how to keep a log during the giants-cowboys game

a simple record of phone conversations between my father, my brother and me during the good guys vs. bad guys game sunday morning.

10:13 - my father and i agree that the giants need to bench frank walker after his second consecutive penalty on third down. also, first utterance of the "f word".

10:45 - the word "asshole" is used to describe announcer and former cowboy troy aikman. note that i didn't say that it wasn't the first time that word was used to describe him or last week's announcer daryl "moose" johnson. i hate them both. what assholes. i'm glad thier former teammate michael irvin is doing them proud. they all can go "f word" themselves.

10:48 - touchdown, brandon jacobs - the human bulldozer. quick discussion over his usage at the goal line. i think they should use him more at the goal-line for play-actions. but that's just me.

10:54 - when strahan and umenyiora rush him, drew bledsoe shuffles around in the pocket like a drunk figure skater. and when he fumbles, he looks like a christmas shopper with one too many gifts in her arms. awesome.

11:25 - 10-0 giants at half. dad and i agree that's it's good to see jay feely actually playing for our team this week.

11:39 - dad calls after my mad sprint back from the corner store for a bottle of horseradish. touchdown giants. huh? thankfully, god is a football fan who also invented tivo, and i play it backwards. fumble on the hand-off, antonio pierce in the end zone. 17-0 good guys. this shrimp cocktail sauce is gonna taste amazing.

12:10 - 17-10. officially scared. we're looking like absolute crap right now.

12:27 - "i can't tell if aaron glenn was holding plaxico burress, or if burress is holding glenn". troy aikman actually said that on a play where glenn raped burress on a crossing pattern, as if burress would impede his own route. it's such an obvious pass interference penalty, that even the refs were able to see it and call it. yep, everyone knew it was, that is except for the jackass in the announcer's booth. aikman? asshole. asshole? aikman. if he's gonna call a cowboys game against the giants, you gotta counteract him with phil mcconkey. or, better yet, LT. that would scare the shit out of him.

12:46 - jay feely is killing me. that's 12 points he's left on the board in the past two weeks. jesus christ. is it that hard to find a competent kicker nowadays?

12:51 - luke petitgout is killing me. enough with the penalties.

12:56 - our defense is killing their offense. god bless them. just 1:47 to go. run, tiki, run.

1:01 - well, that possession sucked. ball downed at the four. god bless you, jeff feagles. at least he gives us one good foot on our team. yes, i'm talking about you, jay feely.

1:09 - exhale. first place. need new kicker and left tackle. exhale.

how i can hardly imagine

i never saw gale sayers play. i've seen highlights, but those are just highlights. and i've heard about his exploits, from commentators to my dad. i've even read about him. and when the best running backs in football history are discussed, his name always comes up.

all week long up to the big game, i've heard how usc running back reggie bush reminds many of gale sayers.

but after 225 yards rushing in the first half against the 12th ranked team in the country with a rose bowl invite on the line, i can't imagine that gale sayers was this good.

how believers will believe in anything

somewhere in this world, there's a grilled cheese jesus that's jealously weeping, begging for attention.

run to him.

but make sure you stop off in sacramento first.

how if this were a script, you'd call bullshit on it

tom clancy said that the difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense.

that couldn't be proven any more than by the day-to-day existance of tom cruise.

at this point, he is quickly becoming a parody. of what, i don't know, but it sure as hell ain't of someone from this planet.

take this new item from his crazyhouse: "don't question me about the history of sonograms. only i know the history of sonograms. you don't."

okay, he didn't say that.

but you know he was thinking it.

how to make me laugh

from one of the funniest shows on television, "inside the nba" (and that's not a joke. charles barkley, kenny smith and ernie johnson are seriously one of the funniest casts on television):

after a terrible lakers-jazz game, charles is missing. he walks back to the set, saying, "sorry i'm late. i was busy throwing up".

when talking about the jazz, charles says "if stockton and malone saw them play tonight, they'd be turning over in their graves".

while giving a review of kobe's night, his seventh 30-shot night this season, most of which were terrible (in comparison, charles only had three in his 16-year career), charles said "the only comparison you make with jordan and kobe is that they're both black".

how jesus must cringe at jesus freaks

i never liked the cristian rock band creed - which means i have no good will towards scott stapp, their incredibly annoying lead singer. from going out of his way to mimicking eddie vedder's voice to his incomprehensibly terrible christian-centric music, the guy just seems to be a walking horror story. and, to be honest, he always seemed to be a hypocrite and overly holier-than-thou.

you know, like most people of his ilk who claim that "personal relationship" crap.

and now he seems to be all the way in the deep end.

i laughed my ass off this summer when i read this account of someone duping him into thinking he would be getting laid at a denny's in gainesville, florida. and i asked myself what would jesus do? well, he probably wouldn't be looking for pootytang there. you would think that the almighty has better taste.

but now superjesus seems to be taking the water into wine thing to an extreme. he's currently in the midst of drunken rampage which has led to fights with beth ostrosky and some chump from the band 311.

yep, somewhere up there, jesus is cringing at yet another embarrassing episode delivered by one of his employees. you would think he would hire better people to spread his word, don't you think? i mean, what i'm trying to get across is that jesus needs a better HR department. these people claim to represent jesus. that's important. you can't go bottom of the barrel on this.

how every met victory comes with a punch in the gut

i'm a lifelong mets fan, through mostly bad and good, and i could not be any more excited about the prospects of 2006. not only did we get carlos delgado and billy wagner - thereby significantly upgrading our two weak areas - but we did so without touching our young nucleus of david wright, jose reyes and lastings milledge - and aaron heilman, if you want to include him, too.

that's so important and valuable, to have a plan and to follow through with it. plans elicit hope.

so i'm geeked about all this and i've even kept my schedule for next october completely free.

and then i read that our co-owner, jeff wilpon, who is widely considered to be a jackass, basically told delgado that he will not be able to continue with his personal protest against the war in iraq (and other things) by forcing him to stand during the national anthem.

by the way, i would say that forcing someone to do something just sounds so completely unamerican and against everything what we're fighting for over there, but then again, someone please explain to me again what the hell are we fighting for?

i don't disagree with having to follow the rules of your employee when they're paying you. but as long as you don't embarass yourself or the team, what harm is there in this? he's been nothing but classy and thoughful about it.

still, delgado replied with ""i'm employee no. 21. i'm not going to put myself in front of the team. i'm here to follow orders." well played, carlos. classy.

so that problem has been diverted.

what truly irks me, however, is that wilpon is saying these team rules have come down from manager willie randolph and general manager omar minaya.

but that's not really true, according to newsday.

"I'd rather have a man who's going to stand up and say what he believes," manager Willie Randolph said. "We have a right as Americans to voice that opinion."

So why would the Mets cite some unwritten team rule that nobody would claim as his? Wilpon said it was Randolph's and Omar Minaya's rule, though neither the manager nor the GM were around Shea for the post-9/11 playing of the song. Minaya said, "This is from ownership."

so wilpon, a white man, doesn't want to tell his puerto rican employee what to do or what to think, so he lies and tells that the order instead comes from a dominican general manager and his african-american manager.

now that's classy.

how you really should expect this sort of behavior

sometimes, children are just bad and there's nothing anyone can do to change them. and then, in some instances, the finger should be pointed squarely at their parents because their offspring just didn't have a chance.

like this charming chap. what else did you expect him to do? win a nobel prize? cure cancer?

even though it's not an exact match, the parents who named this child should be arrested and put in a cell with the parents of LA dodger outfielder and famous hothead milton bradley.

how to be the best around

you know how when you love a movie as a kid, and then when you see it as an adult, you're ashamed of how shitty your tastes were in your youth?

if you don't, watch "flash gordon" again.

but there's like a handful of movies that are still great. and almost everybody i know laughs at me when i claim that "the karate kid" is one of them.

anyways, the sports guy agrees with me in this fantastic review of the trilogy. it's one of the funniest things i've read in a long time.

and always remember: strike first strike hard no mercy.

how to defy gravity and perceptions

here's a video of nate robinson's first dunk in the nba. just click on "Nov. 28: Nate Robinson rocks the rim".

you might be asking me why you should give a crap. there's tons of dunks in an average nba game.

but i ask, how many of them are done by a player listed at 5'8"?

how to lose a game you won three times

jay feely.

seriously, as much as i'm angry with him is how confident i am with my giants. going into seattle where they don't lose, playing basically 11-on-12 against an impossibly loud crowd, and still manhandling them and basically beating them three times, well, i'd rather have the W, but there's no doubt who'd win if we played them again.

go eli.

how to respond to a frivolous lawsuit

go get 'em, borat.

how some species need to be extinct

on my plane ride back up to seattle yesterday, i sat in an aisle next to an older gent who wore shorts and pennyloafers - no socks.

yes, i said shorts and bare feet into pennyloafers.

i'm as shocked as you are. i thought we strangled all of them.

i must alert the authorities.

how resembles does not mean exactly

when someone says "you resemble someone", it doesn't mean that you're an exact match. it just means that there's something about you that reminds them of that person.

but when someone says "you're like a twin", well, that says everything.

the reason i bring this up is because i found this website with celebrity lookalikes, except most of them look nothing like who they're imitating, and it made me laugh at how some people want to believe anything.

at the very least, self-delusion can get you onto this website. good for them.

i didn't look through all, but here are some of my favorite people who insanely think they look like this celebrity:
pamela anderson
halle berry
mariah carey
penelope cruz
paris hilton
angelina jolie
another angelina jolie
patrick swayze
howard stern

at least the tom cruise one was accurate.

how to get excited for something four months away

1. jose reyes, SS.
2. carlos beltran, CF.
3. david wright, 3B.
4. carlos delgado, 1B.
5. cliff floyd, LF.
6. (xavier nady), RF.
7. (catcher)
8. (second baseman).
9. pedro martinez, P.

and we're not done yet.

let's go mets.

how to pass time on alaska airlines

things i saw or noticed during my alaska airlines flight from san francisco to seattle on tuesday morning:

1. everyone should fly north to seattle or vancouver at least once. you know when you fly over the rockies, and you're kinda amazed by the unending mountains with jagged edges? well, you get that, along with these huge mountains and volcanoes that suspensefully shoot up from the already raised ground. i'm talking about mount hood and the three sisters and mount saint helena and on and on and on. it really feels like one of them is gonna trip the plane.

