how i would think it would be funny

that since halloween is really an excuse for women to dress slutty (as in "slutty cat" outfit or "slutty butterfly" outfit or even "slutty nurse" outfit), that it might be funny to walk up to any woman walking around downtown today and say, "hey! i get it! you're a slutty lawyer today!" or "hey! you're a slutty account executive today, right?" and see what happens.

of course, i said it would be funny. no way in hell am i gonna do it.

maybe i'll save it for a screenplay.

i should be getting e-mails for this one.

how to do the best video dumping post ever

here's three of my favorite things: borat on "saturday night live",the trailer for new season of "24" and parts 1, 2 and 3 of the newest "south park" episode where satan throws a halloween party and, well, steve irwin is involved.

yep, best post ever.

how creativity never ceases to amaze me

here's one of the coolest things on youtube and it was concepted and written by a guy i met years ago through my friend kathy. it's really great stuff and worth three minutes of your time.

how i'm an idiot for not tempering my expectations

i finally really explored ms. dewey on a fast computer and internet connection, and i gotta say that there's so little of what heather and i wrote for her character that she almost seems like a complete stranger.

so far, i've found only these four prompts that you can type in and see what we wrote:
Reality TV
San Francisco
Tabloids
South

and that's it. everything else was dumbed down, lamed out and, honestly, rarely funny - and not really worth spending time with past the fact that they hired a pretty hot chick to play her. it was someone's good idea that got dulled down somewhere, probably by the client.

hopefully by the client.

and so is the way with advertising.

how i wasn't gonna buy a chevy truck anyway

this is what i really hear when john chevy mellancamp's "this is our country" comes on, which is once every 17.8 seconds:

I can stand beside
Things I think are right
And I can stand beside
The new Chevy truck line
And I do believe
You can't escape our grasp
This is our ad campaign

From the east coast
To the west coast
Down the Dixie Highway
On every channel
This is our ad campaign

There's room enough here
To hear this song again
And there's room enough here
To overstuff our media plan
And try to understand
We need your dough
This is our ad campaign

From NBC
To CBS
Down Fox and ABC
Non stop
This is our ad campaign

how i'm completely flummoxed about this

can someone please explain to me why some restaurants have a nice chair in the bathroom? you know, so there's the toilet for you and also a chair, i guess, for someone else? has it ever happened to anyone where someone else's assistance was needed while taking a crap? is it for someone to read to you while you squeeze one out?

or is this some sort of sick fetish that's catching on?

someone help me on this.

how a great book doesn't necessarily make for a great movie

"flags of our fathers"
starring ryan phillippe, adam beach, barry pepper and others
written by paul haggis and william broyles jr.
directed by clint eastwood
viewed at the amc van ness 1000, san francisco, ca

it is very difficult to make a great movie from a great book, but it can be done. namely, the ones that work take the human truth and the essense of the plot and tell it in a completely different way. i'm not talking about changing the story, but changing the way it's told. books are meant for a certain audience. films, another. and most times, they don't match up without some tweaking.

"flags of our fathers" is an amazing book that tells a great story. what made it unique was that it was essentially a research paper of the author finding out all about his father's military exploits on iwo jima and his dealing with the guilt of being labeled a "hero" afterwards. this movie does the same thing.

and, to me, it doesn't totally work.

there's brilliance in this movie. the scenes at iwo jima and the war bonds tour afterwards are just magical stuff. they're compelling and intelligent and moving. in fact, had the whole movie been in that same vein, we'd be talking oscar.

but the problem is that the other half of the movie is about the author finding all this stuff out and writing a book about it. which doesn't make sense or is even slightly compelling, just because it's a movie. the "writing a book" part is nonsensical and gets in the way. it gets in the way. it becomes a research paper. that doesn't make for cinema magic.

and still, i really enjoyed the movie. as usual for an eastwood movie, the acting was great and the directing and cinematography smart and elegant. but i didn't leave thinking it was a great movie, feeling it was a great movie, knowing it was a great movie.

all because something got in the way.

how it really did go full circle

check out the comments box in the post just below this one, for "how irony can be so damn ironic sometimes" .

