how i was both stirred and shaken

i have trouble working when i have close proximity to the internet. so i usually find a coffeehouse nearby, and my productivity soars. and it just so happens that there's a coffeehouse across the street from the agency i'm freelancing at. so, this morning, i took off with my sketchpad and checked it out.

i work in soma towards van ness, which is a haven for motorcycle shops, tattoo parlors and car service centers. this coffeehouse, however, was just like any other coffeehouse you'll find anywhere in the country. that is, if you don't count the burly biker dude behind the counter, adorned with a long beard, bald head, multiple earrings and wearing black from head to doc martens. his shirt had the logo of a thrash metal band i'd never heard of.

and he asked me, "would you like whipped cream in your hot chocolate?" and later, "would you like your turkey sandwich to be heated? it would only take a minute."

huh?

he was also in charge of the music, and i gotta say, it took a thrash-metal biker dude to find the best soundtrack possible for a coffeehouse, and it's probably not what you're thinking. as i kept my notebook open, concepting and writing, i listened to cds of emmylou harris and lucinda williams playing on the speakers. seriously, they're absolutely perfect for a coffeehouse, singer/songwriters with voices of character, music that's comfortable, eloquent and timeless. i'm shocked that no other java place has picked up on this.

then again, this guy did.

it was actually a fantastic session for me.

then some average looking guy came in. he's a regular, and began talking to the biker dude, who asked how his son is doing.

"fine. he just started a band with his friends."

"no shit, a band of ten-year-olds?"

"yeah."

"what type of music do they play?"

"ah, classic rock. you know, the eagles, zeppelin, the chili peppers..."

wawawhat? the chili peppers are classic rock?

then i thought about it, and yeah, actually, they are. how scary is that?

i'm planning on giving my cousin a ten-pack of cds for when she goes to college. they're just ten indespensible and influential cds that every college student should have heard just once - from "abbey road" to "exile on main street" to "ok computer" to "it takes a nation of millions". and, in that list, i'm gonna include "nevermind" by nirvana. when i told my friends about its inclusion, everyone told me, "nah. she knows it". yeah, but does she appreciate it?

think about it. that album came out 16 years ago (holy crap). when she hits college, it'll be 18.

18 years before i hit college, the bee gees were popular.

nirvana is classic rock. so are the chili peppers.

damn, perspective's a strange thing.

how i think i can do a full personality profile

after watching "24" on monday night, and seeing jack bauer's crazy brother take control, i've come to the conclusion that all his problems could have been solved if his parents had just given him a normal name.

yeah, that's what i'm saying. i think being named graem bauer hath brought upon him these demons.

no, that's not a misspelling. it's graem. and it's "gray" to jack, "graham" to his father (who also played louis' father in "revenge of the nerds").

anyways, had his name been spelled "graham" or even "gray", i think things would have worked out nicely.

but it's spelled "graem", and that would confuse the hell out of me too, which means i'd probably lash out in the same way that he did - like being responsible for the detonation of a nuke in los angeles.

i feel his pain.

how it can't hurt to take a listen

my buddy radcliffe just released his newest album, "all i can remember. he's a damn good guitarist and singer and a really great guy. give it a listen. hopefully, he'll be your cup of tea. or, in his case, microbrew.

check out his website if you need more radcliffe in your life.

how this has been the funniest day ever

as many of you have probably heard, the great horse barbaro was euthanized today. and, as many as you know, one of my favorite addictions recently has been the barbaro message board, where lonely 50-year-old women in middle america with a houseful of cats send e-mails to barbaro, assuming that he can read and he is catholic. so when he died today, horse shit hit the fan.

and, of course, my friends at deadspin were there to chime along - myself included.

what's fantastic is not making fun of a horse that died; that's not funny. but it's funny when you have these people who have deluded themselves into making barbaro a literate christian saint.

he's just a friggin horse. and if you can figure out the sincere ones from the jokes, then you're a better judge of comedy than i am.

below is a list of the entries, real and jokes, that made me piss myself. enjoy, courtesy of the deadspin barbaro page, tim woolley's racehorsing page and upenn's barbaro message board.

I am not ready to let him go! He deserves to pass on with dignity and grace, but there will be an irreparable hole in my heart always.
Posted by: Ruth Stacey in Northeast Ohio at January 29, 2007 5:01

I love you Barbaro - hang in there. All our arms are around you to help hold you up - use us as your strength when you get tired. We are all here for you and will be until you are well again.
Posted by: Debbie Singer at January 29, 2007 5:02 PM

I am glued to this site...
Posted by: Anita MA at January 29, 2007 5:11 PM

I do not think the tears will ever stop.
Posted by: susan green at January 29, 2007 5:36 PM

I cannot even function. I am at work and cannot even function.
I love you Barbaro.
Posted by: Sheila at January 29, 2007 5:52 PM

Dear Barbaro, I know you are in heaven now. You will meet us all at the rainbow when it's our turn and I/we can finally ride and meet you. Love you so much, Sher
Sherry, 50; Dallas, TX, usa
posted on 2007-01-29 15:26:20

His owners must be beside themselves with grief. All they're left with now are hundreds of fruit baskets, get well cards, 26 vials of frozen Barbaro semen, and a medical bill the size of the national debt. Whatever happened to the good old days where they shot them right there on the track?
01/29/07 01:00 PM

I'm sure they'll bury him in a cave and come back three days later to find him gone.
01/29/07 01:07 PM

Goodbye Barbaro. Thank you for everything you gave us. Be free.
Pamela; Dallas, TX, USA
posted on 2007-01-29 14:28:58

