how i never got the whole english monarchy thing until now (kinda)

"the queen"
starring helen mirren, michael sheen and james cromwell
directed by stephen frears
written by peter morgan
viewed at the kabuki theater, san francisco

even though i was an english lit major, i never really got the reasons why england still had the whole monarchy thing - you know, past their linear ties to times past. i realized that the king, back in the day, was the ruling body. but with parliament and the prime minister now with so much power, why were these people idolized other than that their blood is the blood of kings and queens from years ago? that was my american longview. totally didn't get it.

but, within the first five minutes of this film, queen elizabeth squashed all that when she tells tony blair, "it's my government. you have to ask me of you want to run it." oh. got it. done. parliament is a bunch of independent contractors who are hired by the people to run the government that's owned by the house of windsor.

and, above the whole monarchy thing, i never really got the whole princess di thing either. i mean, she's royalty, and therefore, above mere citizens. and when she died, i always figured that the public outpouring of grief was because of her celebrity, that she was a well-known pretty public figure. that was also my american longview. and yeah, now i know how wrong i was.

this movie is about all of that, but mostly about how you can be so insular and completely lose touch with reality. i'm sure that's the deal with the english monarchy. they live privileged lives unlike and above those of their subjects in their country. and this movie is a microcosm of that, but in a time when the country needed them the most - the days after the death of their beloved princess.

it's a remarkable film of old traditions bumping up against modern times. and it's all corralled by helen mirren, who is completely mesmerizing at her royal majesty. if she doesn't win an oscar, they probably shouldn't hand one out.

plus, michael sheen is fantastic as tony blair (although i always thought that tony blair was just a zany martin short character). and james cromwell was great as usual as prince philip.

there's so much to like about this film. hell, i learned a ton just by watching it. and i've just scratched the surface of what it's about - although i still don't know what the royal family exactly does.

it's the second best movie i've seen this year, behing "the departed". and that's nothing to be ashamed of.

how junk mail has practically just given up

this was found in the "comments" section of the post below:

Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for different ways to earn money... I did find this though...a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping. I made over $900 last month having fun! make extra money now

of course, this is a generic e-mail sent out to millions of blogs (are there really millions of blogs?), but still, let's break this down sentence by sentence, just in case the commentor is reading this again:

Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't quite find what I was looking for.
this is completely understandable. sometimes, i do write too much about sports, and sometimes i get off on stupid tangents. i don't really know what my audience is past my close friends and family, although i do seem to have tapped a vein into the taylor hicks and josh groban crowds. i have no qualms with this sentence. you, dear commentor, are completely in the right in this one, and i am taking this opportunity to salute you, although you're probably not reading this blog again, for i was not what you were looking for. a compliment wasted, really.

I'm looking for different ways to earn money.
who isn't? i am. we all are. who wouldn't want that? but why would you think that the steveohville speakeasy would supply that information to you? i've never written on that subject. i have my own ways of earning money, of which i am happy to share. but it's very specific to me and my job, so it's not like it's general information, and it wouldn't really pertain to you. maybe you mistook the name of my blog as the $teveohville $peakea$y. i a$$ure you, that is fal$e.

I did find this though...a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping. I made over $900 last month having fun!
wow. that's great. but is making $900 a month really something you should be bragging about? the fact that you stated $900 instead of $1000 means that what you made is somewhere between $900-$999. and you would have rounded up if it were $950. so, really, you made somewhere between $900-$949 last month, which really isn't that much and probably at some point will get you on "the people's court" as a defendant. again, that's nothing you should be bragging about. but at least you were having fun. and if i were you, i wouldn't be spending my time reading blogs like this. or be on the internet. unless it's for finding cheap santa suits.

which, by the way, you can find here.

how to rock the $2 bargain bin that was previously undiscovered

i go into green apple books every week, and although i rummage through their vinyl, i've never noticed their $2 bargain bin. you can't blame a man. i've only been inside the store over a hundred times or so.

anyways, here's my gold mine:

willie nelson and ray price - "san antonio rose"
original motion picture soundtrack for "the sting"
willie nelson - "pretty paper" (xmas album)
rod stewart - "foot loose and fancy free"
herb alpert tijuana brass - "south of the border"
chicago greatest hits
graham parker and the rumour - "stick to me"
the hollies greatest hits
b.j. thomas greatest hits
fleetwood mac - "mirage"
willie nelson - "angel eyes"
neil diamond - "hot august night" (in concert)
carl reiner and mel brooks
original motion picture soundtrack for "the graduate"

all that for a grand total for $28.