ironictastical.

how irony can be so damn ironic sometimes

here's a link to website for a search engine for msn.

and here's a link to a critique about it on forbes.com.

what if i told you that i was a writer on some of her funny responses? (i need to get a quicker connection and a list of what i wrote to find what i contributed to it, although most of what my friend heather and i wrote might be a little too racy for a corporate computing company based in a suburb of seattle)

and what if i told you that the critiquer was a cowriter and friend of mine at the stony brook press while in college?

and what if i told you that, when writing for the press, i would hand my articles into dave and he would critique them?

and what if i told you that, like now, he usually liked what i did.

ten years laer, and it's all over again. except we're bpth getting paid for it.

how to sum up the world series in one statement

if rain falls in st. louis during game four of the world series, does anybody really give a shit?

i sure don't.

how to listen to howard for free

just click here and follow the directions to listen to howard stern on sirius for free through your computer all day only on wednesday and thursday.

here's what's gonna be on:

Special guests including The Who's Pete Townshend, Sharon Osbourne, and Danny Bonaduce.

The Gary Dell'Abate Roast, when Colin Quinn, Reverend Bob Levy, Lisa Lampanelli, Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling and a cast of others will all roast "Baba Booey."

Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling is back on the Howard Stern channels with Jackie's Joke Hunt, laughing through the best comedy on radio.

hey, howard helped to raise me, and he still wakes me up every morning. anything i can do to help.

enjoy.

how i was almost had

i spent last night catching up on all the episodes of "friday night lights", which blows my mind with how high the production value is. i mean, you can watch an episode of "24" and figure out how they cover a scene and still make it look fantastic. but "friday night lights" is just, well, it's so frenetically cut from shots from so many different angles and erratic (but perfect) camera movements that each episode blows my mind. it's exhausting, really.

anyways, i'm completely engrossed into the story, which isn't as much of a series of plotlines as much as it a capsule of high school football in texas. think storytelling much like "the sopranos", but substitute barbeque for lasagna. and the writing is dead on, the acting is fantastic, and you're completely living within the made-up football-mad town of dillon, texas.

i'm totally on board - except they just introduced a love story between the cheerleader and girlfriend of the just-paralyzed star quarterback, and his best friend, the fullback, who's having trouble dealing with the sudden injury. hell, typing that out reeks of "the o.c." and "gilmore girls" and all that crap. and it doesn't help that the actors who play them are right out of their casting tapes (and, i gotta admit, she's stunningly gorgeous, although these photos don't do her justice as when she's lyla gerrity).

anyways, it's losing me - just because it could so easily go that route when instead, it could be groundbreaking in so many ways.

by the way, here's network idiocy for you: they're thinking about moving the show to friday nights, thereby losing any confusion when the show airs. it's on tuesday nights right now. yep, "friday night lights" is on tuesday. and i gotta say, that's the death knell of the show.

the people who watch this show, the fan base, are not gonna stay home to watch "friday night lights" on friday nights . they're gonna be watching their alma mater play high school football. yep, the real thing.

the smartest idea would have been to premiere the show on friday nights, but after football season was over. that way it could act as a continuation for the season that just ended. you know, give high school football fans, which is what, the majority of the country, something to latch onto in an effort to fill the void until next season.

that would have been smart. now, they're screwing themselves by forcing the fan base to not watch their show. smart.

btw, i typed this whole entry while listening to my morning jacket cover "take my breath away", complete with the actual audio track from "top gun" when goose dies. it's actually a great version of it. download it if you get a chance. it's on their album called "clz learning" with covers of "west end girls" and "dream a little dream".

how i'm sure this is exactly how it happened

there's a lot of crap on youtube. but sometimes, you'll come across something that doesn't suck and it's quite pleasant.

especially when it's tinged with walken and pacino.

hoorah.

also, check this out if you have 17 spare seconds for awesomeness.

how if you're stoned, you really shouldn't sit next to a writer

this is an actual conversation by a couple who were stoned out of their minds and sat next to me in a theater before we all watched "the departed".

