the giants to win next week. i really don't.

i have never seen a team this tepid, this careless, this undisciplined, this terribly coached, this horrid. and i've never seen a team have so little fun playing a game. i know this'll sound cliched, but it's true. they played like they'd rather be somewhere else.

it was a total disgrace - and that's like, what, the sixth time i've written those words during the tom coughlin regime.

this is the team i love, and i don't really like them right now. they've insulted my allegiance time and time again, and i'm exhausted.

i don't want the giants to win next week because i don't want to care about this team anymore. i don't want to subject myself to a passionless team play unemotional football. it's insulting to an entire fan base.

i'd rather have green bay take that last wild card spot, just because it's so much fun watching brett favre have so much fun.

you know, like he's playing a game. strange concept, huh, big blue?

how patrick ewing would be proud

maybe it was just because of the late holiday rush, but the nba store on 5th avenue smells exactly like an nba game in triple overtime.

it is indeed a christmas miracle.

how i might be within the top 3% of parallel parkers in the world

but that doesn't help me when i'm within the bottom 3% of christmas gift wrappers worldwide.

each year, it's the worst seven hours of my life.

how i'm sure i watched this when i was thirteen, but it's almost twenty years later and i hope i blocked it out

then again, when something like "think big!' starring gary carter, mookie wilson and roger mcdowell comes along, it really should be burned inside your memory bank forever. so i'm sure this 25-minute masterpiece just escaped my eyes during that time.

there's so many things special about this. there really is. especially when they type in pete rose at "100% discipline". that, my friends, is comedy gold.

there's three parts to this musical. and you're gonna need 100% desire, 100% teamwork and 100% determination to get through them all. but trust me. it's absolutely brilliant.

of course, if the 2006 yankees had done a remake of "think big!" starring jason giambi and gary sheffield, it would have had a different meaning completely. and, of course, a-rod would had flubbed his lines at the most dramatic scenes.

how it figures that the one time i don't watch the crapfest they call "saturday night live"

they air their one funny sketch (here it is, and unedited, no less) of the year.

and, like "lazy sunday", it's really good stuff, no matter what season of snl.

how i wasn't even in new york for five minutes

and the new yorker in me came out.

after hitting the john after i landed at jfk, i headed to carousel #1 for my luggage. at that time there were three different bags rotating around - a blue one, a red one and a small black one. when the black one came around, a woman in her 60s checked to see if it was hers.

when it came around again, she checked it again.

and when it came around again, she checked it. again. even though it was obviously the same bag. one of the three.

so i laughed.

after i laughed, a woman next to me hit me in the arm and said, "she's checked the same damn bag five times". we both laughed and waited for the next revolution.

and as it approached, i did play-by-play. "hey? is that? could it be? it looks black, it's about the right size? should i check it?" and when she checked it and let it go, i said, "catch and release!" the woman next to me laughed.

and when it approached yet again, i said, "oh, this might be the one. maybe this time around. okay. it's black and it's small. fingers crossed, fingers crossed..." and when she, of course checked it again, i said, "catch and release!" again. the woman next to me laughed harder.

and that was it. more bags came on the carousel, adding to the three already there. so the fun was lost.

for the record: she didn't check that bag again. seven times was more than enough i guess.

how it might just have been the recycled air

i never ever watch six hours of tv at once - unless i'm flying cross-country on jet blue. and after i get sick and tired of watching sportscenter, espnews and every other derivation of last night's highlights, i usually start skimming around for something else - and that something else usually winds up on vh1 classic. in this case, i watched an interesting show about how how metallica made their legendary record, "the black album".

but that's not what i'm blogging about here.

here were the two shows that made me laugh out loud.

and i'm totally serious about this.

1. "love connection" on gsn. it's still the same show that we all remember from the 80s. and that's the key word: 80s. beyond the lame conversations, video bios, repartees and payoffs, we're now treated with a special gift from our friend time: 80s haircuts. for example, this vapid bimbo with "the claw" haircut had to choose between three men and their haircuts: a blond spike, the jack tripper part with mustache and, finally, a mullet. she chose the blond spike guy. it was pure comedy brilliance. and unending. it's a show like this that makes you wonder what everyone was thinking during a decade like that. i urge you to check it out. it's grown better with age, and since we're talking about the 80s, it's everything you'd think it'd be.

2. "al tv" on mtv. and by "al", i mean weird al yankovic. and by weird al yankovic, i mean that weird al yankovic. this is his sketch comedy and video show for his new album, "straight outta lynwood". the songs and videos sucked for the most part. that, i grant. but he had some very funny skits in there. for example, he had access to celebrity interviews - like kevin federline - and weird al filmed himself in front of a background that mimicked the celebrity. so it felt like an actual interview, except weird al knew the answers and wrote - and i can't believe i'm writing this - really clever and funny questions. and somewhat incisive. yeah, i know.

actually, what really got me laughing hard was a polka version of "gold digger" by kanye west, where he played the video and sang a different version of the song but it synced up pretty well. so we see jamie foxx singing, but we hear weird al. it's actually quite brilliant stuff.

did i really write all this?

how i have to rethink exactly what i'm rooting for

in the wake of the knicks-nuggets brawl, which was a disgrace on top of a embarassment on top of a travesty, well, there's nothing really left to cheer for at the garden.

outside of carmelo anthony suckerpunching mardy collins and then literally running away, the part i loved best was isiah thomas at the press conference afterwards talking about how "this is our house" and "we can't be disrespected."

here's a stat for you, isiah:

the knicks are 4-10 at home, and they play with the urgency of a marathoner on mile one. the only ones being disrespected at home are your fans.

so sadly, when the suspensions are handed out, i'm hoping for a 56-gamer for you, isiah. that'll last throughout the season and, hopefully, your tenure destroying the knicks.

this is our house, isiah. don't let the revolving door hit you on the way out.

how as a fan of the new york football giants, i am distressed to say

that john hufnagel has to go, and he should take his predictable and boring playcalling with him. three years of the same system, and eli's still confused? i don't think the problem lies with the manning kid.

and tim lewis should follow him out of east rutherford, along with his complete lack of grasping the obvious and a failure of fixing mistakes made over and over and over again.

and since we're at it, let's toss tom coughlin. he makes it difficult to root for him and, sadly, for the team i love. what good is being a disciplinarian when your team outwardly rebels against you and if you're continually outcoached? none. there's no good here.

something's rotten in jersey, and for once, it ain't jersey.

even an idiot like troy aikman, the worst color guy in sports and maybe history, would agree with me on all this.

and if he doesn't, well, it's troy aikman, and that's proof enough.

how all we need is just a little patience, mmm yeah

guns n' roses + sebastian bach
mcafee coliseum - oakland, ca
december 15, 2006

okay, i'll take this in segments.

the scene: oakland. george bush's america. i'm guessing seven men for every females. and of those seven, four have goatees. and six of them are wearing black. and three of them are looking for a fight, and two in return are happy to oblige. i know this. i saw most of them get together. also, three of them are wearing a gnr t-shirt just purchased. and two of them were gonna be seriously pissed when they realized that bart stopped running at midnight. yep, those people. it was basically a raiders game, except not as peaceful.

the opening act: to say sebastian bach was a trainwreck would be minimizing the damage. i mentioned throughout the show that it wasn't a performance as much as it was a checklist. it was every rock cliche you could think of, from his calling for everyone to raise their cellphone up high (the new lighter) and practically begging everyone to sway them to ripping his shirt off to well, if you've seen a concert, then he did it. if he were kidding, it would have been brilliant. but he wasn't, so it was still brilliant, just not to him. if this were an effort to prove he hasn't changed in eighteen years, then he was successful. he could still rock terribly.

the main event: after bach was done at 11:30 (which is usually the ending time for most concerts), they still had to put gnr's stage together - which should have taken 30 minutes, but it took them an hour to get on stage. so yeah, we wound up hearing the first riffs of "welcome to the jungle" at 12:30. but oh, what a riff. i swear to god, there's very few things that can give you chills up your spine any more than being in an arena and hearing that. loudly. and in isolation. one riff at a time. holy crap, my lord. and then there's axl looking...well, heavier...and, to be honest, happy on stage. let there be no confusion: axl rose is a rock star. he's got it. and he's assembled a band that's about as tight as you can expect from a band called gnr. great great stuff. in fact, electrifying. you can say what you want about the superficiality of heavy metal, but guns n roses transcended all of that with superior craft, skill and musicianship. the songs are gorgeous and intense and everything that the 80s music scene should have been, except it was far too late to save it.

wow. talking about riffs.

anyways, they were fantastic. and having lars ulrich play with them for a song didn't suck either. the one thing that did suck was that they did go on at 12:30 and, after they played "nighttrain" at 2:30 in the morning, well, we were exhausted (plus, seeing a brawl happen right in front of us didn't lighten our moods). so, expecting an angry mob, already incensed that beer sales had stopped and spurred on by the already intense music they paid for plus with the future realization that they had no train to take them home, while watching a show at a much later time they expected, we felt that it was a good time to leave - even if they didn't get to the whole cliched "encore" thing. i mean, we heard everything we wanted except "paradise city". no complaining, other than if i knew i'd be on my feet for seven hours, i wouldn't have worn my chucks.

