here's the audio clip of the fake arnold schwarzenegger arguing about gay marriage and internment camps with guest announcer george takei on the howard stern show.
it's fantastic. "fake arnold" is spot-on perfect, and you can't really blame george takei. that is, until arnold says "monkey vagina" and "reacharound". you would think, like the rest of us, he would catch on, but then again, most of us weren't on the u.s.s. enterprise for our entire careers.
poor sulu. in his own words, he was "bamboozled".
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
how to pass the time in the jfk jet blue terminal while operating on very little sleep
by posting on my blog, of course.
item 1: a very stupid woman in front of me on the metal detector line woke up this morning and thought it would be a great idea to wear as much jewelry as humanly possible. seriously, you're going to a friggin' airport. do you think they're gonna give you a pass through security? "oh, well, she's wearing tons of jewelry. surely, she's not armed." being in new york and still being a new yorker, i just stared at her with this look that basically said, "are you friggin' kidding me, lady?" even mr. t would tone it down if he had enough money to fly.
item 2: i've given up on the knicks this year. but let the record show that they gave up first. so enough about them and onto a team worth my effort - mainly because they actually give some. even after last night's heartbreaker against the flyers, i can't believe how great the rangers look this year. this hendrik lundquist is just fantastic for a rookie goaltender. scratch that - for any goaltender. i can't believe i'm actually gonna have a rooting interest in this year's playoffs. fancy that.
item 3: if anyone believed the armageddon was going to happen after david hasselhoff covered steeler's wheel, then buckle up.
item 4: just seconds before the oscar nominations are announced, so here's mine for best picture: "brokeback mountain", "crash", "capote", "munich" and "good night and good luck". and, for the record, my choice is "good night and good luck".
item 5: it's still real to him, dammit. the crying wrestling fan defends himself and the world offers him its shoulder.
item 6: i need to catch my plane. hopefully i'm not sitting next to jewelryoverloadwoman. see you on the flip side.
item 1: a very stupid woman in front of me on the metal detector line woke up this morning and thought it would be a great idea to wear as much jewelry as humanly possible. seriously, you're going to a friggin' airport. do you think they're gonna give you a pass through security? "oh, well, she's wearing tons of jewelry. surely, she's not armed." being in new york and still being a new yorker, i just stared at her with this look that basically said, "are you friggin' kidding me, lady?" even mr. t would tone it down if he had enough money to fly.
item 2: i've given up on the knicks this year. but let the record show that they gave up first. so enough about them and onto a team worth my effort - mainly because they actually give some. even after last night's heartbreaker against the flyers, i can't believe how great the rangers look this year. this hendrik lundquist is just fantastic for a rookie goaltender. scratch that - for any goaltender. i can't believe i'm actually gonna have a rooting interest in this year's playoffs. fancy that.
item 3: if anyone believed the armageddon was going to happen after david hasselhoff covered steeler's wheel, then buckle up.
item 4: just seconds before the oscar nominations are announced, so here's mine for best picture: "brokeback mountain", "crash", "capote", "munich" and "good night and good luck". and, for the record, my choice is "good night and good luck".
item 5: it's still real to him, dammit. the crying wrestling fan defends himself and the world offers him its shoulder.
item 6: i need to catch my plane. hopefully i'm not sitting next to jewelryoverloadwoman. see you on the flip side.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
how letterman is making a comeback, but he still trails
david letterman hasn't really been funny in awhile, but this clip of him with bill o'reilly is the funniest (and scathing) thing he's said in years. hopefully he'll become angry again. npbpdy beats dave when he's surly.
but he's still way behind stephen colbert and conan o'brien, though.
but he's still way behind stephen colbert and conan o'brien, though.
how this is real to me
this video from a wrestling talk show has been flying around the internet, and it is completely fantastic in its patheticness.
god bless this man. and let happiness dry his tears.
god bless this man. and let happiness dry his tears.
how to make you laugh a little differently
i'm working with this female comedian on my freelance gig, and she's very smart, human and funny.
and, for all my new york reader, she's bringing her one woman show to new york. to see her comedy and to learn more about heather gold, check out her website.
here's the details:
Heather Gold's hit interactive baking comedy "I Look Like An Egg, but I Identify As A Cookie" comes to NY
2 nights only
Feb 21st+22nd
Ars Nova
511 West 54th (west of 10th)
tix $15: www.smarttix.com 1.212.868.4444
here's the direct link for tickets.
tix also available at the theatre a half hour before the show
But these shows are likely to sell out, so I'd recommend purchasing in advance.