man: "hey, did you know our governator was in, like, a whole bunch of movies with jesse ventura, who was also a governator. yeah. there was one movie, 'total recall', where they were friends and they were fighting this animal, but then they got turned on each other and then fought each other, but, no, wait, that was 'predator'. they fought each other in 'predator'. anyways, they were probably talking back stage about being governers and shit."

woman: "how about 'running man'?"

man: "oh, yeah, you should see that too. ventura was great in that."

woman: "rad".

okay, for the record...
jesse and arnold were commandos fighting the evil monster in "predator". they did fight against each other in "running man". and jesse wasn't in "total recall".

marijuana is a wonderful drug.

how a very unfortunate streak should probably end this year

"the departed"
starring matt damon, leonardo dicaprio, jack nicholson, mark walhberg, alec baldwin and vera farmiga
written by william monahan
directed by martin scorcese
viewed at amc 1000 van ness, san francisco, ca

in any article written about martin scorcese, you'll read how he's the victim of the injustice of never winning an academy award. and yes, it's not right that he hasn't won one, but it's not an injustice. he's just barely lost out to better films.

anyways, although it's still october, i highly doubt i'll see a better movie this year than "the departed". and since directing nods usually go the way of whoever wins best picture, then he probably should get the speech ready.

i haven't seen "infernal affairs", which is the original chinese movie, but i can't imagine how much better that could be than this - if it is at all. it's just a tense, taut, highly stylized, well crafted, well acted, well written and masterfully directed film that doesn't relent from the first minute to the last. i mean, it's completely exhausting. and you're one step ahead of them, and then one step behind. you're completely involved, and then taken aback. all this, with suspense and humor.

as for the acting, matt damon is quickly becoming one of our finest actors. dicaprio is physically miscast in these roles, but he's a really good actor. nicholson is nicholson. baldwin and wahlberg do their best to steal the movie, and they're hilarious in doing so. and vera farmiga made a whole audience fall in love with her.

but the star here is scorcese, who made a "goodfellas" movie that's nothing like it. i mean. "goodfellas" is great, but because it's been ripped off over and over again (even by scorcese with "casino"), it's become a cliche. mafia guys in neighborhood. voiceovers talking about what they're thinking. soundtrack featuring doo-wop songs from the 50s and pertinent rock songs to frame the passage of time. and the same actors playing the same roles, but with different names. the whole thing is tired.

but scorcese just changed all that. the editing is fast paced. the music is there to set a mood. the sound design keeps your nerves on edge. and the story is told through actions and not through voiceovers. it's a tremendous achievement of storytelling by an american master.

can i say any more about this film?

how you can expect nothing less from less than nothing

this morning, i got messages of condolences from friends of mine, fans of the red sox, a's, giants, tigers and even a braves fan. they'd all been where i am right now, and it sucks. and from one fan to another, hang in there.

much obliged. and i sent them the same e-mail when they had lost at some point.

but i got e-mails from yankee fans who couldn't help themselves. taunting. obnoxious. rude. you know, exactly what to expect from the most classless fan base in the world. fans who have no idea of the world around them. fans who are spoiled beyond belief. fans with no sense of sport.

yankee fans.

idiotic blowhards.

really truly idiotic.

you know, a smart yankee fan wouldn't have said anything because it gives legitimacy to the mets and the accomplishment of making it that far. and it points out that the yanks, of course, didn't. and it makes whatever they say reek of jealousy.

and a smart yankee fan wouldn't have said anything about the mets being beaten in the second round by a "terrible" cardinals team because a mets fan can turn around and say that the yanks got blown out in the first round by the tigers, a team that finished an even worse 19-34 down the stretch. and got swept by the kansas city royals right beforehand.

and a smart yankee fan would try to hold themselves in the classy and respectful manner becoming of the proud faces of their franchise - you know, jeter, bernie, posada and mariano - instead of being a loud hypocritical jealous blowhard. you know, like sheffield. or the big unit. or farnsworth. or, hell, clemens.

