how this is as corny...(puts on sunglasses)...as a farm in nebraska...(cue song by "the who")

here's a series of one-liners horribly delivered by david caruso on "csi: miami" right before the opening credits.

it's terribly cliched and absolutely hilarious.

i'm hoping that's not the miami that i'm going to visit tonight, considering that my hopes are set on experiencing something like this. hell, i'd even take this one.

how i'm really torn on this critical issue

i came across this dilemma, and for once in my life, i cannot come up with an opinion. i really cannot. i am stumped.

this is not funny. i can't figure this out.

at all.

jesus. i really need to think about this.

thoughts?

UPDATE: i'm thinking tops, because there's other ways to achieve what tails would get you. that's not my final answer. that's just me thinking out loud.

how i've reinvented myself

i've decided to completely redo my website. you know, plant a brand new flag in this virtual oblivion we call the internet tubes.

so check out steveohville.com and let me know what you think.

and yes, the trivia game works.

how i have labels

blogger.com has joined forces with google, forcing me to reacitvate my google account and upgrading what can happen with this blog.

that's a good thing. i'm getting not to trust google, but whatevs. they're still cool somewhat.

anyways, i can now put labels on my posts to make your searches for articles on this site much easier. now, if an article is about "corporate incompetence", like the one below, you can search for "monkeycrap" and find that article. or "scrotumless".

see how easy and obvious it is?

we'll see what else this baby can do.

buckle up.

how it's this type of crap that really pisses me off

careerbuilder.com, which has become the world's top job-finding service on the internet due to the work done by their ad agency cramer-kresselt, has decided to start a review of their account because of, and i shit you not, their super bowl ads did not make the usa today top 10.

seriously.

read that again.

careerbuilder.com put their account in review not based on their incredible amount of success, but because of the opinion of a small group of people who may or may not have seen the ad.

by the way, these are the same people that made "two and a half men" the most watched show on television.

yeah, go to them for an opinion on your advertising and brand marketing.

so, what they're saying is that they stand for not what they think is right. rather, they're all about what someone else thinks in an unscientific poll.

welcome to everything that's wrong with businesses.

how we had a state of emergency for about 20 seconds

i left my apartment to go to the bank and then some sushi. it wasn't raining when i left, but was pouring on my walk back. i got soaked. i was wearing a hoodie and shorts. couldn't have been any colder than 45 degrees.

but man, it was pouring.

i dried off in my apartment and awaited my favorite four words in the world: "previously on 24".

all of a sudden, my apartment is under attack, i think.

plat. plat. platplatplatplatplatplatplatplat. thunder. platplatplatplatplatplatplatplat.

i looked outside expecting to see grenades and explosions but instead saw something much weirder.

hail.

wait...hail?!?

seriously. hail. in san francisco.

i went to a big open window in my hallway to look out, and sonuvabitch, not only is it hailing, but it's sticking. and i hear the clickclickclick of shoes walking on hailed concrete outside. i also hear people laughing and others making fun of everyone outside for not having an umbrella.

weird. so weird. hail?

and, as soon as it began, it ended. and it was raining again.

the hail lasted no more than 20 seconds.

it must've just been a freak cold whip in the air in the middle of a rainstorm - one freak occurance after the other (the cloud cover during a rain storm causes a greenhouse effect out here, warming everything up). so there was just a quick burst of cold, dropping the temperature about ten degrees in a moment and just for a moment, and...hail.

huh. weird.

how you would think if they were gonna go through the bother, they would go through the bother

dear junk e-mailers.

can one of you explain to me why every junk e-mail that you send out is criminally misspelled or with horrifying grammatical errors?

is it too hard to spend the extra three seconds to spell check? i mean, you're only sending your crappy e-mail out to millions. the fact that you can't spell what you're selling wouldn't make me want to buy it. that's a simple proposition, don't you think? i mean, especially when you're buying something online, you would think it's all about the details.

that's details. d-e-t-a-i-l-s.

that goes double for you, LuxuryWatche's.

how i'm making some oscar predictions, so live with it

this is the first time that i can remember where the front runners for each performance category are absolute locks. with that being said, i'm gonna regurgitate. ready? here you go.

best actor: forest whitaker, last king of scotland
best actress: helen mirren, the queen
best supporting actor: eddie murphy, dreamgirls
best supporting actress: jennifer hudson, dreamgirls

personally, i have seen most of the candidates, but not all. but i have seen those four, and i'm fairly confident they were the best this year. they each were, in a word, striking.

okay, we got those out of the way. color me 4-0. let's hit the ones that aren't so clear.

usually, best director and best picture are one and the same. there have been exceptions, but it's generally the rule. this year, however, the recent tide has been martin scorcese for best director, and "babel" for best picture.

this year, i don't think the exception is the rule.

i haven't seen "united 93". i've actually netflixed it and i've actually bought it on comcast, but each time, i couldn't watch it. i'm just not ready yet - although i hear the film is wonderful and the directing is outstanding. i'm sorry, paul greengrass. i just haven't seen it.

"little miss sunshine" is a wonderful movie and one of the funniest non-slapstick films in years. the performances were spot-on, the directing excellent (if not nominated) and the script was amazing for a first time writer. but dayton-faris were not nominated for best director. methinks that kills its chances for best film.

that leaves us with four. and all four films and directors have been rumored recently as winners.

