how to scam a scammer

my buddy tony sent me this e-mail chain from craigslist about nigerian scammers. it's long but fantastic. read below:



DEAR SIR,

MY NAME IS MR ADAKU OGEIBRI, THE FIRST SON OF LATE MR NDIBEYA

OGEIBRI,AFORMER DIRECTOR OF ADMINISTRATION AND FINANCE IN THE ALADJA STEEL ROLLING MILL IN EFURUN NEAR WARRI, DELTA STATE OF NIGERIA WHO DIED IN AN EAS BAC11 PLANE CRASH ON MAY, 4TH 2005.I HAVE JUST RECENTLY BEEN INFORMED BY MY LATE FATHER'S BANKING OFFICER THAT THE OLD MAN OPERATED A SECRET ACCOUNT WITH THE BANK INTO WHICH A TOTAL SUM OF SEVEN MILLION EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS (US$7,800,000) WAS TRANSFERED AND CREDITED IN HIS FAVOUR. I HAVE NOW BEEN ADVICED BY THE BANKING OFFICER TO SEEK IN CONFIDENCE A FOREIGN ACCOUNT INTO WHICH THIS FUND COULD BE TRANSFERED FOR SAFE KEEPING TO AVOID A LEAK FROM THE HIS FORMER EMPLOYERS.

IT HAS BEEN RESOLVED THAT 25% WILL BE YOUR SHARE FOR NOMINATING AN ACCOUNT FOR THIS PURPOSE AND ANY OTHER ASSISTANCE YOU GIVE IN THAT REGARD, 5% HAS BEEN SLATED FOR REIMBURSEMENT OF ALL LOCAL AND INTERNATIONL EXPENSES WHICH MAY BE INCURED IN THE TRANSFER PROCESS, AND 5% HAS BEEN CONCEDED TO THE LOCAL BANKING OFFICER HERE ASSISTING AND FACILITATING THE TRANSFER. FINALLY 65% WILL COME TO MYSELF AND FAMILY AND A GOOD PART OF THIS SHALL BE DIRECTED TOWARDS EXECUTING HIS WILL, WHICH IS TO BUY SHARES AND STOCK IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES AND TO SECURE HIS CHILDREN'S FUTURE. TO FACILITATE THE CONCLUSION OF THIS TRANSACTION, IF ACCEPTED, DO SEND TO ME PROMPTLY BY E-MAILLING THE FOLLOWING:

1.NAME AND ADDRESS OF YOUR BANK. 2. TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS THROUGH WHICH YOU WILL BE CONTACTED PROMPTLY BY ME FOR THE COMPLETION OF THIS TRANSACTION.

PLEASE PROMISE ME YOU WILL ASSIST ME, AND REMEMBER TO KEEP THIS TRANSACTION VERY CONFIDENTIAL,NOTE THERE IS NO RISK INVOLVED.

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEAR FROM YOU.

THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS.

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

---

Dear Sir,

I don’t know who this other person you were writing to is , but, my name is Bo Duke. I operate a moonshine business with my brother, Luke. You might say that we are in the “distribution” business. I am interested in your proposal. I know a little about steel – as I have that album “british steel” by Judas Priest. Please tell me more.

Cincrely,

Bo Duke
Hazzard County, USA

---

DEAR BO

MANY THANKS TO RETUNING MY E.MAIL SO QUICKLY. AS TIME IS OF URGENT MATTER – I MUST IMMEDIATELY RECEIVE YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER TELEPHONE NUMER OF YOUR HOME. AS IHAV MENTION BEFORE OGEIBRI,AFORMER DIRECTOR OF ADMINISTRATION AND FINANCE IN THE ALADJA STEEL ROLLING MILL IN EFURUN NEAR WARRI, DELTA STATE OF NIGERIA DIED RECENTLY AND IT IS ONLY THROUGH OUTSIDE HELP THAT WE WILL BE ABLE TO TRANFER THE FUNDS. FOR YOUR HELP MY COMPANY IS READY TO PART WITH 25% OF THE MONEY FOR YOUR HELP.