how haunting can be beautiful

i read about this clip in rolling stone magazine of elvis presley singing "unchained melody" in concert and, i gotta say, it's utterly jawdropping.

it's elvis' rendition of that sad song, with him playing the piano and singing as the jordaniares stand quiety beside him, and there's heartache in every word he presents, dripping with the pain from every syllable. his craft as a singer was never finer, never more sharp, never more incisive. and he makes it his, all his.

it's haunting.

and it's moving to watch, as this is the fat elvis, hopped up on drugs, completely out of his mind, sweat laden, and yet he's able to hit that higher octave right at the end. you see his physical condition completely demolished, and yet his voice is completely intact, an absolutely amazing performance by an absolutely amazing singer.

and again, haunting, as this was just eight weeks before his death.

put your volume all the way up.

how it's all a matter of perspective

here's a video of pauly shore getting punched by a heckler in odessa, texas.

if it were andy dick, everyone would think that this whole thing was a bit. if it were chris rock, everyone would think that the puncher was a racist. if it were jon stewart, everyone would call for the heckler's head.

but it's pauly shore. so everyone laughed and clapped.

a bigger question: what were people in odessa, texas even doing paying their hard earned money to se pauly shore, star of "biodome" and "in the army now"? was jeff foxworthy already booked in el paso? and didn't that heckler have something better to do, like raping his horse or something? maybe raping his cow?

and, most importantly, how did pauly shore get so prime a gig?

(on a serious note: where the hell was security on this one? that's inexcusable. then again, what did pauly shore say for security to think that he deserved it).

how i wish i had the power to waste money like this

on tuesday's "late night with conan o'brien", he had a skit introducing new college mascots. one of them was the fsu manatee webcams. and it featured a mascot dressed as a manatee dancing in front of a computer while someone from the band watched it all on a laptop.

when it came back to conan, he remarked that he's watching it on hornymanatee.com.

it was an offhand spontaneous remark. it wasn't on the script. it was just something to fill time.

anyways, nbc came back to conan and informed him that whenever he mentions a made-up website name on the air - like hornymanatee.com - they have to automatically buy it. yes, the corporate and legal world has become that ridiculous.

so, conan figured that since they have it - for the next ten years - they might as well build it out.

so here it is - hornymanatee.com. the fan art is especially fantastic, specifically this one.

how my clothes will undoubtedly be urine scented

i do my laundry every other saturday in the same laundromat (and before i get e-mails, i have sixteen pairs of underwear). whenever i go in, there's usually a homeless guy there with a long red beard and a freaky black trenchcoat who's just hanging out. he's harmless, i reckon, but he's there. he's not always there, but he's there enough.

and, for some reason, i kinda feel good that he's there with my clothes while i'm out on a run while my washer is going. because he's always there, he seems like an employee. and yes, it sounds as stupid as it reads.

aaaaaanyways, while walking out of walgreens today, i noticed him hanging out. i've never seen him outside the laundromat. so my eyes locked onto him, and his onto mine. and that's when i accidentally kicked over his change chalace.

it scampered all the way down the block. of course, i didn't see it and of course, i went to get it and put the thirty five cents that were in it. and of course, i gave it back to him. no harm, no foul.

that is, until i take my clothes out of the dryer next weekend.

how the unintentionally funny meter just got busted

ladies and gentlemen, i present to you the barbaro message board.

barbaro, in case you don't remember, is the horse that won the first two legs of the triple crown, and then broke his own leg while running in the third.

and these are messages from his fans. you know, well wishes.

written by actual people.

to a horse.

who can't read.

and even if he could, probably wouldn't give a shit.

they're also reacting to commentors from deadspin.com, who have infiltrated it with their usual panache.

i have nothing more to say, sweet princes and princesses.

how you never really can tell

i'm sitting in yet another coffeehouse, this one in my neighborhood. nice enough place. small. it's right next to a ballet center, so once the class gets out, the little girls and their mothers gather at the small coffeehouse.

so it's, in a word, LOUD.

not sure if i'm going back there.

aaanyways, i'm sitting there in one of the quiet moments, and i see an old man putter to us in one of those motorized wheelchairs/scooters. i couldn't take my eyes off the guy as he drove across the street because he was sitting side saddle - which, i gotta say, i've never seen before. then again, he had to, since he had a bucket of what looked like junk set in front of him.

he finally made it to the front door, which was closed, and being the fine gentleman i am, i opened it for him.

