Sunday, July 09, 2006

how this is the last soccer game i'll watch for four years

as soon as i put a pizza in the oven, italy scores.

guess i'll be staying away from croissants for the next hour. fries, too.

here's the added bonus about this game - it features the three best names in the tournament (in my opinion). of course, you've got zinedine zidane, who without research, i can safely say is the finest athlete the world has ever seen with the initials ZZ.

ooh, ahh, i just sprained my finger typing this blog! i'm in tremendous pain! ow! cart me off the web immediately! i need medical attention! my finger! my finger! take me to the nearest triage!

okay, i'm back! it's a miracle! pain free!

then you've got thierry henry, pronounced teary onri, which is only spoken as one word - tearyonri. it's so much better than the arrogance of just saying a players first name - like ronaldo. what about the other ronaldos? racism, i tell you.

arggh! my other hand is now injured! the pain is unbearable! we might have to amputate! lift me onto the stretcher and helicopter me to the nearest hospital pronto!

okay, i'm back! it's a miracle! pain free!

where was i? oh yeah, speaking of one word names, i give you my favorite: italy's luca toni. lucatoni. yeah, sounds just about right. and it's fun to say. i'm thinking about incorporating it into my vernacular. "this headline i just wrote is very...very...lucatoni, don't you think?" sure, it's nonsense, but it'll be my nonsense.

maybe it'll go like this:

"this headline is lucatoni, don't you think?"

" me, it's very tearyonri."

"is it because of the zinedine."

"ahh! ow! my torso! help me!"

okay, you might think i'm making an exaggeration of the babying of the injuries, but am i? as much as i've been blown away by the drama and poetry of soccer played on this stage, i've also been turned sick by the overall pussiness of the players acting like they've been shot every time they're touched. it becomes very hard to take these athletes seriously when they constantly react like five-year-old girls. it's embarrassing, and it devalues how amazing these athletes are.

lawrence taylor recorded four sacks against the redskins with a torn hamstring. kirk gibson hit one of the most famous and dramatic home runs in a world series on a torn hamstring. michael jordan wins the nba championship against utah with a 102-degree fever. arturo gatti gets his face bloodied and swollen, and still carries on to win his fights. erik cole played in games six and seven of the stanley cup playoffs, coming back early from his injury - a fractured vertebra in his neck.

a suddenly perfectly healthy zinedani zidane scores on a penalty kick against italy after rolling around like he's been lit on fire from a slight touch.

i'm just saying that, in perspective, it's hard to take these amazing athletes seriously when they act like pussies.

and, each time they flop, which is every minute or so, they act like pussies.

i just think that's the one major thing that's gonna keep soccer from really catching on in this country. we just don't have the stomach for that crap.

UPDATE: has any major athlete in any sport ever done something as incredibly and obviously retarted as zidane's headbutt to his italian opponent in overtime that earned himself a red card and an instant ejection? it's as if he were asking to be taken out of the game, his last game, one of the most important games of his life. i can't believe he did something as blatantly wrong like that.

i guess tyson-holyfield II comes to mind, when tyson bit holyfield's ear off. but in team sports? i can't imagine it. clemens throwing a bat at piazza maybe?

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