and a smart yankee fan would look at their own roster, full of aging, overpaid and fragile ballplayers with unmoveable contracts, with no prospects to trade, with posada, mariano and bernie on the downsides of their careers, with four superstrong teams in the AL central, with the red sox taking a step back to take a step forward, with still no pitching and none available, with the idea of trading a-rod and knowing he's gonna kill them in the playoffs at some point, and would look at the mets young base of players, with all the young power arms about to hit the roster, with floyd's contract coming off the books, with minaya's knack of finding role players who play big roles, and with a tepid national league, and would probably hold his tongue, because the shift in power might have already started.

that's what a smart yankee fan would have done. said nothing.

but, of course, there are no smart yankee fans.

so my theory is wrong.

how maybe i'll wake up a little less heartbroken

but after that game seven, losing with our best player at the plate, well, i wouldn't bet on it.

this is gonna take a whole lotta mending.

signing barry zito would help the process.

how it's five minutes before game time

an my nerves are shot, my adrenaline is racing and i can't bear to watch.

my hardwood floor is preparing for miles of me pacing back and forth. my sweat glands are all geared up. and my fingers and my eyes are soon to become intimate partners.

my butterflies have butterflies.

game sevens. gotta love them.

let's go mets.

how i wish i were in the boardroom

when papa john's pizzeria first heard the idea from their agency for their new killer ad campaign - "things that make you go mmmm".

but since i wasn't, i'll recreate it here:

agency guy: "so we're going to show action shots of people really enjoying their papa john's pizza, especially with pepperoni, and over the montage, we'll be playing, now catch this, a fresh jingle called 'things that make you go mmmm.'"

client: "things that make you go mmmm? that sounds vaguely familiar."

agency guy: "you might remember a song called 'things that make you go hmmm' by this hip-hop rapping band called dj jazzy jeff and the fresh prince. it was popular years ago but today, it's still as fresh and relevant as ever."

client: "fresh and relevant? just like our pizza. i like it. what's my demographic? someone get me my demographic!"

agency account guy: "what we're trying to do is to tap into the urban market, and by making a version of that rap classic, we're telling the urban market that papa john's pizza knows them and gets them and that they should order from us."

client: "it makes us edgy, yes?"

agency guy: "the edgiest of all pizza chains".

client: "you are all creative geniuses. i applaud your artistry. and tell me, what has happened to this fresh prince character?"

agency guy: "he's probably in jail for a drug possession charge with ten kids!"

everyone laughs in unison.

end scene.

scarily, i probably ain't too far from the truth. and yes, i know who actually sang it.

how i have one issue with "studio 60"

first off, i really like this show. i think it's one of the most intriguing and well-developed concepts out there. it's kinda fun seeing something we've all experienced week after week stripped down - even if in a fictionalized way. and it's very well-acted and well-directed and impossibly well-done in every aspect. they're spending a lot of money to make it, and you can see it in every scene.

but i gotta say: i'm not sure if i'm totally digging the writing. wait, i take that back. i dig the writing - it's very smart - but all the characters talk exactly the same way and their sense of humors are all exactly the same. it's like watching a kevin smith movie, except with much more craft and couth.

i'm not saying it ain't funny. it is very funny. it's just funny in the same way all the time. life isn't like that. hell, the best sitcoms aren't like that. look at "cheers". every character had their own unique style, delivery, sense of humor. right now, all the characters seem like one character. maybe when the characters are more developed, it'll develop.

speaking of characters, i think i'm falling in love with harriet hayes, with her humor, her convictions, her confidence, her self-comfort. she's extremely appealing, and of course, she's easy to look at. really easy to look at. i think if she were real, i'd be full of smit.

in fact, i haven't felt this way about a fictional character since clementine in "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind".

does that make me delusional?

how i ain't blaming him

if the mets lose the NLCS, i know that it's because they didn't have enough starting pitching in october. and that the offense suddenly stopped hitting. and that david wright couldn't be colder at the plate. and that the cardinals' relievers suddenly have lightning bolts in their arms.

but i gotta say that the home plate umpire's "strike whims" didn't help at all either. can't expect an intellectual craftsman like tom glavine to pitch to something as erratic as that.

let's go mets. i still believe.

