how i have ten olympic sized observations

here's what i got on my mind about the olympics, which has been televised somewhere near my eyesight for about 16 hours a day:

1. best moment of the olympics so far: i was gonna say jason lezak's come-from-behind american victory against the arrogant french in the men's 4X100 swimming relay, but i need to go with the chinese men's gymnastics team laughable and awkward high-fiving after their routine. it's truly the stuff olympic dreams are made of - or, at least, mine.

2.best viewing experience of the olympics so far: this one goes to swimming again, and you can pick between the green line in the water that tells you how the racers are doing against the world record, and the underwater cam that truly gives you the best look into strokes and their pull. only downside: it's also a cock cam. and it's even worse when the men are swimming.

3. best play i've seen so far: i'm gonna go with dwayne wade's falling-out-of-bounds cross-court alley-oop to kobe bryant that was even more dynamic than what i just typed out. i wish i could link to it, but nbcsports.com doesn't let me. can't expect a television network to understand linking.

4. funniest video (non chinese men's gymnastic team high-five edition): the slow-motion footage of track sprinters running towards camera. intuitively you know they're booking it right at you, but they're blinking very slowly and their cheeks are flopping like a old woman's tits during an earthquake.

5. worst spectator sport: i would say water polo, because all you see are swimcaps moving slowly in the pool and a ball being passed around the perimeter. but their treading is just mindboggling and painful to imagine. so let's just say nothing is as miserable as equestrian, especially when the riders wear top hats. that outfit just makes you think that it doesn't take much to be an olympian.

6. best villain: i changed my mind on this one. i originally wanted to pin this one on france's alain bernard for his arrogant boasts before the 4X100, but he shit the pool when it was up to him, so he got what he deserved. but with the recent racist photos taken by the spanish basketball team and their completely ignorant defenses of them, i just want to see the american team completely depants them - even moreso than i did before. if they played the way they did against greece, they should.

7. best michael phelps stat i learned this week: he has the legs of someone 6'0", so they're much stronger for someone who is 6'4". he has the reach of someone 6'8", which gives him a stronger pull for someone his height. his heart pumps twice the amount of blood than a normal heart. and he is apparently allergic to kryptomite.

8.random sports that i've randomly watched: field hockey. badminton. equestrian. water polo. fencing (epee). and the weirdest of them all: synchronized diving. it's the creepiest thing on the planet. you've been warned.

9. best line i wrote on deadspin.com about the olympics: based on china's replacing a child singer with a lip-syncing prettier child actor and their "16-year-old" women's gymnasts with training bras, "if china were a character, it would be the star on the funniest sitcom ever."

10. best thing about the olympics: nobody in china has ever heard of brett favre, and they don't care.

how the opening ceremonies completely blew me away

i think everyone believes that these olympics by the host country could be an amazing achievement or a colossal bust. of course, there's the olympic spirit of overachieving athletes that overtakes everything. but there's also all of china's problems struggling against all of china's potential. beyond winners and losers, there's the drama of how china will do while under the microscope of the world's eye.

and believe you me that i'm not one for pomp, and don't get me started on circumstance, but the opening ceremonies of the olympics had both of them in full force.

it's a good sign.

it was visually, emotionally, artistically and technically staggering. it was gorgeous, poetic and eloquent. it was dynamic and breathtaking. i mean, the people running on the globe - whatthefuck?!? truly amazing. just impressively well thought out and executed, from the first moment to the last, with yao ming marching with the 9-year-old survivor and hero of the earthquake from sichuan, it's a great sign for a great seventeen days.

hell, i wrote all that and didn't even mention the skywalking torch bearer.

and the unbelievable fireworks.

wow.

holy crap wow.

i'll never forget it.

especially if we get much more of jennie finch, and nothing of the menu at guolizhuang restaurant.

also: while china impressed everyone in the world who had a television and two eyes, our chinese restaurant here in san francisco took two and a half hours to deliver dinner, and it tasted like, well, the menu at guolizhuang restaurant. whatevs.

how this can't possibly be a good idea

let's do the math:

take one olympics hosted by a country with countless and inconceivable human rights violation, add one olympic torch running ceremony already strife with protests, and then multiply it by having the route go through the most politically charged city in the world that has no fear making their feelings known, and what do you get?

a planning committee that wishes it chose singapore for a host country and indianapolis for the running route.

seriously, this could be the only time in recorded history where most of conservative america is pulling for san francisco to make a big scene.