Beautiful Barbaro. You are my hero, and you have changed my life. I love you! I hope now someone will fight for not racing babies.
Posted by: Julie J at January 29, 2007 6:34 PM

I was recently injured and Barbaro gave me the spirit to fight on- and I will continue fighting on here in Florida!
Posted by: Ned at January 29, 2007 8:24 PM

You people make Catherine the Great very proud. Today is truly a great day for human/horse interspecies relations!
Posted by: Deadspinner at January 29, 2007 11:54 PM

But hey, on the plus side, Jon Benet Ramsey finally gets a pony to play with!
Posted by: Deadspinner at January 30, 2007 12:01 AM

Hey guys, this is Barbaro. Sorry to break this to you all, but I'm in Hell. Yeah, turns out horses can't go to heaven because we're all Jewish. So now I'm stuck with being ridden by Flamehind the Soulflayer with FOUR broken legs for the rest of eternity. Yeah, it sucks. If they sell my meat for food, try and get a good price for it, okay? Oh, and don't let them make my hooves into ashtrays. Those are really gauche.
Posted by: Barbaro at January 30, 2007 12:17 AM

good luck in the afterlife, horse.........and by afterlife i mean being eaten by kindergarteners during arts and crafts
Posted by: Mike C at January 30, 2007 12:16 AM

Barbaro's not dead, he's frozen. And one day he, John Wayne and Walt Disney are going to come back and rule the world as our bionic superhuman leaders. All hail king Barbaro!
Posted by: Deadspinner at January 30, 2007 12:21 AM

how soon until barbaro rises from the dead and shows himself to his retarted apostles?
Posted by: Chief Wiggum at January 30, 2007 12:22 AM

I hope all you jerks on the internet who make fun of Barbaro get cancer, and the cure that he was working on but never got to finish just laughs in your stupid, stupid faces.
Posted by: Hilary at January 30, 2007 12:25 AM

I just re-named all my Hummel figurines "Barbaro." They will reside in the Barbaro Memorial Hutch in the Barbaro Room of my house. After I clean out the stacks of old newspapers from 1971-1989 in there, I'll be able to show all of this to my houseguests.
Posted by: Dee Mirch at January 30, 2007 12:26 AM

All accross America, cats are being neglected by little old ladies in mourning.
01/29/07 12:33 PM

Dear Barbaro, I know you are in heaven now. You will meet us all at the rainbow when it's our turn and I/we can finally ride and meet you. Love you so much, Sher
Sherry, 50; Dallas, TX, usa
posted on 2007-01-29 15:26:20

Goodbye Barbaro. Thank you for everything you gave us. Be free.
Pamela; Dallas, TX, USA
posted on 2007-01-29 14:28:58

HERE LIES BARBARO
YOU CANNOT READ THIS EPITAPH. THIS EPITAPH WILL NOT BE READ TO YOU. BECAUSE YOU'RE A DEAD FUCKING HORSE.
01/29/07 12:34 PM

I can't wait for the Movie of the Week starring Sarah Jessica Parker. Do they actually shoot her if she is the star or is it just done with fancy camera work?
01/29/07 12:37 PM

did they jerk him off first?
01/29/07 12:39 PM

Somebody's got to ask the tough questions about the recent surgical actions of the veterinary staff. Specifically, did they stuff his leg with garlic and cloves to facilitiate the marinade, because the sooner you get that in place, the better.
01/29/07 12:44 PM

I loved Barbaro. I only wish if horses had to run and compete that there was some kind of stocking/padding they could wear over their legs to prevent breaks, as hockey players. Also, why hasn't more money been invested into laminitis? People need to consider donating money to race horses in their wills.
--ClaireElizabeth

the terrorists have won.
01/29/07 01:05 PM

"I THOUGHT THERE WERE BLANKS IN THAT GUN!!!!????"
Marmalard! DEAD! Neidermeyer! DEAD! Barbaro? DEAD!!
01/29/07 01:10 PM

If Christopher Reeve was alive, he'd be laughing his ass off right now.
01/29/07 01:16 PM

My heart is just breaking & my tears will not stop. Dear Beautiful Boy, May your journey across the Rainbow Bridge be painfree and now may you run with all of the other Champions that are waiting for you. God bless, Fancy
Fancy Allen, 39; Richmond, VA, USA
posted on 2007-01-29 15:07

Reuters is now reporting the procedure was carried out by Mongo.
01/29/07 01:34 PM

I can't describe the awesome whirlwind of emotions I've felt over the last eight months--you've given all of us so much strength. I plan to name my first child Barbaro, in hopes that he has half the heart that you did.
Michael Sambuceti, 24; New York, NY, USA
posted on 2007-01-29 14:25:18
01/29/07 01:34 PM

i haven't been this depressed about the death of a sports figure since mickey died in "rocky 3".
01/29/07 12:39 PM

Broken-hearted. Be free. God sustain those of us left behind.
Rugby; New London, PA,
posted on 2007-01-29 14:16:17

Barbaro, you are no longer just a hero...you are a legend. After your courageous fight I hope you are in horse heaven in lush green pasture, able to run your heart out, because you truly showed how much heart a horse can have!
Mary; Buena, NJ, USA
posted on 2007-01-29 15:03:58