how the haight was empty in their absence

a concert review for you:

bob dylan
at the bill graham civic auditorium
san francisco, ca on october 17, 2006



well, at least we know where all the hippies were on tuesday night. and, also, the marin and east bay businessmen. yep, that was the crowd that came together to see dylan and his band play an ultratight set of music. they didn't move at all on stage - in fact, the guitarist walked from his position to the front once, and that was it - and dylan never addressed the crowd at all. it was a highly professional performance by the highest-quality performers. they rocked as much as they could at their ages, and it was quite all right with me.

the hippies danced. and let me say that there are no bigger collection of worse dancers than hippies at a concert - mostly because they ain't dancing to the music. in fact, i don't know what they're dancing to. and i'm not even sure i can call it dancing. however, i can call it funny.

and the businessmen danced when they had to, although it was more like a spasm. over and over again. and when they weren't dancing, they were standing in front of me (which is alright) and my friend cika, who stands 5 feet tall (which is rude). whatevs. it wasn't like dylan was doing much.

there was one large hippie who stood more than halfway towards the stage. and when i say large, i mean a good head-and-shoulders above anyone else's head-and-shoulders. and he was in our way, yes, but again, there was nothing to look at. you know, except the back of his head. and that got me thinking.

how many seven foot hippies from california can you name?

how many do you think exist?

and how many of them could score tickets to see bob dylan in san francisco?

yep. it had to be big red.

and i waited outside after the show to find out.



so i saw bob dylan with bill walton. what did you do on your tuesday night?

how you can learn something anywhere, like on the tarmac at the jfk international airport

i flew jet blue back to san francisco this morning. it was a brand new plane. that is, we were the first passengers to ever fly on this marvel, the newest in airline transporation technology.

and yet, they had to pull someone off the plane for "weight balance".

huh?

so i got home and googled what that meant.

here you go, from nasa:

If the object has its weight distributed equally throughout, its balance point is located at its geometric center. If the object has unequal weight distribution, its balance point or its center of gravity may not be at its geometric center.

The force that opposes the force of weight for an aircraft is lift. The lift force must be greater than the weight for an airplane to fly.

For an aircraft, it is important that the location of the center of gravity fall within the limits specified by the design of the aircraft. If it falls outside these limits, it will have adverse effects on how the airplane will fly.

so that's what i learned.

and i also learned that the 135-pound woman who volunteered to get off the plane made all the difference in the world. if she would not have gotten off, we never would have gotten off the ground, i guess. right?

right?

that's how much we were off.

you would think a brand new plane would have had that figured out.

weird.

how to deal with hypothetical disappointment

if i were an arizona cardinal fan, i'd be suicidal after watching my team blow a twenty-point fourth quarter lead, blow a game that we dominated over one of the top teams in football, blow a win after forcing six turnovers, and blow a coming-out party by my stud rookie quarterback.

then again, if i were an arizona cardinal fan, i'd also be living in the land of make-believe.

that was the weirdest monday night football game i've ever seen.

how i'm taking applications for someone to be my pissboy

my father's been researching his geneology past what we already knew, and, to make a long story short, my great-great-grandmother's name was benedetta bologna, and she was born, raised and died in a town called capaci.

my father then did some research about capaci. the town relies on farming, fishing and tourism for its economy. it first appeared as a known town in 1241 and was awarded as a fiefdom to francesco beccadelli bologna in 1556 where he became the first baron of capaci.

since there weren't many people in that town then or now - currently, there's only 11,000 people - it really isn't that much of a stretch to say that my great-great-grandmother, benedetta bologna, might have been a baroness of capaci.

i don't know what the rights of decendency is or were, but please, just as a precaution, take a knee and kiss my ring when you're in my presence.

that's all i'm saying.

how the crash was an accident but the coverage is overdone

of course, it's terrible that cory lidle drove his plane into a building. but now that he's dead, do we all have to hear all these athletes talk for him?

you know, "he'd want us to play on" and "he was doing what he loved" and all that crap we've heard millions of times over said by an endless line of athletes in the baseball fraternity, most of whom never met him.