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

---

Dear Aduku,

Your proposal sounds pretty interesting. I want to help out. I have talked it over with Uncle Jesse and Luke and they think it is a very sound idea. Americans generally pride themselves on being knowledgeable about the outside world – but I have never heard of Nigeria. Is that in South America or something? Let me know. Also do they drive cars in South America? I have a really fucking badass car – it is called the general lee, you know after the civil war general – we fought for YOUR INDEPENDENCE. The doors don’t work that well, so I am going to use the money that you will be giving me to fix the doors. I am enclosing a picture of me and Luke – I am the pretty one.

Gotta go – Dale Earnhardt is on!

---

DEAREST BO

Thank you for being so honest and open in your e.mail. I have seen your picture and you like a man of great honest. I pledge to you my loyalty. Finally, my good friend, I will like you to honest, sincere and confidential until the funds is transferred through the bank to your own bank. Please send your home phone number, and bank account number.

You can call me on my direct number:234-8023536230 anytime of the day for further discussion. I await your response.

Yours Faithfully,

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

---

Dear Aduku,

I am sorry that it took so long to get back to you. Africa! Well – Ill be damned. I guess I should say “G’Day Mate – Throw another shrimp on the Barbie!”

Anyways, I have spend the last few days in Jail. It seems that Damn Boss Hog had Sheriff Roscoe and Cletus (with his hound dog Clyde) put a tail on me and Luke. We lost them for a while when we took that jump, but they caught us.

Daisy, my cousin, had to bail us out by doing some “favors” for the local law enforcement or should I say TO the local law enforcement. She is getting to be quite the young looker these days – I have attached a picture of her – She says that she always wanted to go to Africa because they have great skiing.

You know I don’t know why that damn Boss Hog is always busting our balls, but, we are just the good ol' boys, Never meanin' no harm, Beats all you've ever saw, been in trouble with the law since the day they was born. Makin' their way, The only way they know how,That's just a little bit more than the law will allow.

Anyways – I fixed up the General lee with more “turbo power” – NOS. They were having a run on it at the Wal-Mart. Do they have Wal Marts in Africa?

PS are you Jewish?

Your brotha from anotha motha,

Bo Duke

---

Dearest BO,

I am very sorry to hear about your boss and the recnt Jail. I hope that you are ok and that your family is ok since you have been in the Jail. Ther is not Wal Mart in Nigeria. Your Cousin is a beautiful young lady. I am not Jewish, I am tsetse. It is very important that you send $4000. I will give you the bank name when you are ready. Please call me on my direct number:234-8023536230. I will like to discuss this matter in confidence with you. There are many peoples who are trying to get this money so we must move quickly.

Yours faithfully,

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

---

Dear ADUKU,

You read the bible? Well there's this passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17.

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

I been sayin' that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never gave much thought what it meant. I just thought it was some cold-blooded shit to say to a motherfucker before I popped a cap in his ass.

I saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice. See now I'm thinkin', maybe it means you're the evil man. And I'm the righteous man. And Mr. 9 Milimeter here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness.

Or it could mean you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. Now I'd like that. But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd.

I think that I need to inform my lawyers about this. They work for Rollins, Imus, MacMahon, Johnson, Ortiz and Baker (collectively known as R.I.M.J.O.B)about my transactions.

PS I think I am starting to develop feelings for Daisy Duke…is that wrong?

I Love you,

Bo Duke

---

Dear BO,

I read the bible but am very confused by this last email. I don’t know what you mean. Please call me I need to talk to you immediately and do not involve RIMJOB. It is important we keep this a secret. You can calls me anytime my direct number:234-8023536230. Also send the $4000 directly to Western Union office in Lagos Nigeria. Much time has passed and the account will closing soon, my friend.

Yours Faithfully,

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

---

Dear Aduku,

Or if that is your “REAL NAME” I think that this is a scam. Uncle Jesse says that he has never heard of “Lagos, Nigeria” I would appreciate it if you used your real name and real countries not “Nigeria”. I think that you are full of shit. Also, I think that you guys “made up” Koala bears – those things aren’t “really bears”. I liked INXS, though.