but would i see them again? hell yeah. i'd just get seats next time. and a case of jolt cola.

how i can't wait for "rocky balboa", even though i know it's completely ridiculous

which makes me sad that i stumbled upon the trailer for "rocky 2389".

how there is no limit to the insanity that a lawyer will say to defend his client

here's a delightful story of a man who test drove a BMW during a promotional event in which BMW donated $1 to breast cancer research for every mile the car was driven. of course, instead of driving on the 15 mile course, he never returned the car and was arrested on staten island a week later.

okay.

and how does his lawyer defend him? here you go:

"This man had no intent to keep the car forever or steal it," the lawyer continued. "He thought he was helping out a breast-cancer [research] promotion. No good deed goes unpunished."

i...uh...there are no words.

how i can't believe the knicks aren't making a play for iverson

my brother and i had a nice genteel conversation yesterday on the phone, one that we've had only about 589,223 times since december 2002 - which is, quite simply, what the hell is isiah thomas thinking?

isiah thomas was the smartest and toughest guard i've ever seen. and yet, as an executive, he's made a living stockpiling idiotic ninnies for his basketball team. you know, the exact opposite of what made him great, what made him a hall of famer and, most importantly, what made him a champion.

and now, the second coming of isiah is on the trading block, and he's not even thinking about trading him?

you might think many things about allen iverson, but these things are undeniable: tough. quick. talented. athletic. basketball savvy. in fact, if you add the suffix -est to all those adjectives, you'd still be correct: toughest. quickest. most talented. most athletic. basketball savviest. i'm right about all of these. there's no question. and if you have one, just watch him play live, and then come back to me.

one thing has become blatantly obvious when you watch an nba game: there's so much basketball talent in the world that it's kinda plateaud. don't get me wrong: KG and nowitski and nash and d-wade and melo are more talented than their peers, but they're not all that much more, and when you look at rosters, well, the difference in talent between one team and another is negligible. (don't get me wrong: the suns are more talented than the bobcats. but it's not like ohio state playing wagner).

and, the other thing that's most obvious about watching an nba game is this: usually, the difference between winning and losing is nothing more than effort. what team wants it more. what team sacrifices more. what team leaves more of themselves on the court. just watch a game. of course, there are other factors, but most of those factors are governed by effort.

effort. who wants it more. who sacrifices more. who leaves more of themselves on the court

did i just describe a certain 5'11" basketball player that happens to be on the trading block?

and did i just describe exactly what ails my new york knicks?

am i crazy? how could or would you not love allen iverson on your basketball team? it's insane. it's completely insane. he's every intangible that sportswriters glorify but can never quantify.

he is indeed the answer.

so what's the question, isiah?

how you say "ho" three times because that's what santa says

here's a christmas carol for our modern times, and it stars santa, santa's wife, rudolph, an elf and jesus - featuring the music of r. kelly.

it's called "trapped in the clauset", and it's better than what you think it's gonna be.

it's a christmas story for the whole dysfunctional family. consider this a gift from me to you.

thanks, tony, for the tip.

how i never got the whole english monarchy thing until now (kinda)

"the queen"
starring helen mirren, michael sheen and james cromwell
directed by stephen frears
written by peter morgan
viewed at the kabuki theater, san francisco

even though i was an english lit major, i never really got the reasons why england still had the whole monarchy thing - you know, past their linear ties to times past. i realized that the king, back in the day, was the ruling body. but with parliament and the prime minister now with so much power, why were these people idolized other than that their blood is the blood of kings and queens from years ago? that was my american longview. totally didn't get it.

but, within the first five minutes of this film, queen elizabeth squashed all that when she tells tony blair, "it's my government. you have to ask me of you want to run it." oh. got it. done. parliament is a bunch of independent contractors who are hired by the people to run the government that's owned by the house of windsor.

and, above the whole monarchy thing, i never really got the whole princess di thing either. i mean, she's royalty, and therefore, above mere citizens. and when she died, i always figured that the public outpouring of grief was because of her celebrity, that she was a well-known pretty public figure. that was also my american longview. and yeah, now i know how wrong i was.

this movie is about all of that, but mostly about how you can be so insular and completely lose touch with reality. i'm sure that's the deal with the english monarchy. they live privileged lives unlike and above those of their subjects in their country. and this movie is a microcosm of that, but in a time when the country needed them the most - the days after the death of their beloved princess.

it's a remarkable film of old traditions bumping up against modern times. and it's all corralled by helen mirren, who is completely mesmerizing at her royal majesty. if she doesn't win an oscar, they probably shouldn't hand one out.

plus, michael sheen is fantastic as tony blair (although i always thought that tony blair was just a zany martin short character). and james cromwell was great as usual as prince philip.

there's so much to like about this film. hell, i learned a ton just by watching it. and i've just scratched the surface of what it's about - although i still don't know what the royal family exactly does.

it's the second best movie i've seen this year, behing "the departed". and that's nothing to be ashamed of.

how junk mail has practically just given up

this was found in the "comments" section of the post below:

Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for different ways to earn money... I did find this though...a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping. I made over $900 last month having fun! make extra money now

of course, this is a generic e-mail sent out to millions of blogs (are there really millions of blogs?), but still, let's break this down sentence by sentence, just in case the commentor is reading this again:

Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't quite find what I was looking for.
this is completely understandable. sometimes, i do write too much about sports, and sometimes i get off on stupid tangents. i don't really know what my audience is past my close friends and family, although i do seem to have tapped a vein into the taylor hicks and josh groban crowds. i have no qualms with this sentence. you, dear commentor, are completely in the right in this one, and i am taking this opportunity to salute you, although you're probably not reading this blog again, for i was not what you were looking for. a compliment wasted, really.

I'm looking for different ways to earn money.
who isn't? i am. we all are. who wouldn't want that? but why would you think that the steveohville speakeasy would supply that information to you? i've never written on that subject. i have my own ways of earning money, of which i am happy to share. but it's very specific to me and my job, so it's not like it's general information, and it wouldn't really pertain to you. maybe you mistook the name of my blog as the $teveohville $peakea$y. i a$$ure you, that is fal$e.

I did find this though...a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping. I made over $900 last month having fun!
wow. that's great. but is making $900 a month really something you should be bragging about? the fact that you stated $900 instead of $1000 means that what you made is somewhere between $900-$999. and you would have rounded up if it were $950. so, really, you made somewhere between $900-$949 last month, which really isn't that much and probably at some point will get you on "the people's court" as a defendant. again, that's nothing you should be bragging about. but at least you were having fun. and if i were you, i wouldn't be spending my time reading blogs like this. or be on the internet. unless it's for finding cheap santa suits.

which, by the way, you can find here.

how to rock the $2 bargain bin that was previously undiscovered

i go into green apple books every week, and although i rummage through their vinyl, i've never noticed their $2 bargain bin. you can't blame a man. i've only been inside the store over a hundred times or so.

anyways, here's my gold mine:

willie nelson and ray price - "san antonio rose"
original motion picture soundtrack for "the sting"
willie nelson - "pretty paper" (xmas album)
rod stewart - "foot loose and fancy free"
herb alpert tijuana brass - "south of the border"
chicago greatest hits
graham parker and the rumour - "stick to me"
the hollies greatest hits
b.j. thomas greatest hits
fleetwood mac - "mirage"
willie nelson - "angel eyes"
neil diamond - "hot august night" (in concert)
carl reiner and mel brooks
original motion picture soundtrack for "the graduate"

all that for a grand total for $28.

how haunting can be beautiful

i read about this clip in rolling stone magazine of elvis presley singing "unchained melody" in concert and, i gotta say, it's utterly jawdropping.

it's elvis' rendition of that sad song, with him playing the piano and singing as the jordaniares stand quiety beside him, and there's heartache in every word he presents, dripping with the pain from every syllable. his craft as a singer was never finer, never more sharp, never more incisive. and he makes it his, all his.

it's haunting.

and it's moving to watch, as this is the fat elvis, hopped up on drugs, completely out of his mind, sweat laden, and yet he's able to hit that higher octave right at the end. you see his physical condition completely demolished, and yet his voice is completely intact, an absolutely amazing performance by an absolutely amazing singer.

and again, haunting, as this was just eight weeks before his death.

put your volume all the way up.

how it's all a matter of perspective

here's a video of pauly shore getting punched by a heckler in odessa, texas.

if it were andy dick, everyone would think that this whole thing was a bit. if it were chris rock, everyone would think that the puncher was a racist. if it were jon stewart, everyone would call for the heckler's head.

but it's pauly shore. so everyone laughed and clapped.

a bigger question: what were people in odessa, texas even doing paying their hard earned money to se pauly shore, star of "biodome" and "in the army now"? was jeff foxworthy already booked in el paso? and didn't that heckler have something better to do, like raping his horse or something? maybe raping his cow?

and, most importantly, how did pauly shore get so prime a gig?