My heart has just broken. It has just broken. I love you baby, I love you so much. Now you can run. You can run again baby. In the green pastures that I promised you. You can be free now honey. No more pain, no more procedures. You fought so hard but now you can just be at peace. You didn't lose the fight baby, you're doing what you always wanted to do, you're running now. Please take the love with you. Please know how much you are loved. You will never be alone because my love will be with you. For the last time, please let me kiss your beautiful nose honey. My heart has just broken. Good bye my love. Good Bye
Posted by: doe at January 29, 2007 5:47 PM

I knew dr r shouldnt have taken him out with no support on his leg-when he was taken outside that was wrong-he had no support -then at end he was not given sling-that was dr rs fault-he killed barbaro-he could have lived I hope dr r -goes to ----------=barbaro deserved better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: deanna at January 29, 2007 7:31 PM

I'm looking forward to the 2007 ESPY's (I'll never utter those words again, Promise) when they show the montage of "people we lost" And Barbaro's goofy fucking face pops on screen right next to Cory Lidle's.
01/29/07 02:50 PM

I credit to your humans as they knew when to let you be with GOD. HE needed a very special horse to ride the clouds and watch over the rest of the human race.
Pusskat7918@yahoo.com, 46; Woodlawn, VA, USA
posted on 2007-01-29 16:04:33

I do have to be honest here. I am still a little mad at God. In my opinion, he totally ignored me and I don't feel at this point that I want to waist my time with prayer anymore. It doesn't work........I prayed harder than I ever have in my life. NADA.....I love you Barbaro........ I will NOT EVER say goodbye..... I will see you soon.........
Posted by: Nina at January 30, 2007 12:45 AM

Yes, it's true Barbaro lived inside all of us.
Posted by: Bonnie MacRaith at January 29, 2007 8:04 PM

They're not booing, they're saying "you're gluuuuuuuuuue..."
01/29/07 04:03 PM

and, to end it, a few haikus:

Barbaro has died.
Legions of retarded kids
Wait with bated breath.

Death of Barbaro,
Who benefits? Haagen-Dasz
And Ben & Jerrys.

Barbaro's death. So tragic.
Somewhere a cat is beaten
By a fat housewife.

Barbaro's death is a
National day of mourning
For all pet groomers.

Where is Barbaro?
I'm not sure, but my Moo Goo
Gai Pan sure tastes great!

01/29/07 01:38 PM

how it's getting to the point

where roger federer is gonna have to play tennis piss drunk while using a racket without strings just to make it somewhat interesting.

how embarrassing just isn't the right word

i love it when corporations try to be "hip" when they people who run them are so clearly are not.

pizza hut jumps right into the myspace craze which ended years ago with a page for ted, ""america's most-loved pizza delivery guy". check it out. go ahead. i dare you. if you happen to have stolen a vomit bag from an airplane recently, now might be the time to break it out.

you back yet? i apologize for that.

it just goes to prove if you think advertising is horrible, then take any the limitations of a thirty second tv spot and see what happens - and see how little sublety they have with a phrase like "click here if you want some cheesy goodness right now."

seriously? is there anyone under the age of 55 who works for pizza hut that would warn them against using such "hip" and "cool" terms like "booyah" and "partay" and "babealicious" and...jesus christ, if i write another word about this, i'm gonna kill myself.

© 2007 Pizza Hut, Inc. All idiotic rights reserved. The Pizza Hut name, logos, related marks, corny dialogue, brainless concepts, insulting premises, overall whiteness and complete lack of respect for your intelligence are trademarks of Pizza Hut, Inc.

how this is my state of the blog address

(applause)

thank you very much, distinguished guests, fellow webizens and, of course, barbaro.

i serve this blog in a time of great consequence. in the coming year, i have the duty to reform comedic bits vital to your entertainment; i have the opportunity to save tens of lives from the terrible disease of boredom. i will work for a prosperity of scathing commentary and inane observation that will be broadly shared by a select few.

in all these days of promise and days of reckoning, we can be confident. in a whirlwind of change and hope and peril, my faith is sure, my resolve is firm, and my sarcasm is strong.

(applause)

during the last two years, we have seen what can be accomplished when you read my website. we have seen throngs of grobanites band together en force against me, and you have seen me emerge victorious.

(applause)

we have seen the soul patrol join forces with steveohville by applauding gregg allman.

(applause)

and we have learned that a tattoo on an ass does indeed count as restitution.

(applause)

some might call this a good record; I call it a good start. tonight I ask everyone to join me in the next bold steps to serve this website.

my first goal is clear: kidnap scarlett johansson and keep her chained up in my bedroom.

(applause)

this is critical not only to your entertainment, but also to my emotional sanity. a kidnapped scarlett would allow me to make my days off from work that much more fulfilling. and it would allow me to continue freelancing without the paranoia of not being able to achieve something everyday on my days off. i would. multiple times. you can trust me on this matter.

this much is certain: i will not stop until this is achieved.

(applause)

i am proposing that i buy a new 50 inch high definition television within the current fiscal year.

(applause)

i can do this by any measure, whether by saving my money, working more or by asking scarlett to buy one for me in exchange for her release, of which i would not uphold. a high-definition television would allow my viewing of sports to be taken in a different level and, in return, this blog would also raise its game. also, i would be able to watch scarlett johansson movies in even greater detail. this much, i promise you.

(applause)

i should also strengthen my television viewing by getting some lasik surgery this year.

(applause)

although i do like my new elvis costello glasses that i just purchased, i feel that having 20/15 eyesight would not only bring more clarity to my viewing habits, but it would clear all my contact solutions off the table that is right by my bedside. this mess is unacceptable, and they would interfere with the chains i would use to keep scarlett attached to my bed. lasik will solve this problem. this operation will be swift and effective.

