Thursday, August 10, 2006

how we all live in steven seagal's world

without a doubt, wikipedia is the funniest site on the planet.

if you’re bored, just start typing in random things in their search engine, and then read what comes up. you’ll be amazed. at least i was, when i typed in “steven seagal”.

his life reads like a steven seagal movie.

i’ve copied and pasted the best parts here. but, for starters, this one is my favorite:

part owns a ranch with mel gibson and adam west for children with learning difficulties to ride horses and to learn survival skills.

steven seagal, mel gibson and adam west. seriously, how awesomely unintentionally funny is that place? can i go? please?

anyways, here’s more goodness:

seagal claims that he battled the yakuza (japanese mafia) over the rights to the tenshin dojo, which he claims that his wife's father lost in a gambling game; however his former wife claims "it's a lie," and that he yelled at some drunks, but "never fought anyone." he was the dojo-cho (chief instructor) of the dojo until he left in 1982, after spending about 10 years in japan; however his wife likewise stated that seagal never properly earned his title, claiming that the judge was a "drunk who was asleep during the testing."

seagal reportedly has been rough on stuntmen. during the filming of "exit wounds", he injured a number of stuntmen, as well as his co-star, dmx. he also would reportedly "kick guys in the nuts to see if they were wearing cups".

vanity fair quotes an actress who described seagal's new spin on the casting-couch lure. according to the woman, seagal had asked her to take off her top and groped her breasts in order to show her where her spiritual "meridian points" were located.

seagal has gained some notoriety for being a bigamist.

seagal's real-life martial arts skill and status as a high-ranked tibetan buddhist have also placed him in the role of godfather to a tibetan child, yabshi Ppan rinzinwangmo.

in 1997, one of his teachers gave him this name as he proclaimed him a tulku, a reincarnation of a tibetan lama, the treasure revealer of palyul monastery.

in seagal's early aikido years in japan, a dog approached him. seagal described feeling as if he had known this white dog forever. after keeping the dog for a few days, the dog (by barking) warned seagal that his dojo was on fire. seagal quickly summoned help to put out the conflagration. seagal never saw the dog again.

seagal was questioned by police in 2002 as part of "operation ore" over suspicions that he has images of child pornography on his home computer, he was however found innocent.

seagal's youngest child with kelly lebrock was named after the family nanny, arrissa. seagal went on to become romantically involved with the nanny, who then became pregnant with his child.

and here’s some of his fantastic quotes:

"when i walk into a room some people see a dog, some people see a cow. i am all of what they see. it is their perception."

"i am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, rather than a sex symbol."

"i’m a very funny guy, if you’ll forgive me for saying so. when i did 'the glimmer man' with keenan ivory wayans, he and i were talking about who was funniest, and i think i kicked his ass every day."

god bless you, steven seagal, ranch owner, yakuza fighter, dojo-cho, groin kicker, dog converser, casting couch innovator, innocent child pornographer, nanny dedicater, nanny lover and funniest man on the planet.

what a life.


Jaime Schwarz said...

Thank you for doing all that research just to make me laugh.

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