Monday, April 30, 2007

how i figured i should past this along

my friend lauren e-mailed this to me. let each become aware.


This has been verified by the FBI (Their link is also included below). Please pass this on to everyone in your email address book. It is spreading fast so be prepared should you get this call. Most of us take those summons for jury duty seriously, but enough people skip out on their civic duty, that a new and ominous kind of scam has surfaced. The caller claims to be a jury coordinator. If you protest that you never received a summons for jury duty, the scammer asks you for your Social Security number and date of birth so he or she can verify the information and cancel the arrest warrant. Give out any of this information and bingo, your identity just got stolen. The scam has been reported so far in 11 states, including Oklahoma, Illinois, and Colorado . This (scam) is particularly insidious because they use intimidation over the phone to try to bully people into giving information by pretending they're with the court system. The FBI and the federal court system have issued nationwide alerts on their web sites, warning consumers about the fraud.

how society will be a better place now that he's been rehabilitated

you know what just made this world a little bit awesomer? everybody's favorite wife-cheating porn-making dirtball is out of jail.

suddenly, this here american united states just got ourselves a little more class.

i can't wait for the next suprise that he's got lined up for us. i'm sure it will be something progressive. maybe forging diplomacy in the middle east? curing cancer? being a big brother to handicapped orphans? being a comforting ear to terminal senior citizens? having a nice disposition?

the possibilities are endless for this jackhole. endless.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

how nothing beats playoff time

i watched two great playoff games today in which i had rooting interest. the edge of my couch is completely worn out, and my voice left me for good sometime before dinner.

NHL: RANGERS over SABRES, 2-1 in 2OT

the rangers needed this desperately. we're just another win from tying this shindig up. it's funny how the stanley cup playoffs work: the rangers have been the better team during the past two games, but ryan miller has been insane in goal for the sabres. that's just the way the puck bounces.

this game was back-and-forth, artistic, thrilling and punishing. it's everything thats makes hockey great. and, with everything at stake, every crossing pass, every slapshot, every scrum outside the crease takes such heavy importance, and rushes your heart up your throat.

i wish the NHL could bottle stanley cup playoff games and market it throughout the season. or, better yet, just hype it up throughout the season to make it something even the casual fan would look forward to.

because, simply, it is worth looking forward to.


it's amazing how, after 8 NBA seasons, dirk nowitzki has yet to grow a set.

the assumed NBA MVP plays like a scared pussycat. from fading away on all his jumpers (even from three), to passing up open shots, to hiding in the corner during crucial offensive sets and to letting drivers attack the rim unimpeded, it takes a yeoman effort to even notice that he's even on the court. and, of course, you won't find him in the paint. you can't trust him to lead a team to anything other than disappointment.

simply put, he sucks.

on the other hand, baron davis is playing like the best basketball player on the planet. and, when the point guard is playing out of his mind and is the absolute top dog on the court, he winds up making his teammates look like all-stars. he's personally responsible for this upset in the making, from his aggressiveness to power to speed to absolute daredevil attacks to the hoop and avery johnson doesn't seem to have a clue as to how to stop him (although going to a zone would be somewhat obvious). baron is everything nowitzki is not.

the mavs look like that good white suburban team playing their first game against a team from the city.

and the warriors are feasting on it.

how i wish i were as brilliant and as funny as they are (part 24,239)

seriously, when it comes to being deadpan, intelligent and hilarious (three of my favorite things), nothing beats "the onion".

honestly, i could post this entry every single thursday, and it would always be relevant.

how i'm very late with this because i thought it would suck, but it didn't suck, so i suck

i just caught the saturday night live repeat with peyton manning, and it was actually hilarious.

the funny part about it is that i had no doubt that he would be funny; it's SNL that i was worried about. peyton's perfect deadpan wouldn't seem to work in sketch comedy (although it should).

but it worked.

much has been said about the united way ad spoof he was in, and yeah, it's great. but here's a great sketch from the episode, and it includes the second funniest line i've heard on television this year: "i walked around all day with sliced ham in my pants, just so i could have a secret".