(applause)

i urge you to support me in these endeavors.

many challenges, abroad, at home and down the block, have arrived within this past year and will continue. in two years, steveohville has gone from a sense of weirdness to an awareness of irony; from quicktimes on youtube to witty deadspin repartee, and to calm unity in great causes, like the barbaro message board. and i go forward with confidence, because this call of history has come to the right blog.

(applause)

this blog asks you to have faith in ourselves, but not in ourselves alone. i do not know -- i do not claim to know all the ways of providence, yet we can trust in them, placing our confidence in the loving god behind all of life, and all of history.

and by god, i refer to jack bauer.

may god continue to bless steveohville.

(applause)

how i knew these lunatics would make a connection

from my favorite website ever, the barbaro message board.

Barbaro-Your COLTS and my BEARS meet in SB XLI! Will Dr.Dean let you go to Miami? Your B bracelet was the good luck charm! Hope you have a great week! Rosary for you/Team B-Ecl.Awards!
Linda, 45; Peoria, IL, USA
posted on 2007-01-22 12:56:24

Sweet lovable Barbaro, you're my #1 COLT, so I was pulling for those NFL Colts in your honor, my love! Wheee, you're headed to the Superbowl, big fella!! By the way, I was pulling for the Bears, too! I'll always root for the four-legged ones!
Ginnie James, 66; Brunswick, GA, USA
posted on 2007-01-22 11:30:03

one day, the doctors are gonna enter barbaro's stall and see that he's hung himself to death, leaving only a note that says, "seriously, you people".

poor guy.

how i really feel great for them, i really do

the colts-pats game was one of the best games i've ever seen - in any sport. very few things in the world bring as much drama and excitement as sports, and this game was the finest example. i had goosebumps. my heart raced. i had a lump in my throat.

and to see peyton manning, the much maligned peyton manning, lead that comeback with so much on the line...jesus christ, more power to him. what a hell of a game played by one hell of a player. i feel great for him. maybe now he'll get the endorsements he so richly deserves.

and even moreso, i feel so great for tony dungy, who throughout the last couple of years has been a epitome of what a good man is. and now, with one amazing win, he's proven once again that he's exactly what a good coach should be.

great great stuff.

how not even a language barrier can hold clint down

starring ken watanabe and shido nakamura
directed by clint eastwood
written by iris yamashita
viewed at the embarcadero center, san francisco, ca

it's becoming clearer to me that the best filmmaker in the world is probably clint eastwood, and he has been for awhile. of course, he has the oscars to back that up, but what's striking is the thoughtfulness, subtlety, skill, drama and care that takes place within every frame of each film he makes. and, with each passing film, he gets better and better which is just incredible.

even a film like "flags of our fathers", which i don't rank among his best, is still one of the best films i've seen this year. but this isn't about that film; it's about its much better sibling.

eastwood filmed this movie at about the same time as "flags" and intended for them to be complementary pieces to a horrible battle. the thoughtfulness of taking both sides of this fight, and dedicating two different films and storytelling techniques to each of them, is purely brilliant stuff. but that's just where the brilliance began.

first off, it's exceptionally directed. and, considering the whole movie is in japanese, it's mindblowing that he was able to direct while hearing a foriegn language and still have the feeling be that evident. that speaks miles of the trust he keeps with his actors. (however, i wonder how the film is absorbed by someone who speaks the language). the script is powerful and emotional and told with the precisely right amount of compassion and delicacy it deserves. the performances are strong all around. and the color treatment is close to monochromatic, which allows for the reds of the japanese flag and fire to really pop. again, thoughtfulness.

and the content within the story is sad and emotional. they are completely absorbed through each second.

brilliant stuff by a brilliant artist.

is this the best movie of the year? possibly. it's in the "dreamgirls" and "the departed" group, just a half step ahead of "babel", "the queen", "volver" and "little miss sunshine" in my little world. it's been a strong year for films, and this is among the strongest.

but to consider it as just a foreign film would be a disaster. besides, it's an american film with a japanese script with an american crew filming a japanese cast. i don't know how you categorize that, and i don't care.

it's just a great film, a very human story, that happens to be in japanese.

how this kind of math makes sense to me

will ferrell + napoleon dynamite + a magician named GOB. multiplied by figure skating.

this might hit level 18 harding.

how i think what angelina jolie does is admirable but seriously, enough is enough

in case you haven't heard, which will be imminent, considering this will be the lead story on all your networks within a day or two, brad pitt and angelina jolie have decided to move to new orleans.

now, i love new orleans as much as anyone. there's very few cities in the world that could match its character and personality and i wish nothing more than to see it rise back to where it was just three years ago.

but it's gonna take a lot of work.

and i don't know what the world's most beautiful people are going to prove by living there.

honestly, what's the point? i mean, they're not going to move to the destroyed sections. they're not gonna live among the homeless and the drug addicted. does their residence there link it to their other charity cases like ethiopia, cambodia and namibia? will that open our eyes?

our eyes are already open.

are they going to save the city, person by person? are they going to adopt a child from the 9th ward?

i'm coming down hard on them. that's not my intention. hey, more power to them for actually doing something instead of, i don't know, blogging about doing something, i admire them for that. i really do.

but my real question here is this: what point do their actions end being charitable and begin being promotional?

how the season premiere of "american idol" has taught us all a very important lesson

and that lesson would be that if minneapolis were rocking anything, it would be the brandon walsh unbuttoned shirt look from 90210.*

and that got me jonesing the world of 90210, so i checked to see if youtube had anything.

you bet your ass they do.

here's season 1 opening credits for "beverly hills 90210" and the classic "turn to the camera" credits for season 5.

one word comes to mind: douchebags.