"the queen" is a film with a good script about a topic that might not seem as interesting as it turned out to be. the directing by the legendary stephen frears, however, added a layer of regalness and detachment that was just pitch perfect with the oscar-winning performance of helen mirren. it's an amazing movie worth watching.

clint eastwood's directing career has been highlighted by one incredible story told after another. and this year, here came yet another. his "letters from iwo jima" is an incredible masterpiece in that it's a complex story told in japanese but directed by an american director. but this ain't no ordinary american, and his eye for detail and authencity impressed not only here in the states but also in japan. hell, watching this emotional film was stunning for someone who didn't speak the language. imagine what it did to those whose history was interwoven. i can't stress how amazing this achievement was.

it's no understatement to say that a nation is firmly behind marty scorcese to win. "the departed" is his latest attempt to win the golden statute to help validate a career that truly needs no validation. but, unlike the horrid "gangs of new york", this selection stands with any in his canon. in fact, he reinvented a category - mob movies - that he reinvented once before. beyond the stunning script and performances, you really become involved with the intricate and gorgeous storytelling of a master.

"babel" is the newest installent in what seems to be an oscar favorite: multiple stories being told under the umbrella of a human truth. and, it seems to be a staple of alejandro gonzales innaratu, who is without question the best of that kind of storytelling. the movie is dour, but the artistry is without question. there's no question why this has so much buzz behind it.

the selection of any of these movies and directors is a marvelous choice. this is the first year in ages that i can actually say that. usually there's just one or two that i'm pulling for. but this year, we've all been treated.

that being said, i'm ready to choose.

the envelope please:

(dramatic pause)

congrats, marty. you've finally won one.

and stay up here for the next one too.

how you learn some not-so-wonderful things through the magic of television

i have "austin city limits" tivoed as a season pass. i highly recommend that you do so, too. it's a show that telecasts live performances of stars from rock, country, rap, soul and, well, you name it, they've been on this show. and, for the most part, they're great to actually see command a stage.

austin is a music mecca, and rightfully so.

right now, i'm watching etta james. she sounds exactly how i've heard her on my vinyl and my mp3s. i could be listening to that, but this is more fun, if not for one glaring visual obsession:

she has the largest hands i've ever seen.

and i mean it.

i can't take my eyes of her hands. they're very large. it's gotten to the point where i'm looking at the hands of the other musicians on stage to see if theirs are out of proportion too, but they ain't. it's like she has flesh-colored boxing gloves on.

i just looked again. dammit.

how i'm not sure if we've come back around, but we're pretty damn close

at some point, all the lunacy in the anne nicole saga, and that goes back from her marrying that old billionaire to today, all that lunacy is gonna have to be reranked, and what was once insane is gonna look perfectly logical due to relativity.

take this judge who presided over the case of her remains. he's completely batty, and he makes that duke who is married to zsa zsa gabor look like brian williams from nbc news.

and that's the judge! he's supposed to be the voice of reason.

i wonder what's next, and how many midgets it's gonna take.

how that age old question will now be answered

and, of course, the question is "will it blend?" check out the videos under "don't try this @ home". great stuff, especially the ones that are about the super bowl.

thanks for the tip, emily.

how i can clearly state without a show of a doubt

that there's no way in hell that lakisha jones loses "american idol".

there's no reason to watch it anymore. you can take the show off your tivo.

she's gonna win. it couldn't be any clearer.

how it's all matty, all the time

you can't turn on the tv without seeing my friend matty who survived his fall down mount hood. and the more we all learn about it, the more heroic and impressive he becomes. i'm really proud of him.

here he is on "good morning america" - click on "Hikers Talk About Surviving Mt. Hood" (if it is still up)

here, he's on "the today show".

how not even death can stop him, even if laminitis did

barbaro = jesus.

barbaro fans = apostles.

and this is their bible.

i weep for our future.

how sometimes you just know

i'm not one for stuff that doesn't make sense. i usually live firmly in the camp that there's a good reason for everything, even if it isn't obvious. it's not as much of a lack of faith as it is a comfort in facts.

basically, i feel that the unexplainable is easily explainable. it's a twelve years in catholic school thing; you either drink the kool aid or become cynical about anything mystical.

i've always been firmly with the latter. but now, i gotta question that.

probably moreso than any other news article that's been going around (and yes, that includes britney's bald gate), i've been following the story about the three hikers that fell off mount hood and were rescued yesterday. i've been somewhat obsessive about it because, somewhere deep inside me, without having any first hand knowledge about it, i knew that that my friend matty was one of the climbers.

the frustrating part has been that they didn't release any of their names. so i had no way of verifying.

until today.

Climbers Rescued From Mount Hood
By Sarah Skidmore, Associated Press Writer
Monday, February 19, 2007

Three climbers who tumbled off a ledge on Mount Hood were taken away in an ambulance after they hiked down much of the state's highest peak with their rescuers — and a dog who may have saved their lives.

"We're soaking wet and freezing," said one of two rescued women as she walked from a tracked snow vehicle to an ambulance.

One of the women, whose name was not released, was taken to a Portland hospital and being treated for a head injury, said Jim Strovink, spokesman for the Clackamas County Sheriff's Office. "She's going to be fine," he said, noting that she had walked most of the way down the mountain.

Two others, Matty Bryant, 34, a teacher in the Portland suburb of Milwaukie, and Kate Hanlon, 34, a teacher in the suburb of Wilsonville, were taken to Timberline Lodge on the mountain to rejoin five other members of the climbing party, he said.

Rescuers using an electronic locating device found the three climbers and their black Labrador, Velvet, on Monday morning in the White River Canyon, where they had holed up overnight at about 7,400 feet, officials said. The crew hiked with them down the east flank of the 11,239-foot mountain; on the way down, the climbers got into a tracked snow vehicle that took them to the ambulance.

"The dog probably saved their lives" by lying across them during the cold night, said Erik Brom, a member of the Portland Mountain Rescue team. He described the wind in the canyon as "hellacious."