it's second only to "live every week like it's shark week" by tracy jordan on "30 rock". honestly, that one is very hard to beat.

then go check out "maraka", a perfect robert smigel take on "dora the explorer". it's delightfully demented.

also, for the record, and i know that all of you have been awaiting for me to give an official ruling on this, musical guest carrie underwood has really got it going on.

like, really really really got it going on.

how i find unbridled joy in the misfortune of others

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

how this is strangely compelling in short bursts

the creators and star of came by the agency today to talk about the project, how they do it, their business model and any other stuff involved in lifecasting.

hold on, steveoh. what's it's a mix of "the truman show" and "being john malkovich", where you can see what's going on in justin's life through a camera clipped to his baseball hat. so what's streaming on the web is what justin's looking at currently. it's on 24/7, and it's got a chat board and highlights.

unlike "the truman show", he's aware of what's going on. and unlike "being john malkovich", you can't hear internal thoughts. otherwise, it's an interesting concept - and yes, somewhat geeky.

i had no interest in them until they came to the agency and answered our questions. i was able to ask them a question (and gained my 30 seconds of fame on the internet - yet again). from that point, they were out of my mind.

until tonight, just now, at 10:50pm, when i went onto, you know, just to see what he was doing at 10:50pm.

he was playing cards.

that is what i found interesting: seeing exactly what someone else is doing at the same exact moment. peeking into their life. trying to predict what's happening next.

it's worth checking out. and if anyone wants to place any bets, i'm game.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

how you just know that the people in charge just won't be able to stop themselves

scientists have supposedly found a planet in a distant galaxy that might be hospitable for human life.

so, when our current planet drowns itself from global warming, the richest of us will at least have an alternative place to relocate to.

and the name of this place, you may ask?

581 c.

yep, you read that right.

581 c.

you know that's gonna change. there's no way we're gonna move everyone to a planet that sounds like the dewey decimal system. that just ain't sexy enough, you know?

what this means, of course, is that there's gonna be a huge bidding war over the naming rights over that planet. i mean, what corporation wouldn't want their name on a planet that is a viable refuge from the destructive causes of human beings? do you know how many units you could push with that sort of branding?

just wait. in fifty years, we'll be hearing something like "the way this global warming is happening, maybe we should buy a ticket headed for Microsoft Planet 2058 Second Edition" .

or something like "i just got an email from the rubensteins, and they just love Second Earth presented by AT&T".

or, hell, even something like "can you believe the prices for a one-way nonrefundable ticket for a flight to Planet?"

i fear for our future.

how i know it's early and i know this will change, but for now, this made me smile

how i haven't done this in awhile, so here goes it

an actual e-mail taken directly from my inbox:

From:Jabu Zuma.
No.04 Chester Court, 145 Jan Smuts Ave
Ave. Opp. Goodman Gallery, Parkwood, JHB
P.O.Box1105 Saxonwold,2132.
Tel:+0027 73 310 5235.

Dear Sir,

Don't be surprised to receive this letter from me since you don't know me in person. I am MR.JABU ZUMA from Zimbabwe the first Son of Mr.NDULLOV ZUMA who was murdered in the land dispute in Zimbabwe by the agents of the ruling government of President ROBERT MUGABE, you must have heard his alleged support and sympathy for the opposition MDC PARTY led by the minority white farmers.

yes, i believed they touched on this issue during "two and a half men".

My Father was among the few black Zimbabwean rich farmers murdered in cold blood by the war veterans backed by the government. Before the death of my Father, he deposited the sum of US$21M (Twenty One Million United State Dollars) With one of the security company in Southern Africa, as if he knew the looming danger in ZIMBABWE. The money was deposited as a gem and precious stones to avoid much attraction & demurrage from the security firm. The money was earmarked for the purchase of new machinery and chemicals for the farms and the establishment of new farms in Lesotho and Swaziland before the regretted incident.

forgive me, for i was wrong, actually, sanjaya sang about this topic on "american idol" during "zimbabwe land bribery" week.