* - would you believe, with all the crap that's on the internet, that i couldn't find a shot of brandon walsh with that style, where he wore a button down shirt with the top three buttons undone over a unicolor undershirt? it's as if jason priestley went online and personally erased any evidence of it, just so i wouldn't have a good payoff for my joke. yes, ladies and gentlemen, i just spent thirty minutes of my life that i'm never gonna get back looking for just one image to make that joke work - and yet, that one was the best i could do.

all this for a joke, and it's only 65% funny. don't say i don't work my ass off for you.

how it took me about fifteen minutes to deliberate over this, and i think it was time well spent

over at deadspin, they asked "who do you dislike more, peyton manning or tom brady?"

i actually thought long and hard about this, as did most of my fellow commentors. i made a mental list, weighed pro and cons, and had them debate each other. but with most complicated questions, there is a simple answer to be found, and this is what i posted:

tom brady is at the top of his game professionally in the highest pressure situations, and he bangs the hottest chicks around him within a fifty-mile radius. tom brady is, in other words, james bond. and who among us wouldn't kill to be james bond?

so what am i saying? cut that meat, peyton. cut that meat.

am i wrong? who's with me?

am i a sad man for putting fifteen minutes of thought into this?

don't answer that.

how i have one major question with "lost"

i just watched season one of "lost". yes, i know, i am the last person to have watched it. i get it. i'm late to the party. and, after one season, i have the same confusions as everyone else. and although the whole concept is ridiculous, one question sticks out in my mind, and i'm having trouble getting over it because it stems from something personal:

i've never been on an airplane with a hot chick.

and yet, this oceana liner had kate, shannon, clare and sun on it.

are you kidding me? i can speak from experience that having one hot chick on a plane, much less four, does not happen. it has not happened to me, and i fly a lot. hot chicks do not fly. it does not happen.

and yet, four smoking hot chicks were on this plane.

i call bullshit.

how i think it's actually more amazing to find video of paula abdul sober

i can't tell if paula's drunk or stoned in this video. it's honestly too close to call.

either way, she's obviously being tasered throughout.

how the unintentional is always the funniest of humors

my buddy paal sent me this. it's uninentional urls for companies. hilarity ensued.

"who represents" where you can find the agent that represents a celebrity. www.whorepresents.com

experts exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views. www.expertsexchange.com

looking for a pen? look no further than pen island. www.penisland.net

need a therapist? try therapist finder. www.therapistfinder.com

welcome to the first cumming methodist church. www.cummingfirst.com

how i wish for his sake that bill o'reilly is joking

i just happened to watch the beginning of "bill o'reilly" on fox news, and i've come to the realization that he is completely out of his mind.

for the record, i watch fox news as much as i watch cnn and msnbc just to hear the other side of the ledger, although at some times, their side is unbelievably biased and tilted. or brainwashed. yes, that's a good word.

but every so often, they have a point, a very good point, and i am better off for it.

anyways, back to o'reilly and being brainwashed. to begin his show, he gave a list of all the media outlets that he deemed were either "fair" to the president's speech or those that continued with "the anti-bush bias".

he had some listed as fair.

everything and everyone else, biased.

of course, although he didn't mention them personally, "the anti-bush bias" could also include:
republicans
democrats
iraqis
the iraq commission
the military
conservatives
liberals
the american people

all of them, idiots.

of course, his point is that if we don't drink the kool aid, we don't know what we're missing.

you know, because we can't tolerate such a thing as opposing thought.

how i couldn't be as eloquent and as vitrolic as this

this is a link to keith olbermann's special comment about our president's new strategy for iraq.

this is, of course, a strategy that democrats, republicans, iraqi war commissions, diplomats, commentators, the american people - hell, even pat buchanan! - are vehemently against.

it's brilliant.

this is easily the most incidiary part of olbermann's speech, and once it's read out like this, you realize that the person in office is the worst candidate for the job in our entire country.


He has told us the war is necessary:

Because Saddam was a material threat.

Because of 9/11.

Because of Osama Bin Laden. Al-Qaida. Terrorism in general.

To liberate Iraq. To spread freedom. To spread Democracy. To prevent terrorism by gas price increases.

Because this was a guy who tried to kill his dad.

Because — 439 words in to the speech last night — he trotted out 9/11 again.

In advocating and prosecuting this war he passed on a chance to get Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi.

To get Muqtada Al-Sadr. To get Bin Laden.

He sent in fewer troops than the generals told him to. He ordered the Iraqi army disbanded and the Iraqi government “de-Baathified.”

He short-changed Iraqi training. He neglected to plan for widespread looting. He did not anticipate sectarian violence.

He sent in troops without life-saving equipment. He gave jobs to foreign contractors, and not Iraqis. He staffed U.S. positions there, based on partisanship, not professionalism.

He and his government told us: America had prevailed, mission accomplished, the resistance was in its last throes.

He has insisted more troops were not necessary. He has now insisted more troops are necessary.

He has insisted it’s up to the generals, and then removed some of the generals who said more troops would not be necessary.

He has trumpeted the turning points:

The fall of Baghdad, the death of Uday and Qusay, the capture of Saddam. A provisional government, a charter, a constitution, the trial of Saddam. Elections, purple fingers, another government, the death of Saddam.

