how i'm trying to find the perfect analogy

i'm just about to get over the worst cold i've had in years. incessant coughing and sneezing, sometimes at once, clogged nose, nice warm fevers, lack of sleep - you name it, i had it and it never stopped. i'm over it now, but i feel like i need to name this illness in a tribute to its veracity.

one of my favorite bits from "late night with conan o'brien" was when he did fake ads, and he had a flier for a box of envelopes that was being sold for 99 cents. and there was tiny copy in the corner of the ad that read, "it's the aiden quinn of envelopes".

that's one of mjy favorite bits of all time. i mean, aiden quinn? can you get any more nondescript? and giving envelopes an analogy like that is brilliant.

so i've stolen that bit for my own. it's been about three years now. i'm good at it.

for this cold, however, i need to hanker down, and i've narrowed it down to a bunch of different car wrecks to equate it to. i'm looking for opinions.

it's the rex grossman of upper respiratory ailments.
it's the gavin newsom of upper respiratory ailments.
it's the jennifer wilbanks of upper respiratory ailments.
it's the britney spears' vagina of upper respiratory ailments.
it's the cincinnati bengals of upper respiratory ailments.
iit's the graem bauer of upper respiratory ailments.
it's the paula abdul of upper respiratory ailments.
it's the dubya of upper respiratory ailments.
it's the lisa marie nowak of upper respiratory ailments.

like i wasn't gonna go there.