Gotta go – Daisy is wearing those damn shorts again and I have a woody!

PS in my spare time, I like to build Lego models of Star Wars Episode IV - I have attached a picture of Han Solo and Greedo in the Bar on Tatooine - right before Han wastes Greedo. Is this weird?

YEEEEEHAAAAAAAW!

XOXO
Bo Duke

---

Dearest BO,

Your must belive me. This is not a scam, my dearest friend. I too love you, we must take this oportuniy when the iron is hot. Nigeria is a country in Africa and I assure you it is a real country – I have a master degree in finance from the univsreity of Lagos.

Please sent the money to Lagos Nigeria in the western Union office to my name and I will take care of things from here. I am a completey trustful person of good faith and read the bible everyday. You must believe me, my brother.

I Love you too.

Yours Faithfully,

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI, M.S.

---

Dear Aduku,

I just got some really bad news. They are replacing me and luke with some fuckers named Coy and Vance. Can you believe that shit? I don’t know what I am gonna do. I think that Hardees is hiring, though – so there is that option. Someday – I could be manager.

Besides – This was a total joke on You my Nigerian Friend! Thanks for the Laughs, its been real!

Peace out.

Bo and Luke Duke

how to be eschewed by the celebrity circuit

roll call, beverly hills high, 2024.

suri cruise? here.
moses martin? here.
shiloh pitt-jolie? here.
kingston rossdale? here.
grier shields-hammond? here.
johnny sorvino-backus?

(giggles)

i mean, how could they name that poor kid "johnny"? doesn't he know that he's gonna get teased with a ridiculous name like that?

how fake deserves a fate that's fake

i think it's classic that home run #715 by barry bonds was caught by a guy on line at a concession stand.

you know. a non-baseball fan.

think about it: who on earth would go to a concession stand to get his girlfriend some peanuts when barry bonds, the famous and infamous slugger, is about to step to the plate, and you have a chance to witness firsthand a momentous home run, one that topples the sport's biggest legend?

no baseball fan i know would get peanuts.

i just think it's apropro. the biggest fake in the ballpark catching a milestone home run ball by the biggest fake in baseball.

fantastic.

how you don't mess with the bull, young man. you'll get the horns

the man who said, "now this is the thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night. that when i get older, these kids are going to take care of me" now has nothing to worry about.

rest in peace, principal richard vernon from "the breakfast club".

how parker lewis lost

it's 10pm on sunday night, and i'm watching a movie on the sci-fi channel called "mansquito" starring corin nemec.

yep, kubiak's best friend.

i'd say it's been a far drop since santo domingo high school.

especially when i just heard dialogue like this: "he's more mosquito than man right now...mosquitos don't have emotions or motivations. they're simple creatures...they want two things: to feed and to mate."

how i can't believe this mascot exists

wait a second. to start off with, i can't believe that the rhode island school of design has a hockey team.

then i can't believe that their name is "the nads".

and, to top it all off, i can't believe that this is their mascot, and that his name is "scrotie".

kinda makes "redskins" sound disneyesque.

how random is lucrative

a guy i work with has set up a website, helpmegetrandomwithladysovereign.com, in which he's attempting to raise money to secure a date with lady sovereign, who is some sort of 19-year-old british dj chick phenom.

no, i never heard of her either.

anyways, he and his wesbite have made it to the cover of spin.com and yahoo.com, and he just found out that lady sovereign will do it if he raises $10,000. that amount would cover costs for what they would do on the date.

it's completely ludicrous, but fantastic.

how this has to be the most embarrassing news expose ever

or the proudest moment in the history of mustaches.

and the best thing about this video is that it's all real.

how this has got to be the worst logo ever for the APC

or the best logo ever for nambla.

how it would do well for both contestants if nobody won "american idol"

i'm serious about that.

there's many great things about the voices and performances of katharine mcphee and taylor hicks. if left to their own devices, they're both gonna carve out really strong niches in their respective genres. katharine's going to sing some great r&b songs. taylor's gonna rock the southern blues circuit.