(on a serious note: where the hell was security on this one? that's inexcusable. then again, what did pauly shore say for security to think that he deserved it).

how i wish i had the power to waste money like this

on tuesday's "late night with conan o'brien", he had a skit introducing new college mascots. one of them was the fsu manatee webcams. and it featured a mascot dressed as a manatee dancing in front of a computer while someone from the band watched it all on a laptop.

when it came back to conan, he remarked that he's watching it on hornymanatee.com.

it was an offhand spontaneous remark. it wasn't on the script. it was just something to fill time.

anyways, nbc came back to conan and informed him that whenever he mentions a made-up website name on the air - like hornymanatee.com - they have to automatically buy it. yes, the corporate and legal world has become that ridiculous.

so, conan figured that since they have it - for the next ten years - they might as well build it out.

so here it is - hornymanatee.com. the fan art is especially fantastic, specifically this one.

how my clothes will undoubtedly be urine scented

i do my laundry every other saturday in the same laundromat (and before i get e-mails, i have sixteen pairs of underwear). whenever i go in, there's usually a homeless guy there with a long red beard and a freaky black trenchcoat who's just hanging out. he's harmless, i reckon, but he's there. he's not always there, but he's there enough.

and, for some reason, i kinda feel good that he's there with my clothes while i'm out on a run while my washer is going. because he's always there, he seems like an employee. and yes, it sounds as stupid as it reads.

aaaaaanyways, while walking out of walgreens today, i noticed him hanging out. i've never seen him outside the laundromat. so my eyes locked onto him, and his onto mine. and that's when i accidentally kicked over his change chalace.

it scampered all the way down the block. of course, i didn't see it and of course, i went to get it and put the thirty five cents that were in it. and of course, i gave it back to him. no harm, no foul.

that is, until i take my clothes out of the dryer next weekend.

how the unintentionally funny meter just got busted

ladies and gentlemen, i present to you the barbaro message board.

barbaro, in case you don't remember, is the horse that won the first two legs of the triple crown, and then broke his own leg while running in the third.

and these are messages from his fans. you know, well wishes.

written by actual people.

to a horse.

who can't read.

and even if he could, probably wouldn't give a shit.

they're also reacting to commentors from deadspin.com, who have infiltrated it with their usual panache.

i have nothing more to say, sweet princes and princesses.

how you never really can tell

i'm sitting in yet another coffeehouse, this one in my neighborhood. nice enough place. small. it's right next to a ballet center, so once the class gets out, the little girls and their mothers gather at the small coffeehouse.

so it's, in a word, LOUD.

not sure if i'm going back there.

aaanyways, i'm sitting there in one of the quiet moments, and i see an old man putter to us in one of those motorized wheelchairs/scooters. i couldn't take my eyes off the guy as he drove across the street because he was sitting side saddle - which, i gotta say, i've never seen before. then again, he had to, since he had a bucket of what looked like junk set in front of him.

he finally made it to the front door, which was closed, and being the fine gentleman i am, i opened it for him.

"why thank you sir," he said.

"no problem," i replied as i turn around to sit down.

"hey, the name's dale condry, and i've got a fantastic opportunity for you". he offered me his hand. his nails were the size of bottlecaps.

"sir, i don't work..."

"licorice soda!"

"what?"

"what i'm offering you and your establishment is a chance to sell licorice soda at a discount price. i've got a brochure here - it's got some writing on it so please, overlook that, but it's the last one i got - but it's gonna be the hit of the century, i tell ya."

"sir, i don't work here."

"oh...you don't."

"nah. i'm a customer".

"oh...well, can you point me to the big man of the house?"

i looked at the woman behind the counter. she ducked down to avoid him. "yeah, she's hiding over there."

he scooted over to her. ""hey, the name's dale condry, and i've got a fantastic opportunity for you. what i'm offering you and your establishment is a chance to sell licorice soda at a discount price. i've got a..."

of course, she wasn't interested. so the old man scooted out the door - and into the ballet center.

so to recap: old man. nails like bottlecaps. scooter. side saddle. licorice soda, whatever that is.

thank you, jesus.

how the mundane can be brilliant

i hung out at the canvas cafe in my old neighborhood yesterday. it's a great place to write - a huge coffeehouse with a monthly art gallery on the walls and nightly shows like open mic, jazz, djs, comedy or whatnot. if you can't get inspired in a place like this, you just can't get inspired.

now that i've moved neighborhoods, i can easily say that i really miss that place.

but i was back there yesterday and i did some great writing, really solid stuff that i'm proud of. but, after a couple of iced teas, a chicken ceaser salad and a chocolate chip cookie, well, my bladder be exploding. so i hit the john and, like everything else in this place, even that was creative - especially in the stall.

the resident artist for the month drew and spraypainted these characters all over.


and amid all that were just scribbles written by other shitters - but really deep thoughts, like "i wish i were alive" or "forgive. just forgive" and other stuff i can't remember. some of it were really powerful.

and then, this:


i can't tell you how brilliant that is.

best. shit. ever.

how this marriage only seems to get stronger and stronger

there doesn't seem to be any let up in the innovation between the california milk processor board and their longtime ad agency (and my former haunt) goodby silverstein and partners. taking "got milk?" to a new level, they embedded a bunch of bus shelters in san francisco with the smell of cookies. seriously, if that doesn't make you crave some milk, then you're a lost cause.

besides, i'd rather smell cookies in a bush shelter than the usual urine scent.

so, in typical san francisco fashion (and i love this city, i really do), people are complaining.

one complaint is that, although these aromas are good for the environment, this could lead to perfume companies following suit and policing whether or not these scents pass muster and be safe to all could be unregulated. i get that. i see that.

but here's where the crazy come in.

some people are complaining that the cookie scents are unfair to the homeless because, and i shit you not, it would make them want to eat cookies and milk, and they don't have the money to do so.

seriously.

i couldn't make that up if i tried.

so people out here are worried about the homeless and their right to drink themselves to death because, god forbid, they actually eat cookies and milk instead.

got sanity?

how you can't take college football seriously when you consider this

i've been on board the college football bandwagon for awhile. the tailgating, the gameday atmosphere, the passion, the pageantry - i get it and i'll be its greatest cheerleader.

but when you break down how they pick a championship game, well, it undermines most of what's great about the sport.

let's break down this year's selection:

ohio state is obviously #1.

going into the final week, usc was firmly planted at #2, even though it had one loss along with michigan, florida and wisconsin. yet we can safely eliminate wisconsin from this discussion for no real reason whatsoever. and also boise state, who was undefeated in a softer schedule.

so if usc won, they would play ohio state. why? well, they would win the pac-10, and they had a tough schedule, and...well, an opinion, i guess, even though florida won the sec championship and also had one loss and played a tougher schedule. and that michigan only loss was to ohio state by 3.

but usc lost. so logic would say that michigan, who was #3 in the rankings, would therefore move up to #2 and play ohio state in a rematch.

but florida's win over arkansas vaulted them to #2 and into the championship game.

but let's be real honest about this.

if usc wins, florida doesn't leapfrog michigan in the rankings even with their win. they just don't. nobody outside the south believes florida is a better team than michigan.

but usc lost, and since michigan hasn't played in two weeks, florida goes to #2.

michigan dropped two spots in two weeks, even though they haven't played.

so, to break this down:

florida is voted as a better team than michigan only because ucla beat usc. and because michigan's schedule ended two weeks earlier.

ladies and gentlemen, your ncaa football championship game selection process.

how i have to ask

did nicole kidman marry a leprechaun,
or did keith urban marry big bird?

how this has become the future of my industry

and as seen here, it's already jumped the shark.

brilliantly done.

how i wish my industry were always this honest

if i had a client, i'd suggest that they should do something like this, mostly because of how endearing and honest it is.

how can you not like these people?

how a thousand miles should not stop you from celebrating by committing a felony

here's a video of ucsb students celebrating their school's ncaa soccer championship by stealing a goalpost and marching in the streets.

while watching this quick 16 second clip, please keep in mind that:
1. the game took place in st. louis.
2. this video takes place in santa barbara.
3. the students went to a random field and stole a random goalpost.

hilarious.

how a local legend has gotten his due

i always find it funny that in a city as clever and intelligent as san francisco, the biggest local celebrity is a guy who hides behind a bush and scares the crap out of tourists. if you don't know the bushman, get to know him before you soil yourself.

it's a messaround.

how i really don't care, but if it were up to me

ohio state would play florida in the bcs championship game.

i just don't think that you shouldn't play for a national championship if you haven't won your conference. sorry, michigan. you had your shot at the buckeyes.