Comedian Heather Gold mixes sexuality, the Left, and other tasty 1980s tunes as she bakes for her audience in I LOOK LIKE AN EGG BUT I IDENTIFY AS A COOKIE. In this hilarious and touching hit show, Gold addresses life's hardest questions with baking's simple truths, and in the end, everyone gets cookies.
Gold baked over 19,000 cookies with San Francisco audiences where the show ran over a year and won Best of the Bay from the Oakland tribune and Curve magazine's National Theatre Award.
Ars Nova was featured recently in the New York Times as one of the hot new Off-Broadway venues and has developed and presented great performers like Julia Sweeney, Sarah Silverman, Sandra Bernhard and Seth Rudetsky. Producer Jenny Wiener is also the brains and kishkas behind Jewcy which has been tummeling hipster NY.
email pr at subvert dot com for a press kit. Call Candi Adams at (917) 776-1170 for press comps.
More info and video trailer at www.subvert.com/cookie
and, for all my new york reader, she's bringing her one woman show to new york. to see her comedy and to learn more about heather gold, check out her website.
here's the details:
Heather Gold's hit interactive baking comedy "I Look Like An Egg, but I Identify As A Cookie" comes to NY
2 nights only
Feb 21st+22nd
Ars Nova
511 West 54th (west of 10th)
tix $15: www.smarttix.com 1.212.868.4444
here's the direct link for tickets.
tix also available at the theatre a half hour before the show
But these shows are likely to sell out, so I'd recommend purchasing in advance.
Comedian Heather Gold mixes sexuality, the Left, and other tasty 1980s tunes as she bakes for her audience in I LOOK LIKE AN EGG BUT I IDENTIFY AS A COOKIE. In this hilarious and touching hit show, Gold addresses life's hardest questions with baking's simple truths, and in the end, everyone gets cookies.
Gold baked over 19,000 cookies with San Francisco audiences where the show ran over a year and won Best of the Bay from the Oakland tribune and Curve magazine's National Theatre Award.
Ars Nova was featured recently in the New York Times as one of the hot new Off-Broadway venues and has developed and presented great performers like Julia Sweeney, Sarah Silverman, Sandra Bernhard and Seth Rudetsky. Producer Jenny Wiener is also the brains and kishkas behind Jewcy which has been tummeling hipster NY.
email pr at subvert dot com for a press kit. Call Candi Adams at (917) 776-1170 for press comps.
More info and video trailer at www.subvert.com/cookie
how this was always on my mind
i was able to buy this limited edition (only 200) hatch show print for the willie nelson concert last night at the fillmore.
he put on a great show. began with "whiskey river take my mind" and ended on that too. in between he sang every great song he wrote for him or for someone else, and a couple of waylon, hank and kris covers on top of that. no opening act, no encore, no bullshit. just willie and his band.
if you ever get a chance to see him, i couldn't endorse him any more.
he put on a great show. began with "whiskey river take my mind" and ended on that too. in between he sang every great song he wrote for him or for someone else, and a couple of waylon, hank and kris covers on top of that. no opening act, no encore, no bullshit. just willie and his band.
if you ever get a chance to see him, i couldn't endorse him any more.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
how i wish i knew how to quit me
i'll come out of the closet and say it: "brokeback mountain" is a very good movie.
but, i'll out myself and say that i really don't think it's the best movie i saw this year.
i know that might be hard to swallow.
hey, i'm not gonna keep secrets. it's a ballsy movie to make. but if the lead actors were will mccormack and jm j. bullock, i don't think it would have been as much of an achievement (and a crappier movie).
then again, bad actors like that would have pulled something out of their asses.
i don't think i can keep these gay innuendos going, so i'll come out and just say it: the movie could have been better. but it'll sweep the oscars, not as much for the actual movie but for the ballsiness of it.
still, it's a very very good movie.