2. from the air mag: the city of edmonton has 900,000 residents. i seriously had no idea. i need to catch up with my relevance of canadian cities.

3. the color white of clouds is not as vivid as the color white of snow. (of course, best if viewed from above them both).

4. the soul patch that my male flight attendant grew has to be the last act of a desperate man.

how arrogance equals stupidity

i know i've blogged before at how stupid businesses and corporations are when they buy the naming rights to a venue or whatnot. they have every right to do so; they should just show a little taste and put their name after it. my point being that nobody cares about corporate sponsorship except for the corporations. to everyone else, it's another annoyance in the world. but corporations are just too arrogant to see that.

i just confused myself.

okay, try this: it shouldn't be called "the doritos tostida fiesta bowl". nobody gives a crap about doritos tostidas. if corporations had any taste, it would be named "the fiesta bowl, brought to you by doritos tostida" because doritos tostida has nothing to do with the fiesta bowl.

it should always be "this thing" presented by "this company".

the point is to leave things alone. bless you for sponsoring it, but get out of the way. it ain't about you and your branding. as is the industry standard, when you leave it to a corporation to make a decision, they can't help themselves.

but now it's gotten out of hand.

the navy midshipmen football team just won an invitation to play in the inaugural poinsettia bowl. it ain't the sugar or the rose or fiesta or orange or the cotton. it's a poinsettia bowl. unfortunately, the people who named the bowls found the most feminine name ever.

but, again, what makes it worse is that it's not just the poinsettia bowl - i shit you not, it's the san diego county credit union poinsettia bowl.

yes, the san diego county credit union poinsettia bowl.

the one and only.

just rolls off the tongue.

very natural.

makes perfect sense.

idiots.

ugh.

how i was late to the draw

i was gonna post something about how "the madden curse" has reared its ugly head again and, considering all my pain and suffering, how it makes me laugh hysterically, but darren rovell at espn beat me to it.

damn you, good reporters who get paid to do so.

damn you, for sucking my fun away.

how to replenish cool

when my roommate JR moved out last weekend, not only did i lose one of my best friends, but also quite possibly the best collection of vinyl records ever.

of course, i built my own collection as well, only buying records from artists that i think would sound better on the rawness and scratchiness that a needle provides. basically, albums that sound the way you hear music inside a crowded smoke-filled small theater. so i have a bunch already.

the others, i miss.

do not shed a tear. i was walking around noe valley today and found streetlight records, which has an amazing selection. i never knew this place existed. maybe they just opened up for me, knowing my plight and sudden lack of coolness.

$75 later, and i'm back being cool again somewhat.

here are my new additions which, in reality, are just replacements (except not in a few cases):

the rolling stones - "some girls" - $3.95
the rolling stones- "it's only rock and roll" - $5.95
the rolling stones - "beggars banquet" - $4.95
willie nelson - "stardust" - $3.95
u2 - "the unforgettable fire" - $2.95
fleetwood mac - "rumours" - $2.95
bruce springsteen - "darkness on the edge of town" - $1.00
the very best of hank williams - $5.95
eric clapton - "461 ocean boulevard" - $3.95
lynryd skynyrd - "gold and platinum" - $6.95

and, because no band was made for vinyl any more than them,
the white stripes - "de stijl" - $11.98
the white stripes - "elephant" - $14.98

sweeeeeet.

now all i need is something to play them on.

how when the mighty fall, they land on their faces

here's a photo of my roommate brett (in red, obviously) with a famous singer who currently looks like cold hard death.



go ahead. i dare you to name him.

and it's not robert plant.

how someone's lying somewhere

p.j.'s oyster bed, a cajun restuarant of fine repute in my neighborhood, had a special tonight on "fresh maine lobsters".

sounds delicious, until you realize that i live in san francisco.

so...is it fresh or is it maine?

you make the call. can't be both.

how promptness is kryptonite

after about a full decade of failed attempts that involved rumors attaching nicolas cage, charlie sheen, keanu reeves or brendan fraser as the star and brett ratner, j.j. abrams, mcg or wolfgang peterson behind the camera, finally, a friggin' trailer for the new "superman" movie is out, starring some unknown guy as the man of steel but directed by bryan singer (and there's no bettter choice to do this than him).

and, the coolest thing about this? jor-el.

i'll stop geeking out.

how disappointed am i

that i can't buy "you're the best (around)" from "the karate kid" as a ringtone on my phone?

it's undoubtedly a devilsh ploy by the cobra kai.

how lawyers suck

after my recent stint as juror #1 in a sexual battery case, i have a newfounded disrespect and downright hatred for lawyers - and it's well earned. i'm not saying all lawyers should be grouped together in that ball of fire, but the ones that tried the case were horrific on so many levels, and whenever you hear about lawyers in the news, good rarely comes of it.

anyway, netflix just got sued by a customer who claimed that netflix lies when it says you can get "unlimited" rentals in a month when, if you figure in shipment times, you can really only get about 10 a month, give or take.

okay, that's semantics. i guess that makes them liable. whatever.

plus they complained that the more you rent, the longer the turnaround.

okay, that's conjecture. again, liable.

to avoid all this semantics and conjecture, netflix wound up settling out of court.

so for all of netflix's customers, everyone receives one free month of a rental upgrade - so if you get three movies at once, now you get four for a month, and after that month, you have to notify them that you don't want the upgrade. i hate when you have to do that, but okay.

that seems like a nice little pot o'gold for customes that have been "duped".

that is, until you find out that the lawyers who tried the case against netflix won $2.5 million.

what????

okay, that's completely unacceptable and clearly indicative of how manipulative this culture and society has been made by lawyers who seek their own profit rather than finding the common good and fairness. it's capitalizing, not capitalism.

so let's get those jackasses.

check out netflixsettlementsucks.com and if you wish to join in on the formal objection to this, please do so.

how there has to be a lawsuit coming

i don't know how trey parker and matt stone do it. they rip paris hilton and others so brutally that you would have to think that the "south park" and comedy central lawyers were contacted by other lawyers and threats were made. had to. i can't see any other way they get away with what they do - and god bless them.

anyway, they've been scot-free. but i have a feeling that's gonna change with this week's episode "trapped in the closet", which is about tom cruise and john travolta, who are...yeah, i don't have to complete that sentence.

and, to top it all off, it completely rips apart scientology purely by letting scientology rip itself apart.

then again, maybe they won't get sued. there might just be enough loopholes in the storytelling.

geniuses. they're geniuses.

godspeed, trey and matt, godspeed.

how to piss me off for five minutes minimum

in just five simple steps!

1. while waiting on line to order food, absolutely do not pay attention to the menu that's displayed right above you in clear view or to the long line standing behind you.

2. when you get to the cashier to order, take your dear sweet time deciding what you want, and also ask questions about particular items on the menu. this whole step should take up to three full minutes.

3. finally decide on an item. no wait! you want this one instead. and watch the cashier cancel the order with a new one. always fun for the next person on line.

4. stand there like an idiot as the cashier gives you the price, and then spend a good minute digging through your purse for your wallet.