He has assured us: We would be greeted as liberators — with flowers;

As they stood up, we would stand down. We would stay the course; we were never about “stay the course.”

We would never have to go door-to-door in Baghdad. And, last night, that to gain Iraqis’ trust, we would go door-to-door in Baghdad.

He told us the enemy was al-Qaida, foreign fighters, terrorists, Baathists, and now Iran and Syria.

He told us the war would pay for itself. It would cost $1.7 billion. $100 billion. $400 billion. Half a trillion. Last night’s speech alone cost another $6 billion.

And after all of that, now it is his credibility versus that of generals, diplomats, allies, Democrats, Republicans, the Iraq Study Group, past presidents, voters last November and the majority of the American people.

Mr. Bush, this is madness.

You have lost the military. You have lost the Congress to the Democrats. You have lost most of the Iraqis. You have lost many of the Republicans. You have lost our allies.

You are losing the credibility, not just of your presidency, but more importantly of the office itself.

And most imperatively, you are guaranteeing that more American troops will be losing their lives, and more families their loved ones. You are guaranteeing it!

This becomes your legacy, sir: How many of those you addressed last night as your “fellow citizens” you just sent to their deaths.

And for what, Mr. Bush?

So the next president has to pull the survivors out of Iraq instead of you?


bravo, mr. olbermann. our country is a laughinstock because of the laughingstock that leads us, the laughingstock that we fraudently elected.

we're getting ready to instigate a war with iran, right off a clear concise defeat in iraq, and led by the same laughingstock who has shown no foresight, no clear plan, no war or political acumen to speak of, to give any of us any hope that it'll all end up well.

my god, what a mess this has become. heaven help us.

how it's all swampy in the meadowlands

yesterday, the new york football giants signed coach tom coughlin to a one year extension.

today, the new york football giants promoted jerry reese to general manager.

i'm having trouble comrpehending this.

i understand that the maras and the tischs do not like change. they've got rooney blood in them, and the steelers have had two coaches in what, thirty years? and having to replace the gm and firing the coach probably scared the crap out of them.

i'm guessing they had already promoted reese weeks ago. they would not have chosen a coach and then a gm, whose job is to find a coach. if this wasn't reese's decision, then something is wrong in the meadows.

so they've spent the last couple of days evaluating coughlin, and they've decided to essentially give him a one year tryout to shape things up.

my problem is that it may be too late. we can't give him another year, and i'm basing that decision on the last three years.

we can't afford to have another year of eli regressing.
we can't afford to waste another year of michael strahan.
we can't afford to have another year of faltering down the stretch.
we can't afford another year of not adjusting (read: being outcoached).

i know i can't take another year of the penalties.

even if this is a one year stall tactic to sign bill cowher, i don't like it. we have a franchise quarterback who has been bringing the franchise down, and another year under the coughlin regime doesn't seem like it'll change his downward spiral. that is obvious.

coughlin for another year is a strike against eli.

and i'm not sure that was the decision to be made.

how as even this blog will attest, people will write about anything - and i mean anything

in the new issue of "modern drunkard magazine" - and that's not something i made up - there's an article about the greatest drunkard of all-time, which was beloved wrestler andre the giant.

it's a fascinating read, if not especially well-written, about his drinking exploits which are completely amazing.

and that's from your friends from "modern drunkard magazine".

that's why words were created.

god bless them.

how i wish i were once a celtics or lakers fan

because i would buy this shirt. or this shirt.

or go old school and buy this one.

tres cool.

how i didn't know that things like this existed

but i thank god that there's no surge protector to save the idiocy from rushing out of this guy's mouth.

one thing is certain: this man will one day get married, and his inlaws will make fun of him. and then, this man will have children, and they will make fun of him. and he will one day have grandchildren, and they will also make fun of him.

he might as well just kill himself.

how this donald and rosie thing escalates, and i escalate with it

barbara walters high fives rosie o'donnell on tv to show her support against donald.

donald reiterates that barbara called rosie a fat pig to him in private, and then calls barbara "a sad figurehead lead around by a third-rate comedian".

and now madonna with her fake accent is getting behind rosie.

this is gonna get gooder.

how you can't expect miracles when the thinking is predictable

so i just spent some time completely downloading the president's speech from last night, and i've read countless articles against it and the numerous few for it. much like most of you, i've never been to iraq and i haven't been there recently, so everything is speculation. but here's where i'm at.

in theory, this is a good idea. in theory. when the status quo isn't working, you need to change it.

the problem is that this is way too late for this implementation. it's as if bush has decided to put the full court press on to get back into the game, but the problem is that he's down thirty with a minute left. yeah, you might get it down to 26, but what's the point?

what gets me about this whole iraq thing is that our politicians have come up with four options:
1. more troops
2. status quo
3. less troops
4. full pullout

four predictable options. four obvious options.

and yet, it seems that none of those options seems to be one that would work. more troops seems like a disaster, status quo is a disaster, less troops would be a disaster, and full pullout would probably destroy iraq. so why are we even still considering any of them?

in theory, we elect our brightest minds to lead our country. but it just seems that these brightest minds are doing nothing more than numberfucking instead of coming up with something radical, something new, something brilliant. it's more about gauging what number would be best for their future political campaign. the time spent on that should be spent to think unpredictably on nonconventional answers.

hell, maybe these thoughts shouldn't come from politicians. maybe there should be a committee of non-politicians and non-military people who would look at this in a completely non-partisan way. they might come up with something other than numberfucking. without being bogged down by politics and elections, they might actually provide a different way of looking at a problem. put a scientist, a mathematician, a philosopher, a CEO, a writer...you get the idea. different people, different viewpoints, different ways to solve a problem.

