how i wish "american idol" followed the same rules of "the gong show"

because i would have loved to have seen jaye p. morgan or jamie farr gong the shit out of both of jason castro's performances.

and then, to keep the good taste patrol in the house, waldorf and statler from "the muppet show" would then throw tomatoes that would stick in his dreds and sting his eyes.

why? because those half-assed performances were inexcusable cries for help. seriously, he has a big chance for something big, and he chose to crap the bed like that, not only in the week leading up but also during the night of?

even the first lady of steveohville refuses to vote for him this week.

pack up your hackysack and go back to hemp hill, you hippy. your incense is almost out.

how it's my turn for my opinions on "american idol"

i think we've had enough of randy and paula giving completely hollow and unusable advice. and i think the world is ready for what i think because i am very important and because i have a pulpit that fifty readers enjoy daily.

okay, here goes it:

brooke - do you know anyone who actually votes for her? if you do, let me know, because i can't figure out what her appeal is. whatever it is, however, it's working, mostly because she's sucked ass the last couple of weeks but still survived. she's been bland, boring, uncreative, ear piercing and not very enjoyable - although she did a better job this week behind the piano for "i am, i said". in fact, the one thing she does pull off well is the whole carly simon schtick. but she's no carly simon. in fact, she's the new ramiele, who was the new sanjaya.

jason - i'm tired of his act too. honestly, is it too much to take 45 minutes out of your day to memorize the lyrics of the song you're about to sing in front of an enormous national audience? if i'm going to have a chance to work with neil diamond or andrew lloyd webber, i'd be mature enough to have my shit together beforehand and not written on a piece of paper. but he hasn't, and the crap has flowed. each song has become a cry for help. so put your hackysack away and your birkenstocks back on, you hippy, and man up.

david archuleta - for me, the biggest mystery of the whole season. forget paula; she doesn't criticize a soul. but why hasn't randy or simon ever once mentioned that he sings the same song every week, that he sounds the same every week, that none of his songs are modern, and that he hasn't shown any range at all? they ripped carly for all that, and she just as talented as this imp. he doesn't take any risks, and his songs are dull. i wouldn't buy any of his albums, and i can't imagine anyone over 14 who would.

syesha - i don't get the reasons why the judges just aren't in love with her. if you want to knock her for not being very creative with the songs she chooses, fine. but week in and week out, she sets the bar extremely high with the most difficult songs to sing and, although she might not have mariah's or beyonce's gift, she does a damn good job with what she's got. let's face it; she's headed to broadway. and musicals ain't my bag. but i think she's doing a hell of a lot better than what she's been getting credit for.

david cook - he's the only one who actually tries to be an artist with the song he chooses. he's the only one i feel comes in prepared to meet the legend each week. he's the only one who gives a wide range of what he can do. and he's the only performer who doesn't need "american idol" to have an amazing career - and that's the sign of a true idol. i hope he doesn't win, just because they'll stifle and ruin him.

but that's just me. what do i know?

how i am so proud of my friend dolly

tonight, a nation of teenagers found out what i learned a couple of years ago: dolly parton is a warm, funny, intelligent and amazing performer. and i was enlightened to see how touched the performers were by her - because that's exactly how i felt.

and. to be honest, i felt that the group of them did a great job honoring her.

the best by far was michael johns' "it's all wrong, but it's right", which was bluesy, intimate and exactly how she wrote it to be sung.

so was carly smithson's "here you come again", which was sad and emotional and spare - which was exactly how that story should be told.

and everyone else did a really good job, if not great. hell, even the phillipino sanjaya was alright. and don't give me "what about david archuleta?" he sung great, but he sings the same song every week. i don't know why they don't get on him like they get on jason castro for having the same limited range. and brooke white's "jolene" was an impossibly sad song sung by an impossibly upbeat person. didn't work, but wasn't bad.

paula shockingly was 100% correct when she said that you can't really mess up a dolly parton song because her melodies are so wonderful. so everyone had that going for them, which is nice.

speaking of messing up dolly parton songs, the first lady of steveohville was dissapointed that nobody touched "nine to five", which she personally covers every morning while driving to work. guess nobody poured themselves a coup of ambition for that one.

in other news, right after "idol", the first lady and i watched last night's "dancing with the stars", a show i don't normally watch, but one i owed to her considering she sat through kansas-davidson on sunday. anways, they introduced priscilla presley as "sctress and businesswoman priscilla presley". really? while they're at it, i will be a avid viewer if they introduce her just once as "actress and businesswoman mrs. frank drebin".

do it, tom bergeron. you have it in you.

how i'd rethink their advice

if i were an american idol contestant, and if i watched the video for the single "dance like there's no tomorrow" on "american idol", and if i heard paula abdul warble her lyrics and randy jackson be the lead bassist with completely forgettable movements, i think it's very easy to figure out who to listen to.

how to give you the best of what i've seen recently

that would be a friday night link dump.

and this is as good of a time as any, considering i've been lame with the postings recently.

so forgive me with the good tidings of an excellent "david blaine street magic" parody, the finest "star spangled banner" screwup i've ever experienced (and wait for the ending), a painful demo guide for microsoft windows 95 starring two of sitcom comedy's biggest personalities, fox news finds an "expert" who is actually crazier than bill o'reilley, the brilliant conan o'brien visiting intel, two incredibly different masters (tony bennett and doug e. fresh) performing their art on "american idol" and, last but not least, the disappointing but still funny final episode from season one of "chad vader".

how i don't agree with the judges, and i'm sure america will agree with me

i actually thought jordin sparks singing "to love somebody" and "woman in love" were purely stunning - especially the latter, which they ripped apart. and then when you take in the fact that she's just a 17-year-old...damn.

then again, those songs are already pure masterpieces. but when you actually listen to them, truly listen to them, when they're done by other performers, the genius of barry gibb becomes abundantly clear.

then again, i actually perfer jimmy fallon's barry gibb over the real thing, so keep that in mind.

how even with matters as trivial as this, america really can't be trusted with anything

with sanjaya in the final twelve and sabrina not, it's fair to ask whether this is "american idol" or "american idiocy".

america is now the russian judge.