Sunday, March 04, 2007

how to recap south beach in an entire post (or: how i will not apologize for staring at such a fine collection of thonged asses)

i'd never been to miami before, which means i'd never been to south beach. in a quick recap, i had a great time. if i was there with someone else, i'd have a blast. and if i went with someone whose mere presence puts the odds in my favor that i would not get arrested, then i'd have a time for the ages. unless those odds went against me and i spent my time in the clink. then it would probably have sucked, but i would have had a damn good story.

but i was alone. and here was what i thought:

1. i got there around 3pm, which might not have been high time for the buffed tanned bodies i've read and heard so much about. but don't worry. there were plenty for me to gawk at. not whiplashed worthy, but more than enough to buffet my impending libido. i was also kinda turned off by all the pasty flabby bodies i saw. in a completely unrelated note, miami is a city full of mirrors.

2. i have, however, seen enough marblebags to fill me for a lifetime. i'm good. no more. no thanks.

3. if i had to describe this area in one word, i would have to say "faketitacular".

4. the craziest thing about this city is that it's full of people who go out of their way to dress exactly like the architecture.

5. i saw danny bonaduce on lincoln avenue. i was gonna say, "hey danny!", but i didn't want him to go on some sort of binge where he'd karate chop my esophagus, throw me through a window, rip a palm tree out of the medium and stuff it down my throat, run my face into the path of an oncoming rollerblader, chop me into little pieces, throw me in a canvas bag and then toss me off the rooftop of the tallest building in the area, followed by him setting himself on fire and plunging to his death. except it would have seemed to everyone at first glance that he had died, but since he cannot be killed, he have awoken in a fury unseen in this hemisphere which would have reulted with him taking his anger out on my dead carcass. so, needless to say, i kept my observation internal.

6. my favorite look of the day: the one on the face of the insanely hot 24-year-old clinging on the arm of her 53-year-old boyfriend/husband. it's the face that says, "don't judge me. everyone is doing it. he can't live that much longer with a tan like this. this'll be a boost to my career if he dies soon enough."

7. my second favorite look of the day: mine, as i look at that 53-year-old man and wonder which episode of "miami vice" did he crawl out from.

8. i had an amazing cuban dinner courtesy of a suggestion from my friend david. here's the interesting thing: my waiter had a fake eye. i knew this because i couldn't look away. that's how i was raised: a firm handshake and look people in the eye. but when i looked this gentlemen in the eye, i realized it was odd, so i had to then look at his other eye for comparison, and that's when i realized it was fake. what am i getting at? when someone has a set of good eyes, you look him in the eye. but when someone has only one real eye, you look them in the eyes (for comparison). and you don't want to look away or not look them in the eye because that would be a tell that you noticed their deformity and that it makes you uncomfortable. so i looked a one-eyed man in the eyes. yes. that's what i did.

all in all, a good day.

viva south beach.

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