This Land problem arose when President Robert Mugabe introduced a new land act. Which wholly affects the white rich farmers and some few blacks vehemently condemned the "Modus operandi" adopted by the government.

This resulted to rampart killing and Mob actions. My mother and I are staying in South Africa now as Asylum seekers, which have not been beneficial to us; I have decided to transfer this money to a foreign country where we can invest it. I am faced with the dilemma of investing this amount of money in South Africa for fear of encountering the same experience in future since both countries have the same political policy and also law does not permit us to investment hence we’re refugees.

well, jabu zuma (may i call you "jabu"? or just "bu"? no, i shall call you "jabu")...well, jabu. that sucks for you. i can only imagine what your next step would be. possibly, you can contact a lawyer to help you extricate your finances from your former country. or you can get a jack bauer type character to enter the country with force and torture everyone who stands between you and your money. or you can sneak back in, ask for your cash in 21 individual million dollar bills, nonchalantly put them into your wallet and walk out like you just put your hands in the air and you just don't care. or, now humor me for a moment, you can also contact a writer based out in san francisco via e-mail, a perfect stranger if you will, and ask him for his help.

nah, that's stupid.

I must let you know that this business is 100% risk free and the nature of your business does not necessarily matter, you can help us if you wish. I and my family have agreed to give you 15% of the total 21M, 5% will be mapped out for all expenses that maybe incurred during the transfer and 80% will be for me and my family’s investment in your country.

dude, i was joking about the last option. seriously, get jack. he's only 5'6". nobody will see him.

Therefore if you are willing and interested to render the needed assistance, endeavor to reply through my mums private call her Lady. Marikave Zuma for more brief clarifications.

whoa...hold on a second. you want me to contact your mum's private? well, this took a turn to the kinky. and she named it "Lady Marikave Zuma"? dude, your mom's into some nasty stuff. and you seem to be a benefactor to all this. you, my friend, have issues you need to deal with.

not that this has to do with anything, your mum hot?

I also need your private mobile, telephone and fax numbers for easy communication. Remember; this is highly confidential and the success of this business depends on how secret it is kept. Expecting your reply soonest.

if this were really highly confidential, we wouldn't be talking to each other through a private mobile, telephone or fax number.

like i said before, you really need jack bauer for this.

Best regards,

word to your mother.

Monday, April 23, 2007

how i'm not really sure what this is except hilarious

my friend phil sent me this short film called "the landlord" starring will ferrell from a new website called "funny or die".

it made me laugh my own personal afro off.

okay, nothing will make my afro fall off. but still...damn funny.

how jack bauer no longer has anything on arthur fonzarelli

it truly pains me to say that "24" has not only just jumped the shark, but it also unearthed a secret file about it, forced it to tender its resignation, then bungled its transfer of nuclear specifiations.

i can't wait for next season, just because i don't want to watch any more of this season. it just keeps getting worse.

how if you haven't watched "the sopranos" yet, then you should probably skip this part

what an awesome episode that was last night. that makes three great episodes this season.

first bacala is in question, then christaphuh and now paulie - and all this as phil builds power in new york.

first tony questions his own vulnerability, then his own leadership, and now his place in an ever-changing world.

just awesome awesome awesome stuff, an absolute pinnacle in psychological storytelling.

and it's gonna make for some brutal whacking.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

how i may or may not be finally home

after boarding no less than thirteen different airplanes during the past six weeks, i think i might actually have a little time home. that means, of course, my couch would have to stop looking at my ass like it were some sort of mysterious stranger.

yeah, it's good to be back here.

and, considering that all this travelling has gotten me out of sorts, i need to get back on my usual schedule and get some life back into this road weary soul.

here's a good start. not saying i'm hitting all of these, but...any takers?

