how to hate holiday advertising

the two things i hate about the holidays are the complementary chest cold i get when i travel to new york and, more disgustingly, all the terrible advertising.

to begin with, there's gross superficiality stereotypes of people, especially women. in fact, if i were a woman in this country, i'd be outraged at how superficial and shallow i'm made out to be in these spots. just watch any jewelry commercial. the one that i hate the most is where the woman waits up for her husband (i guess) and a snow plow drops him off (i think) or maybe he stole it to get home and they hug outside as snow falls on them and then he gives her a ring and she hugs him even harder. seriously, wtf? is that ring worth more?

seriously, that's the template for every single jewelry spot. insulting.

but what really sets me off are the horrifyingly bad car commercials with their unconvincing winter/christmas/holiday sales specials (valid until the spring sales begin, by the way). they're usually punny or completely ridiculous.

here's the two i hate the most. i've converted them into scripts. and i hope those who wrote them and approved them see this and feel great shame.

"HAPPY HONDA DAYS"

we open on a board meeting. a bunch of executives are debating vociferously. there are charts and graphs scattered around the room. and, at the tensest moment, they all stop at once, and their eyes move to a chorus suddenly appearing in the doorway.

and as they begin to sing, we cut back to the busy executives, now caught up in the festive moment.

chorus: we wish you a happy honda day. we wish you a happy honda day. we wish you a happy honda day, for a happy new year.

cut to a quick montage of all the special deals a consumer can buy if they act now.

i hate that spot on so many levels. allow me to break it down.

1. how did the carolers even get inside the building?
2. why are they singing about hondas?
3. why do the executives give a shit? they haven't heard the deal yet.
4. was that pun the best they can do?
5. and that song is poorly written.

i don't want to talk about this anymore. so here's another.

"LEXUS DECEMBER TO REMEMBER"

we open on a woman on the internet. she's trying to decide what to buy her husband for christmas.

she's on a golfing website. maybe she'll buy him a driver. maybe she'll get him a new golf bag.

no. that won't do. she looks outside the window, and she sees a lexus with a bow on top of it. her eyes open. aha! and then the car pulls away, revealing that the bow was actually on top of a gate.

cut to a quick montage of all the special deals a consumer can buy if they act now.

end with the husband seeing the new lexus bought for him. he hugs his wife.

i have many gripes about this, but i'll focus on these two.

1. okay, she's looking on a golfing website. maybe a driver. maybe a bag. at the very most, we're looking at a purchase of a couple of hundred dollars. if she gets both, maybe she's spending $750 - and that's very extremely high-end. for most people, think $300. so her budget is less than a thousand. so she goes off and buys a car for somewhere around $60,000, blowing her budget by, oh, $59,000. makes complete sense.

2. how many "december to remembers" can you have? it's like the fifth year straight, and i don't remember any of them specifically. why is this december worth remembering over last year's what was worth remembering? huh? who? what?

this is how i roll when i'm sick.