but in the hands of the songwriters that create the further careers of these two, well, they're just gonna be one more in a sea of pop crap.

the worst part of the finale show was the "original" songs they were given. there was absolutely no creativity or emotion or craft in any of them. they were purely cookie-cutter, with very little thought to accompaniment or arrangement. the lyrics were hokey and straightforward. the background muted. the musical storytelling nonexistant.

like i said, crap. pure crap.

it's a disservice to both of them, katharine mcphee in particular. it's not her fault. they were both bigger than their songs.

we are all bigger than those songs.

honestly, they couldn't have given them any more boring, generic and underwhelming songs for them to sing on the most important day of their lives. who's to say that their careers aren't gonna follow suit?

i'm just saying that, under the umbrella of "american idol", with the tepid and unoriginal craftmanship and songmaking, neither one is gonna see the success they've got the potential for.

that is, unless it's mediocrity they're aiming at. and i don't think they are.

they've got so much more than what their songwriters can give them.

and that's a shame.

how iraq is a lost cause

every day, there's something new i hear about iraq that makes my stomach coil. and, each time, i ask, "what in hell's name are we fighting for?"

and, after these new allegations about the iraqi people, savages "who do not understand a word of english but can sing an entire lionel richie song", i implore the government for an immediate pullout.

do we need any other reason?

how not all sound design is created equal

this commercial won a silver pencil at the one show two weeks ago, and it's one of the coolest ads i've ever heard.

yeah, heard.

pump up your best speakers.

how if you're a boxing fan

you should check out the replay of the marco antonio barrera vs. rocky juarez fight that was on hbo this past weekend.

then again, if you are a boxing fan, then you're probably not missing any of barrera's fights anyways.

how it's too close to call

when i was 21, i was a junior in college, studying shakespeare, trying to get some of my hops and quickness back that i lost to surgery, figuring out that advertising was what i wanted to do for the rest of my life, working for the phone company on campus and saving up for a car.

when lebron james was 21, he became the third player in nba history to average 31, 7 and 6, he led his inferior team to an almost-upset of the best team in the league, he has a fantastic ad campaign that calls out everyone as a witness to his greatness, and he's a multimillionaire many times over.

like i said, right now, it's too close to call.

but i do know that he's gonna have to work hard to top my age 22 year.

how the "da vinci code" movie is just as good as the book

then again, i thought the book sucked.

okay, let me start here for my review: "the da vinci code" is the best worst book ever written. the ideas inside completely blew my mind (even though dan brown stole them from "holy blood, holy grail"). in fact, never have i read a book that just completely shook up everything about me the way that book did.

it was just written on a fourth-grade level, with preposterous plot turns and terribly clunky dialogue. i couldn't get past that. it's embarrassing. but then again, considering the country's voting habits, i guess it's just about right for everyone.

so i went in, hoping to enjoy it.

here's how i came out.

THE DA VINCI CODE
starring tom hanks, audrey tautou and ian mckellan
directed by ron howard
viewed at the grand lake theater in lake merritt, oakland, california

well, this movie brings forth a bunch of questions not brought up in the book. i'll go through them one-by-one:

1. is ron howard overrated? yes. big-time. in fact, when you go to his imdb.com page, you begin to realize that he's got far more misses than hits, and his real amazing film, "a beautiful mind", is looking more and more caused by the brilliance of russell crowe than anything else. to wit: howard and crowe were also in "cinderella man", which was okay - the storyline was very hokey. but the movie wasn't hokey, and much - if not all - credit should be given to crowe. any other actor would have played jim braddock as a softie. but crowe was so uncompromisingly convincing, that he drew our empathy while not betraying ethics for compassion. and his amazing performance hid the vanilla supbar directing. for example, howard made the disasterous decision to move the camera inside the ring, giving no sense of perspective to the action. why would he do that? you don't know who's hitting who. i guess what i'm saying is that howard had his biggest success when tied to the finest actor of our generation. in this movie, howard again moves the camera continuously throughout the first two hours. the only reason i'm bringing this up is because the film is awful during that time. why would you move the camera? well, you move the camera to give some energy to a scene, or to let the lens do the storytelling. but, in this film, the idea should carry the story, and the lens should be locked down so that you're only concentrating on one thing: the words. but howard didn't do that. it's too much. way too much. it's as if the directing style he chose for this film was simply "i have a big budget. let's spend it all on fancy moves" instead of having an idea or a motif and sticking to it. speaking of that, if he stuck to what he does best - "parenthood", "cocoon", "splash" - i think everyone will be happy. but he's way over his head right now.

