how original "original joe's" really is

before the franz ferdinand concert at the bill graham auditorium last night, my buddy lawson and i ate some dinner and drank some beers at original joe's, a locally-famous eatery in the beautiful tenderloin area. and by beautiful, i mean downtrodden and decrepid. if you've ever watched "cops" filmed in san francisco, then you've seen the tenderloin.

and if you've ever smelled the scent emanating off a very old man, then you've got the feel of "original joe's".

the food is very large and damn good. it's guy food in a guy place - which shouldn't come as a surprise, considering there's nothing but guys and wheelchair-bound women in the place - like the loud table next to us, a group led by a boisterous man who looked like a fatter stacy keach. they debated non stop, using such talking points and evidence as "you're a pussy" and "fag!"

the decor is very "goodfellas", with poor leather seats and dim yellow lighting. all the waiters wear tuxedos for some reason.

after dinner, we sat at the bar. and these are the people we saw:

- a keyboardist playing background for a bunch of vocalists called "the uptown singers", which is odd, considering there is no uptown in san francisco. there's a downtown (the financial district) but nothing uptown - and if there was, it wouldn't really be anything to brag about.

- the lead guy of the uptown singers looked like hubie brown, circa when he coached the knicks in the 80s during his white 'fro days. this ain't what i'm referencing, but it's close enough.

his voice wasn't bad, very old-timey, like what you would hear off a 78 player that you have to wind up with a crank. he sang broadway tunes and asked everyone if they knew what musical it was from, and nobody had a guess. and why would they?

- the other singers, all in the their sixties, bringing their unique vocal stylings - but called up boy-girl-boy-girl. one guy with a beautiful operatic voice brought everyone down with "danny boy", but you got the feeling that's the only song he can sing. i, for one, would have like to have heard him tackle "99 problems" by jay-z. but that's just me.

- a drunk old man who sat next to us who ordered a sierra nevada, thanked the bartender upon recieiving it and then proceeded to pour sugar into his glass - for FIFTEEN CONTINUOUS SECONDS, forming a mountain of sugar on the bottom. oh yeah, he drank it.

- on our other side of us, a young blonde prostitute being "sweet talked" by her customer, a very hefty older man who looked like a dirtier and white-haired version of former allman brothers guitarist warren haynes.

that is, if warren haynes were sporting a white, ragged zz top beard.

- a bald man with thick black glasses and an exaggerated limp.

i know i have an overactive imagination, but seriously, all of this happened and all these people exist.

and thank god for that.