5. give your credit card for a $5 purchase. if you're lucky, it won't go through the first time. then sign your full name in a perfect little script. maybe even dot your eyes with a smiley face.

yeah, trust me, that'll work.

it just did.

how T will show you the way

this amazing little company has developed a GPS system in which celebrity voices will give you directions.

i believe this is the single greatest invention of the century.

scene: you're driving down a road just west of philadelphia where the street signs are the size of dental floss. you're looking for maple, and you think you've passed elm and main, but you're not sure - your eyesight isn't 20/20, and it's dark out. so you turn on your navtones and enter "maple". and then clubber lang/bad attitude baracus tells you what to do.

my prediction: pain.

how to quick to accuse have to defend themselves

when john mccollom shot himself while listening to "suicide solution", the media and the religious right quickly blamed ozzy osbourne. i mean, it made perfect sense. he wanted his fans to kill themselves.

when the trenchcoat mafia did the unthinkable in columbine, the religious right blamed the killers' favorite band - marilyn manson. it's very obvious from the lyrics of "freak show" that he endorsed a massacre in a high school.

and god knows that rap music has been blamed for everything in the recent years, from pimping and killing for drugs and whoring out women (okay, actually, they might actually do those things, but it's not meant to be taken literally).

the religious right knows all this, because they've got a personal relationship with jesus and he's not happy about these influences. hey, it's the music's fault and not the fact that there are stupid and crazy people in the world.

quite simply, rather than blaming people, it's easier to accuse music and the musicians who put these evil thoughts in their head.

all of which makes me proud to report that recent killer du jour david ludwig, who shot the parents of his 14-year-old girlfriend in the head, was known to quote lyrics from a christian rock band. so if you followed the religious right's train of thought throughout the years, this boy is a cold-blooded murderer because jesus told him to do so.

sweet.

let's see them talk their way out of this one.

how a fool can only fool someone once

say i'm selling you a car.

i show you the car, open the hood, give you a quick rundown. you take it for a short test drive, and it runs well enough. i show you some paperwork about how it had some minor work done, some receipts, all the inspection notices, and it meets to your approval. you purchase the car as is, without a chance of returning it.

and it dies on you an hour later.

you then return to me and complain that i sold you a lemon. but i tell you that i didn't, that you saw all my paperwork and how was i supposed to know that the car was a lemon? everything pointed to it being a solidly working vehicle. and it's true. it does.

privately you fume, because you saw everything i showed you, and it all made sense. dumb luck, i guess.

you take the car into a shop to get it fixed, and the mechanic recognizes it, and begins to tell you about all the major work that was done to it, and how he never would have bought this piece of crap. you ask him if you're sure. he says hell yeah, this car had no business being on the road. you ask to see the paperwork - and there it is, all the information you wish you had when you bought it, all conveniently withheld.

so you confront me with all this paperwork that i had but didn't show you, and instead of owning up to it, i lie and say that you had all the information in my possession, and that there was unmistakeable evidence that the car was in solid working condition, and that your decision was yours to make.

but with this mountain of receipts from the mechanic, you prove that i withheld all the other paperwork about how it shouldn't be on the road and that i only showed you the information that supported my theory that the car was working.

i tell you that you had no qualms before, and that's what counts.

which clearly means that you spoke the truth then, and you're speaking politics now.

and that, my friends, is the whole bush defense against his enemies over the justification over the iraq war. bravo, lemon car salesman. bravo.

how i would love to see this in court

the people of kazakhstan v. borat.

considering that, according to borat, the country's hobbies include "disco dancing, archery, rape and table tennis", i think this could very well be sasha baron cohen's finest moment.

how to make me laugh

like i said before, whenever i hear something i think is funny on the telly, i'm gonna post it under a heading that says "how to make me laugh". that's the way i'm gonna roll for now on. you best believin'.

and now, for our second installment:

on "late night with conan o'brien", he mentioned during his monologue that the big christmas tree finally arrived to rockefeller center directly from new jersey. but before they can decorate it, they're gonna have to remove its giant track suit.

also on "conan", he mentioned that michael jackson said that he would like to live in the middle east one day, so take that, terrorists.

conan is funny.

how do they know what the dead are thinking

i read online today that WWE great eddie guerrero passed away this weekend in his hotel room. he was 38.

now, whatever your thoughts are about professional wrestlers, you have to admit that what they do is entertainment - much like movie stars or singers or athletes - and when a star falls, it's pretty big news. eddie guerrero was a star. it's big news. msnbc thought so.

he was great. and there aren't many pro wrestlers around you can say that about now.

anyway, WWE head honcho vince mcmahon held a press conference, where he said, "it will be tough to get over, but eddie would want the show to go on, and that's what we're going to try to do tonight."

here's my question: how does he know eddie would want the show to go on? was it written somewhere? did he mention it to his nephew over denny's one morning? why is that assumed? was it his last words? if it were, would you believe he really meant it? i mean, he's probably not thinking right at that moment.

or is the idea to find a bit of normalcy in this, to just keep things status quo? but it's not status quo. mcmcahon said that tonight's raw and smackdown will both be dedicated to eddie guerrero and that "you'll see the human beings, not so much as performers, but friends of eddie," the shows will include highlights of eddie's career. so it wouldn't be anything like the shows that normally air - so not the status qup.

oh. so he would want the show to go on, but not the show that he was expecting, but another show, one that praises him and causes everyone to cry? sure about that?

okay, i'm being a dick. but i just hate it when people assume what others are thinking, especially when the others are dead, and then act on it like it's all the justification they need. i'm sure the show will be very classy and if i watch it, i'm sure i will get teary eyed. and i'm sure it will be a fitting tribute worthy of the fallen star.

but don't say it's what he wanted. you don't know.

then again, vince mcmahon wanted the show to go on when one of his performers, owen hart, fell from the rafters and died in the middle of the ring during a pay-per-view.

just sayin'.

how fox again refuses to acknowledge good taste

from defamer.com:

Fox may not be killing Arrested Development, but it’s stabbing it in the gut, rolling it out of the passenger side door, and leaving it for dead by the side of the road. Variety reports that Fox is pulling the show from the schedule during sweeps (along with Kitchen Confidential, but we doubt its fans will be sending any foam Hail Marys to save it), and has reduced its order from 22 to 13 episodes.

i mean, why not? getting it off the air makes perfect sense. the show has only won a trainload of emmys.

well, if it's gotta be, it's gotta be. for some odd reason, people aren't watching it enough to warrant its space on the network and the high advertising rates. but it's only to be replaced by some slop that wouldn't bring in any more than what AD carries. i can't believe there isn't a space in fox's lineup where the show's built-in audience would topple whatever's playing there at the time. i mean, this is the network of "stacked".

call me a fan, sure, and maybe i'm deluding myself that part of what is entertainment is putting shows on the air that, well, entertain. but that's a delusion; movie companies and television networks care more about advertising rates than artistic integrity. so this is just one small man looking for a reason to keep its brilliance on the air. it's so difficult to have genius writing, directing and acting at the same time, week after week. there's so few of them that earn my attention.

but then again, i'm just hoping HBO or showtime realizes how retarted fox is and picks up the show. and make fox look retarted. did i just say that it would make fox look retarted? i should, because it would.

you know, make fox look retarted.

again.

how to procrastinate

i am completely unfocused right now - which is ironic, because i just did bikram yoga this morning and it's supposed to help you concentrate.

so here's a posting full of nonsense.

the penultimate scene in this week's "arrested development", where george michael flies in on a jetpak near tobias who is dressed like a godzilla-like mole as he accidentally destroys a tiny town in front of japanese investors, was one of the funniest things i have ever seen - and i've watched it three times already. hell, it was funny just to write it. if you're not on board with the show, you really need to be. they just released season #2. catch up.

if you didn't vote yesterday, you're still allowed to complain about the country, but you need to understand that since you did nothing about it when it mattered, your arguments hold less weight than someone who did. like me.

it's taken over a year for the good meaning people of the great state of california to realize that electing a bodybuilder/ action hero as governor might have been a bad idea. which reminds me of a great t-shirt i saw that read "don't blame me. i voted for gary coleman". i voted for the porn star.

okay, i didn't vote for her. but at least i made it to the polls that day.

the new rolling stones album is seriously good. it's more bluesy than what they've done recently - and that's a great thing. and it's a far departure from "bridges to babylon", which i also enjoyed but felt more like a dust brothers produced album than something from mick, keith, ron and charlie. this sounds more like "sticky fingers", which i think is their best (and not "exile on main street", which is universally acclaimed as their "abbey road"). but i digress.

now that the heavyweight champion of the world has retired from boxing with a torn ACL, can i claim that i am tougher than him? i mean, i only retired from competitive basketball after my first ACL. i still played - badly and whitely. i didn't retire for good after ACL #2. i don't think i'll see vitali klitschko boxing for fun anytime soon. so yeah, i am tougher. that's how i roll.

john stewart said that "terrell owens was suspended from the philadelphia eagles basically for being a dick." who said there's no truth and humor in blunt honesty?

how there's no crying or intelligence in baseball

rafael palmeiro finally gave his side of the steroid story today, only 100+ days after promising it, and still not owning up to anything and giving a rather implausible excuse about how it might have been in a vitamin B-12 shot even though that has been disproven. again.

idiot.

and that comes on the heels of the baseball writers awarding the cy young award to bartolo colon. mind you, the cy young award goes to the best pitcher in the american league. so colon got it, even though he ranked 8th in ERA, 7th in innings, 3rd in WHiP, 8th in strikeouts and 10th in complete games.

whereas johan santana ranked 2nd in ERA, 1st in WHiP, 2nd in innings and 1st in strikeouts, among others.

so who is clearly the better pitcher?

well, bartolo colon had 22 wins, while santana had only 16. so colon is therefore better.

what?

the reason colon had 6 more wins than santana was not based upon his pitching; rather, his bullpen never blew a save in any of his games, and his offense garned 6 runs a game for him. don't believe me? here's some more from baseballprospectus.com:

Colon got 6.02 runs per game of support, a figure that was seventh in the league among ERA qualifiers. Santana got 4.70 runs per game, 30th in the league. That's 1.32 runs per game of support--stuff the pitcher has no control over, that's effectively the luck of the draw--that went Colon's way rather than Santana's. That's why Colon won the Cy Young Award, and why Santana finished third: because in 2005, the voting pool for the award can't see past the "W" column to look at the actual pitching.

so they gave an award for the best pitcher in the league not based on pitching but on support and offense. smart thinking there.

and i haven't even broached that mariano rivera actually deserved to win.

idiots.

plus, on top of all that, since the comissioner's office and the player's union failed to come together with a steroid plan by the end of the world series as promised, congress has quickly put together a bill to suspend steroid abusers a half year for their first offense, a year for their second and a lifetime ban for the third. good job again, baseball.

a whole damn bunch of idiots.

how to become a laughingstock of an entire nation

congrats, kansas. you are now a state that arkansas can make fun of.

that's what i call intelligent design.

how on earth is this moron famous?