2. how bad was the book to begin with? very bad. the advantage that a book has over a film is that a book is gradual. it plays out over an extended period of time. a movie is only two hours long. and when you watch this film, you realize that dan brown's storyline (not the idea) is quite possibly among the most amatuerishly conceived ever. i'm serious. the biggest question, really, isn't just if dan brown stole his source material from "holy blood, holy grail". it's also if he stole the storyline from a soap opera or professional wrestling.

3. what about tom hanks? he also wasn't very good - and this is coming from someone who is a big tom hanks fan. he just didn't have any chemistry with amelie. and again, the camera was never really set on him to allow hanks to do what he does best - act. it was too busy. the star of the film, however, was ian mckellan. then again, when is he isn't?

4. who else can you blame? i'm not blaming anyone. when you get down to it, the book isn't very good. and you just can't turn crap into gourmet.

5. how could it have been better? first off, hire a director who knows how to handle this type of movie. and, although i'm not a big fan of his writing style, i honestly think m. night shymalan would have done a great job with this. he's spooky, and he's got a unique visual style. tom hanks would've been fine, as long as he's allowed to silently emote to the camera. then again, maybe he's not the right guy. i mean, you never get the sense that tom hanks is in trouble. there's a quality that he has that you pull for him, always, no matter what. i know he dies in "saving private ryan", but that was a war movie, and remember how touched you felt when he did pass? i guess what i'm saying is that you don't buy that robert langdon is in jeopardy because tom hanks would never die in a movie like this. maybe keifer sutherland would have pulled it off better.

then again, jack bauer is jesus christ.

on the bright side, i didn't find the movie to be boring at all.

here's what i did love about the movie: where i saw it. the grand lake theater was built in 1926, and it's about as classicly gorgeous now is it was then. in my five years out here, i can't believe i'd never been. what a shame.

anyways, here's some photos i shot of the outsides, insides and viewing rooms:

how it didn't really bother me that much

until fox ran a graphic on saturday that had photos of hank aaron, barry bonds and babe ruth - in that order.

that is when #714 struck a nerve.

how i don't want this information

look, i'm all about the drama behind finding jimmy hoffa's disintegrating remains, but i'm also about keeping the fantasy alive that he's buring under the goal posts at giants stadium. or within the cement of the verrazano-narrows bridge. or being chopped up and used as a secret sauce at the macaroni grill.

what i'm saying that i'm not really sure if i'm okay if they find his remains in what's now called "hidden dreams farm" in milford township, michigan.

in fact, i ain't.

nothin' mafioso about milford township. capisce?

how to burn in hell

paul mccartney announced that he's separating from his wife, heather mills mccartney.

he also said that rumors implying she married him for his money are unfounded.

how much would you have paid if he said that "the rumors that she married him for his money don't have a leg to stand on"?

millions, for me.

how everyone needs to stop taking everything so seriously

i just read an article on cnn that stated that christians around the world are protesting the impending release of "the da vinci code" with boycotts and hunger strikes.

fine. go ahead. be my guest.

i mean, you can get angry about any movie. southerners can protest over "gone with the wind". little people can protest over "the wizard of oz". hell, the germans can get angry about "casablanca". every movie will offend someone - or a large group of people. they should. if nobody's offended, then the movie sucks.

but then i got thinking about the muslims reaction to the cartoon of mohammed. originally, i was sensitive to them, and how everyone knew they would get incensed, and the danes published it anyways.

