how to do some armchair rankings

each year, an entire nation awaits with baited breath for the super bowl commercials. and each year, they are incredibly underwhelming. and next year, nobody remembers. did this year continue advertising's streak of high-priced crapola? let me be the judge. hell, my opinion's probably more qualified than anyone else that you'll read.

the best

none worthy.

the great

snickers' "kiss" - uncomfortable. funny and with an unpredictable ending that involves the violence from ripping out of chest hairs. they were just a midget and a monkey away from perfection.

emerald nuts "robert goulet" - speaking of, i'm beginning to think that some b-list actors and celebrities are the new monkeys and midgets. first bruce campbell with old spice, and now goulet brings the funny. nice job here. that doesn't mean that mario lopez would work. it's only some b-listers. it's a fine line. trust me on this one.

coke's "great day" - although it's an oldie, i still think putting a spin on the violence of video games like "grand theft auto" and turning it into making the world better is such a great idea - even with a flimsy connection to coke. but that's just it. it's coke. it doesn't matter. why make a point?

hp's "teutels" - okay, i'm a little biased here, but they're still the most visually arresting ads on the air. it's a little different - the hands have been replaced by handlebars - but, well, the campaign's gotta evolve. {asskissing} great job to steve, mckay, goldie and the gang. {/asskissing}

nfl.com's "it's hard to say goodbye" - then again, it's hard to do a bad ad for the nfl. but the last shot of brett favre was just great with the line, "for some, it's harder". damn funny.

the good/tolerable

budweiser's "rodeo wedding" - good idea, nicely executed, but the same ole predictable frat boy humor they always do, nonstop. still, that campaign is better than most crap you see on the air. sadly.

bud's "dalmation" spot - obvious. shmaltzy. repetitious. and will probably be on the top of everyone's list. enough already, america. raise the bar. bring it, bob garfield. i can just smell you creaming yourself over that one.

career builder's "survive the workweek" - really strong idea that was missing something. i don't know what. it just fell really flat. it's a shame because the strategy was strong.

the what the hell was that?

garmin's "godzilla" ripoff - i mean, i get it, and it was bizarre, i guess, and it might have had a point in there, somewhere, i guess, but...ummm, come again?

the terrible

nationwide's "k-fed" - for the record, this would have been hilarious and the spot of the night if they didn't advertise the ending of the thing a month in advance. you can't have an effective setup if you tell everyone in the entire universe what the punchline is. a monumentously blown opportunity, especially for the media buy.

chevy's sing along - you know a commercial is wholeheartedly terrible when they actually had me longing for "this is our country".

the worst

anything that had talking animals. that idea jumped the shark seventeen years ago. and those sharks haven't said a word since then.

gm's "machine suicide" - just to recap, a machine on the assembly line is fired, so it jumps off a bridge. but it's a nightmare, you see, because it's obsessed with quality. well, considering the massive layoffs that just happened at gm, and the probability that there were suicides because of it, bringing that memory back - even for a machine - is just in incredibly poor taste. and when you consider that one of the coaches involved in the game had a child kill himself next year, well, there's two reasons not to air it. especially when there's such a flimsy attachment to a crappy strategy. poor form all around. seriously, inhumane shit like that makes me ashamed to be in advertising. and on top of that, it was a much better ad when ikea and spike jonze did it five years ago.

btw, the best line i read on my whole day of live blogging on deadspin was "Grossman probably feels like that GM robot right about now." funny stuff.

and one last sidebar: i usually hate it when they force people to rush towards the makeshift stage during halftime shows, but holy crap, it's prince. and that perofrmance was bad ass. seriously, it's america's game, it's man day, and it takes a somewhat androgynous purple-loving tiny rock star who shredding a guitar like it killed his mother to completely rock out. god bless you, prince.

colts win, but the game goes to the blouses.