it beats what we've got going on right now.

then again, our president doesn't listen to the people he serves or his own political party. it would be a wasted effort. unless they lived in "his gut".

there's always a better answer.

how you gotta hand it to trump

i always listen to jim rome's radio show while on my morning runs through the presidio. today, he was going off on a rant about the whole rosie o'donnell/donald trump feud. i've managed to distance myself from the whole thing, but he brought up a good point that made me actually think about it for a second.

he said that when rosie insults donald, it comes across as fake. and that's a method of her having ther on-camera persona seem nice when it's widely known that she really isn't so nice offstage. it seems scripted because it probably is. and that's everything about her is scripted.

the donald, however, is right as ease when he's insulting rosie. it's as if he's reading the ingredients off a menu. it's rat-a-tat-tat, one after the other, cold-mannered and without any sort of voice inflections. his method is very matter-of-fact and, to be honest, after listening him rank on her on "conan", i gotta say it's really effective, even if he's wrong. for example, when he calls her fat and ugly, which are opinions (i know, but i'm just making a point), he makes it sound like it's scientific fact. or like a tomato on a BLT. it just is. his method of insulting is very systematic and lethal.

it's a mismatch, really.

i can't wait to see where this leads.

but wherever it goes, methinks it'll probably be fat and ugly.

how i blew a golden opportunity

while walking down clement street, i saw a store being gutted out. and i saw two movers transporting a huge pane of glass, flat side towards me.

and i thought, wouldn't it be funny if...

how i like to use metaphors

although this photo of mariah carey has nothing to do with the college football national championship, i think it's a fairly concise representative of how much of a train wreck that game was.

how i'm officially jealous

i saw this commercial for "old spice" yesterday during the nfl playoffs and was officially jealous.

here's why:
1. bruce friggin' campbell.
2. the cryptic dialogue.
3. the neverending painting behind him goes from day to night to day and includes a sea monster.
4. he ends up at a reversed set from how he started.
5. it actually makes sense. somewhat.

jealous.

how the bank of america guys just found their opening act

ladies and gentlemen, i present to you, white rapping weather woman from north carolina. yep, you read that right. and it's not a dave chappelle skit.

white rapping weather woman from north carolina.

word.

how i don't need a league to fantasize about this

i don't really know what this means or how this works or why this even exists, but a fantasy barbeque league just sounds delicious, even if it is just make-believe.

excuse me. i need to down some fantasy sweet tea.

how i just took an elbowdrop down memory lane

i was sent a link to youtube, which i swear has everything online, of a seminal moment from my childhood - and i'm talking about none other than randy "macho man" savage dropping the timekeeper's bell onto the throat of ricky "the dragon" steamboat. amazingly enough, it's exactly how i remembered it as it happened. that kinda freaked me out, but then again, i can quote much of "the karate kid".

no matter what you're talking about, you can summon some magic when you get two of the best together. and those two were magic for me and my friends back around 1985.

oooooh yeah.

how i just watched the scariest movie i've seen in a long time

i just purchased "an inconvenient truth" from ppv. as you may already know, it's a documentary about al gore and his global warming slideshow/powerpoint presentation.

it is powerful and utterly convincing.

before you say, "dude, a documentary? i don't want to watch a documentary", well, keep in mind that nowadays, documentaries are the best storytelling you'll find, and they've come a long way from what we all saw in grammar school. so, beyond anything else, it is not boring by any means. in fact, the ideas and facts and stats are completely thought provoking and, honestly, scary beyond words.

and, since this is something he cares deeply about, gore actually emotes, and that brings about a humanity about him that wasn't seen in his presidential campaign. he is in no way robotic. in fact, he is actually, dare i say, somewhat presidential. and professorial.

and, republican and conservative true believers, take note that this is not "fahrenheit 9/11" for global warming. in fact, there's nothing political in this - outside of a few quick jokes here and there. in fact, with every proposition stated, there's facts and stats to back them all up. no hippy shit, just science backed up by, you know, science. and with every propostion, there's another proposition then based upon that. that's the way nature works, one thing affecting another, and so on. like i said, really scary shit, but well worth hearing, so we all know what we're getting into.

no blame is placed on any political party. it's just purely about the health of our planet, and how these 70 degree days you've had in december and january on the east coast aren't such a good thing.

no matter what you think of the guy, personally or politically, none of that comes into play during this documentary. in fact, if you strip all that baggage away, he comes across as a well-read man giving a theory proven a million times over.

i couldn't recommend this any more.

how i'm pretty damn sure it's gonna be a struggle to wait for this

i present to you "the grindhouse", directed by robert rodriguez and quentin tarantino, and i also present to you rose mcgowan with a gun for a leg.

awesome stuff.

god dammit, april 6. i can't wait.

how we should also be worried about the "t word"

it seems that the employee who plays "tigger" smacked a kid at disneyworld.

this comes two years after another employee who played "tigger" was accused of fondling a 13-year-old boy.

tigger, please.

how i completely agree with this gentleman's assessment and i wish to subscribe to his newsletter

check out this "how to win a bar fight" video from your everyday drunken idiot.

and by everyday drunken idiot, i mean someone who put a lot of thought and effort into this technique and can probably dispose of me within seconds.

thanks, marco, for the tip.

how to hate something you love

i just read an article by the sports guy in which he wrote, "if you ever want to torture a longtime Mets fan, ask him to make his 'All-Time Least Favorite Mets' lineup, then tell him that he can pick only three outfielders between George Foster, Vince Coleman, Kevin McReynolds and Bobby Bo. They'll spend at least three hours trying to figure it out."

well, that sparked a conversation with my brother and dad.

my brother has his all-hate team. here's mine and why, with my brother's picks in parentheses.

