Tuesday, April 24, 2007

how i haven't done this in awhile, so here goes it

an actual e-mail taken directly from my inbox:

From:Jabu Zuma.
No.04 Chester Court, 145 Jan Smuts Ave
Ave. Opp. Goodman Gallery, Parkwood, JHB
P.O.Box1105 Saxonwold,2132.
Tel:+0027 73 310 5235.

Dear Sir,

Don't be surprised to receive this letter from me since you don't know me in person. I am MR.JABU ZUMA from Zimbabwe the first Son of Mr.NDULLOV ZUMA who was murdered in the land dispute in Zimbabwe by the agents of the ruling government of President ROBERT MUGABE, you must have heard his alleged support and sympathy for the opposition MDC PARTY led by the minority white farmers.


yes, i believed they touched on this issue during "two and a half men".

My Father was among the few black Zimbabwean rich farmers murdered in cold blood by the war veterans backed by the government. Before the death of my Father, he deposited the sum of US$21M (Twenty One Million United State Dollars) With one of the security company in Southern Africa, as if he knew the looming danger in ZIMBABWE. The money was deposited as a gem and precious stones to avoid much attraction & demurrage from the security firm. The money was earmarked for the purchase of new machinery and chemicals for the farms and the establishment of new farms in Lesotho and Swaziland before the regretted incident.

forgive me, for i was wrong, actually, sanjaya sang about this topic on "american idol" during "zimbabwe land bribery" week.

This Land problem arose when President Robert Mugabe introduced a new land act. Which wholly affects the white rich farmers and some few blacks vehemently condemned the "Modus operandi" adopted by the government.

This resulted to rampart killing and Mob actions. My mother and I are staying in South Africa now as Asylum seekers, which have not been beneficial to us; I have decided to transfer this money to a foreign country where we can invest it. I am faced with the dilemma of investing this amount of money in South Africa for fear of encountering the same experience in future since both countries have the same political policy and also law does not permit us to investment hence we’re refugees.


well, jabu zuma (may i call you "jabu"? or just "bu"? no, i shall call you "jabu")...well, jabu. that sucks for you. i can only imagine what your next step would be. possibly, you can contact a lawyer to help you extricate your finances from your former country. or you can get a jack bauer type character to enter the country with force and torture everyone who stands between you and your money. or you can sneak back in, ask for your cash in 21 individual million dollar bills, nonchalantly put them into your wallet and walk out like you just put your hands in the air and you just don't care. or, now humor me for a moment, you can also contact a writer based out in san francisco via e-mail, a perfect stranger if you will, and ask him for his help.

nah, that's stupid.


I must let you know that this business is 100% risk free and the nature of your business does not necessarily matter, you can help us if you wish. I and my family have agreed to give you 15% of the total 21M, 5% will be mapped out for all expenses that maybe incurred during the transfer and 80% will be for me and my family’s investment in your country.

dude, i was joking about the last option. seriously, get jack. he's only 5'6". nobody will see him.

Therefore if you are willing and interested to render the needed assistance, endeavor to reply through my mums private call her Lady. Marikave Zuma for more brief clarifications.

whoa...hold on a second. you want me to contact your mum's private? well, this took a turn to the kinky. and she named it "Lady Marikave Zuma"? dude, your mom's into some nasty stuff. and you seem to be a benefactor to all this. you, my friend, have issues you need to deal with.

not that this has to do with anything, but...is your mum hot?


I also need your private mobile, telephone and fax numbers for easy communication. Remember; this is highly confidential and the success of this business depends on how secret it is kept. Expecting your reply soonest.

if this were really highly confidential, we wouldn't be talking to each other through a private mobile, telephone or fax number.

like i said before, you really need jack bauer for this.


Best regards,
MR.JABU ZUMA (FOR THE FAMILY)


word to your mother.

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