isn't it hypocritical for me to be sensitive to the muslims and not to the christians?

that's what i was thinking of when i was being cabbed home tonight. i always talk to my drivers, and i usually get a laugh from them at some point. and, to be honest, most of them are arab. i never had a problem with any one of them.

my driver tonight was talking on the phone with someone else speaking in arabic. this also happens a lot. but something very rare happened: the driver laughed during his phone conversation.

i gotta say, for all the times i've ever been in a cab with a driver who's arab and has talked arabic on the phone, that was the first time i heard laughter in a conversaion between two middle easterners.

now, that means either they don't laugh, or they're not funny.

like i said, i make my cabbies laugh.

i guess my point is that it's everyone's right to protest.

but, for the sake of everyone else, it might not hurt to stop taking yourself seriously, and to have a sense of humor, and that not everything is life or death.

you know, maybe save your protests for something important, and then it might mean something. movies don't mean a thing. cartoons don't mean a thing.

it just comes off as whining.

how my humor is indeed quantifiable

some people wonder aloud about where my humor sensibilities lie.

well, you just need to get to know me. like, really know me.

or you can just take a shortcut and ask one of my childhood friends, someone who knows me as long as anyone, who forwarded me this, knowing this is right up my funny bone.

thanks, tommy.

how irony rocks

sorry i didn't post this earlier, but i was in new york for the weekend, having my days and nights filled with playing with my nephew.

anyways, i was in the oakland international airport at 7am last thursday, sitting in a cafeteria, waiting patiently to board my plane, and listening to a woman scream on her cellphone to her health insurance provider about her rates. "I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY MY RATES ARE HIGH...I DON'T UNDERSTAND...THEY NEED TO COME DOWN...WHAT? THESE RATES ARE UNFAIR..." and on and on she yelled. and it was a very important conversation that couldn't wait, mind you, and everyone at the airport needed to be witnesses on this highly urgent debate on healthcare.

ugh.

at least everyone in her vicinity was laughing at her.

anyways, she finally hung up, completely exasperated, and started griping to her husband, who clearly had been in this situation before. and, when she finally took a moment to stop talking, this woman, this very large woman, took a bite from her egg, cheese and ham buttered croissant.

yes, this very large woman, who was just complaining about her high healthcare rates, took a bite from her egg, cheese and ham buttered croissant.

irony, i love you.

how i know someone not quite famous

this is from my friend todd brotze:

Tonight (Tue. 5/16) at 9:00e/8:00c on NBC, you might** see me hanging upside-down in a bat cave delivering a one-liner as "Vampire Man" on Scrubs.

** - unless I ended up on the cutting room floor... in which case, those attending the viewing will receive a live reenactment at no additional charge.

so he's got that going for him, which is nice.

how i'm not feeling mcgreat right now

i just ate my first mcdonald's meal in a couple of months, and i gotta say, my mcstomach is not mchappy with my mcchoice of mcdinners.

in fact, i feel like i have to mcshit out a mcgopher. and it's gonna smurfin' hurt.

yeah, i said smurfin'.

how i think i have an admirer

i got this really nice e-mail from janine franks today:

Hi steve saw you had the last address for hotmail and I know how much you love to read e-mails and chat so I thought i'd give you my e-mail address so that you can keep in touch after your rotation is finished. Hope you are feeling better see you tomorrow in the am.

i have no idea who she is or what's she's talking about.

but she's so obviously digging the steveoh.

how this might be a sham

from the junk e-mail folder:

Attn: Sir/Madam.

We are delighted to inform you of your prize release on the 30th of April 2006 from the British International Lottery programme. Which is fully based on an electronic selection of winners using their e-mail addresses? Your e-mail address was attached to ticket number; 4706172507056490902 serial number 7741137002 this batch draws the lucky numbers as follows 5-13-33-37-42 bonus number 17, which consequently won the lottery in the second category. You here by have been approved a lump sum pay of US$2,200,000.00 (TWO MILLION TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS) in cash credit file ref: ILP/HW 47509/02 from the total cash prize shared amongst eight lucky winners in this category.

sweet! how do i claim it?