how all the answers are here
if you've ever wondered what jimmie "j.j." walker thinks about such hot topics like bill cosby, reparations and mikhail gorbachev, then check out his website, complete with dyn-o-mite sticks.
this is not a fake.
this is not a fake.
how to capitalize on absolute brilliance
as of right now, bidding on the liquid form of kobe bryant's 81 points is up to over $2,000.
this is quite possibly the most clever thing ever posted on ebay.
update: it was pulled by ebay. basically, it said that if you ever wondered where nba points went beyond the scoreboard and box score, well, it forms into a liquid base in this guy's basement. and he bottled kobe's 81 points of liquid into a jar along with a smaller jar filled with his teammates' 41 points. really great stuff. too bad it got pulled. must have been the $400,000 that the bidding got up to.
this is quite possibly the most clever thing ever posted on ebay.
update: it was pulled by ebay. basically, it said that if you ever wondered where nba points went beyond the scoreboard and box score, well, it forms into a liquid base in this guy's basement. and he bottled kobe's 81 points of liquid into a jar along with a smaller jar filled with his teammates' 41 points. really great stuff. too bad it got pulled. must have been the $400,000 that the bidding got up to.
Monday, January 23, 2006
how to make me laugh
"mayor ray nagin has promised to make new orleans a chocolate city again. and when it does, we'll at least know who the delicious nut in the middle is."
- tina fey, saturday night live "weekend update"
- tina fey, saturday night live "weekend update"
Sunday, January 22, 2006
how we can summarize the next two weeks in this posting
guaranteed, these are the quotes you'll be hearing from the steelers and the seahawks in the next two weeks leading up to super bowl xl.
"nobody expected us to be here."
"we've been underestimated all year."
"they're a good football team, no doubt".
"the pressure's off. this is the fun part."
they'll each be said by numerous players, believe me.
and someone will spout off at some point, giving the other team some material for the locker room. it's completely unpredictable what's going to be said, but as for whom, my money's on joey porter.
"nobody expected us to be here."
"we've been underestimated all year."
"they're a good football team, no doubt".
"the pressure's off. this is the fun part."
they'll each be said by numerous players, believe me.
and someone will spout off at some point, giving the other team some material for the locker room. it's completely unpredictable what's going to be said, but as for whom, my money's on joey porter.
how i would give anything to know what that must feel like
kobe bryant just scored 81 points against the raptors.
yep. 81 points. in one game.
to really wrap your head around it, that's averaging 20 points each quarter.
let's break it down: in 42 minutes, he shot 28 for 46 from the field, 7-13 from downtown and 18-20 from the line. so that's 46 shots in 42 minutes. yep, that's basically shooting every time down the court. but he also had 20 free throws, so figure that there were around 56 attempts.
here's something even more impressive: they were behind most of the night, and they needed every shot from him just to stay in it. after halftime, he scored 55 points. that's completely insane. but it's good solid basketball to keep on feeding the hot hand. and he surely was hot.
still, 46 shots is an impressive amount of shots to take.
i mean, iverson shoots a lot, and he rarely tops 35. and even that seems like a ton. seriously, even when kobe shoots a lot, when he's chucking it up off one leg fadaway each time down the court (you know, like in every game), you still look at the boxscore and he still had only shot 33 times or so.
here's some more context: the most reggie miller ever shot in a game was 29 times.
at some point, kobe's arm has to fall off, but there's nothing to complain about on this night, though. he had to. he's great.
i guess what i'm trying to get across is that it's amazing that he scored 81.
but it's almost as amazing that he was able to shoot 46 times in a game. that's a ton of shots. that's basically like being alone in a gym.
but the most amazing thing that happened, BAR NONE, is that the raptors didn't tackle him each time down the court or, god forbid, double-teamed him.
by the way, in the ten games he's played in 2006, he's scored 81, 37, 51, 37, 38, 27, 41, 45, 50 and 48. to save you the effort of calculating, that's an average of 45.5 points a game, and he's doing it while shooting 48% from the field.
that's completely superhuman.
yep, kobe's got a future in this game. he's gonna be famous.
yep. 81 points. in one game.
to really wrap your head around it, that's averaging 20 points each quarter.
