Sunday, August 28, 2005

how it will all go down

on the way to the game two of the mets-giants series in sbc, my roommate brett posed a question: if you threw all the cities in a battle royal, who would win?

it would have to be WWE rules, which means over-the-top-rope and both feet have to hit the floor below. and once you're out, you're out.

here are the unscientifically chosen combatants: boston, new york, philadelphia, washington dc, baltimore, richmond, charlotte, atlanta, orlando, miami, nashville, memphis, new orleans, cleveland, cincinnati, chicago, detroit, milwaukee, minneapolis, seattle, san francisco, oakland, los angeles, san diego, phoenix, salt lake city, denver, st. louis, dallas and houston.

and it takes place in vegas. obviously.

winner takes honolulu.

so it's 30 cities. who will survive?

of course, the pussy ones are always eliminated first. so goodbye orlando, miami, cincinnati, seattle, los angeles (who successfully auditioned for the role of "pussy city #3"), san diego, nashville, phoenix, denver, st. louis, charlotte and dallas (yes, you dallas. don't be puttin' on "don't mess with texas" airs. everyone knows you're full of shit). salt lake city is also included in this grouping, but i just wanted to point out that not only was it the first one eliminated, but it flailed its arms like a little girl in the process.

and before anyone complains, i live in san francisco, and it's thrown out right after salt lake city.

the next ones to go out are the ones with a lot of heart, but not the size to compete. so goodbye baltimore, richmond, atlanta (you're not a big city until you get more than one street), memphis, cleveland, milwaukee (who was too drunk to feel anything), minneapolis (who would have been tossed earlier if not for its tough winter-resistant skin) and houston, who coughed up something when it hit the floor. new orleans was extremely feisty, but its heart was bigger than its body, so out it went, although it went right to a strip club afterwards.

so that leaves boston, new york, philly, dc, detroit, chicago and oakland, who is not as big as the other cities but you don't really want to mess with it.

the next to go is boston, who talks a good game and annoys easily, so it goes head over heels. in fact, everyone teamed up to throw it out without debate.

dc goes next and chicago right afterwards (this was a surprise, but as you well know, you can't make for a good battle royal without a couple of swerves).

so now philly, detroit, new york and oakland are all in. and there's really only one thing to do: team up and eliminate the behemoth in the ring.

so new york is out.

and then, the critical mistake (and there's always one that settles a battle royal): philadelphia and detroit laugh at oakland's small stature, and they precede to ignore it and settle it themselves.

and as philly and detroit battle to the death, oakland awaits the right moment and BAM! a dropkick places the both of them on the floor.

your winner, and your battle royal champion: oakland.

don't question the logic. vince mcmahon would approve.

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