To file for your claim, please quote your reference, batch and winning number which can be found on the top left corner of this notification as well as your full name, address and telephone number to help locate your file easily. For security reasons, we advice all winners to keep this information confidential from the public until your claim is processed and your prize released to you. This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and unwarranted taking advantage of this programme by non-participant or unofficial personnel.

ANY BREACH OF CONFIDENTIALITY ON THE PART OF THE WINNERS WILL RESULT TO DISQUALIFICATION.

sweet times two! i'm on it!

and, to make it easier on them, i'll give them my social security number.

i'm a millionairre!

churros for everyone!

how this will be the summer of my content

in june:
pearl jam at the great american music hall

in july:
radiohead at the greek theater in berkeley (still to be purchased)

in august:
red hot chili peppers at the oakland coliseum

in closing: summer will not suck.

how i might be lame, or i might not

after spraining my ankle for the second time in six weeks, i've decided that my body is not long for track shoes - at least not when my ligaments are this weak. so i'm back to wearing high tops - which really means i'm back to wearing my classic run-dmc white adidas high tops, perfect for getting tricky.

i've basically worn them non-stop for six weeks anyways. but i had some spare time today, so i decided to buy another pair. hell, niketown ain't a far walk to work.

so i went, hoping to get some classic jordans to match my classic run-dmcs.

yeah, that didn't work out for me. i was told they didn't have any, that they only stock them at special moments. so i still looked around and, well, i used to joke that the reason i don't hoop anymore is because the sneakers today are ugly. that was a joke. that's not the reason.

you know what? the sneakers today are ugly.

no nikes for steve.

so i went to champs and foot locker, and nothing really hit me. it almost seems like they've gone through every sneaker design that looks good, and now they're just throwing shit to the wall and seeing what sticks. nothing's sticking for me. but i need something to protect my ankle. i'd take ugly for support.

then i saw them.

so obvious, really. so classic. in fact, they should have been top of mind. but they weren't. and i've never worn them before, but always wanted to, and now, here's my chance.

so i got them. and another for variety.

my ankles are depending on you.

can you handle it, chuck?

how it's probably worth it

i've never been inside it, but i'm thinking that $13 million is a fair price for mr. t's mansion.

i mean, how many homes comes complete with a room specifically for pitying fools?

i'd use that.

how this is the worst season ever

"saturday night live" has had many lows in its illustrious run.

this has got to be the absolute worst.

case in point: the opening skit - in theory, the best - from this week's episode featured a parody of "wheel of fortune".

the puzzle said "BY THE S-IN OF OUR TEETH".

do you want to guess how the rest of the skit went?

don't think too hard. nobody else did.

my god, it's awful and embarrassing.

how history's already not being too kind to him

george w. bush likes to say that history will judge him differently than how we do in today's time.

i agree with him on that, the idea that you can't judge a president until long after his term is over.

but here's an incredibly well-researched article from "rolling stone". it's written by a leading historian using opinions and information from a wide swatch of historians from every party, leaning and ilk who informs us that, with what we already know and have seen, we're living through a momentous era in american history - that of the worst president ever. and that's sad, very sad.

one who doesn't learn from past mistakes - like not caring about the consequences of his political appointments. like, oh i don't know, taking the guy who was in charge of one of the president's biggest political mistakes that he has been unmercifully vilified for - the wiretapping and spying on americans - and then naming him as the new cia director, as if nobody would notice.

well, we get what we vote for.

how to catch up on music reviews

well, it's not really catching up, because i finally downloaded one today and bought the other right afterwards. but i digress, and without any more delay:

"pearl jam" by pearl jam
i've given this two listens so far, and i gotta say that i'm well on my way to loving it. i'm one of those guys who actually kept on listening to pearl jam after they became "less popular". i mean, when you understand that they claim to be nothing more than a neil young cover band, and listen to their albums within that prism, well, you can't say they're back because they never went away. but after this album, i guess, they're back. there's a certain energy to this album (maybe it's the addition of an organ to the arrangement) that's been lacking recently. anyways, i never fall in love with a pearl jam album on the first listen. it takes awhile. but this energy's really accelerating the process for me. and it's no doubt where it's coming from. as green day has recently taught us, musical energy comes from anywhere, but in these days, it's in one very easy-to-find place: hatred. and there's a lot of anti-bush venom on this album. i'm well on my way to ditching the book i read on my bus for this on my ipod.