C-john stearns - dude was never healthy. i mean, never healthy. and this is coming from someone who couldn't stay on a basketball court. (bro's pick: mackey sasser)

1B-jose offerman - for some reason, this fossil couldn't hit, couldn't field, and willie randolph couldn't take him out of the lineup. (bro's pick: mo vaughn)

2B-robert alomar - i was gonna put kaz matsui here. he sucked, but tried. roberto, he sucked and couldn't give a crap. (bro's pick: same)

3B-carlos baerga - out of shape athletes make fans run out of patience. (bro's pick: gregg jefferies)

SS-rey ordonez - called new york baseball fans "stupid". we called his bat "flaccid". (bro's pick: kaz matsui)

OF-vince coleman - this jackass threw a firecracker into a crowd. hard to cheer for someone like that, especially when he doesn't get on base. (bro's pick: same)

OF-bobby bonilla - i don't need to justify this selection. (bro's pick: same)

OF-kevin mcreynolds - good player who didn't give the effort to be a great player. that pisses us off. (bro's pick: juan samuel)

SP-mike hampton - technically, i cheated on this one. i never booed him as a met, but it was his ending that spurred my venom. instead of saying, "hey, i chose to sign with colorado because i'm just not a new york guy", he cited the colorado school system being better than the new york school system - as if his kids aren't weren't gonna attend private school. what a redneck ass. (bro's pick:kenny rogers, and will happily substitute him for hampton if the judges disagree with my selection)

SP-shawn estes - failed to knock roger clemens' head off. (bro's pick: doc gooden)

SP-kaz ishii - this strikeless wonder was kept in the rotation about seven starts too long. ((bro's pick: generation k)

SP-victor zambrano - having scott kazmir traded for him is not his fault, but put him on a short leash. not throwing strikes and lying about his injury made it suffocating. (bro's pick: same)

RP-armando benitez - 'nuff said. (bro's pick: same)

RP-doug sisk - when his sinker didn't sink, he sucked. and this sucktard's sinker stopped sinking. (bro's pick: braden looper, who was fun to boo but the guy pitched through a torn rotator cuff)

how i only made it about 85 seconds through, and that was a miracle in itself

defamer.com has a video of corey haim talking about, well, i don't really know what and, to be honest, i doubt he does either.

what i will say, however, is that he obviously wasn't the talented corey.

forgive me for putting this on the interwebs.

how there's no new year's like a tara reid new year's

at the new year's party i went to, we were all in such deep conversation that we all missed the countdown. so, i wasted my one instance of brilliance per year in the opening moments by rewinding "new year's rockin' eve" through the dvr so we could relive the final thirty seconds we missed. so we celebrated new year's a minute later. it was hilarious and fantastic. i credit myself for saving new year's.

then again, as brilliant as that was, and i must admit, i was indeed brilliant, it doesn't compare to another new year's celebration featuring tara reid counting down to 0 from 60 but skipping over numbers and ignoring the twenties while pedro, who you should vote for, stares idiotically.

now that's brilliant stuff.

how i actually watched a bowl game that wasn't meaningless

okay, in reality, they're all meaningless. i don't give a shit if wisconsin beats auburn, or that usc won the rose bowl, or wondering if the third best acc team can beat the 4th best sec team. a bowl game is an excuse to get fans and alumni to travel, party and spend money on merchandise. the games are basically irrelevant.

and i'm counting the bcs championship game too. that's a shameful way to decide a champion.

but i'm watching the fiesta bowl between oklahoma and boise state, and there's a ton in the balance for this game. can david beat goliath? can little boise state from a no-name conference prove itself against a tradition-dripping powerhouse? are they really big time? you see, there's something truly at stake here, so much so that the new governor of idaho just flew in for the game, just hours after he was sworn in. this game means something.

and it's been a great game, with boise building a big lead, oklahoma coming back, tying the game with a minute left, taking the lead on an interception return one play later. and, just 53 seconds later, boise ties the game at the end of regulation with - get this - a lateral. yep, they tied the game with the good ol' hook and ladder with no time left on the clock.

awesome.

now we're in overtime and oklahoma quickly scores on a td, and boise state's backup qb throws a touchdown pass to tie it. why was the backup in? because they had the starting quarterback in motion on the play!

did i mention they called this play on fourth down?

and, on the two point conversion, going for the win instead of the tie, boise state's qb fakes a throw to the right, where they overloaded, and instead quickly hands it off - behind his back - to the tailback on his left, who scampers in, untouched. yep, the statue of liberty play.

balls aplenty.

an entire state celebrates.

questions answered.

cinderella justified.

it's a good thing there's no playoffs in college football. who'd want to see a bunch of these games with everything on the line?

btw, i'm now rooting for ohio state to lose to florida, leaving boise state as the only unbeaten team in college football with a big win on their register. i'd like to see the reasoning behind them not being a national champion instead of a team with a loss. explain that to me.

that would also take balls aplenty.

UPDATE: as the star running back of boise state, after the biggest win of his career on his game-winning two-point conversion run, was being interviewed, he proposes to his girlfriend, the head cheerleader, on live television.

balls aplenty all over.