Fri 04/27/07 - Johnette Napolitano @ Cafe Du Nord
Thu 05/03/07 - The Old 97's @ The Fillmore
Wed 05/09/07 - The Fratellis @ The Fillmore
Sat 05/12/07 - Steven Wright @ The Warfield Theatre
Sat 06/09/07 - The Devil Makes Three@ The Great American Music Hall
Sat 06/23/07 - Lisa Lampanelli @ The Warfield Theatre
Fri 07/20/07 - Dolores O'Riordan @ The Fillmore

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

how i felt guilty

i was watching "countdown with keith olbermann" about the horrifying virginia tech massacre, and he had on some reporter who was on scene. the reporter was giving an update/recap on what had happened while giving his insights and opinions.

it was probably a very good report. unfortunately, i can't comment on it.

you see, this reporter had the very common vocal quirk of saying "awwh" or "ummm" after every fourth or fifth word.

but his "awwh" or "ummm" sounded exactly like a horn honking.

or a game show buzzer indicating that you're wrong.

or a clown's foot being stepped on.

or an orgasmic donkey in the moment.

i tried to listen to what he was saying, but all i heard were the noises he was making. nonstop. for a good five minutes. and, after a hard battle, i laughed. i tried not to, but i laughed. not at what he was reporting, but at his nasal nervous cacophony.


dear msnbc: please don't put this reporter on the scene of something so horrible again. you made me feel guilty. and i know i'm not alone.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

how i've been rethinking lyrics

i always love it when i go to a wedding and they play "every breath you take", thinking it's a love song when it's actually about stalking. and, after i read that "american girl" is actually (and obviously) about a girl trying to commit suicide, i've become obsessed about really listening to lyrics.

i should have always been doing this.

anyway, on my flight from cleveland to chicago to san francisco, i kept my ipod on and checked out some new stuff i downloaded - some of which were performances from the bridge school concert. one song, in particular, i played over and over because i just couldn't figure the lyrics out.

check them out. it's for the classic song "alison" by elvis costello.

i've come up with two different interpretations, one of which was actually corroborated.

first interpretation:
alison is the girl he pined for when they were both much younger, but he never did anything about it.

I'm not going to get too sentimental
like those other sticky valentines,
'cause I don't know if you are loving some body.
I only know it isn't mine.

she wound up marrying one of his friends, and he lost touch with her. anyway he sees her out somewhere, and she looks completely unhappy. and he's just there, staring at her, convincing himself that she would have been so much happier if their destinies aligned.

Alison, I know this world is killing you.
Oh, Alison, my aim is true.

all that seems literal, yes. but here's the thing: i think the lyrics are all happening in his mind as he watches her. he doesn't make any contact with her. it's all in the tone. it's not really conversational. it seems almost too smarky for him to tell her this when she already has a pissed off look on her face. i just think it's that moment of time that he's savoring and living in his imagination. it's what he would say if he had the balls to go through with it.

or maybe not.

second interpretation:
alison has a kid.

I heard you let that little friend of mine
take off your party dress

that's her regrettable entry into motherhood. she has a husband now, but they're now at the end of the road. why?

Sometimes I wish that I could stop you from talking
when I hear the silly things that you say

ladies and gentlemen of the jury, i think the child belongs to elvis. and she's married to a man who realizes that he's now the father of someone else's kid. and she knows it, and she's calling elvis out on this. but elvis wants nothing to do with her and the kid.

Alison, I know this world is killing you.
Oh, Alison, my aim is true

you see, it's not him saying that his love is true. his denials are adding into her pain. he knows it, and he's not stopping.

someone else also was sick enough to have this interpretation. so i think this interpretation has some weight to it. granted, that weight has a flabby midsection.

how i spent my time in cleveland

people call cleveland "the mistake by the lake". it is no mistake. it is actually a city full of beautiful gothic buildings. it just so happens to be right by a lake.

that being said, there was nothing to do there. and the food left taste to be desired.

but that's okay. i wasn't in cleveland for any of that. but i did find an incredible treasure.

the following are camera photos of the cleveland arcade which absolutely took my breath away. i stumbled into it just to escape from the cold, but got so much more. it's actually a part of the hyatt regency, and the shops are relatively nonexistant. if i were ever to go to cleveland again, i'd do my best to stay here. it's that gorgeous.

or course, right after i left the arcade, i saw this ad on this bus, and it left me with such a horrible image with my mind.

yep. it says "like richard simmons, minus those shorts".

stupid cleveland.