that's just me. then again, i'm not a conference commissioner or a bowl organizer, whose main priorities are to be sure that the division 1A scholar-athletes - unlike 1-AA, 2 and 3 football players - have plenty of time to study for finals in lieu of playoffs, because that is what's important here and not money, right? and that a playoff wouldn't work because of all of those reasons and not for money purposes, of course of course of course.

of course, the bcs only works when the choices are obvious - two undefeated teams, two one loss teams. in this case, it doesn't. it'll pick a team, and the whole process will be flawed. again. no matter who gets the nod.

as usual, when money drives the answer, the answer is usually wrong.

how i am woefully inadequate as a writer

after a bad day of writing, where i really did nothing productive with my third act, i decided that it might be a good idea to put my pen down and check out two of the best movies of this year - made by two of the best filmmakes in the world.

so i did. and i realized how far i need to go.


starring penélope cruz and lola dueñas
written and directed by pedro almodóvar
viewed at the clay theater, san francisco

as with many of almodovar's films, we take a short turn into the obscure and high tail it to the bizarre. but that's a good thing, because it usually comes from a good place - in this case, the idea that you have to open your eyes to see the world you make for yourself. or at least that's what i got from the film. it wasn't obvious. i really had to work for it. but that's a good thing. i don't think finding out what a movie is about should be transparent. and, as with many of almodovar's films, it's funny and colorful and thoughtful, emotional and seductive, beautifui and poetic. and, above all, fun. penelope cruz is fantastic, but then again, she rarely isn't.


starring brad pitt, cate blanchett and loads of others
directed by alejandro gonzález iñárritu
written by guillermo arriaga
viewed at the bridge theater, san francisco

just one good deed can set off dire consequences. like in "volver", that theme wasn't obvious to me, and i love that it wasn't. like "amores perros" and "21 grams", the storytelling is unrelenting, morbid, graphic, intense and eloquent, with characters making hard choices that seem unimaginable to us. his movies don't necessarily have happy endings; in fact, i even wonder why they make the movies they do. they're never uplifting or even sheds some optimism on the human condition. still, it's marvelous storytelling and filmmaking, from acting to writing to directing to the scoring to the editing. there's not one facet of this film that you're not in awe of. at least, i was.

shit. even my reviews suck when compared to these films.

i've got some work to do.

how i'll probably come across sounding like a pig by posting this, but what the hell, it's true, it's true

i'm sitting in a coffeehouse on fillmore street, which is the main thoroughfare in exclusive pacific heights. although this is very unscientific - which constitutes of a quick glance at every woman who passes by my window seat - i'd have to guess that the ratio of great asses - whether formed by workout regimes, great genes, tight jeans or eating disorders - to even just an average looking ass is about 723:1. and the average asses would be standouts anywhere else in the city.

as a matter of fact, i saw just one woman with a big ass. and i think she just got arrested.

and that, my friends is off the charts.

(and even the chart has a very nice ass).

just saying.

oink.

how the last time i laughed this hard on tv was during "arrested development" when tobias was a mole and george michael was flying in tinytown

from this week's episode of "the office", written by ricky gervais and stephen merchant:

michael; "you show me a white man you trust and i'll show you a black man i trust even more. pam, you tell me a white person you trust."

pam: "my dad".

michael: "danny glover."

jim: "jonas salk".

michael: "who?"

jim: "justin timberlake".

michael: "oh, please, colin powell. next".

karin: "so i got one. jesus christ."

michael: "apollo creed"

hilarious.

how something can be so terrible that it makes it all the way around to unbelieveably brilliant

it happens. especially with acting and directing.

and this clip from god knows what is the star piece of evidence to that theory. and please, watch it all the way through. i submit that iit turns the corner from nauseating to excellent when the woman wearing the arm sling joins the karate fight. or when the bad guy licks his knife.

again, it's so horrible in every measure that it's hall of fame brilliant.

enjoy it with everything you've got.

how i would love to coach, and i would absolutely hate to coach

there was a sign up sheet at the jcc for a basketball coach for a grammar school aged team. i seriously thought about volunteering for it, and then i quickly snapped out of it.

i mean, i would love to coach. i think i have a lot to share when it comes to basketball, and i know i'm a pretty good teacher. and i have a nice way about me. but to deal with parents? no frigging way.

check out this horrifying story about the insanity that parents have gone to - and this is just miles away from here.

yeah, no thanks.

how i was too angry to post this then, but i'm much better now, thank you

after the giants-titans debacle on sunday, i grumpily walked over to the bar to settle my tab. while waiting for the bartender, i watched these two guys, who by all accounts were very good friends, settle their own.

it was, in a word, strange.

i'm gonna try and recount it.

okay, here goes it:

- "hey man, i think you owe $25 and i owe $22, because when you take into account the extra beer..."

- "yes, but you're not taking tax into consideration."

- "i think i am. that's why the split should be 25 to 22."

- "are you sure? with tip, i think it's more $24 for me, and $23 for you. check it out."

the guy takes the bill and analyzes it.

- "i'm not sure. maybe we can borrow a calculator."

a calculator! for a dollar! it's so ridiculous, i'm using exclamation points!

imagine if they hated each other. or if their team blew a 21 point lead in the fourth quarter.

shit. i'm in a bad mood again.

how none of these are related

in honor of my crossing the street in the mission yesterday with a pair of transvestites, and also in honor of me watching a homeless man in the upper haight urinate on the sidewalk in front of a pair of german tourists, i give you, completely unrelated, jim mora's "playoffs?" rant from five years ago. for no reason, other than it always makes me laugh. just like street-crossing transvestites and sidewalk-urinating bums.

how after they mailed one in, i mailed this in

feel free to do the same.

New York Football Giants
Giants Stadium
East Rutherford, NJ 07073
Phone: (201) 935-811

Dear Messrs. Tisch, Mara and Accorsi.

I am a lifelong Giants fan, as is my father, and as was his father. My nephew will be a lifelong Giants fan. When I have a son, he will also be a Giants fan. There has never been a game where we've missed a play and not sweated and bled with them. Our Giants. Your team.

And, although I understand that the game of football has many different tangibles, with games hinging on a lucky bounce of an oblong ball, I not only speak for my family but also for most Giants fans where I say that the game against the Titans was the most embarrassing and infuriating I've watched.

I understand that the team has experienced more than their fair share of injuries. And I get that the healthy players have to do double-duty because of it. And I'm fully aware that we play the most difficult schedule in football.

None of that is an excuse for the complete lack of effort and fire that I, my family and every Giants fan, watched in the second half against the Titans, a clearly inferior team. A team we had beaten and demoralized. A team we graciously let back into the game.

Being a Giants apologist, I can point to those factors and excuse those thirty minutes as a fluke. But that second half reminded me of the Jacksonville game. And the Seattle game. And the first three quarters of the Philadelphia game. You get the point. They all showed a complete lack of effort, which seems to be the personality this team has taken.

And, the worst part of it all is that I have no hope that it's something we can overcome. It is a virus that has taken over in the very fiber of the team that I love.

Your fans are not professional football players. We cannot do the things that they do. But we can expect that they do the things we can. Like playing the whole game. Finishing tackles. Finishing plays even. Caring. The small stuff that helps win games.

It's Plaxico Burress giving up on a play - yet again. How many times? It's Mathias Kiwanuka giving up on a sack. It's the offense playing without any urgency. It's placcid playcalling.

it's Jeremy Shockey looking like the only player on the field who actually cares.

And all that is inexcusable.

This is the first time I've contacted the team. I always had the assurances that your fathers would have taken the necessary steps to remedy this embarrassment. I hope you follow in their footsteps.

Thank you for your time.