let's break it down: in 42 minutes, he shot 28 for 46 from the field, 7-13 from downtown and 18-20 from the line. so that's 46 shots in 42 minutes. yep, that's basically shooting every time down the court. but he also had 20 free throws, so figure that there were around 56 attempts.
here's something even more impressive: they were behind most of the night, and they needed every shot from him just to stay in it. after halftime, he scored 55 points. that's completely insane. but it's good solid basketball to keep on feeding the hot hand. and he surely was hot.
still, 46 shots is an impressive amount of shots to take.
i mean, iverson shoots a lot, and he rarely tops 35. and even that seems like a ton. seriously, even when kobe shoots a lot, when he's chucking it up off one leg fadaway each time down the court (you know, like in every game), you still look at the boxscore and he still had only shot 33 times or so.
here's some more context: the most reggie miller ever shot in a game was 29 times.
at some point, kobe's arm has to fall off, but there's nothing to complain about on this night, though. he had to. he's great.
i guess what i'm trying to get across is that it's amazing that he scored 81.
but it's almost as amazing that he was able to shoot 46 times in a game. that's a ton of shots. that's basically like being alone in a gym.
but the most amazing thing that happened, BAR NONE, is that the raptors didn't tackle him each time down the court or, god forbid, double-teamed him.
by the way, in the ten games he's played in 2006, he's scored 81, 37, 51, 37, 38, 27, 41, 45, 50 and 48. to save you the effort of calculating, that's an average of 45.5 points a game, and he's doing it while shooting 48% from the field.
that's completely superhuman.
yep, kobe's got a future in this game. he's gonna be famous.
how they'll be no mistaken
michael schiavo, the husband of terri schiavo, has married his longtime girlfriend after a long (and understandable) courtship.
the most interesting part was the wedding vows:
PRIEST: "jodi, do you promise to love michael, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?"
JODI: "i do."
MICHAEL: "did everyone hear that?"
you see, i'm already burning in hell, so i might as well pile it on.
the most interesting part was the wedding vows:
PRIEST: "jodi, do you promise to love michael, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?"
JODI: "i do."
MICHAEL: "did everyone hear that?"
you see, i'm already burning in hell, so i might as well pile it on.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
how to make your homes look nicer
my buddy jay has a website selling his photography. he's got some really great prints and, even if you're not up for buying anything, it's still worth a look and a stroll.
help a brother out. he's a great guy and an old friend.
help a brother out. he's a great guy and an old friend.
how i hope this isn't a tease
i just read this on miamiherald.com:
Liguori said that ''it is highly unlikely'' that the comedy Arrested Development will return to the network after the final four episodes of the season air in February.
''It is regrettable that we could not find the audience that that show deserved,'' Liguori said, noting that the network kept the dysfunctional-family sitcom -- a favorite with critics but a pariah for audiences -- around for three seasons of abominable ratings before pulling the plug.
Two other networks are negotiating to pick up Arrested Development. ABC is mulling over a single-season deal for 13 episodes, while the premium-cable channel Showtime is talking about a two-year commitment. Liguori said there has been some discussion of moving the show to Fox's cable cousin FX, but it's too expensive to be profitable there.
firstly, i am ecstatic that there are four more episodes. with the brilliance of the last episode, i thought they were done for good and in a most fitting fashion. but there's more bluths for us. sweet.
and, even more importantly, i couldn't be any more ecstatic that they've got two offers on the table, even though ABC kinda scares me. they really don't seem to be like a network that understands high-concept humor (or humor, for that matter). i mean, it could be worse, like CBS. still, sweet.
saveourbluths.com must be working.
Liguori said that ''it is highly unlikely'' that the comedy Arrested Development will return to the network after the final four episodes of the season air in February.
''It is regrettable that we could not find the audience that that show deserved,'' Liguori said, noting that the network kept the dysfunctional-family sitcom -- a favorite with critics but a pariah for audiences -- around for three seasons of abominable ratings before pulling the plug.