The two women left the snow vehicle first, followed by Bryant and the dog. The three climbers boarded the ambulance, and Velvet leapt in after them.

As he was departing, Bryant said of the rescuers: "I'm glad they were there for us."

In addition to the dog, who provided warmth and comfort, rescuers attributed the happy outcome to the climbers' use of an electronic mountain locator unit that guided searchers to their exact position. "That's why it is a rescue, not a recovery," Sheriff's Lt. Nick Watt said at a news conference at the lodge, a ski resort at 6,000 feet.

The three were in a party of eight that set out Saturday for the summit, camped on the mountain that night and began to come back down on Sunday when they ran into bad weather, officials said. As they were descending at about 8,300 feet, the three slipped off a ledge. They slid about 500 feet down an incline and later moved miles from the site of the fall, descending, rescuers said. "They're lucky to be alive after that," Strovink said. Trevor Liston of Portland, who was among the five who made it off the mountain Sunday, said at a news conference that the three climbers in the lead were holding onto a rope when they slipped over the ledge. The dog was clipped to the rope and was also dragged down, he said.

"The lead climber went," and "two people right behind him didn't have enough time to react," Liston said.

Other climbers used a rope to lower a companion about 60 feet to try to spot the trio, but there was no sign of them, Liston said. The climbers decided to call authorities with a cell phone, rather than attempt a rescue.

"It's a very hard decision to make," but "we didn't want to have eight people fall instead of three," said Liston, who described himself as a veteran Mount Hood climber. Rescue officials maintained regular cell phone contact overnight with the three who had fallen. Battling winds up to 70 mph and blowing snow, rescue teams had worked through the night trying to locate the climbers, said Russell Gubele, coordinating communications for the rescue operation.

Teams made it close to the missing climbers overnight, but decided to wait until daylight Monday because they couldn't see anything, Gubele said. Rescuers moved cautiously during the night because of "very severe avalanche danger," he said.

Gubele described the trio as "experienced rock climbers, but not necessarily experienced in mountain climbing."

In December, three climbers who did not have mountain locator units went missing on the mountain. Authorities searched for days, but were able to recover the body of only one climber, Kelly James of Dallas, who died of hypothermia. The bodies of Brian Hall of Dallas and Jerry "Nikko" Cooke of New York have not been found.

In the past 25 years, more than 35 climbers have died on Mount Hood, one of the most frequently climbed mountains in the world.

i'm officially freaked out and unquestionably relieved.

get well, matty.

UPDATE: just got an e-mail from him, and he's doing well. thank god.

how i swear, youtube has everything

like the scene from "children of men" that i was harping about a couple of posts below.

here it is, in russian. there's very little dialogue in it, and to be honest, it's not really needed.

if you're gonna see the movie, well, this is the scene that makes it. since it is in russian, i won't tell you what happens. but you probably should wait to see it in the theater (and try not to walk out before it comes on at the end).

if you're not gonna see the movie, go ahead and watch it. if you select the white space below this paragraph, i'll write a quick synopsis of what you need to know:

clive owen is in charge of the black girl who is carrying the first child born in britain in 18 years. they're in a refugee camp to ship out immigrants for a reason i can't remember. she gets kidnapped, and he's chasing after her so he can deliver them to a boat which will then lead them to the human project, which was not really explained. there's a civil war going on between the government and insurgents. i don't know why they're fighting. and there you go.

technically, it's brilliant. stylistically, it's mindblowing. and cinematically, it's a heart attack.

how in this instance, FW actually meant funny weddings

you know how you get a forwarded e-mail that's obviously a joke, and you know it's not gonna be funny, and then you open it and voila, it ain't funny, and you just lost nine seconds out of your life?

well, this one was funny. sent by my buddy paal, it's actual wedding announcements:

how i was pleasantly surprised and overwhelmingly entertained

the annual nba slam dunk contest is one of those things that i really don't enjoy, watch anyway, reaffirm that i didn't like it, swear that i don't watch it again and then wind up watching it again and cursing myself over it.

so last night, i'm watching the 2007 nba slam dunk contest and, i gotta say, not only was i impressed by the sheer physical acrobatics, but it was as creative and hilarious an athletic feat as you're gonna find.

here's a youtube page of all the videos of the event. the nba keeps on taking them down, even though their own video page doesn't seem to work. maybe it does now. who knows.

still, even if you're not a basketball fan, i bet you're gonna enjoy it, from gerald green's "dee brown" to nate robinson's "statue of liberty" and one handed catch to dwight howard's "sticker" - which absolutely blew me away, and also blew everyone away. it's an instant classic dunk, even if the judges didn't think so.

which, by the way, caused kenny smith to call michael jordan "the russian judge". fantastic.

you'll enjoy it. especially "sticker". it's truly one of the coolest things i've seen on a basketball court in years.

how when words fail, a camera phone succeeds

today was an unsuspecting 70 degree day in the city that demanded you be outside. so i took my screenplay and my basketball and hit the park around the block from my apartment. seemed like the right thing to do, and it would've been a waste to watch some college hoops inside (although it was a helluva debate).

anyways, i had my camera phone with me, and although these photos don't do my day justice, why the hell not.



i kinda just sat there, on a park bench, staring into a duck pond. i tried writing, working on my characters, and i got five pages into my rewrite, but...goddamn, there are quacking ducks about twenty feet from me. i had a tony soprano moment. no, it wasn't my first.


behind me were these amazing trees that are just magnificent. here's a couple of eucalytpus trees. i would like to say they're indiginous to california as passive aggressiveness, but actually they were imported from australia and responsible for the devastating oakland hills fire of 1991. good times.