"My prediction is that y'all gonna hate on the style we create, straight 2008."
-- Kevin Federline on his upcoming rap album

how media overkill needs to be mocked

you know how the media jumps on a story and then pounds it to death, non-stop, until it almost becomes a parody of itself.

anyways, here's a link to higlights of a buffalo broadcast of the pats-bills game where tedy bruschi made his triumphant return from a stroke.

it's incredibly funny.

how busey and nolte are funny

while riding the N-Judah this morning, i sat across from two men: one who looked like gary busey and another who looked like nick nolte. i'm not saying spitting images, but enough where i thought, "hey, that guy looks like..." and i did that twice.

busey and nolte. nolte and busey. i made a short film about how messed up those two are, and incidentally, how much they look alike.



can you tell the difference? me neither. does it matter? should we care?

about these two normal folk on the train, however, they were not friends, and they were not together. they just were spitting images of them.

aaaanyway, they both got off at the civic center station.

for those not in the know, people who get off at the civic center usually are:
1. working for the government.
2. attending a concert.
3. scoring some drugs.
4. selling some drugs.
5. going to rehab.

they weren't dressed for work, and it was waaaaay too early for a concert.

which means...

okay, i'm not making fun of them. people get themselves into those conditions. i just think it's very funny that they look like gary busey and nick nolte, and they're the way they are.

sometimes, the world does this for me, and i smile.

how to plan a mutiny

i don't know if any of you have noticed it, but there seems to be this e-mail advertising thing that's set up that sends a comment to my post whenever i write one. they usually begin with "hey, great blog!" and then it goes on to talk about how their blog is about condo rentals in san diego or penis enlargement or something that has nothing to do what i've written.

it's an automatic reply. and it's annoying.

so it's time to do something about it.

over the next week or so, i will write quite possibly the most offensive post i've ever written - and may have ever been written. it will be vile and disgusting and morally repulsive. it will make anyone who reads it scream with hatred and disgust.

i just want to write about something so completely abhorrent and have a comment that says "hey! i agree with you! great blog! you should check out mine about aluminum siding!"

and i will laugh.

sat tuned for the venom.

how to get a raise

by terrell owens, wide receiver, philadelphia eagles.

1. sign a contract that you feel is undervalued.
2. complain about it.
3. threaten to hold out of training camp.
4. call out your quarterback, who happens to be the franchise's cornerstone.
5. show up at training camp, but then get suspended for a week.
6. be a general nuisance in your dressing room.
7. complain about an injury that might keep you out for a couple of weeks, but then practice the next day.
8. complain about your employer in an interview by selfishly bitching about not being recognized for an individual achievement, and throw your injured-but-valiant quarterback under a bus for good measure.
9. get into a fight with the team's ambassador.
10. call out the rest of the team, including the quarterback.
11. issue a lame public apology but not for the quarterback.
12. get suspended for the season, forfeiting four weeks pay.
13. reinforce your reputation as the worst teammate in the history of organized sports.

yes, that should work.

how it's simple to find the causes of a nationwide stupidity

i'm about as open-minded as it comes, and i think that helps me be as knowledgeable as i possibly can. and i believe strongly that everyone should force themselves to see both sides of a issue in order to truly know how to judge it.

but seriously, if one side is complete bullshit and cockamamie, is it worth even considering? wouldn't that be a waste of time?

isn't that the last thing we should be wasting in our schools?

shouldn't time be spent studying things that can be proven?

what i'm saying is that it's not the theory of intelligent design that pisses me off. hell, people can delude themselves however they see fit. but don't waste time in our schools teaching unproveable heebie-jeebies unless there's a course called "unproveable heebie-jeebies". otherwise, it's a waste of time.

the scariest thing about that article is that "six of the 10 board members have previously endorsed language sought by advocates of intelligent design, a theory that says the universe is so complex it must have been created by a higher force", despite the tons of evidence - and i mean tons - for evolution and the complete lack of evidence towards "intelligent design", like "who created the creator?"

so the people charged with educating need their own educating. i weep for kansas.

but why stop there? here's some other things that should also be taught:

- rain is actually god crying.

- night happens when god turns out the lights.

- kansas is flat because god hates tits.

- electricity is made when god walks and drags his socked feet over a carpet.

- sneezes are god's way of pulling a practical joke.

why not believe that? it's just as plausible as anything else the religious right will have you believe.

how to offend two groups of people with one t-shirt

i bought this shirt because it's true.

how to make quick and easy NBA predictions

here's some thoughts about this year's NBA season:

- they're only playing out this season to see if tim duncan gets hurt. if he don't, the spurs are gonna win this easily. if he does, all bets are off.

- the milwaukee bucks are gonna be damn good, and everyone's gonna fall in love with t.j. ford again. that guy can run the point. he's the next jason kidd, but different.

- ron artest ain't gonna keep it together.

- rabid fans will urge that david stern install and enforce a dress code on craig sager.

- this might be a long year for the knicks, but it would be for the better. stephon marbury is not a point guard, but he might make a great two-guard. nobody gets to the hoop like he does, and obviously there's great value in that. jamal crawford, for all his wonderful gifts, doesn't add anything. under larry brown, he should be nothing more than a spot-up shooter. eddy curry's gonna be fun to watch. anyways, they're all gonna learn how to play the right way, and additions will be made, and by the end of this year, they're gonna be fun to watch. but right now, it's painful. they're not playing; they're thinking. and that's not easy on the eyes.

how the mighty have fallen hard

i'm watching "romancing the stone", and kathleen turner was smoking - and that's not even taking into consideration her voice. oh man, she was amazing.

that would be her apex, as that naive romance novelist who smoldered onscreen with michael douglas (and made all of us jealous of him).

and i'm not saying that we'll forget about those days; i'm ust saying it's a long hard fall from being joan wilder.

how to make an big empty statement

i think i saw the best accordion player ever, and his name is corn mo.

he was great. he played songs about sandwiches and about his friend who got peed on in sixth grade. yeah, doesn't sound so great now as i type it, but he put on a great show full of realy funny ramblings and completely odd songs. he puts on a great one-man show, worth a trip if he ever comes your way. i'm glad i had the opportunity.

and, most importantly, he was a perfect opener for they might be giants, who completely rocked.

it was a really strange crowd - i mean, there were there to see they might be giants, who are just strange to begin with - but it was still kinda cool (i think) to enjoy them with a crowd full of people who don't get out much (and that's probably for the best).

you know, nerds watching nerds, which i guess, in turn, makes me a...

whatevs.

on a quick side note: this morning, i watched a piece of "revenge of the nerds iv: nerds in love". it was complete dreck that really couldn't get any worse. they really should have stopped right after #2 and the genius hotel coral essex scene.

but i digress. back to the nerds at hand.

anyways, they might be giants are known mostly for their song "boss of me" which is the opening theme song to "malcolm in the middle". but in my world, they're known for their really cool insightful lyrics - like these:

from "ana ng":
When I was driving once I saw this painted on a bridge:
I don’t want the world, I just want your half
They don’t need me here, and I know you’re there
Where the world goes by like the humid air
And it sticks like a broken record
Everything sticks like a broken record
Everything sticks until it goes away
And the truth is, we don’t know anything

and from "the end of the tour":
At the end of the tour
When the road disappears
If there's any more people around
When the tour runs aground
And if you're still around
Then we'll meet at the end of the tour
The engagements are booked through the end of the world
So we'll meet at the end of the tour

okay, so this posting was just an excuse to copy-and-paste these lyrics here. so sue me.

how it doesn't get any weirder

than mike tyson and bobby brown singing "monster mash" on jimmy kimmel's halloween show.

how websites can be really cool

the team at akqa finally finished the website i was working on for "project gotham racing 3" (an xbox game) during my freelance gig there.

you can find it at projectgothamracing3.com. buckle up and take it for a spin.

you're probably gonna have to install flash 8 and, to be honest, this website ideally works great on a fast computer. then again, why wouldn't it? it's a racing game. but once you get that all figured out, start the engine and don't look back.

i think it's damn cool.

but then again, it's my baby.

and we all think our babies are cool.

how the oldest profession on earth has grown

san francisco is gay enough without halloween. with halloween, this city is positively ecstatic, and i find it completely hysterical. the castro is the mecca of comedy. i mean, anywhere else in the world, a restaurant called "the sausage factory" isn't funny. so yeah, it's funny.

the costumes were completely out of control.

what else is funny is that i would be surprised that the oldest profession in the world had taken all forms, and today, i saw them all. i'm talking devil prostitutes, clown prostitutes, nurse prostitutes, mummy prostitutes, pirate prostitutes - you name the costume, there's a woman in this city wearing it prostitute style. i saw a bee prostitute walking into the safeway today. i didn't know there were bee prostitutes, but yeah, come to think of it, why not? there must be a market for horny and desperate bees paying for pollination.

