how it's my turn for my opinions on "american idol"

i think we've had enough of randy and paula giving completely hollow and unusable advice. and i think the world is ready for what i think because i am very important and because i have a pulpit that fifty readers enjoy daily.

okay, here goes it:

brooke - do you know anyone who actually votes for her? if you do, let me know, because i can't figure out what her appeal is. whatever it is, however, it's working, mostly because she's sucked ass the last couple of weeks but still survived. she's been bland, boring, uncreative, ear piercing and not very enjoyable - although she did a better job this week behind the piano for "i am, i said". in fact, the one thing she does pull off well is the whole carly simon schtick. but she's no carly simon. in fact, she's the new ramiele, who was the new sanjaya.

jason - i'm tired of his act too. honestly, is it too much to take 45 minutes out of your day to memorize the lyrics of the song you're about to sing in front of an enormous national audience? if i'm going to have a chance to work with neil diamond or andrew lloyd webber, i'd be mature enough to have my shit together beforehand and not written on a piece of paper. but he hasn't, and the crap has flowed. each song has become a cry for help. so put your hackysack away and your birkenstocks back on, you hippy, and man up.

david archuleta - for me, the biggest mystery of the whole season. forget paula; she doesn't criticize a soul. but why hasn't randy or simon ever once mentioned that he sings the same song every week, that he sounds the same every week, that none of his songs are modern, and that he hasn't shown any range at all? they ripped carly for all that, and she just as talented as this imp. he doesn't take any risks, and his songs are dull. i wouldn't buy any of his albums, and i can't imagine anyone over 14 who would.

syesha - i don't get the reasons why the judges just aren't in love with her. if you want to knock her for not being very creative with the songs she chooses, fine. but week in and week out, she sets the bar extremely high with the most difficult songs to sing and, although she might not have mariah's or beyonce's gift, she does a damn good job with what she's got. let's face it; she's headed to broadway. and musicals ain't my bag. but i think she's doing a hell of a lot better than what she's been getting credit for.

david cook - he's the only one who actually tries to be an artist with the song he chooses. he's the only one i feel comes in prepared to meet the legend each week. he's the only one who gives a wide range of what he can do. and he's the only performer who doesn't need "american idol" to have an amazing career - and that's the sign of a true idol. i hope he doesn't win, just because they'll stifle and ruin him.

but that's just me. what do i know?

how "inside the nba" is still the funniest show on tv

honestly, nothing gets past kenny, chuck and ernie. not even an aston martin.

god bless them.

how anyone can make advertising, part 4838

whenever someone asks me why 99% of advertising is crap, i just say it's because everyone thinks they know how to make one.

and yet, it's shit like this that makes me long for "one bank", which is still the alpha and omega of unintentional comedy.

i do have to say this, however: this is exactly what the boss had in mind when he pulled courtney cox out of the audience. exactly.

how the impact of words can reach above and beyond

i can't stop listening to "praying for time" as it was performed by carrie underwood during "idol gives back". i mean, she sang the hell out of the song (as always), but beyond that, it was what she was saying, the lyrics she was selling, the story being told, that really shook me hard.

anyways, here are the lyrics from "praying for time", which was originally written for george michael on his classic album "listen without prejudice" (i knew i heard this song before). although, to be honest, carrie's version leaves the original in the dust.

"Praying for Time"

These are the days of the open hand.
They will not be the last.
Look around now.
These are the days of the beggars
and the choosers.

This is the year of the hungry man
whose place is in the past,
hand in hand with ignorance
and legitimate excuses.

The rich declare themselves poor
and most of us are not sure
if we have too much.
But we'll take our chances
because God stopped keeping score.
I guess somewhere along the way,
he must have let us all out to play,
turned his back and all god's children
crept out the back door.

And it's hard to love.
Theres so much to hate.
Hanging on to hope
when there is no hope to speak of.
And the wounded skies above
say it's much too late,
well maybe, we should all be
praying for time.

These are the days of the empty hand.
Oh you hold on to what you can.
And charity is a coat you wear
twice a year.

This is the year of the guilty man.
Your television takes a stand.
And you find that what was over there
is over here.
So you scream from behind your door.
Say what's mine is mine and not yours.
I may have too much,
but I'll take my chances
Because God stopped keeping score.

And you cling to the things
they sold you.
Did you cover your eyes when
they told you
that he can't come back
because he has no children
to come back for?

And it's hard to love.
There's so much to hate.
Hanging on to hope
when there is no hope to speak of.
And the wounded skies above
say it's much too late,
well maybe, we should all be
praying for time.

how most of you know that i love the uncomfortable

but last night's "the office" was so uncomfortable that it almost went past hilarious and ventured into sad.

i said almost.

honestly, it was the funniest half hour of television i've watched all year, and also the squirmiest. i didn't want to look. i wanted to cover my ears. even though i wasn't there in michael and jan's condo, i was there. and goddamn, that was awful.

and awesome.

thank you, dundler mifflin, for coming back.

i missed you.

how the best thing about this olympic torch run

was that it got rickrolled!

seriously. that excited me so much more than the protests, countless people, chants and marches.

that's because rickrolling! is never gonna let me down.

to be clear about my joy about this, please consult this chart.

how this can't possibly be a good idea

let's do the math:

take one olympics hosted by a country with countless and inconceivable human rights violation, add one olympic torch running ceremony already strife with protests, and then multiply it by having the route go through the most politically charged city in the world that has no fear making their feelings known, and what do you get?

a planning committee that wishes it chose singapore for a host country and indianapolis for the running route.

seriously, this could be the only time in recorded history where most of conservative america is pulling for san francisco to make a big scene.

how i am so proud of my friend dolly

tonight, a nation of teenagers found out what i learned a couple of years ago: dolly parton is a warm, funny, intelligent and amazing performer. and i was enlightened to see how touched the performers were by her - because that's exactly how i felt.

and. to be honest, i felt that the group of them did a great job honoring her.

the best by far was michael johns' "it's all wrong, but it's right", which was bluesy, intimate and exactly how she wrote it to be sung.

so was carly smithson's "here you come again", which was sad and emotional and spare - which was exactly how that story should be told.

and everyone else did a really good job, if not great. hell, even the phillipino sanjaya was alright. and don't give me "what about david archuleta?" he sung great, but he sings the same song every week. i don't know why they don't get on him like they get on jason castro for having the same limited range. and brooke white's "jolene" was an impossibly sad song sung by an impossibly upbeat person. didn't work, but wasn't bad.

paula shockingly was 100% correct when she said that you can't really mess up a dolly parton song because her melodies are so wonderful. so everyone had that going for them, which is nice.

speaking of messing up dolly parton songs, the first lady of steveohville was dissapointed that nobody touched "nine to five", which she personally covers every morning while driving to work. guess nobody poured themselves a coup of ambition for that one.

in other news, right after "idol", the first lady and i watched last night's "dancing with the stars", a show i don't normally watch, but one i owed to her considering she sat through kansas-davidson on sunday. anways, they introduced priscilla presley as "sctress and businesswoman priscilla presley". really? while they're at it, i will be a avid viewer if they introduce her just once as "actress and businesswoman mrs. frank drebin".

do it, tom bergeron. you have it in you.