my buddy marco and his girlfriend sabrina picked me up, and we drove off to the marina to take a nice walk to the wharf. since i live inside a city, i tend to forget how breathtaking a city can be. you know, you lose grasp of a macro view of your life. anyways, this photo was taken from a hill over fort mason. that's golden gate bridge way off in the background. not pictured are all the colorful and arcitectually charismatic victorians within the city. when i see the city from this view, i got that feeling that i had when i first moved here, the same feeling i once had whenever i popped out of the muni tunnel on my way to work, the feeling every resident of this city cherishes: "holy crap, i can't believe that i live in san francisco". i lost that for awhile. welcome back.


while walking around the superficial and shallow marina district, i came upon this ad in a shopping cart. best media placement ever.

how i was able to see a double feature without resorting to theft

the balboa theater is one of the oldest film houses in the city. i don't normally go there. the speakers are terrible, the seats aren't that comfortable, and there's always something up with the projector, like framing the subtitles off-screen. but, on the bright side, forgotten by me and pleasantly surprised when reminded, they give you two movies for the price of one - the good ol' school double feature.

tonight had a spanish directing flavor to it.


"children of men"
starring clive owen, julianne moore, michael caine and claire-hope ashitey
written and directed by alfonso cuaron
viewed at the balboa theater, san francisco, ca

immediately, you're struck with a strange and dramatic conflict: the world has some sort of epidemic in which all women are infertile, and the youngest person on earth dies. civilization is falling apart as the population dwindles, and there seems to be some sort of war going on between the government and insurgents. (trust me, i didn't give any secrets away)

compelling, huh?

well, it should have been. it just sounds engrossing. but, unfortunately, the first half of the movie was spent downplaying that tension. i don't really know why. the script was literal and explanatory and trying to be funny, the characters a little too lackadaisical, the plot not really moving much.

i gotta say, really disappointing.

but then we get to the scene.

i've heard from everyone who's seen this movie about this scene - a nine-minute uncut shot following clive owen through a war zone. i love stuff like that. when you don't cut, the scene takes a air of unmatched reality, as if you're right there, unblinking. and that moment in the story, filmed in that fashion, was just spine tingling. nervous.

it's a simple idea achieved in the most complex fashion.

and that's beyond the whole technical achievement of it. you actually feel exactly what's happening at that moment by putting you right there in the thick of it. it's incredibly choreographed and as visceral as humanly possible, with gunfire, explosions, bombs and about seven different locations with a chaos of people running and fighting in different directions.

you have to see it to believe it because it's brilliantly unbelievable.

unlike the famous uncut shot in orson wells' "touch of evil", which served to introduce the movie, this shot absolutely makes this movie by putting you in the movie.

and you don't need to be a film geek to get that. it's obvious.

it's a mindboggling achievement of the highest artistic caliber.

it makes the movie.

it's a shame the rest of the movie didn't come close to that standard.


"pan's labryinth"
starring ivana baquero, maribel verdu and sergi lópez
written and directed by guillermo del toro
viewed at the balboa theater, san francisco, ca

speaking of the highest artistic caliber, we've got your typical adult fairy tale that takes place during the spanish civil war and includes a faun and a fairy. just typing those words might seem like it sucks the big one.

but, in actuality, it's one of the most visually irresistable films i've seen in a long time.

del toro paints two completely different and beautiful worlds: a lavish spanish military outpost in the middle of nowhere, and a grimy underworld dictated by the strange undercurrents of a child's demented imagination. sounds better when i write it like that, huh?

anyways, it's about innocence and brutailty, a harsh world and a child's imagination, and unrelenting storytelling from beginning to end. the writing is superb, the directing is magical and the acting is top-notch. it won a 22 minute standing ovation at cannes. and it won a standing ovation at the small balboa theater just blocks from the pacific.

a movie blurring the lines between make-believe and reality isn't exactly the most original execution. but they way del toro tells it, on such a gorgeous canvas, is a tremendous achievement.

it's scary, nervous, gripping, interesting, emotional, eloquent, bloody and vengeful. it's not for children. hell, it's probably too much for most adults.

was it one of the top five films i've seen this year? if it wasn't, it's damn near close.

how it might be gearing up again, and i couldn't be happier

about five years ago, i would get random e-mails from women around the world, professing their love for me. or, at least, for my e-mail address. seems that some dude with an address similar to mine - in fact, one slight misspelling off - has been travelling the world on a boat, and loving and leaving women at every port.

seriously. that wasn't a joke.

i struck up a conversation with one from his harem, and she filled in most of that information in exchange of what i knew. this is a guy who lives an interesting life. can't say i'm not envious.

but i guess he's slowed down, 'cuz it's been quiet for awhile.

until tonight:

Hey my beuatiful babe!

Im so sorry i couldnt reach you, and ive been so torned that i havent been able to contact you in any way. All i wanted to do was to hear you voice, i miss you terrible and i have no words for it left. Ive spent loads of money on payphones in every kind and its been so hard to try to fins acc. to with no phone in hand. So if you would send it to me i would be more than greatful.
So i can hear your voice again and know how you're feelin and how you're doin. I found a house to stay in, is a room and the owners live there to, she is very old and he doesnt speak very good english. But its 90 dollars a week and quite close to the school. Ill tell you mpre about it later babe, Internet time is running out.

I miss you so much and wish you could be here w me or i couls be in your arms again..

Thank you for everything you are the best i could ever ask for!

With all my love
Louisa

how i wish to learn more about steven seagal

i just received a comment anonymously from the posting below this one that said, "Check out this interesting article about stephen seagal".

let's break this down, shall we?

