how i'm fine

by the time you read this, i'm sure you would have read about our nice 5.6 quake that hit the bay area tonight.

i felt it.

here's my deal:

i got off my train after work, and saw my connecting bus pull away. with this being on the worst line in the city, i knew i had another half hour wait for the next bus to roll on by. so i decided to grab some dinner and catch the start of the warriors game at park chow, which is still my favorite restaurant in the city.

being by myself, i sat at the bar.

i ordered an apple juice (the best apple juice in the world, by the way) and my appetizer and dinner.

i watched the game on the television.

then, my bar stool began to shake.

here's a primer for you: imagine you're sitting on a bar stool. shift your weight from one ass cheek to the other. allow your shoulders to slightly sway back and forth. repeat for about 10-15 seconds.

there you go. that's what it felt like.

everyone was calm, almost laughing.

and, when it ended, everyone clapped.

at which, i said, loud enough for everyone to hear, "don't encourage it". more laughter. +1 steve.

here's the best part of it (at least for me): when it happened, i was watching the aforementioned warriors game that was being played in oakland. andris biedrins was on the foul line. he's a career 45% free throw shooter. that's terrible.

when the quake hit oakland, he sunk both free throws.

so, in essence, this terrible foul shooter only nailed his shots because the target was moving.

now that's a force of nature.

for you non-californians, here's some pertinent earthquake info:
a local news article reporting the quake;
sfist's very human coverage about the bay area's reactions;
an informative piece about aftershocks;
and here's the latest on britney, because i'm sure that will be the lead story anyhow.

how i have much to vent about

where do i begin?

how about united airlines.

i hate united airlines. i truly do. i've never flown a united flight that was actually on time, and i try to go out of my way not to fly them.

first off, they are liars. my hatred for them began a couple of years ago when i had the nerve to try to catch a flight from JFK to SFO. i showed up on time, i boarded on time, and i noticed that the flight was half-empty. maybe 65% empty. but the plane wasn't moving. i got suspicious. i stealthily etched my initials into my food tray. then the announced that the plane we were on was unflyable, that it had a broken thingamajig that caused it's something to do blahblahblah, and we had to get off and catch the next flight. which i did. which was now 95% full. and i sat in the same seat. which had my initials in the tray.

so united airlines lied to me and bumped my plans because they couldn't sell seats.

assholes.

since then, i've flown them for work a couple of times, and they've never ever taken off on time. just a completely incompetent organization.

so unfortunately i had to fly them round trip this weekend to los angeles, which should be painless. but this being united and friday night, i had the tightest seat imaginable. my elbows were tucked into my sides. my legs up into my throat. the air nozzle above me barely working. and we're late. plus, in flight, i get a napkin with "united. the most leg room in economy".

liars.

this morning for the return trip, they had six electronic ticket kiosks open. why just six? isn't it 2007? anyone? then we had a one hour delay for boarding, plus another hour waiting on the runway. i would normally put this on just bad luck, but considering the company, they ain't getting that leeway.

bastards.

never again.

now allow me to move onto the sheraton delfina in santa monica, which actually had a very nice renovation i guess (it was my first time there, but it was pretty on the interior), and my room was big, but they:
- had crappy old light switches
- a thermostat that didn't work
- a TV from the late 1980s (no shitting you)
- the hardest bed on the planet
- the same sheets from the 70s
- i couldn't find the remote control
- a $6 fee per 15 minutes of work in their business center

and, my favorite:

- the 49 cents they charged me for "black ink usage fee" when i used the printer.

otherwise, i had a great time in los angeles. seriously. honestly.

like girogio bialdi good. like ravioli stuffed with sweet corn and topped with truffle oil good.

how i'm reprinting this without permission

from an internal e-mail sent at work. i'm sending this out because some things are just too funny to be kept internal:

Hello.
I have misplaced my new lovely coffee cup. It is adorned with The Onion logo and the phrase "you are dumb". If you see it would you be so kind as to give me a holler. And yes, before you ask, I'm aware of how ironic this situation is.
Thanks,
Keith

how i'm jealous on so many different levels

in fact, i'll list them:

1. the creatives had the balls to actually present this ad.
2. they got it approved.
3. they got away with it through censors.
4. they were able to name the product.
5. casting.
6. second round of casting.
7. call backs.
8. they got to edit it.

wtf? exactly.

how i'm tired of the red sox bandwagon

i'm tired of reminiscing about curt schilling and his bloody sock.

i'm tired of seeing imaginary ghosts and green monsters.

i'm tired of hearing about coco and yook and "manny being manny".

i'm tired of hearing about the nation and the jimmy fund.

i'm tired of denis leary and ben affleck and any other celeb wearing a red sox hat.

i'm tired of listening about whether or not wakefield's knuckler will dance in certain types of weather.

i'm tired of absorbing all the bitching about gagne.

seriously, i'm tired of it all. and i'm tired of people talking about them. enough, red sox fans. enough, commentators. seriously, there are other teams in the world not called the red sox or the yankees. and that means i'm tired of torre and a-rod and all that noise too.

enough.

go rockies.

how kid rock and i have something in common

this weekend in atlanta, kid rock pummeled a customer at waffle house.

at that same waffle house, one i could have walked to if people actually walked in atlanta, i once pummeled a cheese grits.

weird.

how you can't really beat this menu for a saturday

waking up and devouring "butch cassidy and the sundance kid" for breakfast.

then, a full helping of "stranger than fiction" for lunch.

and the always delicious "sunset boulevard" for dinner.

i'm full.