A disgruntled Giants fan.

how when you give back to your peeps, they give back to you

i wrote a poem on yelp.com for a bar that i frequent called the 540 club.

it wasn't much of a poem. still, it is funny.

in fact, here it is:

$2 PBR.
i repeat, $2 PBR.
i don't care if a hungry alligator is tending the bar.
$2 PBR.

still, one of the bartenders drew it up and the owners made it into an ad. it's running in the san francisco bay guardian.

book piece.

how i dig gregg allman's friends

i saw "gregg allman and friends" last night at the grand in san francisco. the band's name confused me. i mean, there's the allman brothers band, but since duane allman died, it's really been just gregg allman and friends. so...i'm confused.

so i went there expecting dickey betts and warren haynes and butch and derek trucks, among others. but i got gregg allman and friends - different friends.

one of them was named jerry jemmott, who is an amazingly accomplished bassist and who, as gregg allman said, "would take days to list everyone he's played with". i also liked the fact that he's from staten island, new york. sweet.

another one of gregg allman's friends - although he only played harmonica for one song - was taylor hicks. i dig him. i think winning "american idol" was bad for him, mainly he's gonna be pigeonholed into something he's not. he's a legitimately talented dude who is much bigger than the label. and he did a helluva job on the harmonica - and he knew better not to sing when on stage with gregg allman. he wasn't gonna win that one.

they played a bunch of blues songs, a bunch of obscure gregg allman songs, dylan's "just like a woman", the grateful dead's "turn on your love light" and a bunch of allman brothers classics - like "melissa", "midnight rider", "whipping post" and the encore, "statesboro blues" - but reworked with a heavy dose of the blues. i mean, heavier than the blues-influenced southern rock they pioneered. great great stuff.

my point? check them out if they come to your town. really great stuff.

how i know i'm late on this

but "chad vader: day shift manager" is the funniest intentional humor i've seen on the web.

just really brilliant stuff.

here's episode 1, episode 2, episode 3 and episode 4.

i'm officially jealous.

of course, david cross covering bank of america covering u2 is pretty damn funny too.

how some things are just too sick to believe

and by sick, i'm referring to 5'9" nate robinson blocking a shot from 7'5" yao ming.

amazing.

how the nets are taking it to the knicks in all areas

it's bad enough that the best basketball team in the city plays in east rutherford. but now, they're taking even the unintentional comedy crown away from the clown princes of hoop.

yep, it appears that the nets are seeing the reign of isiah thomas and raising them with an all-seniors dance squad. like over-60 dance squad.

i gotta admit. that's funnier and much more painful than the marbury-francis backcourt.

touche, nets.

how i'm not sure how much this will help, but it'll at least be some sort of a voice

if you want to stand up to the latest in a long line of horrible decisions and moral ineptitude by the fox network and o.j. simpson, sign this petition started up by the goldman family, condemning not only the o.j. simpson interview but all the parties that will profit from it.

it's all disgusting, and everybody should be ashamed of themselves.

not that fox or o.j. had any shame left over.

this goes for you too, reganbooks/harpercollins.

how there's nothing as funny

as the bulletproof drive-thru window at the only 24-hour jack in the box in san francisco at two in the morning, with a line full of drunkards who aren't driving thru.

really, you have to experience it to believe it.

it's comedy at its finest.

how i spent my afternoon

finally, one of the world's finest parallel parkers has met his match.

use the four arrows on your keyboard, and the space bar for brake.

how i love november just for this

in the past twenty four hours, i've watched:
butler beat indiana
north carolina barely get by winthrop
oral roberts beat kansas

no other sport has the threat of an upset any greater than college basketball.

god, i love this.

how i hope for everyone's sake that ricky gervais or sasha baron cohen had something to do with this

there are certain checkpoints in your life where you need to evalute everything and say to yourself, "is this really what life is about? am i happy where my life is heading?"

and, it's at this checkpoint where, if you answer it wrongly, you get stuck singing something like this.

i threw up in my mouth. then i laughed the vomit out of my mouth.

it's the worst video i have ever seen, and the best video i have ever seen.

it works even better if you read the lyrics as you listen.

really, i can't see how anyone at bank of america thought this was a good idea. and i can't see how bono is not gonna strangle everyone over there and at mbma over this. i would, if i were him.

thank you, comedy gods.

how i didn't miss this show this time around

in the music section of my comcast on demand service is a channel called concert.tv where you can find selected concerts from artists.

i know. duh.

anyways, there's a concert from a year ago at the fillmore by a great band called my morning jacket. they are incredible live, especially when they begin to rock out. and this show completely captures that electricity.

for some reason, i missed that show. i don't know what i had going on that day, but it must have been important. but now i haven't, i've attended it, even though it's a year later. it's like i hopped into a delorean, ramped up the flux capacitor and attended a show i should have been at in the first place.

if you got it, check them out.

how the world has been taken beneath my feet

i've physically trained myself to automatically change the channel whenever i hear any of the fifteen thousand "this is our country" ads that come on during an nfl game. i'll usually find something worth watching in the meantime and set my remote so that channel is "last". i need to do that, so i don't throw my sofa through the nearest window. which i'm sure is not the response chevy was looking for.

anyways, while i'm watching the giants-bears game tonight, my alternate non "this is our country" channel was spike tv, which was showing a rocky marathon. i turned the channel during the second chevy ad during the fourth quarter, and it's the scene in "rocky III' when rocky's got nothing on the beach, where apollo tells him that he's lost it, and then adrian convinces him that it's okay to be afraid of clubber lang, that he's gotta do it for himself. and that turns the tide for rocky, as the best music score ever chimes in, and we're treated to a montage of rocky picking up his training. and although it looks superhuman, it's great stuff.

my point is that the scene culminates with rocky finally beating apollo in a foot race down the beach, and then they begin celebrating in the pacific ocean. they hug, and the tides' splashing around them, and it's in overcranked slo-mo, and the music hits a crescendo, and...well, i gotta say it, that i never realized how off the charts that scene is in the flamingly gay scale. in fact, it's the freddie mercury mustache of unintentionally gay scenes - almost topping when maverick and iceman hugged after fending back the migs in "top gun".

i've must have seen those rocky movies a million times each, and i never noticed how "fabulous" that scene was.

san francisco, san francisco.

how i just have six more months to go

although this trailer for "spiderman 3" doesn't grab me, i think it's safe to assume that with sam riami back to direct and alvin sargent writing the screenplay, that it should be just as amazingly fantastic and human as the first two were.

at least, that's how my spidey sense is tingling me.

how you best be filling out those TPS reports - or else

inspired by the heartwarming "shining", i give you the trailer for the horror classic, "office space".

how if the writer didn't realize it, and the owner didn't catch it, you would think the signmaker would have just corrected it

how i just had a personal first

do you know what the emergency broadcast system is used for?

you know, except for making loud noises and teasing me that this were just a test.

well, there was actually a emergency message last night, about a 6-year-old boy being abducted by gunpoint in fremont. that's some scary shit. they gave out a description of the man - who i think is his grandfather - what he's driving, what the license plate is, what he looks like and what to do.

it kinda really shook me up. they're supposed to be tests, not actually an emergency, especially one as awful as that. and i figured it'd be used for earthquakes and flooding and all that. you know, natural disasters. not something as inhumane as that.

in retrospect, i don't know why i would make a difference in my mind.

there's no joke here.

it just shook me up.

how the northeast has finally accepted college football

the rutgers-lousiville game was positively electric last night. and although i didn't go to the state university of new jersey, and although i grew up without really having a college football program to root for, and although i couldn't name one rutgers football player before this year, i really feel like a scarlet knight tonight.

what a game. and, more importantly, what a team.

that defense was suffocating against a strong louisville offense. and ray rice is one of the best running backs in the nation. great, great player. and it was completely touching when he was being interviewed after the biggest win in that region's college football history, and he just started crying in his mother's arms. wow. great stuff.

of course, rutgers doesn't have the heritage or budgets of a southeastern conference team. and they're probably not as good as those top teams with one loss. but the bcs is not about picking the best team. it's about picking the team that's having the best season. and rutgers is 9-0 and rising.

there's four unbeaten teams in the country, three after ohio state and michigan play, and two if you consider that the other is boise state. and that leaves rutgers, if they can close it out.

it would be a shame if they didn't get a chance to play for the national championship. their season would demand it.

but, at the very least, there's a major collge football program in the new york area. how cool is that?

how i think i found the next mr. britney spears

and, amazingly, he's an upgrade.

how text messaging will never be greater than this

here's a clip of kevin federline on muchmusic. and here's all the things i find funny about this:

1. him rapping
2. stupid teenage girls "awwing" as he talks about how he misses his kids
3. and again when he talks about the diamond he gave his wife
4. him telling everyone how his wife supports him

and, most importantly,

5. how he learned about his divorce from a text message.

now, i'm not cheering on divorce, but i am cheering how he got it.

and that it probably said "i devorsing you. brinty".

i think that's also how donald rumsfeld found out that the president has relieved him of his duties. except it probably said, "d-rum. your fired. g-dub."

how i'm going to sleep in a better america

and this is right after a riveting day watching the elections, flipping from msnbc to fox news to get reactions. and holy shit, did i get reactions.

from chris matthews barely being able to hide his smile to shepherd smith visibly pissed off, from keith olbermann smarkily remarking to every democratic victory to pat buchanan spewing horrible and insane venom with every republican loss, it was a thesis paper in the political landscape of today - battle and belittling at every step.

fox news, especially, was a comedy show. it was worth it just to see them urging the democrats to look forward and not in the past. which is typical, hypocritical and borderline hilarious. and that's when they weren't belittling nancy pelosi at every chance.

and msnbc was parading every democrat winner they could find, as they preached that their win was punctuated by a new voice, an independent view, iraq, and on and on.

which, of course, is bullshit.

let's get this straight. i still don't have any idea what a democrat stands for nowadays. i wish i did. i'm listening, but not hearing a word.

today's sweep is an indictment of the completely incompetent presidential administration, and the spineless idiots in congress that supported and encouraged it all.

this is bush's loss more than the democrat's gain.

so simple to see, so simple to see.