and don't forget all these baseball commentators waxing poetically about life and baseball, saying that "athletes shouldn't be putting their careers in jeopardy" and "athletes live on the edge" and all that crap we've heard millions of times over, even though they're just as guilty as they charge.

i just think it's gonna be overdone and overanalyzed and overregurgitated because it's an easy way for stupid people to overwatch it and to get marketers to overpay for the ad space.

here's everything we needed to know: yankee pitcher cory lidle died by crashing his plane into a building in the upper east side. it was an accident. he left behind a wife and a six-year-old child. one other person died. it had nothing to do with terrorism and alec baldwin was temporarily inconvenienced.

i got that done in five sentences, maybe six if you break up the last one. there's no real updates past that. i mean, that's it. but today on espn is gonna be nothing but the same diatribes over and over again. the same cliches. the same words spoken by different people - all because he's somewhat famous - and without a word about the other victim.

i guess i won't watch espn today.

call me coldhearted, but i just don't want to hear it.

how a day in the mid-seventies in new york city can be quite convincing

five reasons why i should move back to new york:

1. the modelesque babe i saw in bryant park
2. the curly-haired cap-wearing babe i saw on 17th and broadway
3. the booted babe in a miniskirt i saw near tompkins square
4. the business-suited babe walking in gramercy park
5. the college babe i passed by near NYU

of course, it's cold and rainy here today, so i guess it all evens out.

how i learned a new word today at 4:15 pm EST

costochondritis. as told to me by my doctor who had to see me because of my, well, pain in the chest that can be reproduced by pressing on the affected area between the ribs. this was right before he looked at my EKG reading and reported, "nothing looks dramatic", of which i responded, "how about anything comedic?"

in a sentence: steve has costochondritis.

how this is shocking for the wrong reasons

in the headline "hilton, richie seen at L.A. steakhouse", is the shocker that they were seen together, thawing out a year-long icefest between the two, or that these two thimbletoes were at a steakhouse?

you know where i stand on this.

by the way, they ate at dan tana's in beverly hills. i've eaten their steaks. they are delicious. in fact, their most delicious steak is named "the dabney coleman" because he's devoured that steak three times a week for twenty years. for ten of those years, he ate the dabney coleman with harry dean stanton and evel knievel. that's what the waiter told me. you can't make that up.

so, what i'm trying to say is that paris hilton and nicole richie might have eaten the dabney coleman. and then, in the bathroom, they probably threw him up.

now that is awesome.

how i can't imagine how this weekend could have been any better

the yanks get eliminated by the underdog tigers, sinklng a $200 million ship into a sea of failure as the world celebrates.

the new york football giants destroy and embarrass the hated redskins, reinvigorating a sleeping defense.

the new york rangers defeat the hated philadelphia flyers in a thrilling shootout in overtime.

the knicks have yet to play.

and the amazin' mets sweep the dodgers in dramatic fashion to advance to the NLCS.

yeah, it's hard to get better than this.

how it couldn't have happened to a more deserving ballclub

and i ain't talking about the detroit tigers.

for a team that embraces a strategy of spending twice as much as any other ballclub to create a completely uncompetitive landscape which, although within the rules, is also unsportsmanlike, well, nothing's sweeter than seeing jeter and the gang on the links in october.

steinbrenner, you got exactly what you deserved. overspending on louts and steroid abusers.

instant karma's just got you.

ladies and gentlemen, the supposedly best team money can buy. literally. out in four games.

fantastic.

how brilliant and creepy sometimes go hand in hand

i gotta say that this is the best idea ever of how to use google earth.

of course, it also send shivers up my spine.

oh well, you can't have it all.

if only HP had these resources available.

how, of all the headlines in the world, i never expected to read this one

quite possibly the first time in the history of the world that these collection of letters were put together in this order.

congrats are extended to all.

how there's funny, and then there's "two white jackasses whose version of acting black is to mimic the idiots from the maury povich show" funny

you know how some times i'll find something that is so goddamn funny that i completely respect the urge to just let it be and let its true comedic genius speak for itself?

well, this is one of those times.

my lord, hilarious.

how i don't mean to curse, but...

it's fucking raining outside.