1. it's steven seagal, not stephen.
2. there's no such thing as an interesting article about steven seagal.
3. there is, however, a funny story about him as told to me by my friend jesse. it involves jean claude van damme, robert zemeckis and seagal's inability to comprehend what a documentary is. it's easily one of my top five stories i've ever heard.
4. i just read the article, and it wasn't even an article. it was a question. is it really that difficult to reread what you wrote?
5. someone actually thought it was worthy to let the whole world know that they thought there was something interesting everyone should read about steven seagal, and then constructed an e-mail application that was sent out to blogs across the world to advertise and celebrate this fact. and then, sent it anonymously. if you're gonna go through the trouble of displaying your love of the guy, i'd imagine you'd sign it.
6. i can't believe i just spent seven minutes breaking this down, which means that i've lost to the terrorists.

how i finally get why people complain about "lost"

it's been a week since i've last watched "lost", and wednesday night's episode left me wanting.

wanting the plotline to move forward.

wanting to see what happened to jack.

wanting to follow locke and sayid.

instead, they gave us desmond - which is fine, but not after all the momentum that's been built recently.

when i watched the episodes back-to-back 53 times like i did, episodes like this didn't bother me. in fact, they were a nice breather.

but now, like this? feh.

how i learned a lot about myself from watching "jackass number two"

here are some things that i have the stomach for:
- someone vomiting
- someone vomiting on himself while wearing a helmet
- fresh horse semen being drank
- chugging beer into an ass
- bees inserted into a closed limousine
- a naked old woman
- wet balls on an ice sculpture
- pubic hair glued to someone's face

and here are some things that i do not:
- anacondas hidden in a ball pit
- someone eating dried up horse crap
- leeches sucking on an eyeball
- crazed bulls on the attack
- someone forcing a fish hook into their cheek
- scrotum as a bookmark (from the special features section)

i don't know if this makes me a better man or a worse human.

how my skepticism protected me

i'd been getting a call a day from 513-573-8739. i don't know anyone in the 513 area code. and they weren't leaving messages. (note: unlike most of the american populace, i view someone calling me as an option, not a command).

so i used my good friend google and did some research.

(513) is cincinnati.

don't know anyone there.

that's odd.

so then i typed in the whole number on the off-chance that something came up.

bingo!

here's some insightful reading:

I have got a few calls over the past two weeks to my Grand Central number by a company saying they are Macy’s credit control department. Since I don’t have a Macy’s account I didn’t bother returning the call.

Tonight however I received a call on my Talkplus number which I have never given to anyone.

This piqued my interest and I decided to give them a call and do some digging.
The number is 513-573-8739 and its in Mason Ohio.

Usual scenario, ” Can we have your social service number?”
I don’t have one I’m from Ireland.
Would you have a credit card number so I can check it against your Macy’s account.
Whoa!!!
So avoid like the plague.

how i was just waiting for the strange stuff to begin

because when the other shoe falls, it lands with a thud, and you knew that when we're talking about the anna nicole smith death story, that shoe would be steel-toed.

and, in this case, goosestepping.

LOS ANGELES (AP) - The husband of actress Zsa Zsa Gabor said Friday that he had a decade-long affair with Anna Nicole Smith and may be her infant daughter's father.

The claim by Prince Frederick von Anhalt comes amid a paternity suit over Smith's 5-month-old daughter, Dannielynn. The birth certificate lists Dannielynn's father as attorney Howard K. Stern, but former Smith boyfriend Larry Birkhead is waging a legal challenge, saying he is the father.

"If you go back from September, she wasn't with one of those guys, she was with me," von Anhalt told The Associated Press in an interview Friday.

He said he would file a lawsuit if Dannielynn is turned over to Stern or Birkhead.

Von Anhalt, 59, and Gabor, 90, have been married for more than 20 years.

so, to recap: we have a former playmate, who once married one of the richest men in the world, who made a joke out of herself on her reality show and during any live broadcast, who died under strange circumstances, who has had two men fighting over not only the custody of her child but also the billions it might inherit, might have a third man in the mix, a prince who has been married to zsa zsa gabor for over twenty years.

as tom clancy once said, "the difference between fiction and non-fiction is that fiction has to make sense".

how you can bet your ass that i'm in full countdown mode

pitchers and loducas report in seven days.

how san francisco values have hit san francisco

just when i think that i've run out of funny things to say about the world we live in, along comes tomorrow. here's a great article about the great city i live in and please, this time, provide your own jokes.

if you can't, you should be condemned.

it's a layup.

how this is actually quite ingenious

many of you know that i have changed my wallet allegiance from thick cowhide leather to the sleek jimi - which is my friend mike's company.

however, with "the brief case", i'm thinking that cowhide leather has now dropped to third place for my money guardianship.

how to break down the junk mail

every so often, i check my junk mail. and once awhile in that every so often, i break it down. they're in italics, i'm in reality:

Dear Friend,

do i know you?

My name is Steve Terry, I am an artist with my wife mary steve,We own CREATIVE ARTS AND CRAFTS in London,(United Kingdom)I live in London United Kingdom, with my two kids, four cats, one dog and the love of my life my wife mary steve.

my condolences to you and yours over the death of barbaro.

I have been doing artwork since I was a small child That gives me about 23 years of experience

i've been flushing a toilet since i was a small child. that gives me 31 years of experience. that doesn't make me a plumber.

I majored in art in high school and took a few college art courses

well, in high school, i majored in thinking about having sex with girls. and i took some art classes too. but i wouldn't have admitted that until you admitted.

why? because it's not worth admitting.

btw, art classes in high school were taught by the hippy chick who probably had a "thing" going with the assistant dean. or were doing it with 15 year olds.

but not the 15 year olds who admitted to majoring in art in high school.