seriously. this city has been invaded by really hot women wearing costumes of different types of prostitutes. i'm talking butterfly prostitutes, cowardly lion prostitutes, schoolgirl prostitutes, etc. they're giving new meaning to "trick or treat".

i'm thinking the former.

or they could just be wearing these slutty costumes in a vain effort to beg for attention.

either way, i'm down with it.

how to write with sarcasm

an open letter to governor arnold schwartzenegger and the higher-ups at sf muni (our beloved transportation system):

i just wanted to take this moment to state unequivicably how much i love the new reduced changes in service.

i love waiting longer for trains. really, i do. it is my belief that we san franciscans do not spend enough time outside in the near-perfect weather, and with the increased waiting time for trains, it's a breath of fresh air for my lungs - literally and metaphorically. plus, the extra ten to fifteen minutes i spend waiting can be easily used for soul-searching and for finding cures to the world's problems. clearly, a lot can be done while waiting longer for the train. and the now-standard wait of 20-25 minutes allows us not to take muni for granted, much like how we did when we only had to wait 5-10 minutes.

and when the train eventually does show up, i must admit that i do love standing as close as humanly possible to the person next to me in the now trademarked "as-crowded-as-possible" setting. i love being able to hear their whistling song of inhaling and exhaling and to smell their aromas - especially after a hard-day's work, or when they're on their way to a commune in the park. i can't help but feel that it brings me closer to mankind as a whole, to experience these different senses, and this would never have been possible had there been more trains to carry these passengers and therefore a place for me to sit. besides, by standing, i burn calories. my doctor will be thrilled to hear that!

so you can clearly see how much i love the new reduced service - but increased benefits. more time outside, more time to think, getting closer to my brethren and burning calories while standing - who says muni isn't concerned for my general welfare?

and to anyone who complains about reducing in service while raising the prices, i say don't listen to them. they're only silly people who have somewhere to go.

sincerely,
your biggest fan ever.

how to offer a perfect tribute

to wellington mara, from his beloved team:

shutout the hated redskins. give up just seven first downs. allow only 125 total yards. cause ten turnovers.

score 36 points. pile up 386 yards of total offense. control the ball for 39:21.

and for a personal tribute by those who loved him most:

a gritty ten yard touchdown catch. run for a career-best 206 yards with a touchdown. and continually pressure the quarterback all day long, and eventually getting a sack out of it.

bravo, big blue.

how to make me laugh

whenever i hear something i think is funny on the telly, i'm gonna post it under a heading that says "how to make me laugh". that's the way i'm gonna roll for now on. you best believin'.

and now, for our first installment:

"66% of americans recently polled believe that president bush is doing a poor job on the war in iraq. the other 34% believe adam and eve rode to church on dinosaurs."
- tina fey, "saturday night live"

how you can't deny the accusation

oil companies have reported a record-breaking spike in profits at a time when prices are at a record-breaking high - insanely high - especially after hurricane katrina and the war in iraq.

so, i ask, is this capitalism or is it just capitalizing?

how little class and tact there is

cbs just announced that a miniseries called "category 7: the end of the world" will be premiering on november 6.

are they friggin kidding?

i just counted. it's only been 69 days from when katrina hit new orleans.

i think it might be a touch too early to capitalize on it and to make money on it. then again, i might not be the best person to comment on this, considering that i have both a heart and a soul.

now, i know it's not exactly about katrina (but i'm sure michael bay's team is working on that script right now) and i know that they started filming before the tragedy, but that doesn't give them any reason to actually air it - especially just 69 days after something so devastating in this country. i would say that it comes across as tasteless, but we're talking about television networks, so that word wouldn't really bother them.

look, i'm not claiming that i know exactly how long it should be. i just don't believe now is the right time. it reeks of capitalizing.

you do know this conversation was discussed by cbs executives.

- "well, to bring up the 'category 7' discussion, well, you do know it's only been 69 days since..."

- "yes, but i've done some research, and 65 days has been decided to be the optimal length of recovery time for viewers. we are waiting 69 days. that's four more days of healing."

- "i see, yes, and 65 days, where did that number come from?'

- "we had a focus group in utah and that's what they came up with. 65 days. it's our corporate standard. utahans don't lie. they loved 'everybody loves raymond'."

- "didn't everybody love 'everbody loves raymond'?"

- "the utahans did first. therefore, the corporate standard. 65 days. 65."

- "i see, yes, cbs' corporate standard, yes."

- "we are doing four more than the corporate standard. we go the extra mile."

- "i see, yes, but why not wait an extra couple of weeks, you know, to be just that sure."

- "i don't want to disrupt any CSI programming. now that would be a tragedy."

corporate laughter follows.

- "what about hurricane wilma?"

- "i didn't hear you."

- "i said, what about hurr..."

- "i said, i didn't hear you."

more corporate laughter.

how to simply put it

i like bill maher. i might not agree with him all the time, but he's incredibly well read and research, and everything he says has a foundation of thinking behind it - which really puts him into rare air in the world of talking heads - and that makes him well worth watching.

anyways, he had a show last week about the upcoming indictments of scooter libby, karl rove, dick cheney and eventually george w. bush, and how the republicans are calling this a "witch hunt", even though they did the same thing to bill clinton during his impeachment process. it's all hypocritical. all these politicians are completely blind to america.

the medium-sized explanation of the whole thing is that these indictments (and eventual impeachment charges) declare that the bush administration revealed the identity of a CIA agent whose husband, a writer for the new york times, was about to reveal that the claims of wmd's in iraq were fabricated to justify a war. so the administration put his wife in peril in a proactive response to the truth about an unnecessary war, which has since claimed 2000 american lives.

clinton, on the flip side, got a blowjob - and he also had monica lewinsky in the room while holding high-level security talks, which was a stupid thing to do.

to put it simply, however, maher said that bush, cheney, rove and libby are going to be impeached for leaking the name of a cia agent. clinton was impeached for leaking on a fat jewish girls' dress.

funny.

how to honor a legend

in the haste of being attacked by the grobanites, i failed to write anything about the death of wellington mara, the owner of my beloved new york giants and one of the main reasons why the NFL is what it is today.

obviously, i didn't know the man. but every giants fan knew him, truly knew him, as our surrogate grandfather, our surrogate father, our surrogate brother. he loomed over the meadowlands every sunday, and just seeing the overwhelming emotions of tiki barber, jeremy shockey and michael strahan, all 60 years his junior, all saddened by the news of his passing, speaks volumes.

anyways, i read this article, written by someone who knew him, and it got to me a little.

then i read this compilation of quotes from influential football players, coaches and executives about him, and nothing tells the true measure of a man than this, from lawrence taylor: "mr. mara was the greatest thing that ever happened to the new york giants. personally, he always treated me fairly. he was always there to help me, even when i wasn’t willing to help myself."

god bless, mr. mara. go big blue.

how to become a michigan football fan

have your cousin sign a national letter-of-intent to play for them.

congrats, john.

from the staten island advance or newsday.

go maize and blue.

how not to shock the masses

a wnba player recently admitted that she's gay.

also in the news: alcoholics admit they like alcohol.

how grobanites need a serious dose of reality

first off, i would like to thank each and every grobanite who took the time to read my blog and then comment on it (read post below). i respect all of your opinions, and respecting my opinion means i should respect yours.

having said that, you are all out of your minds.

i never said that josh groban had a bad voice. reread my post. in fact, he's got a fantastic voice. he's a great vocalist. but instead of singing the song, he decided instead to show off his voice. and whenever a vocalist makes that decision, it results in them crapping the bed.

the best version of the star-spangled banner that i ever heard was whitney houston's version, right before super bowl xxv in 1991, mainly because she sang that song exactly how it was meant to be sang. you see, that's the beauty of it. it's arranged in a certain way for words to be accentuated, for emotions to be felt and, most importantly, for the whole song to be sold as genuine. and by singing it the way it was meant to be sung, she blew everyone away.

which is ironic, because she has made a career of showing off her voice rather than singing a song.

you see, there are vocalists and there are singers. you might not think there's a difference, but there is. the best way to explain it is with the song "i will always love you", sung by both dolly parton (who wrote it) and, again, by whitney houston.

when you hear dolly's version, you hear the desperation and the loneliness and the hurt of the words. the lyrics dictate how dolly sang it. there's genuine pain in the words and thoughts and in how dolly used her voice to sell that. granted, she wrote the song, but the template was made for future singers. she sang the shit out of it. you completely feel every nuance.

whitney's version, however, is completely devoid of pain or any sort of emotions. her voice does give you goosebumps, i agree, but that's not the point: she used the lyrics to show off her voice to the extreme where the emphasis of the song was completely lost. but that's okay for whitney; the song wasn't what she wanted to show off anyways. you see, using the musical arrangement of that song behind her, she could have read the words to the declaration of independence or the back of a cereal box and her vocalization wouldn't have changed. the lyrics were incidental. she used the song to vocalize. she used the song to show-off. the song was irrelevant.

huge difference between the two versions. listen to them both and tell me that i'm wrong. you can't.

and that's exactly what i felt about josh groban's performance, or anyone's performance when they change the singing of the star spangled banner for the mere purpose of showing off their voice. it cheapens the song, and it's never ever better.

and, most importantly, it always ends up with the vocalist crapping the bed in front of an entire nation and with a crowd full of people rolling their eyes and saying "what is this asshole doing?" but that's okay. they've all got loyal fans who will continue to buy their brand of vocalizations. and that's their right. more power to them.

kudos to all you out there for supporting him. that's admirable.

but a bed has been crapped upon.

he crapped the bed.

america's bed.

now with his crap on it.

so that's my point: a singer is able to adapt their voice to the song. a vocalist just does their thing, no matter what is warranted. he vocalized the song, and an injustice was done to it. and that's a shame.

if you think that he sang the best performance of that version of the national anthem, then go for it. i agree with you, and i would rather not hear that version ever again.

but let's be real here: it's safe to say that you also believe that if josh groban pitched for the astros, he would have pitched a no-hitter. or that if josh groban did the play-by-play, he would have predicted everything right before it happened.

so everything i've read has been taken with a mountain of salt.

i'm sure that i've now pissed you all off more. so be it. can't say i've been trembling much. then again, i've also now probably pissed off the "friends of whitney houston" group. that actually scares me more. she's craaaazy.

so, to recap and to respond to your thoughtful comments:

- yes, i would have done a better job at singing the national anthem, mostly because i would have sung the national anthem. and this is coming from someone with a horrible voice.

