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thank you very much, distinguished guests, fellow webizens and, of course, barbaro.
i serve this blog in a time of great consequence. in the coming year, i have the duty to reform comedic bits vital to your entertainment; i have the opportunity to save tens of lives from the terrible disease of boredom. i will work for a prosperity of scathing commentary and inane observation that will be broadly shared by a select few.
in all these days of promise and days of reckoning, we can be confident. in a whirlwind of change and hope and peril, my faith is sure, my resolve is firm, and my sarcasm is strong.
(applause)
during the last two years, we have seen what can be accomplished when you read my website. we have seen throngs of grobanites band together en force against me, and you have seen me emerge victorious.
(applause)
we have seen the soul patrol join forces with steveohville by applauding gregg allman.
(applause)
and we have learned that a tattoo on an ass does indeed count as restitution.
(applause)
some might call this a good record; I call it a good start. tonight I ask everyone to join me in the next bold steps to serve this website.
my first goal is clear: kidnap scarlett johansson and keep her chained up in my bedroom.
(applause)
this is critical not only to your entertainment, but also to my emotional sanity. a kidnapped scarlett would allow me to make my days off from work that much more fulfilling. and it would allow me to continue freelancing without the paranoia of not being able to achieve something everyday on my days off. i would. multiple times. you can trust me on this matter.
this much is certain: i will not stop until this is achieved.
(applause)
i am proposing that i buy a new 50 inch high definition television within the current fiscal year.
(applause)
i can do this by any measure, whether by saving my money, working more or by asking scarlett to buy one for me in exchange for her release, of which i would not uphold. a high-definition television would allow my viewing of sports to be taken in a different level and, in return, this blog would also raise its game. also, i would be able to watch scarlett johansson movies in even greater detail. this much, i promise you.
(applause)
i should also strengthen my television viewing by getting some lasik surgery this year.
(applause)
although i do like my new elvis costello glasses that i just purchased, i feel that having 20/15 eyesight would not only bring more clarity to my viewing habits, but it would clear all my contact solutions off the table that is right by my bedside. this mess is unacceptable, and they would interfere with the chains i would use to keep scarlett attached to my bed. lasik will solve this problem. this operation will be swift and effective.
(applause)
i urge you to support me in these endeavors.
many challenges, abroad, at home and down the block, have arrived within this past year and will continue. in two years, steveohville has gone from a sense of weirdness to an awareness of irony; from quicktimes on youtube to witty deadspin repartee, and to calm unity in great causes, like the barbaro message board. and i go forward with confidence, because this call of history has come to the right blog.
(applause)
this blog asks you to have faith in ourselves, but not in ourselves alone. i do not know -- i do not claim to know all the ways of providence, yet we can trust in them, placing our confidence in the loving god behind all of life, and all of history.
and by god, i refer to jack bauer.
may god continue to bless steveohville.
(applause)
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