Most of my work is done in either pencil or art brush mixed with color pencils. I have recently added designing and creating artwork on the computer, I have been selling my art for the last 3 years and have had my work featured on trading cards, prints and in magazines, I have sold in galleries and to private collectors from all around the world.

damn, i stand corrected. you are a plumber.

I am always facing serious difficulties when it comes to selling my art works to Americans, they are always offering to pay with either MONEY ORDER OR CHECKS, which is difficult for me to cash here in London United Kingdom.

yes, i can see where the problem lies. of course, the rest of the world residing in the year 2007 doesn't have this problem. but that doesn't concern you. but then again, you have two kids, four cats, a dog and a wife named mary steve to take care of. things like credit cards and paypals cannot be trusted. if only the internets can transfer gold, frankinsense and myrrh. and handshakes.

keep in mind that i said this before. it was to an underground nigerian prince escaping from the government.

so now you're lumped in with him.

congrats.

I am looking for a representative in the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA who will be working for me as a par time worker and i will be willing to pay 10% for every transaction,

not just the united states of america. we're talking about the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. that's top of the lungs, for everyone who didn't hear him in lower case.

which wouldn't affect your present state of work, someone who would help me receive payments from my customers in the states, I mean someone that is responsible and reliable, because the cost of coming to the state and getting payments is very expensive,

there was once a man named ben franklin. many in scranton believe that he was the best president of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. he built a thing called the post office which delivers a thing called mail, or enveloped letters, from one person to another. this could also include artwork. he did this so people in the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA can communicate with each other without stopping their lives. it's an amazing concept, and guess what? it was developed in the late 18th century. it is now the 21st century. you should look it up. in fact, here's the wikipedia entry for it. wow. that was easy.

I am working on setting up a branch in the state, so for now i need a representative in the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA who will be handling the payment aspect for our company.

does this require the use of me wearing a trenchcoat and setting up clandestine and secretive meetings with money order wielding art freaks in dark alleyways? i'm only asking that because that's what i wore when i did the same thing for the nigerian prince.

ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS RECEIVE THIS PAYMENTS FROM OUR CLIENTS ON BEHALFOF OUR COMPANY IN THE UNITED STATES, GET IT CASHED IMMIDIATLY WITHOUT DEPOSITION THEN DEDUCT YOUR WEEKLY PAY AND FOWARD THE BALANCE TO THE COMPANY DOWN HERE VIA WESTERN UNION/MONEY GRAM MONEY TRANSFER.

immidiately? thank god you didn't mean immediately. that would have sucked.

But the problem i have is trust,

really? that's your problem? that's as far as you're gonna go? i barely know you past this junk e-mail you sent me, and i'm not a psychiatrist, but let's break you down.
1. you have four cats, a dog, two kids and a wife named mary steve, and you're just 23 years old. so you're just beginning the downward spiral.
2. you make crappy artwork.
3. you have no idea how to set up a paypal account for internet transfers.
4. you e-mailed me.
5. the horny hippy art teacher in high school didn't have a thing for you.
6. i've lumped you in a group with underground nigerian princes.
7. you have a tendency to scream when you talk about my country.

trust is the last thing you should be worrying about.

i have made arrangement with the FBI in Washington,that if anybody gets away with my money they will definately get hold with the person,and the person will go to JAIL for LOOTING my funds , you are to receive the PAYMENT which will be sent to you by the FEDEX or UPS from my clients, which would come in form of a MONEY ORDER OR CASHER'S CHEQUE then you are to cash it and deduct your percentage and WESTERN UNION Charges then wire the rest back to us via WESTERN UNION OR MONEY GRAM.NOTE: All charges of the WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER will be deducted from the money, so you are rest assured that you would not spend a dime out of your personal money. If you are interested, please get back to me as soon as possible via above email.

i'm glad that the fbi is concerned for the transfer of a british man's artwork and not for other things that would be of interest to the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

like national security.

and astronaut love.

Please send to me the listed information below: 1.Full Name 2.Full Address 3.City 4. State 5. Phone Number 6.Age 7.Gender

i'll send it to you immidiately.

how i'm trying to find the perfect analogy

i'm just about to get over the worst cold i've had in years. incessant coughing and sneezing, sometimes at once, clogged nose, nice warm fevers, lack of sleep - you name it, i had it and it never stopped. i'm over it now, but i feel like i need to name this illness in a tribute to its veracity.

one of my favorite bits from "late night with conan o'brien" was when he did fake ads, and he had a flier for a box of envelopes that was being sold for 99 cents. and there was tiny copy in the corner of the ad that read, "it's the aiden quinn of envelopes".

that's one of mjy favorite bits of all time. i mean, aiden quinn? can you get any more nondescript? and giving envelopes an analogy like that is brilliant.

so i've stolen that bit for my own. it's been about three years now. i'm good at it.

for this cold, however, i need to hanker down, and i've narrowed it down to a bunch of different car wrecks to equate it to. i'm looking for opinions.

it's the rex grossman of upper respiratory ailments.
it's the gavin newsom of upper respiratory ailments.
it's the jennifer wilbanks of upper respiratory ailments.
it's the britney spears' vagina of upper respiratory ailments.
it's the cincinnati bengals of upper respiratory ailments.
iit's the graem bauer of upper respiratory ailments.
it's the paula abdul of upper respiratory ailments.
it's the dubya of upper respiratory ailments.
it's the lisa marie nowak of upper respiratory ailments.

