Wednesday, February 07, 2007

how to break down the junk mail

every so often, i check my junk mail. and once awhile in that every so often, i break it down. they're in italics, i'm in reality:

Dear Friend,

do i know you?

My name is Steve Terry, I am an artist with my wife mary steve,We own CREATIVE ARTS AND CRAFTS in London,(United Kingdom)I live in London United Kingdom, with my two kids, four cats, one dog and the love of my life my wife mary steve.

my condolences to you and yours over the death of barbaro.

I have been doing artwork since I was a small child That gives me about 23 years of experience

i've been flushing a toilet since i was a small child. that gives me 31 years of experience. that doesn't make me a plumber.

I majored in art in high school and took a few college art courses

well, in high school, i majored in thinking about having sex with girls. and i took some art classes too. but i wouldn't have admitted that until you admitted.

why? because it's not worth admitting.

btw, art classes in high school were taught by the hippy chick who probably had a "thing" going with the assistant dean. or were doing it with 15 year olds.

but not the 15 year olds who admitted to majoring in art in high school.

Most of my work is done in either pencil or art brush mixed with color pencils. I have recently added designing and creating artwork on the computer, I have been selling my art for the last 3 years and have had my work featured on trading cards, prints and in magazines, I have sold in galleries and to private collectors from all around the world.

damn, i stand corrected. you are a plumber.

I am always facing serious difficulties when it comes to selling my art works to Americans, they are always offering to pay with either MONEY ORDER OR CHECKS, which is difficult for me to cash here in London United Kingdom.

yes, i can see where the problem lies. of course, the rest of the world residing in the year 2007 doesn't have this problem. but that doesn't concern you. but then again, you have two kids, four cats, a dog and a wife named mary steve to take care of. things like credit cards and paypals cannot be trusted. if only the internets can transfer gold, frankinsense and myrrh. and handshakes.

keep in mind that i said this before. it was to an underground nigerian prince escaping from the government.

so now you're lumped in with him.

congrats.

I am looking for a representative in the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA who will be working for me as a par time worker and i will be willing to pay 10% for every transaction,

not just the united states of america. we're talking about the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. that's top of the lungs, for everyone who didn't hear him in lower case.

which wouldn't affect your present state of work, someone who would help me receive payments from my customers in the states, I mean someone that is responsible and reliable, because the cost of coming to the state and getting payments is very expensive,

there was once a man named ben franklin. many in scranton believe that he was the best president of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. he built a thing called the post office which delivers a thing called mail, or enveloped letters, from one person to another. this could also include artwork. he did this so people in the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA can communicate with each other without stopping their lives. it's an amazing concept, and guess what? it was developed in the late 18th century. it is now the 21st century. you should look it up. in fact, here's the wikipedia entry for it. wow. that was easy.

I am working on setting up a branch in the state, so for now i need a representative in the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA who will be handling the payment aspect for our company.

does this require the use of me wearing a trenchcoat and setting up clandestine and secretive meetings with money order wielding art freaks in dark alleyways? i'm only asking that because that's what i wore when i did the same thing for the nigerian prince.

ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS RECEIVE THIS PAYMENTS FROM OUR CLIENTS ON BEHALFOF OUR COMPANY IN THE UNITED STATES, GET IT CASHED IMMIDIATLY WITHOUT DEPOSITION THEN DEDUCT YOUR WEEKLY PAY AND FOWARD THE BALANCE TO THE COMPANY DOWN HERE VIA WESTERN UNION/MONEY GRAM MONEY TRANSFER.

immidiately? thank god you didn't mean immediately. that would have sucked.

But the problem i have is trust,

really? that's your problem? that's as far as you're gonna go? i barely know you past this junk e-mail you sent me, and i'm not a psychiatrist, but let's break you down.
1. you have four cats, a dog, two kids and a wife named mary steve, and you're just 23 years old. so you're just beginning the downward spiral.
2. you make crappy artwork.
3. you have no idea how to set up a paypal account for internet transfers.
4. you e-mailed me.
5. the horny hippy art teacher in high school didn't have a thing for you.
6. i've lumped you in a group with underground nigerian princes.
7. you have a tendency to scream when you talk about my country.

trust is the last thing you should be worrying about.

i have made arrangement with the FBI in Washington,that if anybody gets away with my money they will definately get hold with the person,and the person will go to JAIL for LOOTING my funds , you are to receive the PAYMENT which will be sent to you by the FEDEX or UPS from my clients, which would come in form of a MONEY ORDER OR CASHER'S CHEQUE then you are to cash it and deduct your percentage and WESTERN UNION Charges then wire the rest back to us via WESTERN UNION OR MONEY GRAM.NOTE: All charges of the WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER will be deducted from the money, so you are rest assured that you would not spend a dime out of your personal money. If you are interested, please get back to me as soon as possible via above email.

i'm glad that the fbi is concerned for the transfer of a british man's artwork and not for other things that would be of interest to the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

like national security.

and astronaut love.

Please send to me the listed information below: 1.Full Name 2.Full Address 3.City 4. State 5. Phone Number 6.Age 7.Gender

i'll send it to you immidiately.

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