but it's a new day now, and when i awake, the democrats should also be in charge of the senate as well as the house, and just by being an opposition, the country is much for the better. recently, rhetoric has gotten in the way of the reality, that being an obstructionist is a very good thing nowadays. and it is a very good thing. and whether these days lead to subpoenas and investigations, accountability and questioning, it will all be for the better, just because those things have been absent.

i love my country, but sometimes, i'm embarrassed by it. today is not one of those days. people got out and had their voices heard, and they're not happy and they want change. that's a very good thing, no matter your party.

welcome back, checks and balances.

your dreams are our ticket out.

how to question the musical taste of three hundred people and a historic venue

seriously, at what point did the venerable and historic webster hall in new york think this was a good idea? and how about the jackasses who actually paid for it and showed up?

well done.

at least webster hall can now link julie andrews, elvis presley, tony bennett, ray charles, harry belafonte, frank sinatra, tina turner, eric clapton, prince, sting, kiss, b.b. king, guns n' roses, madonna, mick jagger and, most recently, nelly, duran duran, franz ferdinand, alicia keys and prince to this talentless clown boy.

again, well done.

how politics as usual is just the usual bullshit

first off, i'm hoping for a huge democrat landslide tomorrow. not that i'm a democrat, but that i believe that the country runs best when the president is of one party and congress is of another. that way, the partisan crap is killed, and the only things that are passed are what's good for the country. you know, small little ideas called checks and balances and compromises. they're only what this country was built on. that's all.

but we're so into labels nowadays, so into pigeonholing people, so into voting a team than voting your country, that politicians and commentators are treating and talking to the citizens of this country as if they are sheep.

for example: the race in missouri. it's close between the democrat and republican. but they mentioned that the one thing that's on the ballot that might bring democrats to the voting booth is that the democrat believes in stem cell research.

it's an idiotic comment based in the divisive nature of the country we now live in.

stopping stem cell research would seem like government interference, right? and isn't republican values supposedly in line for limiting interference like that? that's the basis for the whole party, ain't it? so wouldn't that bring republicans out, too?

oh, wait, stem cell research is a religious issue, right? and religion is a republican stronghold. because, beyond the whole alliteration thing, it's safe to assume that there are no atheists in the republican party, right? and that there are no religious people who are democrats, yes? because political parties are determined about faith issues, like taxes, yes?

isn't taxes a religious belief? oh no. religion isn't taxed in this country. i forgot.

but that brings me to this: why should your political leanings be influenced by your personal leanings? it doesn't. it shouldn't. political parties represent politics. they are not religious parties.

but now the word republican is slang for "down with jesus" and democrat is slang for "hedonists". and neither is true or intended. in fact, if you look at the history of the parties, what they stand for is the exact opposite of what they are today. democratic leanings throughout history is firmly entrenched in doing things that jesus would have done, like helping the poor and other social services. and republican leanings, throughout history, is firmly in the camp of leaving you alone to do what you want. you know, something like hedonism.

but those are just practices. we deal with words.

like our republican president, who claims he's religious, but has he done anything that jesus would be proud of? and we have democrats who are too spineless to stand up for the people they should, like the poor and the middle class. it's all about pandering for votes and emotions, and so little to do with actions and intentions.

i guess what i'm saying is that reality has given way for rhetoric.

and that's the biggest shame of it all.

how i'm really looking forward to this (also: how i'm releasing my inner geek)

in a couple of weeks, we're gonna be treated to a worldwide release of "superman II: the richard donner cut". that's the great one with the phantom zone, and supposedly it's completely different than the richard lester version that we've all grown to know and love.

to be honest, lester's "superman" is much like his "a hard day's night", a whimsy, fast-paced music video of a film. not that it's bad - in fact, i loved his version - but it's much different than its donner's prequel, which is shot exactly how a comic book is read, with pastoral shots of americana. you know, the essense of superman.

buta fter donner shot most of "superman II', he was fired and lester hired. and lester, who wasn't a superman fan, reshot most of the movie. the tones were very very different.

they lost donner's negatives until recently, when they were found in a pile.

and now, it's been edited and being released.

how cool is that?

we'll see.

how to write my first post this season where i bitch about the knicks

observations through three games:

jamal crawford and nate rob just aren’t gonna pass the ball to eddy curry into the post. they just are not. so, if that’s the case, and since at that point, curry’s not gonna add anything offensively along with his usual nothing on the boards and on D, well, why not play david lee or kelvin cato in the five spot? they'll at least supply those two dimensions to complement the selfish chucking from the perimeter.

it just blows me away how inconsequential curry is when they’re in the game. it’s all drive and dish without regard to the bug guy in the post. in fact, it’s frustrating. the team stagnates in the halfcourt when he’s not touching the ball. he is unstoppable when he's got the ball down low. unstoppable. it's obvious to everyone - fans, opponents, coaches, even people who don't give a shit. unfortunately, the only ones who don't notice it are employed in the knicks' backcourt.

also, the best team the knicks could put on the floor (when all are healthy) is marbury (or francis - no difference), richardson, jeffries, lee and curry.

but i'm not isiah, so what do i know?

yes, that was sarcastic.

how i was gonna write a review for "borat"

but i decided that you just have to laugh your ass off yourself, and then, we'll talk about it.

that is, you know, if you can find it. and that's gotta be embarassing for fox, to have a monster hit with, like, three empty seats nationwide, and limiting the places where you can see it. well thought out plan there. well played.

chequi!

how i'm not a penn state fan

but it's pretty impossible to not be a fan of joe pa.

that's why his knee injury looked horrifying - not just because of the hyperextension from one of his players rolling into him, but because he's a national treasure that you can't help yourself to admire and adore, and his games are numbered as is, and that doesn't help. it doesn't help. even if he were fifty years younger.

get well, joe pa.

hope to see you on the sideline soon.

how i'm gonna miss youtube once the lawsuits come raining down

we better live it up now before it goes away. of course, idiotic television networks and movie studios would rather it disappear to protect their precious copyrighted material rather than figure out a way to use this whole new medium to their advantage.

hopefully, google will protect it.

we'll see about that.

anyways, the biggest shame is that we'll miss amazing stuff like this brilliantly done mockumentary about the tryouts for an intramural basketball team. here's part one, part two and part three.

it's really great stuff, really well done. christopher guest would be proud.

how i've found the most amazing dryer ever

i go to the laundromat across the street from my apartment, the one right next to the laundromat (i'm not making that up). anyways, i've sorta bonded with two specific washers and one specific dryer. i know them, they know me. i trust that they will clean my clothes and, an hour later, i'll come by and pick up some dry clothes.

i know these are just machines, but this is how i live my life.

anyways, my dryer was broken today. so i had to use another one.

and it was the most magical dryer ever.

i came back to the laundromat to pick up my clothes. i reached it and my clothes were scalding hot. like magma hot. as i reached into the dryer for more of my clothes, i realized that some of them were a little moist. that's okay. happens.

i lugged them back to my apartment, and as i began to sort them out, i realized that some of them could not be any hotter, and a large number of my clothes were drenched. soaked. as if i just took them out of the washer and brought them home. i could have wrung them.

as if they were completely ignored.

and yet, some were so hot that i swore it might have been on fire at some point.

it makes no sense. how could some be so hot and others so wet? they're in the same place. that doesn't make sense. it's all in a bundle, right? they all tumble together, right?

then i figured it out, and it completely blew my mind.

the dryer i used, my substitute dryer, only dries one item at a time. which means that it dried half my clothes and it didn't get to the rest of them.

that's the only reasonable expectation, despite how unreasonable that might sound. how does a dryer do that i ask? how do it only dry one item at a time? that's silly, steve, besides your hot and drenched evidence.

it's a magical dryer.

trust me on this one.

how i wouldn't know how to write this one up either

police. nudity. el cerrito BART station. tree stump. masturbating.

let those elements linger around in your head.

now add in the fact that i'm leaving out the weird part of this news story, and this one is gonna be talked about at police barbeques forever.

how you gotta hand it to atlanta for setting a new low in professional sports

i'm watching the knicks play the hawks in atlanta. it's their home debut for this season. and hawks have gone all out. they had a laser light show, cheerleaders, a drumline and a video package for their new tagline for the season - "the highlight factory".

and, in what i thought was a really nice touch, they had the players come down from the stands, step by step, to show with the fans that they were one with them, and they're gonna represent them this season.

sounds great, right?

well, whoops.

in what was hilarious and embarassing at the same time, the players made their way down to the court, step by step, through rows and rows of empty seats. a whole section empty. and it wasn't just that section. it was everywhere.

i can honestly say there were more cheerleaders lined up than there were actual fans.

i'm guessing no more than 15 fans. tops. for the season opener for their professional basketball team.

it was, in two words, purely atlanta.

how i would jump on this opportunity if i were borderline retarded

Good Day,

It is understandable that you might be a little bit apprehensive because you do not know me but I have a lucrative business proposal of mutual interest to share with you.