Friday, April 13, 2007

how i will never do crystal meth in montana

here's the tv spots for the montana crystal meth foundation to get kids off the drug. originally, they were just radio spots, but then a random billionaire learned about them (i think larry ellison) and then gave them a million dollars (!!!) and they hired darren aronofksy ("requiem for a dream", "the fountain", "pi") to direct tv spots instead.

they are harrowing and haunting and emotional and brilliant.

my friend susan produced these.

warning: they are tough.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Sunday, April 08, 2007

how poetry can be hilarious

after enough wine and beer has been consumed by all, my friends and i play a game of portable poetry.

here's the deal: on a sheet of paper, you write a column of the following numbers - 1 3 5 3 1. after the first "1", you write a word - any word. then you then pass the paper to your right, and next to "3", that person writes three words based on the "1" that you wrote. then that person folds the paper to hide "1", and passes the paper to their right, and then that person writes five words next to the "5" based only on the three words above it. they don't know what's written next to "1". they only see "3". then, after "5" is written, they fold it over so "1" and "3" are hidden, and they pass it to the right.

when the last "1" is written, someone reads the poem out loud.

it sounds lame, just like most poetry. but it is actually hilarious.

basically, what you make up sounds exactly like your generic beat generation poetry, except sometimes they make sense.

we've actually expanded it to "1 3 5 7 5 3 1" to add more funny

here's some of the highlights from easter:

1 - Grudges
3 - are seldom kept
5 - in fermaldehyde jars near daddy
3 - That's my sister!
1 - Buggery.

1 - Mike
3 - What a twat.
5 - twata twat twat.
3 - Step off, Bobbie!
1 - Seriously.

1 - Pussies
3 - Fur-covered prussians
5 - Is that similar to Russians?
3 - Commies give good
1 - red.

1 - Jelly
3 - all over my
5 - organically raised mutton. Strangely satifying
3 - an unopened snickers
1 - inserted.

1 - pregnant
3 - pauses are uncomfortable
5 - err...i mean should i
3 - mention the war?
1 - fuck!

1 - knuckle
3 - moose. single? plural?
5 - moose is for super freaks
7 - and we all know rocky was one
5 - watch me pull a rabbit
3 - from my gaping
1 - cavity

there's a great one about the pope taking it up his keester, but i couldn't find it.

how i think there is very little as funny as someone parallel parking

here's a final photo of someone's parallel parking job.

that guy standing behind the car is the dude who was barking out instructions to the driver, like "turn!" and "right right!" and "left now!" and "reverse!" it took about four minutes to park that car into that space.

that very large space.

which, as you can tell by these photos, could have fit a school bus. and an elephant.

it was hilarious. and by hilarious, i mean that i felt embarrassed for humankind.

how i think this can be read a couple of ways

while getting some cizzash from the atm in my neighborhood, i saw a postcard sitting beside the monitor screen. it was an artist's rendition of a lizard, and...ah, well, here it is.

of course, i turned it over, and this is what it said:

(if you can't read something that small, just click on it)

so, that's interesting, considering that "Q" is a restaurant on 4th avenue, and "giorgio's" is a pizzeria on 3rd.

yes, it seems like it's a waitress war.

what happened?

scenario one
sandra, the hot stuff giorgio girl, was fooling around with the boyfriend of either ursula and tiffany. this was not a recent fling. he might have just stated it in an off-hand way. of course, that set off ursula (i'm picking her), so she took her friend tiffany and confronted sandra about it. sandra admitted it (why should she care?) but it still ticked off ursula, who was jealous because she is insecure. so now ursula and tiffany do walk-bys past giorgio's, and sandra's all pissed off about it. so she wrote this postcard to them. it was passive aggressive, but that's how we do in san francisco.

scenario two
sandra is actually currently fooling around with ursula's boyfriend. when ursula found out about it, she summoned tiffany and confronted her. sandra was kinda put off about it, saying "if you want to address me, we do it one on one, so get your skanky ho outta here". but ursula's no fool. the confrontation got hot, but no punches were thrown. ursula's pissed off because this wench is stealing her guy. sandra's pissed because ursula brought tiffany with her. this has the potential to be an explosive situation.