"we shall overcome: the seeger sessions" by bruce springsteen
then again, it doesn't take much for me to love the boss. and, man, i gotta tell you, this album is truly amazing. it's purely bluegrass and jazz funeral music, with banjos and brass, drums and strings, and bruce's raw and painful voice weaving us through songs about loss and hope. and it's a tremendous achievement. this is currently my second listen, and there's a cavalcade of sounds and instruments i just didn't catch the first time around - and i'm sure that my next listens will be about finding more. it's just fun, and i want to kick my legs up as i march down rue st. charles. someone toss me beads. and what's knocking me out is that it's so different than "devils and dust", which was dour yet beautiful. this is somewhat celebratory, even when singing about "his oklahoman home that blown away". go buy this album and embrace what's a triumphant return to a forgotten, truly american art form.

how even this is well thought out

the different characters on "the office" have their personal playlists charted on itunes.

for all of you still in the draconian ages who don't have itunes, well, i'm too lazy to retype everything, but here's the best:

some of michael scott's valentine day romantic picks:
- opposites attract - "who's the luckiest guy in the world? that animated cat from this video, who got to dance with paula abdul"
- pride (in the name of love) - best song about a break up he's ever heard, but he doesn't know why everyone in the office start talking about martin luther king jr.
- take on me - "i love pretty much everything a-ha ever did".
- in your eyes - "remember in 'the breakfast club' when john cusack holds up the boombox?"
- faithfully - "try to listen to this whole song without crying. i dare you."
- mambo no.5 - "this song is so true".
- baby got back - "i love hip hop. this is old skool hip-hop, before it got all commerical."

and some from dwight schrute: twelve songs that inspire and motivate me:
- wild side - "this is my favorite song ever...you cannot spell 'schrute" without 'c-r-u-e."
- the star spangled banner - "no explanation necessary".
- more than a feeling - "sometimes you feel things and you're like, 'whoa, that's a feeling', but it's so much more".
- some gave all - "a singer, an american. a simple country doctor on the pax network. nilly ray cyrus will always be cool in my book."

how she's mine, all mine

yet another in an endless line of junk e-mail i receive:

Hi ....How are you?

Probably you are surprised to receive my letter.... Who Is it? Really we are not familiar.... But in this the purpose of my letter to acquaintance to you... Well...My name is Anna... Im 28. I live in Latvia.. (If you will be interested I can send you my photo.) That save your time I wish answer at once questions which you can set me...

1. How I have received yours e-mail?
- My girlfriend has found in the Internet the announcement " The E-mails of man wishing to get acquainted with women "... she has bought 20 е-mails. 10 has given me... Thus this I has reached you.

2. Whom I search?
-not married white the man from 30-50... To Me does not interest only correspondence. And love through the Internet. To Me interest only real relations . You should understand that the meeting face to face... is necessary for development of relations.

3. can I deceive you?
- I know that on the Internet many swindlers which wish to receive only money... I consider that it very low... and my vital principles do not allow to play with feelings of people. If you are afraid that I shall deceive you... Do not answer this letter... I would not that you arranged to me checks and humiliated me naming skamer. I the real woman which really wish to find the love instead of money. I think the man should not be afraid to be deceived... Inherently... Everyone the man the hazardous player. You can consider it as game in which the main prize there can be I....

Well... I ask forgive if my letter sounds very rigidly.... Actually I kind, soft and fluffy... As a small kitten. If you really interested... I shall be glad to see your letter...

See you again...
Anna

how he was the right man for the job

here's a video of stephen colbert giving a scathingly hiliarious address at the white house correspondent's dinner.

what were they thinking?