Let me start by introducing myself. I am Mr. Chen Guangyuan operations manager of the Bank of China (Hong Kong), I have a Business proposal of about $17,300,000.00 for you to handle with me from my bank. I will need you to help me in transferring the above funds from Hong Kong to your country. I want to know if you will be able to handle this with me before I give you more details.

Should you be interested please send me your:
1,Full names,
2,Occupation,
3,Private phone number,
4,Current residential address.

Finally after that I shall furnish you with more information about this project. However I shall be waiting your response and assurance. Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated.
Kind Regards,
Mr.Chen Guangyuan.

how anything can be exciting and amazing - seriously

fresh off my healthy addiction to the dramatic and ultracompetitive spelling bee championships, i can home from the gym today to find on espn2, i shit you not, the world speed stacking championships.

trust me. stacking cups does in no way sound cool until you see someone do it at an incredible speed. and then when you realize how young they are, well, it's staggering. it's really cool to watch, kinda like an illusion in front of your eyes.

seriously. this ain't a joke.

how i thought my ears were fooling me on david letterman

but, thanks to the internet, i'm able to find out what the actual lyrics are to lady soveriegn's "love me or hate me" and i can't believe that cbs didn't, you know, bleep out the extremely obvious "f word" on the west coast feed. not that i minded it, but it's one of those shocking things, especially out here on the west coast, where we not only have a seven second delay but also a three hour wait.

i feel like one of those grumpy meida watchdogs. i'm not. just shocking.

so janet jackson can't pop a nipple, but lady soveriegn can rap an f? is that where this country has netted out? i just want to know for my own peace of mind.

my nipples are sad, but my salty tongue is ecstatic.

how it was once good to be a mustachioed new york first baseman

i didn't really get the point of this short film, but it's got keith hernandez, mustaches, blow and the '86 mets, and it's actually very well edited. and there's enough snide remarks in it to make you laugh enough.

worth ten minutes of your time.

how i'm making an addendum to the post below this one

no matter who wins in 2008, this idiot should be vice president.

in fact, this country will demand it.

how i still can't get over our country in 2004

of course i can't let john kerry's ridiculous botched joke go by without a comment. it's yet another in a long line of botchisms, one which he should be incredibly ashamed of, one of which we all understand what he was trying to say but didn't and therefore is wrong, wrong, wrong without any sort of sympathy. what came out was, well, awful. he should apologize his ass off.

and, of course, we're exactly where we've been for the past four years: people taking the words of a pundit or a politician as more offensive than the actions of this administration. and that never fails to amaze and disgust me.

simply pit, it's all about an idiot who botched a joke about another idiot.

and that brings me to this: in 2004, could we have found two more incompetent people in this country to run for president?

i mean, we should be commended for our amazing prescience in finding the two biggest idiots we could find, and having to choose between them. the shame of it is that they were competing for the most important job in the country - one, i'm assuming, we all could have done better at.

i can't wait for the 2008 election which, i predict, will be between jessica simpson and isiah thomas.

how i'm making this statement loud and clear and i challenge anyone to question me

after yet another success story this morning at borders books, i think it is fair to say that i have to be, without a shadow of a doubt, among the top 1% of people in the world who can catch things before they accidentally fall to the floor. specifically, pencils off a table.

nobody can touch me on this. and if you step to me, prepare to bow to me.

this i decree.

how i would think it would be funny

that since halloween is really an excuse for women to dress slutty (as in "slutty cat" outfit or "slutty butterfly" outfit or even "slutty nurse" outfit), that it might be funny to walk up to any woman walking around downtown today and say, "hey! i get it! you're a slutty lawyer today!" or "hey! you're a slutty account executive today, right?" and see what happens.

of course, i said it would be funny. no way in hell am i gonna do it.

maybe i'll save it for a screenplay.

i should be getting e-mails for this one.

how to do the best video dumping post ever

here's three of my favorite things: borat on "saturday night live",the trailer for new season of "24" and parts 1, 2 and 3 of the newest "south park" episode where satan throws a halloween party and, well, steve irwin is involved.

yep, best post ever.

how creativity never ceases to amaze me

here's one of the coolest things on youtube and it was concepted and written by a guy i met years ago through my friend kathy. it's really great stuff and worth three minutes of your time.

how i'm an idiot for not tempering my expectations

i finally really explored ms. dewey on a fast computer and internet connection, and i gotta say that there's so little of what heather and i wrote for her character that she almost seems like a complete stranger.

so far, i've found only these four prompts that you can type in and see what we wrote:
Reality TV
San Francisco
Tabloids
South

and that's it. everything else was dumbed down, lamed out and, honestly, rarely funny - and not really worth spending time with past the fact that they hired a pretty hot chick to play her. it was someone's good idea that got dulled down somewhere, probably by the client.

hopefully by the client.

and so is the way with advertising.

how i wasn't gonna buy a chevy truck anyway

this is what i really hear when john chevy mellancamp's "this is our country" comes on, which is once every 17.8 seconds:

I can stand beside
Things I think are right
And I can stand beside
The new Chevy truck line
And I do believe
You can't escape our grasp
This is our ad campaign

From the east coast
To the west coast
Down the Dixie Highway
On every channel
This is our ad campaign

There's room enough here
To hear this song again
And there's room enough here
To overstuff our media plan
And try to understand
We need your dough
This is our ad campaign

From NBC
To CBS
Down Fox and ABC
Non stop
This is our ad campaign

how i'm completely flummoxed about this

can someone please explain to me why some restaurants have a nice chair in the bathroom? you know, so there's the toilet for you and also a chair, i guess, for someone else? has it ever happened to anyone where someone else's assistance was needed while taking a crap? is it for someone to read to you while you squeeze one out?

or is this some sort of sick fetish that's catching on?

someone help me on this.

how a great book doesn't necessarily make for a great movie

"flags of our fathers"
starring ryan phillippe, adam beach, barry pepper and others
written by paul haggis and william broyles jr.
directed by clint eastwood
viewed at the amc van ness 1000, san francisco, ca

it is very difficult to make a great movie from a great book, but it can be done. namely, the ones that work take the human truth and the essense of the plot and tell it in a completely different way. i'm not talking about changing the story, but changing the way it's told. books are meant for a certain audience. films, another. and most times, they don't match up without some tweaking.

"flags of our fathers" is an amazing book that tells a great story. what made it unique was that it was essentially a research paper of the author finding out all about his father's military exploits on iwo jima and his dealing with the guilt of being labeled a "hero" afterwards. this movie does the same thing.

and, to me, it doesn't totally work.

there's brilliance in this movie. the scenes at iwo jima and the war bonds tour afterwards are just magical stuff. they're compelling and intelligent and moving. in fact, had the whole movie been in that same vein, we'd be talking oscar.

but the problem is that the other half of the movie is about the author finding all this stuff out and writing a book about it. which doesn't make sense or is even slightly compelling, just because it's a movie. the "writing a book" part is nonsensical and gets in the way. it gets in the way. it becomes a research paper. that doesn't make for cinema magic.

and still, i really enjoyed the movie. as usual for an eastwood movie, the acting was great and the directing and cinematography smart and elegant. but i didn't leave thinking it was a great movie, feeling it was a great movie, knowing it was a great movie.

all because something got in the way.

how it really did go full circle

check out the comments box in the post just below this one, for "how irony can be so damn ironic sometimes" .

ironictastical.

how irony can be so damn ironic sometimes

here's a link to website for a search engine for msn.

and here's a link to a critique about it on forbes.com.

what if i told you that i was a writer on some of her funny responses? (i need to get a quicker connection and a list of what i wrote to find what i contributed to it, although most of what my friend heather and i wrote might be a little too racy for a corporate computing company based in a suburb of seattle)

and what if i told you that the critiquer was a cowriter and friend of mine at the stony brook press while in college?

and what if i told you that, when writing for the press, i would hand my articles into dave and he would critique them?

and what if i told you that, like now, he usually liked what i did.

ten years laer, and it's all over again. except we're bpth getting paid for it.

how to sum up the world series in one statement

if rain falls in st. louis during game four of the world series, does anybody really give a shit?

i sure don't.

how to listen to howard for free

just click here and follow the directions to listen to howard stern on sirius for free through your computer all day only on wednesday and thursday.

here's what's gonna be on:

Special guests including The Who's Pete Townshend, Sharon Osbourne, and Danny Bonaduce.

The Gary Dell'Abate Roast, when Colin Quinn, Reverend Bob Levy, Lisa Lampanelli, Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling and a cast of others will all roast "Baba Booey."

Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling is back on the Howard Stern channels with Jackie's Joke Hunt, laughing through the best comedy on radio.

hey, howard helped to raise me, and he still wakes me up every morning. anything i can do to help.

enjoy.

how i was almost had

i spent last night catching up on all the episodes of "friday night lights", which blows my mind with how high the production value is. i mean, you can watch an episode of "24" and figure out how they cover a scene and still make it look fantastic. but "friday night lights" is just, well, it's so frenetically cut from shots from so many different angles and erratic (but perfect) camera movements that each episode blows my mind. it's exhausting, really.

anyways, i'm completely engrossed into the story, which isn't as much of a series of plotlines as much as it a capsule of high school football in texas. think storytelling much like "the sopranos", but substitute barbeque for lasagna. and the writing is dead on, the acting is fantastic, and you're completely living within the made-up football-mad town of dillon, texas.

i'm totally on board - except they just introduced a love story between the cheerleader and girlfriend of the just-paralyzed star quarterback, and his best friend, the fullback, who's having trouble dealing with the sudden injury. hell, typing that out reeks of "the o.c." and "gilmore girls" and all that crap. and it doesn't help that the actors who play them are right out of their casting tapes (and, i gotta admit, she's stunningly gorgeous, although these photos don't do her justice as when she's lyla gerrity).

anyways, it's losing me - just because it could so easily go that route when instead, it could be groundbreaking in so many ways.

by the way, here's network idiocy for you: they're thinking about moving the show to friday nights, thereby losing any confusion when the show airs. it's on tuesday nights right now. yep, "friday night lights" is on tuesday. and i gotta say, that's the death knell of the show.

the people who watch this show, the fan base, are not gonna stay home to watch "friday night lights" on friday nights . they're gonna be watching their alma mater play high school football. yep, the real thing.

the smartest idea would have been to premiere the show on friday nights, but after football season was over. that way it could act as a continuation for the season that just ended. you know, give high school football fans, which is what, the majority of the country, something to latch onto in an effort to fill the void until next season.

that would have been smart. now, they're screwing themselves by forcing the fan base to not watch their show. smart.

btw, i typed this whole entry while listening to my morning jacket cover "take my breath away", complete with the actual audio track from "top gun" when goose dies. it's actually a great version of it. download it if you get a chance. it's on their album called "clz learning" with covers of "west end girls" and "dream a little dream".

how i'm sure this is exactly how it happened

there's a lot of crap on youtube. but sometimes, you'll come across something that doesn't suck and it's quite pleasant.

especially when it's tinged with walken and pacino.

hoorah.

also, check this out if you have 17 spare seconds for awesomeness.

how if you're stoned, you really shouldn't sit next to a writer

this is an actual conversation by a couple who were stoned out of their minds and sat next to me in a theater before we all watched "the departed".

man: "hey, did you know our governator was in, like, a whole bunch of movies with jesse ventura, who was also a governator. yeah. there was one movie, 'total recall', where they were friends and they were fighting this animal, but then they got turned on each other and then fought each other, but, no, wait, that was 'predator'. they fought each other in 'predator'. anyways, they were probably talking back stage about being governers and shit."

woman: "how about 'running man'?"

man: "oh, yeah, you should see that too. ventura was great in that."

woman: "rad".

okay, for the record...
jesse and arnold were commandos fighting the evil monster in "predator". they did fight against each other in "running man". and jesse wasn't in "total recall".

marijuana is a wonderful drug.

how a very unfortunate streak should probably end this year

"the departed"
starring matt damon, leonardo dicaprio, jack nicholson, mark walhberg, alec baldwin and vera farmiga
written by william monahan
directed by martin scorcese
viewed at amc 1000 van ness, san francisco, ca

in any article written about martin scorcese, you'll read how he's the victim of the injustice of never winning an academy award. and yes, it's not right that he hasn't won one, but it's not an injustice. he's just barely lost out to better films.

anyways, although it's still october, i highly doubt i'll see a better movie this year than "the departed". and since directing nods usually go the way of whoever wins best picture, then he probably should get the speech ready.

i haven't seen "infernal affairs", which is the original chinese movie, but i can't imagine how much better that could be than this - if it is at all. it's just a tense, taut, highly stylized, well crafted, well acted, well written and masterfully directed film that doesn't relent from the first minute to the last. i mean, it's completely exhausting. and you're one step ahead of them, and then one step behind. you're completely involved, and then taken aback. all this, with suspense and humor.

as for the acting, matt damon is quickly becoming one of our finest actors. dicaprio is physically miscast in these roles, but he's a really good actor. nicholson is nicholson. baldwin and wahlberg do their best to steal the movie, and they're hilarious in doing so. and vera farmiga made a whole audience fall in love with her.

but the star here is scorcese, who made a "goodfellas" movie that's nothing like it. i mean. "goodfellas" is great, but because it's been ripped off over and over again (even by scorcese with "casino"), it's become a cliche. mafia guys in neighborhood. voiceovers talking about what they're thinking. soundtrack featuring doo-wop songs from the 50s and pertinent rock songs to frame the passage of time. and the same actors playing the same roles, but with different names. the whole thing is tired.

but scorcese just changed all that. the editing is fast paced. the music is there to set a mood. the sound design keeps your nerves on edge. and the story is told through actions and not through voiceovers. it's a tremendous achievement of storytelling by an american master.

can i say any more about this film?

how you can expect nothing less from less than nothing

this morning, i got messages of condolences from friends of mine, fans of the red sox, a's, giants, tigers and even a braves fan. they'd all been where i am right now, and it sucks. and from one fan to another, hang in there.

much obliged. and i sent them the same e-mail when they had lost at some point.

but i got e-mails from yankee fans who couldn't help themselves. taunting. obnoxious. rude. you know, exactly what to expect from the most classless fan base in the world. fans who have no idea of the world around them. fans who are spoiled beyond belief. fans with no sense of sport.

yankee fans.

idiotic blowhards.

really truly idiotic.

you know, a smart yankee fan wouldn't have said anything because it gives legitimacy to the mets and the accomplishment of making it that far. and it points out that the yanks, of course, didn't. and it makes whatever they say reek of jealousy.

and a smart yankee fan wouldn't have said anything about the mets being beaten in the second round by a "terrible" cardinals team because a mets fan can turn around and say that the yanks got blown out in the first round by the tigers, a team that finished an even worse 19-34 down the stretch. and got swept by the kansas city royals right beforehand.

and a smart yankee fan would try to hold themselves in the classy and respectful manner becoming of the proud faces of their franchise - you know, jeter, bernie, posada and mariano - instead of being a loud hypocritical jealous blowhard. you know, like sheffield. or the big unit. or farnsworth. or, hell, clemens.

and a smart yankee fan would look at their own roster, full of aging, overpaid and fragile ballplayers with unmoveable contracts, with no prospects to trade, with posada, mariano and bernie on the downsides of their careers, with four superstrong teams in the AL central, with the red sox taking a step back to take a step forward, with still no pitching and none available, with the idea of trading a-rod and knowing he's gonna kill them in the playoffs at some point, and would look at the mets young base of players, with all the young power arms about to hit the roster, with floyd's contract coming off the books, with minaya's knack of finding role players who play big roles, and with a tepid national league, and would probably hold his tongue, because the shift in power might have already started.

that's what a smart yankee fan would have done. said nothing.

but, of course, there are no smart yankee fans.

so my theory is wrong.

how maybe i'll wake up a little less heartbroken

but after that game seven, losing with our best player at the plate, well, i wouldn't bet on it.

this is gonna take a whole lotta mending.

signing barry zito would help the process.

how it's five minutes before game time

an my nerves are shot, my adrenaline is racing and i can't bear to watch.

my hardwood floor is preparing for miles of me pacing back and forth. my sweat glands are all geared up. and my fingers and my eyes are soon to become intimate partners.

my butterflies have butterflies.

game sevens. gotta love them.

let's go mets.

how i wish i were in the boardroom

when papa john's pizzeria first heard the idea from their agency for their new killer ad campaign - "things that make you go mmmm".

but since i wasn't, i'll recreate it here:

agency guy: "so we're going to show action shots of people really enjoying their papa john's pizza, especially with pepperoni, and over the montage, we'll be playing, now catch this, a fresh jingle called 'things that make you go mmmm.'"

client: "things that make you go mmmm? that sounds vaguely familiar."

agency guy: "you might remember a song called 'things that make you go hmmm' by this hip-hop rapping band called dj jazzy jeff and the fresh prince. it was popular years ago but today, it's still as fresh and relevant as ever."

client: "fresh and relevant? just like our pizza. i like it. what's my demographic? someone get me my demographic!"

agency account guy: "what we're trying to do is to tap into the urban market, and by making a version of that rap classic, we're telling the urban market that papa john's pizza knows them and gets them and that they should order from us."

client: "it makes us edgy, yes?"

agency guy: "the edgiest of all pizza chains".

client: "you are all creative geniuses. i applaud your artistry. and tell me, what has happened to this fresh prince character?"

agency guy: "he's probably in jail for a drug possession charge with ten kids!"

everyone laughs in unison.

end scene.

scarily, i probably ain't too far from the truth. and yes, i know who actually sang it.