scenario three
sandra found out that her boyfriend was cheating with either ursula or tiffany (or ursula and tiffany or - better yet- ursula and tiffany at exactly the same time). she dumped her boyfriend because what good is he anyway, and doesn't want to be bothered with this situation past a postcard and ink. now she feels closure, but ursula and tiffany are plotting sweet revenge.

scenario four
sandra interviewed for a job at Q, and ursula and tiffany didn't hire her.

either way, the only winner is the boyfriend.

well played.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

how i must not have gotten the memo

while riding on the 38 bus to my ballgame today, i noticed that four different people in my area were wearing moccasins.

but they weren't just moccasins. they were, well, kinda fake looking moccasins, or, rather, moccasin-inspired footwear.

yes, my friends, they were mock moccasins.

was today moccasin saturday? it came so early this year.

Friday, April 06, 2007

how i've added a new feature

on the sidebar to the right, you'll find a link for steveoh's page. it's a website that stores all the links that i might go to or enjoy, and organizes them in a web 2.0 way, which means they can be sorted and shared by others.

that means you.

so if you want to know where my mind goes to, well, there you go. i'm revealing my secrets. or some of them.

and, i'm just putting this out there because i had to grit my teeth when i typed it out myself, but the next time i hear someone use the term "web 2.0", i'm getting all "austin 3:16" on them.

if you set one up, let me know.

how i wish i went to a big football school

because when there's a blog published about how that school sucks, it's usually not written by someone who attends it.

also, the blogs that claim how much that school rocks don't actually wind up unintentionally contradicting themselves.

go seawolves.

how i'm amazed that, in the ten years i've owned my e-mail address, that i never got a message like this earlier

this was waiting for me in my inbox:

Ms. Stone

My office received $500 from your friend Steven Oh and he asked me to purchase an index number for the Court filings. We spent $210 for the Court filings. Upon your request and if you give me your fax number, I will fax a proof of receipt from Steven Oh and a proof of payment of $210 with the Court.

Dongsung Lim

methinks i have a new alias.

and if anybody's wondering, it was in a response to this thrilling and thoroughly thought-provoking message:

À̺Á¿ä ½ºÆ¼ºê¿À¾¾! ÀÓº¯È£»ç°¡ µ·À» ´ç½ÅÀ¸·ÎºÎÅÍ ¹ÞÀºÀûÀ̾ø´Ù³× ÀÌ·¯¸é ¾ÈµÇÁö µµ¿ÍÁÖ°Ú´Ù°í Á¢±ÙÇؼ­
ÀÌ·¸°Ô ¹«Ã¥ÀÓÇÏ°Ô Ã³¸®ÇÏ°í ÀúÂÊ¿¡¼­ ¹ú½á ÀÌÈ¥À̳¡³´´Ù´Âµ¥ µµ¿ÍÁÖÁö¸øÇ× ¾ç½ÉÀº ¾î¶»°Ô ÇҰǵ¥

oh, silly steven oh. you are such a cad.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

how my mustache knowledge just wasn't up to par

take the mustache quiz to test your knowledge of celebrity mustahces.

i got 7 out of 10.

i should hand in my fakes.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

how i don't know which cheek i stand on

here's an article about a student who mooned his teacher and got expelled for it.

on one hand, that was an incredibly stupid thing for him to do, and he deserves to get punished.

but, on the other hand, how funny is that?

doesn't that count for anything?

how i hope that nbc realizes that it's a brand new world

i understand that the nielsen ratings are a barometer for networks to base their ad rates on. and i completely grasp that television shows are basically renting time on the networks, and that they have to pay their rent.

i get all that.

but i also get that with the advent of watching an entire season of a series on dvd, a show's first year neilsen ratings may not be indicative of its ratings for the next season. you just can't expect the populace to jump into the middle of a season and expect to follow it.

before seasons on dvds, you almost have to make an uninformed decision at the start of the season and stick with it, and the fate of that series will be determined by that.