like i wasn't gonna go there.

how this is truly the year of gilbert arenas

here's a video of a $20,000 bet between gilbert arenas and deshawn stevenson of the washington wizards.

simply put, arenas had to shoot the ball from the college 3-point line, while stevenson just had to shoot normally from nba distance.

arenas sunk 73 out of 100 from college three point land.

did i mention that he had to shoot with one hand?

umm...wow.

on a good day, i can be a very good shooter. on my best day, 73 out of 100 from three is out of my range. you get tired after 50 or so. and that's with two hands.

of course, i'm not a professional. and i'm not averaging 30 points a game in nba. and i don't have a sneaker deal.

after seeing how effortless it is for arenas - which is amazing - scroll ahead to 7:35 to watch him mess with stevenson while he shoots. it's kinda funny.

how this is the state of my state

my governor is an action hero.

my mayor is an alcoholic slimeball.

viva california!

how i do this every year

each year, i find a team in college hoops that totally captivates me. and by captivates me, i'm talking about being well coached, experienced, tough and poised. of course, they should also be talented - even if not the most talented. and this team gets me excited for me to watch them, and i quickly jump on their bandwagon, set the tivo and try to catch all their games. it also helps that my own personal teams suck (st. john's, stony brook and wagner), so i could use some rooting interest.

three years ago, it was oklahoma state.

two years ago, it was illinois.

last year, west virginia.

so, ladies and gentlemen, i give you my 2007 team:

the texas a&m aggies.

they are extremely well coached - in fact, one of the best coached teams i've seen in years. it's a pleasure to see how they play as a team, five acting as one. they intuitively know where to make the extra pass, when to make it, how to set everything up, how to rotate on defense, when to speed it up and when to spread them out. it's quite magical, especially in a growing basketball world where the emphasis is on isolations and pure physical ability.

they're the best defensive team i've seen this year, and they execute mercilessly on offense by playing as five together. they don't milk the clock; they just use the clock until they find a shot they like. they've got a busheload of upperclassmen, and they just won at phog allen. and they've got a great guard and a good big man - two big essentials.

yep, they hit all the criteria.

and they have a star - point guard acie law iv - who owns the best stat i've heard all year: in the last five minutes of big 12 games, law's been averaging 7.5 points. a&m's opponents? 7.1. so he's been personally outscoring his opponents in the most crucial time of the game. he's a human dagger.

now, keep in mind that they are not the most talented team i've seen this year. they're not as talented as north carolina, ohio state or florida. but on a neutral court, i'd take my chances with them. they've got it.

of course, all those teams i've thought had it didn't win it. so...i don't know what that means.

others receiving votes: wisconsin, air force, georgetown.

how i'm an idiot for feeding them

looking at a wall of cold medicines for me to purchase is like driving to mexico to buy a box full of dynamite, even though i have a good idea that it's gonna be soaking wet. i mean, it's not gonna work, and i know it's not gonna work, no matter how much i'd want it to.

and yet, i conned myself to buy one anyway.

idiot.

how i'm convinced that he just can't help himself

i couldn't sleep last night. it might have had something to do with the gallon of mucus partying in my nose and lungs. good times. so instead of staring at the ceiling in my bedroom, i moved myself to the living room, so i can at least listen to the tv while i fail to fall asleep.

anyways, i put "mike and mike in the morning" on. they're a sports radio show that's aired on espn2. they do a good job, especially when i'm past tired.

they interviewed dick vitale about tony dungy, which is a natural, considering that if anybody knows what it's like to be a black football coach, it's dickie v.

so he's going on about tony dungy, and i feel like i heard the alarm going off in "lost" when the timer counts down.

"oh, when you think of tony dungy and what he means to the sport..."

t minus 5, 4, 3...

"you have to think his coaching transcends sports and color..."

2...1...

"coaches like coach k mike kryzewski and the general, robert montgomery knight..."

boom.

seriously, is there any conversation you can have with dickie v where he doesn't reference those guys? iraq, the national debt, child molestation, christmas, the big bang, math, a recipe for coq au vin...i'd be willing to bet that dickie v can fit in coach k and the general into any topic. that's his talent. shoehorning.

how to do some armchair rankings

each year, an entire nation awaits with baited breath for the super bowl commercials. and each year, they are incredibly underwhelming. and next year, nobody remembers. did this year continue advertising's streak of high-priced crapola? let me be the judge. hell, my opinion's probably more qualified than anyone else that you'll read.

the best

none worthy.

the great

snickers' "kiss" - uncomfortable. funny and with an unpredictable ending that involves the violence from ripping out of chest hairs. they were just a midget and a monkey away from perfection.

emerald nuts "robert goulet" - speaking of, i'm beginning to think that some b-list actors and celebrities are the new monkeys and midgets. first bruce campbell with old spice, and now goulet brings the funny. nice job here. that doesn't mean that mario lopez would work. it's only some b-listers. it's a fine line. trust me on this one.

coke's "great day" - although it's an oldie, i still think putting a spin on the violence of video games like "grand theft auto" and turning it into making the world better is such a great idea - even with a flimsy connection to coke. but that's just it. it's coke. it doesn't matter. why make a point?

hp's "teutels" - okay, i'm a little biased here, but they're still the most visually arresting ads on the air. it's a little different - the hands have been replaced by handlebars - but, well, the campaign's gotta evolve. {asskissing} great job to steve, mckay, goldie and the gang. {/asskissing}

nfl.com's "it's hard to say goodbye" - then again, it's hard to do a bad ad for the nfl. but the last shot of brett favre was just great with the line, "for some, it's harder". damn funny.