"why thank you sir," he said.

"no problem," i replied as i turn around to sit down.

"hey, the name's dale condry, and i've got a fantastic opportunity for you". he offered me his hand. his nails were the size of bottlecaps.

"sir, i don't work..."

"licorice soda!"

"what?"

"what i'm offering you and your establishment is a chance to sell licorice soda at a discount price. i've got a brochure here - it's got some writing on it so please, overlook that, but it's the last one i got - but it's gonna be the hit of the century, i tell ya."

"sir, i don't work here."

"oh...you don't."

"nah. i'm a customer".

"oh...well, can you point me to the big man of the house?"

i looked at the woman behind the counter. she ducked down to avoid him. "yeah, she's hiding over there."

he scooted over to her. ""hey, the name's dale condry, and i've got a fantastic opportunity for you. what i'm offering you and your establishment is a chance to sell licorice soda at a discount price. i've got a..."

of course, she wasn't interested. so the old man scooted out the door - and into the ballet center.

so to recap: old man. nails like bottlecaps. scooter. side saddle. licorice soda, whatever that is.

thank you, jesus.

how the mundane can be brilliant

i hung out at the canvas cafe in my old neighborhood yesterday. it's a great place to write - a huge coffeehouse with a monthly art gallery on the walls and nightly shows like open mic, jazz, djs, comedy or whatnot. if you can't get inspired in a place like this, you just can't get inspired.

now that i've moved neighborhoods, i can easily say that i really miss that place.

but i was back there yesterday and i did some great writing, really solid stuff that i'm proud of. but, after a couple of iced teas, a chicken ceaser salad and a chocolate chip cookie, well, my bladder be exploding. so i hit the john and, like everything else in this place, even that was creative - especially in the stall.

the resident artist for the month drew and spraypainted these characters all over.


and amid all that were just scribbles written by other shitters - but really deep thoughts, like "i wish i were alive" or "forgive. just forgive" and other stuff i can't remember. some of it were really powerful.

and then, this:


i can't tell you how brilliant that is.

best. shit. ever.

how this marriage only seems to get stronger and stronger

there doesn't seem to be any let up in the innovation between the california milk processor board and their longtime ad agency (and my former haunt) goodby silverstein and partners. taking "got milk?" to a new level, they embedded a bunch of bus shelters in san francisco with the smell of cookies. seriously, if that doesn't make you crave some milk, then you're a lost cause.

besides, i'd rather smell cookies in a bush shelter than the usual urine scent.

so, in typical san francisco fashion (and i love this city, i really do), people are complaining.

one complaint is that, although these aromas are good for the environment, this could lead to perfume companies following suit and policing whether or not these scents pass muster and be safe to all could be unregulated. i get that. i see that.

but here's where the crazy come in.

some people are complaining that the cookie scents are unfair to the homeless because, and i shit you not, it would make them want to eat cookies and milk, and they don't have the money to do so.

seriously.

i couldn't make that up if i tried.

so people out here are worried about the homeless and their right to drink themselves to death because, god forbid, they actually eat cookies and milk instead.

got sanity?

how you can't take college football seriously when you consider this

i've been on board the college football bandwagon for awhile. the tailgating, the gameday atmosphere, the passion, the pageantry - i get it and i'll be its greatest cheerleader.

but when you break down how they pick a championship game, well, it undermines most of what's great about the sport.

let's break down this year's selection:

ohio state is obviously #1.

going into the final week, usc was firmly planted at #2, even though it had one loss along with michigan, florida and wisconsin. yet we can safely eliminate wisconsin from this discussion for no real reason whatsoever. and also boise state, who was undefeated in a softer schedule.

so if usc won, they would play ohio state. why? well, they would win the pac-10, and they had a tough schedule, and...well, an opinion, i guess, even though florida won the sec championship and also had one loss and played a tougher schedule. and that michigan only loss was to ohio state by 3.

but usc lost. so logic would say that michigan, who was #3 in the rankings, would therefore move up to #2 and play ohio state in a rematch.

but florida's win over arkansas vaulted them to #2 and into the championship game.

but let's be real honest about this.

if usc wins, florida doesn't leapfrog michigan in the rankings even with their win. they just don't. nobody outside the south believes florida is a better team than michigan.