how i'm about to say something controversial

i believe that dishwashing appliances are lazy.

i mean, the job of dishwasher is to wash dishes. hell, it comes from the english word dishwasher, meaning dish washer. and yet, before you give them a dish to wash, what do you have to do? wash the dish your own damn self.

oh, i'm sorry. pre-wash the dish your own damn self.

what a crock of shit, i tell you.

lazy bastards.

buying a dishwasher is like hiring an accountant to do your taxes, but then doing it yourself, and then handing it to them. but since you already did it, all they really do is doublecheck your work.

sounds ridiculous, right? like a waste of money, no?

then why do we let dishwashers doublecheck our work?

lazy lucky bastards.

i don't know who heads the dishwasher union, but well done.

to the rest of us? end the tyranny and demand more.

how when you try to talk to everyone, you actually talk to nobody

very few things in entertainment thrilled me as much as the last season of "friday night lights". each week was a spellbinding competition to see which was better: the writing, the acting or the directing. the plots took us to different places, and told in a way we haven't heard before. it was real, so real. we knew those characters. we felt those stories. it was the most human soap opera ever created.

unfortunately, nobody watched it. much of that had to do with terrible marketing. it also had to do that the show ran in the country that voted "two and a half men" as the most watched comedy last season. so it's not like we're talking about a market having discerning tastes.

still, it was critically renown. i, and everyone i knew who watched it, thought it was brilliant.

so, NBC has this brilliant show that nobody's watching. what's a network to do? well, they made a nice start by not only selling the DVD at a low price of $20, but also offering a money-back guarantee that nobody except the dishonest would take them up on. smart. plus they're repeated the whole season on bravo. accessible. and, they moved it to friday night, which doesn't really make as much sense, considering that most of the audience would be watching real football, but i guess it takes some confusion out of the process.

that would seem to be enough, don't you think?

i guess it wasn't. you see, what they've done is take the best show on television and made it dumber.

let's begin with a murder. umm...what?

and all those seniors like riggins and tyra from last year? let's make them seniors again. maybe even lyla. okay...what?

and instead of alluding to plot points, instead of making the audience feel what's happening, let's change the character's dialogue into explanations. let's say exactly what's happening. instead of conversations, let's make it recaps. okay...

and rather than continuing the story arc of each character, making them feel like real people, let's make them one-dimensional. the cripple. the drunk. the born-again.

this season just feels like a desperate grab. like a little too much crappy everyday network television, lowering itself towards one of those shitty soap operas that decay the mind.

it's still better than most. just nowhere near as good as it was.

let's just say that i really miss last season.

then again, maybe one season was just enough.

how i didn't know what mood i was in

when i got home from work. i've been working long hours, full hours, and although it's been fun, i've been swamped. it's gotten to the point that at times, i'm there just to be there. hell, if i'm not working at 7:30pm, then i'm not working hard enough.

it's not a work mandate. it's just my demented work ethic.

anyway, i got home around 9:30 tonight, and sat on my couch. i put on the tv, scanned guide and found...nothing. nothing at all. in fact, i really had no preference over what to watch.

none whatsoever.

i really didn't want to watch sportscenter or any political shows. the baseball game was over. network TV was uninspiring at best. and i hit DVR and found nothing in my queue worth enjoying.

i was completely moodless.

and then, i found, on some HD channel, the last round of scrolling i clicked through, i found it. so obviously perfect.

"there's something about mary".

it's been years. and, on a moodless night, i laughed my ass off.

how i did not jump off a bridge

i hope you haven't worried. i just took some time off. it was just a mixture of working hard, going home for a bit, feeling the malaise of the mets' collapse and just not having the time or energy to put something worthwhile in print. or web. whatever.

simply put, i've been swamped.

but that doesn't mean i haven't been collecting and learning.

like, for instance, i learned that you can ride in a thousand different cars and not hear soft jazz on the radio. however, that's the music of choice in half the cabs you jump in.

and i learned that anyone who doesn't think that sasquatch exists has clearly never seen this patti labelle video.

and, i also learned that the total acreage of all the wal-marts in the world is greater than the acreage of manhattan.

i was reminded that radiohead is still the most innovative band in the world, both musically with their new album "in rainbows" and the fact that, if you download it from their website, you get to name the price you want to pay for it. i also reminded that radiohead is british, because it's not set to the dollar.

i remembered how much i love to play softball, especially when it's under football weather and the game has as much back-and-forth as tennis.

and i remembered that when it comes to old bosses and great friends, not only does todd still have it, but so does kathy.

also, in the past twelve days i've been gone, i became a published writer once again. i had this article published at divinecaroline.com, where my friend rebecca writes. yes, it's a women's website. yes, i am a dude. no, i know nothing about astrology. no, none of that matters.

oh, and by the way, happy midnight madness everyone. god, i love college basketball. may my obsession begin.

how this better be the first of many apologies

From Mets COO Jeff Wilpon:

To Mets Fans:

All of us at the Mets are bitterly disappointed in failing to achieve our collective goal of building upon last year’s success. We did not meet our organization’s expectations - or yours. Everyone at Shea feels the same range of emotions as you - our loyal fans - and we know we have let you down. We wanted to thank you for your record-breaking support of our team this year…

Equally important, Ownership will continue its commitment in providing the resources necessary to field a championship team. Omar will be meeting with Ownership shortly to present his plan on addressing our shortcomings so that we can achieve our goal of winning championships in 2008 and beyond…

You deserve better results…

Many thanks again for your record-breaking support.


that's just the tip of the iceburg, buddy. you've got a lot of work to do to earn our trust back.