- i have a huge appreciation in music, mostly because it's part of my job to work with music and work with composers in coming up with original songs or adaptions of old songs. yeah, i know what i'm talking about. and i understand why some things should be left alone. i understand updating things to make them better. but there has to be a reason for it, other than showing off.

- he crapped the bed.

- you all obviously like the way that smells.

how josh groban should be flogged and/or destroyed

i believe fully in flogging and/or destroying any performer who believes that their talent allows them to change the singing of the national anthem. although this country is built on free speech, and the right to sing a song however you choose, i feel that it's completely disrespectful to crap on "the star spangled banner" with some "special version" of it, and, let's be honest, it's never a change for the better. in fact, it's purely making changes just for changes sake. the song was written and composed that way for a reason. so sing it like that.

i feel that we need to sacrifice a performer to get my point across.

and with josh groban butchering "the star spangled banner" before game 1 of the world series by changing its tempo and inflections, i see that we have our first scapegoat.

thank you, josh. you will not be missed.

how you should never trust the drunkards

it has come to my attention that an inebriated male assumed my identity and sent out e-mails to some of you, and also posted on my blog early saturday morning, around 3:30 am.

had i been aware of this unprovoked attack on good writing and spelling, i would have taken every means possible to have prevented it. but this writer was incapacitated.

i assure you that measures will be taken to keep this from happening again.

i am ashamed for all of us.

how to type a drunk e0mail

this is me after my friend billy's going-away party ashemoves to australia..

i am drunk and with the hivccups.


i can barely stand much less type.


i refuse to edit check.

i had a good time tonight,

good times were had,

imwrote "billy, don;t put the blow in bloke" on the poster. if ound that funny.

wha t is wrong with nme?

how to make those three hours tolerable

random thoughts from jury selection, which lasts every day from 1:30 to 4:30:

1. if someone really wants to be excused from a jury, they will go to all ends to do it. they will say anything. they will admit to anything. and i'm not talking about the bullshit racist comments. there've been none of those. i'm talking ridiculous statements and rationalizations.

2. busy female lawyers don't dress well. in fact, i hold their outfits in contempt.

3. when the judge needs to call some more prospective jurors from the jury pool, everyone in the audience makes themselves as small as possible - even though their names are pulled from a random list. for reference, their reaction is the exact opposite than the audience from "the price is right".

4. stupid people put themselves into stupid situations where stupid things happen to them. it's amazing to see how bad things happen to people when they do nothing to stop them from happening - or are always open for them. san francisco is "jerry springer" but the trailers are victorians. by the way, i'm just talking about the prospective jurors. i can't wait for the accused's story.

5. there are a lot of gay people in san francisco and i'm actually shocked by it. i know it's their mecca, but i'm blown away at how many there are in a random selection. and by "blown away", i'm using that term metaphorically.

6. i can see why judge judy has a temper.

how to have a heart to heart, writer to writer

transcript of my meeting "the sports guy" bill simmons, author and rabid red sox fan, at his book signing in san francisco:

STEVE: "hey bill, nice to meet you".

BILL: "nice to meet you, too".

steve hands bill two books for him to sign. bill opens up one of them. he prepares to write, but steve's voice stops him.

STEVE: "it would really mean a lot to me and my brother if you just wrote 'page 168. number 13'. thanks."

BILL: "why? was is it?"

STEVE: "you don't want to know."

bill begins flipping through the book towards page 168.

BILL: "i need to know. i'm a writer. i need to know what i'm writing."

STEVE: "i'm also a writer, and trust me, you don't need to know."

bill reaches page 168 and reads #13 out loud.

BILL: (clearing his throat) "three pitches later: mookie slaps a grounder to first base...it rolls between buckner's legs and into rightfield...knight scores from second. mets 6, red sox 5. there are no words."

bill closes the book and looks at me.

BILL: "mets fan, huh?"

STEVE: "long suffering."

BILL: "i know how you feel."

bill scribbles something in the book and shows it to me. it reads "dear steve. there are no words. bill simmons."

steve nods his head in agreement.

STEVE: "could you do that for my brother too?"

how i had a suspicious mind

at the end of my daily run yesterday morning in golden gate park, i passed by a short and aging elvis impersonator in full regalia. i got the impression that he was out for a stroll.

just wanted to share that with you.

how there's massive, and then there's massive

i've seen a lot of massive home runs. i remember butch huskey hitting a bomb in the upper deck of veteran's stadium. i've seen mike piazza unloading and making the ball scream for mercy. i've seen balls dent scoreboards, i've seen balls find another orbit, and i've seen balls that seem like they'd never come back down. i've seen roy hobbs hit a ball so hard that the stitching came out.

hell, i live where barry bonds plays.

massive shots. all of them.

but i don't think i'll ever see as massive of a home run as the one albert pujols hit last night. and i'm not just talking distance (it had to go at least 450), but being down to your last strike with the season on the line and hitting this bomb that puts you up by one and into game six of the LCS.

massive, literally and metaphorically.

that massive.

how words need to be chosen wisely

while on my run in the park on saturday, i passed by a tented area which was a fundraiser for the "intimate partner violence awareness" group.

intimate partner violence awareness.

that's a strange coupling of words, huh? i had to think about them, put them together and then understand what it meant. okay, that took me all of three or four seconds, but it's not an obvious read at all.

and especially for such a good cause, that's not a good thing. seems like a catch-all to me.

in my mind, what would have worked better was "don't smack your bitch up weekend".

how there is an east coast bias

last year, the entire country galvanized behind the boston red sox as they marched their way towards their first world series championship since 1908. if you weren't wearing pinstripes or cardinal red, you were a red sox fan for the month of october, and it was a good feeling, a better story, an fantastic fairy tale.

this year, the chicago white sox are systematically crushing their way towards their first world series championship since 1917, and nobody can give two shits.

does an eight-year difference in droughts mean so much? or a different sock colorization?

you don't see anyone wearing white sox hats. you don't hear anyone rhapsodizing about konerko or podsednik or buerhle. you don't see women coming out of the wood work and claiming allegiance to a team they know nothing about.

there's not even much ado on the networks about it.

it's the same story, but different coverage.

sumthin' smells fishy.

how i'm no longer giving the benefit of the doubt

i would always argue with my clients over not talking down to their audiences, that they're not stupid, that by talking to everyone you're talking to no one, and that audiences appreciate it more when you challenge them. that's what made "seinfeld" brilliant.

but movie companies and marketers still continue to treat people like idiots (then again, this country did re-elect bush). but, to be fair, it's incredibly insulting (like in big-budget summer blockbusters when movie companies put a "love story" in for "the women"), especially when they try to put demographics of people into neat little boxes.

but i don't believe in the practice of fitting everyone into a stereotype. in reality, it fits nobody.

but, you know what? i'm thinking about changing my stance on all this.

as i sat in the theater waiting for "the forty-year-old virgin", they played this trailer for this movie that's a blatant "brady bunch" ripoff - except not as clever. the crowd was rollicking, as if it were a farrelly brothers movie. i mean completely laughing hysterically, as if this were an amazing idea and that these jokes and gags were brand spanking new. i thought someone's head and guts were gonna explode.

did i mention that the crowd was full of adults?

so maybe i'm wrong about all this.

how losing can equal winning

i would love to say that yesterday's usc-notre dame football game was the best college football game i've ever seen. it probably was, but that qualifier would be that much more impressive if it came from someone who grew up with the sport. i will say it was one of the best football games i've ever seen, especially one that, by any standards, should have been a blowout. just some amazing heroics and effort. matt leinart is practically brady-like clutch. reggie bush is the new barry sanders. and brady quinn's got a bright future ahead of him. one of the top rivalries in sport just proved itself once more.

it's really startling what charlie wies has done with that team this year. of course, ty willingham did the same miracles with his first team in south bend. but this fighting irish team does look like one of the top teams in the country (shit, it was one bad bounce away from beating the best college football teams ever), and these aren't his players.

and with weis' former team, the patriots, losing to the broncos, dropping their record to 3-3, is it fair to say that there's more to the magic of charlie weis. he meant so much to the pats; he means so much to the irish. two teams that have his fingerprints on them lost this weekend, but we're just talking about the scores.

we're talking subtraction by subtraction and addition by addition.

we're talking about an irish renaissance.

i'm not a notre dame fan, but i think they make college football more interesting. and when you grew up without a team like i did, that's more than a little something to go on.

how small statements are made

i read this on baseballmusings.com (which is a great website) and thought it was so funny that it deserved repeating here.