with dvds, you can make up for it. and, hopefully, critical acclaim will be in high tide.

why am i harping on this? because i really don't want "friday night lights" to be cancelled.

it's truly the best show on television - or, at least, i can't imagine a show being as well written, directed and acted as this. at least, it's in the same boat at "the sopranos" and "the wire".

it's truly a remarkable achievement in storytelling and authenticity. last night's episode, the season's penultimate, was unspeakably terrific. and, with each week, incredibly, it just keeps getting better.

it's too late for all y'all to catch up with it now.

but the dvds are released during the summer.

i'll let you know.

how i just couldn't resist posting this link

seriously, it took me a good three minutes to stop laughing at this photo.

poor bunny lebowski has fallen so far.

how i actually had these two conversations in one day

scene: JFK airport, metal detector, special secruity measures area

STEVE, a young charming man in his early thirties but who could easily pass for mid-twenties, is part of a randomly chosen secruity measure where he and his belongings are thoroughly searched.

a SECURITY OFFICER gives him the rundown with the secruity wand. he instructs steve to sit. all is well, until...

SECURITY GUARD: "oh snap!"
STEVE: "what?"
SECURITY GUARD: "where'd you get dose?"
STEVE: (nervously) "i'm sorry, but...what are you talking about?
SECURITY GUARD: (pointing at steve's possessions in a bin) "dose! where'd you get dose?"

steve looks and sees his mess: a belt, his laptop, his hoodie and his kicks.

STEVE: "you mean the nikes?"
SECURITY GUARD: "oh snap! i ain't seen dose before! dey ain't out yet, are dey?"
STEVE: "nah, i got them before they hit the streets."
SECURITY GUARD: "word? how you do dat?"
STEVE: "i'm a freelance writer for nike and i get access to..."
SECURITY GUARD: "word up? i ain't never seen dose nikes before. i'm a nike shoe head. i love dem sneaks. i had me some of dose andre agassi kicks back in da day. yo, can i put your e-mail address in my sidekick?
STEVE: "dude, i can't do that."
SECURITY GUARD: "why not?"
STEVE: "because they're just for employees only."
SECURITY GUARD: "oh snap."


seven hours later.

scene: taxicab in san francisco, en route from oakland international airport.

STEVE, a dashing writer with muscles and charisma galore, sits in the back seat of his cab. he just let his project manager, JAMIE, off at her place after a three-day work jaunt to new york city. their CABBIE had driven quietly throughout the journey, but as soon as jamie was dropped off...

CABBIE: "you come back from new york, yes?"
STEVE: "yep."
CABBIE: "never been there."
STEVE: "you should. it's amazing."
CABBIE: "sometimes, i wish i could just escape."

uncomfortable silence.

CABBIE: "i am going through tough personal times. my wife, we've been married for twenty years. i work hard, every day, drive for 16-18 hours. i come home tired. sometimes, i do not give my wife the attention she deserves. that i grant is my mistake."
STEVE: "make a right left here."
CABBIE: "two months ago, i come home and see my wife in bed with another man. i yell at her. she tell me that i pay no attention to her all i do is work and this is what comes of it. i want to kill the man and my wife."

very uncomfortable silence.

CABBIE: "yesterday, we bring two lawyers to settle things. i work hard and i pay off mortgage to house. $4000 a month. that is why i work 16-18 hours a day. my wife, she wants to split the house. this i agree too."
STEVE: "make a left on california please."
CABBIE: "but then i see her with that man and i get angry inside, so i say to my lawyer, 'no deal!' all or nothing. that bitch deserves nothing. nothing, i tell you. nothing! but then we have the kids, i have twins, just six months old, and also a seven year-old, and now i have an apartment near them, but everywhere i look around me, i see that filthy bitch."
STEVE: "sixth avenue is coming up. you should make a..."
CABBIE: "now i want to take my kids out of the country."

extremely uncomfortable silence.

CABBIE: "so, i would like to go to new york, but soon, i will take my kids away from my wife and take them to mexico, where we will be happy."
STEVE: "right here is fine. much do i owe you?"