i can't even bring myself to typing "WTF", so i will say it in full.

what the fuck?

how i forgto to post this

but the newest episode of "the heather gold show" is now online. the director/editor is very bad at letting people know that its been up.

it's on the bottom right, and it takes awhile to load up.

and keep in mind: as with everything in life, it's a work in progress, but much improved.

how it never seems to end

file another one in "politician with odd hobby or lifestyle".

it's in the bin that's overflowing.

how there's brilliance every so often

i think the sports guy on espn has seen his better days. the schtick is getting tired, the smart comments fewer and farther between, and he's just not as funny.

but i still read him - religiously.

because he might come up with something as brilliant as this, from today's blogging of the baseball playoffs:

1:00 -- The Quadruple-A Playoffs kicks off: Chris Carpenter against Jake Peavy, Chris Berman and Orel Hershiser announcing, and me still reeling from my random celebrity encounter between games. While waiting in line for a sandwich at one of my neighborhood lunch places, it took about 10 seconds before I realized that the guy standing behind me was the same guy who paid Dirk Diggler to, um, pleasure himself outside the church in Boogie Nights.

So that left me with three choices:

A. Tell him that I "loved you in Boogie Nights," followed by him spending the next 10 minutes wondering if that meant I loved him in Boogie Nights, or I just love scenes where guys pay former porn stars to pleasure themselves outside a church, followed by their friends beating the hell out of them.

B. Wait to pick up my sandwich, make eye contact with him, then tell him as calmly as possible, "It's 5 dollars if you want to see it, 10 dollars if you want me to (bleep) the sandwich off."

C. Stand there debating Option A vs. Option B for ten minutes, do nothing, get my sandwich and leave.

(Needless to say, I chose Option C. I'm a wuss. Back to the game.)

how i'm about as sick to my stomach as i possibly could be

as a mets fan, i can deal with pedro martinez being out of the playoffs and into next year. we've been preparing for that all year, and he did more than his fair share of heavy lifting this year. godspeed, pedro.

but with el duque possibly tearing his calf while jogging today, the day before he starts game one of the NLDS, well, is this some sort of joke?

i've never heard of a team losing two starting pitchers the week that the playoffs begin. i really haven't. that's completely insane.

it's insane.

could you imagine how bad off we'd be if tom glavine couldn't come back from his aneurysm? i shudder to think.

provided that el duque is gone, we're down to three starting pitchers, one of whom has been terrible this year.

what the hell just happened to our season?

how it's always thunderstorming in philadelphia

only in philadelphia, an especially at a philadelphia eagles game, can "the fan of the game" later be ejected.

i can't wait to see what they're gonna throw at terrell owens next week.

seriously, i'm expecting a chainsaw.

actually, they're already compiling a list.

how i laughed and then was repulsed

i saw photo and commentary on deadspin.com, and, well, times are good in lexington, i guess.

god bless the unintentional and accidental.

how i doubt we could find one - just one - politician who is decent

in case you haven't read florida representative mark foley's e-opus of love, one thing will shock you: did he really think this wouldn't get out?

and even though basically everyone in congress knew about his proclivities, nobody said or did a thing.

so he's a pedophile and an idiot. and given permission to be one by the spineless idiots around him.

lawmakers, all of them.

and they're all flawed. but not flawed like you and me. flawed like comic book supervillain, demented beyond your wildest nightmares, things that will make you cringe. there really seems to be nobody serving our country with a shred od dignity, decency or common sense.

i know that's not true, but am i that far from the truth?

just one normal one. that's all i ask.

then again, are they really out there? or do they just become scum when they enter office? is it something in the air of washington?

and what does it say about us, the voters? can't we just spot the pedophiles and the liars beforehand? or are we just choosing the lesser of evils?

where are the child molesters? the axe murderers? the shit eaters? and how soon will they govern us?

i just don't get it. i really don't.

how to do a movie review in seven words

"the science of sleep"
written and directed by michel gondry
starring gael garcia bernal and charlotte gainsbourg
viewed at the embarcadero, san francisco, ca

two hours of michel gondry metaphorically masturbating.