Book it now: Angels closer Francisco Rodriguez will be card No. 666 in the 2006 edition of Topps Total baseball cards.
Topps officials acknowledge that the employee who assembles the company's card checklists is a Yankees fan who assigns the undesirable number to the pitcher or player on the team that knocks the Yankees out of the playoffs.

That's why Red Sox reliever Keith Foulke, who got the last out of the 2004 ALCS, was number 666 in 2005 Total, and why the Florida Marlins' Josh Beckett of Spring, who beat the Yankees in the 2003 World Series finale, was 666 in the 2004 set.

And that's why Rodriguez, who closed out the Angels' victory Sunday in Game 5 of the Division Series, will be 666 in next year's set. It's the safest sure thing in the world of cardboard — unless Yankees Fan goes with Ervin Santana, who pitched 5 1/3 innings in relief of injured starter Bartolo Colon.

i'm not really all that sure about their predictions. after all, considering that the honor goes to the player who's most responsible for dealing the yanks out of the playoffs, i would be shocked if #666 isn't assigned to a-rod.

how i'm not backing down from my stance

when i tell people what my favorite movies are, i may come across as some sort of a film snob - which should come as no surprise, because i am a film snob.

and although it doesn't crack my top 10, when i tell people how much i adore and revere "porky's", everyone gets the feeling that i'm putting them on.

but i'm not. i really think it's a great flick.

beyond the incredibly funny scenes - the shower, the mole, lassie, mike hunt, the whorehouse - all of which are among the hardest i've ever laughed, there's a certain earnestness to the whole thing, about what it's like to be a reckless teenager.

it's described as a teen sex comedy, but there's only one real sex scene, and that's played for comedy - wa, wa, wooooooooooooo! - but there's also these strong storylines based around redneck america and high school camaraderie. just because there's teens and it revolves around a strip joint doesn't necessarily make it a "teen sex romp", which are basically translucent. there's a lot of well done shit in here.

don't get me wrong; it ain't "sunset boulevard". but i really think that once you get past the unfair stigma of "teen sex romp", it's really a damn good movie. well written, well directed, well edited.

it's really well done.

and i'm sticking to it.

how wookies are americans too

i just read on cnn.com that the actor who played chewbacca in the star wars movies is about to become an american citizen.

why that news item deserves to be on cnn.com has not yet been determined, but that's not my point. unlike other actors who've played iconic characters, this photo is the first time i've ever seen him, in the flesh:


and in case you're wondering, the wookie is on the right.

how not to cover up a bad call

again, in the spirit of making yourself seem bulletproof, excuses have taken centerstage (and making things worse) than the smart way, of taking responsibility for a mistake.

last night, in the angles-white sox playoff game, angels pitcher kelvim escobar struck out sox hitter a.j. pierzinski on a pitch that may have been in the dirt. angels catcher josh paul caught it, umpire paul eddings rang him up and made the strike call, and everyone headed to the dugout - except for pierzinksi, who ran to first (a third strike has to be caught cleany, in case you don't know).

the umpires then called him safe at first.

now, whether it bounced or not the ball bounced is debatable and whether you get that right or not is human. it was the way the umpire changed his mind - or didn't let his call be known. nobody in that ballpark took his third-strike "mechanic" as anything other than "3rd out". that he got duped into changing his call is horrible.

it was a mistake - a fatal one, as three pitches later, he was driven home to win the game.

here's the problem: he made the call. he had no right to change it. and if that's not his "out" call, then there wasn't an out called in the whole game - or in the history of the game.

it was an out call, whether or not it was an out or not.

okay, it was a mistake. humans make mistakes.

but instead of taking responsibility, the umpires banded together and went off about how "the call was right" and that "he didn't call him out" and blah blah blah, when it's obvious that if pierzinksi didn't run, there would have been another inning to be played. and that if paul didn't think he caught the ball cleanly, he wouldn't have rolled it back to the mound before tagging him out. but with each excuse, it just sounds worse and worse and more incompetent.

this would have been nice: "although i originally called the batter out, i had a moment on indecision upon seeing pierzinski running to first base. upon further review, i should have stuck with my original call, but at that instant, i did not. i would like to apologize to the angels and their organization for my very human mistake." see, not so rough, huh?

instead, excuses, and making it worse.

bravo.

how hypocracy starts at the top

does anyone else find it scary that president bush is exactly the same person as the enemies he fights?

this is from his address to a joint session of congress and the american people:
"The terrorists practice a fringe form of Islamic extremism that has been rejected by Muslim scholars and the vast majority of Muslim clerics -- a fringe movement that perverts the peaceful teachings of Islam. The terrorists' directive commands them to kill Christians and Jews, to kill all Americans, and make no distinction among military and civilians, including women and children."

but then he goes ahead and practices a fringe form of catholic extremism that has been rejected by most god-fearing catholics in the country. and, worse yet, he makes political decisions, like picking harrier miers because of her faith, because even his god knows she isn't even remotely qualified. it wasn't a political decision; it was a religious and loyalty decision - the same logistics found in the enemy we're fighting.

and then there's this in his speech:
They hate our freedoms -- our freedom of religion, our freedom of speech, our freedom to vote and assemble and disagree with each other.

is he talking about us or them, because a lack of freedom is exactly what's been going on in this country. beyond the restriction of freedoms they instituted upon us through censorship and scare tactics, what's really scary is the lack of freedom of religions. take a good look; there's no real diversity in his cabinet. don't get me wrong; he's got minorities. but he only has devout cathoilcs. there aren't any jews or protestants or muslims. it's just catholics trying to force their way of life on us. that's no freedom of religion.

i had this insane music teacher in high school, a born-again christian, who taught us that if you played "stairway to heaven" backwards you can hear satanic messages. to be honest, it actually was a cool class in that he was teaching us crazytalk.

he's a born-again. so is our president. miers is a twice born-again (don't know how that works).

these people run our government, the same people who we're protecting ourselves against.

ironic, huh?

how there's multiple definitions for "postponed indefinitely"

i was called for jury duty a couple of weeks back. like it is everywhere, you're instructed to call the day before to see if you have to come down to fulfill your service.

i did. and the recording said, and i'm somewhat paraphrasing, "the jury you have been selected for has been indefinitely postponed. you will be contacted later with further instructions."

cool. i'm off jury duty.

so i get a letter from the superior court of california for a "notice--failure to appear" and told that i was supposed to report for jury duty as instructed and that failure to respond to this notice would result in legal action and may result in a fine/incarceration.

what?

so i called the number and told them what happened, and they told me that i was supposed to call every night.

i said, "hold on. the recording said that it was postponed indefinitely".

"yes, but you're supposed to call every day. it says so in red in your jury duty handbook."

"but the recording said it was postponed indefintely. postponed indefinitely means that it ain't happening until further notice."

"yes, but you were supposed to call back."

"so i was supposed to call every day, even though what i was calling for was postponed indefinitely."

"yes, and you were called in."

"for something that was postponed indefinitely."

"yes."

"why doesn't it just say 'please call back tomorrow'?"

"because it says that in red in your jury duty handbook."

wow.

"you do understand how stupid that sounds, right?"

she was very nice on the phone and told me that this happens a lot, the recording needs to change, and that all i need to do is go down and fill out some paperwork. no harm, no foul.

postponed indefinitely. who knew there was leeway?

how i am in a quandary

i need some help on this situation: is the fact that i have crappy wide receivers on my fantasy football team:
A. a tragedy
B. a calamity
C. a catastrophe
D. heartbreak
E. a disaster
F. all of the above

you know where i stand on this issue.

damn you derrick mason, tory williamson and bobby engram.

or damn their quarterbacks. or their offensive coordinators.

don't they know what they're doing to my fantasy season?

heartless jackasses.

how art should make you feel

my friend kathryn sent me this website. in short, people e-mail their deepest emotions and thoughts, and someone turns them into art (in the form of postcards). it's brutally touching - which is what art should do.

how reputations precede and prove themselves

ninth inning of the yanks-angels game. yanks down 2 runs.

coming up: jeter. a-rod. giambi.

or, rather:
jeter: the best postseason player ever, bar none.
a-rod: the biggest choker and least clutch player ever. bar none.
giambi: a damn good hitter.

those are their reputations (giambi also has the steroid thing, but that's another story).

my roommate brett and i came up with this scenario: jeter singles, a-rod hits into a double play, giambi then singles to keep the inning going.

and wouldn't you know it?

seriously, i think yankee fans would rather have stephen hawking holding a wiffleball bat in his mouth at the plate in a big situation than a-rod. unequivicably.

i'm not kidding about that.

how it's all on her record

everyone is up in arms about how, because she was never a judge, that supreme court nominee harriet miers has no record of any judgements.

i say p'shaw.

she recently stated that president george w. bush is "the most brilliant man she's ever met".

so there you go. it's on her record.

with acumen like that, she'd be perfect on the highest court in the land.

no, not that one she was nominated for, but the one with tommy chong, david crosby and the grateful dead.

how i don't understand me sometimes

i know i'm not the only person on the planet who hates it when someone decides that everyone around them is allowed to be privy to their loud cellphone conversation. in fact, i wish rickets and scurvy on those people. i know my friend the croz hates them too.

anyways, i'm on the 1-california headed west, and a chinese woman gets on while continuing her conversation on her cellphone - except she's speaking in chinese. obviously.

and, for some odd reason, i was even more incensed than usual.

when i cooled off hours later, i figured it out that if i am to be annoyed by someone's conversation, they should at least have the common courtesy of annoying me in my language, so i could gauge if it's worth it (which it never is).

how stupid is that?

very.

croz, help me out on this.

how october means more

anyone who believes that baseball doesn't keep a strong fabric on our nation and our culture, well, they'll never get how someone like me can watch all 18 innings of the astros-braves game 4, how my stomach went up and down with each runner in scoring position, how to sit in awe as a 43-year-old pitcher threw three scoreless innings on two days rest, how just one mistake could mean everything, how one mistake did, and how i could get a little emotional for a game where i couldn't give two shits about either team playing.

and how my heart jumped as the astros players jumped at home plate waiting for their homerun hero run towards them.

and that's just one argument why october may be the best month in sports.

