how i miss many things about home

namely, my family, my friends, pizza, shea stadium and the close proximity to the greatest city on earth. when i'm gone for too long, i feel it. it's a pull that will never go away.

but what i don't miss is greased-up douchebags like this. not at all. and since these don't exist out here, i can say how happy i am to be a californian.

whooaaah!

how i just had the most inane phone conversation in my life

the staten island advance, that storied paper that gives you such pulitzer prize investigative reports like this and this just called me up to fact check on my engagement announcement.

the nice woman on the phone had some questions about our degrees (baccalaureate of arts or science) and about our employment, but when she got to the end of our fact sheet, she said, and i quote, "oh."

"oh?"

"oh."

"what oh?"

"well, the staten island advance has a strict policy that we don't post engagement announcements when the wedding is less than two months away."

"huh?"

"yes, that's the policy, but let me pass you onto my editor for help."

okay, so i was forwarded to another nice woman, who read through my fact sheet, came upon the same troubling discrepancy, and said, "sir, the staten island advance has a strict policy of not posting an engagement notice when it's less than two months away from the wedding. we're sorry."

"yes, ma'am, i heard, and i'm not trying to be a wise ass, but why is that policy in place?"

"well...ummm...you see...ummm...the advance has high standards of what is...ummm...newsworthy and what is not."

you know, i can see their point. after all, they were the first paper to break this bombshell. i can see a rag like the new york times printing a complete non-story like my engagement, but the advance is in no position to spare time or ink on something as newsworthy as me, especially when they're busy tracking down big breakthroughs like this.

still, i replied, "are you serious?"

"sorry, sir."

"well, how about this? can we change it so that it says we're getting married in august? nobody will know the truth except the both of us."

"that's also against our policy."

"you have to admit that's a silly policy. i mean, why is my engagement less newsworthy because of a time stipulation?"

she thought for a second. again, this was a very nice lady stuck between an engagement announcement and world-class newsmaking standards. so she came back with, "you know, my records state that you did hand this in on the 19th, which means that it does pass the two-month policy by two days. so i'll let it in."

"thank you."

seriously, thank you. you made our family very happy.

now i can't wait to see it, in a column between other engagements. and, of course, next to such hard hitting journalism like this.

how a photo reveals everything

check out this headline and then look at the photo of the writer.

there's no way someone who poses for a photo that takes herself so seriously like that would have the humor of putting the words "seamen" and "ball" into the same headline.

seriously.

how my hometown never ceases to amaze

a parent is suing a little league from my hometown for not teaching thier son how to slide properly, causing him to get injured.

yep. you read that right. it's a good lesson to teach their son, who under their guidance will grow up to be an incredible pussy.

well, at least it's not parents brawling during a game.

then again, it's only may. the guidos are just warming up their jabbing arms.

how this could have happened anywhere, but it's doubly hilarious it happened in staten island

a dean in a staten island public school sent a disciplinary letter to some students after a massive food fight in the cafeteria.

but, according to the staten island advance, among the misspellings and typos in his letter to parents are "unexcecpable" for "unacceptable," "activates" for "activities" (twice) and the setting for the food fight: The "caferteria."

awesum.