but usc lost, and since michigan hasn't played in two weeks, florida goes to #2.

michigan dropped two spots in two weeks, even though they haven't played.

so, to break this down:

florida is voted as a better team than michigan only because ucla beat usc. and because michigan's schedule ended two weeks earlier.

ladies and gentlemen, your ncaa football championship game selection process.

how i have to ask

did nicole kidman marry a leprechaun,
or did keith urban marry big bird?

how this has become the future of my industry

and as seen here, it's already jumped the shark.

brilliantly done.

how i wish my industry were always this honest

if i had a client, i'd suggest that they should do something like this, mostly because of how endearing and honest it is.

how can you not like these people?

how a thousand miles should not stop you from celebrating by committing a felony

here's a video of ucsb students celebrating their school's ncaa soccer championship by stealing a goalpost and marching in the streets.

while watching this quick 16 second clip, please keep in mind that:
1. the game took place in st. louis.
2. this video takes place in santa barbara.
3. the students went to a random field and stole a random goalpost.

hilarious.

how a local legend has gotten his due

i always find it funny that in a city as clever and intelligent as san francisco, the biggest local celebrity is a guy who hides behind a bush and scares the crap out of tourists. if you don't know the bushman, get to know him before you soil yourself.

it's a messaround.

how i really don't care, but if it were up to me

ohio state would play florida in the bcs championship game.

i just don't think that you shouldn't play for a national championship if you haven't won your conference. sorry, michigan. you had your shot at the buckeyes.

that's just me. then again, i'm not a conference commissioner or a bowl organizer, whose main priorities are to be sure that the division 1A scholar-athletes - unlike 1-AA, 2 and 3 football players - have plenty of time to study for finals in lieu of playoffs, because that is what's important here and not money, right? and that a playoff wouldn't work because of all of those reasons and not for money purposes, of course of course of course.

of course, the bcs only works when the choices are obvious - two undefeated teams, two one loss teams. in this case, it doesn't. it'll pick a team, and the whole process will be flawed. again. no matter who gets the nod.

as usual, when money drives the answer, the answer is usually wrong.

how i am woefully inadequate as a writer

after a bad day of writing, where i really did nothing productive with my third act, i decided that it might be a good idea to put my pen down and check out two of the best movies of this year - made by two of the best filmmakes in the world.

so i did. and i realized how far i need to go.


starring penélope cruz and lola dueñas
written and directed by pedro almodóvar
viewed at the clay theater, san francisco

as with many of almodovar's films, we take a short turn into the obscure and high tail it to the bizarre. but that's a good thing, because it usually comes from a good place - in this case, the idea that you have to open your eyes to see the world you make for yourself. or at least that's what i got from the film. it wasn't obvious. i really had to work for it. but that's a good thing. i don't think finding out what a movie is about should be transparent. and, as with many of almodovar's films, it's funny and colorful and thoughtful, emotional and seductive, beautifui and poetic. and, above all, fun. penelope cruz is fantastic, but then again, she rarely isn't.


starring brad pitt, cate blanchett and loads of others
directed by alejandro gonzález iñárritu
written by guillermo arriaga
viewed at the bridge theater, san francisco

just one good deed can set off dire consequences. like in "volver", that theme wasn't obvious to me, and i love that it wasn't. like "amores perros" and "21 grams", the storytelling is unrelenting, morbid, graphic, intense and eloquent, with characters making hard choices that seem unimaginable to us. his movies don't necessarily have happy endings; in fact, i even wonder why they make the movies they do. they're never uplifting or even sheds some optimism on the human condition. still, it's marvelous storytelling and filmmaking, from acting to writing to directing to the scoring to the editing. there's not one facet of this film that you're not in awe of. at least, i was.

shit. even my reviews suck when compared to these films.

i've got some work to do.

how i'll probably come across sounding like a pig by posting this, but what the hell, it's true, it's true

i'm sitting in a coffeehouse on fillmore street, which is the main thoroughfare in exclusive pacific heights. although this is very unscientific - which constitutes of a quick glance at every woman who passes by my window seat - i'd have to guess that the ratio of great asses - whether formed by workout regimes, great genes, tight jeans or eating disorders - to even just an average looking ass is about 723:1. and the average asses would be standouts anywhere else in the city.

as a matter of fact, i saw just one woman with a big ass. and i think she just got arrested.

and that, my friends is off the charts.

(and even the chart has a very nice ass).

just saying.

oink.