the good/tolerable

budweiser's "rodeo wedding" - good idea, nicely executed, but the same ole predictable frat boy humor they always do, nonstop. still, that campaign is better than most crap you see on the air. sadly.

bud's "dalmation" spot - obvious. shmaltzy. repetitious. and will probably be on the top of everyone's list. enough already, america. raise the bar. bring it, bob garfield. i can just smell you creaming yourself over that one.

career builder's "survive the workweek" - really strong idea that was missing something. i don't know what. it just fell really flat. it's a shame because the strategy was strong.

the what the hell was that?

garmin's "godzilla" ripoff - i mean, i get it, and it was bizarre, i guess, and it might have had a point in there, somewhere, i guess, but...ummm, come again?

the terrible

nationwide's "k-fed" - for the record, this would have been hilarious and the spot of the night if they didn't advertise the ending of the thing a month in advance. you can't have an effective setup if you tell everyone in the entire universe what the punchline is. a monumentously blown opportunity, especially for the media buy.

chevy's sing along - you know a commercial is wholeheartedly terrible when they actually had me longing for "this is our country".

the worst

anything that had talking animals. that idea jumped the shark seventeen years ago. and those sharks haven't said a word since then.

gm's "machine suicide" - just to recap, a machine on the assembly line is fired, so it jumps off a bridge. but it's a nightmare, you see, because it's obsessed with quality. well, considering the massive layoffs that just happened at gm, and the probability that there were suicides because of it, bringing that memory back - even for a machine - is just in incredibly poor taste. and when you consider that one of the coaches involved in the game had a child kill himself next year, well, there's two reasons not to air it. especially when there's such a flimsy attachment to a crappy strategy. poor form all around. seriously, inhumane shit like that makes me ashamed to be in advertising. and on top of that, it was a much better ad when ikea and spike jonze did it five years ago.

btw, the best line i read on my whole day of live blogging on deadspin was "Grossman probably feels like that GM robot right about now." funny stuff.

and one last sidebar: i usually hate it when they force people to rush towards the makeshift stage during halftime shows, but holy crap, it's prince. and that perofrmance was bad ass. seriously, it's america's game, it's man day, and it takes a somewhat androgynous purple-loving tiny rock star who shredding a guitar like it killed his mother to completely rock out. god bless you, prince.

colts win, but the game goes to the blouses.

how my rooting interests stand on the super bowl

actually, i'm on the fence.

on one hand, i want tony dungy to win. in a league and a sports world where 9 bengals got arrested this year, only to be trailed by 8 for the chargers, i think it would be fantastic for someone of his high moral fiber and ethics, for someone who seems so decent, thoughtful and considerate to win a champiopnship. it'll cement his legacy as a great coach and reward his lifetime as a better man.

then again, adewale ogunleye is from my hometown of staten island. james jenkins was the first islander to win a super bowl (although i didn't count that one because he was a redskin) and joe andruzzi won a bunch with the pats, still, i'd like to see that happen again. you know, hometown pride and whatnot.

let's just see a good gane and hopefully some nonobnoxious commercials.

how i just installed this, and it rocks

this is iconcertcal.com, a free download that's a concert calendar which appears on your itunes and alerts you of any shows in your area.

what a great idea. seriously. how obvious and, to be, how essential.

if you're as concert inclined that i am, you can thank me later.

how even schlock can be impactful

i actually got teared up watching "american idol" from last night. you have to be no older than 28 to audition, but this old dude showed up. he had a petition of 330 signatures with him. when he went in front of simon, randy, paula and guest olivia newton-john, he admitted he wasn't eligibile, but he told them his story.

his wife was diagnosed with cancer. he thought it would be funny and easing for her if he got people to sign a petition for him to audition. they laughed about it. it helped pass the time.

anyways, just two days before the show, she passed away.

and this sweet man said that he believes that this petition helped make her passing a little bit softer. and so he was here before them to sing "you belong to me" in a tribute to the woman he loved.

and he rocked it. beautifully.

when he left (after shaking everyone's hands), he looked at the camera and said, "today, i won".

and some people say there's nothing but junk on tv.

anyways, i went on itunes to buy the song, and it's essentially been recorded by everybody - from dean martin to patsy cline to bob dylan to johnny mathis to bing crosby to anita baker to sam cooke to jerry lee lewis, and they also have the versions from patti page and also from jo stafford. i played the 30 second cuts of them, and they all have different musical twists and inflections. different flairs, if you will.

but whenever i think of that song, the music is clean. there's no harps or whistles or anything about the music that draws attention to itself. the song is meant to be not only a love affair between singer and muse, but it's a romance of vocals and lyrics. and, in my head, when i think of that song, the background is simple, almost bassy, and i hear a strong voice sing the hell out of it.

and it's not from anyone from above. can anyone help me on this? here's the wikipedia entry for that song and everyone who sang it. anyone? help.

but, to be honest, even if i find that perfect version of that song lingering in my head, it still doesn't match what that old man sang on "idol". that was truly sung from his heart, from him to his love, eloquent, elegant and touching.

somewhere, she smiles.

See the pyramids along the Nile
Watch the sunrise on a tropic isle
Just remember darlin' all the while
You belong to me

See the market place in Old Algiers
Send me photographs and souvenirs
Just remember when a dream appears
You belong to me

I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too, and blue

Fly the ocean in a silver plane
See the jungle when it's wet with rain
Just remember 'til you're home again
You belong to me

I'm gonna be so alone without you
And I'm hopin' maybe you'll be lonesome, too, and blue

Fly that ocean in a silver plane
See the jungle when it's wet with rain
Just remember til you're home again
You belong to me

beautiful.