(although ask me that again in march).

how original "original joe's" really is

before the franz ferdinand concert at the bill graham auditorium last night, my buddy lawson and i ate some dinner and drank some beers at original joe's, a locally-famous eatery in the beautiful tenderloin area. and by beautiful, i mean downtrodden and decrepid. if you've ever watched "cops" filmed in san francisco, then you've seen the tenderloin.

and if you've ever smelled the scent emanating off a very old man, then you've got the feel of "original joe's".

the food is very large and damn good. it's guy food in a guy place - which shouldn't come as a surprise, considering there's nothing but guys and wheelchair-bound women in the place - like the loud table next to us, a group led by a boisterous man who looked like a fatter stacy keach. they debated non stop, using such talking points and evidence as "you're a pussy" and "fag!"

the decor is very "goodfellas", with poor leather seats and dim yellow lighting. all the waiters wear tuxedos for some reason.

after dinner, we sat at the bar. and these are the people we saw:

- a keyboardist playing background for a bunch of vocalists called "the uptown singers", which is odd, considering there is no uptown in san francisco. there's a downtown (the financial district) but nothing uptown - and if there was, it wouldn't really be anything to brag about.

- the lead guy of the uptown singers looked like hubie brown, circa when he coached the knicks in the 80s during his white 'fro days. this ain't what i'm referencing, but it's close enough.

his voice wasn't bad, very old-timey, like what you would hear off a 78 player that you have to wind up with a crank. he sang broadway tunes and asked everyone if they knew what musical it was from, and nobody had a guess. and why would they?

- the other singers, all in the their sixties, bringing their unique vocal stylings - but called up boy-girl-boy-girl. one guy with a beautiful operatic voice brought everyone down with "danny boy", but you got the feeling that's the only song he can sing. i, for one, would have like to have heard him tackle "99 problems" by jay-z. but that's just me.

- a drunk old man who sat next to us who ordered a sierra nevada, thanked the bartender upon recieiving it and then proceeded to pour sugar into his glass - for FIFTEEN CONTINUOUS SECONDS, forming a mountain of sugar on the bottom. oh yeah, he drank it.

- on our other side of us, a young blonde prostitute being "sweet talked" by her customer, a very hefty older man who looked like a dirtier and white-haired version of former allman brothers guitarist warren haynes.

that is, if warren haynes were sporting a white, ragged zz top beard.

- a bald man with thick black glasses and an exaggerated limp.

i know i have an overactive imagination, but seriously, all of this happened and all these people exist.

and thank god for that.

how things are gonna be better

i usually listen to howard stern during my morning runs. this is nothing new; for the past ten years, he's been beside my every step. and it's been difficult during my runs to not get angry and frustrated when you hear him complain about the labyrinthine measures of censorships placed upon him.

that's why his move (and my move) to sirius satellite in 45 days is a big deal.

and that's why i laughed my ass off during my run this morning.

sirius told howard that they were gonna run a test throughout the whole morning on his station. they wanted to put a morse code signal on it to check it out. howard had another idea.

beginning at 6:30 and running for four hours, howard had a procession of farters and queefers blow their talents for everyone to hear on satellite radio.

it's hysterical stuff, no matter how crass you might think it is.

yeah, it's gonna be a great ride.

how to do a catch-all

here's everything that doesn't fit in a posting.

1. i just watched a midas commercial featuring fred flintstone and barney rubble, except fred doesn't sound like fred. i don't know who fred sounds like, but it sure as hell ain't fred. which gets me off on another tangent: have you heard kermit the frog recently? well, you probably haven't, because he doesn't sound like kermit either. seriously, is it really that hard to find a fred flintstone or kermit the frog impersonator that sounds exactly like them? isn't that the one job where you really shouldn't take it "in another direction"? does this bother anyone else?

2. chien-meng wang is pitching tonight for the yankees. every time i hear his name, i automatically hear rodney dangerfield say "this place is restricted, wang, so don't tell them you're jewish". which makes me make this distinction: there are guys who can quote and get "caddyshack" references, and there are guys who just ain't guys.

3. really strong episodes of saturday night live, the office, curb your enthusiasm and arrested development this week - especially a.d. with their new character, a lawyer named bob loblaw, played by scott baio. best line: when the family had a typically insane consultation with him, jason bateman spoke up and said, "now i'm not gonna sit here and talk nonsense to bob loblaw." shit like that makes me jealous.

4. i don't think anyone can hit the astros in the playoffs. pettitte + clemens + oswalt * lidge = impossible to score upon.

5. i watched the rangers-flyers game in this new and improved sport called "hockey" or "hockie" (not sure which one, but it's played with sticks on ice), and i gotta say, the new rule changes made the game look pretty damn exciting for me. plenty of odd-numbered breaks and opportunities and, as my roommate brett noticed, a lot of teams scored five goals or more. that's a good thing.

6. there is no number six.

7. i know i may be a sap for saying this, but i really love the wheaties commercial about the slow-pitch softball game with the guy wearing a knee brace pops a homer over the right field wall to win the game - all while we hear the play-by-play of vin scully calling game 2 of the 1988 world series when a hobbled kirk gibson won the game by hitting his famously dramatic and improbable homer over the right field wall off dennis eckersely. it really gets to me - i remember where i was when i heard that call - and then when the guy pumps his fist rounding second - god, it's just perfectly done. thank you, whoever did it.

8. i am a sap. so sue me.

how scientology works in mysterious ways

for everyone who questioned my "sources" about someone's "preferences", i guess this is a good slap in my face. but c'mon, you don't really believe this now, do you? i always thought his character from "born on the fourth of july" had a better chance of making this happen.

i leave the conspiracy theories to your own devices.

from imdb.com:

Never mind the wedding, when's the kid coming? People magazine has broken the news that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are expecting their first child together. Cruise's publicist and sister, Lee Anne DeVette, related the news exclusively to the magazine that the couple was expecting, though she did not provide any further information regarding the baby's gender or due date. Lest you think this just a wacky story on People magazine's part, DeVette also confirmed to E! word of the impending arrival. This will be Holmes' first child and Cruise's first biological child, as he has two adopted children, Isabella and Conor, from his previous marriage to Nicole Kidman. So far, the engaged couple, who have been the subject of intense media coverage, have not yet set a wedding date.

how a little culture can't hurt y'all

i went to the bluegrass festival in golden gate park on sunday, which was full of non-football fans masquerading as bluegrass music fans.

i got there right after the giants trounced the rams behind eli manning's four touchdowns, plaxico burress' 200 yards receiving, tiki barber's 128 yards rushing and a defense which caused five fumbles.

i caught a couple of banjo bands - damn good banjo bands, might i add - and a vocalist that split the leaves around me. really fantastic stuff.

(and a quick aside: i really enjoy bluegrass music. it's very pure and honest. but i don't have to dress in overalls or pony-tail my hair to show my affection for it. then again, i wasn't the one masquerading today.)

but the real highlight was to check out my co-star, dolly parton. i watched her perform, and considering i've got context, i can say that she's exactly how you'd imagine her to be. rather, how she is on stage is how she is: eccentric, funny, real, laid back, straight up, warm, charismatic and extremely talented and skillful. extremely.

she sang all her hits and stuff from her new album, which are duets of covers of some of her favorite songs, like "crimson and clover" and "me and bobby mcgee" and she nailed them all. her talent as a writer is only overshadowed by her talent as a singer. she's just completely amazing.

and funny. after she sang "crimson and clover", she said, "y'know, the wind just blew my way, and i'm smellin' whatever it is y'all're smoking. and i can tell you, it ain't crimson or clover". really funny.

if you ever get a chance, just go see her. even if you don't like the music (you're a communist if you don't), you'll laugh your ass off.

as i walked back home, i caught emmylou harris performing. it's one thing to listen to a cd and hear her voice, but it's another to hear it live and really feel the pain and hard living that her voice sells. it's very visceral and gutteral. couldn't really see much of her - i was waaaaaay in the back - but i got a little overwhelmed.

so yeah, that was my sunday. eli manning, dolly parton and emmylou harris.

beats most sundays, huh?