Two other networks are negotiating to pick up Arrested Development. ABC is mulling over a single-season deal for 13 episodes, while the premium-cable channel Showtime is talking about a two-year commitment. Liguori said there has been some discussion of moving the show to Fox's cable cousin FX, but it's too expensive to be profitable there.
firstly, i am ecstatic that there are four more episodes. with the brilliance of the last episode, i thought they were done for good and in a most fitting fashion. but there's more bluths for us. sweet.
and, even more importantly, i couldn't be any more ecstatic that they've got two offers on the table, even though ABC kinda scares me. they really don't seem to be like a network that understands high-concept humor (or humor, for that matter). i mean, it could be worse, like CBS. still, sweet.
saveourbluths.com must be working.
how you should never underestimate the bargain bin
found and purchased at the "4 vinyl records for $10" pile at open mind music on divisadero:
"ghost in the machine" by the police
"the stranger" by billy joel
"business at usual" by men at work
"beck-ola" by jeff beck
"dylan" by bob dylan
"santana's greatest hits"
in total? $15.
i got to say, though, "the stranger" isn't sounding so well, but whatever. it's hard to complain when it's just the price of a bagel with cream cheese.
"ghost in the machine" by the police
"the stranger" by billy joel
"business at usual" by men at work
"beck-ola" by jeff beck
"dylan" by bob dylan
"santana's greatest hits"
in total? $15.
i got to say, though, "the stranger" isn't sounding so well, but whatever. it's hard to complain when it's just the price of a bagel with cream cheese.
how you see and hear strange things
while walking to the store this morning, i walked past a bum on the corner who said to his friend, and i quote, "you see, i think terrorism is a bad thing."
good to know.
later, i'm taking the 71-haight bus back home, and i find myself sitting across from an old man, in his seventies, sporting a hearing aid. none of that is odd.
the fact that he had his mouth dropped open while reading a playboy in full view for everyone to see was, well, there are no words.
that was my saturday.
good to know.
later, i'm taking the 71-haight bus back home, and i find myself sitting across from an old man, in his seventies, sporting a hearing aid. none of that is odd.
the fact that he had his mouth dropped open while reading a playboy in full view for everyone to see was, well, there are no words.
that was my saturday.
how you need a statement to make a statement
the one thing that bothers me about espn college basketball analyst digger phelps' fashion statement of matching the color of his highlighter to his tie is not that he's matching his highlighter to his tie.
it's that what the hell is he using a highlighter for? he's a basketball analyst, not a biology student. what could he be possibly highlighting? he's reading off a teleprompter, ain't he?
makes no sense.
it's that what the hell is he using a highlighter for? he's a basketball analyst, not a biology student. what could he be possibly highlighting? he's reading off a teleprompter, ain't he?
makes no sense.
how you've got to be kidding me
i just watched letterman, and he had actress/hot-piece-of-ass jordana brewster on as his guest. she's appearing/starring in a movie called "annapolis" with james franco.
anyways, it's about a hot shot cadet who falls in love with his beautiful instructor.
and they showed a clip of the bar scene where he introduces himself to her.
did i mention that this is the first installment of "how you've got to be kidding me?"
honestly, if you're gonna remake "top gun", at least let it be known instead of trying to slip under the radar. she mentioned that she's his boxing instructor, but have you seen what jordana brewster looks like? and on top of that, what's the difference between a boxing instructor or engagement instructor? oooh, is it that one's in a ring, the other's in the sky? is that really enough?
sadly, i guess so.
if james franco describes how a MiG 28 does a 4g negative dive, i'm calling for reinforcements on hollywood.
by the way, did you know that kelly mcgillis is three inches taller than tom cruise? me neither. but i love shit like that.
anyways, it's about a hot shot cadet who falls in love with his beautiful instructor.
and they showed a clip of the bar scene where he introduces himself to her.
did i mention that this is the first installment of "how you've got to be kidding me?"
honestly, if you're gonna remake "top gun", at least let it be known instead of trying to slip under the radar. she mentioned that she's his boxing instructor, but have you seen what jordana brewster looks like? and on top of that, what's the difference between a boxing instructor or engagement instructor? oooh, is it that one's in a ring, the other's in the sky? is that really enough?
sadly, i guess so.
if james franco describes how a MiG 28 does a 4g negative dive, i'm calling for reinforcements on hollywood.
by the way, did you know that kelly mcgillis is three inches taller than tom cruise? me neither. but i love shit like that.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
how there's hope for the rest of us
if a snake and a hamster can make it in today's world, then there's no reason we all can't get along.
who's with me?
who's with me?
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